Horror Film Review: Rise Of The Animals (2011, dir. Chris Wojcik)


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I think this is the only other obviously shot on digital video low budget film from the 2010s I’ve seen this year. The other being the mildly enjoyable A Portrait of Female Desperation (2012). Which by the way has a user review left by who I can only assume is the director of the movie I recently reviewed called I Married With A Vampire. Somehow I think it’s the same Jay Raskin. But this isn’t a mockumentary like that movie was. This is about killer animals.

The movie begins with a house we see through a dutch tilt. Of course that means things aren’t right. And yep, the cat tries to attack a girl so she hits it with a frying pan and destroys it in a garbage disposal. Then cut to a kid that is her son calling her on the phone because it looks like the dad has just been killed by a killer squirrel.

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The squirrel tries to chase the kid down, but he gets to a car and jumps on top of it. The mom shows up and shoots the squirrel. But that’s when the dog jumps out of the car and kills her offscreen. We are left seeing the kid hopelessly running away from the killer dog when the opening credits roll.

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Clearly, Bill Cosby failed in Leonard, Part 6 because the animals have risen to destroy us. We now meet two of our three main characters. Two idiots driving around in a car for way too long in order to pad out the film. One delivers pizzas. They were going to go to a movie, but since they apparently live in that part of Texas where GPS fails, they don’t make it. However, they do find the Slumber Party Massacre Evil Dead cabin to deliver the pizzas too. Our main idiot spots a blonde with big tits so that means a sex scene. Sort of. But first this happens.

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This is one of the dumbest sex scenes I have ever seen. All you need to know is that he loves this girl, and she is who he will be looking for during the rest of the movie. The next morning is when shit gets real. And by shit getting real, I mean puppets attacking people.

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Hey, it’s still better than the CGI birds in Birdemic (2010)! Main idiot’s friend’s sister is at the party and she’s a bit of a badass in this. In fact, the rest of the movie can be summed up as Rachel (Stephanie Motta) and the idiots travel across country as she beats up animals.

Deer problem? She electrocutes that sucker till it burns.

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Horse problem? She beats that horse to the ground with her fists and legs.

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Bear problem? She cuts it’s head off with what I think is a sword she pulled out of thin air.

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The rest of the film plays out like a zombie movie with the world crumbling around these three people as the boy and girl develop a relationship. The main idiot is trying to find the blonde because he thinks hopelessly that they are meant to be together. There’s even the crazy apocalypse DJ on the radio while they are driving.

It’s a stupid movie, don’t get me wrong, but it’s kind of fun. I really appreciated that when they could, they used actual animals or puppets. They obviously learned from those ridiculous scenes in Birdemic.

This one is fun for a bad monster movie night.

Horror Film Review: Martin (dir by George Romero)


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When I say “George Romero,” you probably immediately think of zombies.  And why not?  Night of the Living Dead is perhaps the best known zombie film ever made and Dawn of the Dead is perhaps the second best known.  Day of the Dead and Land of the Dead both have their fervent admirers.  Without the work of George Romero, there would be no Walking Dead.  Without the zombie films of George Romero, countless children would have never grown up to become horror filmmakers.  Without George Romero, there would have been no Italian zombie films, which means that I would never have fallen in love with Italian horror and I wouldn’t have been tweeting about it that day in 2010 when Arleigh asked me if I wanted to be a contributor to this website.

Seriously, we all owe a lot to the zombie films of George Romero.

And yet, interestingly enough, Romero’s best film was one that did not feature a single zombie.  In fact, it’s a film that, despite the delusions of some of its characters, does not feature a single supernatural element.  It’s definitely a horror film but the horrors of the 1978 film Martin are the horrors of the human mind.

Martin (John Amplas) is young, nervous, socially awkward, and enjoys drinking blood.  The sun makes him slightly uncomfortable, though it does not make him burst into flames.  He has frequent black-and-white flashbacks, in which he sees himself pursued by villagers carrying torches and pitchforks.  Occasionally, Martin calls up a radio talk show and has actually gained an audience of listeners, who only know him as “the Count.”  Martin believes himself to be a vampire.  Of course, he’s not.  Instead, he’s just a creepy and mentally unbalanced necrophiliac.

Unfortunately, for Martin, his extremely religious uncle Tateh Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) is also convinced that Martin is a vampire.  Martin’s parents have died and Cuda has agreed to allow Martin to live with him in the dying industrial town of Braddock, Pennsylvania.  As soon as Martin arrives, Cuda greets him as “Nosferatu” and tells him that if he kills anyone in Braddock, Cuda will pound a stake into his heart.

(Of course, what Cuda doesn’t know, is that Martin already murdered a woman during the train ride from Indiana to Pennsylvania.)

Upon arriving at his new home, Martin works at Cuda’s butcher shop and, defying his uncle’s orders, gets to know his cousin Christine (Christina Forrest).  Martin finds himself torn between his fantasy life as a vampire and the chance to lead a normal existence in Braddock.  He meets a bored housewife, Mrs. Santini (Elyane Nadeau), and soon is having an affair with her but he still finds himself driven to search for blood.

Meanwhile, Cuda watches and continues to sharpen his stake…

Martin is a dark and grim (and yet, at times, darkly humorous) portrait of two people living under a shared delusion.  Just as Martin gains satisfaction by imagining himself as being a supernatural vampire known as the Count, Cuda feels that his purpose in life is to protect the community from bloodsuckers like his nephew.  Both of them need the other to function but they’re equally destined to destroy each other.  Amplas and Maazel both give excellent performances and Romero captures a tragic sort of beauty to Braddock’s decay.

Martin may be one of Romero’s less known films but it’s also one of his best.

Horror on the Lens: He Knows You’re Alone (dir by Armand Mastroianni)


For today’s Horror on The Lens, we present 1980’s He Knows You’re Alone!

He Knows You’re Alone is an old school slasher film, which means that it’s basically about one stalking killer and a bunch of people who have absolutely no common sense.  The gimmick here is that the slasher is stalks young brides-to-be.  Admittedly, this is all pretty standard stuff, though the film does have a clever opening and features some good cinematography and —

OH MY GOD, IS THAT TOM HANKS!?

Yes, He Knows You’re Alone is the debut film of Tom Hanks and he’s so young in this film that he still has a chin.  He plays a college student named Eliot.  Nowadays, He Knows You’re Alone is usually described as “starring Tom Hanks” but actually, Tom’s role is pretty small.  But he’s still probably the most likable person in the film.

Anyway, He Knows You’re Alone is an above average slasher flick and it’s definitely not safe for work so stop watching movies while on the clock!  Wait until you get home to enjoy He Knows You’re Alone!

 

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Demon Slaughter (dir by Ryan Cavalline)


dsLike many of the films that I’ve reviewed so far this month, Demon Slaughter was included in the Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares box set.  I have to admit that the main reason I ended up watching Demon Slaughter was because it was only 62 minutes long.  Sometimes, you’re in the mood to watch an epic and sometimes, you’re in the mood to watch something that’s barely an hour long.

Anyway, Demon Slaughter was originally released in 2004 and it tells the story of Jimmy (Adam Berasi), who is some sort of criminal who apparently owes money to a bunch of other criminals.  So, naturally, Jimmy goes on a shooting rampage and kills a lot of people.  This, of course, leads to Jimmy’s girlfriend being brutally murdered.  Jimmy then flees to a cabin where he meets a red-faced demon, deals with a horde of zombies (many of who appear to be smiling as Jimmy shoots at them), and has a vision involving several naked women.  After a fairly impressive scene that features someone melting, Jimmy ends up getting into a theological discussion and the film’s final twist is revealed!

The first half of Demon Slaughter didn’t do too much for me.  There was nothing supernatural.  Instead, it was just people running around with guns, talking tough, and shooting at each other.  I imagine everyone had fun filming those scenes (boys always like to do the whole bang! bang!  You’re dead! thing) but it was kind of tedious to watch.  As well, the sound kept going in and out.  I’m not sure if that was a production issue or if it was just a problem with my DVD.

But then, once, Jimmy was in the cabin and shooting at all the zombies, the film got a bit more entertaining.  While the special effects weren’t exactly convincing, they did have a definite DIY charm to them.  Plus, that melting face was pretty cool!

Horror Film Review: The Car (dir by Elliot Silverstein)


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“THE CAR IS IN THE GARAGE” 

— Captain Wade Parent (James Brolin) in The Car (1977)

Yes, that’s right!  The car is in the garage and it’s hunting for blood!

The Car is a pretty stupid movie that doesn’t really work but at least it’s enjoyably stupid.  From the minute I started watching this movie, I knew that the only way I could recommend it would be if James Brolin shouted, “The car is in the garage!” at some point.  When he did, I had to cheer a little.  I love being able to recommend a movie.

The Car takes place in the small desert town of Santa Ynez.  Nothing much ever seems to happen in Santa Ynez, which perhaps explains why the police force is so large.  (Why wouldn’t you want to be a police officer in a town with no crime?  It wouldn’t be a very demanding job.)  Sheriff Everett Peck (John Marley) keeps the peace and sends his time talking about how much he hates bullies.  Wade Parent (James Brolin) is his second-in-command and has a 70s pornstache.  Wade’s best friend is Deputy Luke Johnson (Ronny Cox), a recovering alcoholic with impressive sideburns.  And then there’s a few dozen other cops.  Seriously, this tiny town has a HUGE police force.

One day, however, the police finally get something to do.  A black Lincoln Continental has suddenly appeared, stalking the roads around the town.  It doesn’t have a licence plate and the windows are tinted a dark red so it’s impossible to see who — if anyone — is driving.  Stranger still, the car’s doors have no handles.  When the car does show up, it seems to appear out of nowhere and once it’s run someone over, it seems to vanish just as quickly.

When the car first appears, it runs down two cyclists.  A few hours later, it kills an obnoxious hippie hitchhiker (John Rubinstein).  The only witness was alcoholic wife beater Amos Clements (R.G. Armstrong).  When Amos goes to the police, the car tries to run him over as well but instead, it ends up killing Sheriff Peck.

Now, Wade is in charge and he has to do something about the car.  Unfortunately, Wade’s girlfriend, Lauren (Kathleen Lloyd), made the mistake of screaming insults at the car when the car attempted to run down the school marching band.  Now, the car is stalking her.  Meanwhile, Luke is convinced that the car is being driven by none other than devil.  Wade says that’s impossible.  Luke points out that the car refuses to drive through consecrated ground.

And eventually, the car does show up in the garage…

The Car is one of the stupider of the many Jaws ripoffs that I’ve seen.  You’ll be rooting for the car through the entire film, which is good since the car kills nearly everyone in Santa Ynez.  (If any of them were likable, The Car wouldn’t as much fun to watch.)  It’s dumb but the film does have an appropriately silly ending and James Brolin does get to yell, “The car is in the garage!”

So, there is that.

Horror on the Lens: I Bury The Living (dir by Albert Band)


Today’s Horror on the Lens comes to use from 1958.  It’s entitled I Bury The Living and say whatever you want about the actual film, that’s a great title.

In I Bury The Living, Richard Boone plays Robert Kraft, the newly appointed chairman of a committee that oversees the local cemetery.  Through a series of unlikely events, Kraft becomes convinced that, through the use of black and white push-pins, he can control who will live and who will die.

Does Robert really have God-like powers or is something else happening?

Watch below to find out!  I Bury The Living is no Dellamorte Dellamore but it’s still an enjoyably over the top piece of cemetery mayhem.

WTF?!? Horror: Space Zombie Bingo!!! (1993, dir. George Ormrod)


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Where to start with this thing? Ever seen that movie called Sex Galaxy from 2008 that is made up of public domain footage? That’s the only other movie I can think of that resembles this film. Only difference is it that I’m pretty sure that the majority of this is original footage.

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The whole movie plays out like a 1950s sci-fi horror monster movie. Except shot in a crazy no budget manner using stock footage with crazy filters and costumes. The plot is that zombies from the evil planet Plankton are invading and incompetent military folks try and fight back while KILL-TV reports on it.

Here’s an example of one of the zombies.

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I have never heard a movie use that word so many times in my entire life. And they don’t even look like zombies. Although, there is a dissection scene and of all things, a sex scene between the hero Major Kent Bendover (William Darkow) and one of the zombies. You can even see something ejaculate during that part. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be, but it happens several times during the scene.

They even insert a spaceship into what appears to be stock footage from the Vietnam War.

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I could go on posting screenshot after screenshot of this insanity, but it’s actually available online. To tell you the truth, it actually does make some sense. I mean there is a plot. You kind of get what is going on in general, but it is one of the most messed up things I have watched in a long time.

If you dare! Or to quote Crisko, the narrator:

“You who remain are about to witness a story so terrible, so disgusting, that no living human brain can withstand it and remain sane. You will pay the ultimate price for viewing the terrible true story of zombies, zombies, zombies from outer space!”

The Daily Grindhouse: Vampire Hunter (dir by Sean Gallimore)


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Evil vampire and art gallery owner Morgan Bane (Leonardo Milan) has lived for centuries and is suffering from a nasty case of ennui.  He has grown so powerful that there simply are no more worthy opponents!

However, Morgan makes the mistake of kidnapping Heather O’Ryan (Erin Leigh).  What Morgan doesn’t know is that Heather’s husband, John O’Ryan (Sean Gallimore, who also directed this film), is not just a talented animator.  He’s also a super cool martial artist!  John is going to get his wife back and he’s going to kick a lot of vampire ass to do it!

Helping Morgan is veteran vampire hunter, Ramone (Frank Suarez).  Along with carrying a few dozen stakes, Ramone is also armed with a squirt gun full of holy water.  Ramone’s religious faith is so strong that he can repel vampires just by showing them the cross that he’s tattooed on his palm.  (That’s actually a pretty clever touch.  Why don’t all vampire hunters do that?)  John, meanwhile, is an atheist but he’s about to discover that you can’t defeat a vampire without a little faith…

Vampire Hunter was made for about $5,000 in the mid-90s but, for whatever reason, it didn’t get released until 2004.  The low-budget is obvious in every frame and so is the fact that first time director Gallimore was learning how to direct as he went along.  The film itself can be found in a few box sets (I found my copy in the Decrepit Crypt of Nightmares box set) and it’s obvious that the DVD was transferred over from a VHS tape.

But you know what?

I don’t care about the technical limitations.  I don’t care about the low-budget.  I don’t care about the less than professional acting (though I do think that Gallimore actually showed a lot of screen presence and gave a decent enough performance).  I liked Vampire Hunter.  It’s a fun movie, one that was made with a lot more sincerity than skill but, quite frankly, I think sincerity is underrated nowadays.  Watching this movie, you get the feeling that it was a labor of love on the part of Gallimore and I’m glad that — even if it took nearly ten years — he eventually got his movie released!

And really, whatever issues you may have with the film, you cannot deny that the fight scenes are handled surprisingly well for a film with a $5,000 budget.  Gallimore obviously knew what he was doing as far as the fights were concerned and, quite honestly, the fights are probably the main reason why somebody would watch a movie like Vampire Hunter in the first place.

Seriously, check out Sean Gallimore training for some vampire hunting!

Say what you will about Vampire Hunter, I hope that Sean Gallimore had fun making it and I’m happy that it was eventually released!

Hallmark Review: How To Fall In Love (2012, dir. Mark Griffiths)


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The movie begins 20 years in the past, which I guess would mean this starts in the year 1992.

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That’s Harold and Annie. Little problem here. In the present, Harold is played by Eric Mabius and Annie is played by Brooke D’Orsay. Mabius was 21 years old in 1992 and D’Orsay was only 10. Oops! Oh, well. The age difference didn’t cause any problems for me. This opening scene sets up why Harold is so down on himself in the present. He really cared for her and she just kind of wanted to have fun. All very innocent, but he took it hard.

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Cut to 20 years later and we see Harold has grown up to be Clark Kent, mild mannered account and photographer in his free time. Now we are introduced to my favorite character in the movie.

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No, not Harold’s friend who gets him to seek out a dating coach. I mean the red Bluetooth headset on his head. I’m pretty sure he wears that thing in all but his last scene in the movie. Sorry, but that thing made me laugh every time it appeared onscreen. Especially since we only see him use it once in the entire movie.

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Now we meet the modern day Annie. She lives with her sister and is out of work. Her sister gives her a swift kick in the butt and she gets a job as a waitress.

After Harold and Annie run into each other a couple of times and Annie finds out he’s looking for a dating coach, she offers her services. You all know where this goes after this.

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Well, I mean besides another great appearance by the Bluetooth headset. She agrees to take him through eight lessons on dating. Although, I swear I missed Lesson 2 somehow. Thankfully, one of the first lessons is getting rid of those glasses. It’s not the glasses themselves, but combined with the way Mabius acts, we keep thinking of Clark Kent. Once he gets rid of them he’s basically like his character in Signed, Sealed, Delivered except not wound tighter than a drum. The rest of the lessons get him into a relationship that isn’t really right for him while moving him closer and closer to Annie.

The only real problem I had with this movie for a while was D’Orsay. She is kind of the living embodiment of bubbling champagne. That was a bit of a problem because of the way they introduce her character. It makes it difficult to warm up to her rather than see her as kind of a shallow conman. Luckily, at least for me, that started to fade and she became lovable. Honestly, I think the credit goes to D’Orsay because my impression of her seemed to change at the right points in the plot.

There is also a nice little supporting role from Kathy Najimy as Annie’s waitress friend.

These two aren’t on caliber with Kavan Smith and Kellie Martin as far as Hallmark couples go, but they’re much better than the usual. I can say I recommend this one.

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I just wish this movie would have given me that much needed resolution I hoped for concerning the Bluetooth headset. At least in Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) we do see Max get that ridiculous thing off his face. I wanted the story behind what happened to this thing. Too bad.

Hallmark Review: Straight From The Heart (2003, dir. David S. Cass Sr.)


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You know what the best part of Straight From The Heart is for me?

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It’s that I’m almost 100% positive that’s the director David S. Cass Sr. With this movie, I will have seen 15 of his Hallmark movies. It’s nice to finally put a face with the name. The reason being that they refer to him as Mr. Cass in the movie.

Correction: According to a commenter identifying themselves as David S. Cass Sr. himself, that is most certainly NOT a picture of him.

Anyways, he’s asking a photographer named Jordan Donovan (Teri Polo) if she likes garbage, not because her photos are garbage, but because she likes taking pictures of garbage. Work isn’t going well for her. Now we are introduced to a cowboy named Tyler Ross (Andrew McCarthy). Friends and family of these two decide to play matchmaker and with an ad in Country Connections, Jordan is in now in the country with Tyler.

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Honestly, there is less to talk about here than most. Sure there are details. He lost a wife and child. There is an issue with wild horses and his property that has ties back to his father in law from the now dead wife. Jordan was proposed to, sort of, before she came to the country. By sort of, I mean he asked her to move in with him, but not marriage.

None of that is really too important. What you have here is the cowboy who is damaged. A photographer who is a little lost both in her work and personal life. Then you have this little matchmaking scheme that gets them to spend some time together. They go through a series of different experiences together developing a friendship.

This is one of those really early Hallmark movies so it looks good. You can tell more money went into this then the stuff you see nowadays on the channel. That also means it’s one of those that censors itself. Twice, Jordan says the word “butt” and it falls silent on the word. It’s still in the captions though.

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The acting is good too. In fact, I would be recommending this as one of the best one’s I have seen if it didn’t have one problem that really bothers me. I don’t really see any reason that these two people should end up together as lovers. It doesn’t make sense. It makes perfect sense that they should end up as close friends, but asking me to buy them as lovers feels as genuine as if she were a mail order bride and they just lived happily ever after. I see these two people as having helped to heal each other, not fell in love with each other. That part felt forced to me. Especially the ending where it almost felt like he shows up just out of obligation to the script.

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If that part doesn’t bother you, then this is worth seeing. It certainly is one of the best looking Hallmark movies I’ve seen.