Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come abroad, we’re expecting you….

Uhmm, maybe not this week, Love Boat.

Episode 6.25 “The Dog Show: Putting on the Dog/Going to the Dogs/Women’s Best Friend/Whose Dog Is It Anyway?”

(Dir by Bob Sweeney, originally aired on March 26th, 1983)

This week’s episode stressed me out.

The cruise line is co-sponsoring a dog show that is going to be held in Mexico.  The dog that wins will not only receive $10,000 but will also become the new “face” of Honeycutt Dogfood.  All the contestants bring their dogs onboard the ship and take the cruise to Mexico.

Seriously, imagine the scene.  Hundreds of dogs on cruise ship, floating in the pool and running through the passageways — YIKES!  I will admit that the majority of the dogs were cute.  There was a white Samoyed dog named Tundra who was just adorable and who could do all sorts of tricks.  But still, I spent the whole episode wondering what would happen if a dog accidentally jumped (or fell — oh my God!) overboard.  What if one of the dogs had fleas and now, everyone on the boat had them too?  Who was cleaning up after the dogs?  And what about a passenger — like me, for instance — who wasn’t really a dog person and who bought a ticket without the knowledge that the ship itself would be home to hundreds of canines?

The storylines also made me anxious, just because none of them made much sense.  (It was obvious that the main concern for this episode was getting as much cute dog footage as possible.)  So, we had Isaac and Gopher buying Tundra from $8 but not realizing that she was a brilliant dog who could do hundreds of tricks.  Isaac and Gopher sold the dog to the Captain and Vicki, just to then realize that Tundra was a sure winner in the dog show.  Isaac and Gopher tried to convince the Captain to sell the dog back but it turned out the Captain already knew Tundra was a winner.  Of course, as employees of the cruise line, neither Gopher nor Isaac nor Vicky should have been allowed to enter a dog in the show in the first place.

And then we had Isaac’s aunt Tanya (Isabel Sanford) running around with a Chihuahua while her husband (Mel Stewart) got jealous.  And we had Pamela (Catherine Bach) realizing that Gary (Dirk Benedict) was the new owner of a dog that she had lost two years before.  And then there was boozy Mrs. Honeycutt (Jo Anne Worley) boarding the ship and searching for her husband, not realizing that he wouldn’t be arriving until the ship reached Mexico.  For his part, Mr. Honeycutt (Gordon Jump) spent most of this episode in Las Vegas with his secretary.

Finally, Harold Pack (Ray Buktencia), who worked in Honeycutt’s mailroom, boarded the boat with some forms from Mr. Honeycutt and was immediately mistaken for his boss.  Pretending to be Mr. Honeycutt, Harold romanced a dog owner named Wendy (Heather Thomas).  Imagine Wendy’s surprise when she learned Mrs. Honeycutt was on the boat and looking for her husband….

Oh God, I’m getting stressed just writing about all this.

Things worked out in the end.  Mr. Honeycutt, having returned from Vegas, announced that there was a tie and all the dogs were winners!  Harold protected Honeycutt’s secret and got promoted to Vice President.  Pamela and Gary decided to own the dog together.  Vicki got Tundra!  Yay!  I was happy about that.  Tundra was adorable!

This episode was exhausting.  Too many dogs, too many half-baked stories, too much overacting on the part of Isabel Sanford, it was just too much.