Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

Posted on December 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, there’s a lot happening on the beach!

Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

(Dir by Vern Gillum, originally aired on December 1st, 1989)

Eddie gets his wisdom teeth taken out. Feverish and on pain-killers, he has a hallucination in which Gina Pomeroy (Holly Gagnier) kisses him. Eddie spends the entire episode nervous that Craig is going to discover that he’s having an affair with his wife but actually, Eddie isn’t having an affair. It’s not until the end of the episode that Gina tells Eddie that they never kissed and Eddie finally starts to relax. Gina promises not to tell Craig because “I think it’s sweet.” Myself, I’m just curious as to how stupid Eddie actually is.

Shauni and Jill deal with a teenage boy who has made a bet with his friends that he’ll be able to get a kiss from both of them.

And a horrifying serial killer (Robert Trebor) is stalking the night, brutally murdering people on the beach.

One of these storylines is not like the other!

The first season of Baywatch was seriously weird. Light-hearted lifeguard hi-jinx would be mixed in with scenes of people being murdered. Mitch and Craig weren’t just lifeguards. They were also cops who solved mysteries (Kind of like Baywatch Nights!) and they put their lives at risk to do so. Remember how I mentioned that Gina told Eddie that they never kissed? She told him that after she had been rescued from the serial killer. Gina nearly died! Neither Gina nor Craig seemed to be too upset about that, though. I would be a little bit traumatized but that’s just me.

This episode really didn’t work for me. Personally, I like the light-hearted stuff. It’s dumb but, at heart, Baywatch’s appeal is that it’s a dumb show with nice scenery. Tossing a serial killer into the mix just made things unpleasant. It didn’t feel like it belonged on a show about people running on the beach in red bathing suits.

This is my last Baywatch review of 2025. Retro Television Reviews will be taking a break for the holidays so that I can focus on Awards Season and Christmas movies! Baywatch will return on January 10, 2026.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.3 “Second Wave”

Posted on October 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Trouble comes to Malibu!

Episode 1.3 “Second Wave”

(Dir by Scott Brazil, originally aired on October 13th, 1989)

Jimmy Roche (Daniel Quinn), an old friend-turned-enemy of Eddie’s, is in Malibu and he and his gang are eager to give Eddie a hard time. When Eddie tries to rescue a man in the water, Jimmy trips him and then plays keep-away with Eddie rescue can. Dang, these guys are hardcore!

Eddie doesn’t want to tell anyone about his past, even after Jimmy files an assault complaint against him. (Eddie was provoked into throwing a punch.) Jimmy threatens to robs Gina and Craig unless Eddie gives him some money. Eddie agrees to meet with Jimmy but then tells the cops. Garner Ellerbee decides to set up an undercover sting, which basically means that Garner stands next to Eddie while Eddie waits for Jimmy to show up. Somehow, Jimmy figures out what’s going on. Looks like Eddie will just have to beat Jimmy up on the beach and prove that he’s no longer a delinquent from Philadelphia.

That would be an intense storyline, if not for the fact that Jimmy himself comes across as being kind of a wimp. I mean, a young David Spade is a member of his gang! Eddie allows himself to be intimidated by a young David Spade! Think about that. This storyline just made Eddie seem kind of dumb,

Meanwhile, a young Mariska Hargitay gave a terrible performance as Lisa (hey!), the daughter of the head of the country club. Lisa (!) decided to pursue a romance with the country club’s lifeguard, Trevor, as a way of upsetting her father. When Lisa (!) jumped into the ocean to make a point (though I’m not sure what point), Trevor rescued her. However, Lisa (!) later went into shock because she still had water in her lungs. Trevor was able to get her to the hospital in time but he learned an important lesson about not being a cocky lifeguard.

“The county lifeguards know about secondary drowning,” he’s told.

Okay, so why wouldn’t Trevor know about that? The whole idea behind Trevor’s character is that he was a hotshot lifeguard in Australia before he came to California. So, is the show implying that he wasn’t trained in lifeguard basics in Australia because given how famous Australia is for its beaches, I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, after she recovers Lisa (!) announces that she’s going back to New York and Trevor realizes that she was only using him to make her father angry. Trevor stops by Baywatch HQ and talks to Mitch and admits that he doesn’t enjoy working as a lifeguard. Lifeguard Jill Riley gives him a sympathetic look. It looks like they’re falling in love but I’ve seen this series before so I already know that Jill is going to get eaten by a shark and Trevor is going to vanish after a few more episodes.

This episode could have used a shark.

We love you, Roboshark!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.2 “Heat Wave”

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.2 “Heat Wave”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 29th, 1989)

Not much of an episode this week, I’m afraid.

California is dealing with a heat wave and no one has air conditioning (really?) so everyone in Los Angeles is heading down to the beach so that they can relax in the hot sand. Eddie and Trevor keep giving each other the side eye because Eddie is a Baywatch lifeguard and Trevor is a country club life guard. Eddie tries to hit on a woman who has spent the entire day relaxing near his tower but it turns out that she’s visiting from Australia and only has eyes for Trevor. “Maybe next time,” she tells Eddie.

Craig is told by his boss that he has to choose between being a lawyer at a big firm or a lifeguard. Craig’s wife, Gina, suggests that Craig quit the law firm and become a beachfront lawyer. She says that he can still be a lifeguard and he can just use their kitchen table as his desk. I don’t know if I would be as understanding as Gina. Craig was making a lot of money as a big corporate lawyer, even if he apparently couldn’t afford to get an air conditioner.

(What the Heck, California? How are you surviving with air conditioning!?)

Meanwhile, two stupid kids get trapped in a storm drain. Mitch sends the junior lifeguards out to look for them. Hobie asks, “What can a bunch of junior lifeguards do?” Mitch replies that this is an opportunity for the junior lifeguards to go to all the places that they’re usually not allowed to go. So, basically, Mitch’s plan to find the missing kids is to put a bunch of other kids at risk. I guess that’s why he’s the lieutenant.

Luckily, the two dumb kids are rescued. One of the kids is the son of Steve Humboldt (Jeffrey Byron), a former Baywatch lifeguard. It turns out that Steve lost custody of his kid in a court case and he basically abducted him. But, after the kid nearly dies, Steve is like, “We’re going to call your mom and go home!” and that apparently makes everything okay under the “He Changed His Mind Afterwards” clause.

This was all pretty dumb. Stay out of the storm drain, kids! It’s not that difficult.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.1 “In Deep”

Posted on October 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Hobie’s a snitch!

Episode 1.1 “In Deep”

(Dir by Peter H. Hunt, originally aired on September 22nd, 1989)

Hobie, you idiot!

Mitch’s young son is spending the summer with his father and he’s supposed to be concentrating on summer school. Instead, he hanging out with two older guys, Scott (Christopher Murphy) and Ron (Lance Gilbert), and basically letting himself be used as a slave in return for jet ski lessons.

Mitch is not a fan of jet skis. They’re unregulated and they’re dangerous, he says. As if to prove Mitch’s point, Scott collides with a windjammer! The woman on the windjammer is killed. (Craig and Eddie pull her body out of the ocean, which is the type of sad thing that Baywatch would eventually stop featuring.) Hobie, realizing Scott is guilty, tries to find the evidence to prove it and nearly gets himself killed as a result. Fortunately, Mitch is able to save him and Scott is arrested. I have to say that, after this episode, I kind of found myself agreeing with Mitch’s ex-wife. The beach is too dangerous!

Meanwhile, Craig caught Eddie sleeping in his lifeguard tower and realized that Eddie, who I assume is getting paid to be a lifeguard, doesn’t have a home. Did he ever have a home? Has he been sleeping on the beach all this time? How did he apply for Lifeguard School without an address? Anyway, Craig takes Eddie back to his Venice loft, where Craig’s wife (now played by Holly Gagnier, replacing the pilot’s Gina Hecht) decides that they should let Eddie rent their storage room. It’s even got a view of the beach, if you ignore all the other buildings in the way and instead just find that one unobstructed alley to look down. (Actually, Eddie finding and looking down that alley was cute and likable. He was so excited!) I have to say that, for a lawyer, Craig’s loft really sucked. It was pretty impressive for a lifegaurd, though.

The other big development this week is that Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams) made his first appearance as the beach cop who hates sand. (Then why become a beach cop?) He and Mitch appear to be old friends. Little do they know that they will eventually open up a detective agency together.

This episode was predictable but the cast was super likable. The earnestness of it all carried the day.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier

Posted on October 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, I start a new series of reviews. Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch. All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….

“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

It’s not easy being a lifeguard.

That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch. Consider the drama:

Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call). Hobie doesn’t like going to school. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father. Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues. He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard. His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that. Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks. Ewwww. You have to wear socks, Mitch!

Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard. He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system. Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl. Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard. I bet it’s never happened to Mitch. Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself. Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.

Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.

Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”

Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower. Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower. He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick). Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him. When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her. Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht). This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.

This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages. Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks. Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out. Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.

And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success. The beach scenery is nice. The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it. Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention. It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.

Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit. Baywatch followed. We’ll get into that next week.

Guilty Pleasure No. 80: Point Break (dir by Kathryn Bigelow)

Posted on April 15, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Some films are so ludicrous and self-aware of their absurdity that you can’t help but love them and that’s certainly the case with 1991’s Point Break.

Consider what Point Break offers us:

First, you’ve got Keanu Reeves playing a former college football star who, after blowing out his knee, ended up joining the FBI. Keanu, who looks like he’s barely out of high school in this film, plays a character with the wonderful name of Johnny Utah. Keanu gives a relaxed performance. You can tell that he’s having fun in this movie and Johnny Utah’s enthusiasm is infectious. Personally, I prefer Johnny Utah to John Wick.

Secondly, you’ve got Patrick Swayze as Bodhi, the ruthless bank robber who is also a surfer. Much like Reeves, Swayze could occasionally be a stiff actor but in this film, you can tell he’s having fun and again, it’s hard not have fun watching him as he spouts his surfer philosophy, jumps out of planes, and dreams of dying while mastering a 50-foot wave. Swayze is so charismatic as Bodhi that you totally buy that Johnny Utah would like him despite all the times that Bodhi tries to kill him.

You’ve got Bodhi’s bank-robbing gang, who call themselves the Ex-Presidents. Bodhi wears a Ronald Reagan mask. Other members of the gang wear LBJ, Nixon, and Carter masks. “I am not a crook!” Nixon says. The wonderful thing about the Ex-Presidents is that they seem to truly enjoy robbing banks. Of course, they also enjoy surfing.

Gary Busey plays a character who is not Gary Busy. Instead, he’s Johnny’s partner. Everyone in the FBI laughs at him when he says the bank robbers are surfers but guess who knows what he’s talking about! Seriously, though, it’s always interesting to see Gary Busey in the years when he was still a somewhat serious actor.

John C. McGinley does the uptight boss thing. Lori Petty is the waitress who teaches Johnny Utah how to surf. The surf footage is beautifully shot. A soaked Johnny give the camera a thumbs-up. Director Kathryn Bigelow keeps the action moving quickly and, just as she did with Near Dark, uses the film’s genre trappings to explore the bond that holds together a group of outsiders.

It’s an over-the-top and cheerfully absurd film and it’s impossible not to love it. I haven’t felt the need to watch the remake. Why would I? The original has everything I need.

Previous Guilty Pleasures