As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on Twitter and Mastodon. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.
Tonight, at 10 pm et, #FridayNightFlix has got 1991’s Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, starring Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson!
If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag! It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.
Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man is available on Prime! See you there!
Today’s horror film on the lens is Edward D. Wood’s 1955 epic, Bride of the Monster.
(Much like Plan 9 From Outer Space, around here, it is a tradition to watch Bride of the Monster in October.)
The film itself doesn’t feature a bride but it does feature a monster, a giant octopus who guards the mansion of the mysterious Dr. Vornoff (Bela Lugosi). Vornoff and his hulking henchman Lobo (Tor Johnson) have been kidnapping men and using nuclear power to try to create a race of super soldiers. Or something like that. The plot has a make-it-up-as-you-go-along feel to it. That’s actually a huge part of the film’s appeal.
Bride of the Monster is regularly described as being one of the worst films ever made but I think that’s rather unfair. Appearing in his last speaking role, Lugosi actually gives a pretty good performance, bringing a wounded dignity to the role of Vornoff. If judged solely against other movies directed by Ed Wood, this is actually one of the best films ever made.
Obviously, I had to start things off with the trailer for the original Friday the 13th! This trailer puts a lot of emphasis on Marcie’s dream about the rain turning into blood. I have to say that is a pretty intense dream.
2. The Burning (1981)
After Friday the 13th, there were many movies about the dangers of going to camp. The Burning is one of the best-remembered. Seriously, I’m so glad that I never did the camp thing.
3. Madman (1982)
I reviewed Madman earlier this month but I’m going to share the trailer again. Seriously, camping is bad but yelling, “Madman Marz!” is apparently even worse.
4. Sleepaway Camp (1983)
As bad as those camps are, they’re a picnic compared to Sleepaway Camp!
5. Without Warning (1980)
Of course, it’s not just camps that are dangerous. As the trailer for Without Warning shows, you never know what you might run into in the woods.
What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!
Last night, if you were having trouble getting to sleep, you could have logged onto Tubi and watched the 1996 film, Rollergator! Of course, you would have had to watch the Rifftraxx version but, trust me, that would have been for the best. There are some films that demand a certain amount of snarkiness in order to be survived and that’s certainly the case with Rollergator.
P.J. (Sandra Shuker) is a teenage girl who has just moved to Los Angeles. There’s not much to do so P.J. spends her time either hanging out at a local carnival or relaxing on the beach. It’s while she’s on the beach that she hears a voice calling out to her from a nearby cave. Of course, she enters the cave to see who is calling for her because, when you’re otherwise alone and only wearing a bikini, it would only make sense to wander into a strange and dangerous location just because a totally unfamiliar voice asks you to.
Anyway, the voice belongs to a purple alligator who is kind of obnoxious. The alligator can talk. He says that he’s just escaped from the carnival and now Chico Dennis (Joe Estevez) has sent out a mysterious ninja (Lisa Kaake) to bring him back. The alligator just wants to be reunited with his former owner, The Swamp Farmer (played by Conrad Brooks, who was a member of the Ed Wood stock company back in the 50s and the 60s). After giving the alligator a hard time about always being rude and sarcastic, PJ tosses him in her backpack and takes him to …. THE CARNIVAL! The alligator has a great time at the carnival until he and PJ run into Chico and the alligator realizes that they’re at the same carnival from which he previously escaped! How many carnivals are in Los Angeles?
Anyway, the majority of the movie is PJ rollerblading around Los Angeles with a talking alligator puppet in her backpack. The Dark Ninja pursues them on a skateboard but fortunately, a karate instructor (Bobbie Blackford) and a runaway named Slingshot (Jenette Lynne Hawkins) decide to help out PJ and the alligator. Occasionally, the alligator puppet raps but he’s not very good at it. Still, everyone loves the talking alligator. Oddly, no one ever questions the fact that the alligator can talk. Then again, no one manages to deliver their lines with the least bit of emotion, suggesting that everyone in Los Angeles is fairly blasé when it comes to talking alligators and skateboarding ninjas.
Rollergator is perhaps the only movie ever made about a rapping alligator and, watching it, it was kind of easy to see why there haven’t been any other movies featuring rapping alligators. This is one of those films that features an alligator puppet for the kids and a lead actress who spends the entire movie in either a bikini or a sports bra for the adult males watching the movie with the kids but what about the women — the underpaid babysitters and the extremely helpful aunts and the exhausted mothers — who would have, if the film had been successful, been forced to watch Rollergator over the years? The only thing we get is Joe Estevez, bulging his eyes and looking like Martin Sheen on meth. It doesn’t seem quite fair!
Anyway, did I mention that you could watch this if you were having trouble getting to sleep? Well, you definitely can but be warned, you may have Rollergator-inspired dreams as a result. Those are the risks you take.
The Lifetime film, The Serial Killer Seduced Me, tells the story of Chloe (Tess Cline).
Chloe is currently working as a nurse at an assisted living facility but what she truly wants is to be recognized as an artist. One of her patients, Lillian (Kris Ann Russell), is always encouraging Chloe to pursue her artistic dreams. In fact, Lillian has quite a collection of art herself. She gives Chloe the key to her house so that Chloe can get some of her paintings. When Chloe goes to the house, she finds a painting of a young woman. What we know but what Chloe doesn’t know is that someone murdered the woman after she posed for the painting.
Speaking of murder, someone smothers Lillian in her sleep. Chloe is so upset over Lillian’s death that she barely pays attention when her agent, Chase (Allen Williamson), tells her that he needs some of her paintings. Chloe signs a contract that Chase pushes in front of her. Later, while Chloe is still in shock over Lillian’s death, she gets a call from Chase informing her that he’s set up a show for her at a local gallery.
Excited, Chloe goes to the gallery and discovers that not only has Chase hung several of her paintings in the gallery but that everyone also seems to like them. However, the painting that everyone loves appears to be the painting of the woman that Chloe found at Lillian’s house. Chloe is stunned, especially after a man approaches her and claims to be the husband of the woman in the painting. The man shouts that the woman was murdered and then he goes outside and promptly gets run over by a car that ignores a stop sign.
Chloe doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to take credit for the painting but she signed a contract with Chase and Chase, when he finds out that Chloe didn’t actually paint the painting, proceeds to blackmail her. Chase says that he needs more paintings and that they need to be like the one that everyone liked, the one that Chloe didn’t actually paint. A trip back to Lillian’s place leads to the discovery of the paintings of several women. Chloe notices that the paintings are numbered and she deduces that all the women in the paintings have been murdered.
Chase doesn’t care. He’s got paintings to sell and he want Chloe to sit down for an interview with a journalist named Ariadne (Kristi Murdock). Chloe, however, is now more concerned with Luke (Ali Zahiri), who is Lillian’s son and who is quite a fan of her art. Chloe knows that there’s a good chance that Luke might be the murderer but she’s also feeling attracted to him.
Uh-oh!
I enjoyed the Lifetime film, largely because it thoroughly embraced the melodrama in the way that the best Lifetime films often do. I enjoyed the film’s satiric look at the art world and, even more importantly, Chloe’s outfits were all to die for. From the minute she showed up with her thigh high boots and her portfolio of pretentious paintings, I knew Chloe was going to be a character to whom I could relate. The solution to the film’s mystery didn’t really make much sense but …. eh. I wasn’t expecting it to make any sense so it didn’t really matter.
This film was originally entitled Picture Her Dead, which personally I think was a better and more appropriate title than The Serial Killer Seduced Me.
The 2015 film, Catching Faith, presents us with the following scenario.
You are the mother of a 17 year-old football star. Your son is the reason why his school’s team is going to make the playoffs. As a result, he’s the most popular kid in school. In fact, he’s the most popular kid in the state. Everyone loves him and you know what? He’s actually handling it all pretty well. He still works hard. He still goes to practice. He looks after his sister. He treats you and your husband with respect. Are his grades great? Not really but is he passing and he’s certainly doing well enough that he’ll probably be able to get a football scholarship.
But then, you find out that your 17 year-old son went to a party after a game. And he had a few beers, just as everyone else on the team did. The police showed up but your son was allowed to leave. In other words, he didn’t get caught. He was also smart enough not to try to drive himself home in his intoxicated condition. When, after a good deal of hesitation on your part, you ask him if he was drinking that night, he doesn’t lie to you. He admits that he was drinking, as was everyone else on the team.
Do you sit down and have a talk with him, one in which you encourage him not to drink (especially since he’s not 21) while also making it clear that he can still call you if he ever does find himself in a situation where he has had too much? Do you maybe ground him for a week or two, just so he understands that there are consequences for breaking the rules?
Or….
Do you whip out the rules and regulations book that he was given at the start of the semester and announce that if he doesn’t turn himself into the coach, you’ll do it yourself? Keep in mind that, by doing this, you’ll be guaranteeing that your son doesn’t play in another regular game for the rest of the season. You’ll be ruining his chance to impress the college scouts. The football team will lose its best player and probably won’t win anymore games, which means that the other members of the team will probably lose whatever chance they had to get a football scholarship. And, of course, your son will become a pariah at the time in his life when it’s really important to have friends?
If you are Alexa (Lorena Seguara York) and John Taylor (Dariush Moslemi), you go with the second option. You explain that, as Christians, you’re not allowed to lie and you force your son, Beau (Garrett Westton), to confess to his coach (comedian Bill Engvall) that he had one or two beers at a party. And then, of course, if your Alexa and John, you spend the rest of the school year wondering the entire town now hates you.
Of course, Beau is not the only member of the Taylor family who has to make a choice about being honest. Alexa is torn over whether or not to tell John that she exchanged the necklace that he gave her for a better one. Meanwhile, daughter Ravyn (Bethany Peterson) has to decide whether or not to cheat on her Latin exam so that she can be valedictorian and go to MIT.
Seriously, this is a dilemma? Look, the world’s not going to end if you cheat on a Latin exam. Who would pick their integrity over attending MIT? And, for that matter, men are clueless when it comes to jewelry. I kind of doubt John would have ever noticed that Alexa’s necklace was different from the one that he gave her.
I guess my point here is that this family is obsessed with creating drama where there really doesn’t need to be any. Just be glad that your son didn’t go to jail and that he’s going to get a football scholarship. (Seriously, do you want to pay for his college?) And be happy your daughter is going to MIT. And be happy with the pretty new necklace!
I wasn’t surprised to discover that it was set in Wisconsin because I can tell you right now that none of this would have ever happened in Texas. A high school football player getting caught drinking? That’s just a typical weeknight down here. This was a deeply silly movie. Parents, please don’t humiliate your 17 year-olds like this.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!
This week, we finish up the pilot for Highway to Heaven, with Jonathan revealing the true nature of his job to Mark and the old people heading to the horse races!
Episode 1.1 “Highway to Heaven: Part Two”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)
The second half of the pilot for Highway to Heaven opens with things looking up at the retirement community. Everyone is enjoying the new garden. There’s a new sense of community amongst the residents. Even Estelle (Helen Hayes) has finally come out of her room and is now taking care of the dog that Jonathan previously gave her. Sidney Gould (John Bleifer) is especially happy to see Estelle out and about, especially after Estelle agrees to have dinner with him.
The only person who is not happy with the changes that Jonathan has brought to everyone’s lives is Mark Gordon. Mark is still suspicious of Jonathan’s motives and he’s not happy that his sister, Leslie (Mary McCusker), is falling for a man who she really knows nothing about. When Jonathan is having dinner at Leslie’s apartment, Mark breaks into Jonathan’s apartment and discovers that Jonathan owns nothing. There’s not even a toothbrush in the bathroom.
Jonathan catches Mark in his apartment and, after Mark demands to know just who exactly Jonathan is, Jonathan explains that he works for “the Boss.” He travels from location to location, helping people who need help. When Mark demands to know who the Boss is, Jonathan can only look heaven-ward.
Needless to say, Mark is not at all convinced that Jonathan is an angel. But there’s an even bigger problem to deal with! Mr. Sinclair (Joe Dorsey), the owner of retirement home, has sold the land to a developer! Everyone who worked there is now out of a job and everyone who lived there has been given just a few days to move out and find somewhere else to live.
When Jonathan pays Mr. Sinclair a visit, he discovers that Sinclair has spent his life making money in order to get over the shame of being rejected by his high school love. Unfortunately, she’s now dead and Sinclair no longer cares about anyone. Still, Jonathan is able to convince Mr. Sinclair to give him a chance to raise enough money to buy the retirement home.
Mark’s suggestion is that they take the money that they already have and bet it at the tracks. Jonathan is not sure if the Boss would like him gambling but, in the end, he agrees to Mark’s plan. At the tracks, it first appears that the horse that the old people put their money on has lost. But then then Sidney discovers that the person at the betting window accidentally gave him the wrong ticket and — it’s a miracle! They win the money!
The old people are able to buy their retirement home and Mark is now convinced that Jonathan is angel. In fact, Mark is so convinced that he insists on driving Jonathan around the country and helping him out.
(Don’t worry about Leslie. Though she’s upset when Jonathan leaves, a handsome and single man immediately moves in next door to her.)
This episode ends with Jonathan getting into Mark’s car and the two of them driving off, down the highway.
Wow, this was an earnest show. Seriously, there’s not a hint of sarcasm or snarkiness to be found in this episode, which I imagine explains why this show is still airing on the retro stations and streaming on a hundred different sites. To an extent, it’s easy to be dismissive of a show where a bunch of quirky old people got to the race track to win enough money to be able to stay together in their retirement home. There’s nothing subtle not particularly surprising about any of it. I mean, we know there’s no way Helen Hayes and that adorable dog are going to lose their home! But this episode was so achingly sincere in its approach that it worked.
On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, a psychologist (Brian Kerwin) learns about the dangers of manipulating a patient. As you may be able to guess, The Hitchhiker dislikes psychologists almost as much as he dislikes tabloid journalists. In fact, is there anyone that The Hitchhiker does like?
1987’s The Majorettes takes place in a small town in Pennsylvania. It’s the type of town where everyone follows the high school football team, everyone goes to church on Sunday, and everyone admires the baton-twirling high school majorettes, even more so than the cheerleaders.
Unfortunately, it appears that someone is murdering the majorettes, one-by-one. The first majorette victim is murdered while out on a date with Tommy, the class nerd. (Poor old Tommy is killed as well.) Her body is left in a creek. The second victim is killed while lounging in front of her swimming pool. The third victim is killed in the shower. Detective Roland Martell (Cal Hetrick) thinks that the murders are linked to some sort of purification ritual. Sheriff Braden (Mark V. Jivicky) says that he agrees but he doesn’t really have much time to worry about motives. Braden’s dismissal of Martell could be due to the fact that Braden is a deeply religious man who we first see observing a creek baptism and singing a gospel song. Meanwhile, Martell is an agnostic who is having an affair with a teenage girl named Nicole (Jacqueline Bowman).
Who could be the murderer? Could it be Harry (Harold K. Keller), the slow-witted handyman who is always watching the majorettes while they’re practicing and who peeps on them and takes pictures while they’re changing in the locker room?
Could it be Harry’s mother, Helga (Denise Huot)? Helga is a nurse who is plotting to murder both majorette Vicky McAlister (Terrie Godfrey) and her grandmother as a part of her plot to inherit the McAlister fortune. But just because Helga is planning to kill one majorette, that doesn’t necessarily mean that she killed the others.
Or could the murderer be the school’s resident dope dealer, Mace (Tom E. Desrocher)? Mace spends most of his time hanging out with his gang in their trailer, which is decorated with Confederate flags and 666 graffiti. Mace was seen with the first victim and quarterback Jeff Holloway (Kevin Kindlin) is pretty sure that Mace was responsible for the murder. When Jeff goes to the police, Mace decides to go after Jeff.
Anyone of them could be the murderer. I won’t spoil the killer’s identity, beyond telling you that we learn who the killer is about halfway through the film. And once the killer is known, The Majorettes goes from being a high school slasher film to being a backwoods action/revenge film, complete with shotguns being fired, vehicles blowing up, and Jeff the clean-cut quarterback suddenly running around with an arsenal of weapons. Ultimately, The Majorettes feels like 3 different movies in one, with moments of horror balanced with scenes of Lifetime-style melodrama and Cannon-style action. To be honest, the entire film is a bit silly but there’s enough twists and turns to hold one’s interest. It’s hard not to enjoy the film’s “just toss it all in” approach to storytelling.
The Majorettes was based on a novel by John Russo, who is also credited as one of the screenwriters on Night of the Living Dead. The film itself was directed by Bill Hinzman, who played the first zombie to show up in Romero’s classic film. There’s not much visual flair to Hinzman’s direction but he keeps the action moving and really, that’s the most important thing that one can do with a film like The Majorettes.
1976’s Creature From Black Lake tells the story of two students at the University of Chicago. Pahoo (Dennis Fimple) and Rives (John David Carson) decide that they want to spend their Spring Break on the Arkansas/Louisiana border, researching the legend that a Bigfoot-like creature that lives in the bayous. (The creature is obviously based on the legendary Fouke Monster, who was also the subject of the 1972 documentary, The Legend of Boggy Creek.)
Pahoo and Rives head down South, looking to interview anyone who has seen the Creature From Black Lake. Some people are willing to talk to them and they tell stories involving the Creature causing cars to crash, killing dogs, and attacking fisherman. The Creature does not sound nice at all. Still, the majority of the people in town don’t really feel like opening up to two Yankee monster hunters. They’re worried that Pahoo and Rives are only in town because they want to portray everyone as being a bunch of ignorant rednecks who are scared of things that go bump in the night.
And really, they have every right to be concerned. I grew up all over the South and the Southwest. My family briefly lived in Fouke, the home of the Fouke Monster. (No, I never saw or heard the monster, mostly because the monster doesn’t exist.) When I was a kid, I lived in both Louisiana and Arkansas, among other states. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that there is no one more condescending than a Northerner who is visiting the South for the very first time. “Why is it so hot?” “Why is everyone down here so polite?” “Why can’t I find a Wawa!?” Seriously, it gets old really quickly. Now, to their credit, Pahoo and Rives are actually pretty polite and considerate when talking to the people who think that they have seen the Creature From Black Lake. But still, one can understand why the town isn’t exactly thrilled to have them asking about monsters.
Anyway, after interviewing both Jack Elam and Dub Taylor about their experiences with the monster and getting yelled at by the local sheriff (played by Bill Thurman), Pahoo and Rives head out to the local swamp, hoping to find the creature themselves. That, of course, turns out to be a huge mistake on their part.
Creature From Black Lake is a deliberately-paced film, which is a polite way of saying that it’s a bit slow. Obviously inspired by The Legend of Boggy Creek, a good deal of the film is taken up with scenes of Pahoo and Rives interviewing people about their encounters with the monster. That said, the film definitely picks up when Pahoo and Rives head into the swamp themselves and their eventual meeting with the monster is well-directed. I have to admit that I spent this entire film dreading the moment when it would be revealed that the Monster was actually misunderstood and peaceful and I appreciated that the film did not go that route. The creature turns out to be no one’s friend and is genuinely menacing.
The cast is full of familiar county character actors, all of whom do a good job bringing their characters to life. Dennis Fimple and John David Carson are likable as the two students. This film was also an early credit for cinematographer Dean Cudney and, just as he would later do for John Carpenter, Cudney creates a perfectly ominous atmosphere of isolation. Creature From Black Lake may start out slow but, ultimately, it’s an effective creature feature.
Through the Shattered Lens