Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.6 “The Dark Side”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, who cares about a concussion?

Episode 4.6 “The Dark Side”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 9th, 1988)

Going into the half, the Bulls are in danger of losing their first game of the season.  Dodds Company executive Michael Westwood (Paul Tuerpe) has suspended Bubba and Jethro for refusing to sell their bar.  “They draw a criminal element,” Michael said.  “They’re just football players!” TD Parker (OJ Simpson) snaps back.  Because Bubba and Jethro aren’t there to protect him, quarterback Doug Clayton (Scott Geyer) has been sacked and is now playing with a concussion.

During the coach’s locker room talk, Doug suddenly imagines that he’s in a Vietnam war film and that he and the team are soldiers on a mission to rescue Bubba and Jethro from a POW camp.  OJ Simpson dresses up like Rambo and leads the assault.  OJ kills a lot of people in this episode!

His fantasy over, the still dazed Doug heads back out to play the second half, this time with Bubba and Jethro once again blocking for him.

So, to make clear, Doug is playing with a severe concussion.  That’s really the entire plot of this episode.  The Vietnam stuff is occasionally amusing if overly broad.  Bubba and Jethro recreate The Deer Hunter’s Russian Roulette scene.  OJ Simpson still comes across as being oddly mild-mannered, even while firing a machine gun.  That said, it’s hard not to feel that Doug, who gave up a Rhodes scholarship to play professional football, is basically sacrificing his life for one game.

Oh well.  The Bulls win.  That’s the important thing.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat Boat 7.25 and 7.26 “”Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, everyone’s singing!

Episodes 7.25 and 7.26 “Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 5th, 1984)

A Hollywood film crew is setting sail on The Love Boat.  They’ll be shooting a movie called Dreamboat and the passengers and the crew will be acting as extras!  Dreamboat is a musical which means that, for the next two hours, everyone on the Pacific Princess is going to be randomly breaking out into song.

From what I’ve seen online, there’s a tendency to dismiss the musical episodes of The Love Boat but I have to admit that I kind of enjoy them.  Our Love Boat crew may not have been the most musically talented group of people but they all seemed to be enjoying the chance to show off and try to hit those high notes.  The songs themselves are nothing special.  It really is more of a community theater production than a Broadway show.  But I like community theater productions.  It’s always nice to see everyone trying their hardest and doing their best.

What’s happening on the ship in between songs?  A lot!

  • Star Faye Marsh (Juliet Prowse), who is insecure about her struggling career, holds up shooting with her demands.  The only time she’s truly happy is when she’s spending time with Doc Bricker, who is a longtime fan.
  • Gopher and Isaac try to get a role in the film.  When they fail to impress director Bennett Barton (Ben Vereen), they then team up to try to help a passenger named Shelley Rush (Melba Moore) get a role.
  • Julie is shocked to discover that the film’s producer, Marty Chenault (Dean Jones), is the brother of her former fiancé.  (Julie’s former fiancé was previously played by Tony Roberts so it was apparently decided to give Dean Jones a perm so that he could look more like Roberts.  It doesn’t really work)  Julie and Marty seem to be falling in love but is it Marty that Julie likes or is she just missing the former lover of her life?
  • Vicki has a crush on singer Johnny Lovett (Jimmy Osmond), who is nervous about making his film debut in Dreamboat.  Johnny sings Spinning Wheel while Vicki snaps her fingers.
  • Captain Stubing falls for Johnny’s mother, Angela (Alexis Smith).

There’s a lot of people to keep track of in this episode but ultimately, the stories don’t matter.  This episode is about singing and dancing and having a good time.  Everyone seems to be having fun.  I felt happy while watching them.

That said, I know what you’re wondering.

On a scale of 0 to 10, Julies scores a perfect ten this week.  When she first sees Marty, her eyes flash with an energy that is generated by more than just love.  This week, Julie never stop smiling and she often seems to be sniffing whenever she’s in the background.

And you know what?  As long as Julie’s happy, I’m happy for her.  This was a very happy episode.

Next week, we reach the end of the seventh season!

Brad reviews Jane Austen’s PERSUASION (1995), starring Ciarán Hinds & Amanda Root!


It’s been a while since I’ve written about any of my favorite romantic films. Today, I thought I would discuss the film that just might be my favorite love story of them all, and that’s the 1995 version of PERSUASION. Based on Jane Austen’s final completed novel, PERSUASION tells the story of Anne Elliot (Amanda Root) who was persuaded eight years earlier, at the age of 19, to reject the hand of the man she loved, Captain Frederick Wentworth (Ciarán Hinds). At the time, Wentworth had no fortune or social standing, but the ensuing years seemed to bring both to the seafaring captain. When fate unexpectedly brings them back together, Anne’s past feelings of love re-emerge, and so does her regret for her earlier decision. After all these years, does the still-single Captain Wentworth love her, or is he ready to move on?

PERSUASION features incredible turns from Amanda Root and Ciarán Hinds as Anne Elliot and Frederick Wentworth. Their performances aren’t built around grand gestures or sweeping declarations of love. They’re built on quick glances, emotional restraint, and an ability to convey lingering pain, regret, and feelings of love that began many years earlier but have never gone away. Their chemistry isn’t flashy, but it is authentic, built over many years rather than some instant attraction. These character traits may seem old-fashioned and unnecessary in this day and time, but the action in the film takes place in early 1800’s where this behavior would have been perfectly natural.

Speaking of “perfectly natural,” director Roger Michell’s realistic presentation of the material is one of the film’s key strengths as far as I’m concerned. Avoiding the polish of most period dramas, PERSUASION embraces the weathered houses, imperfect landscapes, simple costumes, and yes, even the less than glamourous looks of the cast. It seems like we’re watching real people living in the real world instead of impossibly attractive men and women playing dress up. As the lead characters seem to be falling deeper into love over the course of the film, their blossoming happiness makes them more attractive.  

If I haven’t made it clear enough, if you’re looking for a movie that throws a lot of overly dramatic plot twists and simple solutions your way, PERSUASION is probably not the movie for you. But if you enjoy a deliberately paced, mature story that deals with messy themes of missed opportunities, personal growth, and forgiveness, then you just may love it. There are moments when Anne simply watches Wentworth across a room, or clutches a chair as he enters a room, where I felt such a strong connection to the characters. Sometimes the most powerful emotions truly are those that are left unspoken. This film will reward your patience if you stick with it, and its final scenes are very satisfying to me because of what the characters have gone through to reach that point.

PERSUASION is a film that I return to again and again when I’m stressed or need a pick-me-up. It just makes me feel good. In my opinion, it isn’t just one of the best Jane Austen movies, it’s one of the best romantic dramas out there, and I highly recommend it!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.8 “Heat In The Hole”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Chris is finally sent to prison.

Episode 4.8 “Heat In The Hole”

(Dir by Terence H. Winkless, originally aired on October 11th, 1998)

This is the dumbest episode of Pacific Blue yet and that’s really saying something.

The incarcerated are being murdered at the local women’s prison so, of course, a bicycle cop is sent in undercover.  Actually, two bicycle cops are sent in.  The homicide squad wants Chris to go in and pretend to be a prisoner.  TC gets jealous of the hunky homicide detective who is in charge of the case so he assigns Bobby to go undercover as a prison guard and keep an eye on Chris.

This is one of those women’s prisons where everyone is young and attractive (no meth addicts here!) and apparently the official uniform is a tank top.  It doesn’t take long for Chris to establish herself as being tough and willing to fight.  Every prisoner comes to respect her, which is important because, when a riot breaks out, Chris reveals she’s a cop and that she needs the help of the prisoners.

And the prisoners are cool with that.

Seriously.

“Ignore the cop part,” someone says, “Think of how she’s treated us!”

That’s the power of being a bicycle cop.  You can show up in a prison, beat people up for two days, betray everyone’s confidence, and the prisoners will still forgive you for …. reasons, I guess.

Needless to say, if you’re an undercover cop in prison, do not reveal the truth in the middle of a prison riot.  That might work on Pacific Blue but it’s probably the dumbest thing you can do in real life.

While TC is sitting around at home worried, Monica sees this as her chance to make a move on him.  Considering that TC and Chris haven’t stopped arguing since they impulsively got married in Vegas, maybe Monica isn’t really the problem here.  I know that we’re supposed to be rooting for TC and Chris but neither one of them is particularly likable.  I would not want to go out on a couples date with them.

At the end of this episode, two corrupt prison guards are arrested.  Chris leaves the prison.  TC pretends to be happy about it.

This was a dumb episode.

 

Insomnia File #76: Hackers (dir by Iain Softley)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you’re having trouble getting to sleep tonight, you can always go over to Prime or Tubi and enjoy 1995’s Hackers.

Hackers is a film about …. well, it’s right there in the title.  They’re hackers.  They’re cool.  They’re hot.  They’re sexy.  And they are way into computers!  They know everything that there is to know about exploring the internet, breaking into protected accounts, and rewriting code.  They know all about viruses, both how to spread them and how to cure them.  And they’re all teenagers!  The coolest kids at school are totally into computers and they’ve all got nicknames.

Hackers is very much a film of the 90s.  When this film came out, the Internet was still exotic and it was assumed that anyone who could write code had to be an eccentric genius with a larger-than-life personality.  Johnny Lee Miller is Dade Murphy, a.k.a. Zero Cool.  When he was a kid, he almost crashed the global economy.  Matthew Lillard is Emmanuel Goldstein, also known as Cereal Killer.  Lillard is hyperactive and he yells a lot but one can be sure that he’ll be a Silicon Valley billionaire by the time he’s 22.  Angelina Jolie is Kate Libby, also known as Acid Burn.  Hackers was early in Jolie’s career, back when she had so much personality and charisma that she seemed like she might literally step off of the screen and ask you if you wanted to step outside to smoke a joint or maybe do something a bit wilder.  All of the hackers go to high school together.  They all hack computers together.  And they all find themselves targeted by The Plague (Fisher Stevens), a super hacker who is so evil that he rides a skateboard to work.

It’s a perfectly ludicrous film but it’s so cheerfully and excessively stylish and Miller and Jolie have so much chemistry that it doesn’t really matter whether or not the film makes any sense.  This is one of those films where The Plague hatches his evil scheme while standing in a neon room surrounded by screens, as if the film is suggesting that The Plague actually lives in the middle of the Internet.  The music is early EDM.  The action is fast.  The cast has charisma to burn.  This film is about as 90s as a film can get.

Johnny Lee Miller and Angelina Jolie (who was 20 when she shot this film) were married shortly after the film’s release and, though the marriage may not have lasted, their chemistry is explosive.  For lack of a better term, they are totally into each other and it’s exiting to watch them interact.  The end credits roll over a scene of them undressing and making love in a pool and it’s the perfect ending for this film, a jolt of energy that feels like the proper way to celebrate having saved the world from collapse.  It’s also the type of thing that few studio films would be willing to do today.  Somehow, 2026 has turned out to be more puritanical than 1995 and progressiveness has, for many, come to mean either chastity or performative asexuality.  It’s as if both Hollywood and many modern critics have been captured by Orwell’s Anti-Sex League.  (Just consider the bizarre reaction that many had to Christopher Nolan including a sex scene in Oppenheimer.)  Hackers may not be a realistic portrayal of programmers or hackers but it is reminder of a time when movies were not only fun but they were also sexy.  Watching the film, one regrets that Johnny Lee Miller never became a big star and that Angelina Jolie is no longer the unpredictable force a nature that she once was.

Hackers is a trip to a time that may have only existed in our imaginations but it’s still nice to go back and visit on occasion.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost
  66. Ghosts Can’t Do It
  67. Heist
  68. Mind, Body & Soul
  69. Candy
  70. Shortcut to Happiness
  71. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
  72. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders II
  73. Don’t Kill It
  74. Listen To Me
  75. 300 Miles For Stephanie

Lifetime Film Review: The Man In The Window (dir by Richard Switzer)


After her husband is killed in a car accident, Sarah (Teri Polo) retreats to their gigantic suburban home.  She spends her time painting pictures and resisting the efforts of her daughter (Jonetta Kaiser) and her best friend (Jamie-Lynne Sigler) to get her to move on with her life.  To me, it seemed pretty obvious that Sarah was deeply depressed and everyone should really have just backed off and let her recover at her own pace.  However, in the film, six months have passed since her husband’s death and, in the world of Lifetime, that means that it’s time to get back on the dating scene.  Sarah’s daughter assures her that “Dad” would have wanted her to move on.

(Yes, I’m sure that Dad is sitting in the afterlife, thrilled at the idea of his widow finding a new lover less than a year after his death.)

Sarah accompanies her daughter to a speed-dating event.  She goes on 20 dates in two hours.  19 of those dates are duds.  But the twentieth — oh my God.  Jack (Dylan Walsh) is handsome and successful and, as a widower, he understands what Sarah is going through.  Even more importantly, Jack has just moved in across the street from Sarah!  What a romantic coincidence!  Soon, Sarah is falling for Jack and Jack appears to be falling for Sarah.

But then the neighbor turns up dead.

For reasons that aren’t really clear, Sarah doesn’t seem to have really liked Sylvia (Deborah Rennard) that much.  Sylvia was nosy, the type of neighbor who stood out on her balcony and kept an eye on what everyone else was doing.  Sarah and her daughter referred to Sylvia as being “the neighborhood watch” and they would go out of their way to avoid talking to Sylvia.  I think the film means for us to sympathize with Sarah but, seeing as how we only see Sylvia being polite and friendly to Sarah, it’s a bit difficult to really be on Sarah’s side.  If anything, in this case, Sarah seems like the bad and judgmental neighbor.  Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, though.  Someone breaks into Sylvia’s house and strangles her.  And Sarah comes to suspect that the culprit might have been …. JACK!

This Lifetime movie had a fairly interesting mystery.  I will admit that I figured out what was going on long before Sarah did but then again, I’ve probably watched a lot more Lifetime films than she has.  The best thing about the film is that everyone lived in an extremely big house.  It’s always nice to see that the Lifetime tradition of huge suburban houses is still alive.  I also liked the fact that Sarah had enough money that she could deal with her grief by painting for six months.  There’s no tragedy so great that it can’t lead to more leisure time.

That said, Sarah was not a particularly likable protagonist.  I think if the film had been set a year after her husband’s death, as opposed to just six months, I probably would have had more sympathy for both her and her daughter.  As it was, it seemed like Sarah’s daughter was trying to force her mom to move on too quickly and it also seemed like Sarah was constantly allowing herself to be pushed into a situation for which she wasn’t emotionally ready.  Jamie-Lynne Sigler’s character was actually far more interesting than Sarah’s.  Maybe Sigler and Teri Polo should have switched roles.  There’s no way Sigler would have allowed herself to be guilted into speed dating.

Oh well.  It may not have been a perfect film but at least the houses were lovely to look at.

 

The Adventures Of A History Nerd: Candidates ’76


President Milton Shapp.

That sounds strange, doesn’t it?  There’s never been a President named Milton Shapp.  The name itself doesn’t exactly sound all the Presidential.  A president named Milton?  At one time, Milton brought to mind Paradise Lost.  Today, for many people, Milton might bring to mind Stephen Root protectively holding his red stapler in Office Space.  It’s not a name that we associate with presidents.

And yet, in 1976, Milton Shapp was one of the many people who ran an at least semi-serious campaign for presidency.  He was the governor of Pennsylvania, having first been elected in 1970 and narrowly re-elected in 1974.  He was the owner of an electronics company, a self-made millionaire.  He played the violin.  He wrote poetry.  He was the author of several musicals that had never actually been produced.  He ran for the Democratic Presidential nomination and, as you can probably guess, he didn’t get far.  If he had been elected, he would have been the country’s first Jewish President.

Of course, he wasn’t elected President.  If he had been elected, it’s doubtful that he would have been any better than Jimmy Carter.  But he would be remembered.  Milton Shapp would be the one with the books written about his life and Jimmy Carter would be the one reduced to being an obscure footnote in someone else’s story.

Unfortunately for Milton Shapp and the majority of the other people who ran for President in 1976, people don’t remember the also-rans.  They remember the candidates who won their party’s nominations.  To me, that’s a shame.  Sometimes, the also-rans are far more intriguing than the people who won.  In 1976, the first election after America’s only presidential resignation, over 20 candidates either ran or considered running for the White House.  Arizona’s Mo Udall was a one-eyed Mormon who was also a former basketball player.  North Carolina’s Terry Sanford was the President of Duke University.  Oklahoma’s Fred Harris traveled across the country in a RV and stayed in the homes of his supporters.  Indiana’s Birch Bayh and Idaho’s Frank Church were respected technocrats.  Maryland’s Sargent Shriver was a Kennedy brother-in-law.  Texas’s Lloyd Bentsen was a protegee of Lyndon B. Johnson and once called for nuking North Korea.  Washington’s Henry “Scoop”  Jackson was the original front runner who was still referred to be his childhood nickname despite being in his 50s.  Alabama’s George Wallace campaigned from his wheelchair.  At one point, every candidate had a shot at breaking through but only a few made it to the Convention.  How different would America be if Mo Udall or Lloyd Bentsen or Milton Shapp had won in 1976?

If you’re wondering how I know about all of these folks, it’s because I recently ordered a copy of Candidates ’76, a collection of candidate profiles that was put together by Congressional Quarterly.  Along with taking a look at their positions on the issues of the day, it also details their individual backgrounds and assesses their prospects.  Because Candidates ’76 was written in 1976, there’s no benefit of hindsight here.  Instead, it’s an honest historical document, one that was written at a time when no one was sure what the post-Watergate political scene would eventually look like.  For a history nerd like me, it’s the type of thing that is fascinating to read.

For the record, the following candidates and potential candidates are profiled in Candidates ’76.  Candidates with an asterisk by their name actually ended up on the primary ballot in 1976.

Republicans:

  1. Gerald Ford*
  2. Ronald Reagan*
  3. Nelson Rockefeller
  4. John B. Connally
  5. Howard Baker
  6. Charles Percy
  7. Charles Mathias
  8. Elliot Richardson
  9. Donald Rumsfeld
  10. George H.W. Bush

Democrats:

  1. Birch Bayh*
  2. Lloyd Bentsen*
  3. James “Jimmy” Carter*
  4. Frank Church*
  5. Fred Harris*
  6. Hubert Humphrey
  7. Henry Jackson*
  8. Edward M. Kennedy
  9. Edmund Muskie
  10. Terry Sanford*
  11. Milton Shapp*
  12. R. Sargent Shriver*
  13. Morris L. “Mo” Udall*
  14. George C. Wallace*
  15. George McGovern
  16. Jerry Brown*
  17. Hugh Carey

Independent;

  1. Eugene McCarthy*

(As far as I can tell, the only candidate that CQ missed was Robert Byrd, who ran as a favorite son in West Virginia.  Future Vice President Walter Mondale also ran briefly for President but ended his campaign before Candidates ’76 was put together.)

One of the great things about being a history nerd is that I can find a lot of happiness in reading something like Candidates ’76 and playing the “What If?” game.  At a time when misinformation is everywhere and when historical revisionism has been normalized, it’s nice to be able to go back and look at an original document.  It’s the next best thing to having a time machine.

Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell: The New Class 2.7 “The People’s Choice”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00.  The show is currently on Prime.

This week, Screech becomes a crusading editor.

Episode 2.7 “The People’s Choice”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 1st, 1994)

Feeling underappreciated at the high school, Screech asks to be made faculty advisor of the school paper.  With a staff made up of the Gang, Screech rejuvenates the paper.  Soon, he is directing an investigation into why there’s no money in the school’s athletic budget for the girl’s swim team to go to state.  Could it be because the misogynistic football coach (Brian Reddy) is a embezzling the money so the football team can go on a trip?

Unfortunately, everyone gets so involved in pursuing the story that they neglect their studies and they skip Mr. Belding’s college entrance exam review session!  Honestly, college entrance exams are incredibly easy and anyone who needs a review session to do well on them wasn’t going to get into a decent college anyways.  Seriously,  just blow all that off and go to a party school like I did.  GO MEAN GREEN!

Anyway, Screech realizes the error of his ways and puts the newspaper staff through a grueling review session.  Everyone does well on their exam.  And Screech disguises himself as an old man and tricks the coach into confessing his embezzlement!  The coach presumably works with Screech every day so how did he fall for a wig and a fake mustache?  Seriously, what is the deal with this show and disguises?

Despite the rather stupid plot, this episode wasn’t that bad.  Dustin Diamond actually gave a fairly believable performance as Screech and the ensemble had a good chemistry.  I’ll admit that I laughed at Tommy D’s attempts to be a food critic.  I bet we never hear about the newspaper again.

 

 

The Films of 2026: Citizen Vigilante (dir by Uwe Boll)


In Citizen Vigilante, Armie Hammer returns to the screen as Sanders, a former American military operative who is now living in an unnamed European country.  The people in the country are terrified because the country has been flooded with violent refugees and the liberal judges and the ineffective police and the corrupt government can’t or won’t keep anyone safe.  Sanders makes it his mission to mete out justice.

When he sees a group of arrogant young people refusing to pay to ride the bus, he pays for their ticket and then shows their leader that he has a gun.  He explains how one person refusing to pay leads to everyone else having to pay more.

When he visits with a prostitute, he is disgusted to see that the building she works in has mold.  Sanders is especially upset because his company owns the building.  Sanders say that people have to start doing the right thing.  Then he pays a woman for sex.

When a judge allows a group of rapists to go free because they’re struggling to “integrate into society,” Sanders drugs the judge and slits his wrists.

Sanders goes to the office of his father’s company and orders the any of his tenants who aren’t paying their rent should be immediately evicted.  It’s explained that the government won’t allow Sanders to immediately evict anyone.  In fact, the government wants Sanders to hand over his open units so that they can be used to house migrants.  Sanders says that he’ll talk to the tenants himself.  Uh-oh.

When the cops come looking for Sanders, he blows them up.

Sanders kills an innocent motorist in order to make a point about how people are scared to break the law.  Wait, what?  This is our hero?

Sanders kills a lot of people.  He’s the Citizen Vigilante.  He sends out distorted videos of himself in which he rambles about Nietzsche and justice.  The fact that he sends out visually distorted videos would seem to suggest that he’s trying to hide his identity but he also spends almost the entire film wearing the exact same outfit and making no attempt to disguise his appearance while out in public.  Interpol is determined to catch him but the average citizen, the people being victimized by “woke liberalism” (to quote Sanders), love him.

Lord help us.  It’s 2026 and otherwise reasonable people are currently debating the merits of a Uwe Boll film.  For all the talk about how this film is politically incorrect and right-wing, it’s really not that much different from Boll’s Assault on Wall Street.  Both Assault on Wall Street and Citizen Vigilante are crude, heavy-handed films that capture the fantasies of people who currently feel powerless.  Assault on Wall Street was designed to appeal to the Resistance morons, the same people who would later insist that Luigi Mangione’s vapid manifesto was a call for revolution.  Citizen Vigilante is designed to appeal to the most simple-minded of the populists.  Running through both Citizen Vigilante and Assault on Wall Street is a contempt for anything that reeks of “the system.”  Both films are fueled less by politics and more by paranoia.  Germany made the mistake of banning Citizen Vigilante, which just added more fuel to a fire that would have otherwise burned itself out.

Citizen Vigilante opens with a scene of shocking violence.  It’s one of the more effective moments in the film, largely because it captures the randomness of modern crime.  It’s also one of the few scenes not to feature Armie Hammer.  One can make the argument that Armie Hammer was treated unfairly when he was canceled.  (I mean, there are people out there who still think that Hammer is a cannibal!)  Before his career collapsed, Hammer was a busy actor.  His piercing eyes and his deep voice made him ideal for both heroes and villains.  Citizen Vigilante has been touted as Hammer’s comeback, or at least it was until it was actually released.  Hammer wanders through the film in almost zombie-like trance, refusing to show a hint of emotion.  Every time he speaks, the deepness of his voice only reminds of how shallow the character (and the film) really is.  The film works best when its lead character and actor are nowhere to be seen.

Citizen Vigilante is crude.  Is it effective?  Occasionally.  Like most revenge films, it gets at the type of primal thoughts that a lot of people pretend not to have.  That said, Uwe Boll is not a good director.  Uwe Boll is an interesting media presence.  I respect the fact that, when he challenged his critics to a boxing match, he actually followed through and knocked most of them out.  I imagine there are many directors who are envious of that.  But, as a filmmaker, Boll has never shown much skill or concern when its come to concepts like pacing, continuity, or getting the best out of his actors.  Citizen Vigilante is a slow film that’s built around a character who registers as a big blank.  It’s neither as dangerous nor as revolutionary as you may have heard.  In the end, it’s just another film about people getting shot, blown up, and stabbed.  I imagine that some scenes will achieve a second life on YouTube.  That’s just the way of the world nowadays.  But the film itself will be forgotten in a few months.

Wow.  I just watched and reviewed a Uwe Boll film.  I should get hazard pay.