AI is not always great. I do use it a lot for patent-related work, legal questions, and drafting legal documents. However, for AI to be a tool- you can’t be one. A guy jogs in casual Friday gear, he gets shot with a tree dart, hallucinates, and is kidnapped by a large bat-crow. I never thought about making something boring. Maybe, my writing is not always great, but I don’t think it’s boring.
If the apocalypse is this boring, I pass. Maybe it’s just crow-related apocalypses that are boring? I’m not sure, but this was 4 minutes of my life that was stolen from me. Just stolen!
Ethan, the creator, never makes title cards and I find that… just ughhhhh, but the films are kinda … okay. I am reviewing this short because it was his most watched and he deserves to be judged by his best work; so, here we go!
This is NOT good, but people liked it; in fact, 500,000 people liked it. I want them to know that I am VERY disappointed in them and they will just have to live with that!
The short is voice over with AI Cthulhus that have taken over the Earth because we sent out messages into space to find us. Really, that is the whole film.
I know that AI films aren’t for everyone, but I’m convinced now that they are the future. To my actor, writer, director, and producer friends, you need to get on board or be left behind. Yes, they are aggressively mediocre today, but they didn’t even exist three years ago. Three years from now, there will be feature films written and self-distributed in a weekend. AI film is evolving and will soon surpass current film. The difference between the films I reviewed last year to this year is a quantum leap.
“Don’t Go to Wolf 1069” is actually pretty good. It has a beginning, middle, and an end. It has a clear story with distinct characters and, most importantly, suspense. Worth noting, Wolf 1069 is an actual star that likely has an planet in the habitable zone. Also, I actually cared that the protagonists were in peril- that is new for an AI film.
“Don’t Go to Wolf 1069” has an “Alien” vibe. It’s a group of surveyors going to an alien planet to find minerals for corporations to exploit and they discover murderous creatures. Okay, that is the exact plot of “Alien”, but this is a little different because the aliens are …. wait for it…. HUMANS… sorta. I give credit to the writer because using an actual star and planet helps anchor the story with some realism. The film is flawed- the characters don’t use each others names enough and there isn’t a lot of character development, but that could be resolved if it were a feature length film. The leader, Xu, is the only character with a clear personality and the only other memorable character who has a personality, in that he is horny and English, goes missing almost immediately.
Back to the plot. the group goes around the alien planet and finds evidence of cities, roads, and worship sites. They get separated and the remaining crew investigate the ruins, but discover that the bones are human-lite. They are, in fact, Neanderthals’ who we are to believe 1) ate us (not true), 2) were more advanced (unlikely), and 3) fled earth ages ago using their awesome spaceships (really?). The crew searches for their lost horny comrade and finds him – well, what’s left of him. His flesh was ripped from his bones and the remains were crucified; so, that’s bad. Therefore, the crew decides to flee for their lives and hopefully not lead the Neanderthals’ back to Earth.
With some work, this could be a feature length film. Producers need to figure out how to co-opt this creativity or they will be obsolete.
He didn’t make a title card; so, I don’t have to either! Take that, Ethan! This is your run of the mill interstellar space craft crashes on an unknown alien planet and they wander around and get eaten.
Have none of these people ever gone hiking? There is dangerous stuff right here on planet Earth that should make you wary!
If you are ever on a space craft that crashes and you see bizarre abandoned stuff everywhere, don’t investigate like you’re in an 80s horror movie.
Well, at least, Cthulhu wasn’t woken up by Antarctic explorers. I went to Antarctica, but when you’ve seen one abandoned city of madness, you’ve seen them all!
This short has dumbass explorers too, but they are scuba divers; so, that’s new. I wouldn’t describe this short as good, but it something that was made.
The divers discover elder gods and the residents of a coastal town head into the sea to be its food. If you’re looking for more of a plot, you won’t get it. I just wish that this film didn’t take itself so seriously; it even had some black and white shots. UGHHHH. Check it out or don’t…I’m not a cop.
Last year, I reviewed A LOT of AI horror films and yes…most were terrible. It is sad that these films exist and someone spend time making them. However, there are some that are not the worst.
“They Have Awakened” by Ethan is a super short film on Antarctic explorers who find a cave that is just chock full of Cthulhu…Cthulhus(?)…Cthulhossiers(?). Cthulhossiers are like other Cthulhus, but they’re mostly into college hoops.
The explorer team finding Cthulhus is essentially a sub-genre; the stories are always the same, BUT some times the rendering is slightly better. I am actually tired of explorers continuing to unleash Cthulhus- can’t they be like the other Antarctic scientists that I’ve met and just turn to alcoholism and amphetamines?
The film is aggressively mediocre, but it’s only 4 minutes and change; so, have an oat-forward pancake and spend four minutes watching.
Happy Halloween! I see A LOT of terrible movies for your pleasure. It’s a really weird relationship we have. However, I am glad to do it because there are some gems, not from AI because that’s pretty much the worst. “The Mountains of Madness” AI short wasn’t terrible, but maybe I have trouble seeing it now because I have been so mentally hurt….for you. I have seen so many ham-fisted AI slops this month that you’d think that I worked in a deli! Unlike the usual dreck I watch for you, this short is a treasure and I am almost thinking I won’t review any other shorts because I want to end on a high note or maybe I’ll go all in and end on a very low note.
A couple escaped their home where a demon they summoned called “The Choir” has killed all of their friends. One problem: they forgot the cat- Mr Whiskers; so, they have to re-enter the house of horrors to save their pet. There is a recurring song the couple wrote to get the cat to play: “Littlest Man” … it’s cute. As they struggle to rescue their cat, we learn that they are an unhappy couple.
The unhappy duo must fight “The Choir” demon to get the cat. The demon’s only weakness is loud noises and being stabbed. The couple’s relationship is like The Choir demon because they have endless awkward silences, which has destroyed their relationship. The cat was used by the couple to avoid their awkward silences; in fact, the cat was the only glue in their relationship.
By fighting the demon and rescuing their cat, they healed their relationship… a little. I still think that they will break up, but it is ok because the cat is safe and I got to review something good! It’s weird to be able to look a film up on IMDB again because AI films are excluded as far as I am able to ascertain. I recommend this short and I really do believe that you will like it! Enjoy the rest of Halloween!
Happy Halloween! This is the end to an awesome horrorthon! I will have some more posts today. I will try to find at least one good thing to review for Halloween. It’s not easy and will likely NOT be done by AI because they’re terrible.
The Book Chose Him answers the question: What if Harry Potter sucked and was ninety seconds long?
The film opens with a realistic teenager in a library and magical glowing book starts to open in front of him. I suppose this is the whole “choosing him thing.” Why though? Why stick around to look at a radioactive book? Then, the main character becomes a cartoon, but race swaps from Indian teenager to a eight year old white kid. Why couldn’t he have been Indian the time? It’s confusing and unnecessary.
The protagonist is walking around a fancy library library with glowing candles that are an obvious fire hazard and he switches nationalities 6 more times from white to Indian and back again. It’s super weird. Was there another kid in the library? The protagonist goes to another world where gravity is just not “in” anymore. This is just horrible in every way. This creator should go to the sharks! This is the worst. Don’t even bother.
The intro looks terrible. It’s bad even for anything I have seen up to this point. We open with a meteor heading towards earth.
A bear watches the impact and goes to investigate because why not? The meteor was hiding a spaceship. Later, there is a cute couple taking a selfie during their camping trip. I wonder what will happen?
They enter a cave and hear growling. They are confronted by a MONSTER BEAR. A huge huge bear. I’m guessing the bear is part alien now. The monster bear attacks and kills the husband, but the wife escapes and has PTSD hallucinations.
The ending was not great. I would have ended in the cave rather than tack on this boring segment. So, when the angry mobs come to feed the AI creators to sharks, I would just let the sharks gnaw on this creator, but nothing terrible. It was bad though; so, know that and if the creator reads this, please stop doing this.
No title card; so, I used this as the title card. *sigh* This AI short gave me a little jump. It did have some suspense; so, I won’t feed the creator to the sharks. Sorry Sharks.
Woman alone brushing her teeth, but there is a malevolent force in there with her. The bathroom is by definition private and you’re almost always vulnerable. The film has some suspense and payoff. It is worth watching.
