Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to actress and advice columnist Elizabeth Berkley. Today’s scene that I love comes from the most famous episode of Saved By The Bell. Are you excited?
Tag Archives: Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Late Night Retro Television Review: Good Morning, Miss Bliss 1.2 “Love Letters”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week …. well, it’s all really stupid.
Episode 1.2 “Love Letters”
(Dir by Burt Brinkerhoff, originally aired on December 7th, 1988)
Miss Bliss thinks that Mr. Belding has sent her a love letter! Mr. Belding thinks Miss Bliss had sent him a love letter! Much awkwardness follows. Of course, the truth is that they both have a love letter that Zach wrote to Lisa (the character, not me) on behalf of Screech. Screech, meanwhile, writes Zach’s term paper on the War of 1812, which is probably the easiest war to write a paper on. I mean, if Zach can’t handle the War of 1812 on his own, he really is doomed.
This was a dumb episode, one that was later remade as an episode of Saved By The Bell during the infamous Tori season. The remake even went as far as to have Zach write a love note to Lisa for Screech and Mr. Belding and another teacher thinking that the note was written for them. Somehow, no one stopped and said, “Hey, hasn’t this happened before?” The remake was just as dumb as the original.
I will say this. Dustin Diamond is actually …. dare I say it? …. likable in this episode. Watching this episode, I could actually understand why Diamond was at the center of so many early episodes of Saved By The Bell because it appears that, before he started doing the squeaky, cartoonish voice thing and got totally typecast as the most annoying person on the planet, Dustin Diamond actually was a good child actor. There’s a sincere sweetness to his crush on Lisa in this episode. It’s quite a contrast to the deranged stalker that he would later become.
I should also note, for Saved By The Bell historians, this episode is the first to establish that Screech has a crush on Lisa and that Lisa, who is kind of mean in this episode, wishes that Screech would get lost. At the start of the episode, Lisa stuffs Screech in a locker. That seems a bit extreme to me. It’s always struck me as strange how the people on these shows were always getting stuffed into lockers. I went to a lot of different schools when I was growing up and I never once saw that happen to anyone. And yet, on Saved By The Bell and a host of other Peter Engel-produced sitcoms, it’s like a daily occurrence. I would think that it can’t be healthy to be stuffed in a locker. I can’t imagine the air quality is very good inside one of those metal caskets.
This episode also presents Screech and Zach as not being the childhood friends that Saved By The Bell later presented them as being. (Indeed, Screech mentions that no one will believe that he and Zach are actually friends.) Then again, this episode also takes place in Indiana instead of California so I guess it’s best not to worry too much about continuity.
On the How Condescending Is Miss Bliss scale, this episode score a solid 7 out of 10. She wasn’t anywhere near as a condescending as she would be in some of her later episodes but her comment when Mr. Belding asks her for the identity of the person who actually wrote the letter — “Why should I tell you? You just dumped me.” — pushes the score up to a 7.
Next week, Miss Bliss loses a lot of money when she stupidly allows the kids to invest it. What a terrible teacher. We’ll see what happens!
Late Night Retro Television Review: Good Morning, Miss Bliss 1.1 “Summer Love”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
With Check It Out! finished, it’s time to review a new show. Continuing this feature’s tradition of highlighting the work of executive producer Peter Engel, it’s time for Good Morning, Miss Bliss, the show that would eventually become Saved By The Bell!
Episode 1.1 “Summer Love”
(Dir by Burt Brinckerhoff, originally aired on November 30th, 1988)
It’s the first day of school at JFK Junior High, located in beautiful Indianapolis, Indiana.
Miss Carrie Bliss (Hayley Mills), our narrator, is looking forward to a new year as a history teacher. The school’s principal, Richard Belding (a surprisingly thin Dennis Haskins) is worried about a new year of out-of-control students and angry parents. Miss Bliss’s best friend, Ms. Tina Palladino (Joan Ryan), worries that Mr. Belding has given her a bad schedule because of a disappointing school play she directed the previous year.
Miss Bliss has a date, the first one since her husband died. Brian (Barry Jenner) is handsome and successful but romance will have to wait as Miss Bliss deals with the problems of her homeroom students. Over the summer, pathological liar Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) told a girl named Karen (Carla Gugino, in one of her first roles) that he would soon be starting the 9th grade. Of course, Zack is actually starting the 8th Grade but he figured that he would never see Karen again so why not…. oh my God, this kid is a terrible human being! Anyway, Karen transfers to JFK and Zack has to pretend to be in the 9th Grade. He does this despite the fact that all of his friends, Mickey (Max Battimo), Nikki (Heather Hopper), Lisa (Lark Voorhees), and the nerdy Screech (Dustin Diamond), are in the 8th Grade and Zack’s homeroom is in an 8th grade classroom.
Got all that?
Needless to say, this episode would not be remembered today if not for the fact that it was the first appearance of Mr. Belding, Zack Morris, Lisa Turtle, and Screech Powers. These characters were, of course, later retconned to be Californians when Saved By The Bell started. Miss Bliss did not make the transition to California and for that, we should all be happy. Even in this first episode, Miss Bliss comes across as being a self-righteous know-it-all who obviously feels that she’s too good for a junior high in Indiana. In her first scene, she brags about getting a good class schedule, dismisses Tina’s concerns about her own class schedule, and then smirks as Mr. Belding talks about his anxiety. This would pretty much be Miss Bliss’s signature style for the rest of the short life of Good Morning, Miss Bliss.
How do our regulars do in their first appearance as the characters that would make them famous? Dennis Haskins gives a semi-realistic performance as Belding, playing him as being a harried pencil-pusher as opposed to the cartoonish figure he would become later on. Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Lark Voorhies do well-enough as Zack and Lisa, though both of their characters are far more simpler here than they would become later. Dustin Diamond was only 11 year old when he was cast as Screech and he looked and comes across as being several years younger. (I recently saw an interview with Mark-Paul Gosselaar where he explained that the main reason why Diamond struggled to fit in with the rest of the cast was because he was considerably younger than everyone else on the show. I would say that he was probably too young. Imagine looking back on your life as an actor and realizing that you were permanently typecast by a role you first played when you were 11.)
Anyway, this was a forgettable but historically important episode. Just imagine if it had never aired.
Insomnia File #67: Heist (dir by Scott Mann)
What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!
If you find yourself awake later tonight, you can always go over to Tubi and watch the 2015 direct-to-video action thriller, Heist.
Heist takes place in Louisiana. Francis “The Pope” Silva (Robert De Niro) is a mobster and businessman who owns a riverboat casino. The Pope lives his life according to a set of simple but very specific rules. He doesn’t lend money. He doesn’t forgive people who betray him. If you steal from him, he will track you down and he will get his money back and he will make you regret your decision. Working as his main henchman is the sadistic Dog (Morris Chestnut). The Pope’s former main henchman was a man named Luke Vaughn (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) but Luke grew tired of the violence and walked away from it all. Now, Luke works as a dealer in The Pope’s casino. His daughter is sick and Luke desperately needs $300,000 to pay her medial bills. When The Pope refuses to give him the money, Luke teams up with security guard Jason Cox (Dave Bautista) and sets out to rob the place.
The robbery is carefully planned by Luke but, inevitably, things go wrong. A security guard shows up earlier than he was supposed to. A shootout leads to Jason’s best friend, Dante (Stephen Cyrus Sepher), getting shot. The getaway driver panics and drives off, leading to Luke, Cox, and Dante hijacking a bus. Cox orders the bus driver (D.B. Sweeney) to take them to Galveston but Luke is more concerned with getting the money to his daughter. Meanwhile, two police officers — Kris Bajos (Gina Carano) and Detective Marconi (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) — follow the bus, each pursuing their own agenda.
Considering that this film is basically a low budget rip-off of Speed (albeit without a bomb threatening to take out the cast), Heist has an impressive cast and they all do a good job of elevating the film above its B-movie origins. Don’t get me wrong. There are hundreds of plot holes to be found in Heist. The film’s big twist really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. But, in the end, Heist is an entertaining thrill ride that moves quickly enough that most viewers really won’t have time to obsess on all the lapses of logic. Morgan plays his role with just enough heart that you want his criminal to succeed. De Niro brings some extra layers to a role that could have been a caricature. There’s a brief scene in which he meets his estranged daughter (Kate Bosworth) and, as a result, you suddenly see his character in an entirely new light. As a character who seems like a much more sinister version of Zach Morris, Mark-Paul Gosselaar keeps you guessing. And finally, Gina Carano — years before her cancellation — gives an earnest performance that works despite her character being rather inconsistently written.
Heist is an entertaining and fast-paced action film with a good cast and an interesting story. If you can’t sleep, you might as well be entertained.
Previous Insomnia Files:
- Story of Mankind
- Stag
- Love Is A Gun
- Nina Takes A Lover
- Black Ice
- Frogs For Snakes
- Fair Game
- From The Hip
- Born Killers
- Eye For An Eye
- Summer Catch
- Beyond the Law
- Spring Broke
- Promise
- George Wallace
- Kill The Messenger
- The Suburbans
- Only The Strong
- Great Expectations
- Casual Sex?
- Truth
- Insomina
- Death Do Us Part
- A Star is Born
- The Winning Season
- Rabbit Run
- Remember My Name
- The Arrangement
- Day of the Animals
- Still of The Night
- Arsenal
- Smooth Talk
- The Comedian
- The Minus Man
- Donnie Brasco
- Punchline
- Evita
- Six: The Mark Unleashed
- Disclosure
- The Spanish Prisoner
- Elektra
- Revenge
- Legend
- Cat Run
- The Pyramid
- Enter the Ninja
- Downhill
- Malice
- Mystery Date
- Zola
- Ira & Abby
- The Next Karate Kid
- A Nightmare on Drug Street
- Jud
- FTA
- Exterminators of the Year 3000
- Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
- The Haunting of Helen Walker
- True Spirit
- Project Kill
- Replica
- Rollergator
- Hillbillys In A Haunted House
- Once Upon A Midnight Scary
- Girl Lost
- Ghosts Can’t Do It
Film Review: Precious Cargo (dir by Max Adams)
2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).
Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis). Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull). Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen. Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump. “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna. Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.
It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss. Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross! The plot is nothing special. It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently. It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist. The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.
That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film. Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack. To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor. (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode. I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does. So there.) Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.
Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis. This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career. When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition. I don’t know if that’s quite true. (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.) But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in. That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part. He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day. Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.
Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.
Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.21 “The Torch”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!
This week, its the most shocking episode of Highway to Heaven yet!
Episode 2.21 “The Torch”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 12th, 1986)
Everett Salomon (Herschel Bernardi) is a Holocaust survivor who has become wealthy and successful in the United States. In poor health and in need of a heart transplant, Everett spends most of his time giving speeches about his experiences in the concentration camp. He is disturbed by the rise in Holocaust denialism and has dedicated his remaining years to battling the scourge of Neo-Nazism. In a disturbing scene that brings to mind the horrible images of the October 7 attacks, a Nazi named Cal (Robert O’Reilly) sneaks onto Everett’s property in the middle of the night and murders his dog.
Cal is a follower of Jan Baldt (Paul Koslo), a Neo-Nazi and a Holocaust denier who has turned his basement into a shooting range so that he and his buddies can fire their guns at pictures of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and Moshe Dayan. Jan is consumed by hate and he’s teaching that hate to his young son, Rolf (played by a very, very young Mark-Paul Gosselaar). While Jan rants about conspiracies and bankers, Rolf cleans the guns in the basement.
At a Nazi rally, Jan’s speech is interrupted by Everett’s son, Joseph (David Kaufman). Cal proceeds to make his way through the crowd and ends up shooting Joseph dead. When Everett hears the news, he has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital by two paramedics, Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon. Meanwhile, while Jan and Cal celebrate in their basement, Rolf picks up a submachine gun and, not realizing it’s loaded, pulls the trigger and guns both men down.
Everett finally gets the heart transplant that he’s needed ever since he was first liberated from the camps. Unfortunately, that heart comes from Jan Baldt. At first, Everett refuses to accept the heart but then the ghosts of his parents and of Joseph appear to him and tell him that he has to continue to live and let people know the truth about what happened in the camps.
Later, Everett leaves the hospital and tells the reporters waiting outside that he will never be silent.
This seems to be one of the episodes of Highway to Heaven that anyone who has ever watched the show remembers. Because the show is usually rather gentle and non-violent, this episode can be a rather jarring viewing experience. The first time I saw it, the only thing that stunned me more than Joseph’s death was the subsequent deaths of Jan and Cal. The episode ends on an uplifting note but I always find myself wondering what happened to Rolf. Without his father around to brainwash him, will Rolf be able to learn something other than hate? Or is it too late for him? Is Rolf damned to follow in his father’s footsteps?
With the current rise of anti-Semitism, this episode still feels incredibly relevant. There’s really not much difference between Jan Baldt’s rants and the stuff currently being spewed by Nick Fuentes, Candace Owens, and Brianna Joy Gray. This episode reminds us that “never again” has to be more than just a catch phrase.
What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #219: Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style (dir by Don Barnhart)
Yesterday evening, I watched the 1992 made-for-TV movie, Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style!
Why Was I Watching It?
Eh. It was on Netflix. I was thinking about all of the fun that I had when I visited Hawaii. I had just posted my review of Dustin Diamond’s Behind The Bell and I was feeling a little guilty about some of the things I wrote about him. I saw the film was available to watch and I thought, “Why not?”
What Was It About?
The Saved By The Bell gang is spending their summer vacation in Hawaii! Kelly’s grandfather (played by “special guest star” Dean Jones) owns a hotel but …. uh-oh! It looks like the hotel is going to go out of business unless Zack and the gang can fool a bunch of principals (led by their principal, Mr. Belding) to check in.
Along with trying to save the hotel, each member of the Gang gets an adventure of their own!
Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) falls for a single mother (Rena Sofer), who has a rich boyfriend who owns a limo. Zack thinks the guy is shallow and is unimpressed with his wealth. Zack Morris, class warrior? Whatever.
Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Theissen) falls for her grandfather’s lawyer, not knowing that he’s actually working for the rival hotel.
Jessie (Elizabeth Berkley) and Slater (Mario Lopez) try to spend the entire vacation without fighting.
Lisa (Lark Voorhies) makes a bet that Jessie and Slater can’t spend the entire vacation without fighting.
And Screech (Dustin Diamond) is mistaken for a deity by a Polynesian tribe.
Wait, what?
What Did Not Work?
It’s Saved By The Bell …. without a laugh track!
Unfortunately, Saved By The Bell was one of those shows that really needed a laugh track because, without the sound of an audience being ordered to laugh, it becomes next to impossible to ignore just how lame most of the jokes are. Though the cast of Saved By The Bell featured a few talented actors, every single one of them still delivers their Hawaiian Style lines as if they’re waiting for the laughter that never comes. As a result, every “laugh line” is followed by an awkward pause.
As for the show’s plot …. well, let’s put it like this. Traditionally, I start out these posts by discussing what worked before then discussing what didn’t. However, so little works with Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style that I felt like it was best to get all of the negative stuff out of the way early. While Saved By The Bell always required a healthy suspension of disbelief, Hawaiian Style abuses the privilege. Saved By The Bell Hawaiian Style asks us to believe the following:
- Kelly would be allowed to travel all the way to Hawaii without her parents.
- She would be allowed to take along all of her friends, who would also be traveling without parents.
- Screech would somehow be invited, despite the fact that no one in the group seems to like him.
- Somehow, their high school principal would also turn up in Hawaii at the exact same time.
- A single mother would dump her rich boyfriend for a high school junior.
- Screech would be mistaken for a Hawaiian God.
Of course, I guess some would say that we should be happy that the Gang was around to save the day but it’s hard not to notice that all of Zack’s schemes are dependent upon some terrible lie. As well, I have to wonder if it was really worth all the trouble to save Kelly’s grandfather’s hotel. I mean, maybe the guy just wasn’t a very good businessman. I would probably be annoyed if I was on vacation in Hawaii with my friends and I was told that I would be spending the entire time working because some guy who was 50 years older than me couldn’t figure out how to balance the books.
This movie apparently aired on primetime television. I wonder how viewers who didn’t know about Saved By The Bell felt when they came across it.
What Worked?
As bad as it was, it was also Saved By The Bell and, as a result, it did have some nostalgic appeal to it. After the movie aired, Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style was sold into syndication as four regular episodes of Saved By The Bell and I can still remember seeing them on whatever channel Saved By The Bell was airing on at the time and thinking to myself, “What the Hell?”
The film was shot on location so, needless to say, the scenery was lovely. Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley had a few fun moments as Slater and Jessie tried to go the entire trip without fighting. There were small pleasures to be found. Very small.
“OMG! Just like me!” Moments
When I was seventeen, I spent the summer in Hawaii with my mom and my sisters. It was a lot of fun. Though I don’t swim, I still had a lot of fun laying out on the beach. Hawaii is one of the most incredibly beautiful places that I’ve ever seen. I would sneak out at the hotel at night and then marvel at the scenery during the day. It was one of my favorite summers. Of course, I also didn’t have to spend my vacation helping a bad businessman save his resort. That helped.
Lessons Learned
Apparently, I’ll watch anything.
Back to School Part II #36: Dead Man On Campus (dir by Alan Cohn)
Oh my God, it’s Zack Morris smoking pot and getting laid!
That, in a sentence, is the main appeal of the 1998 comedy Dead Man On Campus. This is the film that features Mark-Paul Gosselaar playing a character who does everything that most Saved By The Bell fans have always assumed that Zack Morris was doing whenever he wasn’t on-screen, fooling Belding, tormenting Screech, and gazing at Kelly.
In Dead Man On Campus, Gosselaar plays Cooper Frederickson. Cooper is a college student. He spends most of his time partying and consistently fails his classes but since he’s going to a college that apparently doesn’t believe in academic suspension, it doesn’t matter. Cooper’s father continues to pay for him to go to school. To be honest, Cooper is kind of a jerk but he’s also really hot. He wears glasses and there’s just something about a bad boy with bad eyesight.
(Seriously…)
Anyway, Cooper has two roommates. Kyle (Jason Segel) is … well, he’s Jason Segel, giving another one of the somewhat odd performances that typified his film career before he co-starred with The Muppets and played David Foster Wallace. His other roommate is Josh (Tom Everett Scott). Josh starts out as a responsible and hard-working student but then he falls under Cooper’s bad influence. He also gets a girlfriend (Poppy Montgomery) and ends up having so much fun that he blows off all of his classes.
Suddenly, Josh realizes that he’s about to lose his scholarship. At the same time, Cooper’s father comes to visit and announces that he will no longer be paying for his son’s lifestyle. If Cooper flunks out of school, he’s going to end up cleaning toilets for his father’s janitorial service.
Oh no! Zack Morris cleaning a toilet!? How the mighty have fallen! I guess they’re screwed, right!?
Nope! It turns out that there’s a clause in the university charter. If a student’s roommate commits suicide during the school year, that student gets perfect grades for the semester! (I was told the same thing during my first semester at the University of North Texas.) Unfortunately, Kyle has recently moved out of the dorm and neither Cooper nor Josh are willing to die for the other.
So, they decide to get a new roommate. After breaking into the school’s student files, they identify the three students who are most likely to commit suicide. One is an aspiring singer who Cooper and Josh come to suspect might be faking his depression as a way to hit on girls. (Okay, that’s kind of clever because I know that I’ve gone out with people who I thought were dark and profound, just to discover that they were actually rather boring and bourgeois.) Another is a nerdy computer guy who has paranoid delusions about Bill Gates.
And then there’s Cliff. Cliff is actually the first potential roommate that they investigate but he also makes the biggest impression. In fact, he makes such a big impression that he ends up overshadowing everyone else in the film. Cliff is played by Lochlyn Munro, who has subsequently become one of the patron saints of the Lifetime network. (Seriously, it seems like Munro shows up on Lifetime on a daily basis.) Ripping through the film like a cyclone, Munro is definitely the highlight of Dead Man On Campus. It turns out that Cliff isn’t so much suicidal as he’s just absolutely insane and Munro goes so wonderfully over the top in the film that he briefly brings some much-needed life to this comedy about death.
Anyway, Dead Man On Campus is a pretty forgettable movie and it’s never as clever as it thinks that it is. But it does feature Mark-Paul Gosselaar taking hits off a bong and that’ll definitely make it worth seeing for some viewers.
What Lisa and Megan Watched Last Night #96: Saved By The Bell 2.9 “Jessie’s Song” (dir by Don Barnhart)
Last night, my sister Megan and I watched the classic 1990 Saved By The Bell caffeine pill episode, Jessie’s Song.
Why Were We Watching It?
I was visiting Megan and her family for the holidays, she has every episode of Saved By The Bell on DVD — seriously, how could we not end up watching it?
What Was It About?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times and things at Bayside High were pretty messed up. Self-declared genius Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was failing Geometry so she started taking caffeine pills. Then, her sociopathic friend Zack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) decided that Jessie should also launch a musical career as a member of the disturbingly generic girl group Hot Sundae. And who can blame him with all of this talent of display?
And so, Jessie started taking more and more pills. And then, this happened…
Fear not! Jessie recovered from her drug addiction in time to be featured in Johnny Dakota’s No Hope With Dope ad campaign.
What Worked?
Jessie’s Song is like The Room of Saved By The Bell episodes, 22 minutes of television that is just so wrong and oddly executed that it becomes oddly fascinating. For that reason, it’s impossible to judge this episode by standard definitions of quality.
The idea that Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie (a.k.a. Hot Sundae) could get a recording contract, the fact that Jessie ends up getting hooked on the equivalent of can of Red Bull, the fantasy sequence where Jessie imagines having to go to Surf U. because she failed Geometry, the fact that a few pills transform Jessie overnight, and the overly optimistic ending; none of it works. And, for that reason, the entire episode works.
Consider this — before I had even seen this episode, I knew that Jessie Spano ended up getting hooked on caffeine pills and singing, “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so …. SCARED!” For better or worse, this episode is a part of our culture.
On a personal note, I loved the extremely earnest way Mario Lopez delivered the line, “Hold on, Jessie — it says right here that these may be habit-forming…”
What Did Not Work?
As Megan pointed out to me, there’s a huge continuity error in this episode. Back in the glee club episode, it had been established that Kelly couldn’t sing. Now, suddenly, she’s on the verge of getting a recording contract. Was there no such thing as a consistency at Bayside? No wonder Jessie ended up addicted to drugs.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Much like Jessie Spano, I have a tendency to push myself. Whereas Jessie pushed herself to attend an Ivy League college and to try to destroy the patriarchy, I push myself to post a certain amount of film reviews each month.
For instance, earlier this year, I decided that I would post at least 120 reviews in October. And so, much like Jessie, I pushed myself and pushed myself and, when I felt like I couldn’t go on, I took every pill that I had in the medicine cabinet and then I danced around my bedroom going, “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so … scared!”
And some people though that was silly on my part but you know what? This October, the TSL posted 137 new reviews so, obviously, I was doing something right. And I’ve already decided that next year, we’re going to break all previous records. That’s right — 200 posts in October of 2014! You read it here first.
And, to think, I owe it all to caffeine.
Lessons Learned
There’s no hope with dope! Wait … no, actually, that was a different episode. In this one, I guess I learned not to abuse caffeine but I really didn’t learn that because I’ve seen this episode a few dozen times and I’m still addicted to caffeine and, for that matter, I’m still pushing myself and having trouble accepting that I can’t always be the best at everything so maybe I didn’t learn anything from this episode…
Oh wait! I did learn something. Geometry leads to drug addiction and causes you to let all of your friends down.
Seriously, geometry sucks.
(For another look at drug abuse in the 1990s, please be sure to check out my review of the California Dreams steroid episode, Tiffani’s Gold.)
My 2012 Emmy Nominations
So, for the past few days, I’ve been happily hopping around my section of the Shattered Lens Bunker and do you know why?
Because it’s awards season, that’s why! With the conclusion of the 2011-2012 TV season, Emmy ballots have been mailed and votes are being cast and, come July, we’ll know which shows and performers have been nominated for the 2012 Emmys.
Before that happens, however, I would like to play a little game called “What if Lisa Was Solely Responsible For Picking the Nominees.” Here’s how it works — I looked over and studied the complete list of the shows and performances that have been submitted this year for Emmy consideration. And then, from that list, I picked my personal nominees.
Below are my personal nominations in the major Emmy categories. Again, note that these are not necessarily the shows and performers that I believe will be nominated. Instead, these are the shows and performers that I would nominate if I was solely responsible for picking the nominees.
A complete list of my nominations in every single Emmy category can be found here. (And yes, there’s a lot of Lifetime on the list. There’s also a lot of Community.)
Best Comedy Series
Bored to Death (HBO)
Community (NBC)
Girls (HBO)
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)
Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Raising Hope (Fox)
Veep (HBO)
Best Drama Series
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Breaking Bad (AMC)
The Client List (Lifetime)
Downton Abbey (PBS)
Game of Thrones (HBO)
Homeland (Showtime)
Pan Am (ABC)
Ringer (The CW)
True Blood (HBO)
The Walking Dead (AMC)
Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
Blue-Eyed Butcher (Lifetime)
Cyberbully (ABC Family)
Drew Peterson: Untouchable (Lifetime)
Five (Lifetime)
Girl Fight (Lifetime)
Hatfields & McCoys (History Channel)
The Hour (BBC America)
Of Two Minds (Lifetime)
Outstanding Variety Series
Conan (TBS)
Fashion Police (E)
Key and Peele (Comedy Central)
The Soup (E)
Tosh .O (Comedy Central)
Outstanding Variety Special
Betty White’s 90th Birthday Party (NBC)
Celtic Women: Believe (PBS)
The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen (Comedy Central)
TV Land Awards (TV Land)
Wendy Liebman: Taller on TV (Showtime)
Outstanding Nonfiction Special
Bobby Fischer Against The World (HBO)
Catholicism: Amazed and Afraid (PBS)
Crime After Crime (OWN)
God Is The Bigger Elvis (HBO)
6 Days To Air: The Making of South Park (Comedy Central)
Outstanding Nonfiction Series
America in Primetime (PBS)
American Masters (PBS)
America’s Most Wanted (Lifetime)
Beyond Scared Straight (A&E)
Inside Story (Biography)
Outstanding Reality Program
Antiques Roadshow (PBS)
Dance Moms (Lifetime)
Kitchen Nightmares (Fox)
Scouted (E)
Storage Wars (A&E)
Outstanding Reality-Competition Program
The Amazing Race (CBS)
The Bachelor (ABC)
Big Brother (CBS)
The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC)
Hell’s Kitchen (Fox)
Project Runway (Lifetime)
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox)
Survivor (CBS)
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
Johnny Galecki in The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
Danny McBride in Eastbound and Down (HBO)
Joel McHale in Community (NBC)
Lucas Neff in Raising Hope (Fox)
Jason Schwartzman in Bored To Death (HBO)
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama
Steve Buscemi in Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad (AMC)
Jeffrey Donavon in Burn Notice (USA)
Damian Lewis in Homeland (Showtime)
Andrew Lincoln in The Walking Dead (AMC)
Timothy Olyphant in Justified (FX)
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries or Movie
Idris Elba in Luther (BBC America)
Rob Lowe in Drew Peterson: Untouchable (Lifetime)
Steven Weber in Duke (Hallmark Movie Channel)
Dominic West in The Hour (BBC America)
Ben Whishaw in The Hour (BBC America)
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy
Zooey Deschanel in New Girl (Fox)
Lena Dunham in Girls (HBO)
Tina Fey in 30 Rock (NBC)
Julia Louis Dreyfuss in Veep (HBO)
Mary-Louis Parker in Weeds (Showtime)
Martha Plimpton in Raising Hope (Fox)
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama
Claire Danes in Homeland (Showtime)
Sarah Michelle Gellar in Ringer (The CW)
Jennifer Love Hewitt in The Client List (Lifetime)
Julianna Margulies in The Good Wife (CBS)
Elizabeth McGovern in Downton Abbey (PBS)
Anna Paquin in True Blood (HBO)
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries or Movie
Kristin Davis in Of Two Minds (Lifetime)
Anne Heche in Girl Fight (Lifetime)
Rose McGowan in The Pastor’s Wife (Lifetime)
Emily Osment in Cyberbully (ABC Family)
Sara Paxton in Blue Eyed Butcher (Lifetime)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Charlie Day in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FX)
Danny DeVito in It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (FX)
Donald Glover in Community (NBC)
Nick Offerman in Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Danny Pudi in Community (NBC)
Matt Walsh in Veep (HBO)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama
Bruce Campbell in Burn Notice (USA)
Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones (HBO)
Giancarlo Espositto in Breaking Bad (AMC)
Michael Pitt in Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Michael Shannon in Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Alexander Skarsgard in True Blood (HBO)
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries or Movie
Powers Boothe in Hatfields and McCoys (History Channel)
Justin Bruening in Blue-Eyed Butcher (Lifetime)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar in Hide (TNT)
Sir Roger Moore in A Princess For Christmas (Hallmark Movie Channel)
Tony Shalhoub in Five (Lifetime)
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy
Alison Brie in Community (NBC)
Kristen Chenoweth in GCB (ABC)
Anna Chlumsky in Veep (HBO)
Gillian Jacobs in Community (NBC)
Cloris Leachman in Raising Hope (Fox)
Aubrey Plaza in Parks and Recreation (NBC)
Outstanding Supporting Actress in Drama
Christine Baranski in The Good Wife (CBS)
Kristen Bauer Von Straten in True Blood (HBO)
Kelly MacDonald in Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Christina Ricci in Pan Am (ABC)
Sophia Turner in Game of Thrones (HBO)
Deborah Ann Woll in True Blood (HBO)
Supporting Actress In A Miniseries or Movie
Tammy Blanchard in Of Two Minds (Lifetime)
Kaley Cuoco in Drew Peterson: Untouchable (Lifetime)
Lisa Edelstein in Blue-Eyed Butcher (Lifetime)
Jessica Lange in American Horror Story (FX)
Jena Malone in Hatfields and McCoy (History Channel)
Through the Shattered Lens 