Halloween Resurrection: ALT Title: Big Brother in Hell, but boring


Dearest Gentle Readers, we have reached the last installment of the Halloween review series- there have been peaks and there have been subterranean valleys. Halloween Resurrection is a valley that hides under a viaduct that is peed in constantly by drunken hobos; it’s not good.  Sorry to end on a low note, but Resurrection really shit the bed. Halloween H20 was a throwback to suspense and cleverness and Resurrection is a throwback to sitting in the DMV and hoping you’ll have a cardiac event.  It is obvious to me that the writing sunk this film.  The actors in both films were pretty good.  In fact, the second film had Katee Sackhoff of BSG fame, but terrible writing can sink the greatest performances.  In this case, Halloween Resurrection had the unholy mixture of being boring and preachy.  Not a huge shocker that the person who wrote Resurrection was Larry Brand who went on to bore us by writing the script for “Girl on the Train.”  Rick Rosenthal, the Resurrection director, is very talented, but when your script is garbage, you can’t expect miracles, but you can expect a terrible movie.

We begin by learning that JLC didn’t kill her brother; It was a setup.  BLECHHH! JLC is in an asylum and MM comes in, kills her, and gives the knife to a mental patient – framing him.  I’m not writing more than that because it sucked so bad.  This opening pissed me off because it negated the better previous film and did it in a shitty way. RAGE GROWING!!! The opening sequence deserves capital punishment and then to be dug up and shot.  RAGE!



*Breathes into paper bag*

Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are making an Internet reality show.  Sarah, the heroine, is ambivalent.  Katee Sackhoff plays a fame whore.  There’s a guy from American Pie.  There’s a very attractive Ginger.  A guy who looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.  A guy named Rudy.  Deckar is a 15 year old who is Sarah’s Internet Boyfriend and likely the first Internet catfish who never sees Sarah, but helps her along the way like Al in Quantum Leap (Quantum Leap was a show about how Presidents practiced nude decoupage….PROVE ME WRONG … by watching the show).

Busta and Tyra have set up all of the Internet participants to stay at the Haddonfield home of MM with crazy evil props everywhere – think if Big Brother took a psychopathic, yet boring left turn.

Deckar is convinced by his friend to go to a party and get offline because then they can meet people IRL and get laid.  Deckar’s friend has a point, but it gets belaboured because this movie sucks.  They go to a Halloween party dressed like Pulp Fiction characters because their 14 year old peers would totally get the reference somehow to a movie that came out when they were 4.  Deckar – a fifteen year old boy – sneaks away from the party, goes into a room alone, shuts the door, turns on the homeowner’s computer, gets comfy in swivel chair, goes onto the Internet, and totally does NOT engage in self-abuse….OKAY, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it! He watches the Big Brother from Hell and starts to think that there might be some real murdering going on in the BB From Hell House.

American Pie guy pervs on Katee Sackhoff and nearly gets some where, but is soon killed.

Teens walk in on Deckar, seeing him on the computer alone in the room and the teen boy shouts, PERV!  Finally, some honesty in this film in re: onanism! 

BB From Hell:  Booger tries to convince Ginger to have sex with him.  We learn that she is a”Critical Studies” major.  CRITICAL STUDIES?!!! CAN’T ANYTHING BE REAL?! Seriously movie, fuck off!  You’re not even trying!  Initially, Ginger spurns Booger’s moves, but then out of nowhere, Ginger needs to pork Booger.  FINE. 

Wait…I’m calling the police:

9-1-1: What is your emergency?

Me: I want to report an ongoing theft and assault.

9-1-1: What is being stolen and who is being assaulted?

Me: All viewers of this terrible film are having their valuable time stolen.

9-1-1: Sir, who is being assaulted?


9-1-1:  Oh yeah, he did that terrible train movie thing…We’re inbound.

Sarah and the others confront Busta Rhymes about the BB House from Hell.  He admits that it’s all fake.  Soon after, all of the moderately interesting people are killed: Booger, Ginger, Katee Sackhoff, Rudy, and Tyra Banks (she’s killed off screen).

Only Busta and Sarah are left to save the day.  They battle MM and electrocute him, but he opens his eyes at the end, so whatever.

There are times when writers should be failed.

Wait, I just got a letter from Larry Brand. He apologizes for being just awful.

Embracing the Melodrama #48: Coyote Ugly (dir by David McNally)


“Never give up on your dreams!” is such a familiar movie cliché that I have to admit that there’s a part of me that really wants to see a mainstream, big budget studio film that proudly declares, “Give up!”  We’ve seen so many films about photogenic people who leave pretty but predictable small towns and end up in big, scary New York City that we pretty much know exactly what’s going to happen as soon as they step off that bus.  They’re going to get robbed.  They’re going to end up at an all-night dinner.  They’re going to meet the lover of their dreams.  They’re going to get quirky friends.  They’re going to become a success.  And, most importantly, they’ll be advised to “never give up on your dreams!”  It’s not that I’m cynical or that I don’t enjoy watching people succeed.  It’s just all so predictable that I found myself yearning for a film that will not slavishly follow the formula.

Unfortunately, 2000’s Coyote Ugly is not that film.  In fact, Coyote Ugly is such a thoroughly predictable film that it’s perhaps not surprising to discover that it’s also a film that’s been embraced by a lot of people.  It never ceases to amaze me how, whenever Coyote Ugly shows up on cable, twitter is full of viewers declaring their love.

Coyote Ugly tells the story of  Violet (Piper Perabo), who may look like an ordinary waitress from New Jersey but who aspires to be a songwriter in New York City.  As the film begins, she is in the process of leaving her loving but overprotective father (John Goodman) and her best friend (Melanie Lynesky) so that she can move to the big city and never give up on her dream.  Before she leaves, she’s asked to sign a piece of paper so that it can be tacked to the wall of the local pizza place.  It’s a tradition, apparently.  Before anyone leaves town for New York, they’re asked to leave behind an autograph.  The wall is covered with signatures, indicating that apparently every waitress in New Jersey thinks that she’s a songwriter.

Violet moves to New York and, at first, it seems like she might not make it.  Her apartment is a dump and her neighbors get mad whenever she sings.  (Violet responds by setting up a small recording studio on the roof of her building.)  Nobody is willing to listen to her demo.  About the only good thing that happens to Violet is that she meets Kevin (Adam Garcia), an Australian who encourages her to never give up on her dreams.

Eventually, Violet finds herself in one of those all-night diners that always seem to pop up in movies like this.  She notices that the girls seated at a table near her seem both to be happy and to have a lot of money.  It turns out that they work at the Coyote Ugly Saloon and since one of them (played by Tyra Banks, in a cameo) is quitting so she can go to law school, that means that there’s soon going to be an opening at the bar.

After talking to the Coyote’s owner, Lil (Maria Bello), Violet manages to get a job as a bartender.  Along with serving drinks to a combination of hipsters, frat boys, and stock brokers, another part of Violet’s job is to jump up on the bar and dance.  Eventually, she even gets a chance to sing when it’s discovered that the sound of her voice (or, to be technical about it, LeAnn Rimes’s voice since Rimes provided Violet’s singing voice) can somehow inspire drunks to stop fighting and act civilized.  Violet bonds with her fellow bartender Cammie (Izbella Miko) while the other bartender, Rachel (Bridget Moynahan) takes an instant and almost pathological dislike to her.  Lili is tough, Cammie is a flirt, and Rachel likes to set things on fire.  That’s about all we find out about them.

Even when her father disowns her for working at the Coyote and even when she and Kevin have a fight over her extreme stage fight and Kevin’s refusal to talk about his troubled past, Violet never gives up on her dreams!

And, if you can’t guess every single thing that happens in Coyote Ugly before it happens, then you really need to start watching more movies.

Despite the fact that the movie is named after the Coyote Ugly Saloon and it’s full of scenes of Violet and her co-workers dancing on top of that bar, the Coyote Ugly itself is actually pretty superfluous to the overall film.  The film itself is all about Violet pursuing her dream to become a songwriter and the bar itself really doesn’t play that major of a role into her eventual success.  Instead, it’s just a place where she works.  Violet could just as easily have worked at a particularly rowdy Dave and Buster’s and the overall film would have turned out the same.

And that’s a shame because, while watching the film, it’s hard not to feel that a movie about either Lil, Cammie, or Rachel (or, for that matter, a film about Tyra Banks going to law school) would be a thousand times more interesting that any film about boring old Violet.  I mean, here we have a film named after a business that is owned by a woman and that specifically employs and potentially empowers other women and what does the movie do with all of this material?

It tells a story so predictable and so simplistic that it could just as easily been generated by a computer program.

Coyote Ugly is a massive mixed opportunity but, for whatever reason, some people seem to love it.


And good for them.