Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”

Posted on September 9, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, life’s sweetest reward….

Episode 8.10 “By Hook or by Crook/Revenge with the Proper Stranger/Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 17th, 1984)

Missy (Heidi Bohay) boards the boat with her husband, Jack (William R. Moses). Missy is upset that Jack had an affair so she decides to even score by having one of her own. She also decides that it should be with the biggest loser on the ship, the better to make Jack feel bad. She selects Lester (Ken Kercheval), who is loud and obnoxious and wears an old timey nightshirt to bed. Lester is convinced that he’s a legendary lover. However, he never gets a chance to prove it to Missy because Missy ultimately decides to forgive her husband. That’s probably for the best.

Consumer advocate Marvin Cooperman (Ray Buketencia) is upset when his wife, Carol (Jan Smithers), take an advertising job with the owner of Ms. Brown’s Brownies, Ellen Brown (Devon Erickson). Eventually, Marvin realizes that he needs to stop devoting all of his time to work and that Carol has every right to pursue a career of her own. Marvin takes over the Acapulco Lounge to let all the passengers on the ship know that he loves his wife and that Ms. Brown’s Brownies are the best. I guess Marvin was meant to be a less evil version of Ralph Nader.

Finally, Judy is feeling depressed about her divorce. When she falls for a handsome, bearded passenger named Mike (Patrick Wayne), it looks like she’s finally got something to be happy about. However, Gopher worries that there’s something strange about Mike. What is Mike trying to hide? In fact, why is Mike using the name Mike when his actual name is Sam? Could Mike be a criminal!? No, actually, Mike is an FBI agent and he’s using a fake name so he can safely go on vacation without the cartels trying to assassinate him. Gopher feels dumb. Judy’s in love. But seriously …. this guy has got a contract out on his life. Don’t get too attached, Judy! This story would have been great if Lauren Tewes was still on the show. Pat Klous is fine as Judy but the character just doesn’t have the same sibling chemistry with Gopher and Isaac that Julie did.

This cruise goes in the pleasant but forgettable file. There was nothing particularly bad about it but there wasn’t really anything great about it either. It was The Love Boat on autopilot and the ocean was lovely.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.9 “Long Time No See/The Bear Essence/Kisses and Makeup”

Posted on February 18, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Love won’t hurt anymore….

Episode 7.9 “Long Time No See/The Bear Essence/Kisses and Makeup”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 12th, 1983)

This week, it’s a carnival cruise!

No, I don’t mean the type of cruise that starts as a dance party and devolves into a riot. I mean, there’s an actual carnival occurring on the cruise. The head of the carnival (Howard Keel) is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s and Stubing loves a carnival. That’s all good and well but I hope they gave the passengers fair warning what type of cruise they were buying tickets for. I don’t mind carnivals but I wouldn’t necessarily want to deal with one while on a romantic cruise.

Young photographer Aurora Adams (Jan Smithers) takes an interest in the carnival owner. Is she hitting on a man old enough to be her father? No, specially because the man is her father! She doesn’t reveal this until towards the end of the cruise.

Meanwhile, Chip Ryan (Michael Lembeck) and Chester O’Brien (Christopher Mayer) are a comedy team who are training a bear. When it turns out that the bear cannot be trained to follow orders, they decide that one of them should wear a bear suit and…. no, I’m not making this up. Anyway, Chip and Chester both fall for Dottie Becks (Randi Oakes) and, by the end of the cruise, it looks like they’re going to have a very modern arrangement. *wink* *wink*

Newlywed Scott Pryor (Dean Butler) is overwhelmed by the beauty of his wife (Crystal Bernard). His wife takes off her makeup and he doesn’t recognize her. Eh. Let’s just ignore this storyline.

So, this episode …. you know, the newlywed and the long lost daughter stories were both pretty dumb but the bear storyline was just silly enough to be fun. I would not have chosen to take this particular cruise but, if I did, I’d spend the whole time watching the bear.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”

Posted on July 16, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard, we’re expecting you….

Episodes 6.7 and 6.8 “The Spoonmaker Diamond/Papa Doc/The Role Model/Julie’s Tycoon”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on November 13th, 1982)

The Love Boat is going to Greece and Turkey!

Well, actually, it’s the Love Boat crew that is going to Greece and Turkey. They’ve been asked to temporarily take over another ship and, of course, Captain Stubing said yes. This is one of those two-hour Love Boat episodes where the action was actually shot on location and on a real cruise ship. As such, it’s more of a travelogue that anything. We get to see the sights of both Greece and Turkey and no one makes any jokes about Midnight Express.

The majority of the storylines revolve around the Spoonmaker Diamond, a very valuable diamond that has been stolen by someone on the ship. Was the diamond stolen by Emmett and Ellen Stokes (Harvey Korman and Nancy Dussault)? Was the diamond stolen by Mark Hayward (Mike Connors)? That’s what Inspector Sadu (Jamie Farr) is trying to figure out! Of course, regardless of who stole it, it ultimately ends up in the unknowing possession of travel agent Dana Pierce (Polly Bergen). Will Mark steal the diamond or will he fall in love with Dana? Why can’t he do both? This was an odd story because you had the goofiness of Harvey Korman and Jamie Farr and then you had the grouchy intensity of Mike Connors. Connors seemed to be under the impression that he was appearing on a hard-boiled crime show as opposed to an enjoyably silly comedy about a cruise ship.

Meanwhile, Sabrina Drake (Jan Smithers) is a young heiress who is traveling with her mother, Amanda (Alexis Smith). Amanda is not happy when she sees that tabloid reporter Joe Novak (Kiel Martin) is also on the cruise. She’ll probably be even less happy when she discovers that Amanda is 1) secretly seeing Joe and 2) is pregnant. When Doc finds out that Sabrina is pregnant, he offers to marry her. Why not? He’s known her for two days and he’s in love. Fortunately, Joe talks to Amanda and wins Amanda’s blessing for his relationship with Sabrina. Doc remains single.

Speaking of marriage, Greek tycoon Gregori Pananopolis (Lorenzo Lamas) asks Julie to marry him. Julie is stunned and says she needs some time to think it over. She tells Captain Stubing that she’s not sure if she’s ready to get married. Uhmm …. Julie, this like the third or fourth guy who had asked you to marry him on this show. You’ve nearly gotten married twice. It’s odd how the show always acts as if marriage proposals aren’t a recurring theme when it comes to Julie. Fortunately, Julie stays single because we all know she’s destined to eventually marry Doc. Or Gopher, maybe.

Fashion photographer Cliff Jacobs (David Hedison) runs into his ex-wife, model Monica Brandon (Linda Evans). He lies about having landed a job with a magazine in order to get her to pose for him. He also takes some pictures of Vicki posing amongst the ruins of Greece. Later, a magazine contacts him and offers to make Vicki into a star but he and Monica decide not to tell Vicki because they don’t want her to have to deal with pressure of being a model. Hey Cliff and Monica, that’s really not your decision to make. I’m sure being a model would be no less detrimental to Vicki than spending her entire youth on a cruise ship with people who are several decades older than her.

As I said at the start of the review, this episode worked best as a travelogue. None of the stories were particularly intriguing but the scenery was lovely. Even Turkey looked like a nice place to visit!