Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.15 “Stargazer”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Pacific Blue is all about the guest stars,

Episode 4.15 “Stargazer”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on January 24th, 1999)

When he was younger, Johnny Osiris (Danny Bonaduce) was a teen idol and the star of Stargazer,  a show about a singing family that lived in outer space.  As an adult, Johnny is a drug addict and an alcoholic who can’t pay his rent and who eventually turns to robbing stores and pharmacies.  It’s difficult to be a criminal when everyone immediately recognizes you.  However, when both he and Steve Gugliermo (Noah Blake) try to rob the same pharmacy at the same time, they decide to team up.  Of course, Steve is hardened master criminal while Johnny is still an amateur.

This was a bit of a melancholy episode.  Chris and Cory can’t say Johnny’s name without screaming but they’re still trying to put him in jail.  The younger cops don’t have the slightest idea who Johnny was.  As for Johnny, his criminal career makes him a celebrity again but the episode still ends with him heading off for prison.  Along with Bonaduce, the episode features Susan Olsen as Johnny’s sister, Erik Estrada as Johnny’s lawyer, and Adam West as Johnny’s father.  The entire thing is full of actors who probably never thought they would someday be appearing on a show about cops who rode bikes.  The whole thing feels sad.

This episode also firmly establishes that Cory and Bobby are now a couple and that everyone pretty much knows about it.  Hey, Victor’s dead so I guess Cory might as well move on.  Still, some of the scenes of Bobby and Cory making out generated some heat.  They’re a good couple so hopefully, the show won’t screw things up.

This episode also featured a discussion of sex-ceptions, i.e. celebrities that you’re allowed to fool around with even if you’re already in a relationship.  For Chris, her sex-ception was Johnny Osiris, though it never actually came down to that.  For Cory, it was Mel Gibson.  Granger selected Winona Ryder, Bobby went with Salma Hayek, and Jamie said Denzel Washington.  Myself, I have to wonder why they assumed Salma Hayek or Denzel Washington would have anything to do with a Santa Monica bicycle cop.

Anyway, this is kind of a depressing episode.  Johnny was a star but then his entire life fell apart when he wasn’t.  He made a few bad decisions and he never recovered.  He should have auditioned for Baywatch.  Live and learn.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.14 “Inferno”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Bobby goes undercover!

Episode 4.14 “Inferno”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on January 17th, 1999)

TC is on vacation but, before he leaves, he tasks Cory with discovering who is selling heroin at a trendy nightclub.  To be honest, that sounds like a job for the Narcotics Squad but whatever.  Cory tasks Bobby and Monica with going undercover.  Monica starts to hang out at the club.  Bobby gets a job as a bouncer.  It’s amazing how the same two cops can somehow both patrol the same small stretch of land and also continually work undercover without anyone ever recognizing them.  Their presence at the club still doesn’t prevent a rock star from overdosing or an actor from later shooting himself in front of Monica.

Meanwhile, Cory and Amy ride their stupid bikes around Santa Monica and harass drug addicts.   Amy catches one addict and says that he hasn’t been looking too good lately.  Amy has only been a member of the bike patrol for a few months so why is she acting like she’s been on this show for years?  As silly as the undercover work is, Pacific Blue is still at its most ludicrous when it tries to make the bike cops look like a bunch of badasses,

Bobby’s ex-girlfriend, Rita (Heather Marie Marsden), turns up singing at the club.  Despite Monica warning that Bobby is making a mistake, he allows himself to fall for Rita again despite the fact that Rita is now dating club owner Gary Fein (Scott Paetty), the man who is suspected of being Santa Monica’s biggest heroin dealer.  Of course, it turns out that Rita is the drug dealer.  Eventually, Bobby has to kill his ex-girlfriend to keep her from shooting his fellow bike cops.  Bobby is almost as upset about that as Slater was over losing his salamander.

The episode ends with a Cory/Bobby conversation.  Cory asks if Bobby was in love with Rita and Bobby admits that he had feelings for her.  The scene suggests that Cory and Bobby are secretly a couple.  If I was Cory, I would be hesitant about dating someone who killed his last girlfriend.

TC returns and tells Cory that she did a good job running the department.  Cory thanks him and then looks sad as the episode ends.  If she really felt that way about Bobby, why did she send him undercover in the first place?  Why not send in Granger?  Actually, is Granger still a character on this show?  I haven’t seen him in a while.

This is a dumb show.  You already knew that.  This episode served as a reminder that, along with being dumb, no one on this show is particularly good at their job.  Bobby goes undercover and allows his emotions to get the better of him …. again!  Monica goes undercover and actually does a good job but Cory won’t acknowledge it because she hates Monica …. still!  Amy rides around on her bicycle and harasses people like a corrupt deputy in a drive-in movie.  The fact that everyone is on bicycles just makes everything all the more ridiculous.

Santa Monica, you deserve better!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.10 “Thrill Week”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the local college fraternity is out of control and somehow, it’s up to the bicycle patrol to restore order to the campus.

Episode 4.10 “Thrill Week”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on November 29th, 1998)

It’s rush week, which means that the beach is full of drunk college students.  Fortunately, the bike patrol is there to keep the peace.  Bobby Cruz is upset when he discovers that his teenager sister, Teresa (Susan Enriquez), is hanging out at the rush events, drinking beer, smoking, and hooking up with frat boys.

So, let’s see.  Bobby is a Latino bicycle cop who grew up in a poor neighborhood.  He flirts with Cory.  He’s fiercely overprotective of his teenage sister.  So, basically, he’s exactly like Victor del Toro, except for the fact that he’s played by Mario Lopez.  It wouldn’t surprise me if, when Lopez was handed this script, someone had just gone through and crossed-out Victor’s name and written in Bobby’s name instead.

Anyway, the frat hazing is getting out-of-hand so TC decides to send Granger in undercover.  (I  know I ask this every week but, seriously, why are bicycle cops doing undercover work?)  TC is a former member of the fraternity so he introduces Granger as being his nephew and arranges for Granger to be accepted into the frat as a legacy.  At first, Granger has no interest in being  a member of a frat but then he sees all the beer and changes his mind.

What’s the plot here?  Good question.  Tanner Sexton (Thomas Caron) attempts to drug and rape his ex-girlfriend at a fraternity party but, fortunately, Bobby and Cory show up in time to stop him.  (Granger helps Teressa escape being caught at the party by punching Bobby.)  Despite the fact that he’s dating his son’s ex, Tanner’s father (Clint Carmichael) pulls some strings and gets Tanner released from jail.

Later, Bobby, Cory, and TC confront Tanner at the frat house and Tanner pulls a gun.  Bobby shoots Tanner in the shoulder.  “You’ll be okay,” TC tells Tanner.  Uhmm, the dude just get shot in the shoulder.  That’s not a minor wound!

Eh.  Who cares?  This episode was dumber than usual.  I’m less concerned about the frat and more curious as to why new cast members Shanna Moakler and Amy Hunter always seem to be absent (or, in Hunter’s case, mostly absent) from any episode involving Granger.  For that matter, Darlene Vogel was missing from this episode as well.  One gets the feeling that show couldn’t afford to ever have the entire cast in the same episode at the same time.

Four seasons in and this show has yet to convince that a bike patrol is even necessary.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.5 “Overkill”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s time for another stupid trip to L.A.

Episode 4.5 “Overkill”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on August 23rd, 1998)

Jamie is learning martial arts from Master Soo Han (Yoshi Jenkins).  When she is saved from a group of muggers by a fellow classmate named Kyle (Matty Liu), she starts to fall in love with him.  Soon, he is teaching her how to be a better fighter.  For some reason, Jamie doesn’t tell Kyle that she’s a cop.  That makes things awkward when Kyle realizes that 1) the man who killed his mother is a student in the class and 2) Kyle is being groomed to be a government assassin.

I’ve always said that you can tell when a show has cast a professional athlete in a guest role because the athlete is always the worst actor in the episode.  That was certainly the case here.  At first, I was sure that Matty Liu was a professional martial artist.  It turns out that he’s actually a pro surfer but still, my point stands.  It doesn’t matter how many camera tricks or jump cuts the show uses to make Liu look like a badass, he’s still an amazingly stiff actor.  The scenes of him and Jamie falling in love don’t work because he’s not capable of showing any emotion, let alone love.

Speaking of love, Chris is still mad that her husband didn’t select her to be promoted to sergeant.  When she discovers a murder victim, she impresses Homicide Detective Thomas (Carl T. Evans) by figuring out that the victim died from a — wait for it — broken neck.  WOW!  Amazing deduction, Chris!  I mean, how difficult is it to spot a broken neck?  Even though Chris is neither a medical examiner nor a detective, Thomas invites her to fill in for a sick Homicide detective.  Chris accepts.

TC’s not happy about that!  Actually, TC’s never happy.  He’s been in charge of Pacific Blue for five episodes now and he hasn’t smiled once.  He has spent a lot of time glaring.  In fact, both he and Cory spend most of their time glaring at other people now.  I guess that’s what you do when you’re in charge,  management by glaring.

Finally, Bobby and Spazz compete over — wait a minute, I got a name wrong there.  What is Spazz’s real name?  Is it Granger?  Yeah, okay, sorry about that.  Bobby and Granger serve as body guards for a French actress (Lydie Denier), who claims that she’s being stalked.  Bobby has seen all of her films but she’s more attracted to Spazz, for some reason.  Sorry, Bobby!  I would have picked you.

Anyway, this was one of Pacific Blue’s dumbest episodes yet.  Chris is even more whiny than usual.  TC and Cory are useless.  Jamie and Kyle’s fight scenes are edited in such a way that one gets dizzy trying to follow them.  This episode featured bad acting and worst direction,  No wonder Chris wants to transfer to Homicide.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.18 “Caretakers”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bicycle cops go after pharmaceutical smugglers.

Episode 3.18 “Caretakers”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on March 8th, 1998)

This week, a drug company is smuggling and distributing black market pharmaceuticals.  Leslie Jordan plays Bo, the crazy man who lives in a storage unit and who has figured out what the company is doing.  When he gets shot in the back, Chris feels guilty because she refused to listen to his ramblings earlier.  After undergoing hypnosis to search for clues as to who shot Bo, Chris goes undercover as a potential drug buyer.  It always amuses me whenever any member of the bike patrol goes undercover.  None of them are capable of not coming across as being a cop and that’s especially true in Chris’s case.  Everything from the way they talk to the way they glare at everyone to the way they stand just a little bit too rigidly screams, “Cop!”  And yet the criminals never seem to catch on.

Meanwhile, Victor’s mother is deathly ill and needs some drugs to save her life.  Luckily, the local priest has connections.  But can Victor set aside whatever his issue is with the church?  Does anyone care?  I mean, I’m glad that Victor’s mom is alive at the end of the episode but Victor isn’t that interesting of a character.

We are three season into Pacific Blue and none of the characters are really interesting enough to carry the show.  Even the lifeguards on Baywatch had more personality than the members of the bike patrol.  The main thing that I’ll remember about this episode is that, even when they were keeping an eye on Chris working undercover, the cops all brought their bicycles.

The important thing is that Leslie Jordan survives his injuries.  At the end of the episode, TC locks Chris in the Bo’s storage unit so that she’ll be forced to listen to his conspiracy theories.  I guess TC’s okay with not getting any for a month.

I’d like this show better if the rode motorcycles.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.2 “Ties That Bind”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol continues to be largely ineffective.

Episode 3.2 “Ties That Bind”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on August 10th, 1997)

TC is excited because Jeff Pierce has moved to Santa Monica.  I had no idea who Jeff Pierce was but the show explained that he was some sort of professional bike rider.  Even if Jeff Pierce hadn’t been credited as “himself,” I would have guessed that he was a professional athlete just by how bad of an actor he was.

Pierce needs help retrieving his pink competition shirt.  TC and Victor help him out.  That was nice of them.  Pierce challenges the thief to a race and the thief is so excited about getting to race Jeff Pierce that he doesn’t even mind when he gets arrested at the finish line.  He even gets an autographed picture of Jeff Pierece!

Meanwhile, Gloria Allred also appears as herself.  She appears as an advocate for a group of women who are protesting the release and the return of former serial killer Conway Henriksen (Marc Riffon).  Conway has spent ten years in a mental hospital and he says that he’s now reformed.  However, after he gets harassed by some of his former victims (apparently, he didn’t kill everyone) and his house house is set on fire, Conway snaps and kidnaps Cory’s best friend, Billie (Rainer Grant).  Conway thinks that Billie is his abusive mother and he starts quoting from the Bible and the overacting gets a bit embarrassing.  Finally, Conway shoots himself.

Now, this storyline had potential.  Conway was sincere in his desire to start his life over again but the harassment campaign pushed him over the edge.  Unfortunately, because this is Pacific Blue, the idea of the people trying to protect their neighborhood from a serial killer pushing the guy into becoming just that was left largely unexplored.  Instead, everyone just breathes a sigh of relief after Conway shoots himself.

Finally, Chris’s real father (Kent McCord), shows up at headquarters and explains to Chris that, despite what her mother told her, he didn’t actually die in Vietnam.  Instead, he’s been working as a commercial pilot and now he wants to get to know Chris.  Chris, of course, acts like a total bitch about it, especially after she discovers that he’s married and that Chris has a teenage half-sister who is as much of a sullen brat as she is.  Still, Chris eventually forgives her father for having a life and the episode ends with Chris and her real father going sky-diving.  This episode missed an opportunity to have Gloria Allred and Jeff Pierce join them in jumping out of the plane.  That would have been classic Blue.

It’s just another day in L.A.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.14 “One Kiss Goodnight”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Cory helps a man who can’t remember how lame this show is.

Episode 2.14 “One Kiss Goodnight”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on December 15th, 1996)

Alec Cooper (Markus Flanagan) gets amnesia after he falls off the balcony of his hotel room while trying to escape some mysterious men with guns.  Cory tries to help Alec figure out who he actually is and she starts to fall in love with him in the process.  Alec admits that there seems to be something familiar about Cory.

Well, that means there are only two possibilities.

Cory and Alec are either meant to be together

or

Alec is married to someone who looks just like Cory!

It turns out the latter is true.  Alec eventually get his memory back and Cory meets his wife, who indeed looks a lot like her.  Cory goes back to being single.  Interestingly, Chris spends this entire episode telling Cory that she needs to date more but she doesn’t approve of Cory dating someone who has amnesia.  Then again, Chris doesn’t really approve of anyone doing anything.

Meanwhile, TC’s girlfriend makes the decision to leave Santa Monica so that she can attend a graduate program and become a counselor for rape victims.  This is the sort of storyline that would have been touching if TC has any personality or if he and his girlfriend had any sort of chemistry.  But they don’t.

It probably sound like I hated this episode.  Actually, I think it’s one of the better episodes of season 2, if just because the bike riding was kept to a minimum.  The bikes would have made this awful.  Without all of the bike nonsense, it was merely forgettable.  That’s progress!