“My Monster”, Short Film Review, By Case Wright

Some shorts are just garbage trash. Some lack a coherent structure. This particular short tried to be clever, but ended as kinda dumb. I don’t mind things being stupid. Many of the nicest people in my life aren’t geniuses. This short felt like a couple of randos got a camcorder and just decided to make a Christmas themed short horror film.

I have watched worse films. At least, this short was done on a small budget; so, I can’t crap on it too much. It does need some crapping upon… for fairness.

Lily has a problem: she sees a monster outside of her window and her Tae Bo training boyfriend doesn’t believe her. Eventually, he sees the monster and it kills him and she starts dating the monster. I guess that it’s like a trial by ordeal. The monster defeated her boyfriend; so, the monster gets to watch old movies with her etc.

We used to elect Presidents the same way. The electoral college was a battle royal with everybody claiming each other’s spouses and electoral college votes. The Iowa caucuses was just full-on cannibal- very Hills have Eyes, but with extra corn. I’m sure that those brave/weird souls of yesteryear would’ve understood this short film and would have been immensely entertained. I am not and was not, but they did make an ok home movie.

MeNA, Short Film Review, By Case Wright

Hulu….Why? I have to educate Hulu or stop them; it takes a Village or The Village. A short needs a Beginning, A Middle, and an End. It should NOT be a teaser for a longer film that you could not get a budget for or a story that you couldn’t figure out. I’m not watching any more of Hulu’s garbage trash. They should stick to being the depository of re-runs. Yes, I’m mad.

Me.N.A features, Jeff, an office-worker-drone who really wants to be special, but isn’t. I’ve worked with these office workers: their cubicles are bare or their cubicles are overly ornate. They are desperate to be noticed. *Sigh* I remember one lady who had all these figurines; she liked to make fun of deaf people and when I called her out, she just glared at me…for months. Well, she ate a lot of fast food; so, maybe she’s had a coronary by now? *I look up to the skies to an indifferent God who doesn’t know my name.*

Jeff decides that the best way to be special is to get his DNA tested. This isn’t the worst idea. I mean, a DNA test confirmed the family rumors that we were Italian and that was an awesome day! Maybe the lifechanging moment for Jeff could be located in his GATC. Who knows? This short was getting kinda good. Then, the rails came off. Fencers, I guess, show up and cart Jeff off to a large …. I guess … gerbil cage. Anyway, that’s it. No conclusion. No ending. Matthew Epstein, the writer/director, didn’t know what a short was. I wish that he had called me first.

The short is NOT a teaser. It’s a brief self-contained story and anything else is a total cheat and garbage because anyone can leave something unfinished. Now, we have a story without an ending like a shitty version of Quantum Leap. Hulu, you are dead to me.

“Rubes”, Film Review, By Case Wright

What if OK GO went psycho? This short explores that premise. The protagonists Milton and Paul are much like OK GO, talented, yet a tiny bit pompous. Although OK GO hasn’t murdered anyone…yet, I’m sure that if they did start a life of murderin’ that they would murder like this.

Milton and Paul have just been laid before getting tenure. This fact made me like them less because I despise professors. I’m sure that some are not lazy, sanctimonious, garbage-people, but they must be in hiding or retired because even this week, one of my professors just didn’t show up for class- Just didn’t feel like it. I assuming his thoughts were as follows: Too bad, so sad lowly students – I’m going to roll around in my unearned money now like the thief that I am…. or something like that.

Try getting these holier than thou gasbags held to account and it will take you a year to get your money back and this wasn’t a For Profit school either- NO NO NO…These were public schools; so, take that taxpayer. In my case, it was Uncle Sam’s money that I demanded back because a calculus professor didn’t show up for the entire quarter for either of his classes; yet, he still expected to be and WAS paid. For me, hearing that two professors got fired in this film, made me wonder if I was watching fantasy and if a dragon would appear any minute. I swore heavily in an earlier draft, but I held back for you.

These two professors were fired and decided to kidnap those whom fired them and kill them using Rube Goldberg machines. My main critique is not the jokes or writing- those were fine; overall, the short was entertaining. No, my problem was that they didn’t spend enough time making the Rube Goldberg machine complex enough. Try harder, but then again, perhaps that lent some realism to the film because there is nothing lazier or worse than a college professor. We could put them on the same Herpes-Infected-Horny-Racoon-Island (HIHRI) where I’d like to put all of the sanctimonious politicians. Now, that is a platform we can all get behind!

ORIGIN, Film Review, by Case Wright

I have a love/hate relationship with short films because there isn’t a middle ground. Film school is starting to look like a place to go to get in from the rain. When they’re done well, it’s so moving and amazing because in this short period of time, I cared about these characters and was sad to see them fail or overjoyed to see them win. What a lot of filmmakers fail to understand about the short is how challenging they are and really it should inform them that maybe they should try something else. Painting? Sculpting? Insurance? Mail Carrier? Many terrible short-filmmakers will evolve into terrible feature-length story tellers. They have to be stopped!

The short film becomes the proving ground for their bad habits: trading a shocking shot for narrative, trading grittiness for character likeability, trading story structure for a lazy jumbled mess masquerading as realism.

ORIGIN is the worst short that I’ve ever seen. It’s good in that it show what NOT to do. The story is derivative and boring. The characters are unlikeable, which might trick a teacher into saying great realism, but in reality – banal unlikeable characters lower your stakes and destroy your final act. The dialogue is predictable. The emotion is stilted and unbelievable. Sadly, it was thirteen minutes too long.

ORIGIN depicts a banal and horrible family dealing with their son being attacked and slowly transforming into a monster. The son doesn’t speak and we learn nothing about him; so, I didn’t care when he died. The father was gross, boring, and annoying; so, I didn’t care when he had to put his monster son down. The mom was a boring/cheating whiner. Her dull and uncaring boyfriend was just sort of there sometimes like a mailbox. The mom and her boyfriend added nothing and slowed an already terrible story down.

What was really insulting was the hamfisted violins at the end that were way too loud to let me know- this is where you should feel……sad. Well, I didn’t and no one should. Don’t tell me how to feel. You have to earn concern. You have to earn stakes. Just having a bunch of unlikeable people running around is boring. We need a show on TLC called filmmaker intervention!

Jezebel, Review by Case Wright

The short is an amazingly challenging artform. Often, writers will abuse the short by turning it into a pitch for a longer film or worse they have no resolution at all. Sometimes it’s just plain boring. Jezebel was boring. I was checking the runtime 3 minutes into it. I think it’s a nine-minute runtime. I was bored for…. nine of them. Leave it to a pretentious writer to make sex boring. I didn’t know that was a thing, but here we are.

Jezebel is about a Victorian era stilted talking depressive vampire who REALLY like to philosophize between “Johns”/Snacks. She eats her customers, even a clingy one who she seemed to love after knowing him for only 2 minutes. I understand that a short needs to be compact, but it shouldn’t be terrible. Jezebel appears to have won a number of awards, which I’m assuming were given out of gratitude that it ended.

If you want to re-create the verbiage of your thirteen year old goth friend, this short is for you!

“9 Minutes” (Dir. P.J. Wolff) Short-Film Review

Why do aliens always molest people in trailer parks/rural areas? Is it a slumming thing? I get that they’d wanna send the big guns to take over everything like a gigantic bomber, but the lure of the trailer park and its inhabitants aren’t really interesting to me and haven’t gotten into interstellar travel or even bent a wormhole. Also, if you’re an alien, why wait? I get it if you’re sending semi-autonomous drones like we do to Mars, but again our drones would be WAY more interested in a Martian city rather than fatty Martians drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

There’s the whole lost time thing. First, if you were to lose time because they’re going at the speed of light, you’d come back thousands of years later. Why would it be great for the aliens? By the time the Greys got back here, we humans would be 10000 years in the future and we’d all be dead or extremely advanced or maybe even beyond these particular aliens. In fact, their alien homeland might be extinct when they return home because of their fancy-pants super-luminal travel and nonchalant disregard of basic relativity. Go ahead and visit alien varmints, you’d come back and we’d have our own flyin’ saucers you little smug alien bitches! Teach you to probe us and bother people in the Berkshires!

This short on Dust answers the question: what happens when you get abducted and have your memory wiped. John, the quasi-protagonist, more like creepy hermit is building his very own personal trailer park. John always reachin for the stars with his feet on the ground! John has no one, but his trusty dog Jet who is much more interesting than John.

John sees a cloud in the sky that looks kinda weird and he takes a photo. Later that night, it’s aliens!!!! He does the floaty thing, but hits record on his phone. All could think was I really don’t wanna see this guy probed; my YouTube algorithms will never be the same.

He wakes up and his hands are burned and his phone shows a recording of 9 Minutes. It’s mostly him running around a lot. His dog, Jet, appears dead and they left John this……

Damn Weird Aliens! The dog comes back to life as a robo-dog?

The short had a couple of quick thrills and it’s fun to see the take on the alien abduction genre. Maybe, he’ll paint with acrylic? Please let it be so!!!!