Review: Deadwood (by David Milch)


“Be in my joint in two hours—we’re forming a fuckin’ government.” — Al Swearengen

David Milch’s Deadwood is one of those rare television series that feels less like a conventional prestige drama and more like being dropped into a living, breathing, filthy historical world. Set in the rough gold-rush settlement of Deadwood, South Dakota, during the 1870s, the HBO series takes the familiar pieces of the Western—lawmen, gunfighters, prospectors, saloons, prostitutes, corrupt businessmen, and murder—and turns them into something far richer than a genre exercise. It is a Western, but it is also a story about the difficult, often ugly process of creating a society in the middle of chaos. Civilization in Deadwood is not built by noble speeches or clean acts of heroism. It is assembled through greed, fear, business deals, compromise, bloodshed, exploitation, loyalty, and the occasional act of real compassion.

The show’s biggest strength is its ability to make Deadwood itself feel like one of television’s great settings. At the beginning, the camp exists outside the reach of formal American law, which means everyone who arrives sees an opportunity. Some people come looking for gold. Others come looking to escape old lives, make money, gain power, or take advantage of people too desperate to protect themselves. Every character has a different idea of what Deadwood should become, and the series finds drama in the collision between those competing visions. A claim dispute, a murder, a business arrangement, an illness, a newspaper article, or even a random rumor can become part of the larger struggle over who gets to shape the town’s future.

At the center of that struggle is Seth Bullock, played by Timothy Olyphant with an intensity that makes him seem like he is always one bad conversation away from throwing somebody through a window. Bullock arrives in Deadwood with his friend and business partner Sol Star, hoping to start a hardware business and leave behind his past as a lawman. He wants a calmer, more stable existence, but the town almost immediately drags him back toward violence and public responsibility. Bullock has a powerful sense of justice, but he is not a smooth, patient hero. He is rigid, angry, stubborn, and frequently driven by instinct before reflection. Olyphant gives him a clenched physicality—the hard stare, the tense posture, the barely restrained frustration—that makes it clear Bullock is always fighting to keep the more destructive side of himself under control.

That is what makes Bullock such a compelling protagonist. Deadwood never treats him as a simple white-hat sheriff who comes to tame the frontier. He is more decent than many of the people around him, but he is not uncomplicatedly good. His moral certainty can become self-righteousness, and his willingness to defend the vulnerable can slide into an urge to control a situation through force. At times, Bullock’s anger is justified; at other times, it is frightening. Olyphant’s performance works because he does not try to make Bullock effortlessly likable. Instead, he makes him believable as a man who wants order, justice, and dignity in a place that seems designed to expose every violent impulse he is trying to bury.

If Bullock represents Deadwood’s rough version of moral order, Ian McShane’s Al Swearengen represents its ruthless understanding of power. As the owner of the Gem Saloon, Swearengen initially appears to be the obvious villain: a man who profits from vice, manipulation, intimidation, and murder. McShane gives him such enormous control over the role that every scene becomes more charged when Swearengen walks into it. His speech has a strange, unforgettable rhythm, moving between elaborate insults, sly observations, sudden bursts of rage, and dry comedy. He is part Shakespearean king, part criminal entrepreneur, and part exhausted manager trying to hold together a business and a town full of people who are constantly making life harder for him.

What makes Swearengen one of television’s greatest characters is that the series refuses to flatten him into a conventional bad guy. He is undeniably brutal, often monstrous, and capable of treating human beings as disposable pieces in a larger game. The show never asks the audience to forget that. But as Deadwood faces pressure from outside business interests, political maneuvering, and wealthy figures who see the camp as a resource to be absorbed, Swearengen’s investment in the town becomes clearer. He does not become a hero, but he develops into something more complicated: a man whose selfish ambition is inseparable from a practical, almost territorial loyalty to Deadwood. He understands that the camp can only survive if its people occasionally work together, even if he usually has to manipulate them into doing so.

The relationship between Bullock and Swearengen gives the series much of its electricity. They are rivals, reluctant allies, ideological opposites, and men who recognize certain necessary qualities in each other. Bullock sees Swearengen as a moral disease at the center of the camp. Swearengen sees Bullock as an unpredictable nuisance, but also as someone with the strength and authority to be useful. Their confrontations work because neither man can completely dominate the other. Olyphant and McShane create a tension that goes beyond physical threat. Their conflict reflects the show’s larger question: can Deadwood become a place governed by something closer to law and principle, or will it always belong to the people with the most money, violence, and influence?

Still, Deadwood would not be nearly as great if it were only the Bullock and Swearengen show. Its ensemble is one of HBO’s best, filled with actors who make the camp feel populated by people with histories, grudges, private fears, ambitions, and complicated ties to one another. John Hawkes is excellent as Sol Star, Bullock’s business partner and closest friend. Sol is quieter and more patient than Bullock, but Hawkes never lets that quietness fade into the background. He gives Sol an intelligence and decency that make him a crucial moral and emotional counterweight to Bullock’s volatility. His friendship with Bullock is one of the show’s most believable relationships because Sol understands the good in Bullock without ignoring the damage Bullock’s anger can cause.

Molly Parker is equally strong as Alma Garret, a wealthy widow who gradually becomes much more than an outsider caught in Deadwood’s orbit. Alma could have been written as a standard symbol of refinement in a crude frontier town, but Parker gives her tremendous resolve, intelligence, and emotional restraint. Her story is about survival in a different but no less dangerous form. She is forced to navigate grief, addiction, business interests, motherhood, and the expectations placed on a woman in a violently male world. Her relationship with Bullock is complicated in the best way because it is built from longing, frustration, guilt, repression, and circumstance rather than easy romance.

Anna Gunn brings similar depth to Martha Bullock, who becomes increasingly essential as the series develops. Martha could have been pushed aside as merely the protagonist’s wife, but Gunn makes her one of the clearest-eyed people in the camp. She understands the weight of family, grief, responsibility, and compromise, and she gives the character an emotional firmness that Bullock himself often lacks. Martha does not need grand speeches to establish her strength. Her endurance and intelligence gradually make her one of the show’s most quietly powerful figures.

Robin Weigert’s Calamity Jane is another unforgettable character, and one of the series’ most heartbreaking. Jane is loud, drunk, funny, self-destructive, and seemingly incapable of admitting how deeply she cares about people without covering it in profanity or sarcasm. Weigert finds the sadness beneath every messy outburst. Her love for Wild Bill Hickok, her loyalty to those who treat her with kindness, and her profound discomfort with herself make Jane much more than a colorful Western side character. She can be hilarious one minute and devastating the next, which is exactly the emotional balance Deadwood handles so well.

The supporting cast is so strong that the show continually finds new ways to make minor characters feel essential. Gerald McRaney brings a cold, weathered authority to George Hearst, the wealthy mining magnate whose arrival makes Deadwood’s conflicts larger and more dangerous. Hearst is not simply another local schemer. He represents the corporate and political forces that can crush a place like Deadwood from the outside, turning its chaos into something colder and more organized. McRaney plays him with a calm menace that is often more unsettling than open rage. He does not need to shout to make it clear how much power he has.

Brian Cox is terrific as Jack Langrishe, the theatrical and charismatic impresario whose arrival adds another kind of intelligence to the camp. Langrishe can be charming, funny, and seemingly generous, but Cox always lets the audience see the calculation behind the performance. He understands how to survive around men like Swearengen and Bullock because he knows that people are always playing roles, especially when power is on the line. Garrett Dillahunt also does remarkable work in two very different roles. He first appears as Jack McCall, the disturbed and dangerous killer whose actions leave a permanent mark on the camp. Later, he returns as Francis Wolcott, a polished, educated, deeply unsettling man whose manners barely conceal something vicious underneath. Dillahunt’s ability to make those roles feel so distinct is one of the more impressive acting achievements in the series.

Keith Carradine gives Wild Bill Hickok a tired, melancholy gravitas that makes the legendary lawman feel human rather than mythical. He is aware of his reputation, perhaps exhausted by it, and Carradine captures the loneliness beneath the public image. Jeffrey Jones is wonderfully eccentric as A. W. Merrick, Deadwood’s nervous but idealistic newspaper editor. Merrick’s love of language and belief in the importance of a free press make him both funny and unexpectedly vital. In a town shaped by violence and backroom deals, the act of recording events and trying to tell the truth becomes its own form of resistance.

Kim Dickens is excellent as Joanie Stubbs, a woman carrying deep emotional scars while trying to carve out independence in a world that treats vulnerability as an invitation to exploit someone. Her performance brings tenderness and pain to a character who could have easily been reduced to a plot device. Brad Dourif is another major presence as Doc Cochran, the camp’s exhausted, haunted physician. Dourif makes him funny, strange, compassionate, and spiritually worn down by everything he has seen. Jim Beaver is equally memorable as Whitney Ellsworth, the gruff prospector who gradually reveals himself to be one of the show’s warmest and most honorable people. Powers Boothe’s Cy Tolliver, meanwhile, offers a sharp contrast to Swearengen. He is just as ambitious and cruel, but he lacks Swearengen’s strange capacity for loyalty and for understanding that a town, however dirty and violent, is still an ecosystem that must be maintained.

Milch’s writing is famous for its dense, ornate, profanity-heavy dialogue, and it can take a little time to adjust to the show’s rhythm. These characters do not speak in the clean, direct language of a standard television Western. They circle around their meanings, launch into bizarrely poetic insults, turn routine negotiations into verbal duels, and sometimes say more through implication than through plain statements. But once the language clicks, it becomes one of Deadwood’s greatest pleasures. The dialogue gives the show its own identity. It makes the town sound as alive and unpredictable as it looks.

That stylized language also supports what Deadwood is really about. The series is not interested in selling a clean myth of American rugged individualism. It shows the frontier as a collision between people who need one another and often cannot stand one another. Deadwood grows through compromise, manipulation, sacrifice, corruption, and a slow recognition that nobody can survive entirely alone. Even the most vicious people become tied to a larger network of obligations. The show understands that communities are not built by saints. They are built by flawed, wounded, selfish people who occasionally discover that cooperating is better than destroying each other.

The original series ended after three seasons, which leaves it with an undeniably unfinished quality, but that does not lessen its accomplishments. If anything, the lack of a neat conclusion suits the show’s view of history. Deadwood is always changing, always threatened, and never fully settled. The later film provides a welcome return to the characters and offers some emotional closure, but the series remains the core achievement.

Deadwood is demanding television, but it is never hollow television. Its violence has consequences, its humor is vicious and surprisingly warm, and its characters become richer the more time the audience spends with them. Timothy Olyphant gives Seth Bullock the rage of a man trying to force order onto a world that resists it. Ian McShane turns Al Swearengen into a full, contradictory human being rather than a one-note villain. Around them, Milch assembled an extraordinary ensemble that makes every saloon, storefront, street, and muddy patch of ground feel inhabited. People may start the show for the gunfights, the outlaw mythology, and the famously inventive profanity, but the reason Deadwood endures is its people. It understands that civilization is not born cleanly. It is dragged into existence, often unwillingly, by damaged people trying to make a home in a place that barely resembles one.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 3.8 “Whisper to a Scream”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

This week is Degrassi at its best and most important.

Episode 3.8 “Whisper to a Scream”

(Dir. Philip Earnshaw; originally aired November 12th, 2003)

Ellie is dealing with more than any teenager should have to.

Her father, Colonel Nash (Daniel Lévesque), is deployed overseas, leaving her to take care of her self-centered, alcoholic mother (Kirsten Kieferle). Ellie is up for an internship with Caitlin Ryan, but to get it she’ll have to beat out none other than Paige. Despite the fact that Paige starts wearing glasses to look smarter and “accidentally” spills a drink on Ellie’s shirt, Ellie still manages to get the internship. “I guess she really did feel sorry for you,” Paige says.

The internship is Ellie’s dream job, but now she has to balance it with school and taking care of her mom. Her grades struggle. The ladies in the front office start giving her nasty looks whenever she comes in for a late slip. Whenever the stress gets to be too much, Ellie cuts herself.

This episode is difficult for me to watch. For a time, Degrassi was advertised as the show that “goes there,” and this episode has always hit close to home for me. When I was much younger and blaming myself for my parents’ divorce and the fact that my mom usually had to work more than one job to support me and my sisters, I used to manage my stress in much the same way Ellie did, though I was usually too afraid of scars to actually break the skin. Cutting is a sensitive subject, and not one that is easy for other people to understand or for people who cut to really explain. This episode approaches the subject with intelligence and sensitivity, and Stacey Farber gives a commendable performance.

To the show’s credit, Ellie does not magically get over being a cutter in just 20 minutes. Even after her former rival, Paige, sees the scars on Ellie’s arms and encourages her to talk to the school counselor, Ellie isn’t suddenly better. In a future episode, Ellie will admit, “I’ll always be a cutter,” regardless of whether she’s actually cutting or not. It’s one of those honest moments that sets Degrassi apart from most other teen shows.

I should admit that when Ellie cuts herself, she does so with a drawing compass, and it’s obvious that the point is very dull. This was apparently done on purpose to keep the episode from becoming a “how-to” video. I can understand that. Degrassi shows the dangers of cutting, but it doesn’t shy away from admitting that it also provides an outlet for Ellie’s stress.

This episode’s B-plot is important as well. Someone has been leaving flowers at Terri’s locker. Terri fears that her secret admirer is Toby, and Toby doesn’t help things by saying stuff like, “I don’t know, am I?” Fortunately, it turns out that Toby is not her secret admirer and is just acting weird because he’s trying to test whether or not she has ESP. Instead, Terri’s secret admirer is cute, shy Rick Murray (Ephraim Ellis).

Considering Rick’s ultimate legacy as a Degrassi student, it’s always a bit surprising to be reminded that, in his first appearance, he just came across as a sweet romantic. “Awwww! He left her a poem!” When you already know that Rick is destined to (1) put Terri in a coma and (2) shoot Jimmy in the back, it completely changes how you react to Rick’s courtship of Terri.

Next week, Emma’s back and she’s trying to move on from Sean. Yeah, good luck with that!

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 6.1 “Blood Ties, Part One”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, we start season 6.

Episode 6.1 “Blood Ties: Part 1”

(Dir by Alan Taylor, originally aired on October 17th, 1997)

It’s a new season of Homicide and, while Pembleton and Bayliss have been off working in the robbery division, some changes have occurred.  Sgt. Howard has left Homicide to work in another division.  Brodie’s documentary won an Emmy and he’s moved to Los Angeles.  Melissa Leo and Max Perlich are no longer a part of the cast.

Instead, we have three new detectives.  Gharty and Falsone (ugh!) are now full-time members of the squad.  Joining them is Laura Ballard (Callie Thorne), a recent transfer from Seattle.  When Pembleton and Bayliss return to Homicide, the first that they see is Ballard and Gharty being given a commendation for solving “the Rico case.”  Meanwhile, Falsone is walking around the squad room like he owns the place.  Giardello praises the new detectives and basically acts as if Pembelton and Bayliss are useless.

And listen, as much as I dislike Falsone and Jon Seda’s mumbling performance in the role, I do think that Peter Gerety is well-cast as Gharty.  And Callie Thorne seems like she’ll do a good job as Ballard, even if this episode does spend a bit too much time trying to convince us that she’s the greatest detective since Frank Pembleton.  But, when it comes to Homicide, I want to follow detectives like Munch, Lewis, Pembleton, and Bayliss.  I want to watch as Kellerman battles his demons and Giardello battles his superiors.  My point is that I don’t care about these new people.  I don’t care that Ballard is a hotshot detective.  I don’t care that Gharty is a blue-collar guy who is looking to prove himself.  I can’t stand Falsone.  I don’t want any of these people to be the new lead characters on the show.  I want Melissa Leo with her weird accent.  What are we even doing here, Homicide?

This episode, however, seemed to be determined to force the new characters on me.  For instance, Georgia Mahoney (Hazel Goodman) is in town, looking to get revenge for the death of her brother Luther.  She’s got people shooting at Lewis, Kellerman, and Terri Stivers.  Needless to see, Lewis and Kellerman get involved in tracking down and arresting not only Georgia but also Junior Bunk (Mekhi Phifer), Luther’s incompetent nephew.  However, Falsone gets involved too.  This means that we have to sit through an entire scene of Falsone attempting to interrogate Kellerman about the Mahoney shooting and the inconsistencies in the statements given by Lewis, Stivers, and Kellerman..  Hey, Falsone — YOU’RE THE NEW GUY!  WE LIKE KELLERMAN!  LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU MUMBLING DOUCHEBAG!

Meanwhile, at a banquet honoring distinguished businessman and civil right activist Felix Wilson (James Earl Jones), a young Haitian woman is found beaten to death in the men’s room.  Her name is Melia and she worked for the Wilsons.  Now, in this case, Pembleton and Bayliss are the primaries but Ballard and Gharty still come along to provide support and soon, Ballard and Pembleton are arguing about the best way to handle the investigation.  Ballard thinks that Pembleton is going easy on Felix Wilson because of Wilson’s standing in the black community.  Pembleton thinks that Ballard should remember who the primary investigator is.  And myself, I’m wondering why Pembleton and Ballard are having the type of conversations that Pembleton used to have with Bayliss.  Whenever Pembleton and Bayliss debate prejudice, it works because we know who Pembleton is and we know how Bayliss is.  We don’t know enough about Ballard for her debate with Pembleton to really mean anything.

Apparently, Homicide was nearly cancelled after the end of season 5.  When it was renewed, it was done on the condition that had to improve its rating and win its time slot.  This episode feature a lot of action.  A man on a motorcycle fires at Falsone and Lewis.  A sniper hits Kellerman in the arm.  The cops stop Georgia’s private plane from taking off and arrest her.  Visually, this episode is brightly lit and there’s none of the odd camera angles that dominated the previous few seasons.  Comparing this episode to the episodes that came before it creates a tonal whiplash that can only be compared to going from the Steve Carell-led Office to the Ed Helms version.  It’s not necessarily bad but it just doesn’t feel right.

This episode ends with Georgia in jail and Pembleton still investigating the death of Melia.  Season 6 is off to a start and I’m not really happy about how it’s going so far but we’ll see what happens.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.3 “The Glee Club”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the gang joins the Glee Club!

Episode 3.3 “The Glee Club”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on December 23rd, 1990)

When Zack learns that the winners of a nationwide glee competition will get a trip to Hawaii, he demands that all of his friends join the Bayside Glee Club. The only problem is that Jessie is the only one who can sing, and she refuses to take off her face mask because she thinks she’ll catch COVID Lisa’s cold.

Luckily, Screech’s girlfriend Violet (Tori Spelling) can sing, but she can only do it if Screech is present and supporting her. After Screech acts like an idiot meeting her parents (he mentions that Violet’s mother looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger), Violet is told she’s no longer allowed to spend time around him. Violet will have to quit the Glee Club. Good thing Jessie can sing! Oh no! Jessie took off her face mask and caught Lisa’s cold.

This episode firmly established that Zack is not only a liar but a terrible liar, one who succeeds only because of the exaggerated stupidity of everyone around him. When Mr. Belding demands that Mr. Tuttle whip the Glee Club into shape, Zack’s solution is to tape another glee club’s performance and have Bayside lip-sync to it. Somehow, neither Belding nor Tuttle notices. Later, when the Glee Club performs at the competition, Zack plays the tape again. This time it gets screwed up. At first everyone is singing too fast, then too slow. “That was our impression of a glee club tuning up!” Zack says, and everyone buys it. You can call Zack’s behavior borderline sociopathic and you’ll have a point. But seriously: how dumb is every adult in Zack’s life?

Violet does eventually sing. Screech steps up to support her when she falters. Bayside wins the competition, even though they really should have been disqualified for all of that “tuning up” nonsense. Violet’s parents are so impressed by Screech’s support that they decide he can date their daughter. If I remember correctly, Violet disappeared after one more episode.

This episode does have one truly funny moment. When Jessie says she caught Lisa’s cold, everyone glares at Lisa. “Sorry,” Lisa says, in a tone that suggests she’s not that sorry. Lark Voorhies delivers the line perfectly. Otherwise the episode suffers because it revolves around two of the worst actors to ever grace the halls of Bayside. Any episode that features Screech’s love life is destined for cringe.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 8/23/26 — 8/29/26


I spent this week binging Crime Story, St. Elsewhere, and Baywatch.  My goal here is to write up three months worth of Retro Television Reviews over the next week so that I can devote all of September and October to horrorthon.

I also watched Big Brother 28.  Thursday was the 1,000th episode of Big Brother.  Since I’ve see every episode, I did the math and discovered that I have spent the equivalent of 43 days just watching Big Brother.  That left me feeling very depressed.

On Friday, my friend Pat McCurry put together a tribute for Tim Curry and Dolly Parton.  First, we watched a thoroughly forgettable 2000 sitcom called Bette.  As you can guess from the title, it starred Bette Midler as herself.  The episode that we watched featured Bette appearing on Dolly Parton’s Halloween special.  Dolly was charming.  The rest of the sitcom was pretty forgettable.  We followed this with an episode of a 90s crime show called Wiseguy.  Tim Curry played a crooked music producer.  The show was serialized so I really couldn’t follow the plot but Curry gave a typically magnetic preformance.

Along with my binging, I also watched and reviewed CHiPs, Pacific Blue, 1st & Ten, Hunter, Sledge Hammer, and Saved By The Bell.

And I also watched a Republican Presidential Primary Debate from 1996!  It was on YouTube.  I liked that Lamar Alexander.  Did he win?

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.17 “The Chamber”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch gets the bends (snicker)!

Episode 2.17 “The Chamber”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonann, originally aired on March 2nd, 1992)

Mitch has a lot to think about. Summer is nearly over, and Gayle wants Hobie to return to Ohio for school. Craig, now living in Connecticut, sends Mitch a letter offering to help him get a job as a salesman. It would mean more money, but also a lot of traveling — and no more lifeguarding.

Mitch takes to the ocean in a kayak to clear his head. When he comes across a panicked boy on a boat, he learns that the boy’s father was scuba diving and is trapped 90 feet underwater. Mitch free-dives to free the father. Both men reach the surface, but they’ve both got …. THE BENDS!

The bends may have a silly name, but it’s a real condition, and it can be fatal. Because the father is in worse shape, he goes into the decompression chamber first. Mitch isn’t doing well either, so Baywatch rushes him back to the mainland and puts him in their own chamber. Then everyone waits for Mitch to recover.

And Mitch has flashbacks. Flashback after flashback. That’s right: this is a clip show. This is Baywatch at its cheapest. This is Baywatch showing clips that featured a totally different actor playing Hobie. Eventually, once the show runs out of clips, Mitch has a brief out-of-body experience — and then he wakes up.

This is Baywatch at its silliest, but it’s also David Hasselhoff at his most earnest. Say what you will about the show, Hasselhoff always seemed to take it very seriously. Or at least he did until Baywatch Hawaii. Luckily, that’s several seasons away.

Clip shows always feel like a wasted episode, but they’re also incredibly easy to review. This episode has that going for it.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer! 1.3 “Witless”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

This week, Sledge meets the Maninotes.

Episode 1.3 “Witless”

(Dir by Jackie Cooper, originally aired on October 3rd, 1986)

Upset that crime has fallen in the city due to the insanity of just one cop, Don Phillip Souza (Al Ruscio) announces that he will pay a million dollars to anyone who can bring him Sledge Hammer in a box. When his accountant (Basil Hoffman) points out that a million dollars is a lot of money, Souza explains that he’s running a weekly special.

Fortunately for Sledge, it turns out that the city’s assassins are even dumber than he is. On his way to work, he has several close calls that he fails to notice. A knife is tossed at him but is blocked by his newspaper (which is extra thick because of the addition of several new Zodiac signs). Two hitmen accidentally shoot each other when he leans forward. Sledge spills his poisoned coffee before he can drink it. It’s not until he arrives at work and ends up juggling a lit stick of dynamite in Captain Trunk’s office that he realizes someone is after him.

Captain Trunk orders Hammer to hide out in the country. Unfortunately, the cop driving him explains that he has 12 kids and needs the money both to pay for their school and for a vasectomy. A struggle ends with Hammer getting tossed out of the car. He lands in a field, where he is discovered by farmer Jacob (Lewis Arquette) and his daughter, Isadora (Ann Ryerson).

Jacob and Isadora may ride in a buggy and eschew modern technology, but they’re not Amish. They’re not Mennonites either. Instead, they are Maninotes. Isadora insists that Hammer stay in their farmhouse until he recovers. Jacob insists that he do chores. Sledge milks a cow. Sledge tosses hay. Sledge tries and fails to build a barn.

As you probably already guessed, “Witless” is a parody of the 1985 film Witness. It’s definitely an affectionate parody. It doesn’t make fun of the movie so much as it imagines what would have happened if Harrison Ford’s sensitive and intelligent detective had been replaced by a trigger-happy lunatic. Sledge may be attracted to Isadora, but in the end his true love remains his gun. And when the assassins (led by the Don’s accountant) arrive at the farm, Jacob and Isadora appear with machine guns. When Hammer points out that Maninotes are supposed to be against violence, Jacob shrugs. “It’s the ’80s,” he says.

Eventually, Sledge gets in a box and has himself delivered to the Don so that he can collect the money. When Officer Doreau tells Sledge that he can’t take the money because it’s evidence, Sledge laughs and says that he won’t be pressing charges. Instead, he takes the money and gives it to Jacob and Isadora. Jacob says that he’s going to repair the barn and then buy a Porsche.

This is a hilarious episode, from the sight gags at the start to Sledge’s efforts to help out around the farm. The humor is cheerfully absurd. (At one point, when the accountant is slowly creeping up on Sledge, one of the other assassins walks up and takes his place so the accountant can take a break.) David Rasche plays Sledge with just the right amount of clueless enthusiasm. I laughed throughout. Sledge Hammer may be witless, but he’s also very funny.

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.8 “Watch The Skies”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, the hospital becomes a very sad place.

Episode 4.8 “Watch the Skies”

(Dir by Bethany Rooney, originally aired on November 27, 1985)

Mr. Zapata (Frank Ramirez) comes to the ER complaining of stomach pains. He tells Dr. Fiscus that he doesn’t have time for an examination. He just needs something for the pain so he can go back to his job on the loading docks. Fiscus calls in Dr. Westphall, the most depressing man on the planet, for a consult. When Zapata faints, Westphall diagnoses him as suffering from malnutrition. Zapata is an immigrant from El Salvador, and all of his money goes to paying for food for his kids and younger siblings. When he’s given food at the hospital, he insists that his sister, Morena (Edith Diaz), be allowed to take it home for the family.

It’s a sad story. Of course, Westphall makes it all about himself and his struggle to get the Hospital Board to approve his social outreach programs. For the thousandth time this season, he tells Auschlander that he thought people would automatically agree to all of his ideas. Westphall is the only character I know who can meet a man who is starving and turn it into a pity party for himself.

Speaking of sad stories, Colonel Cochrane (David Ackroyd) is informed that, even if he does regain the ability to walk, he will probably never be allowed to ride in another space shuttle. NASA feels that Cochrane’s religious fervor would make people nervous. (Really?) Cochrane’s wife gets frustrated with him always talking about God and leaves him. Cochrane has yet another vision of himself floating in space. He falls out of his hospital bed and nearly breaks his neck. Dr. Morrison tells Cochrane that God would not want him to destroy himself.

Poor Dr. Morrison. He spends this entire episode getting physically ill because he’s so worried about taking his third remedial exam. It’s actually kind of amazing that Morrison is being allowed to treat high-profile patients (like the astronaut) when he really shouldn’t even be allowed to practice medicine in the first place. (Last season, in case you forgot, Morrison confessed to getting his medical degree from a fly-by-night medical school in South America.)

When Dr. Turner’s ex-husband (Charles Weldon) comes to the hospital and asks her to consider returning to her hometown in Mississippi and serving as the town’s doctor, Chandler gets jealous. Turner informs Chandler that he’ll never be a good doctor unless he learns how to care about other people. Then she dumps him.

At the insistence of Bobby Caldwell, Ehrlich is kicked out of his plastic surgery rotation and assigned to gynecology. Meanwhile, Bobby continues to be a sleaze who hits on every woman in the hospital while obsessing over his new facial scar.

Nurse Rosenthal gets into an argument with abrasive Nurse Lucy Papandrao (Jennifer Savidge). Rosenthal accuses Lucy of being “autocratic.” Lucy accuses Rosenthal of being a suck-up who brings all of her personal problems into the hospital and whose “bratty kids are calling up here all the time.” Rosenthal slaps Lucy. Somehow, Rosenthal does not lose her job, which kind of supports Lucy’s claim that Rosenthal gets special treatment.

Seriously, is no one happy at St. Eligius?

Well, there is one happy couple, and their identity might surprise you. When Dr. Craig comes into work, he finds Gene Galecki (Ramon Bieri) waiting for him with Dr. Craig’s infant granddaughter, Barbara. Gene explains that Yvonne seems to be reacting well but that she still has a long way to go in her recovery. Gene says that he and his wife are going to have to devote all of their time to taking care of Yvonne. He asks Dr. Craig to look after Barbara. Dr. Craig agrees. When he calls Ellen and gives her the news, she’s overjoyed. For that matter, so is Dr. Craig.

So Mark and Ellen Craig end this episode happy. Who would have guessed? Personally, I’m happy for them. Watching this show, it’s easy to get used to the idea of Dr. Craig as always being sarcastic and prickly. This episode reminds us that Dr. Craig is just as compelling when he’s in a good mood.

In the end, there’s a lot of sadness in this episode. Fortunately, there’s some happiness too. That’s a lesson for us all.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Hunter 1.18 “Fire Man”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Hunter, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1991.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, things are getting hot!

Episode 1.18: “Fire Man”

(Dir Tony Mordente, originally aired May 11th, 1985)

Somebody in Los Angeles has got a military-grade flamethrower and is using it to set fires all over the city.

When a homeless man perishes in a burning warehouse, Hunter and McCall get involved. Their first suspect is a nervous man named Jack Lachman (William Russ, giving a better performance than the material probably deserved), who always seems to show up in the crowds that gather to watch the flames. Jack swears he’s innocent and that the arsonist is instead a former Special Forces operative with whom he served in Vietnam.  Jack also claims that the arsons are connected to a war crime that Jack and his fellow soldiers covered up.

Also getting involved is Matt Gold (Mark Schneider), a reporter determined to get the story and unconcerned about whether he messes up the investigation in the process. At first, McCall thinks Matt is harmless. Hunter does not. Not surprisingly, Hunter turns out to be right: the media gets in the way of solving and preventing crimes.

This episode was all about visual style. The plot wasn’t terribly complicated, but the shots of the arsonist setting his fires were disturbing, as were the images of the flames quickly consuming anything they touched. The scene in which the arsonist takes out a witness was disturbingly violent, even by Hunter’s standards. At the same time, the song that seemed to play whenever the arsonist appeared quickly got old.

As violent as the episode got, there was something reassuring about Hunter and McCall once again stopping the bad guy and saving the city—and doing it while trading quips. It’s a scary world out there, this episode seemed to be saying, but luckily we’ve got Hunter and McCall to take out the trash.

 

Retro Television Review: Juvenile Court 1.1 “Pilot”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursday, I will be reviewing Juvenile Court, which aired its only episode in syndication in 1958.  The show can be found on YouTube!

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Ralph Nelson, originally aired on September 1st, 1958)

Fifteen-year-old Raymond Pearson (Lee Kinsolving) has been charged with trying to steal a car and almost beating the car’s owner to death. Now he sits in a courtroom with his stepparents and sullenly listens as Commissioner Robert Dortman (Ken Lynch) questions his family and his squirmy accomplice, Charlie Wiggins (Tommy Cook). Dortman’s questions eventually reveal that Raymond’s crimes are linked to his conflicted feelings about his biological father, who wants nothing to do with him. Though Dortman has sympathy for Raymond, he still has to sentence him to juvenile hall. His stepfather promises to support Raymond as best he can.

The key to understanding Juvenile Court is a title card at the start that thanks the Los Angeles Juvenile Courts for their assistance. The pilot is a no-frills courtroom drama that takes place in one location and is essentially just a guy asking questions and then listening to the answers. One can understand why it didn’t become a series: while the actors are all good and believable, the episode’s style is extremely dry.

The interesting thing about this episode is the way it mixes the approaches of both the Left and the Right when it comes to examining Raymond’s crimes. The liberal will look at this show and say, “Raymond became a criminal because he never had a chance to be anything else, not with his father and his insecurities.” The conservative will look at it and say, “Raymond nearly beat a man to death. That’s all that matters.” The show says, “You’re both right!” We learn about Raymond’s sad background, but we also watch as Raymond is sentenced to confinement.

This show reminded me a bit of Decoy, the Beverly Garland cop show that I recently finished reviewing. They’re both from the late ’50s, and they both attempted to capture the feel of a documentary. Just as Decoy’s Casey Jones often had to arrest people who weren’t entirely evil, the commissioner has to send Raymond to juvie despite understanding what led Raymond to commit his criminal acts.

Seen today, Juvenile Court is the type of thing that appeals largely to history nerds like me. There’s not much drama, but it’s still interesting to see what the world was like nearly 70 years ago.