Horror Film Review: White Zombie (dir by Victor Halperin)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In the 1932 film, White Zombie, Bela Lugosi plays one of his most evil characters.

Lugosi is “Murder” Legendre, a voodoo master who lives on the island of Haiti. He owns a sugar cane mill, one that has an ever-growing amount of workers. All of Legendre’s workers do their work without complaint. Actually, they work without talking at all. Even when one of them falls to his apparent death, the rest continue to work as if they didn’t even notice. Legendre has made himself into a wealthy and feared figure because everyone knows that he has an army of zombies who serve him. He’s not only evil but he’s also someone who enjoys being evil and causing as much trouble as possible. And yet, because his magic is powerful, the island’s rich plantation owners often pay him for favors.

Among those who are willing to pay Murder for his services is Charles Beaumont (Robert W. Frazer), a plantation owner who is in love with Madeleine Short (Madge Bellamy) and jealous of her fiancé, Neil Parker (John Harron). Charles wants Madeleine to love him so Murder gives Charles a potion to slip into Madeleine’s drink. When Madeleine drinks the potion, she appears to die. After her funeral, Charlies and Murder break into her crypt and retrieve Madeleine. Madeleine is now in a state of limbo, not quite alive but also not quite dead. She can still play the piano but she cannot speak and she stares straight ahead with a blank look in her eyes. She is now one of Murder’s zombies. Needless to say, Charles isn’t happy about this and neither is Neil.

Now, one thing I should make clear is that the zombies in White Zombie are more like the zombies of Haitian mythology than the zombies that one would expect to find in a George Romero film. The zombies in White Zombie do not eat human flesh. They’re not in a process of decay. They are not immortal. These zombies are not the walking dead. Instead, they’re brainwashed victims who have been turned into slaves by Murder and his magic potions. Murder uses them to punish his enemies and to work in his mill. As I said at the start of this review, Murder Legendre is one of Bela Lugosi’s most evil characters.

White Zombie is usually considered to be the first feature length zombie film. Though it was released 91 years ago and watching it requires a bit of adjustment on the part of modern viewers, White Zombie still creates and maintains a memorable atmosphere of ominous magic and growing menace. The scenes in Murder’s sugar cane mill are especially strong, with Murder’s zombies silently marching from one task to another. The acting is a bit inconsistent. Watching the film, it’s easy to see that it was made at a time when Hollywood was still making the transition to sound. But the important thing is that Bela Lugosi is absolutely fantastic as the menacing Murder Legendre, smirking as he casts his spell and, in one of the film’s most famous scenes, walking straight towards the camera with an evil gleam in his eyes as if he’s coming straight for the audience. Flaws aside, White Zombie features one of Bela Lugosi’s best performances and is more than worth watching for that reason alone.

Horror On The Lens: Silent Night, Bloody Night (dir by Theodore Gershuny)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 1974 film Silent Night, Bloody Night is an oddity.

On the one hand, it’s pretty much a standard slasher film, complete with a menacing mansion, a horrible secret, a twist ending, and John Carradine playing a mute newspaper editor.

On the other hand, director Ted Gershuny directs like he’s making an underground art film and several of the supporting roles are played by actors who were best known for their association with Andy Warhol.

Personally, I like Silent Night, Bloody Night. It has a terrible reputation and the film’s star, Mary Woronov, has gone on record calling it a “terrible movie” but I like the surreal touches the Gershuny brought to the material and the sepia-toned flashbacks have a nightmarish intensity to them. The film makes no logical sense, which actually makes it all the more appealing to me. As the saying goes, your mileage may vary.

Watch and decide for yourself!

Horrific Insomnia File #63: Hillbillys in a Haunted House (dir by Jean Yarbrough)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have jumped on Tubi and watched a film from 1967 called Hillbillys In A Haunted House and it would have put you right to sleep.

Hillbillys In A Haunted House has some big names in the cast but, unfortunately, none of them get to do much. Instead, the main characters are country singer Woody Wetherby (Ferlin Husky), his partner Boots Malone (a very pointy Joi Lansing), and their road manager, Jeepers (Don Bowman). When we first see them, they’re driving to Nashville and even worse, they’re singing about the fact that they’re driving to Nashville. They’re scheduled to perform in “the Jamboree.” However, after they’re delayed by a bunch of cops having a shoot out with two spies, Boots announces that Jeepers is a nervous wreck and that they really need to stop and rest for the night.

Unfortunately, they’re in the town of Sleepy Junction and there’s not much to Sleepy Junction because everyone in town recently moved to Acme City. As a result, there are no hotels or motels in Sleepy Junction. But there is a big, deserted mansion that is rumored to be haunted. With a storm approaching and Jeepers’s nerves even more on edge then before, they head to the mansion. At the mansion Woody sings a song and then some neighbors stop by and they all sing another song. Are you getting the feeling that there’s a lot of singing in this movie? You’re right, there is. It’s all studio-perfect singing too. Woody lip-syncs like a pro.

Anyway, the mansion is also being used by four spies, played by Basil Rathbone, John Carradine, a hulking Lon Chaney, Jr., and Linda Ho. The four of them live in the surprisingly clean basement of the mansion. Living with them is a gorilla. The spies planning on stealing a formula for rocket fuel from Acme City but first they need to do something about the hillbillys that are currently in the haunted house. Carradine and Rathbone try to scare them out with some remote control ghost action. Jeepers may be a coward and Woody may be a redneck and Boots may have atrocious taste in clothes but all three of them are Americans and they’re not going to stand for any spy nonsense!

If you think it sounds like this was stupid, you’re right. Carradine and Rathbone both struggle to maintain a straight face. Poor Lon Chaney Jr. often appears to be out of breath. There’s way too much singing. Seriously, couldn’t the hillbillies have just driven another few miles to Acme City and found a hotel?

The film will put you to sleep, though. It has its uses.

Previous Insomnia Files:

Story of Mankind
Stag
Love Is A Gun
Nina Takes A Lover
Black Ice
Frogs For Snakes
Fair Game
From The Hip
Born Killers
Eye For An Eye
Summer Catch
Beyond the Law
Spring Broke
Promise
George Wallace
Kill The Messenger
The Suburbans
Only The Strong
Great Expectations
Casual Sex?
Truth
Insomina
Death Do Us Part
A Star is Born
The Winning Season
Rabbit Run
Remember My Name
The Arrangement
Day of the Animals
Still of The Night
Arsenal
Smooth Talk
The Comedian
The Minus Man
Donnie Brasco
Punchline
Evita
Six: The Mark Unleashed
Disclosure
The Spanish Prisoner
Elektra
Revenge
Legend
Cat Run
The Pyramid
Enter the Ninja
Downhill
Malice
Mystery Date
Zola
Ira & Abby
The Next Karate Kid
A Nightmare on Drug Street
Jud
FTA
Exterminators of the Year 3000
Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
The Haunting of Helen Walker
True Spirit
Project Kill
Replica
Rollergator

6 Trailers For October 29, 2023

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As we reach the conclusion of our annual Horrorthon, how about another edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Film trailers? Today, we pay tribute to the godfather of Halloween, Mr. John Carpenter!

Halloween (1978)

Obviously, I was going to have to share the trailer for the original Halloween eventually. This is still the best of the franchise. In fact, all of the attempts by other directors to “improve” on it just serves to remind us of the fact that John Carpenter said everything that needed to be said in the first film.

2. Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

How did Carpenter get the chance to direct Halloween? Well, the producers were impressed with his previous film, Assault on Precinct 13. Also impressed by this film was Angela Pleasence, who subsequently convinced her father, Donald, to read Carpenter’s script for Halloween.

3. The Fog (1980)

Carpenter followed up Halloween with The Fog, which featured several cast members of both Halloween and Carpenter’s next film, Escape From New York.

4. The Thing (1982)

Incredibly underappreciated when it was first released, Carpenter’s remake of The Thing has gone on to become one of his most popular and influential films.

5. Prince of Darkness (1987)

Speaking of underappreciated, it would also be several years before Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness started to receive the attention that it really deserved.

6. John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998)

Finally, with Vampires, Carpenter mixed the horror genre with the western genre and came up with a hybrid that continues to be influential to this day.

Cleaning Out The DVR: The Neighbors Are Watching (dir by Haylie Duff)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Your neighbors will always have your back,” Betsy (Elena Kent) tells Amy (Kabby Borders) while welcoming her to the neighborhood.

But will they?

That’s the question posed by the Lifetime film, The Neighbors Are Watching. At first, it certainly seems like the neighbors are supportive of Amy as she starts her new job as a teacher and she tries to restart her life after ending a bad marriage. And it certainly seems like a wonderful neighborhood. Amy’s even got a surprisingly big house, considering that she’s a teacher. I guess she lives in one of those states where teachers get paid a decent salary and don’t have to hand over half of it in union dues. Either that or this is just another example of Lifetime understanding that it’s more fun to watch people in big houses than to watch people in small houses.

With the support of the neighborhood, Amy starts to date Henry (Will Holland), the guy who has just moved in across the street from her. And, with the exception of one skeevy moment where he glances up at Amy’s bedroom window while she’s getting dressed, Henry seems like a great guy. He says that he owns a home repair business and he even volunteers to fix her back door for her.

But strange things are happening and soon, the neighbors will turn against Amy. It starts when someone leaves Amy strange messages and newspaper clippings about how her previous marriage ended because she killed her abusive husband in self-defense. Then Henry starts to act strangely and Amy even thinks that she sees him at his house with another woman. When Amy confronts him, Henry gaslights her and claims that she’s obviously seeing things. All of the neighbors come outside to watch as Amy and Henry argue. And when Amy thinks that she sees Henry putting a dead body in the trunk of his car, the police react as if Amy is the one who did something wrong by calling them. Is Amy truly losing it, as Henry suggests, or is someone trying to frame Amy and make her look bad? And will Amy’s neighbors, including Betsy, have her back?

The Neighbors Are Watching was one of those Lifetime movies that got better as it went along. The first half, which featured Amy and Henry as a couple, featured a bit too much overwritten, cutesy flirting and a few too many scenes of Betsy trying to convince everyone to drink wine. But, once it became apparent that Henry was a bad guy who was trying to make everybody think that Amy was going insane, the film became much more entertaining. In fact, all of the cutesy dialogue made sense once you understood that Henry was trying to create the impression of a movie-perfect romance. There’s a good twist towards the end and Lifetime regular Kabby Borders is likable and sympathetic as Amy. This is the third film that Haylie Duff has directed for Lifetime and she definitely understands the importance of embracing the melodrama. Despite the rough start, I enjoyed watching The Neighbors Are Watching.

October Positivity: The Mark: Redemption (dir by James Chankin)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2013’s The Mark: Redemption picks up almost immediately where The Mark left off.

The world is in chaos as millions of people have mysteriously vanished. The economy is collapsing. Crime is out of control. Cities are burning. The G20 Economic Summit is meeting in a surprisingly small conference room in Berlin. The world looks to a mysterious investor named Phillyp Turk (Ivan Kamaras) for leadership. It does this despite the fact that everything about Phillyp — from the way he speaks to the way he looks to the way that he spells his name — would seem to indicate that he’s a crazy supervillain. Was the world not paying attention to all of those comic book movies? Do they not know a cartoonishly evil businessman when they see one?

In Bangkok, Mr. Pike (Gary Daniels) and his men are still searching for Chad (Craig Sheffer) and Dao (Sonia Couling). Chad still has the biometric chip — the Mark of the Beast, as it were — in his bloodstream and Pike is determined to capture Chad and somehow get the chip out. In between thinking about all of their friends and family who have vanished, Chad and Dao try to find the inventor of the chip so that he can hopefully remove it. Along the way, Dao talks about her younger sister, who has disappeared into Bangkok’s underworld but who, in one of those coincidental twists that boggles the imagination, also happens to have been an early test subject for the chip that is currently in Chad’s blood stream!

As for Cooper (Eric Roberts), he’s being held captive by Turner’s men. Just as in the first film, Cooper proves himself to be a clever manipulator. The only difference is that, in the sequel, Cooper finally understands that he was one of the bad guys and he doesn’t feel quite right about that. Cooper finds an ally in Warren (Johann Helf), one of Mr. Pike’s less bloodthirsty associates.

The Mark: Redemption is quite an improvement on the original film. It helps that, in the sequel, the action is opened up as opposed to solely taking place in one claustrophobic location. Mr. Pike and his men chase Chad and Dao all over Bangkok while Turk flies from New York to Berlin and back again. If the first film felt confined, the second film truly does capture the feel of a global catastrophe. As well, Craig Sheffer’s performance here is far more lively than in the first film. In the first film, he seemed as if he had mentally checked out. In the second film, he actually makes some sort of effort to portray the character. Of course, the film is ultimately stolen by Eric Roberts, who seems to be having a blast playing the sardonic Cooper. Roberts keeps the film lively and things are all the better for it.

The Mark: Redemption ends with the promise of a third film but, as far as I know, it was never made.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.4 “X-Ray Marks The Spot”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, it’s physical time!

Episode 1.4 “X-Ray Marks The Spot”

(Dir by Stan Harris, originally aired on October 23rd, 1985)

Oh, the drama never ends in Canada!

Cobb’s has just switched over to a new insurance plan and all of the employees are going to have to get physicals to make sure that they qualify. That means that everyone has to come in on Monday, regardless of whether it’s their day off or not. (Since the store only seems to have 3 cashiers and one stockboy, I’m not sure they can afford to give anyone a day off.) The physicals will be done right in the store parking lot which …. wait, what? That’s a bit intrusive.

(Actually, I assume they have some sort of mobile doctor’s office but that’s never really made clear in the dialogue, which led me to imagine all of the characters getting poked and prodded in the middle of the parking lot.)

That’s not the only problem! Murray the stock boy put a lot of cans in the storeroom and, after a torrential downfall, he discovered that he put all the cans underneath a hole in the roof. The cans got wet and their labels peeled off. Christian suggests just donating the cans to charity and taking a tax write-off but Howard points out that some of the cans were dog food. “Okay,” Christian says, “give it to poor people with pets!”

(Actually, that’s not a bad idea….)

Howard, himself, is upset because he nearly got run over by a kid driving a car. He tells Edna that he hates kid. Howard picks the worst time to tell Edna this because, before coming to work, she took a pregnancy test and guess who is expecting?

Edna tries to keep the news from Howard until he’s in a better mood but then she discovers that she’ll have to get an x-ray at the physical and, when she tells Howard why she can’t do that, Howard is not particularly enthused about the prospect of being a father. Edna gets upset and leaves Canada for Florida!

How will all of this get resolved?

Well, the mystery of the cans is solved when Murray gets them ex-rayed. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to sell people food that was just zapped with radiation but whatever.

Edna leaving is temporarily resolved when Marlene, who is the best character on the show, become Howard’s new secretary. Marlene turns out to be so bad at her job that I was cringing at my own memories of my first day as an administrative assistant. Fortunately, Edna returns and takes her old job back.

She also tearfully tells Howard that the test was incorrect and she’s not pregnant. Edna sits down at her desk, opens the desk drawer, and discovers the stuffed Panda bear that Howard bought while she was gone. “Awwwwwww!” the studio audience said. And, I’ll be honest, I said it too.

The first half of this episode really didn’t work for me, largely because both Don Adams and Dinah Christie (in the roles of Howard and Edna, respectively) had a tendency to go BIG in their performances and that pretty much made it impossible for me to really get emotionally involved with their story. It was a bit too obvious that they weren’t lovers but that they were instead just two actors reciting their lines. The second half of the episode was a marked improvement, when both Adams and Christie dialing back their performances and actually talking like real human beings. Shaky start aside, the episode did kind of earn that “awwww” from the audience.

Next week, a contest goes wrong!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Televison: 10/22/23 — 10/28/23

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I’ve got so much stuff piling up on the DVR. I’ll get caught up on it all in November!

Big Brother (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about this stupid show over at the Reality TV Chat Blog! I will be so happy when this season is over. Every day, I pray for the cancellation of this show.

Check It Out! (Tubi)

I watched the fourth episode of Check It Out! on Friday. My review will drop in a few hours.

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High here!

Dragnet (Weekday Morning, MeTV)

I woke up early enough on Monday that, when I turned on television, I found myself watching the episode of Dragnet where Joe Friday served on a review board that was investigating whether a police officer had failed to properly identity himself. It was not one of the more interesting episodes of Dragnet.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched an episode of Dr. Phil in which Phil interviewed a woman who shaved her head and faked having cancer. The woman said that she felt very guilty. Dr. Phil didn’t buy it.

On Tuesday morning, I watched Dr. Phil talk to a woman who was in an abusive marriage with a total jerk. Dr. Phil called the jerk a “loud-mouthed bully” but it didn’t really seem to do much good. Later, on Tuesday evening, I watched an episode about an out-of-control teen named Taylor. Phil yelled at the parents but he didn’t seem to do much good for Taylor.

On Saturday night, I watched an episode about a disastrous wedding that was still tearing a family apart. Seriously, it was a really bad wedding. I think the only solution was for the wife to get a divorce. “Wow,” Dr. Phil said, in his condescending way.

Gun (Tubi)

I wrote about Gun here.

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

I wrote about Highway to Heaven here!

The Hitchhiker (YouTube)

I watched several episodes of The Hitchhiker this week, while choosing which ones to feature on the site. It was a bit of an uneven show but, when it worked, it worked. I loved Page Fletcher’s super-judgmental monologues.

It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (Apple TV+)

Erin and I watched this classic on Thursday. Read Erin’s’ thoughts on it here!

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

I wrote about Jennifer Slept Here here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Nightmare Café (YouTube)

I wrote about Nightmare Café here!

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Toy Story Of Terror (Disney Plus)

Erin and I watched this on Thursday, after we watched It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. I love the toys! This isn’t their best adventure but it’s still nice to see and hear everyone again.

The Vanishing Shadow (Night Flight Plus)

I watched Chapter Three of this serial on Friday night. In this episode, the invisibility ray was used.

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I reviewed Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes Prime Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

A member of Jim’s cabinet had a plan that he felt would help the economy and reduce unemployment. Sir Humphrey felt that the cabinet member was a pointless radical and encouraged Jim to ignore him. This episode featured one of my favorite sources of humor on this show, Jim’s tendency to just agree with whoever last spoke to him. It feels like a very realistic portrait of the way governments work.

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 6.15 “Living a Lie” (dir by Bruno Gantillon)

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

When a bartender steals one of his customer’s credit cards, he learns that credit fraud can lead to …. HORROR! Let that be a lesson to everyone.

This episode originally aired on January 18th, 1991.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

Posted on October 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Gabe needs surgery!

Episode 2.17 “Chicken a la Kotter”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on January 27th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Socrates Kotter. Uncle Socrates had a best friend named Euripides but they drifted apart when Socrates moved to Chicago and opened up his own dry cleaning place. One day, a guy who looked just like Euripides walked into the business.

“Euripedes!” Socrates shouted.

“Yeah,” the guy replied as he handed over his pants, “you menda these?”

Plato was not available for comment.

After the opening credits, we find ourselves back at the apartment. Gabe comes home from the dentist and tells Julie that he has three abscesses. (Good Lord, Gabe!) Gabe says that a root canal will cost thousands. Having the teeth pulled will cost hundreds. Or maybe he can just convince someone to knock out all of his teeth for free.

Julie says that she’s gotten a part-time job stuffing envelopes but that’s probably not going to pay for Gabe’s dental surgery. She suggests that he call one of the personal loan places that advertise on television. Gabe is reluctant because he hates their commercials but, at Julie’s insistence, he calls and asks for $12,000. The guy on the other end of the line asks Gabe what he does for a living.

“I’m a teacher,” Gabe replies.

“What’s he saying?” Julie asks.

“I’ll tell you after he stops laughing.”

Eventually, the guy asks Gabe about his assets. “I’m a fun guy,” Gabe says, “I’ve got a good sense of humor….” The loan guy tells Gabe that, if he takes out a loan with them, he’ll have to pay $110 a month for a year and that he would have to put up his first born son as collateral.

(Today, I should add, I spent $110 on Halloween candy.)

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are confused as to why Gabe is slurring his speech when he calls roll. After Freddie asks if he’s okay, Gabe explains that he has to get dental surgery but he doesn’t have any way to pay for it. Freddie suggests that Gabe join the Marines. Epstein offers to go into business with him. Barbarino volunteers to be the prize at a raffle. Horshack offers to sell his body to science.

After class ends, Gabe sits at his desk and reads the classifieds. (“Wanted, hearse driver. Must not mind riding alone …. sort of.”) Woodman wanders into the classroom and reminds Gabe that he’s not allowed to “moonlight.” Gabe asks Woodman how he manages to make ends meet.

“My ends never meet, Kotter!” Woodman declares.

Gabe bemoans never being able to have fun on his salary.

“There’s more to life than fun, Kotter,” Woodman says, “There’s hard work, sacrifice, and REVENGE!”

After Woodman leaves, Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein return to the classroom and announce that they’ve pooled together their life savings to help out Mr. Kotter. They then hand him five dollars and 72 cents. “Stay mellow, fellow,” Freddie says.

Several nights later, at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie that he has to go to his second job as a “public relations expert at a restaurant.” Julie accuses Gabe of cheating on her. Uhmm, Julie — remember how you all talked about how Gabe would need to get a second job to pay for his root canal? It wasn’t that long ago….

Part of the reason why Julie is suspicious is because Gabe always takes a suitcase with him to work. What’s in the suitcase? Gabe’s work costume! Yes, I said costume. Gabe’s public relations job involves dressing up like a chicken and going to the grand opening of every new Mr. Chicken restaurant.

Guess who walks into the restaurant?

It’s Barbarino, Freddie, Horshack, and Epstein! Horshack, not recognizing Captain Chicken as his teacher, demands an autograph. However, the other Sweathogs quickly recognize him and, no longer as sympathetic as they were a few days ago, they proceed to make fun of Gabe and his costume. Unfortunately, because Gabe is on the clock, he still has to take their orders. They order the Gluten’s Gorge.

While Gabe relays the order to the kitchen, Woodman comes in and sees that the restaurant is having a contest where, if you guess the number of chicken bones in a container, you’ll win a free meal. Gabe has his back to him but he still clearly hears as Woodman announces, “460, Captain Chicken!” Gabe is forced to turn around and reveal that Woodman is “a few bones short.” Woodman tells Gabe to watch out for roosters and then laughs loudly as he leaves.

Gabe is then forced, by the restaurant manager, to do a dance with a cane and a top hat in order to celebrate the Sweathogs ordering a Gluten’s Gorge. The Sweathogs applaud and congratulate Gabe for being a “good sport.” Gabe explains that he took this demeaning job because he couldn’t get a day job because it would mean abandoning his Sweathogs. The restaurant manager then orders Gabe to get his “delinquents” students out of the place.

“Up your gizzard with a rubber lizard,” Freddie replies.

Rather than betray his students, Gabe quits his job. They all leave to get Chinese food. Yay! I love Chinese food.

Back at the apartment, Gabe tells Julie a joke about his Aunt Sophie, who always used to sleep with her mouth open and….

Wait a minute …. did Gabe ever get his dental surgery? It seems like that whole part of the story kind of got pushed to the side. This was an incredibly silly episode and it didn’t quite work for me because, as annoying as Julie can be, her whole assumption that Gabe was having an affair never made sense. She knew why he had to get a night job. Still, at least Mr. Woodman got a few good lines and it’s always touching when the Sweathogs reveal that they really do care about their teacher and themselves.

Seriously, though — three abscesses!? Here’s hoping Gabe takes better care of himself in the future!