Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. The show is once again on Tubi!

“Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Episode 7.15 “Dark Secret/The Outrageous Mr. Smith”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

Eh. I didn’t like this episode. Sorry, Mr. Roarke, no smiles today.

Robert Smith (Engelbert Humperdinck) wants to be a singing star but he suffers from stage fright. He’s created a smarmy alter ego who doesn’t have stage fright but he wants to be able to perform on his own, without having to retreat into a fantasy world. His alter ego responds by coming to life and sleeping with Robert’s wife (Elaine Joyce). Personally, if I was the writer of this episode, I would have just ended the story right there but it turns out that Robert’s alter ego only exists in his mind. His wife walks in on Robert yelling at himself and is overjoyed to discover that Robert has finally found the confidence to perform on stage.

Just typing all of that made my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Amy Marshall (Markie Post) is married to Christopher (Larry Wilcox) but their marriage is troubles because Amy has never told Christopher that she was raped just a few days before the wedding. She never reported the rape to the police and she’s never dealt with the trauma that she still carries with her. This is a very sensitive subject so, of course, Fantasy Island screws it up by suggesting that Amy is somehow to blame for all of the trouble in the marriage because she didn’t tell Christopher about what happened. Amy worries that Christopher will leave her if he finds out. Christopher does find out and he gets mad at her for not telling him and threatens to leave, not only proving Amy’s point but also suggesting, to me, that their marriage isn’t really worth saving. Amy deserves someone better than a guy whose response to hearing that his wife got raped is to get mad at her. Then Amy’s rapist (Michael Callan) shows up on the island and attacks her again. Amy fights back and is on the verge of stabbing the bastard to death when Mr. Roarke shows up and removes the knife from her hand and instead has the Fantasy Island police take the guy away. Christopher and Amy leave the Island, their marriage stronger than ever.

Meanwhile, I had to stop myself from throwing something at the television. First off, the story suggests that somehow Amy is to blame for not telling Christopher about what happened but Christopher’s reaction showed exactly why she didn’t tell him and it also showed that Amy’s best option would have been to get a divorce. Then the show suggests that the best way to give Amy her fantasy of finding freedom from her trauma was to have the rapist nearly rape her again! Mr. Roarke, at one point, states that Amy’s safety is his number one concern and that he has his entire police force looking for the rapist. But Roarke has already been established as having God-like powers so if Roarke wanted to find the guy before he attacked Amy, he certainly could have.

As well, what is the deal with all of these criminals and assorted lowlifes making it to the Island in the first place? Mr. Roarke often brags about running a background check on everyone who comes to the Island, which again suggests that no one comes to Fantasy Island unless Roarke wants them there. So, why are there so many terrible people on the Island?

This episode …. ugh.

Horror Song of the Day: Tonight is Prom Night by Paul Zaza

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s song of the day comes from the soundtrack of one of the greatest Canadian films ever made, 1980’s Prom Night! I dare you not to dance!

Horror On The Lens: The Creeping Terror (dir by Vic Savage)

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, we have got a true classic. First released in 1964, The Creeping Terror is the best film ever made about a carpet eating people.

This film is famous for its use of narration. Apparently, the original soundtrack was lost and, after attempting to dub a few scenes, director Vic Savage instead just hired radio news reader Larry Burrell to tell people what was happening in each scene. As well, Savage himself later vanished when the film’s investors came looking for their money. No one is really sure what happened to Vic Savage, though there is some evidence that he subsequently died of liver failure in 1975. I like to think that Vic Savage faked his dead and that he is still alive somewhere, probably in his 90s and drinking pina coladas on a beach.

Some consider this film to be one of the worst ever made. I love it.

Music Video of the Day: The Valley by Bill Wyman and Terry Taylor (1985, dir by Michele Soavi)

Posted on October 21, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s music video of the day is for an instrumental piece that was composed by Bill Wyman and Terry Taylor for Dario Argento’s 1985 film, Phenomena.

Put together by Michele Soavi, this music video features not only scenes from the film but also clips of Dario Argento directing both Jennifer Connelly and Fiore Argento. Soavi, of course, went on to have a directorial career of his own, directing four classic horror films before stepping away from feature films to take care of his ailing son. Soavi has since returned to directing, though most of his subsequent work has been for Italian television.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.18 “The Hawk and the Hunter”

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, we finally meet Barizca’s family.

Episode 4.18 “The Hawk and the Hunter”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on April 5th, 1981)

In this episode, we learn a little bit more about Officer Barizca. Played by Brodie Greer, Barizca has been an important member of the ensemble since the first season but, up until this point, we really haven’t learned much about his life outside of driving a patrol car and directing traffic at crash sites.

It turns out that Barizca’s father, Pete (Sandy McPeak), is a crop duster. When it becomes clear that Pete is getting too old to fly his airplane, Barizca takes a leave of absence from the Highway Patrol so that he can help out. Hopefully, Barizca will find the courage to finally tell his father that it’s time to retire.

Meanwhile, there’s an environmentalist nutjob named Lyle (Dwight Schultz) who is convinced that the Barizcas are spreading poison with their airplane. Lyle has been sending threats to Pete so, eventually Barizca flies over Lyle and covers him in pesticide to help the Highway Patrol arrest him. So, I guess Lyle really is going to die now.

At the end of the episode, Pete retires and Barizca returns to patrolling the highways.

This was an okay episode, in that the scenery was nice and I did appreciate that the show made an effort to focus on something other than Ponch being the best at everything. Dwight Shultz was believably unhinged as Lyle and there was an interesting tension between him and Baker as both of them were Vietnam vets. Unfortunately, the Barizcas themselves just weren’t that interesting. This episode was a case of “You’ve seen one strained father-son relationship, you’ve seen them all.”

That said, I hope next week’s episode will introduce us to Grossman’s family.

Horror On TV: Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy in The Pumpkin That Wouldn’t Smile (dir by Chuck Jones)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Awwww, that poor pumpkin! Well, hopefully, he’s smiling now!

This animated special originally aired on Halloween night in 1979. I would imagine that the crying pumpkin probably traumatized children across America. Hopefully, all the kids were out trick or treating when this aired. Myself, I remember that when I was a kid, I would help my mom carve a pumpkin every year. And then I would get so depressed when we later had to throw it out. Seriously, I would get really attached to those jack o’lanterns.

Anyway, this cartoon is before my time but I have a feeling that, if I had been around to watch it, I would have been depressed for a whole year afterwards.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.3 “Heart of Night”

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Castillo gets an adventure of his own.

Episode 5.3 “Heart of Night”

(Dir by Paul Krasny, originally aired on November 18th, 1988)

This is season 5’s Castillo episode.

Castillo got to be at the center of one episode per season. Usually, it involved someone from his past resurfacing and Castillo having to go full samurai (or ninja, as the case may be) to protect them. That’s certainly the case here, in which Castillo’s ex-wife (Rosalind Chao, replacing Joan Chen) approaches Castillo because she and her husband (James Saito) are being targeted by Rivas (Bob Gunton), an Ecuadorian drug dealer who — *sigh* — has connections to the CIA.

This episode wasn’t really bad. It just felt awfully familiar. Even Edward James Olmos, who usually shined whenever he got a solo adventure, seems kind of bored in this episode. At this point in the series, there was really nothing surprising about the revelation that a South American drug lord was working with the CIA. Just about every drug lord on the show was portrayed as working for the CIA. It’s also not a surprise when Castillo’s ex’s new husband turns out to be corrupt. The episode ends with Castillo watching as the women he still loves walk away from him and, again, been there done that. Almost this entire episode felt like Miami Vice on autopilot.

Crockett appeared for about two minutes in this episode. He has his memory back and he’s working for the Vice Squad again. Castillo points out that Crockett is still being investigated for numerous murders and he suggests that Crockett take some time off. Crockett reluctantly agrees. Shouldn’t Crockett be in prison right now? The man was the biggest drug lord in Miami. He killed a cop (albeit in self-defense). I’m surprised he would be allowed back into the Vice Squad with all that hanging over him. If not sitting in jail, Crockett should at least be under suspension.

It’s just another weird day in Miami.

A Blast From The Past: The Man With Wax Faces (dir by Maurice Tourneur)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horrific blast from the past, we have a French horror film called The Man With Wax Faces. Filmed in 1914 by Maurice Tourneur, this 11-minute film was the first horror movie to be set in a wax museum. Based on a play that had earlier been performed at the infamous Grand Guignol, The Man With Wax Faces was technically very advanced for 1914. This film is not just a horror story. It was also a chance for Tourneur to experiment with and explore what could be done on film.

The story is a simple one and one that viewers should be able to follow, even if they can’t read the French title cards. An arrogant man who claims that nothing has ever frightened him accepts a bet to spend the night in a wax museum. Secretly, his friend also stays in the museum to make sure that all of the conditions of the bet are honored. Madness and tragedy follow.

Director Maurice Tourneur also made some films in Hollywood during the silent era, before eventually returning to France. His son, Jacques Tourneur, follows in his footsteps and directed several memorable horror films, including Cat People, I Walked With A Zombie. and Night of the Demon.

October True Crime: Swearing Allegiance (dir by Richard Colla)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Greenish brown female sheep,” the two lovers at the center of 1997’s Swearing Allegiance often tell each other.

It’s their code and only they understand what it means. It’s not that hard to figure out.

Greenish Brown = Olive

Female Sheep = Ewe

Olive Ewe.

Say it out loud.

I love you.

That seems cute until you really think about it. David Graham (David Lipper) and Diane Zamora (Holly Marie Combs) are high school sweethearts in Texas. They go to different high schools but they’re totally in love (or they say). David is planning on attending the Air Force Academy in Colorado. Diane is entering the Naval Academy and she hopes to someday be an astronaut. Diane is so convinced that she and David are going to be together forever that she loses her virginity to him. David, for his part, seems to be a bit of a lunkhead but he leads the ROTC with an intense determination. They’ll tell anyone who asks that they’re going to get married and be together forever.

And yet, neither one ever really tells the other, “I love you.” Instead, they speak through code. It’s cute. It’s the sort of thing that I used to do when I was like 12. But when you’re nearly an adult and you’re still saying, “Greenish Brown Female Sheep,” it suggests that you might not be as ready for life outside of high school as you think you are.

One night, after a teary David confesses to Diane that he cheated on her with one of his teammates on the school’s track team, Adrianne “A.J.” Jones (Cassidy Rae), Diane snaps. Instead of dumping David, she tells him that the only way they can make things right is by murdering Adrianne, which is what they proceed to do. They almost get away with it. With the police focusing their attention on the wrong guy, David and Diane leave town for their respective colleges. David and Diane swear to themselves that, from now on, they are going to live with honor and loyalty….

This made-for-TV movie was based on an actual crime that happened outside of Mansfield, Texas in 1995. For years, the crime itself lived on as a cautionary tale that was told to teenage girls (including myself) in order to keep us from sneaking out and sneaking around. Interestingly enough, in 2005, Zamora’s attorney said that the prosecution deliberately withheld evidence that David Graham had been lying about having sex with Adrianne Jones as a part of twisted scheme to keep Diane from breaking up with him. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I do know that, whatever may have happened between Adrianne and David Graham, she deserved better than to be murdered and then turned into a cautionary tale.

One thing I do like about the film is that it is clearly on Adrianne’s side. Cassidy Rae gives a sympathetic performance as Adrianne, playing her as a genuinely nice person who fell victim to David and Diane’s toxic relationship. David Lipper is a bit blank-faced as David but Holly Marie Combs is appropriately intense as the obsessive Diane Zamora. The film actually aired before the case went to trial, which shows that, even in the 90s, there was always a thin line between tragedy and entertainment.

Zamora and Graham are currently both in prison. Zamora took a polygraph in 2007 but the results were tossed out when it was determined that she was trying to alter her breathing to fool the machine. As Zamora now claims that Graham alone was responsible for killing Adrianne, I imagine they’re no longer speaking about greenish brown female sheep.

Guilty Horror Pleasure #87: The ‘Burbs (dir by Joe Dante)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1989’s The ‘Burbs takes place in …. well, it’s right there in the title.

Welcome to the suburbs! It’s place with big houses, green lawns, and neighbors who often don’t have much to do other than watch each other and gossip. Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) lives with his wife, Carol (Carrie Fisher), and is friends with Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun) and Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern). Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman) is the local teenager. It’s a nice neighborhood …. at least, until the Klopeks move in.

The Klopeks are viewed with suspicion from the minute they show up. They’re from a different country, they always seem to be burying something in their backyard, and Dr. Werner Klopek (Henry Gibson) is oddly stand-offish. When Walter Seznick (Gale Gordon) disappears and the the Klopeks are seen around Walter’s house and with Walter’s dog, Ray and his friends start to suspect that their new neighbors might be ritualistic murderers!

Oh, how I love The ‘Burbs. The film’s portrait of the suburbs as being a hotbed of paranoia may be a familiar one but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got actors like Tom Hanks and Bruce Dern throwing themselves into their roles. As always, Hanks is the glue that holds the film and its disparate parts together, giving a likable performance as a man who goes from being the voice of reason to being convinced that his neighbors are cannibals. Bruce Dern gleefully sends up his own image as a paranoid Vietnam vet but there’s also a sweetness to Dern’s performance that really makes it stand out. Dern’s character might be a little crazy but he does truly care about his neighbors.

Just as he did with Piranha and The Howling, Dante balances humor with suspense. He does such a good job of telling the story and getting good performances from his cast, that even the film’s big twist works far better than one might expect. It’s an 80s film so, of course, a few things explode towards the end of it. The film’s character-based humor is replaced with some broader jokes but no matter. The Burbs is an entertaining trip to the heart of suburban paranoia.

As the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t out to get you.

Previous Guilty Pleasures