Bruce Fairbairn | Through the Shattered Lens

The three Bantam Brothers (Walker Boone, Tony DeSantis, and Dave Mucci) have just gotten out of prison and they’ve all already stolen several pounds of explosives. Pretending to be international terrorists, they try to blackmail banker Adam Beardsley (John Vernon) into paying them off. Deputy Police Commissioner Ray Melton (Robert Vaughn) wants to go by the book but his superior, Thad Evans (Leslie Nielsen), realizes that this case is going to require a cop who is willing to break all the rules. It’s time to call in Jack Calhoun (Bruce Fairbairn).

When this movie started, I assumed that it was a comedy. The title sounded like a double entendre and Leslie Nielsen’s name was right there in the opening credits. The opening heist scene also felt like a comedy, up until the Bantam brothers started shooting people. That was when I realized that this movie was supposed to be a drama. Why would you cast a post-Airplane! Leslie Nielsen in a serious cop film? This film did come out before The Naked Gun but it was still after Nielsen sent up every cop show ever made with the original Police Squad television series. .And then, on top of Nielsen, the film gives us Robert Vaughn and a very grumpy John Vernon. All it needed was OJ Simpson as Calhoun’s partner.

Even though the movie was a drama, it still felt like a comedy. Bruce Fairbairn wasn’t much of a cop but luckily, the three Bantam brothers weren’t that much of a group of criminals. Jack Calhoun had a girlfriend (Kerrie Keane) who constantly reminded him that he could have been having sex with her if he wasn’t constantly searching for the Bantam brothers. “I can’t be in two places at once,” Calhoun said with a sigh. I’m still not convinced this wasn’t a comedy.

Nightstick was originally made for Canadian television. When it first aired, it was called Calhoun. The name was changed to Nightstick for the video release, even though no one in the movie uses a nightstick. Calhoun uses a gun and, at one point, a binder but he doesn’t carry a nightstick. Maybe his character should have been named Jack Nightstick to make the title work.

Did I hallucinate this movie? I’m pretty sure it was a comedy.

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, we meet John D. Cort.

Episode 1.13 “Home Cort”

(Dir by Paul Schneider, originally aired on January 12th, 1990)

There’s a new lifeguard on the beach!

His name is John D. Cort (John Allen Nelson) and he’s a former Navy SEAL with a dark and mysterious past. He drives a motorcycle. He wears a cowboy hat. He has a quick smile. He’s dangerous and he’s now a member of the cast. I’m going to guess that he was added to bring some mystery to the show. Originally, Eddie Kramer was supposed to be the dangerous lifeguard with the mysterious past but Billy Warlock was just too earnest and young to really pull that off. John D. Cort, on the other hand, is at least 40.

Now, I said that Cort was the “new lifeguard on the beach.” That’s not quite true. It turns out that he’s actually an old lifeguard who was a friend of Mitch’s and Craig’s. In fact, it’s insinuated that their friendship is legendary amongst the lifeguards. Of course, no one’s ever mentioned Cort before but whatever. Baywatch was never exactly known for its continuity.

Cort says that he’s returned to the beach so that he can work as a lifeguard for ten days and keep his eligibility. Actually, he’s been hired to retrieve a mysterious package that’s at the bottom of the ocean. He recruits his old friend, Sam (Bruce Fairbairn), to take him out into the ocean so that he can retrieve the package. However, an explosion costs Sam his life and forces Cort to deal with the fact that someone wants him dead. Who wants Cort dead? Some guy named Jack Burton (Drew Snyder). Why does he want Cort dead? Who cares? I got bored with the whole thing so I missed his motive. I could go back and find out but, as far as I’m concerned, if the answer was worth knowing, I wouldn’t have gotten bored the first time around. The story is really just an excuse to introduce Cort. At the end of the episode, he inherits Sam’s surf shop and makes peace with being a regular member of the cast for at least the rest of the season.

As for the B-plot, Shauni and and Jill go into business selling sandwiches on the beach! They take a lot of business away from crooked sandwich hustler Buddy Semple (played by George Clooney’s future production partner, Grant Heslov). Buddy reacts by hiring two women in bikinis to hand out his sandwiches. That’s the entire plot.

Oh, this episode. I’ll be so happy when the first season of Baywatch is over with and the show fully and cheerfully embraces the stupidity of its concept. Until then …. welcome to the beach, John Cort!