Today’s song of the day is the orchestral theme from the 1953 sci-fi classic, War of the Worlds.
Tag Archives: review
Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer! 1.3 “Witless”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!
This week, Sledge meets the Maninotes.
Episode 1.3 “Witless”
(Dir by Jackie Cooper, originally aired on October 3rd, 1986)
Upset that crime has fallen in the city due to the insanity of just one cop, Don Phillip Souza (Al Ruscio) announces that he will pay a million dollars to anyone who can bring him Sledge Hammer in a box. When his accountant (Basil Hoffman) points out that a million dollars is a lot of money, Souza explains that he’s running a weekly special.
Fortunately for Sledge, it turns out that the city’s assassins are even dumber than he is. On his way to work, he has several close calls that he fails to notice. A knife is tossed at him but is blocked by his newspaper (which is extra thick because of the addition of several new Zodiac signs). Two hitmen accidentally shoot each other when he leans forward. Sledge spills his poisoned coffee before he can drink it. It’s not until he arrives at work and ends up juggling a lit stick of dynamite in Captain Trunk’s office that he realizes someone is after him.
Captain Trunk orders Hammer to hide out in the country. Unfortunately, the cop driving him explains that he has 12 kids and needs the money both to pay for their school and for a vasectomy. A struggle ends with Hammer getting tossed out of the car. He lands in a field, where he is discovered by farmer Jacob (Lewis Arquette) and his daughter, Isadora (Ann Ryerson).
Jacob and Isadora may ride in a buggy and eschew modern technology, but they’re not Amish. They’re not Mennonites either. Instead, they are Maninotes. Isadora insists that Hammer stay in their farmhouse until he recovers. Jacob insists that he do chores. Sledge milks a cow. Sledge tosses hay. Sledge tries and fails to build a barn.
As you probably already guessed, “Witless” is a parody of the 1985 film Witness. It’s definitely an affectionate parody. It doesn’t make fun of the movie so much as it imagines what would have happened if Harrison Ford’s sensitive and intelligent detective had been replaced by a trigger-happy lunatic. Sledge may be attracted to Isadora, but in the end his true love remains his gun. And when the assassins (led by the Don’s accountant) arrive at the farm, Jacob and Isadora appear with machine guns. When Hammer points out that Maninotes are supposed to be against violence, Jacob shrugs. “It’s the ’80s,” he says.
Eventually, Sledge gets in a box and has himself delivered to the Don so that he can collect the money. When Officer Doreau tells Sledge that he can’t take the money because it’s evidence, Sledge laughs and says that he won’t be pressing charges. Instead, he takes the money and gives it to Jacob and Isadora. Jacob says that he’s going to repair the barn and then buy a Porsche.
This is a hilarious episode, from the sight gags at the start to Sledge’s efforts to help out around the farm. The humor is cheerfully absurd. (At one point, when the accountant is slowly creeping up on Sledge, one of the other assassins walks up and takes his place so the accountant can take a break.) David Rasche plays Sledge with just the right amount of clueless enthusiasm. I laughed throughout. Sledge Hammer may be witless, but he’s also very funny.
Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.8 “Watch The Skies”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988. The show can be found on Daily Motion.
This week, the hospital becomes a very sad place.
Episode 4.8 “Watch the Skies”
(Dir by Bethany Rooney, originally aired on November 27, 1985)
Mr. Zapata (Frank Ramirez) comes to the ER complaining of stomach pains. He tells Dr. Fiscus that he doesn’t have time for an examination. He just needs something for the pain so he can go back to his job on the loading docks. Fiscus calls in Dr. Westphall, the most depressing man on the planet, for a consult. When Zapata faints, Westphall diagnoses him as suffering from malnutrition. Zapata is an immigrant from El Salvador, and all of his money goes to paying for food for his kids and younger siblings. When he’s given food at the hospital, he insists that his sister, Morena (Edith Diaz), be allowed to take it home for the family.
It’s a sad story. Of course, Westphall makes it all about himself and his struggle to get the Hospital Board to approve his social outreach programs. For the thousandth time this season, he tells Auschlander that he thought people would automatically agree to all of his ideas. Westphall is the only character I know who can meet a man who is starving and turn it into a pity party for himself.
Speaking of sad stories, Colonel Cochrane (David Ackroyd) is informed that, even if he does regain the ability to walk, he will probably never be allowed to ride in another space shuttle. NASA feels that Cochrane’s religious fervor would make people nervous. (Really?) Cochrane’s wife gets frustrated with him always talking about God and leaves him. Cochrane has yet another vision of himself floating in space. He falls out of his hospital bed and nearly breaks his neck. Dr. Morrison tells Cochrane that God would not want him to destroy himself.
Poor Dr. Morrison. He spends this entire episode getting physically ill because he’s so worried about taking his third remedial exam. It’s actually kind of amazing that Morrison is being allowed to treat high-profile patients (like the astronaut) when he really shouldn’t even be allowed to practice medicine in the first place. (Last season, in case you forgot, Morrison confessed to getting his medical degree from a fly-by-night medical school in South America.)
When Dr. Turner’s ex-husband (Charles Weldon) comes to the hospital and asks her to consider returning to her hometown in Mississippi and serving as the town’s doctor, Chandler gets jealous. Turner informs Chandler that he’ll never be a good doctor unless he learns how to care about other people. Then she dumps him.
At the insistence of Bobby Caldwell, Ehrlich is kicked out of his plastic surgery rotation and assigned to gynecology. Meanwhile, Bobby continues to be a sleaze who hits on every woman in the hospital while obsessing over his new facial scar.
Nurse Rosenthal gets into an argument with abrasive Nurse Lucy Papandrao (Jennifer Savidge). Rosenthal accuses Lucy of being “autocratic.” Lucy accuses Rosenthal of being a suck-up who brings all of her personal problems into the hospital and whose “bratty kids are calling up here all the time.” Rosenthal slaps Lucy. Somehow, Rosenthal does not lose her job, which kind of supports Lucy’s claim that Rosenthal gets special treatment.
Seriously, is no one happy at St. Eligius?
Well, there is one happy couple, and their identity might surprise you. When Dr. Craig comes into work, he finds Gene Galecki (Ramon Bieri) waiting for him with Dr. Craig’s infant granddaughter, Barbara. Gene explains that Yvonne seems to be reacting well but that she still has a long way to go in her recovery. Gene says that he and his wife are going to have to devote all of their time to taking care of Yvonne. He asks Dr. Craig to look after Barbara. Dr. Craig agrees. When he calls Ellen and gives her the news, she’s overjoyed. For that matter, so is Dr. Craig.
So Mark and Ellen Craig end this episode happy. Who would have guessed? Personally, I’m happy for them. Watching this show, it’s easy to get used to the idea of Dr. Craig as always being sarcastic and prickly. This episode reminds us that Dr. Craig is just as compelling when he’s in a good mood.
In the end, there’s a lot of sadness in this episode. Fortunately, there’s some happiness too. That’s a lesson for us all.
Song of the Day: Flux of Time by Jim Williams
Late Night Retro Television Review: Hunter 1.18 “Fire Man”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Hunter, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1991. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!
This week, things are getting hot!
Episode 1.18: “Fire Man”
(Dir Tony Mordente, originally aired May 11th, 1985)
Somebody in Los Angeles has got a military-grade flamethrower and is using it to set fires all over the city.
When a homeless man perishes in a burning warehouse, Hunter and McCall get involved. Their first suspect is a nervous man named Jack Lachman (William Russ, giving a better performance than the material probably deserved), who always seems to show up in the crowds that gather to watch the flames. Jack swears he’s innocent and that the arsonist is instead a former Special Forces operative with whom he served in Vietnam. Jack also claims that the arsons are connected to a war crime that Jack and his fellow soldiers covered up.
Also getting involved is Matt Gold (Mark Schneider), a reporter determined to get the story and unconcerned about whether he messes up the investigation in the process. At first, McCall thinks Matt is harmless. Hunter does not. Not surprisingly, Hunter turns out to be right: the media gets in the way of solving and preventing crimes.
This episode was all about visual style. The plot wasn’t terribly complicated, but the shots of the arsonist setting his fires were disturbing, as were the images of the flames quickly consuming anything they touched. The scene in which the arsonist takes out a witness was disturbingly violent, even by Hunter’s standards. At the same time, the song that seemed to play whenever the arsonist appeared quickly got old.
As violent as the episode got, there was something reassuring about Hunter and McCall once again stopping the bad guy and saving the city—and doing it while trading quips. It’s a scary world out there, this episode seemed to be saying, but luckily we’ve got Hunter and McCall to take out the trash.
Retro Television Review: Juvenile Court 1.1 “Pilot”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! This Thursday, I will be reviewing Juvenile Court, which aired its only episode in syndication in 1958. The show can be found on YouTube!
Episode 1.1 “Pilot”
(Dir by Ralph Nelson, originally aired on September 1st, 1958)
Fifteen-year-old Raymond Pearson (Lee Kinsolving) has been charged with trying to steal a car and almost beating the car’s owner to death. Now he sits in a courtroom with his stepparents and sullenly listens as Commissioner Robert Dortman (Ken Lynch) questions his family and his squirmy accomplice, Charlie Wiggins (Tommy Cook). Dortman’s questions eventually reveal that Raymond’s crimes are linked to his conflicted feelings about his biological father, who wants nothing to do with him. Though Dortman has sympathy for Raymond, he still has to sentence him to juvenile hall. His stepfather promises to support Raymond as best he can.
The key to understanding Juvenile Court is a title card at the start that thanks the Los Angeles Juvenile Courts for their assistance. The pilot is a no-frills courtroom drama that takes place in one location and is essentially just a guy asking questions and then listening to the answers. One can understand why it didn’t become a series: while the actors are all good and believable, the episode’s style is extremely dry.
The interesting thing about this episode is the way it mixes the approaches of both the Left and the Right when it comes to examining Raymond’s crimes. The liberal will look at this show and say, “Raymond became a criminal because he never had a chance to be anything else, not with his father and his insecurities.” The conservative will look at it and say, “Raymond nearly beat a man to death. That’s all that matters.” The show says, “You’re both right!” We learn about Raymond’s sad background, but we also watch as Raymond is sentenced to confinement.
This show reminded me a bit of Decoy, the Beverly Garland cop show that I recently finished reviewing. They’re both from the late ’50s, and they both attempted to capture the feel of a documentary. Just as Decoy’s Casey Jones often had to arrest people who weren’t entirely evil, the commissioner has to send Raymond to juvie despite understanding what led Raymond to commit his criminal acts.
Seen today, Juvenile Court is the type of thing that appeals largely to history nerds like me. There’s not much drama, but it’s still interesting to see what the world was like nearly 70 years ago.
Song of the Day: Tarzan Day by Baltimora
According to Checkiday, today is Tarzan Day!
In honor of everyone’s favorite lord of the jungle, here is today’s song of the day!
Scene That I Love: The End of the World from Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia
Today’s scene that I love comes from Lars Von Trier’s Melancholia. Von Trier is always going to be controversial filmmaker but no one has ever matched his brilliance when it came to capturing the end of existence.
In Melancholia, a depressed woman (played in a revelatory performance by Kristen Dunst) finds unexpected strength in the end of the world. As can be seen in the scene below, it’s a beautifully sad film, one that ends on a note of triumphant apocalypse:
Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.14 “The Irreducible Bottom Line”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, the fourth season comes to a close!
Episode 4.14 “The Irreducible Bottom Line”
(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on January 4th, 1989)
The Bulls are going to the championship game, and Joe Namath is hosting a documentary about them. In mockumentary style, Namath and his cameras follow the players around as they prepare for the big game. Quarterback Doug Clayton is told to say, “I’m going to Play Land!” if he wins. Bubba insists on wearing his lucky shirt, no matter how sweat-stained it gets. A decal for a burger chain is placed on all the footballs. The game is as much about big money as it is about victory. In the end, the Bulls win easily, and Coach Denardo finally gets a post-game call from the President.
This is a weird episode. According to IMDb, it ran 26 minutes when it premiered on HBO — the standard running time for 1st & Ten. The version streaming on Prime and Tubi, however, is only 12 minutes long and is full of abrupt jump cuts. Those streaming copies are the syndication edits. Because the series originated on HBO, most episodes included a little nudity and a lot of profanity, all of which was cut for syndication. In this case, about 14 minutes appear to have been removed. One can only assume the Bulls really partied before and after the big game.
Unfortunately, that makes it pretty much impossible to review the episode properly. A few amusing moments still land, mostly the ones that treat sports as a business. It’s also obvious that large stretches of the story were cut. All I can say is that the Bulls finally won the championship, and the rather uneven fourth season of 1st & Ten is over. We’ll start season five next week.
Song of the Day: We Are One By Lydia
When the infamous epic Caligula was first released back in 1979, a disco version of Caligula’s love theme — We Are One — was also released as a promotional gimmick.
This song is so over-the-top, so blatantly exploitive, so insidiously catchy, and so totally inappropriate for so many reasons that become clear after you watch the film it was written for that it simply cannot be ignored. To me, this song represents everything that makes the Grindhouse great.
(As well, I hope whoever was playing bass got paid extra…)
