The next episode of Hammer House of Horror is The House That Bled To Death but I’ve decided not to share it for this Halloween because it features the death of a kitty and I’m kind of tired of pets dying in horror films. It’s an effective and scary episode, though. It’s on YouTube so if you want to watch it, feel free.
Moving right along, tonight’s episode is CharlieBoy. Graham (Leigh Lawson) and his wife Sarah (Angela Bruce) inherit an statue that they don’t realize also doubles as a really big voodoo doll. After stabbing the statue a bit too many times, Graham comes to realize that he’s accidentally condemned almost everyone he knows to death, including both him and his wife. Thanks to the fast-paced director of Robert Young and the committed performances of the cast, this is an entertainingly macabre episode. It originally aired on October 18th, 1980.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, we start the fifth and final season of Miami Vice.
Episode 5.1 “Hostile Takeover”
(Dir by Don Johnson, originally aired on November 4th, 1988)
The fifth and final season of Miami Vice gets off to a good start with this episode. After opening with some appropriately glitzy scenes of the drug-fueled Miami nightlife, the episode then shows us that Sonny Crockett is still convinced that he’s Sonny Burnett. He has now returned to Miami and, along with Cliff King (Matt Frewer), he is one of the key advisors to drug lord Oscar Carrera (Joe Santos).
Carrera is at war with El Gato (Jon Polito), the brother of Sonny Burnett’s former employer, Miguel Manolo. El Gato, who wears gold lamé, cries over the body of one of his henchmen, and flinches when forced to deal with direct sunlight, is a flamboyant figure. In fact, he’s so flamboyant that it’s initially easy to overlook how determined he is to get revenge for the death of his brother. That means taking down the Carreras family and Sonny Burnett as well.
The Vice Squad knows that Sonny is moving up in the drug underworld but Castillo is firm when asked what they should do about it. Sonny has an active warrant out for murdering a corrupt cop. “Sonny’s not Sonny anymore,” Tubbs says at one point and Castillo seems to agree.
Tubbs goes undercover, making contact with the Carreras cartel. When Sonny meets Tubbs, Tubbs introduces himself as “Ricardo Cooper” and starts speaking in his terribly unconvincing Jamaican accent and that was when I said, “Miami Vice is back!” Sonny doesn’t trust Cooper from the start. “Maybe you’re a cop,” Sonny says. “Not I, mon,” Tubbs replies.
People are dying and, while Sonny doesn’t have a problem with that, the show is also careful to show that Sonny only shoots in self-defense. (It appears the most of the cold-blooded murders are farmed out to Cliff King.) When Oscar Carreras dies, it’s because his poofy-haired son (Anthony Crivello) accidentally shot him when Oscar discovered him with his stepmother. When the son dies, it’s because he was about to shoot Sonny after he caught Sonny with …. his stepmother, again. The Carreras family is so dysfunctional that it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Sonny steps up to take it over.
After promising Castillo that he’ll take out Sonny if necessary, Tubbs meets up with Sonny at beach-side tower. Tubbs looks at Sonny and suddenly says, “Sonny, it’s me, Rico.” Sonny stare at Tubbs. “Do you remember me?” Tubbs asks.
“Sure,” Sonny suddenly says, “You’re Tubbs.”
Three gunshots ring out as the episode ends.
OH MY GOD, DID SONNY KILLS TUBBS!?
We’ll find out next week. For now, I’ll say that — after a disappointing fourth season — this was exactly how Miami Vice needed to start things off for Season 5. Seriously, if you’re going to have Sonny get hit with amnesia, you might as well just go for it and take things to their logical extreme.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
This week, Ashley learns her father’s secret.
Episode 1.8 “Secrets & Lies”
(Dir by Bruce McDonald, originally aired on May 6th, 2002)
This is a landmark episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation for two reasons.
First off, it’s the first episode to establish that Liberty has a crush on J.T. Liberty’s unrequited crush was one of the show’s early storyline and, to be honest, it was frequently one of the more annoying storylines. Liberty was always a rather flat character and she and J.T. never really made much sense as a couple. (Yes, they did eventually become a couple.) Of course, watching this episode today, all I can think about is the fact that, in the far future, J.T. is going to die in Liberty’s arms after being stabbed in the back by a student from a rival high school. Much as with Degrassi High, knowing what the future holds adds a layer of poignance to these early episodes that they otherwise wouldn’t have.
As for this episode, J.T. tries to get Liberty to leave him alone by pretending to be gay. He gets this idea after Toby informs him that Ashley’s father, the dashing Robert Kerwin (Andrew Gillies), has come out of the closet.
The majority of this episode deals with Ashley struggling to accept that her father is gay. Again, this is another storyline that becomes far more poignant if you already know that Robert is eventually going to marry his partner Christopher and Ashley’s boyfriend is going to have a mental breakdown at the wedding.
This episode actually did a very good job of realistically portraying Ashley’s initial reaction to learning that her father’s gay. Ashley is confused and, as she was still hoping that her parents would eventually get back together, she feels betrayed. It’s an honest reaction and probably not the sort of thing you would ever see on television today, where our idealized protagonists almost always have the right response from the start. The fact that the show deals honestly with Ashley’s emotions makes her eventual acceptance of her father’s sexuality all the more poignant.
This episode deals very sensitively deals with Robert’s coming out and Andrew Gillies and Melissa McIntyre both deserve a lot of credit for their performances. (Remember, this episode aired in 2002, at a time when gay characters were almost always portrayed as either being comedy relief or helpless victims.) I do have to admit that there is one rather clunky line in this episode. It comes when Ashley asks Robert if he has a boyfriend and Robert tells her about his partner, Christopher. Ashley’s next line (and Melissa McIntyre’s overdramatic delivery of it) always makes me laugh despite myself:
Aside from that line and all of the cringey stuff involving J.T. and Liberty (and, admittedly, that is a lot to overlook), this was a sensitive and well-handled episode.
In the fourth episode of Hammer House of Horror, Gary Bond plays a scientist whose son dies after eating some toxic proteins that just happened to be lying around the lab. The scientist’s wife (Barbara Kellerman) goes down to the local orphanage to collect a new son but this new kid turns out to be more than a little creepy.
This bizarre episode originally aired, in the UK, on October 4th, 1980. A quick warning: This episode does feature some dead rabbits. I like rabbits so that bothered me a bit, even though it made sense in the context of the story.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC! It can be viewed on Peacock.
This week, the sniper shootings continue.
Episode 4.9 “Sniper, Part Two”
(Dir by Darnell Martin, originally aired on January 12th, 1996)
Despite the suicide of William Mariner, people in Baltimore are still falling victim to a sniper who attacks every eight hours. All of the detectives, many of whom have just returned home from spending several sleepless days and nights investigating the first sniper, are called back in. At first, Pembleton and Bayliss suspect that Mariner must have had an accomplice. However, when a strange young man named Alex Robey (David Eigenberg) just happens to be at the scene of two separate shootings, it becomes clear that the second sniper is just a copycat who is looking for attention.
It’s quite a contrast between William Mariner, who lived in an upper class neighborhood and who died without revealing his motivations, and Alex Robey, who lives in a rowhouse and who reveals that he was obsessed with Mariner’s crimes. It’s a reminder that some murderers are easier to figure out than others. The detectives will never know what caused Mariner to snap. But Robey? Robey’s just desperate for attention.
Recently demoted Megan Russert works with the Squad, despite Barnfather ordering Giardello to keep her away from the case. (Wisely, Giardello ignores Barnfather.) By pretending to be sympathetic to his resentment over being treated as a “nobody,” Russert plays a key role in Robey eventually confessing to being the sniper. The episode makes it clear that Russert is going to become the latest member of the Homicide squad. That’s fine but I do sometimes wish that this show could introduce a new detective without having them miraculously solve the big case. This season started with Kellerman displaying detective skills that he has not displayed in any episode since. This week, it was Russert’s turn to suddenly be the greatest detective this side of Frank Pembleton. It makes me miss the relative realism of the earlier seasons, where even the best detectives sometimes struggled. Bayliss failing to close the case of Adena Watson was one of the defining events of Homicide’s first season. If Adena had died during the fourth season, there’s no way the Arraber would have gotten away with it.
With Alex Robey confessing to being the second sniper, it looks like maybe the people of Baltimore are actually going to break from being shot at people on rooftops. Good for them, they deserve a break.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which ran on the Disney Channel from 1988 to 1989 before then moving to NBC and being renamed Saved By The Bell. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, Miss Bliss takes over the school.
Episode 1.12 “Clubs and Cliques”
(Dir by Burt Brinckerhoff, originally aired on March 11th, 1989)
Mr. Belding is teaching Miss Bliss’s class!
Why?
Well, the answer doesn’t make much sense but here it is. The School Board has ordered Belding to name one of the teachers as an “assistant principal” who can be in charge whenever he’s out of the building. Most schools just hire an assistant principal but whatever. Maybe this is an Indiana thing. Since there are only three teachers to choose from and one of them is the mad scientist who wanted to force Nikki to dissect a frog, Mr. Belding goes with Miss Bliss. But, before Miss Bliss can officially have the job, she has to serve as a principal for a week. Belding covers her class.
At first, Mr. Belding is nervous. But, by the end of the class period, he’s thrilled. He tells Miss Bliss that he thinks he did a wonderful job and that the kids really got something out of it.
“Mr. Belding,” Miss Bliss replies, “it’s only homeroom.”
Okay, I’m just going to say it …. WHAT A BITCH! Seriously, how condescending can one person be? This is who you want to make principal? Is this how you motivate people? Again, this is why I cannot stand Miss Bliss. Seriously, if anyone ever said that to her — “It’s only homeroom,” — she would have rightly been offended.
(Then again, I have to wonder whether or not Mr. Belding’s ever taught a class before. This episode seems to imply that he hasn’t. Was that a common thing with principals back in the 80s?)
Miss Bliss has a lot to deal with because it’s pledge week. Apparently, the coolest club at JFK Middle School is the Rigma club and Zach has been told by Rick (J. Trevor Edmond) and Trevor (Christopher Carter) that he can wear a Rigma jacket if he’s mean to all of his friends. Zach calls Lisa’s parents and let them know that she wears makeup in school. He throws ice cream at Nikki’s sweater. He reveals that Mikey has a crush. He calls Screech a “nothing.” He loses all of his friends and then he finds out that he wasn’t even being considered for Rigma membership. Instead, it was all a big joke on the part of Rick and Trevor.
Now, to give credit where credit is due, Mark-Paul Gosselaar did a pretty good job playing up Zach’s regret after he realized he had lost all of his friends for nothing. The episode is interesting because it shows a side of Zach that would totally disappear over the course of Saved By The Bell. In this episode, Zach is insecure and desperate to belong. By the time Saved By The Bell really got going, it had been established that Zach had no insecurities and was automatically loved by everyone he met. Insecure Zach is infinitely more compelling but a bit less fun than confident Zach. Watching this episode, it’s hard to believe we’re watching the same Zach Morris who will eventually lie about a being a descendant of Chief Joseph.
Things work out in the end. His friends forgive Zach. Even more importantly, Miss Bliss gets in trouble for not calling and asking for permission from the Board of Education before giving everyone everything they wanted. “She’s not perfect,” Belding chuckles. You got that right, Mr. Belding!
For the most part, I’ve spent this week watching horror movies and reviewing them. That said, I did get caught up with a handful of shows. Here are a few thoughts:
Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)
I got pretty bored with Abbott last season but I still caught the season five premiere this week. I laughed quite a bit so I guess I’m going to give the latest season a chance. The show got a bit heavy-handed last season and I got bored with all of the golf course nonsense. Hopefully, this season will put the focus back on teaching.
Big Brother 27 (Sunday Night, CBS)
BigBrother ended on Sunday and I’ve already forgotten all about it. That’s the way things should be.
Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, Fox)
I got caught up with the latest two episodes of Hell’s Kitchen. The men seem to be especially incompetent this season. I know that every season seems to start out with the men weak and the women strong before reversing things later on but seriously, this season, I wouldn’t want any of these people cooking for me.
Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)
I decided to give Law & Order another try this season. (Last season, I stopped watching about halfway through.) Of course, when I watched the first two episodes of the current season, the first thing I saw was Price on the verge of tears. Is there ever a time when Nolan Price isn’t on the verge of tears? Just as with the previous season, I preferred the Law to the Order part of the show. If Maroun and Price are always miserable about having to do this jobs, why are they even working for the District Attorney’s office to begin with? Ever since this show was revived, we’ve had a steady stream of new detectives and yet Price and Maroun are still the same colorless characters that they were when they first appeared.
The Prisoner (Night Flight Plus)
I watched two episodes of this cult classic on Friday. My favorite character is Rover.
Seinfeld (Netflix)
Kramer starts a talk show in his living room. It made me laugh!
Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test (Thursday Night, Fox)
Yet another group of celebrities have gathered to see if they can pass Special Forces training. I watched the first two episodes this week. I laughed when one of the instructors yelled, “How badly do you want this!?” They probably just want their paycheck. I also laughed at Jussie Smollett, trying to make a comeback as one of the celebs. What if Smollett wins this season and is sent to Afghanistan with orders to take down the Taliban? That would be a hell of a redemption arc!
The Young and the Restless (Weekday Morning, CBS)
I watched an episode on Monday, largely to see if Victor was still around. He was.
In the third episode of Hammer House of Horror, Denholm Elliott plays an estate agent who finds himself having a series of nightmares about his wife (Pat Heywood) and his secretary (Lucy Gutteridge) and a murder that may or may not have happened on Friday the 13th. This episode is an enjoyably surreal trip into the subconscious.
In the UK, Rude Awakening originally aired on September 27th, 1980.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be purchased on Tubi.
Today, I start a new series of reviews. Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch. All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….
“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”
(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)
It’s not easy being a lifeguard.
That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch. Consider the drama:
Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call). Hobie doesn’t like going to school. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father. Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues. He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard. His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that. Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks. Ewwww. You have to wear socks, Mitch!
Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard. He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system. Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl. Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard. I bet it’s never happened to Mitch. Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself. Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.
Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.
Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”
Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower. Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower. He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick). Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him. When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her. Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht). This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.
This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages. Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks. Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out. Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.
And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success. The beach scenery is nice. The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it. Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention. It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.
Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit. Baywatch followed. We’ll get into that next week.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Plex!
This week, there’s a new threat in town!
Episode 1.11 “Do Dreams Bleed?”
(Dir by Dwight H. Little, originally aired on January 8th, 1989)
There’s a new serial killer in Springwood!
We don’t really learn much about the Chopper, other than he attacks people with an axe. When the episode begins, high school football star John Warring (Damon Martin) is dealing with dual trauma of having not only found the Chopper’s latest victim but also being the number one suspect. His grades start to slip. (As was so often the case on this show, his parents are conveniently out-of-town.) He fears that he’s going to lose his girlfriend, Roni (Sarah Buxton). Not even John’s coach, Coach Gacey (Jeff McCarthy), is much help. That’s probably because Coach Gacey actually is the Chopper, not that anyone figures that out. Driven mad by his dreams, John finds himself being taken away to an asylum.
(Really? Coach Gacey? He should have been the number one suspect based on his name alone.)
The second half of the episode follows Ronni as she now starts to have nightmares. She wants to believe that John is innocent but her dreams indicate that she has her doubts. Eventually, John escapes from prison and is able to save Ronni from Coach Gacey. However, when the police arrive, they just assume that Coach Gacey was trying to save Ronni and that John is the Chopper. Ronni is so shaken by the entire experience that she no longer knows what’s true and what’s not.
Wow, that’s dark!
This was actually a pretty good episode. For once the two stories had coherent plots, with Ronni’s story logically building off of John’s. The dream sequences were effectively creepy, director Dwight Little kept the action moving at a good pace, and even the dark ending felt earned as opposed to forced on the narrative. I would have liked to have heard Freddy’s thoughts on Springwood having a new serial killer (instead, during the host segments, Freddy just did his usual bad jokes) but otherwise, this was a surprisingly good episode.
Through the Shattered Lens 