Guilty Pleasure No. 134: Teen Witch (dir by Dorian Walker)

Posted on October 13, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 1989’s Teen Witch, Robyn Lively plays Louise Miller, a 15-year-old who is not particularly popular in high school. While all of the popular girls sing a song called “I Like Boys” and perform an impromptu dance number in the locker room, Louise can only watch and wish she had the courage to ask her crush, Brad Powell (Dan Gauthier), to prom. Later, after Brad nearly runs over Louise in his car, Louise stumbles into the home of palm reader Madame Serena (Zelda Rubinstein). Serena reveals that Louise is a witch who will be gaining her powers as soon as she turns sixteen. Hey, Louise’s birthday is only a few days away!

Suddenly, Louise has the power to make her wishes come true! She turns her brother (Joshua Miller) into a dog! She gets Brad to break up with his girlfriend! She gets the locker room girls to argue! She helps her friend Polly (Mandy Ingber) win a rap battle against Rhet (Noah Blake). “Look how funky he is!” Polly says about Rhet. Well, Rhet may be funky, but soon Louise is the most popular girl at school. She’s so popular that Polly starts to feel left out. Why didn’t Louise wish for Polly to be popular? I mean, the solution was right there.

It’s difficult to put into words just how weird and tonally mixed-up Teen Witch is. There’s the “Top That” rap battle between Polly and Rhet. There’s the “I Like Boys” production number. There’s Zelda Rubinstein sitting on Robyn Lively’s lap and both of them laughing at how awkward it all is. There’s Joshua Miller, playing Louise’s younger brother in much the same way that he played the vampire kid in Near Dark. There’s Dick Sargent and Caren Kaye as Louise’s parents, Marcia Wallace as her teacher, and there’s also the fact that Brad turns out to be a nice guy even though he nearly ran over Louise. There’s the scene where Louise tells the star of the school play to “break a leg” and you can guess what happens. Louise spends the movie worrying about accidentally hurting someone with her powers and then uses a voodoo doll to torment a teacher. Reportedly, the film’s producer added some scenes after production initially wrapped. That explains why Louise abruptly goes from being innocent and naive to being a music video vixen and back again.

It’s a silly mix of tones and style that makes no sense and that’s why it’s the perfect film about being a teenager. There’s a sweetness in the center of Teen Witch’s chaos and it makes for an enjoyably weird film to which almost everyone can relate. Who hasn’t wanted to have magical powers? Who hasn’t looked at three guys dancing in the middle of the street and said, “I will never be hip.” And, in the end, what’s important is that Louise ultimately learns that she doesn’t need the magic to get the cute boy and to star in the school play. She just has to be herself.

Seriously, I’ll take Teen Witch over this new version of Carrie any day.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.15 “Stargazer”

Posted on August 18, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Pacific Blue is all about the guest stars,

Episode 4.15 “Stargazer”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on January 24th, 1999)

When he was younger, Johnny Osiris (Danny Bonaduce) was a teen idol and the star of Stargazer, a show about a singing family that lived in outer space. As an adult, Johnny is a drug addict and an alcoholic who can’t pay his rent and who eventually turns to robbing stores and pharmacies. It’s difficult to be a criminal when everyone immediately recognizes you. However, when both he and Steve Gugliermo (Noah Blake) try to rob the same pharmacy at the same time, they decide to team up. Of course, Steve is hardened master criminal while Johnny is still an amateur.

This was a bit of a melancholy episode. Chris and Cory can’t say Johnny’s name without screaming but they’re still trying to put him in jail. The younger cops don’t have the slightest idea who Johnny was. As for Johnny, his criminal career makes him a celebrity again but the episode still ends with him heading off for prison. Along with Bonaduce, the episode features Susan Olsen as Johnny’s sister, Erik Estrada as Johnny’s lawyer, and Adam West as Johnny’s father. The entire thing is full of actors who probably never thought they would someday be appearing on a show about cops who rode bikes. The whole thing feels sad.

This episode also firmly establishes that Cory and Bobby are now a couple and that everyone pretty much knows about it. Hey, Victor’s dead so I guess Cory might as well move on. Still, some of the scenes of Bobby and Cory making out generated some heat. They’re a good couple so hopefully, the show won’t screw things up.

This episode also featured a discussion of sex-ceptions, i.e. celebrities that you’re allowed to fool around with even if you’re already in a relationship. For Chris, her sex-ception was Johnny Osiris, though it never actually came down to that. For Cory, it was Mel Gibson. Granger selected Winona Ryder, Bobby went with Salma Hayek, and Jamie said Denzel Washington. Myself, I have to wonder why they assumed Salma Hayek or Denzel Washington would have anything to do with a Santa Monica bicycle cop.

Anyway, this is kind of a depressing episode. Johnny was a star but then his entire life fell apart when he wasn’t. He made a few bad decisions and he never recovered. He should have auditioned for Baywatch. Live and learn.

The Eric Roberts Collection: The Rebels of PT-218 (dir by Nick Lyon)

Posted on May 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2021 film, The Rebels of PT-218, takes place in 1943.

At the height of World War II, the Allies are on the verge of invading Italy and moving into Europe. General Omar Bradley (played by William Baldwin, who looks like Alec but sounds like Stephen) orders the SS Lawton, a small torpedo boat to help secure the port of Solano. It won’t be easy. The Atlantic Ocean is full of German U-boats and the Lawton is built to move cargo, not fight battles. But the Lawton is still the most powerful boat in the area and General Bradley believes in the abilities of the Lawton’s commander, Lt. William Snow (Eric Roberts).

However, Snow is eager to get into combat and defeat the Germans. In fact, he’s so gung ho to fight that some of Bradley’s assistants feel that Lt. Snow’s judgment can’t be trusted. Commander Barnes (Noah Blake) tells Ensign Kenneth Ford (Geoff Meed) to keep an eye on Snow and do everything he can to keep Lt. Snow on track.

The men of the SS Lawton, meanwhile, just want to man the guns, launch the torpedoes, and stop the Germans. They’re from all over the United States but they’ll be familiar to anyone who has ever seen a war film. Some of them are naive. Some of them are cocky and streetwise. One of them is played by Danny Trejo! Trejo plays Cookie, a former gunner turned cook. He delights in serving chorizos for dinner. Cookie has a mustache and a pony tail, which definitely do not feel like they would be within Navy regulations. After Cookie is wounded in action, a crewman tosses Cookie a machete and Trejo smiles like a man who has waited his entire life for that exact moment.

Historical accuracy? Who needs historical accuracy when you’ve got Danny Trejo and Eric Roberts in the same movie? Obviously, both Roberts and Trejo are a bit too old for their roles. Cookie would have probably retired from the Navy long before the bombing of Pearl Harbor. As for Roberts, one has to worry about any officer who is clearly in his 70s and still hasn’t achieved a rank higher than lieutenant. When Snow expresses his ambition to be promoted, you have to wonder if he’s hoping to be the world’s oldest admiral.

This film is an attempt to do an epic war story on a budget and it doesn’t quite work. One never feels that any of the characters are waking up everyday with the knowledge that this could be the day that they die. The ship and all of the characters are remarkably clean and fresh-faced throughout the film, with none of the grime nor grit that would have given the story a realistic edge. That said, Danny Trejo gets a few good lines and it’s always fun to watch Eric Roberts play an authority figure. In the end, the important thing is that America won.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

Radical Jack (1999, directed by James Allen Bradley)

Posted on May 8, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

Billy Ray Cyrus is Jack, a tough-as-nails former CIA agent who is still traumatized by his actions during Desert Storm and the murder of his wife by the international terrorist, Riotti (Benny Nieves).

Stop laughing.

I’ll admit that the idea of Billy Ray Cyrus, the most mild and unthreatening of mullet-headed country music stars, playing a CIA burnout who has killed countless men may sound like something to laugh about but … forget it, I’ve got nothing. Laugh all you want because it is ridiculous casting and, throughout the film, Billy Ray looks increasingly uncomfortable with the character’s R-rated antics. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, though. When this movie was made, it’d been seven years since Achy Breaky Heart and even one-hit wonders need to pay the bills. In 1999, reinventing Billy Ray Cyrus as a second-tier action star probably seemed like a good idea. Billy Ray may not be the most convincing CIA agent but he’s still more likable than Steven Seagal.

Billy Ray is sent undercover to a small town in Vermont. Somehow, by working as a bouncer at the local roadhouse, Billy Ray Cyrus is supposed to find a way to expose two local arms dealers, Lloyd (George “Buck” Flower) and Lloyd’s good for nothing son, Rolland (Noah Blake). Lloyd and Rolland are selling weapons to Riotti so this is personal for Billy Ray. But Billy Ray is also romancing Rolland’s ex-girlfriend, Kate (Deedee Pfeiffer) so it is personal for Rolland too.

As both an action hero and a film, Radical Jack isn’t all that radical and Billy Ray Cyrus never looks comfortable in any of the action scenes or the scenes where he makes out with Deedee Pfieffer but there are still plenty of explosions, fights, and chase scenes. Though she doesn’t have much romantic chemistry with Billy Ray, Deedee Pfieffer gives the best performance in the film, playing Kate as someone who knows that she deserves better than what life has given her. Radical Jack was produced by the same people who did Time Chasers and fans of that film will be happy to visit the exact same landing strip and hangar that was featured so heavily in that sci-fi epic. There’s also a twist at the end, which you’ll see coming from miles away and Billy Ray does something unexpectedly cruel with a hand grenade. Radical Jack did not make an action star out of Billy Ray Cyrus but, two years later, he showed an unexpected talent for comedy with his small role in Mulholland Drive. Seven years after playing a burned-out CIA assassin, Bill Ray Cyrus found new fame as Miley Cyrus’s father and Radical Jack would never ride again.