Are there mole people living in the New York subway system?
Of course there are. Everyone knows that. Still, watch tonight’s episode of Freakylinks and find out for sure!
This episode originally aired on October 20th, 2000.
Tag Archives: Horrorthon
SOV Horror Review: The Hackers (dir by John Duncan)
Shot in Michigan, 1988’s The Hackers lives up to its name in two ways.
First off, it’s about a family that actually does have the surname of Hacker. Pa Hacker (Howard Coburn) drives around Michigan with his two sons, Arnie Hacker (Dale Caughel) and Eldon Hacker (Steven Picharo). They drive around Michigan and make a living by doing odd jobs. They claim that they can build and fix just about anything, even though they don’t seem to be particularly effective once they show up at their work site. Pa is gruff and kind of ornery. You can tell that he’s old school and he expects everyone to carry their weight. Arnie and Eldon are a little bit more goofy. They like to wear masks and they like to go fishing. They’re the type who will invade your personal space without even realizing why that would upset anyone. They are hicks and they’re proud of it.
Pa, Arnie, and Eldon also live up to their name in that they enjoy hacking people up. They’re the Hackers and they are really into hacking. When they see a man hitchhiking, they chop off his thumb as they drive by. When they pick up another hitchhiker, they end up strangling her. When a fisherman tells them to find another place to fish, Arnie and Eldon put an abrupt end to his fishing days.
Pa, Arnie, and Eldon have been hired to fix up the barn on a nearly deserted property. Marcie (Michelle Rank) is house-sitting and she soon finds herself being menaced by the Hackers. And while that’s definitely a scary situation, Marcie does have one big fact on her side: Arnie and Eldon are idiots. They’re the type who accidentally lose a finger while using a radial saw. Really, I’m surprised that Pa keeps them employed. If Pa simply did the job by himself, he’d probably get finished and get paid a lot quicker. Instead, he spends a lot of time dealing with Arnie and Eldon’s messes.
This is pretty much the epitome of a late 80s SOV slasher film. This was pretty much the only film that the majority of the cast appeared in, and it only has a 70-minute runtime. It’s hard to believe that a 70-minute movie could have any wasted moments, but this one does. There are scenes in which Arnie and Eldon seem to literally spend hours arguing about nothing. There’s no real suspense. The special effects are definitely on the cheap side. It’s a regional film, through and through.
And yet, there’s something oddly likable about a film like The Hackers. It’s an amateur film that was made by some guy in Michigan in 1988, and yet, I’m sitting here in Texas and I’m reviewing it in 2026. Because the film was shot on location and it was made by a bunch of amateurs, there’s an authenticity to the film that you wouldn’t necessarily get from a more professionally shot film. When it was made, it may have just been another regional horror flick. Today, though, it’s a time capsule. Watching a film like The Hackers is about as close as any of us are going to get to using a time machine.
The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Demonwarp (dir by Emmett Alston)
George Kennedy vs. Bigfoot!
I think for most people, that will be the main appeal of 1988’s Demonwarp. Bill (George Kennedy) lives in a cabin in the woods with his daughter. After a Bigfoot-like creature kills his daughter, Bill grabs a shotgun and starts wandering around the woods, looking for revenge. And while I’m calling the character Bill, I should make clear that George Kennedy comes across as if he’s playing George Kennedy. If you’ve watched enough TCM, you know George Kennedy as the big, burly guy who might be in his 50s but still looks like he could beat up an army of young punks if he had to. He’s gruff and plainspoken and he doesn’t have much patience for people who aren’t willing to man up and work hard. And so, when Bill declares that he’s going to kill Bigfoot, it’s the equivalent of George Kennedy declaring it. It’s nice to see that, even after winning an Oscar for Cool Hand Luke, George Kennedy still had what it took to keep the woods safe.
Unfortunately, George Kennedy is only a supporting player here. The main characters are a group of teenagers who end up hanging out at a cabin of their own and who soon fall victim to Bigfoot themselves. It takes them a while to accept the help of George Kennedy and, for that, they have only themselves to blame. Obviously, they hadn’t watched Cool Hand Luke or they would have known that George Kennedy is exactly the guy you want to listen to in an extreme situation. If only they had binged the Airport films, as I do every time before I go on any type of vacation, things would have worked out much better for them. Let Joe Patroni in the cockpit and he’ll land that plane right on top of that monster. Problem solved.
Demonwarp is an extremely silly film that I happen to like. Some of that is because I don’t really like camping but I do enjoy going to my family’s lakehouse and every stupid mistake that the teenagers make in Demonwarp is one that I’ve made in real life. Reacting to a scary sound by running outside half-naked or just in a towel? I have lost track of the number of times I’ve done that. Usually, it was because I thought I heard a catfight going on outside. When you hear two cats yelling at each other, you don’t have time to worry about getting fully dressed. Modesty can be the difference between scaring off the other cat or having to take your cat to the vet. I imagine the same is true when it comes to Bigfoot intrusions. Yes, the characters in Demonwarp did some foolish things but they’re all pretty much the same things that I would do.
The other good thing about Demonwarp is that the final 20 minutes features a twist that is so out there and downright weird that it simply has to be seen to be believed. Demonwarp is a thoroughly ludicrous horror film and that’s the main reason to watch it.
Graphic Novel Review: Dazzler The Movie (1984, by Jim Shooter, Frank Springer, and Vince Colletta)
During the day, Alison Blair is just your everyday aerobics instructor, leading exercise classes and getting hit on by sleazy Hollywood producers like Eric Beale. At night, she’s the Dazzler, an up-and-coming rock star who amazes her fans with the elaborate light shows at her concerts. What they don’t know is that Alison is a mutant and is creating the lights herself. Or, at least, they don’t know that until Alison’s boyfriend, over-the-hill singer Roman Nekobah, reveals the truth to the press. Roman thinks that it will make Alison a star. Instead, Alison finds herself hounded by the press, anti-mutant bigots, and the producers of a movie.
It really doesn’t get more 80s than this graphic novel about Dazzler. Unfortunately, this graphic novel was not a great moment in comic book history. Instead, it was just Alison in leotards and doing things with Roman that Jim Shooter and Marvel couldn’t get away with acknowledging in the monthly Dazzler comic book. A full page of art is devoted to just Alison undressing and looking at herself in the mirror. That was probably popular with readers of a certain age in 1984, but today, it’s just a reflection that there wasn’t much to Dazzler beyond how she looked. Not much happens plotwise. Eric Beale is a sleazy producer but he’s hardly a villain on the scale of Dr. Doom or even Sebastian Shaw. When writers and artists of the era complain about Jim Shooter’s commercialized vision for the company, Dazzler The Movie is a good example of what they were talking about.
Dazzler The Movie is mostly interesting as a roman à clef about how the character was created in the first place. Dazzler was developed by Marvel and Neil Bogart, the legendary (and legendarily erratic) manager of Casablanca Records. At first, Dazzler was going to be a multimedia project. Not only would there be the Dazzler comic book but there were plans to release Dazzler records and to have actual Dazzler concerts. A movie about Dazzler was a part of the plan but things fell through when Casablanca went bankrupt. Shooter continued to try to develop a Dazzler movie. When Bo Derek showed some interest, Dazzler was redesigned to resemble her. However, Bo insisted that the movie could only be directed by her husband, John Derek. After the box office failure of John and Bo’s version of Tarzan, the Ape Man, Marvel lost interest in the Dereks and the Dereks lost interest in Dazzler. It’s easy to see John Derek in the character of Eric Beale. Dazzler has a choice between selling out or continuing to do things her way and she decides that she doesn’t need an Eric Beale in her life.
The comic book lived on, though. Dazzler The Movie was Shooter’s attempt to draw more readers to the comic and to also express his hatred of Hollywood. It wasn’t much of a graphic novel. It was no God Loves, Man Kills. It didn’t get the acclaim of The Death of Captain Marvel. But it did keep Dazzler going. And she’s still going to this day.
Great Moments In Television History #45: A Game of Pool
65 years ago, on October 13, 1961, Jesse Cardiff (played by Jack Klugman) faced off against the world’s greatest pool player, “Fats” Brown (Jonathan Winters). Jesse was eager to prove that he was even better than the legendary Fats. The only catch was that Fats was long dead and only visited from the afterlife so he could play Jesse. If Jesse won, he would be known as the greatest pool player who ever lived. If Fats won, Jesse would die. Jesse did win, but he found himself now fated to always have to play anyone who challenged him, even after he died. Fats Brown, meanwhile, went fishing.
It all happened on the 70th episode of The Twilight Zone. Written by George Clayton Johnson and directed by Buzz Kulik, “A Game of Pool” has never gotten as much attention as some other episodes, but it really is the epitome of a Twilight Zone episode. Jesse gets what he’s always wanted and discovers that everything comes with a price. Originally, this episode was meant to end with Jesse losing and Fats telling him that he would indeed die, but it would be far in the future with no one remembering or caring who he was. The version that aired had a more direct and less harsh ending.
“A Game of Pool” aired 65 years ago this week.
Previous Moments In Television History:
- Planet of the Apes The TV Series
- Lonely Water
- Ghostwatch Traumatizes The UK
- Frasier Meets The Candidate
- The Autons Terrify The UK
- Freedom’s Last Stand
- Bing Crosby and David Bowie Share A Duet
- Apaches Traumatizes the UK
- Doctor Who Begins Its 100th Serial
- First Night 2013 With Jamie Kennedy
- Elvis Sings With Sinatra
- NBC Airs Their First Football Game
- The A-Team Premieres
- The Birth of Dr. Johnny Fever
- The Second NFL Pro Bowl Is Broadcast
- Maude Flanders Gets Hit By A T-Shirt Cannon
- Charles Rocket Nearly Ends SNL
- Frank Sinatra Wins An Oscar
- CHiPs Skates With The Stars
- Eisenhower In Color
- The Origin of Spider-Man
- Steve Martin’s Saturday Night Live Holiday Wish List
- Barnabas Collins Is Freed From His Coffin
- Siskel and Ebert Recommend Horror Films
- Vincent Price Meets The Muppets
- Siskel and Ebert Discuss Horror
- The Final Scene of Dark Shadows
- The WKRP Turkey Drop
- Barney Pops On National TV
- The Greatest American Hero Premieres
- Rodney Dangerfield On The Tonight Show
- The Doors Are Open
- The Thighmaster Commercial Premieres
- The Hosts of Real People Say “Get High On Yourself”
- The 33rd NFL Championship Game Is Broadcast In Color
- The Sopranos Premieres on HBO
- Eisenhower Hosts The First Televised Press Conference
- The Twilight Zone Premieres On CBS
- The Wolverines
- Johnny Carson Talks To Vincent Price
- Christopher Lee Introduced Meat Loaf
- The 1983 Macy’s Fireworks Show
- The Premiere of Alfred Hitchcock Presents
- Nightmare at 20,ooo Feet
X-Men (2000, directed by Bryan Singer)
I saw X-Men on the first day that it opened in theaters. Actually, I saw it twice.
The first time I saw it was by myself. I had been planning on waiting to see it in the evening with my friends Johnny and Kyleigh, but I actually found myself with a few hours to spare, so I decided to go ahead and see it. I watched it in the later afternoon and, after that showing got out, I met up with Johnny and Kyleigh outside the theater and went straight back in.
It’s hard to describe what a big deal the X-Men movie was in 2000. This was before there was a new Marvel movie or show every three months. It was also at a time when comic book movies, following the failure of Batman and Robin, were no longer considered to be a sure thing. Johnny and I were lifelong Marvel fans and, having survived the trauma of The Phantom Menace, were very much looking forward to the X-Men movie. We knew that both Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen were the perfect choices for Professor X and Magneto. Anna Paquin seemed like a good choice for Rogue. But would Hugh Jackman, an actor neither of us had heard of before, be able to bring Wolverine to life?
Even though we both rolled our eyes when we heard that Rogue’s name was apparently Marie, Johnny and I were shocked at how good X-Men was. Today, we take it for granted that comic books can be turned into movies, but in 2000, X-Men took us by surprise by being well-acted, well-directed, and surprisingly entertaining. Kyleigh was not a fan of comic books in general and she liked the movie considerably less than we did. (“Dr. Wheelchair” was her name for Charles Xavier.) But for Marvel fans, X-Men was the anti-Phantom Menace.
Looking back, the plot felt like it could have been lifted from the pages of the comic book. Sen. Robert Kelly (Bruce Davison) is leading a national political movement against the mutants. Magneto has created a machine that will induce mutations in human beings. (The movie opens with a flashback that establishes Magneto as a survivor of the Holocaust. Today, everyone knows his backstory, but in 2000, people were stunned that a comic book movie could also deal with reality.) Magneto and Professor X both try to recruit Rogue to their side, and Wolverine, as Rogue’s protector, reveals his claws and reluctantly becomes a member of the X-Men.
When X-Men was first released, Hugh Jackman was the big question mark, but he turned out to be the perfect choice for Wolverine, even if he did seem to be too tall for the role. Jackman was tough and surly and somehow, he looked credible with claws. He was everything that fans like me wanted out of Wolverine and, once he showed up, I knew it was going to be a good movie. Not surprisingly, Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen were perfect for Xavier and Magneto, as was Anna Paquin as Rogue. Though they’re overshadowed by Stewart, McKellen, Jackman, and Paquin, the other members of the X-Men are played by James Marsden (Scott), Famke Janssen (Jean Grey), and Halle Berry (Storm). Ray Park plays Toad, Tyler Mane plays Sabretooth, and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos excited male viewers everywhere by playing the naked and blue Mystique.
A lot of time has passed since 2000. An entire Marvel Cinematic Universe was created that did not initially include the X-Men, though that has since changed. Bryan Singer is no longer on the A-list. But I still always look fondly on the day that I watched X-Men twice.
Leprechaun: Origins (2014, directed by Zach Lipovsky)
Two young American couples are hiking through Ireland when they come across a small town that is under the control of the Leprechaun (now played by wrestler Dylan “Hornswoggle” Postl). Long ago, the villagers stole all of the Leprechaun’s gold. In order to make it up to the Leprechaun, they have to sacrifice at least two humans a year. Usually, they sacrifice travelers that no one will miss, but at least one villager has become disillusioned with the practice. As for the Leprechaun, he’s finally escaped from where he was being held prisoner.
Nope.
After Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, it took eleven years to make another Leprechaun movie, and this is what they came up with. There’s no Warwick Davis, even though he was (and is) still alive and working. There’s none of the humor that, in the previous films, provided a distraction from how stupid the plot usually was. There’s really not even a Leprechaun, or at least not the type of leprechaun who was in the previous movies. This one is just a generic monster. None of the past Leprechaun movies were that good, but most of them were watchable because of Warwick Davis and his scary but campy leprechaun makeup. Even setting the film in Ireland doesn’t help things. As dumb as it was to have the Leprechaun showing up in places like North Dakota and outer space, at least it was enjoyably weird.
Jennifer Aniston did not risk her life fighting Warwick Davis just for a movie like this to be made 21 years later.
Retro Television Review: The Ghost Writer (dir by Adam Rafkin)
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! This Thursday, I will be reviewing Ghost Writer, which was produced for Fox in 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!
Episode 1.1 “Pilot”
(Dir by Adam Rafkin, originally aired on August 15th, 1990)
Elizabeth (Leigh Taylor-Young) is the new wife of famous horror writer Anthony Strack (Anthony Perkins). Elizabeth and her daughter, Cindy (Juliet Sorci), have just moved into Anthony’s mansion, and it’s taking both of them some time to adjust. Anthony is a workaholic but, as he informs his new family, he’s not a psycho. Elizabeth is disturbed by the strange housekeeper (Pam Matteson) and the picture of Anthony’s late first wife that hangs over the fireplace. Cindy is creeped out by her stepbrother, Edgar (Joshua John Miller, who also played a teen vampire in Near Dark and the obnoxious brother in Teen Witch). After Edgar plays a few pranks and then runs off to the cemetery, Anthony realizes that, instead of worrying about how to finish his latest book, he needs to be spending time with his family. Anthony even takes down the picture of his dead wife. Of course, this leads to his first wife’s skeleton rising up through the staircase. She and Anthony share one final dance, and Anthony declares that he now knows how his book is going to end.
This was a pilot that was not turned into a series. I watched it twice before writing this review. The first time I watched it, it was pretty obvious to me why it wasn’t picked up. A lot of the humor fell flat, and Anthony Perkins, who would die two years after this aired, looked tired and unwell. Too many of the jokes were jokes only because Perkins was the one saying them. That said, when I watched it a second time, I saw that, for all of its flaws, the pilot was actually rather sweet-natured, and it probably could have made for a good series if the show had been given an opportunity to develop. Anthony dancing with his wife’s remains and then dedicating his book to her worked surprisingly well. That said, even on a second viewing, Perkins still didn’t seem particularly comfortable delivering sitcom-style one-liners. If ever a role called out for Roddy McDowall, it was the role of Anthony Strack.
I can see why this pilot didn’t become a series, but it did have potential. If nothing else, Ghost Writer is a more than appropriate way to kill 23 minutes in October.
A Blast From The Past: Tip O’Neill’s 3D House of Representatives
Hey, kids! This week, it looks like Count Floyd has a real scary one! Sit back and watch this preview for Tip O’Neill’s 3D House Of Representatives!
(This blast from the past comes to us from SCTV and the year 1983.)
Horror Film Review: Black Friday (dir by Casey Tebo)
Black Friday! It’s an unofficial holiday, or at least it was until the COVID lockdowns screwed up everyone’s spending priorities. After spending Thanksgiving with family, eating turkey, and maybe watching a football game or two, people gather outside of their favorite stores and wait for the doors to open. When those doors open, the crowd rushes into the store with the energy of a riot. Getting in the store first presumably means that you’ll be the first to clear all of the marked-down merchandise off of the shelves. It’s your chance to get a good start on shopping for Christmas. If anyone gets in your way, knock them down. If anyone tries to grab what you’re trying to grab, beat them over the head with Junior’s future Christmas gift. Black Friday is a time when you have to be ruthless. Sure, you could just do all of your shopping online, but then you have to hope that your gifts actually arrive on time and without anyone else opening them. My sisters and I used to love Black Friday, though it’s been a while since we’ve participated. To be honest, I imagine it’s one of those traditions that will soon end. New generations will never know the joy of fighting over a silverware set.
That said, as much as customers love Black Friday and as much as business executives enjoy the extra money, I imagine it really has to suck for the poor people who actually work at the stores. I mean, you’re basically giving up your holiday weekend so that you can deal with a bunch of entitled jerks who think that the world is going to end unless they get the perfect gift, and they’re willing to get into a fight and potentially damage merchandise to do it. It has to suck, cleaning and straightening up after a human tornado has torn through your store. That’s why my sisters and I always went out of our way to not make too much of a mess and to pick up after ourselves on Black Friday.
That said, I don’t think that there’s much that we could have done to help out the crew in 2021’s Black Friday. The employees of We Love Toys already know that, as a toy store, they’re going to get hit hard. What they don’t expect is that a virus is going to break out and it’s going to turn the shoppers and anyone bitten by a shopper into the equivalent of a bloodthirsty zombie. The employees soon find themselves trapped in their store, forced to use toys as weaponry. Fortunately, their manager is played by Bruce Campbell, but Bruce isn’t playing Ash Williams here. Instead, he’s just playing a store manager who made the mistake of opening the doors on Black Friday.
Black Friday is occasionally amusing. I liked the fact that it was occasionally difficult to tell the difference between the infected lunatics and the crazed shoppers. I imagine the film itself would be a bit of wish-fulfillment for anyone who has ever worked in a store on Black Friday. It’s not a classic by any means. Some of the characters are a bit underwritten. But it does have Bruce Campbell, and you can’t go wrong there!
Anyway, this Black Friday, remember to be polite to the people who are just trying to collect a paycheck. They deserve to enjoy their holiday too.
