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Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 5.1 “Suicide Stunt”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the fifth season begins.

Episode 5.1 “Suicide Stunt”

(Dir by Michael Caffey, originally aired on October 4th, 1981)

The fifth season opens with the Highway Patrol pursuing a gang of thieves and also keeping an eye on Janos Szabo (Les Lannom), a motorcycle daredevil from Hungary who has come to Los Angeles to take part in charity show for “Highway Patrol Widows and Orphans.”

Since Hungary was controlled by the evil communists (hisssss!) when this episode originally aired, I assumed the episode would be about Janos trying to defect so that he could start a new life in the greatest country on Earth, the USA (yay!).  Instead, it turned out that Janos was more concerned with spending time with an ex-girlfriend named Maria (Anita Jodelsohn) who had defected (Good for you, Maria!) and was now working for the Highway Patrol.  The entire episode was pretty much scene after scene of Janos sneaking away from his handlers, stealing a vehicle, and then trying to kidnap Maria.  Maria found it to be amusing.  The members of the Highway Patrol were amused.  Even Janos’s handlers seemed to be secretly amused.  Still, when Janos set a fire outside of the CHP headquarters to distract everyone so that he could steal another car (this one with Maria in it), Ponch had no choice other than to arrest him.

“I am glad it is you who arrest me,” Janos says to Ponch, smiling like an idiot.

With Janos arrested, it falls on Jon Baker to perfect the stunts while riding Janos’s motorcycle.  And Baker is able to do it easily, even the one that involves bursting through a ring of fire.  So, I guess they didn’t need Janos to begin with.  They should have just had Baker do it and they could have saved a lot of money.  Way to waste the taxpayer’s cash, Jerry Brown!

(He was governor at the time.  Then, like 30 years later, he was governor again.)

Odd episode, this one.  Most season premieres try to go big but this was pretty much just another episode of CHiPs.  The California scenery was nice.  I always appreciate that this show was largely shot on location and, as a result, even the worst episodes have some value as a time capsule.  That said, Janos was an incredibly annoying character.  The fact that the show meant for us to laugh at his antics made him even more annoying.  There’s only so many times you can watch one jackass try to abduct one woman before you say, “Enough already!”

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.7 “Asian Cut”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

There’s another serial killer haunting the streets of Miami.  We all know what that means.  It’s time to put either Trudy or Gina in harm’s way again.

Episode 5.7 “Asian Cut”

(Dir by James Contner, originally aired on January 13th, 1989)

Someone is murdering prostitutes and carving symbols into their skin.  The seemingly friendly Prof. Halliwell (David Schramm) confirms that the symbols are Asian in origin.  Crockett and Castillo suspect that the murderer might be a knife-obsessed Japanese gangster named Tegoro (Cary-Hiroyui Tagawa) but it turns out that they’re wrong.  Gina and Trudy work undercover as escort and Trudy meets Carlos (Alfredo Alvarez Calderon), a man with a kink for being beaten.  Carlos wants to introduce Trudy to a friend of his, someone who is something of an expert on torture and who learned the majority of his techniques while he was serving in the CIA during the Vietnam War….

Yep, the murderer is Prof. Halliwell!

This episode was thoroughly unpleasant.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to episodes about serial killers and David Schramm did a good job of switching from being goofy to deadly.  However, in this case, it was hard not to think about the fact that, in five seasons, Gina and Trudy haven’t really gotten to do much other than pretend to be escorts and get threatened by serial killers.  For once, Gina was the one providing support while Trudy was the one put in jeopardy but it still otherwise felt very, very familiar.  Even the twist that the killer was a former CIA agent who specialized in torturing enemy combatants felt just a bit too predictable.  (On Miami Vice, anyone who is former CIA and not named Castillo always turns out to be a murderer.)  The torture scenes were so drawn out that they ultimately felt a bit gratuitous.

This episode ultimately just felt icky,

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 3.1 “Playing God, Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

Today, we start the third season of St. Elsewhere with some new opening credits!

Episode 3.1 “Playing God, Part One”

(Dir by Bruce Paltrow, originally aired on September 19th, 1984)

The opening of the third season finds that St. Eligius is just as depressing as it’s ever been.

Fiscus leads a group of new residents, including Dr. Elliott Axelrod (played by new series regular Stephen Furst), through the hospital.  Fiscus comes across as being an arrogant jackass.  I guess that’s the appeal of being a second-year resident.  You get to look down on all of the first-years.

Jack is still dating Clancy (young Helen Hunt).  When Clancy tells Jack that she’s pregnant, he’s shocked when she says she’s planning on getting an abortion.  Jack proposes to her.  Clancy says she’s not ready to get married and she’s not ready to have a baby.

Dr. Craig is still yelling at Dr. Ehrlich.  Dr. Ehrlich is still annoying the nurses.

Speaking of the nurses, they’re going on strike!

Three firefighters (one of whom is played by Erin Hudson) are injured while on the job and are rushed to St. Eligius with severe burns.  Luckily, plastic surgeon Bobby Caldwell (Mark Harmon, without that terrible mustache he wore during season two) is on call.

Dr. Peter White is working in a shady clinic and is still suing for his right to be a resident.

A traffic accident leaves one nun in a coma and apparently brain-dead.  Sister Doemnica (Michael Learned) wants to take her off life-support.  Westphall (Ed Flanders), who seems even more depressed than usual, disagrees.  It looks like there’s going to be some conflict about this.  For once, I’m on Westphall’s side.  I’m believer in hope.

Auschlander is still battling his cancer.

In other words, it’s another day at St. Eligius.  The third season premiere did a good job of re-introducing viewers to the hospital.  The snarkiness of Fiscus’s tour nicely balanced all of the more dramatic moments in the episode.  If anything has me worried, it’s the possible return of the loathsome Peter White.  How is the hospital going to deal with the return of a man who they all know is a rapist, even if he was somehow acquitted?  I guess we’ll find out.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.22 “A Dolphin Song For Lee, Part 2”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Lee dies.

Episode 4.22 “A Dolphin Song For Lee Part 2”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 23rd, 1988)

Remember how, last week, Lee (Bess Meyer) was told that her cancer had gone into remission and she was going to live?  Well, this week, the cancer comes back and Lee dies after a month.

What a depressing episode!

Lee gets to do a lot in that month.  She goes out on a boat and saves a group of dolphins from some hunters.  She testified before Congress and, through emotional blackmail, gets them to pass a bill protecting the dolphins.  She swims with a dolphin!  And then she dies and its suggested that she’s been reborn as a dolphin.

Normally, I would complain about how shamelessly manipulative this all is but you know what?  I like dolphins.  I’ll forgive a lot when it comes to dolphins.

And, also, I am going to give some credit where is credit is due.  Not every story has a happy ending.  Sometimes, people die.  It’s not fair but it happens.  Highway to Heaven admitted that in this episode and I was in tears by the end of it.

Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

Casey goes undercover at nightclub.

Episode 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”

(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on December 30th, 1957)

Casey is working undercover, pretending to be a photographer named Judy.  She’s been working at a run-down nightclub for two months, trying to find evidence that the club’s owner, Frank (James Mitchell), was responsible for a payroll theft.  Frank has an alibi but Casey is able to get her man when she convinces Frank’s second-in-command, Chi Chi (Al Lewis), to turn on him.  Chi Chi is in love with Frank’s girlfriend, Georgia (Kay Medford).

This was not a bad episode.  Casey got to wear a pretty dress and Beverly Garland got to show off her acting skills as she flirted with Frank and worked to turn Chi Chi against him.  Interestingly enough, this episode ended on something of a melancholy note.  Casey managed to send Frank to jail and Chi Chi and Georgia left for France together but the night club closed and blind pianist Alex (Richard Ward), the only truly decent person in this episode, ended up out of a job.  In the end, Casey looked almost as if she was about to cry.  It’s not easy, working undercover.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.5 “California Freeze Out”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

Victory’s yours …. for that taking….

Ugh, let’s do this.

Episode 2.5 “California Freeze Out”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 22nd, 1986)

Training camp continues!

Oh, Good Lord, does it continue.

And look, I get it.  This was a low-budget show that relied on stock footage for the majority of its game footage.  There was probably only so much footage available.  Not every episode could feature a game.  And training camp is an important part of football and I’m sure that, back in 1986, HBO was proud of that set they built for the ugly bar where all the players hang out.  It’s not a bad set.  You look at it and you can literally smell the rancid combination of sweat and urine that seems to follow most male athletes.

But seriously …. I’M TIRED OF TRAINING CAMP!  Its time to move on!

As for this episode …. hey, Waldren is already back from rehab and he’s clean!  That was quick.  However, shady quarterback Johnny Valentine continues to hang out with drug dealers and Waldren gives into temptation.  He ends up at a raucous drug party that’s busted by the cops.  Waldren jumps out of a window.  His date is accidentally shot.  You might think that Johnny Valentine would be in trouble considering how anti-drug the league has become but it turns out that Johnny is a star and busting him would effect ad revenue.  So, Johnny gets off scot-free.

Meanwhile, O.J. Simpson — whoops, sorry, I meant to say T.D. Parker, don’t hurt me, Vengeful Spirit of O.J. — recruits a young player named Rick Lambert (Marcus Allen) to be the team’s new running back.  Marcus Allen gave such a stiff performance that I immediately realized that he had to have been an actual player and it turns out that I was right.  You can always tell the actual players because they’re the ones who can never summon up any emotion when they stumble through their lines.  O.J. was the epitome of a player who became a bad actor but he came across as being …. well, not quite Olivier but maybe David Niven, while acting opposite Marcus Allen.  Maybe that’s why Allen was added to the cast, to make O.J. look good.

Anyway, here’s hoping that O.J. and the rest of the Bulls slash their way out of training camp soon!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.26 “The Professor Has Class/When The Magic Disappears/We, The Jury”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 6.26 “The Professor Has Class/When The Magic Disappears/We, The Jury”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 2nd, 1983)

I sent a message to my friend Jason, letting him know about this week’s episode of The Love Boat.

“This week’s episode featured a Van Patten and a Van Dyke!” I wrote.

He wrote back, “Two Dicks?”

“No, one Dick and a Barry.”

Dick Van Patten plays The Great Stellini.  He’s upset that his daughter (Mary-Margaret Humes) wants to marry Joey Gardiner (Barry Van Dyke), a novice magician.  The Great Stellini thinks that Joey wants to steal all of his tricks.  His daughter teaches Stellini a lesson by actually disappearing during their stage show.  Stellini is humiliated but he learns an important lesson about letting go and also supporting younger magicians.

Meanwhile, Anne Meara played Jerry Stiller’s former landlady.  Anne was using Jerry for damaging her property.  Gopher decided that a jury made up of the crew should decide the case.  Huh?  Why?  That makes no sense.  But you know what?  Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller were so cute together that it didn’t really matter.

Finally, a 91 year-old professor (Sam Jaffe) was upset to discover that one of his former students (Bettye Ackerman) was going to replace him.  Luckily, everyone fell in love.  Sam Jaffe was one of the great character actors and it was kind of nice to see him on this show, acting opposite his wife, Bettye Ackerman.  This was Jaffe’s final performance and he had a twinkle in his eye.  He seemed to be having fun.

This was a pleasant cruise!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.6 “Sandman”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bicyclists continue to get in everyone’s way.

Episode 3.6 “Sandman”

(Dir by Terrence H. Winkless, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1997)

A hitman named Robert “Sandman” Enright (John Michael Bolger) has been released from prison.  Because Enright was previously arrested by TC, TC decides to start harassing him as soon as he gets out of jail.  For a bunch of dorks on bikes, the Pacific Blue folks sure do enjoy abusing their power.

Anyway, Sandman is out for revenge against the three men who framed him.  And, since TC is tailing him everywhere, Sandman is able to manipulate TC into basically becoming his bodyguard.  The main theme of this episode is that TC is an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, Cory’s boyfriend, FBI Agent Tim Stone (David Lee Smith), confessed that he was thinking of getting back together with his ex.  With Chris’s support, Cory fought for her man.  Myself, I just struggled with the fact that Stone, TC, Palermo — and their actors, Smith, Jim Davidson, and Rick Rossovich — all basically looked like the same guy at different stages of his life.

Finally, Palermo, TC, and Victor played volleyball!  That was at the end of the episode and it went on for a while.  The whole scene felt like the show’s way of saying, “Hey, remember when Rick Rossovich was in Top Gun?  That was cool.”

As usual, this episode featured a lot of tough talk and intense looks, all of which were negated by the presence of grown-ups on bicycles.  Even when TC was spying on the Sandman, he did while sitting on his bicycle.  It just looked dumb.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

This week, an acquaintance returns to the Island.

Episode 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on March 24th, 1984)

Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is back!

Okay, maybe you don’t remember Nyah.  This  is Nyah’s first appearance since the fourth season.  In between the last time that Michelle Phillips played Nyah and her resurfacing in this episode, Phillips played five other characters on Fantasy Island.

So, to refresh your memory, Nyah is a mermaid.  During seasons three and four, she tried to tempt men to their death in the ocean and she was presented as being a friendly enemy of Mr. Roarke’s.  In this episode, however, Nyah is a bit nicer.  She’s not malicious as much as she’s just immature.  Roarke, for his part, treats her like a wayward teenager.  Nyah has a fantasy, of course.  She’s tired of being immortal and she wants Roarke to make her a mortal.  Roarke says that he can’t do that.  “You’re the only man who understands immortality!” Nyah says.

Nyah wants to die but instead, Roarke plays matchmaker and arranges for her to meet Duke McCall (Dennis Cole), a sailor who believes in mermaids.  He doesn’t have any issue with Nyah being a mermaid but Nyah, having fallen in love with him, fears that Duke will drown if he tries to pursue her.  Fortunately, for everyone involved, Duke turns into a merman.  Don’t ask me how these things work.  I’m just glad that Roarke didn’t have to kill anyone.

Meanwhile, banker Mitchell Robinson (Bert Convy) fears that he’s going to be replaced by a computer.  Charlene Hunt (Gloria Loring) claims that her computer is just as good at checking loan applications as any human.  She stages a competition between the computer and Mitchell.  Mitchell tries to explain to the computer that it’s important to judge people not just on their credit rating but also their body language.  This somehow causes the computer to explode and Mitchell keeps his job.

“Yay!” viewers in 1984 cheered, “computers will never replace us!”  HA!  Joke’s on you, Mitchell Robinson!

Seriously, you don’t have to tell me about the dangers of a fully automated world.  A.I. is fun for making silly images but it’s going to ultimately lead to a lot of people believing a lot of false things.  But Mitchell was so smug about beating the computer that I’m kind of glad that he still probably lost his job a few years later.  You can’t stop the march of technology, Mitchell!

As for this trip to the Island, the computer storyline didn’t really go anywhere but I did enjoy Michelle Phillip’s return as Nyah.  She and Ricardo Montalban had an enjoyable chemistry and it was fun to watch them bicker.  This week’s episode was uneven but, thanks to Michelle Phillips, it was still more enjoyable the most of what we’ve seen for the seventh season.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.21 “A Special Operation”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the fourth season comes to an end.

Episode 4.21 “A Special Operation”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson., originally aired on May 17th, 1981)

Season 4 comes to an odd end with A Special Operation.

Getraer is injured when he crashes his motorcycle.  He takes a piece of metal to the face and he nearly loses his eyesight.  Luckily, the abrasive but brilliant Dr. Patterson (James Sloyan) is able to save both Getraer’s eye and his ability to see with it.  However, the idealistic young Dr. Rhodes (A Martinez) worries that Patterson may have missed something.  Can Patterson set aside his ego long enough to listen to his younger colleague?

Hey, wait a minute, isn’t this CHiPs?

I don’t have any way to prove this but there’s a part of me that strongly suspects the season finale of CHiPs was also a backdoor pilot for a medical show.  So much time is spent with Patterson, Rhodes, and the nurses at the local hospital that it just feels like there was some hope that viewers would call in and demand to see more of Dr. Rhodes.  A Martinez even gives a very Erik Estrada-style performance in the role of Rhodes.

Speaking of Estrada, he’s barely in this episode.  (Ponch, we’re told, is preparing for to testify in a big court case.)  It largely falls to Jon Baker to stop the assassin (Eugene Butler) who has been hired to try to take Getraer out of commission.  This, of course, leads to the assassin stealing an ambulance and Baker chasing him.  The ambulance flips over in slow motion but somehow, the assassin survives to that Baker can arrest him.

It was a strange end for a season that’s largely been dominated by Erik Estrada and his performance as Ponch.  (Larry Wilcox, I will say, looked happy to have the finale to himself.)  For the most part, Season 4 was an uneven season.  The writing so favored Estrada over Wilcox that the show sometimes felt like it was turning into a parody of itself.  The show that started out about two partners on motorcycles became a show about how Ponch could literally walk on water and do no wrong.

Next week, we start season 5!