Horror On TV: The Great Bear Scare (dir by Hal Mason)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I came across this old cartoon on YouTube. Apparently, it aired in October of 1983.

It’s about bears living in Bearbank. Halloween is approaching and they’re worried about getting invaded by the monsters who live on Monster Mountain. Well, that makes sense. My question is why would you buy a house near a location called Monster Mountain? And really, shouldn’t the monsters be in the houses and the bears in the mountains? This cartoon is weird.

Anyway, the bears are getting ready to feel the city but little Ted E. Bear sets out to confront his fears! Woo hoo!

I don’t know. It’s from 1983. That was a strange year, I guess.

Enjoy!

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting (dir by Louis Morneau)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What the sweet Hell is this crap!?

So, the 2003 film, The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting, is a sequel to the original Hitcher. That’s the film where C. Thomas Howell plays a dumbass who picks up a hitchhiker played by Rutger Hauer and then kicks him out after a few miles because Hauer’s like totally insane. So, Hauer responds by murdering random people and framing Howell. The Hitcher‘s a pretty good film, largely because of the terrifying performance of Rutger Hauer as the title character.

The Hitcher came out in 1986. It got terrible reviews and didn’t do well at the box office but it found an audience when it was released on video. In fact, The Hitcher became a bit of a cult favorite, which is what it deserved to be. Then, 23 years later, a direct-to-video sequel was released and….

Seriously, this movie is so bad.

C. Thomas Howell returns, playing Jim, the same character that he played in the first movie. Jim is still haunted by what happened in the first movie. He’s a cop now but he fears that his encounter with the original Hitcher may have contributed to him using excessive force on a kidnapping suspect. Seeking some time away from the stress of it all, Jim decides to visit a friend in Texas. He and his girlfriend, Maggie (Kari Wuhrer) hit the road and, as they drive through the desert, they see a hitchhiker standing by the side of the road….

Now, I know what you’re saying. “Oh, come on!” you’re yelling. “There’s no way Jim would be make the same stupid decision twice!”

Well, you’re right. Jim doesn’t stop to pick the guy up. Instead, Maggie is the one who decides to pull over. Apparently, Jim has never bothered to tell Maggie about any of the terrible stuff that happened during the first film. Considering that Jim is apparently waking up constantly with nightmares and he’s on the verge of having a mental breakdown, you would think that all of this would be something that he would share with Maggie but no. Maggie is totally shocked when Jim later tells her that he had a bad experience picking up a hitchhiker.

Anyway, in this case, the hitchhiker is named Jack (Jake Busey) and …. wow, shock of shocks! He’s totally fucking crazy! That’s right — it’s happening again! So, Jack is chasing Jim and Maggie across the desert, murdering people and framing Jim and Maggie for the crimes. Does this sound familiar? Jim is eventually killed, giving C. Thomas Howell an excuse to never have to appear in another direct-to-video sequel. Can Maggie beat the new Hitcher at his own game?

Oh, who cares? This version of The Hitcher basically has none of the weird subtext of the first film. Unlike Rutger Hauer’s Hitcher, who seemed to be almost erotically obsessed with Jim, Jake Busey’s Hitcher doesn’t have much on his mind beyond killing people. If Rutger Hauer was all about quiet menace and charismatic intensity, Jake Busey is loud and in your face and so obviously crazy that it’s hard to have much sympathy for anyone stupid enough to pick him up.

The main problem with The Hitcher II is that it gets so damn repetitive. I lost count of the number of times that a cop showed up, refused to listen as Maggie shouted, “STOP! HE’S A KILLER,” and then got gunned down. Seriously, this film featured the stupidest cops that I’ve ever seen. The same thing keeps happening for 90 minutes or so, at which point we get a pithy one liner and then big explosion. And then the movie’s over!

Yay!

Insomnia File #44: Cat Run (dir by John Stockwell)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep at 3 in the morning, you could have turned over to Showtime and watched the 2011 action film, Cat Run.

So, here’s what you get when you watch Cat Run. You get:

A few beach scenes
Some stylish action sequences
A nearly incoherent plot
Lots of naked people
Two bumbling heroes
A prostitute with a heart of gold, a young child, and an encrypted hard drive
A cold-as-ice female assassin played by a distinguished, Oscar-nominated performer
Massive and sudden changes in tone as the film goes from comedy to action to comedy again
Sex
Violence

In other words, Cat Run is a John Stockwell film. As a director, Stockwell specializes in making unpretentious films, ones that usually feature beautiful people doing stuff on the beach. He makes the type of films that will probably never win an Academy Award (though Kirsten Dunst perhaps deserved a nomination for her performance in Stockwell’s Crazy/Beautiful) but which are still occasionally entertaining if you’re in the right mood for them. (Seriously, just watch Stockwell’s In The Blood and then ask yourself why he could make the perfect Gina Carano film while Steven Soderbergh couldn’t.)

Cat Run takes place is Montenegro. The prostitute is named Cat (Paz Vega). The encrypted hard drive contains footage of a politician (Christopher McDonald) killing a woman at an orgy. The two bumbling detectives who help her out are named Julian (Alphonso McAuley) and Anthony (Scott Mechlowicz) and they occasionally get a funny line or two. The assassin who is sent to take care of Cat is Helen and she’s played by Janet McTeer. Helen is coldly efficient and ruthless killer but she has a difficult time tracking down Cat. That’s the way it always goes, isn’t it? The bad guys are always super competent until the movie begins, at which point they suddenly can’t shoot straight.

Anyway, Cat Run is not a particularly memorable movie but it has its entertaining moments. It’s hyper stylish and the cast seems to be having a good time. At the very least, you get the feeling that everyone probably enjoyed spending their days off in Montenegro and good for them! McTeer, not surprisingly, steals the film but Paz Vega has some good moments too. All in all, this is an enjoyable film that doesn’t have a hint of ambition. It is what it is and what’s wrong with that?

Previous Insomnia Files:

Horror Book Review: Save The Last Dance For Me by Judi Miller

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1981 novel, Save The Last Dance For Me, is another book that I found in my aunt’s paperback collection. I have to admit that I got really excited when I found it. This is a book that I had wanted to read ever since I came across the cover in Paperbacks From Hell.

Jennifer is blonde, beautiful, young, and ambitious. She’s a driven dancer who is totally obsessed with becoming a soloist for one of New York’s best dance companies. She’s got an older boyfriend, of course. He’s a podiatrist who hopes that Jennifer will abandon her dreams and marry him. Jennifer, however, is not so eager to settle down for a boring domestic life.

Max is a pianist who was raised by a narcissistic alcoholic who continually pressured her young son to learn ballet. Neither Max nor his mother may have had much of a career as a dancer but that hasn’t stopped him from dreaming and obsessing. Max has a basement and a bathroom that is full of ballet slippers.

Together …. THEY SOLVE CRIMES!

No, sorry. (I know, I know. I use that joke a lot but what can I say? It amuses me.) Instead, they have a drunken sexual tryst after Jennifer has an argument with her boyfriend and this leads to Jennifer not only getting locked in the basement but also being forced to eat a totally disgusting hamburger! (EEEEEK!) Max demands that Jennifer learn a terrible solo and he demands that she practice and practice it until she collapses. It turns out to all be an elaborate revenge scheme, with a hint of Phantom of the Opera tossed in. (It’s perhaps not a coincidence that Judi Miller also wrote a book called Phantom of the Soap Opera.)

There’s actually quite a bit going on in Save The Last Dance For Me. This is a very plot-heavy book. It’s full of bitchy and duplicitous characters, all of whom have their own agendas. It also turn out that Max has been killing ballerinas for years. The two detectives who are investigating the murders have to deal with a lot of pervy suspects, all of whom have their own fetishes when it comes to dancers. As someone who grew up dancing, I can tell you that, in its hyper and melodramatic way, this book gets a lot of things right.

Anyway, not surprisingly, I really loved this book. This was one of the most wonderfully trashy books that I’ve ever read, full of twists and subplots and red herrings and even a memorably overdone sex scene. Basically, imagine the most melodramatic and sordid Lifetime movie ever but in book form. In fact, I’m actually kind of surprised that Lifetime hasn’t ever made a movie out of this book. I mean, if they can turn V.C. Andrews novel into an “event,” why not Save The Last Dance For Me? Get on it, Lifetime!

International Horror Film Review: The Living Skeleton (dir by Hiroshi Matsuno)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This 1968 Japanese horror film opens with a scene of shocking brutality.

A group of pirates, led by a horribly scarred man wearing reflective glasses, have commandeered a ship. While the crew and the passengers beg for mercy, the pirates ruthlessly and efficiently gun them down. A newlywed (Kikko Matsuoka) is assaulted while her husband watches. Afterwards, both of them are murdered. The dead are dumped overboard and the pirates proceed to move on with their lives.

Three years later, neither the ship nor the dead have ever been recovered. The sister of the murdered newlywed, Saeko (also played by Matsuoka), has been taken in by a friendly priest (Masumi Okada). As we discover, the pirates have all returned to their day-to-day lives in the seaside village, with the only indication of their past evil being the violent flashbacks that appear whenever one of them shows up on screen. Almost all of the pirates appear to have returned to the village, everyone but their scarred leader. What has happened to him and how could a man with such an unforgettable face have simply vanished? The pirates aren’t sure but then again, does it matter? They’ve gotten away with their crime. Everyone thinks that the ship was lost at sea.

However, one day, Saeko and her boyfriend go scuba diving. As they explore the undersea world, they come across hundreds of skeleton, all chained together. That night, a ghostly ship appears out on the ocean and Saeko hears a voice calling for her. The priest counsels Saeko not to obsess over the skeletons and not to fall prey to the temptation of vengeance, but that’s far easier said than done.

Meanwhile, the pirates start to die, one-by-one….

The Living Skeleton is an austere and haunting ghost story. Though the story may be a bit conventional (especially when compared to the other Japanese ghost story that I’ve reviewed this October), the film is so full of grim atmosphere and portents of ominous doom that it doesn’t matter. Playing out at its own deliberate pace, this film is an effective horror story that asks whether the sins of the past can ever be forgiven. (It turns out, not surprisingly, that they can not.) The black-and-white cinematography adds to the film’s dream-like feel. Long after the film ends, you’ll remember the images. You’ll remember the suffering reflected in the lenses of the head pirate’s glasses. You’ll remember the atmospheric shots of the lonely ocean. You’ll remember the film’s ending, with the remaining pirates watching as their former victim descends down a flight of stair. Unfortunately, you’ll probably also remember just how fake the underwater skeletons looked but even that, in its strange way, adds to the film’s effectiveness. They’re such a strange sight, those pristine, clean, and neat skeletons that you can’t help but feel that they belong in the film, just as surely as the unforgettable shot of a pirate’s face being quickly dissolved by highly corrosive acid belongs in the film.

I saw this haunting ghost story on TCM. Keep an eye out for future showings.

Horror Film Review: Us (dir by Jordan Peele)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“They’re us,” a child says in Jordan Peele’s second film, Us.

And indeed, they are. Us suggests that everyone has at least one doppelganger, living underground in conditions of absolutely misery and awkwardly imitating the same lives as those above ground, just without any of the rewards that those of us above-ground take for granted. Those underground are known as the Tethered, because they’re permanently tied to those of us above ground. Of course, what’s easily overlooked is that we’red tied to them as well. Or, at least, we are until someone picks up a knife or a pair of scissors and violently severs the connection.

It’s probably not a coincidence that the film’s title — Us — can just as easily be read as U.S, as in the United States. Jordan Peele may have said that he wanted Us to be a full-on horror film, as opposed to Get Out‘s mix of comedy, horror, and social commentary, but Us definitely has its political subtext, with the Tethered meant to stand in for every marginalized group that has been pushed underground by American society. Though the film may have been inspired by an episode of The Twilight Zone, it actually has more in common with the classic British shocker, Death Line (a.k.a. Raw Meat.) There’s not a huge amount of difference between the largely mute Tethered and the pathetic cannibal in Death Line who, after growing up in the British Underground, is capable of only telling his victims to “Mind the doors.”

If nothing else, Us proves that Jordan Peele actually is a good filmmaker with a firm grasp on how to make an effective horror movie. Get Out was good but also, I think, a bit overpraised by mainstream critics who often seemed to not realize just how much, in their attempts to make sure that we understood just how much they loved and understood the movie, they sounded like Bradley Whitford bragging about how he would have voted for Obama a third time. When Us came out, a lot of viewers were waiting to see if Peele’s second film could possibly live up to all the hype surrounding its director and, for the most part, it does.

Political subtext aside, this is the all-out horror film that Peele promised, full of jump scares, disturbing imagery, and just enough humor to keep things from getting too unbearably nightmarish. (As bad as you might feel for Elisabeth Moss’s character and her family, it’s hard not to appreciate the irony of the film’s Alexa-substitute misunderstanding a command to call the police.) Interestingly enough, the Tethered are pretty much homicidal as soon as they come above ground. This isn’t a case where a tragic misunderstanding leads to bloodshed that could have been avoided. No, this is a case where the Tethered have spent decades trapped and out-of-sight and they’re pissed off about it. Just because the Tethered may be us, that doesn’t mean that they’re going to have any sympathy for us when they finally do track us down. In the style of Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Have Eyes, Us follows a perfect family as they eventually find themselves resorting to the same violence as the Tethered, in an attempt to save not only their lives but also the lifestyle that they’ve come to take for granted. The Tethred are us indeed.

The film is well-acted, with Lupita Nyong’o standing out as both the mother of an imperiled family and her doppelganger, who has spent years underground and who is one of the few Tethered to be able to speak. Of course, there’s a twist at the end of the movie and I won’t ruin it here, other than to say that it’s effectively done and will actually make you reconsider everything that you’ve just seen.

Us is another triumph from Jordan Peele. Even more importantly, it’s an undeniably effective horror film.

Horror On The Lens: Attack of the Giant Leeches (dir. by Bernard Kowalski)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s public domain horror film, I present to you 1959’s Attack of the Giant Leeches. This 60-minute film is a classic Drive-in film. While it has its slow spots, it also features an iconic performance from Yvette Vickers, who is like one of my favorites of the strong, confident, unapologetically sexy women who dominated the old B-movies. (Plus, she was only 5’3 and it’s not easy being brave when you’re having to look up at everyone. Trust me, I know.) This short little film is steamier than Louisiana in August and is full of bayou atmosphere.

I have to admit that I’m kinda freaked out by the scenes of people floating underwater in this film. And leeches … agck! Don’t even get me started on leeches. Especially giant leeches…

Guilty Pleasure No. 45: Utopia

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Utopia ended on a Halloween.

Now, I’m not talking about utopia as a concept. I imagine that there are still people out there who think that the idea of creating a utopia is a a viable one. (I’m not one of those people but that’s mostly because I think living in a perfect world would be hella dull.) Instead, I’m talking about a reality television show that premiered in September of 2014 and which was canceled one month later.

Though it’s pretty much forgotten today, Utopia was a pretty big deal in the months leading up to its first episode. It’s estimated that Fox spent 50 million dollars to develop and promote the show. Not only would Utopia air twice a week but, much in the style of Big Brother, audiences would be able to watch the show’s participants interact live online. The commercials, which were inescapable that summer, explained that 12 people with radically different philosophies would be expected to come together and form a new society on a California farm. An atheist would live with a minister! A libertarian would have to work with a socialist! An attorney would have to find common ground with an ex-con! A huntress would eat at the same table as a vegetarian! The show was an experiment that would last an entire year and it would answer the question: Can different people come together to start a brave new world?

I have to admit that I was kind of excited for the show. Utopia started just as the 16th season of Big Brother came to an end. That season was one of the worst in the history of Big Brother, largely as the result of the show’s producers putting the insufferable Frankie Grande in the House and then trying to rig the show in his favor. After a terrible season of Big Brother, I was actually had hope that maybe Utopia would be everything that Big Brother had ceased being.

Of course, I was wrong. From the first episode of Utopia, it became obvious that we would never learn whether people could come together to start a brave new world because, for the most part, no one on the show was interested in doing that. There was a lot of drinking, of course. There was also an entire episode devoted to one of the Utopians, a pastor, worrying that he would lust in his heart for the female Utopians unless they started wearing more clothes. For two episodes, a redneck named Red announced that he wanted to start his own society in the woods but eventually he changed his mind. The Utopians lived on a farm but only doomsday prepper Bella seemed to have any farming experience and, as quickly became obvious in her case, having experience doesn’t necessarily mean that you know what you’re doing.

It was a weird show. I’m assuming that Fox thought that there would be instant conflict if they put a libertarian and a socialist together but, for the most part, no one on the show ever discussed their differing philosophies. In fact, it was hard to see that any of them had any philosophy as all. Hex was regularly described as being a “huntress,” despite the fact that we never saw her hunt. Rob was described as being a libertarian but we never actually saw him discuss what that meant and he acted like just as much of a petty authoritarian as the other members of the cast. The show tried to create the appearance of conflict but, like most Americans outside of Twitter, the cast dealt with their differences by not really discussing them. So, as a result, we ended up with entire episodes devoted to doomsday prepper Bella getting upset because veterinary assistant Bri wanted to have some say in how the farm animals were fed.

The one thing that kept all of this from being unbearable dull was that the show’s perpetually optimistic host, Dan Piraro, described every minor event in breathless detail. When one of the Utopians got too drunk and acted like an ass, he was put on a trial. The end result of the trial? Everyone asked him to please not get drunk and act like an ass again. “And so the Utopians have created a legal system!” Piraro exclaimed.

As the show progressed, the Utopians started to get bored. Some of them voluntarily left Utopia, largely because they just wanted to find something better to do with their time. After the show’s producers tried to turn attorney Mike Quinn into the star of the show and centered a few episodes around his relationship with “polyamorous Dedeker,” he abruptly left. (“And so Mike leaves Utopia….”) Whenever an old Utopian left, two prospective new ones would be brought in and would explain why they should be selected to live in Utopia but the new Utopians soon proved themselves to be just as boring as the old ones. The Utopians attempted to raise money for food by opening up their farm to the general public. Huntress Hex gave hunting lessons and revealed that she wasn’t really sure how to use a bow and arrow. One of the new arrivals attempted to create a website for the farm, just to have the site besieged by online trolls. Ratings crashed and the show soon went from airing twice a week to only airing on Fridays.

And yet, the worse the show got, the more fascinating it became. Utopia offered audiences the opportunity to watch a month-long train wreck as it unfolded. It was so bad that you couldn’t look away and each attempt by Fox to somehow spice up the show only made it more of a disaster. I would watch each episode just to see how much more pointless the show could become.

The final episode aired on Halloween and it featured the host wearing a cape and, if I remember correctly, plastic fangs at one point. By this point, Fox had changed the show’s concept. Now, the viewers would vote each week on who they wanted to banish from Utopia. (“But I’m an atheist!” Hex wailed, “America’s going to hate me!”) Or, at least, that’s what the show’s producers said was going to happen. Instead, Utopia was canceled before America ever got a chance to vote.

Interestingly, the only people shocked by Utopia‘s cancellation were the people living on the farm. Apparently, the day after Halloween started out normally for them and for whoever might have been watching them on the live feeds. Sometime in the afternoon, the feeds abruptly went down and never came back up. From what I’ve read, the Utopians were called into a meeting and told that they were going home immediately.

Utopia has never been tried again but I fondly remember watching it. The Utopians failed to create a brave new world but they kept me amused for 12 episodes.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Horror On TV: Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy in The Pumpkin That Wouldn’t Smile (dir by Chuck Jones)

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Awwww, that poor pumpkin! Well, hopefully, he’s smiling now!

This animated special originally aired on Halloween night in 1979. I would imagine that the crying pumpkin probably traumatized children across America. Hopefully, all the kids were out trick or treating when this aired. Myself, I remember that when I was a kid, I would help my mom carve a pumpkin every year. And then I would get so depressed when we later had to throw it out. Seriously, I would get really attached to those jack o’lanterns.

Anyway, this cartoon is before my time but I have a feeling that, if I had been around to watch it, I would have been depressed for a whole year afterwards.

Enjoy!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #203: Designed to Kill, a.k.a. Deadly Runway, a.k.a. Fatal Fashion (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Channel and I watched a movie that has many names. When it was originally released on Netflix last year, I believe it was called Deadly Runway. According to the imdb, it’s also known as Fatal Fashion. Lifetime aired it under the title Designed To Kill.

Well, no matter which title you want to go with, I watched it!

Why Was I Watching It?

How can I review it without watching it first? This isn’t rocket science, people! Beyond that, though, I was in the mood for a good Lifetime melodrama. Of course, right now, Lifetime is currently only showing Christmas movies from here to eternity. So, if you want to see the type of Lifetime film that we all know and love, you’re only place to turn is the Lifetime Movie Network.

What Was It About?

Basically, it’s a murderous remake of Pygmalion!

Oh, you doubt me? Well, consider this — Jennifer Higgins (Linsey Godfrey) — is given a job at the local high school, teaching a class about fashion. David (Joshua Hoffman) ends up in her class, hoping that he can practice his skills as a photographer. David is awkward, shy, wears glasses, has no fashion sense, and his hair is almost always a mess. Jennifer takes one look at him and decides to prove that she can turn anyone into a super model. Next thing you know, David has new clothes, a new haircut, and a new career. He almost gets a new girlfriend until Jennifer gets jealous and pushes her off a ledge.

See, there are a few differences between Jennifer and Henry Higgins. Some of them are obvious. Jennifer is a woman and is flirtatious. Henry was a man and a bit of a prick. But perhaps the biggest difference is that Jennifer Higgins has a tendency to get obsessed with her models and, as mentioned above, Jennifer’s willing to kill people.

Anyway, David is enjoying his new life as a model and Jennifer is enjoying being his mentor but then it turns out that David’s friend, Caitlyn (Ellen Michelle Monohan) has model potential as well! How will Jennifer handle it when Caitlyn and David are soon appearing on covers together?

What Worked?

Oh Hell, it all worked. This was so over the top and fun and melodramatic that there was no way not to love it. Linsey Godfrey was wonderfully insane as Jennifer Higgins and Monhan and Hoffman made for a very adorable couple. This movie was a lot of fun.

And before anyone starts nitpicking this film or debating whether or not the plot fully made sense, allow me to remind you that if you’re taking a film like this seriously, you’re doing it wrong. This film was designed to deliver pure entertainment and that’s exactly what it does!

What Didn’t Work?

It all worked!

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to Caitlyn, mostly because we both have red hair, bad eyesight, and a low tolerance for alcohol.

Lessons Learned

Henry Higgins could have been worse.