Film Review: Shotgun Wedding (dir by Jason Moore)


A mildly amusing mix of romance, comedy, and action, Shotgun Wedding tells the story of Tom (Josh Duhamel) and Darcy (Jennifer Lopez).

Tom is a washed-up baseball player.  Darcy is …. well, I’m not sure if the film ever really made clear what exactly Darcy does for a living.  She comes from a wealthy family and she previously worked with the Peace Corps in Bali.  After dating for four years, Tom and Darcy are finally getting married.  Darcy wanted to have a simple wedding.  Tom, however, becomes a groomzilla and plans an elaborate ceremony on a remote island resort.  Sure, the island has occasionally been targeted by pirates but the owners of resort assure Tom that it probably won’t happen again.

The night before the wedding is fraught with drama.  Darcy’s mother (Sonia Braga) is not happy that her ex-husband (Cheech Marin) has brought his new agey girlfriend (D’Arcy Carden) to the wedding.  Tom’s mother (Jennifer Coolidge) insists that Tom and Darcy not sleep together the night before the ceremony.  Meanwhile, Tom’s father (Steve Coulter, a genuinely funny actor) wanders about with an old school camcorder, recording everything.  Darcy’s sister (Callie Hernandez) hooks up with one of Tom’s friends (Desmin Borges).  Finally, Sean Hawkins (Lenny Kravitz) makes a dramatic entrance, even though he wasn’t exactly invited to the wedding.  Sean was Darcy’s ex-fiancé, the man that she nearly married before she met Tom.  Everyone loves Sean.  When morning comes around, Tom and Darcy aren’t even sure they still want to get married.

That’s when the pirates show up.

Because Tom and Darcy were busy arguing, they weren’t present when the pirates took the rest of the wedding party hostage.  Now, Tom and Darcy have to make their way through the jungle so that they can defeat the pirates, save the hostages, and work on their relationship problems.  Along the way, both Tom and Darcy will discover that they’re capable of doing things that they never would have thought possible, like killing pirates.

Shotgun Wedding feels a bit like a throw back.  It’s very easy to imagine Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Aniston or Sandra Bullock (or maybe even Jennifer Lopez) starring in this film in 2003, playing Darcy opposite someone like Ron Livingston, Owen Wilson, or Greg Kinnear.  That’s not meant to be a complaint.  There’s actually something rather pleasant about the film’s somewhat quaint approach to its story.  Much like last year’s Marry Me, it feels like a throw back to a simpler time when everyone was willing to accept that there was no need for ambiguity when it came to portraying gun-toting pirates as being the bad guys.

Unlike Marry Me, in which Owen Wilson was able to hold his own opposite his glamourous co-star, Shotgun Wedding is pretty much dominated by Jennifer Lopez.  Josh Duhamel has his moments as the not terribly bright Tom but significantly, those moments almost all occur while Darcy and Tom are separated.  Indeed, much as how the studios used to pair Golden Age divas with forgettable leading men, it sometimes feel as if Duhamel was specifically cast because there was no danger of him taking the attention away from the movie’s main star.  This is a film that was pretty much designed to show off Jennifer Lopez.  With every scene, one can hear the movie whispering, “Isn’t she still funny?  Doesn’t she still look good?”  Fortunately, Jennifer Lopez is still funny and yes, she does still look good.  Even more importantly, she’s more than capable of carrying a film like this and she delivers her lines with just the right amount of comedic exasperation.  A running joke about how much she hates her wedding dress pays off in an unexpected way and the scenes in which Darcy confronts her fear of the sight of blood are enjoyably over-the-top.  For someone who was once frequently been portrayed as being a diva in the tabloids. Lopez has always had a down-to-Earth screen presence and a talent for physical comedy.  At their best, both this film and Jennifer Lopez are enjoyably silly.

Unfortunately, the film itself starts drag after the first hour and the film’s humor starts to wear thin.  There’s only so many times you can listen to someone say something stupid while a pirate points a gun in their face before the joke starts to get stale.  I still laughed at quite a few of the lines.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s an amusing film.  But it’s not a particularly memorable one.  It’s the type of movie that mildly entertains you for 100 minutes and then it quickly leaves your mind afterwards.  In many ways, it’s ideal for the streaming era.  If you left the house and paid money to sit in a theater and watch the film with a bunch of strangers, you might be more likely to get annoyed at how slight the film is.  But, when watched in the safety of your own home, it’s a perfectly pleasant experience.

Scenes I Love: “Print The Legend” From The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance


The legendary director John Ford was born 129 years ago today, in Maine.  As I sit here writing this, you can go see The Fabelmans, which ends with a scene in which a young Steven Spielberg (or Sammy Fabelman, whatever) meets John Ford (played by David Lynch).  The meeting is based on a meeting that a young Spielberg actually had with Ford shortly before Ford’s death in 1971.

However, long before John Ford met Steven Spielberg, he directed one of my favorite films, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.  Today’s scene that I love comes from the end of that 1962 film and it features a line that would become a classic.  “Print the legend.”  That was a line that Ford understood and I imagine it’s one that Spielberg eventually came to understand as well.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.23 “Musical Cabins”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Let’s hear it for life’s sweetest reward!

Episode 1.23 “Musical Cabins”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on May 6th, 1978)

This week’s episode of The Love Boat opened with …. a commercial!

Actually, if you’re watching the show on Paramount Plus like me, every episode opens with a commercial and occasionally the commercial freezes and you have to start all over again.  This week, though, was significant because it was a new commercial from Pfizer.  The commercial opened with P!nk holding a rubber germ.

“If I was holding COVID-19,” P!nk says, “I would be in trouble …. because I have asthma.”

Plus, she would be in trouble because that’s the biggest goddamn germ I’ve ever seen.  Don’t get me wrong.  I have asthma too and I am more than aware of the dangers of getting an aggressive respiratory illness.  But I’m just not sure that having a bunch of celebrities passing around a big rubber germ is the best way to advertise the vaccine.  As soon as P!nk threw the germ at Michael Phelps and ?uestlove, the commercial started to lose me.  It felt cheap, like one of those ICDC commercials that Master P forced Romeo Miller to do.  Don’t throw germs at your friends.

Speaking of which, this week’s episode of The Love Boat is all about friendships and relationships.  Ms. O’Roarke (Marica Wallace) is a gossip reporter who has heard that the Pacific Princess is a notorious hotbed of lust and hedonism on the high seas.  She books a ticket and then sneaks around the boat with her notepad, watching as people go in and out of different cabins.  She thinks that she’s uncovering evidence of an orgy on the high seas but actually, she’s just witnessing a bunch of misunderstandings.

For instance, Didi (Barbara Rhoades) is so disgusted by Curt (Dick Gautier), her chauvinistic boyfriend, that she refuses to stay in their cabin.  When Gopher informs her that the cruise is sold out and there are no other cabins available, Doc immediately volunteers his cabin.  Judging from the look on Gopher’s face, he’s just about had it with Doc hitting on every single passenger on the boat.  An HR report is about to be filed.

Doc, for his part, assumes that Didi is looking for more than just a place to sleep.  Being the swinger that he is, Doc slips into his pajamas and offers to help Didi unwind.

Didi is scandalized and kicks Doc out of his own cabin.  Doc ends up asking Julie if he can crash in her cabin.  Julie agrees but then wonders why Doc has never tried to hit on her.  Doc replies that he thinks of Julie as being a “kid sister.”

Wrong answer, Doc!

Fortunately, Julie is soon approached by Nelson Hoag (Paul Williams), who has been asking every woman on the cruise if she’ll consider marrying him.  Everyone turns Nelson down but what they don’t know is that Nelson is going to inherit a good deal of money but only if he gets married before his next birthday!

Julie and Nelson spend the night talking and Julie is actually charmed by Nelson.  However, just as she learns in to kiss him, Gopher shows up and puts the kibosh on it.  Gopher is going to have a lot of HR reports to write.

Since Doc is sleeping in her cabin, Julie ends up staying in Nelson’s cabin.  Meanwhile, Nelson meets Irene (Michele Lee), a widow who is pretending to be an heiress.  Irene allows Nelson to stay in her cabin and then she spends some time with an entirely smitten Captain Stubing.  Is anyone on the boat actually doing their job?

Eventually, as O’Roarke hides behind the corner and takes notes, everyone meets in one cabin to work out their feelings.  Curt wants Didi back but Didi actually prefers the company of the gentle Nelson.  For her part, Irene likes men who take what they want and say whatever pops into their mind and that certainly describes Curt.  By the end of the cruise, Julie and Doc are friends again, Didi is married to Nelson, and Irene is dating Curt.  And O’Roarke realizes that she doesn’t have a story so she tears up all of her notes.

Usually, I can’t stand shows (or movies) where the plot hinges on a series of misunderstandings that could all easily be cleared up by people just not being stupid but I actually found this episode of The Love Boat to be rather charming, as the show made good use of the cast’s natural chemistry and the guest stars actually brought some much needed emotional depth to characters who were otherwise rather thinly written.  Yes, Nelson was a little weirdo but, oddly, he and Didi made for a really sweet couple.  Add to that Michele Lee brought a sense of genuine sadness to her role as the lonely widow.  Watching the show, I found myself hoping that things would work out for her and they did!

Yay!

I hope next week is this good!

Here Are The 2022 Eddie Nominations!


The American Cinema Editors have announced their nominations for the Eddie Awards, which will celebrate the best in film editing for 2022. The winners will be announced March 5th, 2023.

I’m not really sure why any organization would wait until after the Oscar nominations to announce their own nominations but whatever.  There’s no need to be judgey, right?  Here are the nominees!

BEST EDITED FEATURE FILM (Drama, Theatrical)
All Quiet on the Western Front – Sven Budelmann, BFS
Elvis – Matt Villa, ACE ASE & Jonathan Redmond
Tár – Monika Willi
Top Gun: Maverick – Eddie Hamilton, ACE
The Woman King – Terilyn A. Shropshire, ACE

BEST EDITED FEATURE FILM (Comedy, Theatrical)
The Banshees of Inisherin – Mikkel E.G. Nielsen, ACE
Everything Everywhere All at Once – Paul Rogers
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery – Bob Ducsay, ACE
The Menu – Christopher Tellefsen, ACE
Triangle of Sadness – Ruben Östlund & Mikel Cee Karlsson

BEST EDITED ANIMATED FEATURE FILM (Theatrical or Non-Theatrical)
The Bad Guys – John Venzon, ACE
Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio – Ken Schretzmann, ACE & Holly Klein
Marcel the Shell with Shoes On – Dean Fleischer-Camp & Nick Paley
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish – James Ryan, ACE
Turning Red – Nicholas C. Smith, ACE

BEST EDITED DOCUMENTARY (Theatrical)
All the Beauty and the Bloodshed – Amy Foote, Joe Bini & Brian A. Kates, ACE
Fire of Love – Erin Casper & Jocelyne Chaput
Good Night Oppy – Helen Kearns, ACE & Rejh Cabrera
Moonage Daydream – Brett Morgen
Navalny – Langdon Page & Maya Hawke

BEST EDITED DOCUMENTARY (Non-Theatrical)
The Andy Warhol Diaries: “Collab: Andy & Basquiat” – Steve Ross
George Carlin’s American Dream – Joe Beshenkovsky, ACE
The Last Movie Stars: “Luck is an Art” – Barry Poltermann
Lucy and Desi – Robert A. Martinez
Pelosi in the House – Geof Bartz, ACE

BEST EDITED MULTI-CAMERA COMEDY SERIES
The Conners: “Of Missing Minds and Missing Fries” – Brian Schnuckel, ACE
How I Met Your Father: “Timing Is Everything” – Susan Federman, ACE
The Neighborhood: “Welcome to the Art of Negotiation” – Chris Poulos

BEST EDITED SINGLE CAMERA COMEDY SERIES
Atlanta: “Andrew Wyeth. Alfred’s World.” – Kyle Reiter, ACE & Isaac Hagy, ACE
Barry: “710N” – Franky Guttman
Barry: “Starting Now” – Ali Greer
The Bear: “System” – Joanna Naugle
Only Murders in the Building: “I Know Who Did It” – Shelly Westerman, ACE & Payton Koch

BEST EDITED DRAMA SERIES
Andor: “One Way Out” – Simon Smith
Euphoria: “Stand Still Like the Hummingbird” – Aaron I. Butler, ACE & Julio Perez IV, ACE
Euphoria: “The Theater and Its Double” – Laura Zempel, Julio Perez IV, ACE & Nikola Boyanov
Severance: “In Perpetuity” – Geoffrey Richman, ACE & Erica Freed Marker, ACE
Severance: “The We We Are” – Geoffrey Richman, ACE

BEST EDITED FEATURE FILM (NON-THEATRICAL)
Fire Island – Brian A. Kates, ACE
Hocus Pocus 2 – Julia Wong, ACE
A Jazzman’s Blues – Maysie Hoy, ACE
Prey – Angela M. Catanzaro, ACE & Claudia Castello
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story – Jamie Kennedy

BEST EDITED LIMITED SERIES
Gaslit: “Year of the Rat” – Joe Leonard, ACE
Obi-Wan Kenobi: “Part VI” – Kelley Dixon, ACE & Josh Earl, ACE
Station Eleven: “Unbroken Circle” – Anna Hauger, ACE, David Eisenberg, Yoni Reiss & Anthony McAfee
The White Lotus: “Abduction” – Heather Persons, ACE
The White Lotus: “Arrivederci” – John M. Valerio ACE

BEST EDITED NON-SCRIPTED SERIES
Deadliest Catch: “Sailor’s Delight” – Isaiah Camp, ACE, Joe Mikan, ACE & Alexander Rubinow, ACE
Formula 1: Drive to Survive: “Hard Racing” – Cassie Bennitt, Matt Rudge, Duncan Moir, Nic Zimmermann, Jack Foxton & Neil Clarkson
Vice: “Killing for Success & Marcos Returns” – Paula Salhany, Brandon Kieffer, Andrew Pattison. Catherine Lee & Victoria Lesiw

BEST EDITED VARIETY TALK/SKETCH SHOW OR SPECIAL
A Black Lady Sketch Show: “Save My Edges, I’m A Donor!” – Stephanie Filo, ACE, Bradinn French, Taylor Mason & S. Robyn Wilson
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: “Police Interrogations” – Anthony Miale, ACE & Ryan Barger
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction with David Letterman: “Volodymyr Zelenskyy Special” – Cori Wapnowska & Jon Higgins

BEST EDITED ANIMATED SERIES
Big Mouth: “Dadda Dia!” – Felipe Salazar
Bob’s Burgers: “Some Like It Bot Part 1: Eighth Grade Runner” – Jeremy Reuben, ACE
Love, Death & Robots: “Bad Travelling” – Kirk Baxter, ACE

ANNE V. COATES AWARD FOR STUDENT EDITING
Adriana Guevara – New York University
Jazmin Jamias – American Film Institute
Tianze Sun – American Film Institute

 

2022 In Review: Lisa Marie’s Favorite Novels


Again, as with my non-fiction list, I just wish I had read more last year.  Fortunately, this year, I plan to do just that!

  1. The It Girl by Ruth Ware
  2. The Paris Apartment by Lucy Foley
  3. Tracy Flick Can’t Win by Tom Perotta
  4. The Maid by Nita Prose
  5. The Hacienda by Isabel Canas
  6. Heat 2 by Meg Gardiner and Michael Mann
  7. A Flicker in the Dark by Stacy Willingham
  8. House of Hunger by Alexis Henderson
  9. Electric Idol by Katee Robert
  10. It Starts With Us by Colleen Hoover

Be sure to check out my picks for 2021, 202020192018201720162015201420132012, and 2011!

Lisa Marie’s 2022 In Review:

  1. 16 Worst Movies
  2. 10 Favorite Songs
  3. 10 Top Non-Fiction Books

2022 In Review: Lisa Marie’s Top 10 Non-Fiction Books


As always, I wish I had read more.  Hopefully, that’s something that I’ll accomplish in 2023!

Be sure to check out my previous picks for 2021, 2020201920182017201620152014, and 2013

  1. American Demon: Eliot Ness and the Hunt for America’s Jack the Ripper by Daniel Stashower
  2. Gangsters vs Nazis by Michael Benson
  3. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin by Brian Baumgartner and Ben Silverman
  4. Blood, Sweat & Chrome: The Wild and True Story of Mad Max: Fury Road by Kyle Buchanan
  5. Mean Baby by Selma Blair
  6. Cimino: The Deer Hunter, Heaven’s Gate, and the Price of Ambition by Charles Elton
  7. The Book of Broadway Musical Debates, Disputes, and Disagreements by Peter Filichia
  8. The Office BFFs: Tales of the Office From Two Best Friends Who Were There by Jenna Fischer and Angela Kinsey
  9. Everybody Thought We Were Crazy by Mark Rozzo
  10. Godzilla: The Official Guide to the King of the Monsters by Graham Skipper

Lisa Marie’s 2022 In Review:

  1. 16 Worst Movies
  2. 10 Favorite Songs

2022 In Review: Lisa Marie’s 10 Favorite Songs of 2022


As I point out every January, these are my ten favorite songs of the previous year.  Other people who have written for TSL over the years may have very different favorite songs of the year.  In fact, check out Necromoonyeti’s list of his 35 top albums!

Anyway, here are my ten favorite songs of the previous year.  For the most part, my musical tastes tend to run the gamut from EDM to More EDM.  That said, I think there’s perhaps a bit of variety to this year’s list as opposed to previous years.  Or maybe not.  Who knows?  I’m typing this up at one in the morning so, to be honest, I’m lucky that I can even keep straight which year I’m writing about.

Also be sure to check out my favorite songs of (deep breath) 2021, 202020192018201720162015201420132012, and 2011!

10. My Mind and Me by Selena Gomez

9. Beg For You by Charli XCX, feat. Rina Sawayama

8. Compliance by Muse

7. When I’m Gone by Alesso and Katy Perry

6. Let Somebody Go by Coldplay and Selena Gomez

5. One More Time by Armin van Buuren feat. Maia Wright

4. Kill or Be Killed by Muse

3. Limitless by Martin Garrix & Mesto

2. Lost Track by HAIM

1. Monica Lewinsky by Upsahl

Lisa Marie’s 2022 In Review:

  1. Lisa Marie’s Picks For The 16 Worst Films of 2022

Lisa Marie’s Picks For The 16 Worst Films of 2022


Well, it’s nearly February so I guess it’s time for me to start listing my picks for the best and the worst of 2022.

It’s pretty much a tradition here at the Shattered Lens that I always end up running behind as far as posting these lists are concerned.  I always think that I’m going to have everything ready to go during the first week of January but then I realize that there’s still a host of movies that I need to see before I can, in good conscience, post any sort of list.  Fortunately, I think I’ve finally reached where I can start posting lists.  Add to that, as I said at the start of this post, it’s nearly February!

Below, you’ll find my picks for the 16 worst films of 2022.  Why 16 films?  Because Lisa doesn’t do odd numbers!

In the end, of course, this list is my opinion.  You’re free to agree or disagree.  That’s the wonderful thing about having an opinion.

(Also be sure to check out my picks for 2021, 2020, 201920182017201620152014201320122011, and 2010!)

16. Glass Onion (dir by Rian Johnson) — I realize that, by even including Glass Onion on this list, I’m going out on a limb here.  A lot of people who I respect really enjoyed this film.  Several of my friends have it on their best of the year lists.  And that’s fine!  The film just didn’t work for me and it often seemed a bit too amused with itself.  That said, what really pushed me over the edge was what happened to the Mona Lisa.  If that hadn’t happened, this film would probably be ranked in the middle of the 129 films that are eligible for this year’s worst and best lists.

15. The Fallout (dir by Megan Park) — The Fallout dealt with an important subject and it had some good performances but it was just a bit too overwritten and predictable for me.  Plus, the film opened with someone making a really messy peanut butter sandwich and that totally grossed me out.  Jenna Ortega is still destined to be a star, though.

14. Studio 666 (dir by BJ McDonnell) — I wasn’t particularly harsh in my initial review of Studio 666 but, the more I think about it, the more dissatisfied I am with the film.  This is one of those films where the people making it definitely had more fun than the people who watched it.  I still respect the Foo Fighters for doing something for their fans and Dave Grohl seems to be about as likable and goofy as a rock star can be.  But the film itself ultimately feels a bit lazy,

13. A Day To Die (dir by Wes Miller) — This bland action film got some attention because it was one of the many films featuring Bruce Willis to be released this year.  Unfortunately, this one was just boring.  Willis and co-star Kevin Dillion were both seen to better effect in Wire Room.

12. The Princess (dir by Le-Van Kiet) — This cheap-looking film had a lot of action but not much characterization.  The film was so busy patting itself on the back for celebrating girl power that it didn’t seem to have noticed that the girl at the center of the film was seriously underwritten.

11. The Bubble (dir by Judd Apatow) — This oddly mean-spirited satire was Judd Apatow at his most self-indulgent and undisciplined.  The film’s smug attitude made it a real chore to sit through.

10. Fortress: Sniper’s Eye (dir by Josh Sternfeld) — This rather pointless action film was among the many films in which Bruce Willis appeared this year.  Willis spends most of the film offscreen while Jesse Metcalfe and Chad Michael Murray play two enemies who are trying to kill each other because of …. reasons, I guess.  Instead of watching this film, check out Willis in White Elephant, an entertaining film in which he plays a crime boss who goes to war with Michael Rooker.

9. Hellraiser (dir by David Buckner) — Blandly directed and poorly acted, this was a pointless reboot of the Hellraiser series, with Jamie Clayton proving to be a forgettable replacement for Doug Bradley.

8. American Siege (dir by Edward Drake) — This was undoubtedly the worst of Bruce Willis’s 2022 films, with a silly plot and Willis cast as an alcoholic police chief who has to decide whether or not to stand up to the richest man in town.  That said, Edward Drake also directed in Bruce Willis in Gasoline Alley, an excellent modern-day noir that featured a great lead performance from Devon Sawa and which gave Willis a decent role.  Instead of seeing American Siege, track down Gasoline Alley.

7. Windfall (dir by Charlie McDowell) — Jason Segel, Jesse Plemons, Lily Collins, and Charlie McDowell are all undoubtedly talented but this hostage melodrama goes nowhere unexpected.  Like a lot of hostage dramas, it becomes a bit of a drag as all of the expected mental games are played.  The attempt at social commentary falls flat.

6. Morbius (dir by Daniel Espinosa) — I started this film in October and didn’t bother to finish it until January.  Jared Leto seems to be taking the whole thing just a bit too seriously.  I still think it’s funny that a bunch of twitter trolls tricked Sony into re-releasing this thing so that it could flop twice.

5. Amsterdam (dir by David O. Russell) — Overlong and self-indulgent, Amsterdam features all of David O. Russell’s storytelling flaws without many of his strength.  To be honest, this film lost me as soon as the cutesy “This is based on an almost true story” flashed across the screen.  Amsterdam thinks that it’s considerably more clever than it is.  Taylor Swift, for all of her other talents, is not a particularly interesting actress.  Christian Bale gave the type of terrible performance that can only be delivered by someone with a lot of talent but not much of an attention span.  John David Washington was as bland as ever.  The anti-FDR Businessman’s Plot is not as obscure or unknown as this film seems to think that it is.

4. Blonde (dir by Andrew Dominik) — Andrew Dominik gives us yet another incredibly pretentious film that doesn’t seem to have much of a point beyond rubbing the audience’s face in how depressing life can be.  For all the effort that this film takes to recreate the life of Marilyn Monroe, the film doesn’t really seem to have much respect for her or even really like her that much.  Indeed, the film takes an almost perverse joy in detailing every tragedy that she suffered but it never displays much empathy for her suffering.  Never does the film see fit to really acknowledge her as a talented actress who was reportedly far more intelligent and well-read than most people realized.  People should be far more upset over Ana de Armas’s Oscar nomination than Andrea Riseborough’s.

3. The Sky is Everywhere (dir by Josephine Decker) — Ugh.  This film was unbearably twee.

2. Halloween Ends (dir by David Gordon Green) — In the past, I’ve liked quite a few of David Gordon Green’s films.  But I have to admit that I’ve disliked his Halloween films so much that it’s actually made me start to dislike his past movies as well.  There’s just something incredibly smug about Green’s approach to the films, as if he wants to make sure that we all understand that he’s better than the average horror director.  The thought of Green redoing The Exorcist…. bleh!  Anyway, Halloween Ends is a Halloween film that barely features Michael Myers.  The ending, with the somber march to the auto yard, was the most unintentionally funny thing that I’ve seen this year.  Can someone please tell David Gordon Green to get back to making films like Joe?

1. After Ever Happy (dir by Castille Landon) — The saga of the world’s most boring lovers continues.  Will these films never end!?

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.7 “Let the Good Times Roll/Nightmare/The Tiger”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we’ve got a special, 90-minute episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.7 “Let the Good Times Roll/Nightmare/The Tiger”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on November 4th, 1978)

This week’s supersized episode of Fantasy Island begins with Tattoo revealing that he’s come up with a new way to annoy Mr. Roarke.

Mr, Roarke rolls his eyes and dramatically sighs, especially when Tattoo makes the mistake of assuming that Roarke is a Pisces.  (“I am a Sagittarius!” Roarke snaps.)  For once, Mr. Roarke is right to be annoyed.  There’s no time for this foolishness this week!  We’ve got three fantasies to deal with!

For instance, Duke Manducci (Paul Sand) and Ernie “Smooth” Kowalski (Peter Isacksen) want to go back to the 1960s and relive their youth.  Duke was once known as the King of the Strip because he could outrace anyone.  Now, years later, Duke is just a guy working in a garage.  Roarke leads them to an exact recreation of the Strip.  The Strip is so perfectly recreated that even Donny Bonaduce shows up to make trouble.

Uh-oh, it turns out that Mr. Roarke has also invited all of Duke’s old friends to come take part in Duke’s fantasy.  Except, of course, none of them know that Duke is still working at the same gas station that he worked at as a teenager.  Duke ends up telling a lot of lies in order to convince them that he’s made a success of himself.   But when he falls for Sheila Crane (Mary Ann Mobley), he realizes that it’s time to be honest.  And when Bonaduce challenges him to a race, Duke eventually realizes that his racing days are over and it’s time for him to be a grown-up.  Duke not only learns an important lesson but he’s also offered a job working on a NASCAR pit crew.  Yay!

Meanwhile, Janine Sanford (Pamela Franklin) is haunted by a recurring nightmare.  She always has the dream at midnight and she’s never made it to the end of the dream without waking up.  She travels to Fantasy Island with her husband (Brett Halsey, who later starred in Fulci’s Touch of Death) and her father (Ray Milland).  Her fantasy is see how her nightmare ends.  Mr. Roarke takes her to what he calls the Nightmare House.

And, oh my God, this nightmare is seriously freaky!  We see it twice.  It involves Janine watching as all of her childhood toys catch on fire.  There’s even a clown that comes to life and go crazy at one point.

Janine’s father is convinced that the dream is linked to some sort of past trauma and he fears that Janine will be hurt if she relives it. 

It turns out the joke’s on him!  Janine’s nightmare is not about the past but the future.  It turns out that it was warning her that her father was going to be trapped in a fire.  When her father is indeed trapped in a fire, Janine is able to rescue him.  Yay!  What a great fantasy and I love a happy ending.  This fantasy is handled so well that it takes a while to realize that the show just kind of dropped the whole idea of Janine suffering from past trauma, despite the fact that her father seemed really worried about what she might end up remembering.  

Finally, for our third fantasy, Victor Duncan (Darren McGavin) is a Hemingwayesque writer who wants to go to India so he can hunt a legendary tiger.  How do you think that works out for him?

Yep, the tiger kills him.

Fear not, though!  Mr. Roarke explains to Tattoo that Victor was actually terminally ill and his fantasy was to die on Fantasy Island.  So, I guess that’s a happy ending.

I actually liked this episode, if just because it was throwback to season one when all of the fantasies were linked by a common theme.  Here the link is aging and growing up.  Duke and Victor both have to deal with the fact that they’re no longer young men.  Janine manages to put her nightmare behind her and move on.  These three fantasies all seemed to belong together, so there were none of the strange tonal shifts that I’ve noticed in some of the other episodes.  All in all, this was a good trip to Fantasy Island.