Hi, everyone! Jeff and I have been up at Lake Texoma since Monday and I really haven’t watched much television. I’ve been taking advantage of this vacation to get some much needed rest so my watching has pretty much been limited to the shows that I write about, like Big Brother and the shows that I watch for this site’s retro television reviews.
Big Brother 25 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)
I wrote about Big Brother here! This season has been pretty dire but things are looking up this week, with Cameron winning Head of Household in an upset and targeting the production favorites. For the past few seasons, both Survivor and Big Brother has suffered from the heavy hand of production protecting their favorites and helping certain players steamroll their way to the end. It’s led to both shows getting pretty dull. Cameron winning HoH not only shocked the House but it also probably shocked production and, interestingly enough, Cameron didn’t mention a word about who he was nominating until he actually did it. Cameron seems to understand that he’s not only playing against the other houseguests but production as well. It’s been a while since I’ve seen the online Big Brother fandom as excited as they are for this week.
On Friday night and Saturday morning, I watched two episodes of this old 80s television show. The first episode was about “Goth Rock,” and I enjoyed it quite a bit. The second episode was about heavy metal and featured a profile of the band Def Leppard.
Having thoroughly loved watching Yes, Minister on PBS, I am very happy that they are now showing the sequel, Yes, Prime Minister. I watched the first episode on Monday morning. Three days into his premiership, Jim Hacker (Paul Eddington) tried to cement his legacy by reforming the UK’s nuclear defense system and re-introducing conscription. Fortunately, Sir Humphrey (Nigel Hawthorne) was able to distract the Prime Minister by arranging for him to get a cook for his new residence. Listening to Eddington, Hawthrone, and Derek Fowlds exchange snappy dialogue is a wonderful experience.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the Sweathogs meet John Astin and Gabe goes to the doctor!
Episode 2.5 “The Museum”
(Dir by Bill Davis, originally aired on October 28th, 1976)
Mr. Woodman steps out of his office, just to find Gabe waiting for him.
“Mr. Woodman,” Gabe says, “did I ever tell you about the black sheep of my family?”
“I thought that was you,” Woodman replies.
Wow! Woodman has clearly already won this exchange but Gabe still proceeds to tell Mr. Woodman about his Uncle Lefty Kotter, who was a gambler. Mr. Woodman dramatically sighs and walks out of the office. See, Gabe, not everyone’s as patient as Julie.
After the opening credits, we find Gabe and Julie preparing the Sweathogs for a field trip to the Museum of Natural History. Barbarino is super excited because he’s never been to a real museum before. He explains that he did go to a wax museum once. “I saw Raquel Welch,” Barbarino explains, “Did you know that wax come right off in your hands?”
When Mr. Woodman comes out of his office to complain about the Sweathogs being taken off campus, Epstein explains that they’ve decide to take Woodman to the museum with them. Freddie announces that Woodman is going to be his field trip buddy. Personally, I think it would be fun to go on a field trip with Mr. Woodman because Mr. Woodman is clearly insane.
When the Sweathogs reach the museum, it actually looks a lot like one of those “horror dungeon museums” that always seem to pop up around Halloween.
Arnold is frightened of the museum and tosses a bunch of salt over his shoulder and into Epstein’s eyes. (Yes, Arnold is carrying a salt shaker with him.) Gabe asks the museum curator, Mr. Gore (John Astin), to assure Arnold that there is no reason to be scared. Mr. Gore explains that his name is pronounced “Gor-ay,” and then says that there are powers in the world about which one should not joke. “There are forces here,” Gore explains, “that do not appreciate one-liners!” Uh-oh, Gabe’s in trouble!
Barbarino and Freddie are also in trouble because they’ve entered an exclusive room that is home to an Egyptian mummy!
“This room is for VIPs only!” Mr. Gore declares.
“I am a VIP,” Barbarino protests. “I’m a Very Italian Person.”
Mr. Gore agrees to show the Sweathogs the Egyptian room on the condition that they touch nothing. “Or else you’ll risk the wrath of the pharohs!” Julie proceeds to say that the mummy doesn’t look a day over 2500 years old. Gabe jokes about the Mummy being named Pew. Mr. Gore, having grown annoyed, dares Gabe to open a cursed sarcophogus and risk the Mummy coming back to life. Gabe opens it, just to have Horshack step out of it.
“Hello,” Horshack says, “how are ya?”
Gore faints. Woodman announces that it’s time for the Sweathogs to return to the school. One problem, the door to the Egyptian room has slammed shut and cannot be opened. “Its the Curse of Pew!” a delirious Gore says.
Gabe explains that they’ll probably be trapped in the room until the next morning and then proceeds to give a mock eulogy for Pew The Mummy.
“We’re doomed!” Woodman shouts, “All doomed!”
Mr. Gore finally wakes up and says that he’s sure the curator will come to their rescue.
“Mr. Gor-ay,” Gabe says, “You’re the curator”
“How unfortunate,” Gore replies.
With everyone trapped in the Egyptian Room together, Horshack worries that he’ll never get a chance to meet Marie Osmond. When Gabe notices that there’s an air duct that someone could crawl through to get help, Horshack volunteers. Unfortunately, it turns out that the air duct just circles around the room so Horshack returns and continues to think about becoming an Osmond.
“I may be dying,” Woodman yells, “But I’m taking you Sweathogs with me! The mummy is going to get us if we don’t get out!”
Mr. Gore suggests that the Mummy might be satisfied with a human sacrifice. Woodman calls for Horshack to come over.
Fortunately, Epstein says that he’s seen enough home repair shows to know how to find “the stress part” of the door and open it. He taps on the door and …. it opens! The audience goes wild, even if it does seem like kind of an anticlimactic way to end the episode. But at least Epstein got to be the hero for once.
This episode was cartoonish, even by the standards of Welcome Back Kotter, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that this episode aired three days before Halloween. This was a holiday episode and I imagine it was a lot of fun when viewed on a dark and stormy night in 1976.
Episode 2.6 “Gabe Under Pressure”
(Dir by Jay Sandrich, originally aired on November 4th, 1976)
Julie brings Gabe his lunch.
“Did I ever tell you about my uncle who thought he was a horse?” Gabe asks. He proceeds to tell her about him. Julie smiles tolerantly.
As for the main storyline, the free clinic (where Julie volunteers) is offering free physicals at Buchanan High. Gabe expects the Sweathogs to take advantage of the offer but he himself refuses to go to the doctor to find out why he has a pain in his chest. It turns out that Gabe is scared of doctors! The Sweathogs are concerned enough to show up at Gabe’s apartment. Barbarino tries to take Gabe’s pulse. When Gabe asks if Barbarino knows what he’s doing, Barbarino replies, “I know it like the back of my hand.” Barbarino then gets distracted by the back of his hand.
Touched by the concern of his students, Gabe conquers his fear and sees the doctor. Gabe discovers he is okay and everyone watching learns a lesson about getting a regular check-up. It’s a pretty simple episode, one that is probably most interesting for having aired two days after the 1976 presidential election. Kotter went to the doctor and Carter went to the White House but Mr. Woodman stayed right where he was.
Later, with the physical having been completed, Gabe tells Mr. Woodman, “You have to hear about my Uncle Kermit Kotter!”
“No, I don’t, Kotter!” Woodman replies.
Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit always used to walk by a bakery and he would see a woman hitting her son with a loaf of bread. One day, Uncle Kermit walked by and the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake. Gabe says that his Uncle Kermit asked why the woman was hitting her son with a chocolate cake and….
“And the woman says because it’s his birthday,” Woodman replies, “I already heard it, Kotter.”
Seriously, John Sylvester White was a national treasure.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, T.S. insults the national sport of Canada and Amy battles city hall.
Episode 1.9 “On Ice”
(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on March 7th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Decker is forced to face the truth about a long-time friend.”
Though T and T took place in a generic city, the show itself was filmed in Canada, with a largely Canadian cast and crew. Hence, it only makes sense that the show would eventually do an episode that centered around hockey. This episode opens with Mr. T’s friend, Decker (David Nerman), coaching a junior hockey game. While the players skate on the ice and chase the puck, Decker deals with fans like the loud Mrs. Mowby (Jayne Eastwood), who is apparently convinced that she knows better how to coach the team than the actual coach! Unfortunately, Decker is yanked out of the game by two detectives who announce that he is under arrest for “theft of over $2,000.”
After T.S. Turner and Amy bails Decker out of jail, Amy explains that it appears that over $25,000 has been embezzled from the Junior Hockey Association. Decker admits to being the association’s treasurer but he also admits to not being good at numbers. He explains that his old friend, Goldie Stanski (played by Sean McCann), usually goes over the books for him.
“Goldie?” T.S. growls, “You trusted a guy named Goldie!?”
Decker explains that Goldie has been his friend for years. Goldie was his former coach! And, indeed, when Mrs. Mowby demands that Decker be kicked out of the Junior Hockey League, Goldie argues that Decker has not been convicted of anything, not that it does Decker much good. However, Detective Jones (Ken James) informs T.S. that “word on the street” is that Goldie has a gambling addiction.
Decker takes T.S. to his next practice and introduces T.S. to the team. They ask T.S. if he’s going to join them on the ice.
“No thanks, brothers,” T.S. replies, “I don’t play no sport when you can get frostbitten indoors. Besides, I think hockey’s an old ladies’ game …. Look at the ton of equipment you guys wear!”
After practice, Decker is arrested for a second time after the detectives, having gotten an anonymous tip, search his locker and just happen to find a bus ticket that leads to a bag full of money. Fortunately, Amy is able to bail him out of jail again, much to the relief of her spacey administrative assistant, Sophie (Catherine Disher), who has a crush on Decker.
T.S. has decided that Goldie is setting up Decker. Now, he just has to get Goldie to give himself away.
“I think with a little persuasion,” T.S. tells Amy, “he might do something foolish …. Friendly persuasion, of course!”
T.S.’s style of persuasion is to show up in Goldie’s apartment and tell him that everyone knows what Goldie’s done while drinking a glass of milk. “Thanks for the milk,” T.S. growls before leaving. When Goldie responds by going to the gym and pocketing more money from the hockey’s charity fund, Amy, T.S., and Decker are there to chase him out on the ice and catch him. If you’ve ever wanted to see Mr. T drive a Zamboni, this is the episode for you.
Decker’s name is cleared and he’s re-instated as coach. Yay!
This was a totally predictable episode but I kind of liked it. Mr. T on a Zamboni was just a ludicrous enough image to make the entire show work.
Episode 1.10 “The Latest Development”
(Dir by George Mihalka, aired on March 14th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Amy and I fight City Hall …. and City Hall fights back!”
When a dumb, 13 year-old kid named Nick (Toby Proctor) breaks into a construction site and takes a bulldozer for a joyride, he accidentally destroys a truck. The owner of the site, Enzo Malec (George Touliatos), is determined to throw the book at Nick because he’s an evil developer and he wants both Nick and his grandmother, Cora (Helen Hughes), out of their home.
It turns out that one of Amy’s former classmates, Brian Brack (Richard Comar), works in the city’s legal department so she heads down to City Hall in an attempt to guilt him into allowing Cora to stay in her home. For once, we actually get to see Amy doing legal work, which basically amounts to wandering around with a file folder and rolling her eyes while having conversations with other people.
Meanwhile, T.S. takes Nick down to the construction site and convinces Malec to let Nick work off his debt as a construction worker. T.S. arranges for Cora to move in with gospel-singing Aunt Martha (Jackie Richardson) while Nick moves in with Decker.
Suddenly, building inspectors show up at Amy’s office and start searching for violations. “Brian Brack is responsible for this, isn’t he!?” Amy says, while the inspectors write her up for not having a window that opens quickly enough. That’s a $2,000 fine! Upon discovering that they are now going to war with city hall, T.S. tells Amy, “This could be a title bout!”
Amy confronts Brian at a fancy restaurant and tells him that she has discovered that he has invested in Enzo Malec’s development. She demands to know who he and Malec paid off at city hall. Brian tells Amy that she doesn’t know who she is missing with. Amy responds by tossing a drink on him. In a case of amazing timing, Alderman Kent (Mark Walker) shows up and asks if Amy is going to be joining him and Brian for lunch. Hmmm …. I wonder who the corrupt politician could be.
Meanwhile, T.S. and Decker help Nick deal with his anger by training him to box.
“I know how to fight!” Nick says.
“To win, you need a strategy,” T.S. replies.
T.S. proceeds to knock down a 13 year-old.
While T.S. is teaching Nick how to fight, the city is threatening to shut down Aunt Jackie’s foster home! When T.S. finds out, he puts on his dark jacket and starts to head off to City Hall so he can presumably beat up the mayor. Instead, Amy convinces him to hold off by revealing that Brian and Alderman Kent have been taking bribes from Enzo Malec. When T.S. heads down to the construction site, Malec panics and, later that night, he tries to burn a bunch of incriminating files. However, it turns out that he’s being filmed by Amy and the local news.
And that apparently fixes the whole thing!
This episode felt rushed as it basically only had 30 minutes to deal with an hour’s worth of complications. It only took one boxing lesson for Nick to let go of his anger and it only took one confrontation with T.S for Enzo Malec to make one sloppy mistake. That said, I appreciate any episode that portrays municipal government as being thoroughly corrupt and irredeemable. Fight the system!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing South Central, which aired, for 10 episodes, on Fox in 1994. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Andre is nearly killed while riding the bus and Joan is embarrassed by her new employer.
Episode 1.3 “RTD”
(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on April 19th, 1994)
It’s Andre’s day to watch Deion but when Joan sees Andre’s report card and discovers that Andre failed one class and came close to failing several others, she orders him to go all the way to Inglewood to see his “mentor,” Ray (played by Ken Page). Because Joan has to go to work and there’s no one around who can drive Andre all the way across town, she gives Andre permission to ride the bus. However, she also orders him to sit in front, where it’s safe. Joan then tells Tasha that she’s going to have to give up her day to look after Deion. Tasha gets angry, wondering why she’s the one having to give up her freedom when she’s also the one who actually gets good grades and “doesn’t need a mentor to keep (her) from messing up (her) life.”
I have two thoughts about this.
First off, Tasha is absolutely right to be upset. Why did Joan adopt Deion when she was already financially struggling and she had two children to raise? The show suggests that Joan adopted Deion because she needed a replacement for Marcus but still, it does seem like the responsibility for looking after Deion falls on Tasha much more often than it does on Andre. When Tasha says that she feels that she’s punished for being responsible, she has a point. Obviously, someone has to look after Deion but Joan could, at the very least, acknowledge that the whole situation isn’t easy for Tasha.
Secondly, I have to admit that I’ve always taken the idea of riding the bus for granted. Of course, it’s not something that I do on a regular basis but, whenever I have been on a bus, I’ve felt safe and the only thing that really worried me was dealing with motion sickness. One of the things that South Central did so well was it showed how the experiences that I, as someone living in the suburbs, take for granted (like being able to safely ride a bus) are far different for people living in neighborhoods that are dealing with poverty and crime.
Andre and his friend Rashad, for instance, defy Joan and sit in the back of the bus, where they are eventually confronted by two gang members who steal Rashad’s radio. When Andre tries to stand up to them, one of them pulls a gun on him. Rashad escapes by jumping out the bus’s back window and probably the only thing that saves Andre’s life is that the gunman’s friend recognizes him as being Marcus’s brother. In the second episode, a friend of Marcus’s gave Andre money. In this episode, another one of Marcus’s friends saves Andre’s life. Marcus may be dead but his name still carries some power and it’s hard not to compare the respect that Marcus commands with Joan having to take a job bagging groceries just to keep her home.
Andre finally does reach Ray’s home and is immediately impressed with Ray’s big house, his big TV, and his stereo equipment. (He is less impressed with what’s playing on Ray’s radio, asking Ray why he’s listening to “white music.”) Ray tells Andre that the only way he’ll ever have a decent home is if he improves his grades and goes to college. Andre, however, is more interested in Nicole (Maia Campbell), who comes from a wealthy family and who works, “after school,” as Ray’s administrative assistant. When Andre hears that Nicole wants to go to Princeton, Andre decides that he wants to go there too.
Ray is hesitant to give Nicole’s number to Andre, which Andre takes to mean that Ray thinks that Andre isn’t good enough to date a girl from an upper class family. However, the next day, Ray has a change of heart and invites Andre to come to church with him and Nicole’s family. An excited Andre agrees but, unfortunately, this means taking the bus once again. When the guy who previously pulled a gun on him sees Andre on the bus, he not only beats up Andre but also steals his good church shoes.
Andre shows up at Ray’s house, bloody and barefoot. It’s not the best way for Andre to meet Nicole’s parents. When Nicole promises that she’ll check on how Andre is doing after church, Nicole’s mother responds, “No, you won’t.” Ouch!
Ray takes Andre home where Joan announces that Andre is no longer allowed to ride the bus, regardless of how he feels about Nicole. Andre, having paid Nicole’s cousin five dollars for her number, calls Nicole and promises her that they’ll see each other, regardless of what their parents think.
This was a strong episode. It can be easy to get annoyed with Andre, who tends to talk a big game but, watching this episode, it’s obvious that he’s perhaps the most naïve character on the show. The only male role model that he has in his life is Ray and, as this episode makes clear, Ray is well-meaning but doesn’t exactly understand the realities that Andre has to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I mean, what’s the point of having a mentor if there’s a good chance you’re going to get killed trying to visit him? Andre refuses to surrender and rides the bus a second time in order to see Nicole and he gets mugged for his trouble. With the whole world seeming to be against him, who can be surprised that getting good grades isn’t his number one concern?
Episode 1.4 “CO-op”
(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on May 3rd, 1994)
It’s a big day for all the members of the Mosely family!
Andre manages to get a ride into Inglewood, where he shows up unannounced at Ray’s office and finally gets Nicole to agree to go out on a date with him on Friday. I have to admit that I cringed a bit at the scene where Andre showed up, if just because I worked as an administrative assistant when I first got out of college and I know how annoying it is to have some jerk show up and try to keep you from getting your filing done. If the previous episode was about revealing Andre’s hidden depths, this episode was all about his immaturity. Nicole’s decision to kiss Andre and make a date with him honestly felt more like her rebelling against her parents than actually being attracted to Andre as an individual.
While Andre is getting a date with Nicole, Joan is getting humiliated on television. When Bobby (Clifton Powell) arranges for the local news to come do a live spot from the Ujamaa Co-op, he introduces Joan as being someone that he (and the Co-op) saved from having to go on welfare by hiring her to bag groceries. When Joan snaps that Bobby humiliated her, Bobby challenges her to tell him what was inaccurate about anything he said. Joan points out that, for someone who claims to be all about sacrificing for the community, Bobby certainly has the money to afford “a new dashiki.” And Joan does have a point. Bobby is one of the more interesting characters on the show, mixing a sincere desire to improve his community with a healthy ego that prevents him from realizing just how condescending he can be when spreading his message.
Of course, with Andre and Joan both occupied, it falls on Tasha to once again sacrifice her plans so that she can take care of Deion and make sure that he goes to his therapy session. Deion, who doesn’t converse but does often yell, strikes Tasha at one point and, by the time Tasha arrives at the therapist’s office, she’s sick of dealing with him. The therapist (CCH Pounder) sends Deion to play in another room and then talks to Tasha. Tasha finally gets to talk about how unfair it is that, because she’s the responsible one, she’s the one who is always expected to give up her plans. This really was Tasha Scott’s showcase episode and she did a great job showing how difficult it is to have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. This episode works because it not only acknowledges Tasha’s anger but it also admits that there isn’t an easy solution. The therapist doesn’t come up with some perfect turn of the phrase that makes everything better. Instead, in the end, Tasha takes some comfort in the fact that the now calm Deion briefly reaches out towards her, showing her the first real appreciation that she’s received in the series.
Next week, Tasha and Andre’s father briefly returns to their lives.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Today, the IRS takes a cruise. Agck!
Episode 3.5 “The Scoop/The Audit Couple/My Boyfriend’s Back”
(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on October 6th, 1979)
Captain Stubing is being audited!
Damn the IRS! What a bunch of money-obsessed fascists!
The IRS agent, Viola Penny (Phyllis Diller), has booked a room on the cruise so that she can look through Captain Stubing’s records and….
Wait a minute. If you’re an IRS agent, you get to go on a luxury cruise and also look through someone’s private information? That sounds like fun! Sign me up!
Anyway, Viola originally seems to be tough-minded and determined to toss Capt. Stubing in jail. But then she gets drunk at dinner and, when she wakes up in the captain’s cabin, she’s convinced that she and Stubing are now lovers. She decides to go easy on the audit but then she comes across $50,000 hidden in an ice bucket and she becomes convinced that Stubing is cheating the government and that he seduced her to keep her from finding out. But then she discovers that the money is actually the crew emergency fund and she falls in love with Stubing again….
Yeah, it’s hard to keep track of how Viola feels from scene to scene. At the end of the episode, she declares her love for the captain and leaves the boat. Stubing realizes that he forgot to ask her what the results of his audit were but he also orders Gopher not to call her back to the boat. If there’s a new captain next week, I’ll just assume Stubing’s in USP Marion.
Meanwhile, caddish Jay Cavanaugh (Lyle Waggoner) is really excited when he sees his ex-girlfriend, Patricia Lucas (Jennifer Salt), on the boat. Jay is determined to get back together with Patricia, despite the fact that Patricia is on her honeymoon with her new husband, Danny (Richard Kline). Danny is instantly jealous of Jay, who has a perfect smile and a perfect tan. However, he needn’t be insecure because Patricia is totally in love with him. Still, Danny keeps walking in on Jay flirting with Patricia and soon, he declares that the marriage is over.
Patricia tricks Jay into stepping up on a stage in the Acapulco Lounge and announcing that he’s in love with Patricia. Patricia then announces that Jay has no idea what love is and declares, in front of all the crew and passengers, that she’s in love with Danny. Danny and Patricia’s marriage is saved but seriously, Danny was kind of wimpy about the whole thing. It seems like Patricia deserved better than both Jay and Danny.
Finally, Simon Scott (Ray Buktenica) is a tabloid reporter who is on the cruise because he’s been assigned to discover who the famous actress, Jackie Landers (Joyce Dewitt), is traveling with. It turns out that Jackie is not traveling with a romantic partner but instead with her autistic son. At first, Jackie pretends to be in a relationship with Doc Bricker but eventually, Simon discovers the truth. However, Simon refuses to write a tabloid-style story about her child so Jackie falls in love with him and hires him to help her write her own non-tabloidy story about her son.
This episode was a mixed bag. The IRS storyline was frustrating, largely because it featured a lot of complications that could have been prevented by people just not jumping to conclusions. The newlyweds story felt anticlimactic because there was never any question about who Patricia would choose to be with. But the storyline with Jackie, Simon, and Jackie’s son was actually pretty sweet. Ultimately, this was a pleasant but forgettable cruise.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!
This week’s trip to Fantasy Island is sadly forgettable. Let’s find out why.
Episode 3.13 “The Inventor/On The Other Side”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on December 15th, 1979)
This week, there is no banter between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke before they head off to meet their guests. In fact, Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize barely look at each other. It’s a shame because this is actually a pretty dire episode. It could have used some passive-aggressive Tattoo/Roarke interaction.
The first fantasy features Arte Johnson as Professor Dwayne Clebe and Marcia Wallace as his assistant, Martha Meeks. Professor Clebe is tying to develop a solution that, when sprayed on metal, will make it impervious to damage. When he first arrives at Fantasy Island, the solution is called 2X76409, with the 9 signifying the 9 labs that have been blow up by Clebe’s experiments. By the time he and Martha perfect the solution, it has become the 2X76411. Fear not, no one is injured when the labs blow up. Even though Clebe and Martha are both standing in the middle of these explosions, they always just end up with soot on their face.
Anyway, once the formula is perfected, leaders of both industry and the world’s trade unions travel to Fantasy Island to try to destroy it. The industrialists think that it will drive down prices. The unionists think that it will put people out of work. Eventually, the Russians show up because they want the formula for themselves. It all leads to a big chase and Prof. Clebe realizing that he loves Martha.
The whole fantasy was way too cartoonish and overwritten for its own good and it featured some of the worst acting that I’ve ever seen on Fantasy Island. Let’s move on!
Unfortunately, the other fantasy really isn’t that great either. Irma Gideon (Jeanette Nolan) was the wife of a medium. When he died, he promised that he would contact her from the other side. He hasn’t done so and Irma’s fantasy is to go to the other side, see her husband, and then return. Mr. Roarke arranges for a séance but, when he suspects that Irma is planning on just going to the other side and staying there, he cancels the fantasy. After Irma swears that she won’t stay in “the other side,” Mr. Roarke allows her to enter a death-like trance in a Fantasy Island laboratory. When Irma goes to the Other Side and is tempted to cross a bridge and stay permanently, her grandson (Keith Gordon) enters into a trance of his own so that he can beg her to come back.
It all sounds like it should be interesting but the execution is lacking, with one scene featuring a painting of Irma’s husband speaking to her being so badly done that it makes it impossible to take the rest of the fantasy seriously. Jeanette Nolan and Keith Gordon both give marginally better performances that Arte Johnson and Marcia Wallace did in the other fantasy but, in the end, the whole thing just falls flat.
Well, not every trip to Fantasy Island can be a winner.
Sometimes, you see a film that is just so weird and incoherent that you can’t help but love it.
Of course, it also helps if the film has a once-in-a-lifetime cast of actors who you would never expect to see acting opposite each other.
For me, that’s certainly the case with 1990’s Backtrack. Directed by Dennis Hopper, Backtrack is a film about an artist (Jodie Foster, channeling Jenny Holzer) who witnesses a mob murder committed by Joe Pesci, Dean Stockwell, Tony Sirico, and John Turturro. An FBI agent played by Fred Ward suggests that the artist should go into the witness protection program but she doesn’t want to give up her life as a New York sophisticate who creates challenging LED displays and who can eat Sno Balls whenever she gets the craving for one. (Yes, this is a plot point.) Turturro and Sirico break into the artist’s apartment and kill her boyfriend, who is played by a wide-eyed Charlie Sheen. The artist puts on a blonde wig and goes on the run, eventually getting a job in advertising.
Realizing that his men can’t get the job done, mob boss Vincent Price decides to hire a legendary hitman played by Dennis Hopper (who also directed this film) to track down the artist. However, the hitman becomes fascinating with the artist’s work, finds pictures of her posing in black lingerie, and immediately falls in love with her. Not only does he wants to save her life but he wants her to wear the same lingerie exclusively for him. (Yes, this is a pretty big plot point.) At first, the artist refuses and views the hitman as being some sort of pathetic perv. But then she discovers that he’s covered her bed with Sno Balls….
Meanwhile, a young Catherine Keener shows up as the girlfriend of a trucker who briefly considers giving the artist a ride to Canada.
And then Bob Dylan shows up, handling a chainsaw.
And there’s Helena Kallianiotes, the outspoken hitch-hiker from Five Easy Pieces, yelling at Joe Pesci!
And there’s Dennis Hopper’s The Last Movie co-star, Julie Adams! And there’s Toni Basil! And there’s director Alex Cox!
Dennis Hopper not only starred in Backtrack but he also directed and it’s obvious that he placed a call into just about everyone he knew. In fact, one could argue that the only thing more shocking than Vincent Price showing up as a mob boss is that Peter Fonda, Karen Black, Elliott Gould, Robert Walker Jr., and Kris Kristofferson are nowhere to be found in the film. Hopper’s first cut of Backtrack was reportedly 3 hours long but the studio cut it down to 90 minutes, renamed it Catchfire, and Hopper insisted on being credited as Alan Smithee. Later, Hopper released a two-hour version with the Backtrack title and his directorial credit restored.
Regardless of which version you see, Backtrack is an odd film. It’s hardly the first film to be made about a hit man falling for his target. What distinguishes this film is just how bizarre a performance Dennis Hopper gives in the role of the hitman. It’s as if Hopper gave into every method instinct that he had and the end result was a mix of Blue Velvet‘s Frank Booth and the crazed photojournalist from ApocalypseNow. Jodie Foster’s cool intelligence makes her the ideal choice for a conceptual artist but it also makes it hard to believe that she would fall for a jittery hitman and, in her romantic scenes with Hopper, Foster often seems to be struggling to resist the temptation to roll her eyes. Somehow, their total lack of romantic chemistry becomes rather fascinating to work. They are two talented performers but each appears to be acting in a different movie. What’s interesting is that I think a movie just about Hopper’s spacey hitman would be interesting (and, if you’ve ever seen The American Friend, it’s hard not to feel that such a movie already exists) but I think a movie about just about Foster’s artist and her life in New York would be just as fascinating. Taken as individuals, the artist and the hitman are both compelling characters. Taken as a couple, they don’t belong anywhere near each other.
But let’s be honest. This is a film that most people will watch for the parade of character actors delivering quirky dialogue. Even if one takes Hopper and Foster out of this mix, this is an amazingly talented cast. One need only consider that John Turturro did Do The Right Thing before appearing in this film while Joe Pesci and Tony Sirico did Goodfellas immediately afterwards. This film features a once-in-a-lifetime cast, made up of actors who were apparently told to do whatever they felt like doing. Turturro plays up the comedy. Sirico plays his role with cool menace. Stockwell barely speaks above a whisper. Fred Ward plays the one sane man in a world of lunatics. Vincent Price delivers his line as if he’s appearing in one of Roger Corman’s Poe films and somehow, it makes sense that, in the world of Backfire, an Italian gangster would have a snarky, mid-Atlantic accent.
It’s an odd little film, an example of 80s filmmaking with a 70s sensibility. While it’s not touched with the lunatic genius that distinguished Hopper’s The Last Movie, Backtrack is still something that should be experienced at least once.
“Oh my God! A Nicolas Cage western!? This is going to be great!”
That was my initial reaction when I heard about The Old Way, a film in which Nicolas Cage plays a former gunslinger who returns to his old ways while seeking revenge for the murder of his wife. Who knew which Nicolas Cage would show up for The Old Way? Would we get the wild, unpredictable Cage? Would we get the soulful and haunted Cage? Would this be one of the films that Cage cared about or would this be one of the films that Cage clearly just made for the money? Hearing that Nicolas Cage walked off the set because of an accident with one of the guns did not fill me with confidence. (The armorer who worked on The Old Way was the same one who went on to work on Rust and again, that did not exactly fill me with confidence.) Still, I was definitely curious to see The Old Way for myself.
Unfortunately, The Old Way is neither Cage at his best nor Cage at his most eccentric. Instead, Cage gives a quiet and emotionally restrained performance as Colton Briggs. When Briggs is first seen, he’s taking part in an extrajudicial execution and then coldly killing a man who first shoots him in the back. Jump forward 20 years and, much like Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven, Colton Briggs is now a married man and a somewhat uptight shop owner who rarely shows a hint of emotion. His 10 year-old daughter (Ryan Kiera Armstrong) is as rebellious as Colton once was and she has no idea about Colton’s past. However, when the nephew of the man that Colton killed at the start of the film, murders Colton’s wife, Colton sets out for revenge. His daughter follows him, along with Marshal Jarret (Nick Searcy, giving the film’s best performance). Jarret is a former friend of Colton’s but both men make it clear that they will kill the other if they have to. That’s the old way.
It’s a typical western and, on a purely technical level, it’s not a bad one. The cinematography is frequently gorgeous and the members of the rival gang are made up of memorable character actors like Clint Howard and Abraham Benrubi. Obviously, a certain amount of care went into recreating the old west. As I said before, Nick Searcy is ideally cast as Marshal Jarret and he gives a performance that will keep you guessing as to whether or not Jarret should be trusted. Nicolas Cage is adequate in the lead role, even if he’s never quite as eccentric as most of his fans would probably prefer him to be. When he first shows up, he’s wearing an obviously fake mustache but that’s about as odd as his performance gets.
But, in the end, The Old Way just isn’t a particularly memorable film. It’s one of those films that you watch with the hope that it will suddenly spring an unexpected detail or a bizarre moment on the audience but it never happens. The Old Way is way too formulaic for its own good, borrowing liberally from True Grit and Unforgiven without ever really establishing its own identity.
Normally, I’d never celebrate the idea of the hero of a movie being wrongly sent to prison in a state that is rather aggressive in its use of the death penalty but Devin Taylor (Griffin Hood), the hero of 2010’s Enemies Among Us, was so annoying that I found myself hoping he would never get out of jail.
Enemies Among Us is a low-budget film about many different things. Sen. Fred Edmonds (Steven Bauer) of North Carolina is about to accept his party’s presidential nomination and most of the polls show him far in the lead. Senator Edmonds is planning on naming Louisiana Governor Chip Majors (James DuMont) as his running mate because this film takes place in a world where presidential nominees don’t try to balance their ticket by picking someone from a different region or from a swing state. When we see Sen. Edmonds, he’s being interrogated by a journalist named Gretna (Tammi Arender), who is upset over campaign finance laws. We’re meant to dislike Edmonds but Gretna is written and performed as being such a caricature of a shrill left-winger that we actually start to feel bad for Sen. Edmonds. LEAVE HIM ALONE, GRETNA!
Meanwhile, Gov. Majors has just murdered the prostitute that he was visiting in the same hotel where, in a few hours, he’s supposed to host a major fundraiser. The prostitute tried to kill the governor first but still, murder is murder. However, the governor offers to pay off two members of his security details, Devin and Cobbs (Eric Roberts). Cobbs is enthusiastic about the idea and seems to find them whole thing to be rather amusing. Devin is conflicted but he goes with the plan …. for a while.
Meanwhile, Cobb’s ex-wife Goloria (Robin Givens) is a CIA interrogator who is torturing a terrorist named Jassim (Armando Leduc) in an effort to lean when the next big terrorist attack is planned. Jassim taunts her, saying that Americans don’t understand why the rest of the world hates them. The torture leads Jassim to have a bizarre hallucination, in which he makes out with Gloria and rambles on about the sorry state of humanity.
Meanwhile, Agent Graham (Billy Zane) hangs out in bars and …. well, he really doesn’t do much beyond act like Billy Zane.
Wow, what an annoying movie. Enemies Among Us is one of those films that wants to tackle all of the important subjects but it approaches politics with all of the nuance and imagination of a college freshman who has just read Howard Zinn for the first time and is now convinced that he has all the answers. There’s not a subtle moment to be found in Enemies Among Us and the scene where Devin starts yelling about how Americans deserve honesty is so clumsily handled that you’ll find yourself laughing more than nodding along.
That said …. Eric Roberts is in this! Roberts doesn’t get a lot of screentime and his character is given an unceremonious exit from the film but he’s still the film’s highlight. Roberts spends the entire film smiling. Even the discovery that the governor has murdered the prostitute cannot wipe that smile off of Roberts’s face. It’s a bizarre performance but at least it’s entertaining. It’s the type of performance that will remind viewers of why they love Eric Roberts, even in films like this.
Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:
Femi Jackson (Brandon Victor Dixon) is a recovering alcoholic with a pregnant wife and a past-due mortgage who totally and completely believes in a presidential candidate named Harold Roundtree (Orlando Jones). A former baker-turned-politician, Roundtree is running for the 2024 Democratic presidential nomination on a platform of small government and personal responsibility. That really doesn’t sound like a platform for success in a Democratic primary but whatever. Let’s just go with it.
Femi has been hired as financial director for a SuperPAC that is raising money for the Roundtree campaign. Femi notices that many of the donations are being submitted in numbers that add up to 88. When he takes this news to his friend Ira Goldstein (Thomas Sadoski), Ira reveals that 88 is a code that Neo-Nazis use to identify each other. Femi and Ira do more digging and they discover that, throughout his entire life, Roundtree has been receiving financial aide from various rich men, all of whom sent Roundtree’s sums of money that all add up to 88. Femi questions why Neo-Nazis would do something that makes it so easy to identify them. Ira replies that they’re marking their territory.
While Howard Roundtree records an interview with a left-wing commentator (William Fichtner), Femi tracks down and meets with an elderly and repentant Neo-Nazi (Jonathan Weir), who now needs an oxygen tank to breathe and who lives in an isolated house with his black wife. Femi is later approached by a volunteer in the SuperPAC’s office, who informs him that the only way that White Supremacy can survive is by latching onto a black politician like Harold Roundtree. Femi and Ira prepare to meet with Rountree, with Femi still convinced that he has no idea who is secretly funding his campaign.
While this is going on, Femi’s wife (Naturi Naughton) tries to help an ex-con achieve a bank loan despite the opposition of her sister (who also works for the bank) while Femi’s son, Ola (Jeremiah King), gets in trouble at school for showing his classmates a video of a school shooting. It turns out that Femi’s brother-in-law is not only a cop but he’s also white and he agrees to drive Ola to school so that Ola can see that not all cops are bad. Ola’s obvious fear as he walks out to the squad car indicates that the experiment, no matter how well-intentioned, is probably not going to work.
88 is certainly an ambitious film and the opening minutes, which features Femi’s wife explaining why Black Panther is not the empowering and progressive film that Femi believes it to be, suggest that the film has the potential to be interesting. And throughout the film, there are little moments that do work, like the scene where Femi tells his son how to react if he’s ever pulled over by a cop. Unfortunately, the majority of the film is a clumsily-acted and talky mix of melodrama and heavy-messaging, one that tries to duplicate the style of Spike Lee’s agitprop but instead ends up feeling more like a secular and politically progressive version of the God’s Not Dead films than anything else. The film drags on for 2 full hours with Brandon Victor Dixon’s nerdy blandness failing to provide the narrative momentum to keep the action interesting. As well, Orlando Jones is perhaps the least convincing presidential front runner that I’ve ever seen in a film, speaking a cadences that appear to be specifically patterned on Barack Obama but suggesting none of the charisma that would be necessary to captivate a nation. Again, the film deserves some praise for having the ambition to actually be about something more than just selling toys and comic books but, in the end, it’s earnest dullness and heavy-handed messaging fails to hold one’s attention.
Through the Shattered Lens 