Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.13 “My Brother’s Killer”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

Episode 1.13 “My Brother’s Killer”

(Dir by Stuart Rosenberg, originally aired on January 6th, 1958)

Anne (Barbara Barrie) goes to the police because her boyfriend, Victor Bernard (Bernard Kates), has been acting strangely and refuses to let her into his apartment.  At first, the police point out that there’s nothing they can do about this but then Casey, in what can only be described as a miraculous feat of deductive reasoning, guesses that Victor Bernard’s last name might have originally been Bernardino and he might be the brother of wanted robber, Frank Bernardino.

A look at a picture of Victor reveals that he does look a lot like Frank.  However, as Casey discovers when she goes over to Victor’s apartment, Frank is dead.  But his partner, Hal Bishop (Sy Travers), is still alive.  Hal promptly takes Casey and Victor hostage and heads for the Canadian border.

Once you accept that Casey’s miracle hunch (and, seriously, it takes some effort), this is an intense episode.  I’m not really a fan of shows in which people are held hostage — the confined narrative tends to get tedious pretty quickly — but this episode featured a typically good performance from Beverly Garland and an absolutely terrifying one from Sy Travers.  It also features what seems like a surprising amount of violence for a 1950s television show.  Imagine gathering the family in front of the television in 1958 and being immediately confronted by Sy Travers as Hal Bishop pointing a gun at an innocent man’s head and pulling the trigger.  A lot of people get shot over the course of this episode, including Hal Bishop himself.  Casey survives but there are no smiles or celebrations.  There’s just the weary look of someone who has been confronted with the worst that humanity has to offer.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.6 “The Unkindest Cut”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

Yay!  Training camp is over!

Episode 2.6 “The Unkindest Cut”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 29th, 1986)

When arrogant quarterback Johnny Valentine refuses to enter drug rehab, Diana reacts by having him traded to Buffalo.  Johnny may be a superstar but he won’t be playing for the Bulls.  That means that Yinessa, the player who nearly kicked off the team twice, is now the starting quarterback.  Yinessa also makes up with his girlfriend (Katherine Kelly Lang) so I guess he’s having a good week.

Bubba has to lose five pounds to retain his starting position.  When he goes in to be weighed, it appears that he’s only lost four pounds.  Bubba quickly takes off his gold watch and he makes weight!  Good for Bubba, I guess.

Finally, Rick Lampert (Marcus Allen) shows up at training camp is given a number 32 jersey by T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson).  Lampert’s like, This is your number.  Parker replies that the number now belongs to Lampert.  Awwww!  In the role of T.D. Parker, O.J. Simpson has a way of slashing his way to the heart of the matter,

Training camp finally ended with this episode and I’m glad about that because those training camp episodes were getting really dull.  I have to be honest, though.  We’re halfway through the second season and I still don’t feel like I know any of these characters.  Donald Gibb occasionally makes me laugh as Dr. Death.  And, as T.D. Parker, OJ Simpson seems like a really nice guy.  Otherwise, though, this show feels oddly hollow.  Of course, that may be because I’m watching the syndicated version, which apparently edited out a lot of nudity and bad behavior on the part of the players.

Oh well.  Let’s see how the team does!  This episode ends with Diana saying she wants to win a championship.  Does Yinessa have it in him to lead the team with victory?  With OJ Simpson as his coach, he better!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.27 and 28 “Country Music Jamboree”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat goes a little bit country.

Episodes 6.27 and 6.28 “Country Music Jamboree”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 30th, 1983)

It’s the special, two-hour country music cruise!

I have to admit that I lost interest in this episode as soon as I saw the banner in the Love Boat lobby that read “County Music Jamboree.”  Country music’s not my thing.  I lost even more interest when Florence Henderson showed up as country singer Annabelle Folker.  Florence Henderson was a frequent guest on both Fantasy Island and The Love Boat and I can’t think of a single time that I was ever happy to see her name in the credits.  Whenever she appeared, she almost always seemed like she was trying too hard.  Her performances always brought to mind dinner theater and holiday special guest spots.

Annabelle was traveling with her boyfriend (Bert Convy) and the three orphans (Michael Evans, Angela Lee Sloan, and Neil Billingsley) that she was planning on adopting.  The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t want to adopt the kids.  But then, he changed his mind because the show was nearly over and the storyline needed a happy ending.  Seriously, the kids were obnoxious as Hell.

While that went on, singer Holly Hartmann (Jessica Walter) was upset to discover that her husband (Mel Tillis) was secretly writing songs for an up-and-coming singer named C.G. Thomas (Tanya Tucker).  Holly was not happy when she found out but then she sang Stand By Your Man and that solved everything.

The Love Boat chef (Pat Buttram) was upset that his kitchen implements kept disappearing.  That’s because Isaac, Doc, Gopher, and Julie were stealing them so that they could form a country-western band.  Meanwhile, two fat people (Kenny Price and Lulu Roman)  boarded the boat and never stopped eating.

(Don’t give me that look, I didn’t write the script.)

Effie Skaggs (Minnie Pearl) sold homemade elixirs from her cabin while Doc attempted to romance her granddaughter (Misty Rowe).  When Effie got sick, she refused to accept any of Doc’s strange modern medicine.  No antibiotics for Effie Skaggs!

Jeannie Davis (Beth Howland) feared that her husband (Steve Kanaly) would learn that her latest piece of jewelry was given to her by a man with whom she had an affair.  A jewelry appraiser (Sherman Hemsley) insisted on finding out how much the jewelry was worth.  Jeannie feared that her husband would suspect something was amiss when he discovered how expensive it really was.  She begged the appraiser to lie about how much it was worth.  The appraiser said that he could not risk damaging his reputation but then he decided to lie anyway.

Gopher and Isaac tried to get a picture with Dottie West (a singer who played herself) but Dottie just wanted to rest.

Is that it?  Is that all of the storylines or is that just all my exhausted mind can remember?  Seriously, this was a busy two-hour episode.  It was an annoying episode too.  Maybe I’d feel differently if I was into country music.  Of the guest stars, Mel Tillis and Jessica Walter gave the best performances.  Of the Love Boat crew, no one came out of this episode with their dignity intact.

This was a cruise to miss.

This cruise?  This cruise was a perfect 10 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.7 “Repeat Offenders”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s a Chris epiosde. *Yawn*

Episode 3.7 “Repeat Offenders”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on September 28th, 1997)

When this show first started, Chris Kelly was introduced as being a hotshot Navy pilot who was forced into reserve status due to her eyesight.  In this episode, it’s revealed that she actually left active duty because she was involved in an accident that was the fault of her commanding officer.  Rather than testify against him and run the risk of being crucified on the stand and then run out of the Navy, she instead took the blame.

Five years later, she discovers that another Navy pilot, Rebecca Santori (Liza Snyder), is facing the same dilemma.  Her commanding officer — who was also Chris’s commanding officer — screwed up and Santori is being pressured to take the blame.  Chris encourages Santori to fight for her right to fly.  Cory suggests that Chris is pressuring Snantori because Chris feels guilty about giving up when she was in the same position.  Cory suggests that Chris is putting Santori’s career at risk just to deal with her own anger and resentment.  Chris says that’s not true and the show seems to expect us to take her word for it.  Fortunately, things do work for Santori.  She is cleared in the accident and Chris is vindicated when its determined that their commanding officer has a long history of incompetence.

This storyline had potential but Chris is just such a one-note character that it’s hard to get excited about anything involving her.  Every week, it seems like Chris finds something new to get upset about and every week, anyone who suggests that Chris isn’t being totally honest about her motivations has to deal with the Chris Kelly glare of death.  In order to remain sympathetic while glaring at people and telling them that they’re idiots, you have to have some shred of charisma.  Chris does not and whenever she’s at the center of an episode, even when she’s in the right as with this one, I just find myself thinking about how much I would dread to have to work with her on a daily basis.

As for the other storyline, thieves are targeting foreign tourists on the boardwalk.  Palermo and TC put on Hawaiian shirts and pretend to be foreign tourists.  The thieves get arrested.  Yay.  How exciting.  Bike patrol does it again.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.19 “Lost and Found/Dick Turpin’s Last Ride”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

This week, I really missed Tattoo.

Episode 7.19 “”Lost and Found/Dick Turpin’s Last Ride”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on April 7th,1984)

Stung by the discovery that her husband has cheated on her, Sheila McKenna (Carol Lynley) comes to Fantasy Island, looking for revenge.  Her husband, Frank (Adam West), follows her and tries to save his marriage.  Sheila is tempted to cheat with Frank’s business partner.  Fortunately, Mr. Roarke is there to show Frank the error of his ways and, for some reason, Sheila ends up forgiving him and they leave the Island with their marriage stronger than ever.

This storyline is one that I perhaps would have been more invested in if Sheila McKenna had not been played by Carol Lynley.  Lynley was the most frequent guest star on Fantasy Island.  She was never particularly memorable but, in this episode, she gives a performance that can only be described as bad.  Delivering her lines without a hint of emotion (and forget about having any chemistry with West), Lynley comes across as if she under the influence of serious narcotics.  I was genuinely worried about her health.  I didn’t really care much about her marriage.

As for the other storyline, singer Tom Jones stars as mild-mannered accountant Jack Palmer.  Palmer idolizes the legendary Welsh highwayman, Dick Turpin.  Roarke sends him into the past so that he can actually be Dick Turpin.  Tom Jones as Turpin sings almost all of his dialogue.  Jack’s wife (Dianne Kay) is also sent into the past and is kidnapped by Sid Haig.

The Dick Turpin storyline was the sort of thing that Fantasy Island did well in the past.  However, despite some surprisingly strong production values, it just kind of fell flat in this episode.  A big problem is that this was the type of story that would have been perfect for Tattoo but, unfortunately, the show replaced Herve Villechaize with Christopher Hewett.  I have nothing against Christopher Hewett.  From what I’ve read, he was apparently a very devout Catholic who was loved by all.  But the switch-over from Villechaize to Hewett was definitely the moment that Fantasy Island stopped being a fantasy to watch.

It’s hard to believe that I’m nearly done with this series.  I’ve been reviewing it since 2022!  It’s brought me a lot of joy but, as I make my way through the final episodes of season 7, I’m ready to finally move on.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 5.1 “Suicide Stunt”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the fifth season begins.

Episode 5.1 “Suicide Stunt”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on October 4th, 1981)

The fifth season opens with the Highway Patrol pursuing a gang of thieves and also keeping an eye on Janos Szabo (Les Lannom), a motorcycle daredevil from Hungary who has come to Los Angeles to take part in charity show for “Highway Patrol Widows and Orphans.”

Since Hungary was controlled by the evil communists (hisssss!) when this episode originally aired, I assumed the episode would be about Janos trying to defect so that he could start a new life in the greatest country on Earth, the USA (yay!).  Instead, it turned out that Janos was more concerned with spending time with an ex-girlfriend named Maria (Anita Jodelsohn) who had defected (Good for you, Maria!) and was now working for the Highway Patrol.  The entire episode was pretty much scene after scene of Janos sneaking away from his handlers, stealing a vehicle, and then trying to kidnap Maria.  Maria found it to be amusing.  The members of the Highway Patrol were amused.  Even Janos’s handlers seemed to be secretly amused.  Still, when Janos set a fire outside of the CHP headquarters to distract everyone so that he could steal another car (this one with Maria in it), Ponch had no choice other than to arrest him.

“I am glad it is you who arrest me,” Janos says to Ponch, smiling like an idiot.

With Janos arrested, it falls on Jon Baker to perfect the stunts while riding Janos’s motorcycle.  And Baker is able to do it easily, even the one that involves bursting through a ring of fire.  So, I guess they didn’t need Janos to begin with.  They should have just had Baker do it and they could have saved a lot of money.  Way to waste the taxpayer’s cash, Jerry Brown!

(He was governor at the time.  Then, like 30 years later, he was governor again.)

Odd episode, this one.  Most season premieres try to go big but this was pretty much just another episode of CHiPs.  The California scenery was nice.  I always appreciate that this show was largely shot on location and, as a result, even the worst episodes have some value as a time capsule.  That said, Janos was an incredibly annoying character.  The fact that the show meant for us to laugh at his antics made him even more annoying.  There’s only so many times you can watch one jackass try to abduct one woman before you say, “Enough already!”

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.7 “Asian Cut”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

There’s another serial killer haunting the streets of Miami.  We all know what that means.  It’s time to put either Trudy or Gina in harm’s way again.

Episode 5.7 “Asian Cut”

(Dir by James Contner, originally aired on January 13th, 1989)

Someone is murdering prostitutes and carving symbols into their skin.  The seemingly friendly Prof. Halliwell (David Schramm) confirms that the symbols are Asian in origin.  Crockett and Castillo suspect that the murderer might be a knife-obsessed Japanese gangster named Tegoro (Cary-Hiroyui Tagawa) but it turns out that they’re wrong.  Gina and Trudy work undercover as escort and Trudy meets Carlos (Alfredo Alvarez Calderon), a man with a kink for being beaten.  Carlos wants to introduce Trudy to a friend of his, someone who is something of an expert on torture and who learned the majority of his techniques while he was serving in the CIA during the Vietnam War….

Yep, the murderer is Prof. Halliwell!

This episode was thoroughly unpleasant.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to episodes about serial killers and David Schramm did a good job of switching from being goofy to deadly.  However, in this case, it was hard not to think about the fact that, in five seasons, Gina and Trudy haven’t really gotten to do much other than pretend to be escorts and get threatened by serial killers.  For once, Gina was the one providing support while Trudy was the one put in jeopardy but it still otherwise felt very, very familiar.  Even the twist that the killer was a former CIA agent who specialized in torturing enemy combatants felt just a bit too predictable.  (On Miami Vice, anyone who is former CIA and not named Castillo always turns out to be a murderer.)  The torture scenes were so drawn out that they ultimately felt a bit gratuitous.

This episode ultimately just felt icky,

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 3.1 “Playing God, Part One”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

Today, we start the third season of St. Elsewhere with some new opening credits!

Episode 3.1 “Playing God, Part One”

(Dir by Bruce Paltrow, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

The opening of the third season finds that St. Eligius is just as depressing as it’s ever been.

Fiscus leads a group of new residents, including Dr. Elliott Axelrod (played by new series regular Stephen Furst), through the hospital.  Fiscus comes across as being an arrogant jackass.  I guess that’s the appeal of being a second-year resident.  You get to look down on all of the first-years.

Jack is still dating Clancy (young Helen Hunt).  When Clancy tells Jack that she’s pregnant, he’s shocked when she says she’s planning on getting an abortion.  Jack proposes to her.  Clancy says she’s not ready to get married and she’s not ready to have a baby.

Dr. Craig is still yelling at Dr. Ehrlich.  Dr. Ehrlich is still annoying the nurses.

Speaking of the nurses, they’re going on strike!

Three firefighters (one of whom is played by Erin Hudson) are injured while on the job and are rushed to St. Eligius with severe burns.  Luckily, plastic surgeon Bobby Caldwell (Mark Harmon, without that terrible mustache he wore during season two) is on call.

Dr. Peter White is working in a shady clinic and is still suing for his right to be a resident.

A traffic accident leaves one nun in a coma and apparently brain-dead.  Sister Doemnica (Michael Learned) wants to take her off life-support.  Westphall (Ed Flanders), who seems even more depressed than usual, disagrees.  It looks like there’s going to be some conflict about this.  For once, I’m on Westphall’s side.  I’m believer in hope.

Auschlander is still battling his cancer.

In other words, it’s another day at St. Eligius.  The third season premiere did a good job of re-introducing viewers to the hospital.  The snarkiness of Fiscus’s tour nicely balanced all of the more dramatic moments in the episode.  If anything has me worried, it’s the possible return of the loathsome Peter White.  How is the hospital going to deal with the return of a man who they all know is a rapist, even if he was somehow acquitted?  I guess we’ll find out.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.22 “A Dolphin Song For Lee, Part 2”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Lee dies.

Episode 4.22 “A Dolphin Song For Lee Part 2”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 23rd, 1988)

Remember how, last week, Lee (Bess Meyer) was told that her cancer had gone into remission and she was going to live?  Well, this week, the cancer comes back and Lee dies after a month.

What a depressing episode!

Lee gets to do a lot in that month.  She goes out on a boat and saves a group of dolphins from some hunters.  She testified before Congress and, through emotional blackmail, gets them to pass a bill protecting the dolphins.  She swims with a dolphin!  And then she dies and its suggested that she’s been reborn as a dolphin.

Normally, I would complain about how shamelessly manipulative this all is but you know what?  I like dolphins.  I’ll forgive a lot when it comes to dolphins.

And, also, I am going to give some credit where is credit is due.  Not every story has a happy ending.  Sometimes, people die.  It’s not fair but it happens.  Highway to Heaven admitted that in this episode and I was in tears by the end of it.

Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

Casey goes undercover at nightclub.

Episode 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”

(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on December 30th, 1957)

Casey is working undercover, pretending to be a photographer named Judy.  She’s been working at a run-down nightclub for two months, trying to find evidence that the club’s owner, Frank (James Mitchell), was responsible for a payroll theft.  Frank has an alibi but Casey is able to get her man when she convinces Frank’s second-in-command, Chi Chi (Al Lewis), to turn on him.  Chi Chi is in love with Frank’s girlfriend, Georgia (Kay Medford).

This was not a bad episode.  Casey got to wear a pretty dress and Beverly Garland got to show off her acting skills as she flirted with Frank and worked to turn Chi Chi against him.  Interestingly enough, this episode ended on something of a melancholy note.  Casey managed to send Frank to jail and Chi Chi and Georgia left for France together but the night club closed and blind pianist Alex (Richard Ward), the only truly decent person in this episode, ended up out of a job.  In the end, Casey looked almost as if she was about to cry.  It’s not easy, working undercover.