The TSL Grindhouse: Beyond Desire (dir by Dominique Othin-Girard)

Posted on April 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1995’s Beyond Desire tells the story of Ray Patterson (William Forsythe). He’s spent the last 14 years in jail, convicted of a murder that he says he didn’t commit. He likes to sing. He’s obsessed with Elvis. He claims that he doesn’t know how to drive because he’s been in prison for the last 14 years but he appears to be in his mid-40s so you have to kind of wonder if maybe Ray just wants other people to drive him around. After all, Elvis never drove himself.

Perhaps because everyone is sick of listening to him as he sings Amazing Grace in his cell, Ray is released from prison. Since he was serving his time in Nevada, this means that Ray now has to walk down a desert road and hope that someone gives him a ride. Fortunately, for Ray, a woman named Rita (Kari Wuhrer) pulls up in fancy red car and asks him where he’s going. Rita explains that she’s always had a fantasy about picking up someone who has just been released from prison. Ray accepts her offer of a ride and soon, they’re at a desert motel, engaging in saxophone-scored, Vaseline-on-the-lens softcore sex. Ray may have forgotten how to drive but apparently, he didn’t forget everything during those 14 years he spent in prison. If nothing else, this film reveals more of William Forsythe than most viewers probably ever thought they’d see.

Soon, Ray and Rita are head to Vegas. Of course, it turns out that Rita wasn’t quite honest about why she picked up Ray. Rita is a high-priced escort and she works for a local crime boss named Frank (Leo Rossi). Frank wants Ray to reveal the location of some stolen money. Ray, meanwhile, feels that Frank is the key to clearing his name and catching the real murderer. At first, it seems like everyone is just manipulating everyone else but Rita and Frank do eventually end up falling in love. Can their love survive bullets and hints of betrayal?

Like many 90s crime films, Beyond Desire is one of those films that was obviously made to capitalize on the success of Quentin Tarantino. The characters of Ray and Rita are such obvious copies of True Romance‘s Clarence and Alabama that the film comes close to turning into a self-parody. Ray is a big Elvis fan and occasionally quotes lyrics at inopportune times. The soundtrack itself is full of Elvis songs, though the budget apparently wasn’t big enough to actually get the rights to any of Elvis’s recordings. Instead, we get cover versions, the majority of which feel rather wan. The film emphasizes the garish glitz of the Vegas Strip but none of the quirky beauty of it. Las Vegas, an adult playground sitting in the desert, is pure Americana. That was something that was captured by Francis Ford Coppola in The Godfather, Martin Scorsese in Casino and David Lynch in Twin Peaks: The Return. The film uses Vegas as a convenient backdrop but it has nothing to say about the location itself.

Like the majority of road movies, the film tends to meander a bit. Ultimately, the road leads to nowhere. That, in itself, is not necessarily a problem. The same could be said of Tony Scott’s True Romance or any number of films directed by Wim Wenders. Unfortunately, this film wasn’t directed by Tony Scott or Wim Wenders. Instead, it was directed by the guy who did Halloween 5 and the end result is a film that, even when taken as a purely stylistic exercise, still feels rather empty. It’s a shame because William Forsythe shows off a lot of quirky, bad boy charm in the role of Ray and Kari Wuhrer make Rita into a far more complex and conflicted character than one might expect. But, unfortunately, the film itself just doesn’t live up to their performances.

Poison (2001, directed by Jim Wynorksi)

Posted on July 13, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

After her husband commits suicide, Ann Stewart (Kari Wuhrer) seeks revenge on the CEO who fired him and Nicole Garrett (Barbara Crampton), the woman who get the promotion that he was counting on. Ann has good reason for being upset, seeing as how she slept with the CEO specifically so he wouldn’t fire her husband. When she finds out that the her husband was never even being seriously considered for the promotion and all of that extramarital sex was for nothing, Ann snaps. Somehow, Ann not only knows how to blow up the CEO and his family but also how to get away with. However, her plot against Nicole is more complicated. After murdering Nicole’s housekeeper, Ann takes her place. Soon, Ann is trying to seduce both Nicole’s husband (Jeff Trachta) and her son (Seth Jones) while encouraging Nicole’s teenage daughter (Melissa Stone) to be even more slutty than before. Ann discovers that Nicole can be a demanding boss and that she and her husband are on the verge of splitting up. Ann also learns that Nicole is diabetic and has to be careful what she eats. That’s good information to have, now that Ann is the one preparing all of her meals! Ann sets her plan in motion. To quote the song of old, that girl is poison.

Poison is typical of the films that used to show up on Cinemax late at night. It’s also a Jim Wynorski film and you always know what you’re getting into with Wynorski. Poison has all of the gratuitous shower scenes and naked midnight swims that you would expect from a film like this. It also has the same basic plot as Scorned, with Kari Wuhrer taking on the Shannon Tweed role of the vengeance-obsessed widow. It’s hard to say who did the role better. Tweed was more calculated in the way she destroyed the family while Wuhrer is more obviously unhinged and impulsive in her actions. Perhaps because Jim Wynorski directed Poison while Andrew Stevens was responsible for Scorned, Poison is a little more self-aware that Scorned and has more of a sense of humor about itself than Scorned did. Ann is eventually as angry about Nicole being a demanding employer as she was about her husband committing suicide. Fans of these movies will want to see Poison for the chance to watch Barbara Crampton and Kari Wuhrer face off against each other. Both of them bring their best.

It’s Wynorski. You know what you’re getting.

Thinner (1996, directed by Tom Holland)

Posted on October 20, 2021 by Jedadiah Leland

Billy Halleck (Robert John Burke, in a fat suit) is a morbidly obese attorney who might be destined to die of a heart attack but who definitely will not be serving jail time despite running over an old gypsy woman. After a corrupt judge and crooked cop, both of whom are friends of Billy’s, conspire to get Halleck acquitted, all three of them are cursed by the woman’s husband (Michael Constnatine). The judge turns into a lizard while the cop is covered in sores. Halleck, however, finally starts to lose weight! At first, he’s happy. He’s finally getting thin and all he had to do was run over an old woman! But then, he realizes that he’s never going to stop getting thinner and he’s going to just waste away.

Thinner is based on a novel by Richard Bachman, who was actually Stephen King. Like most of the Bachman books, Thinner is nastier than most of the King books. Billy is a terrible character and he deserves exactly what’s coming to him. The book is not usually listed as being one of King’s better efforts and the movie doesn’t get much love either. I’ve always liked Thinner, though. It’s like a really good episode of Tales From The Crypt, with Billy paying the price for his sins. Billy actually gets several chances to redeem himself but, because he’s such a terrible character, he keeps messing them up. Instead of begging for forgiveness, Billy hires a gangster (Joe Mantegna) to try to take out the gypsies. Even when the dead woman’s husband gives Billy a chance to escape his fate with some shred of dignity, Billy would rather go after his perceived enemies. Many bad things happen to Billy but he brings them all on himself. Even when it becomes obvious that he’s under a curse, he still thinks he can plea bargain his way out of it. He’s a lawyer, through and through.

Thinner is frequently cartoonish and broad but that works for the story that it’s telling. Robert John Burke’s performance may not have many shadings to it but again, it’s right for the story that’s being told. My favorite performance in the film was Joe Mantegna’s turn as the gangster and fans of Late Night Cinemax will feel a rush of nostalgia when Kari Wuhrer makes an appearance as the beautiful daughter of the woman that Billy ran over. Thinner is a middle-tier King adaptation, neither as bad nor as good as some others. I dug it.

Cinemax Friday: Boulevard (1994, directed by Penelope Buitenhuis)

Posted on August 7, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Having been knocked up by her abusive boyfriend, Jennefer (Kari Wuhrer) gives up her baby for adoption and then promptly gets the Hell out of town. She runs away to the hard streets of Toronto, where she meets and moves in with a prostitute, the worldly Ola (Rae Dawn Chong). Ola shows Jennefer how to survive in the big city and the two of them bond over how terrible their circumstances are, eventually becoming lovers. Eventually, in order to make ends meet, Jennefer becomes a prostitute herself. However, this means dealing with Ola’s sadistic pimp, Hassan (Lou Diamond Phillips), who is the type of creep who likes to practice his golf swing in between beating people to death. Detective McLaren (Lance Henriksen) wants to take Hassan down but Jennefer knows better than to work with the cops. Meanwhile, Hassan is growing more unstable and dangerous and Jennefer’s ex-boyfriend, J-Rod (Joel Bissonette), has shown up in town.

Boulevard is an interesting film. It’s undeniably sleazy and exploitative, with the camera lingering over every sex scene and act of violence. At the same time, it’s also a film with a conscience. It’s on the side of the girls on the boulevard and it makes clear that every man who claims to be on their side, with the exception of McLaren, is actually a dangerous pervert. Jennefer and Ola can only depend on each other. Kari Wuhrer was rarely cast for her acting ability but she gives a surprisingly good performance in Boulevard and she’s matched every step of the way by Rae Dawn Chong. Lou Diamond Phillips appears to be having fun getting to play a villainous role. In fact, he has too much fun and goes so overboard that he sometimes takes you out of the reality of the situation. Far better is Lance Henriksen, whose seen-it-all persona is used to good effect in Boulevard.

Boulevard is a sleazy film with a heart.

The TSL’s Horror Grindhouse: The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting (dir by Louis Morneau)

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What the sweet Hell is this crap!?

So, the 2003 film, The Hitcher II: I’ve Been Waiting, is a sequel to the original Hitcher. That’s the film where C. Thomas Howell plays a dumbass who picks up a hitchhiker played by Rutger Hauer and then kicks him out after a few miles because Hauer’s like totally insane. So, Hauer responds by murdering random people and framing Howell. The Hitcher‘s a pretty good film, largely because of the terrifying performance of Rutger Hauer as the title character.

The Hitcher came out in 1986. It got terrible reviews and didn’t do well at the box office but it found an audience when it was released on video. In fact, The Hitcher became a bit of a cult favorite, which is what it deserved to be. Then, 23 years later, a direct-to-video sequel was released and….

Seriously, this movie is so bad.

C. Thomas Howell returns, playing Jim, the same character that he played in the first movie. Jim is still haunted by what happened in the first movie. He’s a cop now but he fears that his encounter with the original Hitcher may have contributed to him using excessive force on a kidnapping suspect. Seeking some time away from the stress of it all, Jim decides to visit a friend in Texas. He and his girlfriend, Maggie (Kari Wuhrer) hit the road and, as they drive through the desert, they see a hitchhiker standing by the side of the road….

Now, I know what you’re saying. “Oh, come on!” you’re yelling. “There’s no way Jim would be make the same stupid decision twice!”

Well, you’re right. Jim doesn’t stop to pick the guy up. Instead, Maggie is the one who decides to pull over. Apparently, Jim has never bothered to tell Maggie about any of the terrible stuff that happened during the first film. Considering that Jim is apparently waking up constantly with nightmares and he’s on the verge of having a mental breakdown, you would think that all of this would be something that he would share with Maggie but no. Maggie is totally shocked when Jim later tells her that he had a bad experience picking up a hitchhiker.

Anyway, in this case, the hitchhiker is named Jack (Jake Busey) and …. wow, shock of shocks! He’s totally fucking crazy! That’s right — it’s happening again! So, Jack is chasing Jim and Maggie across the desert, murdering people and framing Jim and Maggie for the crimes. Does this sound familiar? Jim is eventually killed, giving C. Thomas Howell an excuse to never have to appear in another direct-to-video sequel. Can Maggie beat the new Hitcher at his own game?

Oh, who cares? This version of The Hitcher basically has none of the weird subtext of the first film. Unlike Rutger Hauer’s Hitcher, who seemed to be almost erotically obsessed with Jim, Jake Busey’s Hitcher doesn’t have much on his mind beyond killing people. If Rutger Hauer was all about quiet menace and charismatic intensity, Jake Busey is loud and in your face and so obviously crazy that it’s hard to have much sympathy for anyone stupid enough to pick him up.

The main problem with The Hitcher II is that it gets so damn repetitive. I lost count of the number of times that a cop showed up, refused to listen as Maggie shouted, “STOP! HE’S A KILLER,” and then got gunned down. Seriously, this film featured the stupidest cops that I’ve ever seen. The same thing keeps happening for 90 minutes or so, at which point we get a pithy one liner and then big explosion. And then the movie’s over!

Yay!

Horror Film Review: Anaconda (dir by Luis Llosa)

Posted on October 25, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In many ways, the 1997 monster film Anaconda is an incredibly dumb movie but let’s give credit where credit is for. Whoever was in charge of casting this movie managed to assemble the most unlikely group of co-stars that you would ever expect to see in a movie about a documentary crew who run into a giant snake while sailing down the Amazon River.

I mean, let’s just consider the most familiar names in the cast. Jennifer Lopez. Ice Cube. Jon Voight. Owen freakin Wilson. I mean, it’s not just that you wouldn’t expect to come across these four people all in the same movie. It’s that they all seem to come from a totally different cinematic universe. They’ve all got their own unique style of acting and seeing them all on the same small boat together is just bizarre. You’ve got Jennifer Lopez, delivering her lines with a lot of conviction but not much sincerity. And then you’ve got Ice Cube coolly looking over the Amazon and basically daring the giant snake to even think about trying to swallow him. Owen Wilson is his usual quirky self, delivering his lines in his trademark Texas stoner drawl. And then you’ve got Jon Voight.

Oh my God, Jon Voight.

Voight plays Paul Serone, a Paraguayan who says that he can help the documentary crew find an isolated Amazon tribe but who, once he gets on the boat, basically takes over and announces that he’s actually a snake hunter and he’s planning on capturing the biggest anaconda in existence. It takes a while for the snake to show up. When it finally does, it’s actually a pretty impressive throw-back to the type of cheesy by entertaining monsters that used to show up in drive-in movies back in the 50s and the 60s. But really, the biggest special effect in the movie is Jon Voight. Wisely, Voight doesn’t waste any time trying to be subtle or in anyway believable in the role of Serone. Instead, Voight gives a performance that seems to be channeling the spirit of the infamous Klaus Kinski. Voight growls, snarls, and glares as if the fate of the world depended upon it and he rips into his Paraguayan accent with all the ferocity of a character actor who understands the importance of being memorable in an otherwise forgettable movie. It’s as if Voight showed up on set and looked at what was going and then said to himself, “Well, Jon, it’s all up to you.” Serone is really a pretty vicious character. I mean, he literally strangles a character to death with his legs! But, thanks to Voight’s crazed energy he’s still the most compelling character in the movie. It’s really scary to think about what the film would have been like without Voight shaking things up. Along amongst the cast, Voight seems to understand just how silly Anaconda truly is. Voight takes a rather middling monster movie and, through sheer force of will, manages to make it at least somewhat entertaining.

Personally, I’d like to see a remake of Anaconda, one that would feature the same cast but would be directed by Werner Herzog. Just imagine if Herzog had told the story of that trip down the Amazon. Gone would be the bland dialogue and rudimentary character motivations. Instead, we’d have Jennifer Lopez slowly going insane while hundreds of monkey lay siege to the boat and Ice Cube musing on the never ending conflict between man and nature. Herzog’s Anaconda would probably be just crazy enough to keep up with Jon Voight’s performance.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #179: Fiance Killer (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on April 29, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and watched the latest Lifetime movie, Fiance Killer!

Why Was I Watching It?

It was on Lifetime! By now, y’all should know that I’ll watch anything that’s on Lifetime!

What Was It About?

So, Cameron (Felisha Cooper) is about to be very, very rich. As soon as she turns 25, she’ll be coming into a huge inheritance! On top of that, Cameron also has a new boyfriend. His name is Brent (Adam Huss) and he runs a non-profit! Or, at least, that’s what he says. Cameron’s mother (Kari Wuhrer) doesn’t trust him. In fact, she does a background check on him and comes away convinced that Brent is only interesting in Cameron’s money. Of course, Cameron doesn’t believe that. In fact, Cameron is so offended by her mother’s paranoia that she elopes with Brent!

Except, of course, mom is right. Brent is after Cameron’s money. Of course, Brent doesn’t really have it in him to commit murder. However, his girlfriend, Lexi (Jean Louise O’Sullivan), definitely does…

What Worked?

Lexi is one of my favorite characters of all time! Seriously, she must have undergone ninja training at some point because she could seriously just pop up anywhere. Someone gets in a car and there’s Lexi in the back seat! Someone goes down to the kitchen and there’s Lexi hiding behind the refrigerator. My favorite thing about Lexi was that, for all of the intricate plotting that went into her scheme, she didn’t really seem to care whether it actually worked or not. Lexi was an agent of pure chaos, less a schemer and more a revolutionary. Jean Louise O’Sullivan had a lot of fun with the role.

What Did Not Work?

Obviously, with any Lifetime film, you’re going to have to suspend your disbelief to a certain extent but seriously, Cameron was occasionally too naive to be believed. Maybe if she had been 18, I could have bought that she wouldn’t be able to see through Brent and his schemes. But, by the time you turn 25, you really should know better.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Obviously, it would have been nice if I could have related to Cameron, who was a very nice person and always tried to do the best for everyone. But, honestly, I could never do the whole eloping thing. When I do get married, it’s going to be a huge wedding and I’m going to expect a lot of expensive gifts. As well, I couldn’t ever marry someone who worked for a “non-profit” because bragging about working for a company that doesn’t make a profit just seems strange to me.

So, that pretty much left with me with little choice but to relate to Lexi. Unfortunately, Lexi killed people and I’m not really into that either. However, I do enjoy making a scene so I guess Lexi and I had that in common.

Lessons Learned

I should sign up for ninja training as soon as possible. Admittedly, I might not be a very good ninja and I’m not really sure if there’s much ninja work available where I live but I’d still love to learn how to just pop up anywhere whenever I wanted to. That seems like that could be a valuable skill to have.

A Movie A Day #172: Sensation (1994, directed by Brian Grant)

Posted on June 29, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Doctor Ian Burton (Eric Roberts) is a college professor who believes that objects retain impressions of the past. To prove his theory (and hopefully, not lose tenure), Burton recruits one of his students, Lila Reed (Kari Wuhrer), who has shown that she may have psychic abilities. Lila holds objects and she sees the past. At first, she is intrigued but then she realizes that she keeps seeing the same woman in her visions. The woman was a former student of Burton’s. She was murdered and the good Doctor Burton is the number one suspect. Can Lila use her power to solve the crime and clear Burton’s name? Or is Burton guilty and using her for something more sinister than just testing a thesis?

Sensation is one of the many softcore neo-noirs that used to regularly appear, “after hours,” on HBO and Cinemax in the 1990s. Sensation has a tagline (“An experience in terror”) that it never lives up to but it is still watchable because of the combination of the sexiness of Kari Wuhrer and the strangeness of Eric Roberts. The tawdry mystery will not fool anyone and Wuhrer’s visions were all done better in The Dead Zone but Sensation deserves some credit for at least trying to be a little more creative than the average 1990s straight-to-video release.

Keep an eye out for Ron Pearlman, as the lead detective on the case. He does not get to do much but he’s still Ron Pearlman!

10 Reasons Why Sharknado 2 Was Sharktastic!

Posted on July 31, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Unless you’ve been living in total and complete isolation, you know that Sharknado 2 premiered on SyFy last night. And of course, I watched and live tweeted it. Now, when it comes Sharknado 2, it seems like everyone has one question: Was it better than Sharknado?

The answer?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Here are 10 reasons why Sharknado 2 was sharktastic!

1) Action! Action! Action!

Sharknado 2 didn’t waste any time getting to the point. From the minute the film started with Ian Ziering and Tara Reid sitting in an airplane that’s hit some sharknado-related turbulence, Sharknado 2 was all about sharks falling from the sky. The film didn’t waste any time revisiting the events of the previous film or trying to explain, for a second time, how a bunch of sharks ended up in a tornado. And you know what? If you were worry about the logic of the situation then you really weren’t the right audience for this film. Sharknado 2 was a movie for those of us seeking nonstop shark mayhem and it delivered!

2) Plenty of New York Attitude

When the first sharknado hit Los Angeles, we were presented with a portrait of a town that deserved to be destroyed. I mean — really, Los Angeles? A little bad weather and a few sharks and your entire population is screaming and fleeing? New York, however, knows how to handle a sharknado. It didn’t matter how many sharks fell from the sky — the citizens of New York refused to allow it to stop them from enjoying baseball games, visiting the Statue of Liberty, and seeking out a good slice of pizza. New York, you’re the tops!

3) Tara Reid Showed Us How To Handle Losing A Hand

I don’t know about you but if a shark fell out of the sky and bit off my hand, I would probably freak out. Having watched Sharknado 2, I can say that I am definitely not as strong as Tara Reid. Though she may have lost her hand early on in this movie, she never let it slow her down. Not only did she defiantly walk out of the hospital but she also managed to drive a fire truck with only one hand! I’ve got two hands and I don’t think I could do that. Finally, as a perfect example of how to make lemonade out of lemons, she even replaced her missing hand with a radial saw that, as it turns out, was perfect for fighting sharks. You go, girl!

4) Ian Ziering Gave It All He Could

In the first Sharknado, Ian seemed almost annoyed to be there. You got the feeling that he felt that somehow, by appearing in a movie about flying sharks, he was somehow damaging his career. In Sharknado 2, however, Ian brought a lot of conviction to his role. Though it may be hard to understand if you haven’t seen the actual film, I’ll just say that you looked at and listened to Ian and you believed that this man had indeed been inside of a shark.

5) The Statue Of Liberty Lost Her Head

And you better believe that head went rolling down the streets of New York. I am a little bit disappointed that Ian never found a moment to stare up at headless Lady Liberty and shout, “You blew it up! Damn you to Hell!” but oh well.

6) Cameos Galore!

Seeing as how the first Sharknado became a bit of a pop cultural phenomena, we should probably not be surprised that a lot of celebrities agreed to do cameos in the sequel. What should surprise, however, is just how well the cameos were integrated into the film. Whether it was Kelly Osbourne getting eaten by a shark or Matt Lauer and Al Roker arguing over the proper name for the storm (eventually, Matt did call it a sharknado and you can see just how happy Al was; it was a touching moment), all of the cameos worked brilliantly and, even more importantly, they didn’t distract from all of the shark mayhem.

7) The Live Tweeters Were On Fire Last Night!

Especially me! Seriously, Sharknado 2 brought out the best in me.

8) Ian Wasn’t The Only Actor Giving It His All

To be honest, the entire cast brought their A game to Sharknado 2. Everyone from Vivica A. Fox to Mark McGrath to Kari Wuhrer to Tara Reid to Judd Hirsch to well, everyone seemed to understand that for this material to work, they had to be willing to say some of the most ludicrous lines imaginable with a straight face. If a single member of the cast had tried to wink at the audience or play up the film’s inherent campiness, the entire film would have fallen apart. Instead, everyone brought a lot of conviction to their roles. Instead of mocking the film and their dialogue, you could tell that they were instead having fun with it and, as a result, the audience had a lot of fun as well.

9) Kelly Ripa Stamped On The Head Of A Hammerhead Shark

Proof positive that high heels can be a girl’s best friend.

10) Everyone Watched it!

And you know what that means: SHARKNADO 3!

Quickie Review: Eight Legged Freaks (dir. by Ellory Elkayem)

Posted on September 1, 2010 by Arleigh

In 2002 there came a film in the tail end of that year’s summer blockbuster film season which took me by surprise. The film I’m talking about was Eight Legged Freaks. It was from Kiwi-born director Ellory Elkayem and he did a wonderful job of bringing back just a small peek at those fun 1950’s giant monster and insect movies like Them! and a host of others.

The film pretty much follows the same conventions as those old-time monster movies. It has the smart and bookish teenage boy whose love for all things spiders will come in handy as the film moves along. Then there’s the eccentric and creepy loner who collects spiders and learns that the water he has been giving them has now been tainted by toxic chemicals from a drum container that has fallen into a nearby river during transport. This river and the creek it feeds is right next to a down-and-out mining Arizona town, ironically named Prosperity. The film wouldn’t be complete without the arrival of its prodigal son, Chris McCormick (played with quite a bit of understatement by the usual over-the-top David Arquette) whose father used to own the gold mines which the town relied on for its economy.

With a reluctant hero comes the woman he left behind and pined for years ago, but now much older and with kids of her own from a previous marriage. Kari Wuhrer — of MTV and B-movie fame — plays Samantha Parker. McCormick’s love interest who also happens to be Prosperity’s current town sheriff and single mother to the aforementioned teenage boy with the thing for spiders and nubile teen daughter Ashley (played by pre-superstardom Scarlett Johansson). Then there’s Wade, the town mayor whose failing ostrich farm and unused mega-mall is leading him to sell the town wholesale to some nameless giant corporation.

With the basic plot set and characters introduced all hell breaks loose as toxic-mutated spiders grow to giant proportions and begin to terrorize and devour the townspeople. At first, it’s isolated attacks until their numbers grown in size and they attack the town itself en masse. This may be a B-movie but it sure had great CGI-effects when it came to the giant arachnids and how they behaved on the screen. The many different types of giant spiders ended up having distinct personalities to distinguish themselves from each other. From the tank-like tarantula to the agile jumping spiders and the cunning trapdoor spiders. In fact, these spiders were also given some sort of voice which sounded like chipmunks on helium as they screeched, yipped and screamed their way around the screen.

Eight Legged Freaks was not something great to write mom home about, but it was a fun film to sit through, especially one full of teenagers who seem to scream and shout the loudest. This was a type of film that actually needs a rowdy audience to really entertain. There’s really no need to follow the dialogue since most of it is quite forgettable. The action on the screen from the giant spiders chasing motocross-riding teens and their attack on the townspeople at the mega-mall does well without the need of extraneous dialogue.

Ellory Elkayem did a great job in making Eight Legged Freaks not just a fun movie but also a throwback to the 50’s monster movies that we see now on syndication. This movie showed Elkayem had great potential as a genre filmmaker. It’s a shame he had to follow up Eight Legged Freaks with two very awful and forgettable sequels to the Return of the Living Dead franchise. I’m still hoping that he’ll rebound from that double-debacle and make more fun monster movies. Until that happens we’ll always have his little flick about giant, mutant spiders who sounded like chipmunks on helium.