Guilty Pleasure No. 78: Armageddon (dir by Michael Bay)


Remember that time that Bruce Willis and a team of oil drillers saved all of humanity from a giant asteroid that was apparently the size of Texas?

Sure, you do!  Everyone remembers Armageddon!

1998’s Armageddon is a film that doesn’t get a lot of respect but which everyone remembers.  There’s been a lot of movies made about giant asteroids on a collision path with the Earth.  Ever since scientists announced that a collision with a comet or an asteroid probably killed the dinosaurs, there’s been a somewhat irrational fear that the same thing could happen to us.  Back in 1978, Sean Connery and Karl Malden tried to stop a Meteor (and failed).  In 1998, the same year that Armageddon came out, Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, and Elijah Wood tried to stop an asteroid from causing a Deep Impact (and failed).  Adam McKay made an entire film about everyone saying, “Don’t Look Up,” in an attempt to promote increased panic about climate change (and failed).  (“I’m so scared!” Leonardo DiCaprio shouted and audiences responded, “Oh, calm down.”)  And yet, it’s Armageddon — ridiculed by critics, endlessly parodied by other movies — that people use as their go-to source for commenting on the prospect of a mass extinction event.  Mostly because, in Armageddon, humanity didn’t fail.  Bruce Willis showed that asteroid who was boss!

Why do we love Armageddon?  A lot of it has to do with the cast.  Not only do you have Bruce Willis battling an asteroid but you’ve also got Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, Will Patton, Michael Clarke Duncan, Peter Stormare, William Fichtner, and a host of others working with him.  You’ve got Billy Bob Thornton working ground control.  You’ve got Liv Tyler, somehow managing to give a decent performance even while Ben Affleck attacks her with animal crackers.  It’s not just the cast is full of familiar and likable actors.  It’s that the members of the cast know exactly what type of film that they’re appearing in and they all give exactly the right type of performance for that film.  They deliver their lines with conviction while not making the mistake of taking themselves too seriously.  Bruce Willis announces that his crew will destroy that asteroid in return for never having to pay taxes again and he announces with just the slightest hint of a smirk, knowing that the audience is going to cheer that moment.

But really, the real reason why Armageddon has survived that test of time is because it’s just so utterly shameless.  Director Michael Bay will never be accused of being a subtle director but Bay instinctively understood that Armageddon was not a film that demanded subtlety.  Armageddon is a film that demands that constantly moving camera and all of those carefully composed scenes that were clearly made so they could be included in the trailer.  It’s a film about big moments and big emotions.  Unlike something like Deep Impact, it doesn’t get bogged down in trying to be better than it actually is.  Unlike Don’t Look Now, it doesn’t degenerate into a bunch of histrionic speeches.  Armageddon exists to make the audience cheer and it succeeds.  It takes guts to include a slow motion scene of a bunch of kids celebrating in front of a faded Kennedy For President poster but Bay is exactly the type of director who can pull that off.  Michael Bay’s style is not right for a lot of films.  But it was perfect for Armageddon.

As I sit here typing this, there are some people panicking because there’s speculation that a meteor is going approach the Earth in the 2030s.  It’ll probably miss us but who knows?  But you know what?  I’m not worried at all.  I’ve seen Armageddon.  So, on this International Earth Day, let’s remember the courageous men who saved this planet back in 1998.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
  28. Swimfan
  29. On the Line
  30. Wolfen
  31. Hail Caesar!
  32. It’s So Cold In The D
  33. In the Mix
  34. Healed By Grace
  35. Valley of the Dolls
  36. The Legend of Billie Jean
  37. Death Wish
  38. Shipping Wars
  39. Ghost Whisperer
  40. Parking Wars
  41. The Dead Are After Me
  42. Harper’s Island
  43. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone
  44. Paranormal State
  45. Utopia
  46. Bar Rescue
  47. The Powers of Matthew Star
  48. Spiker
  49. Heavenly Bodies
  50. Maid in Manhattan
  51. Rage and Honor
  52. Saved By The Bell 3. 21 “No Hope With Dope”
  53. Happy Gilmore
  54. Solarbabies
  55. The Dawn of Correction
  56. Once You Understand
  57. The Voyeurs 
  58. Robot Jox
  59. Teen Wolf
  60. The Running Man
  61. Double Dragon
  62. Backtrack
  63. Julie and Jack
  64. Karate Warrior
  65. Invaders From Mars
  66. Cloverfield
  67. Aerobicide 
  68. Blood Harvest
  69. Shocking Dark
  70. Face The Truth
  71. Submerged
  72. The Canyons
  73. Days of Thunder
  74. Van Helsing
  75. The Night Comes for Us
  76. Code of Silence
  77. Captain Ron

Scenes That I Love: Wing Hauser Gets Busted In Vice Squad


Wings Hauser, the great character actor who brought his unhinged intensity to many a film, has passed away.  Rest in Peace.

Today’s scene that I love comes from what may be Hauser’s best-known film, 1983’s Vice Squad.  In this scene, the Vice Squad thinks that they have busted Ramrod, the sadistic pimp played by Hauser.  In this scene, Hauser makes Ramrod into an intimidating figure even as he’s being arrested.  Martin Scorsese once said Wings Hauser deserved an Oscar for his performance in Vice Squad and he was right.

Insomnia File #67: Heist (dir by Scott Mann)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you find yourself awake later tonight, you can always go over to Tubi and watch the 2015 direct-to-video action thriller, Heist.

Heist takes place in Louisiana.  Francis “The Pope” Silva (Robert De Niro) is a mobster and businessman who owns a riverboat casino.  The Pope lives his life according to a set of simple but very specific rules.  He doesn’t lend money.  He doesn’t forgive people who betray him.  If you steal from him, he will track you down and he will get his money back and he will make you regret your decision.  Working as his main henchman is the sadistic Dog (Morris Chestnut).  The Pope’s former main henchman was a man named Luke Vaughn (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) but Luke grew tired of the violence and walked away from it all.  Now, Luke works as a dealer in The Pope’s casino.  His daughter is sick and Luke desperately needs $300,000 to pay her medial bills.  When The Pope refuses to give him the money, Luke teams up with security guard Jason Cox (Dave Bautista) and sets out to rob the place.

The robbery is carefully planned by Luke but, inevitably, things go wrong.  A security guard shows up earlier than he was supposed to.  A shootout leads to Jason’s best friend, Dante (Stephen Cyrus Sepher), getting shot.  The getaway driver panics and drives off, leading to Luke, Cox, and Dante hijacking a bus.  Cox orders the bus driver (D.B. Sweeney) to take them to Galveston but Luke is more concerned with getting the money to his daughter.  Meanwhile, two police officers — Kris Bajos (Gina Carano) and Detective Marconi (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) — follow the bus, each pursuing their own agenda.

Considering that this film is basically a low budget rip-off of Speed (albeit without a bomb threatening to take out the cast), Heist has an impressive cast and they all do a good job of elevating the film above its B-movie origins.  Don’t get me wrong.  There are hundreds of plot holes to be found in Heist.  The film’s big twist really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it.  But, in the end, Heist is an entertaining thrill ride that moves quickly enough that most viewers really won’t have time to obsess on all the lapses of logic.  Morgan plays his role with just enough heart that you want his criminal to succeed.  De Niro brings some extra layers to a role that could have been a caricature.  There’s a brief scene in which he meets his estranged daughter (Kate Bosworth) and, as a result, you suddenly see his character in an entirely new light.  As a character who seems like a much more sinister version of Zach Morris, Mark-Paul Gosselaar keeps you guessing.  And finally, Gina Carano — years before her cancellation — gives an earnest performance that works despite her character being rather inconsistently written.

Heist is an entertaining and fast-paced action film with a good cast and an interesting story.  If you can’t sleep, you might as well be entertained.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost
  66. Ghosts Can’t Do It

Scenes I Love: Zed’s Dead From Pulp Fiction


Today’s scene that I love comes from 1994’s Pulp Fiction. 

There aren’t many happy endings to be found in Pulp Fiction.  Vince ends up gunned down in Butch’s bathroom.  Jules leaves to wander the Earth.  Mia is still married to Marcellus.  Marcellus may get his briefcase but he’s still going to be traumatized for life.  However, Bruce Willis’s aging boxer, Butch, gets a happy ending.  And good for him!

Zed’s dead, baby.  Zed’s dead.

 

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Bruce Willis Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, Bruce Willis turns 70.  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Bruce Willis Films

Die Hard (1988, directed by John McTiernan, DP: Jan de Bont)

Pulp Fiction (1994, dir by Quentin Tarantino, DP: Andrzej Sekuła)

12 Monkeys (1995, dir by Terry Gilliam, DP: Roger Pratt)

Last Man Standing (1996, dir by Walter Hill, DP: Lloyd Ahern II)

Film Review: Precious Cargo (dir by Max Adams)


2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).

Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis).  Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull).  Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen.  Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump.  “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna.  Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.

It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss.  Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross!  The plot is nothing special.  It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently.  It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist.  The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.

That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack.  To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor.  (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode.  I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does.  So there.)  Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.

Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis.  This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career.  When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition.  I don’t know if that’s quite true.  (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.)  But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in.  That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part.  He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day.  Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.

Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.

Film Review: Lay The Favorite (dir by Stephen Frears)


2012’s Lay the Favorite is a movie about gambling.

Rebecca Hall stars as Beth Raymer, a dancer in Florida who makes her money by giving private shows and lap dances to paying customers.  Bored and disillusioned with her life, she follows the advice of her father (Corbin Bernsen) and decides to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a Las Vegas cocktail waitress.

(Really, that’s your dream?  I mean, my mom occasionally worked as a waitress because she was essentially taking care of four girls by herself and she needed the extra money but it was hardly a lifelong dream.)

Vegas is a union town, which means that Beth can’t just walk in and start serving drinks.  Instead, she gets a job working with Dink Heimowitz (Bruce Willis), a big-time gambler who hires other people to place bets for him.  Dink is surprisingly nice for a professional gambler and it’s not long before Beth finds herself falling for him.  Dink’s wife, Tulip (Catherine Zeta-Jones), is not happy about that.  Tulip need not worry about Beth eventually ends up falling in love with a journalist named Jeremy (Joshua Jackson) and the two of them quickly become one of the most boring couples that I’ve ever seen in my life.  Eventually, Tulip does demand that Dink fire Beth and Beth ends up in New York, working for a decadent gambler named Rosy (Vince Vaughn).  Uh-oh — bookmaking’s illegal in New York!

Rebecca Hall is one of those performers who tends to act with a capitol A.  There’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Hall has given some very strong and very memorable performances, in films like Vicky Christina Barcelona, Please Give, and the heart-breaking Christine.  However, when Hall is miscast — as she is in this film — her style of acting can seem overly mannered.  Hall plays Beth as being a collection of quirks and twitches and nervous mannerisms and embarrassed facial expressions and the end result is that Beth comes across not as being the endearing ditz that the film wants her to be but instead as just a very annoying and very immature human being.  It’s actually perfectly understandable why Tulip would demand that Dink fire her.  What’s less understandable is why we should care.  Myself, I wanted someone to warn Joshua Jackson because I don’t think he knew what he was getting into.

Lay The Favorite is yet another film that tries to use Las Vegas as a metaphor for American culture.  That’s not a bad idea.  David Lynch made great use of Vegas in Twin Peaks: The Return.  Martin Scorsese did the same with Casino.  However, Lay The Favorite was directed by the British Stephen Frears and, as happens so often whenever a European director tries to understand American culture, the entire film leaves you feeling as if you’re on the outside looking in.  Lynch and Scorsese, for instance, both understood that Las Vegas represents both the ultimate risk and the ultimate second chance.  If you have the courage, you can bet every asset that you have.  And if you’re lucky, you might win.  If you lose, you know you can still rebuild.  Whether it’s grounded in reality or not, it’s a very American idea.  Lay The Favorite, on the other hand, can’t see beyond the glitz of the strip and the harsh concrete reality of a nearby apartment complex.  It’s portrait of Vegas is as superficial as a tourist’s postcard.  Thematically, Lay The Favorite feels as empty and predictable as its double entendre title.

On the plus side, Bruce Willis, Vince Vaughn, and Catherine Zeta-Jones all gave better performances that the film probably deserved.  Willis, especially, gives a poignant performance as temperamental, henpecked, and good-natured Dink.  Bruce Willis spent so much time as an action star that it was often overlooked that he was a very good character actor.  Even in a bad film like this one, Willis came through.

Scenes That I Love: The Making Of An Assassin From Executive Action


The Kennedy files were just released a few hours ago.  There’s supposedly either 8,000 or 80,000 of them, depending on which source you trust.  It’ll take a while for people to go through them and, to be honest, I’ll be surprised if anything new is discovered.  I’m pretty much a natural born skeptic when it comes to conspiracy theories, even though I love reading about them.

Today’s scene that I love comes from one of the first conspiracy-themed films to be made about the Kennedy assassination, 1973’s Executive Action.  In this scene, the infamous photograph of Lee Harvey Oswald holding his rifle is created.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special 1999 Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, we pay tribute to the year 1999.  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 1999 Films

Eyes Wide Shut (1999, dir by Stanley Kubrick, DP: Larry Smith)

Fight Club (1999, dir by David Fincher, DP: Jeff Cronenweth)

The Virgin Suicides (1999, dir by Sofia Coppola, DP: Edward Lachman)

The Straight Story (1999, dir by David Lynch, DP: Freddie Francis)

Film Review: Deepwater Horizon (dir by Peter Berg)


2016’s Deepwater Horizon tells the story of the 2010 explosion that led to the biggest oil spill in American history.

Owned by British Petroleum, the Deepwater Horizon was an oil rig sitting off the coast of Louisiana and Texas.  A series of explosions, which were found to be the result cost-cutting and negligence on the part of BP, killed eleven men, injured countless others, and led to an 87-day oil spill that leaked 210 million gallons of oil into the Gulf of America (or the Gulf of Mexico, as it was known back then.  I know, it can be heard to keep track).  I can still remember when the disaster happened.  It was seen as an early test of the “government-can-fix-anything” philosophy of the Obama era and it pretty much proved the opposite.  Private citizens (including Kevin Costner) offered to help and were rebuffed.  The governor of Louisiana was criticized for ordering the construction of barrier islands, even though they were more effective than was that the federal government was offering up.  The CEO of British Petroleum issued a self-pitying apology.  For a generation coming of political age in 2010, witnessing the government’s ineffective attempts to deal with the oil spill was as radicalizing a moment as the COVID lunacy would be for people coming of age in 2020.

In all the chaos surrounding the oil spill, it was often overlooked that 11 people died in the initial explosion.  In all the rightful criticism that was directed towards British Petroleum, the heroic efforts of the workers on the Deepwater Horizon, all of whom risked their lives to try to prevent the disaster from getting worse, were also often overlooked.  To an extent, Deepwater Horizon corrects that oversight, paying tribute to the men on that rig while also portraying the extent of the environmental disaster caused by BP’s negligence.

The film centers of Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) and Mike Williams (Mark Wahlberg), two engineers who attempt to warn BP execs like Donald Virdrine (John Malkovich) that cutting costs on safety will inevitably lead to disaster.  Russell, Wahlberg, and Malkovich are all ideally cast, with Russell and Wahlberg capturing the spirit of men who try to do their job well and who live their life by the philosophy of not leaving anyone behind.  Malkovich is playing a corporate stooge, the man who many people blamed for the disaster.  But, to his credit, Malkovich is able to turn Virdrine into a complex character.  Virdrine makes terrible mistakes but he never becomes one-dimensional corporate villain.  Though Deepwater Horizon is dominated by its special effects and the explosion is an undeniably intense scene, the film doesn’t forget about the human cost of the disaster.  Russell, Wahlberg, and Malkovich are supported by good performances from Ethan Suplee, Gina Rodriguez, and Kate Hudson.  (Hudson, in particular, deserves a lot of credit for making her thinly-written role into something compelling.)  Kurt Russell does such a good job of capturing Jimmy’s quiet confidence and his expertise that, the minute he’s injured by the explosion, the audience knows that Deepwater Horizon is doomed.  If even Kurt Russell can’t save the day, what hope is there?

Director Peter Berg specialized in films about ordinary people who found themselves caught up in extraordinary situations.  His well-made and earnest films — like Lone Survivor, Patriots Day, and this one — were rarely acclaimed by critics, many of whom seemed to take personal offense at Berg’s unapologetically patriotic and individualistic vision.  Personally, I appreciate Berg’s pro-American aesthetic.  At a time when we were being told that individuals didn’t matter and that everyone should be content with merely being a cog in a bigger machine, Berg’s films came along to say, “This is what team work actually means.”  It’s been five years since Berg’s last film.  Hopefully, we will get a new one soon.