Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 1.5 “Song of the Wild West”

Posted on November 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark go country!

Episode 1.5 “Song of the Wild West”

(Dir by Victor French, originally aired on October 17th, 1984)

This week’s episode of Highway to Heaven has a country music theme as Mark’s car ends up breaking down outside of a country-western bar.

I have to admit that I had mixed feelings about this theme. Quite frankly, country music is not my type of music. As I’ve explained in the past, my musical tastes run the gamut from EDM to more EDM. Country music has just never really done much for me, though I’ve done a line dance or two.

That said, I grew up all over the Southwest. I live in Texas. I’m a city girl but I knw what it’s like to walk through the high grass on a humid day. I know what it’s like to be woken up at sunrise by the sound of a rooster. I’ve ridden horses. I once milked a cow but I really didn’t enjoy it at all. I know the country and I like the people who live out in the country and, though I’m meant to live in a city, I still feel a bit of nostalgia whenever I see a farmhouse or a muddy pickup truck. This episode did have a legitimate country feel, which I appreciated.

Jonathan actually had a handful of missions in this episode. First off, he had to help Trudy Swenson (Joan Kjar) win the bar back from Nick Claybourne (Clifton James), the blowhard who won the bar in a rigged poker game from Trudy’s husband. Secondly, he had to help gas station owner Tim Higgins (Jerry Hardin) come to terms with the musical ambitions of his teenage daughter, Sara (Michele Greene). And finally, he had to help Sara reunite with her mother, an alcoholic country music star named Pasty Maynard (Ronee Blakely). And he had to do all this while also working as a bartender at the bar. Not only did Jonathan have to solve everyone’s emotional problems but he had to convince the local drunk to drink a cup of coffee as opposed to ordering another shot.

Mark doesn’t do much this week and I assume that’s because Victor French also directed the episode. As a result, everything pretty much falls on Jonathan and it almost feels as if he’s been given too much to do. Throughout the episode, he’s rushing back and forth between Tim, Trudy, and Patsy. Add to that the fact that the action stops for a minutes at a time so that Patsy and Sara can perform and you end up with an episode that feels a bit overstuffed.

This episode didn’t really work for me. I could appreciate the fact that the episode did a good job capturing the country milieu but country music just doesn’t do much for me. And this episode had a lot of country music.

Retro Television Review: Jennifer Slept Here 1.5 “Calendar Girl”

Posted on November 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Jennifer Slept Here, which aired on NBC in 1983 and 1984. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we are reminded that Joey has the worst father in the world.

Episode 1.5 “Calendar Girl”

(Dir by John Bowab, originally aired on November 18th, 1983)

So far, the episodes of Jennifer Slept Her that I’ve watched have focused on Jennifer’s friendship with Joey, the teenager who is the only person who can see her. Joey’s family has remained largely in the background, occasionally wondering why Joey is talking to himself.

This week’s episode serves to remind the viewer (and I’m going to use the singular for viewer here because I’m probably the only person in the world binging this show in 2023) that Joey’s father, George (played by Fiona Apple’s father, Brandon Maggart), is the worst person in the world.

George was Jennifer’s attorney when she was alive. Apparently, even when Jennifer was living and paying his salary, George didn’t think much of her. Starting with the very first episode, George has frequently described Jennifer as being a “tramp.” In the second episode, George was happy to allow an exploitive biopic of Jennifer to be filmed in his house, which used to be Jennifer’s house. Seriously, the fact that George hated Jennifer but then moved right into her mansion after she died tells us all we need to know about him. The show keeps trying to portray George as just being a typical bumbling sitcom Dad but, just judging from his actions, George is the devil.

This week’s episode finds George in a foul mood because the IRS is demanding that Jennifer’s back taxes be paid off. George decides to auction off a lot of Jennifer’s former possessions, including the stuff in the attic. Jennifer doesn’t have any problem with George selling her movie memorabilia but, as she tells Joey, the stuff in the attic is “personal.” Joey is torn because George has offered to give him a percentage of the auction’s profits if Joey finds stuff that they can sell. Joey really wants to go to Cancun for Spring Break but he needs $600.

Joey does go up to the attic but he promises not to put anything up for auction without Jennifer’s permission. When Joey finds a nude calendar featuring Jennifer amongst her possessions, Jennifer explains that it was something she did when she was a struggling actress and she would prefer the world not know about it. Joey agrees not to give the calendar to his Dad but George stumbles across it anyway and immediately starts yelling about how much money he’s going to make off of it.

Again, George is the worst human being on the planet.

Joey tells his father that “maybe we shouldn’t sell it.” George and Joey’s mother (played by Georgia Engel, who delivered her lines in such a soft voice that I could barely hear them) think that Joey just wants the poster for masturbatory purposes. George explains that the nude picture of Jennifer is the most valuable thing that they have to sell. George can’t wait to sell the calendar to a publisher.

Joey apologizes to Jennifer but says he can’t go against his father. Jennifer thinks about what a wonderful career she had and how now, she’s just going to be remembered for “hanging in every muffler shop in America.” Awwwww! George, you suck!

Luckily, George is also incredibly stupid. He gives Joey the responsibility of holding onto the calendar until the day of the auction. At the auction, Joey substitutes a picture of Jennifer as a baby for the calendar. Fortunately, the picture still sells for $22,000.

In the end, George says that he’s proud of Joey for standing up for what he believes in but we all know that George still sucks.

This is one of those episodes that really only worked because of the energetic performance of Ann Jillian, who was consistently better than the material that was given to her. A lot of the jokes would have fallen very flat if not for Jillian’s delivery and comedic timing. In the end, Jennifer kept her calendar and Joey presumably went to Cancun. And George …. well, let’s hope he found a shred of human decency somewhere in the house.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.5 “My Zombie Lover”

Posted on November 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

For this week’s episode, the dead rise and …. hey, wait a minute. Horrorthon’s over! And yet, here I am reviewing another show about zombies. Oh well, let’s get to it!

Episode 1.5 “My Zombie Lover”

(Dir by David Misch, originally aired on November 19th, 1988)

It’s the night of the dead!

In a small town, the dead rise once a year and feast on the flesh of the living. No one is sure why this happens. As one person explains it, some people think that it’s a gypsy curse and some people think that it’s due to radiation and others think that it’s just the result of poor embalming techniques. But every year, for one night, families in the town head out with their guns and they spend a few hours killing zombies.

Dottie (Tempestt Bledsoe) is home, visiting from college. She doesn’t want to go out and hunt zombies. Nor does she want to go see her old high school acquaintances. She just wants to stay on the couch while Dad (Ed Wheeler), Mom (Marcella Lowery, the terrible principal from City Guys), and her younger brother, Brad (Eugene Byrd), head outside. Dad can’t wait to kill some zombies. Brad, meanwhile, thinks that the zombies should be left alone and is carrying a protest sign.

After her family boards up the house and then leaves, Dottie is surprised to hear a knock at the door. She answers the door and finds Paul Nichols (Steve Harper) standing outside with some flowers. Paul was in Dottie’s French class but he died before he could graduate from high school. Now, he’s back in zombie form and he just wants Dottie to know that he always had a crush on her. Soon, Paul and Dottie are talking about old times. Unfortunately, Paul cannot resist the temptation to bite Dottie’s hand but Dottie forgives him.

Suddenly, Dad, Mom, and Brad return. Dad takes one look at Paul and aims his rifle. Shouting that she loves Paul, Dottie jumps in front of her zombie boyfriend and is killed by the bullet that was meant for him. However, since this is the night of the dead, Dottie immediately returns in zombie form. She and Paul are both hungry and they ask if there’s any meat in the house. Dad and Mom think for a moment and then they both look down at Brad and share a smile.

In other words, Brad was the only person in town who cared about the zombies and now, he’s going to be eaten.

I appreciated this episode’s rather macabre sense of humor and I especially liked the way Dad ran through all the possible reasons for the zombies returning. (They are all reasons that have been suggested in various Romero zombie films.) Unfortunately, a few too many of the jokes fell flat for this episode to really be considered a total success. Tempestt Bledsoe, in particular, seemed to be confused by the episode’s grotesque humor, giving a performance that never quite found the right balance between sincerity and humor. That said, I did like Steve Harper’s performance as the saddest zombie in the world. He only gets to eat once a year but, rather than do that, he just wants to let Dottie know that he liked her. Awwwwww!

Despite some tonal inconsistences, this was an entertaining episode, one that I appreciated as a fan of zombie films.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.14 “The Stimulation of Stephanie/Life Begins at 40/The Next Step”

Posted on November 1, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard! They’re expecting you!

Episode 3.14 “The Stimulation of Stephanie/Life Begins at 40/The Next Step”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

After being unexplainably absent last week, Vicki returns this week and is once again somehow a member of the Love Boat crew, despite only being 12. Nobody asks where she was last week and certainly, no one asks her how she’s doing in school. In fact, not only the crew but also the passengers seem to be totally accepting of the idea of a 12 year-old working as the assistant to the cruise director. I guess the 70s were a different time.

If I seem to be harping on the strangeness of Vicki living on the boat, that’s because this week’s episode really isn’t that interesting. This week’s episode is a fairly bland one. It’s so bland that it really leaves you with no choice but wonder about the logistics of how the boat works. And really, that’s something that should never happen when you’re watching a show like The Love Boat. If you’re worrying about real-life questions while watching a show like this, it means that you’re watching an episode that just isn’t working. The Love Boat, like Fantasy Island, should be an escape from reality and not an excuse to wonder about how it all works.

As usual, we’ve got three storylines to deal with. Jo Anne Worley plays Dottie Anderson, who is 39 years old and still unmarried. She’s booked herself in the honeymoon suite because she is determined that she is going to meet a man and get married over the course of the cruise. Julie assures Dottie that there’s nothing wrong with being single when you’re 4o, which is easy for Julie to say because someone asks her to get married during almost every cruise. Anyway, Dottie flirts with a lot of men and ultimately, she comes to realize that Julie was right. She embraces being single and leaves the boat happy. Yay! This storyline didn’t add up too much but at least Jo Anne Worley knew how to deliver a joke.

Meanwhile, pro football player Virgil Plummer (Roosevelt Grier) is upset because he’s about to retire from the game that he loves and he doesn’t know what the future holds for him. With the help of his wife (Melba Moore) and Isaac, Virgil realizing that he can pursue a career as a cook. Personally, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t just retire and live off the millions he made as a football player. Or maybe he could become a coach or one of those “fight for every inch” motivational speakers. Grier and Moore had a likable chemistry (even if it did feel more like a close friend chemistry as opposed to a married chemistry) but again, this storyline just didn’t add up too much.

Finally, sex research Norman Bridges (Dick Martin) and his assistant, Stephanie Champman (Char Fontane) board the boat. Bridges wants to research the roots of sexual simulation. Stephanie is in love with Bridges, though you have to wonder why because he’s kind of a boring jerk. Still, when Norman thinks that Doc Bricker is trying to seduce Stephanie, Norman goes down to Bricker’s cabin and punches him. Unfortunately, Norman wasn’t wearing his glasses and didn’t initially realize that the woman in Doc’s cabin was not Stephanie but was instead a passenger named Lena (Judy Landers). Eventually, Norman does figure out that Stephanie loves him and they leave the boat together. Somehow, Norman got away with assaulting the ship’s doctor. This storyline was just dumb. No one in their right mind would fall in love with someone as clueless and self-absorbed as Norman.

This was a less-than-satisfactory cruise. But that’s what happens when you break child labor laws.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Gun 1.5 “The Hole”

Posted on October 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Gun, an anthology series that ran on ABC for six week in 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the gun ends up at the bottom of a swimmin’ hole!

Episode 1.5 “The Hole”

(Dir by Ted Demme, originally aired on May 24th, 1997)

Yep, this episode of Gun centers around an old country swimming hole. Every day, teenage Sondra (Kirsten Dunst) and her younger brothers, Brendan (Drake Bell) and Tad (Joe Pichler), head down to the Hole. For Sondra, swimming in the Hole is a chance to escape from her life of living in a trailer park with her trashy mother (Carrie Fisher) and her pervy stepfather (Cliff Bemis). For Brendan and Tad, going to the Hole is a chance to look for the treasure that they are convinced is at the bottom of the water. It is true that there is something shiny in the Hole. Sondra thinks that it might be the diamonds that she could use to finance an escape from the trailer park and a one-way trip down to Florida. Actually, it’s the pearl-handled gun that’s been at the center of every episode of Gun.

(In this episode, it’s suggested that the gun has been at the bottom of the hole for over a year. So, how did it end up in that town in the first place? Is this episode taking place before or after the previous episodes? I guess the simple solution is that it’s not the same gun as the gun seen in the previous episodes but the part of me that loves continuity is having a hard time accepting that.)

The gun belonged to James Munday (Johnny Whitworth), who has only recently been released from prison. He was convicted of murdering his girlfriend and only the fact that he was a minor at the time kept him from being given a life sentence. James claims that his girlfriend died as a part of a failed suicide pact and he’s convinced that the gun in the Hole can prove his innocence.

When James and Sondra meet, it doesn’t take long for them to fall for each other. Sondra remains James of his dead girlfriend and Sondra, like of all of us, is attracted to brooding rebels. However, when the rest of the town hears that James has been going to the Hole, a lynch mob is formed. Dick Sproule (Max Gail), the father of the girl that James was convicted of killing, is soon at the Hole with a rifle in his hands. Can James prove his innocence and will the town even care?

This episode was extremely overwrought and it featured every flaw that tends to turn me off of anthology shows in general. All of the characters were broadly drawn. The dialogue was way overwritten. Director Ted Demme told the story with a heavy-hand and used slow motion as if he was under the impression that he was the first director to ever consider heightening the drama by slowing things down. The whole thing just felt like a bad creative writing assignment. Out of the cast, only Kirsten Dunst was able to really create a character who felt as if she had a life outside of the demands of the story. Everyone else seemed to be a caricature. In the end, James may have been a hot, brooding rebel but he was also kind of whiny. That got old pretty quickly.

*Sigh* Well, that’s another disappointing episode of Gun for you! Next week, I’ll be reviewing the series finale. Hopefully, this show will at least end on a worthwhile note.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

Posted on October 31, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island is invaded by jungle men and ventriloquists!

Episode 3.21 “Jungle Man/Mary Ann and Miss Sophisticate”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on March 8th, 1980)

For years, David Farley (Dennis Cole) starred as Jungle Man on television. When the show was canceled, David made a living by doing public appearances as Jungle Man but then the producers of the show filed a lawsuit. As a result, David is no longer allowed to ever dress up in a loin cloth. David comes to Fantasy Island, hoping for one last chance to be Jungle Man.

(This fantasy, by the way, had its roots in what happened to the original Lone Ranger, Clayton Moore. Moore was told that he could no longer wear the mask in public because a new Lone Ranger movie was coming out. The producers also took Moore to court. Moore reacts by ditching the mask and wearing wrap-around sunglasses instead.)

Mr. Roarke explains to David that his fantasy will make Jungle Man a reality. There will be no stunt doubles and the bad guys might not be as easy to defeat as on television. David says he doesn’t care. He finds himself again in the jungle, transformed into Jungle Man! He also discovers that all of his friends are upset with him because they haven’t seen him for two years. They think that Jungle Man just abandoned them and, of course, Jungle Man can’t explain that the show was canceled.

In Jungle Man’s absence, Queen Mara (France Nuyen) has agreed to surrender the jungle to the evil hunter, Derrick Haskell (Dick Butkus, who between Half-Nelson, Hang Time, and this show, is becoming a bit of a regular on this site). Can Jungle Man prevent Mara from signing over her land? And can he save Rima (Barbara Luna), the woman he loves? And, even more importantly, can he convince Roarke to to let him live forever in the jungle?

Of course, he can. This was a bit of silly fantasy but it still worked because of how earnest Dennis Cole was in the role of Jungle Man. Plus, I enjoyed that life in the jungle had continued even after the Jungle Man television show was canceled. It captured the way that a lot of us feel when our favorite TV show is cancelled and we wonder what happened to all the characters after the finale.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird and creepy and surprisingly dark. Annette Funicello played Mary Ann Carlin (Annette Funicello), a world famous ventriloquist. Mary Ann is worried that she can no longer tell where her personality ends and where the personality of her dummy, Valerie, begins. Is there anything creepier than a ventriloquist with a personality conflict?

Mary Ann’s fantasy is to separate her personality from Valerie’s for a weekend so that she can decide what to do with her career. (This sounds like something that would be better handled by a therapist than a resort owner but whatever.) Mr. Roarke’s solution is to turn Valerie into a living human being. Unfortunately, it turns out that Valerie has a man streak and she not only seduces Mary Ann’s boyfriend (Don Galloway) but she also gives a surreal performance in which, somehow, Mary Ann is transformed into the dummy.

Fortunately for Mary Ann. everything works out. She finally snaps out of whatever spell she was under and she tossed Valerie, who is now suddenly a doll once again, in a fire. Mary Ann and her boyfriend leave the Island, planning on getting married and settling down. Apparently, Mary Ann doesn’t have a problem with the fact that her boyfriend had sex with a ventriloquist’s dummy but I still imagine that it’s something she’ll bring up whenever they have a disagreement about something. “You think I’m spending too much money!? Remember that time you screwed a block of wood?”

It really doesn’t make much sense at all but it’s so surreal and weird that it’s fun to watch. This fantasy was the Island at its most nightmarish and certainly, that makes it an appropriate fantasy to close out October with!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Nightmare Café 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Nightmare Café, which ran on NBC from January to April of 1992. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, the café goes country!

Episode 1.5 “Sanctuary For A Child”

(Dir by Armand Mastroianni, originally aired on March 27th, 1992)

On tonight’s episode of Nightmare Café, we learn a few things about the café. Apparently, the café is not just located in Los Angeles. It can materialize anywhere on the planet but it apparently does so on its own. Though Blackie (played by Robert Englund) claims to be the proprietor of the café, this episode suggests that he actually has no control over it. While Blackie apparently does know why the Nightmare Café does the things that it does, it would appear that the café still has a mind of its own. It decides where it is going and it decides when it is time to leave.

This episode, for instance, begins with the Nightmare Café materializing on a street in a small, country town. Soon after it materializes, both Frank and Fay also materialize inside the café. I’ve often wondered where Frank and Fay go whenever the café is closed for business. Frank and Fay, after all, are essentially ghosts. Do they need to eat or sleep? This episode suggests that they do, as Fay complains about having to get up early because “the café” has decided to open up the crack of dawn.

Soon enough, a young boy named Luke Wall (Brandon Quintin Adams) comes walking into the café. He and Frank immediately bond, with Frank realizing that Luke is trying to run away from home. What Frank discovers upon following Luke out of the café is that Luke’s home is in a hospital. Luke is in a coma and has been for quite some time. Frank also discovers that the café has materialized in his home town, the place that he left when he joined the Navy and to which he thought he would never return. Luke is the son of Frank’s former best friend, Tom (Vondie Curtis-Hall), and his ex-girlfriend, Evelyn (Angela Bassett). Frank explains to Fay that Evelyn was the love of his life but his racist father demanded that they break up. That was one of the main reasons why Frank left town and has never returned.

So, the Nightmare Cafe wants two things to happen. It wants Tom and Evelyn to make peace with Luke’s impending death and also with each other. And it wants Frank to deal with his past and his feelings towards his late father.

And that’s exactly what happens. It’s a sweet episode, even if it’s a bit predictable and heavy-handed enough to end with “The Living Years” playing on the soundtrack. In many ways, this felt more like an episode of Highway to Heaven than an episode of Nightmare Café but, as was so often the case with this show, the strong performances of the cast carried the narrative over any rough spots. In the end, Frank made his peace with the past, Luke moved on to the afterlife, and the Nightmare Café moved on to a new town.

Next week: the final episode of Nightmare Café!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.8 “No Exit”

Posted on October 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Bruce Willis comes to Miami!

Episode 1.8 “No Exit”

(Dir by David Soul, originally aired on November 9th, 1984)

Tony Amato is a complete monster.

He’s an arms dealer, one who is responsible for machine guns showing up all over Miami. When he’s not selling guns to drug dealers, he’s plotting to sell rocket launchers to terrorists. He’s a crude and a violent man who has suddenly gotten very wealthy and who likes to show off his money. He lives in a pink, art deco mansion. He has a beautiful wife named Rita (Katherine Borowitz), who he regularly abuses. Miami Vice wants to arrest him to get the guns off the street. The federal government wants to arrest him so that they can get their rocket launchers back. And Rita …. well, Rita just wants to hire someone to kill him.

Tony Amato is a memorable character because of just how thoroughly evil he actually is. He’s a criminal because he enjoys it and it doesn’t bother him that his weapons can lead to innocent people dying. Tony is also memorable because he’s played by Bruce Willis. This was Willis’s first credited acting role. (He had appeared as an extra in a few movies before this.) Willis got the role on the recommendation of Don Johnson, who remembered Bruce as being the bartender at one of his favorite New York bars. Though there’s not a lot of depth to the role, Willis does get to show off the cocky confidence that would later become his trademark.

As for the episode, it’s dark even by the standards of Miami Vice. The episode opens with a violent chase and gunfight in the streets of Miami and it ends, just as the previous episode did, with an abused spouse probably throwing their life away to get revenge. We watch as Tubbs, Crockett, and Lester (Julio Oscar Mechesco) sneak into Tony’s mansion and manage to bug the place before Tony returns home. They set up their survelliance operation on Crockett’s boat. Of course, things pretty much fall apart as soon as the federal agents show up and demand to be allowed to oversee the operation.

While the Miami cops and the federal agents fight over jurisdiction, Crockett tries to help Rita escape from her husband. He approaches her while she’s waiting to meet with a hitman and convinces her to let the cops handle it. He promises her that he will put Tony away, even though he knows nothing is ever that simple. Both Katherine Borowitz and Don Johnson do a good job in their scenes together. Deep down, Crockett knows that he’s giving Rita false hope but he can’t bring himself to admit it.

Tubbs, once again, gets to break out his Jamaican accent as he goes undercover as a terrorist who is in the market for Tony’s rocket launchers. Through Tubbs’s hard work, Tony is arrested but, on the steps of the courthouse, two new government agents demand that Tony be released because they’ve determined him to be a potential asset in their own Central American operations. Tony smirks as his handcuffs are removed. Rita appears on the steps, demanding to know why Tony is being set free. She pulls a gun from her purse. We got a freeze frame of Sonny shouting, “NO!” as a gunshot echoes on the soundtrack. Tony may be dead (and we never specifically see whether Rita’s aim was true or not) but his guns are still on the streets, the people he sold to are still free, and the only person going to prison is going to be an abused wife.

Like I said, this was a dark episode. This is one of those episodes that left the viewer to wonder why Cockett and Tubbs even bothered to make the effort. In the end, all their hard work added up to nothing. For Crockett, the case became about saving Rita but the government was more concerned about their own shady schemes that protecting its citizens. Of course, even if Tony had been sent to prison, someone else would have taken his place. That’s life in Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.7 “Best Laid Plans”

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there!

Episode 1.7 “Best Laid Plan”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on March 1st, 1987)

This week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High is cringe city. I mean that in a good way. Seriously, Degrassi Junior High may be close to 40 years old but awkwardness about sex, especially when you’re still trying to figure out what it’s all about, is a timeless subject.

Stephanie (Nicole Stoffman) has had a crush on Wheels (Neil Hope) since the series began but their one date ended in disaster when Stephanie had too much to drink beforehand. Still, she finally works up the courage to ask Wheels if he wants to do something on Friday night and Wheels says yes! Yay!

Voula (Niki Kemeny), who is absolutely one of the worst characters in the history of Degrassi, pops up to once again whine about Stephanie not thanking her when she won the school presidency and to accuse Stephanie of being sleazy just because she doesn’t dress like a member of polygamous cult. SHUT UP, VOULA! Your father won’t even let you stay out past 9:00.

Stephanie gets even more excited when her mother (Pat Beaven) tells Stephanie that she has a date on Friday and she’ll be out of the house. Stephanie drops Wheels a note asking him to come to her house at 7:30. Soon, everyone is school is talking about how Stephanie and Wheels are definitely going to do it on their date. When the creepy twins ask Stephanie if she’s really going to have sex with Wheels, Stephanie shrugs in the fashion of someone trying to be more worldly than she actually is.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is still refusing to admit that Arthur (Duncan Waugh) is her brother. This annoys Arthur but at least his best friend Yick Yu (Siluck Saysanasy) has managed to get his hands on a VHS copy of Swamp Sex Robots. Yick wants to watch it but, this being the 80s, the only way to watch it would be to pop it in the living room VCR and his parents are always at home. Wait a minute! Arthur has a VCR and both his mother and his sister have dates!

Wheels, feeling insecure about sex, talks to his father (Timm Zemanek). (Of course, true Degrassi fans know that Wheels is actually adopted and his real father is a drunk living on the other side of Canada but it’ll be a while until we reach that storyline.) His father tells Wheels that it’s important to use protection so Wheels heads down to the local drug store and purchases some condoms. The pharmacist is concerned that someone as young as Wheels needs condoms and she gives him a bunch of sex safe pamphlets. What Wheels doesn’t know is that the pharmacist is also …. STEPHANIE’S MOTHER!

OH MY GOD! Seriously, cringe!

It’s Friday night! After embarrassing Stephanie and Arthur by giving them safe sex pamphlets at the dinner table, Stephanie’s mom is waiting for her date. Stephanie is trying to get ready for Wheels without her mom seeing the slutty outfit that she’s wearing. And Arthur wants everyone to get out of the house before Yick and his gang of pervs show up to watch Swamp Sex Robots. Stephanie’s mom’s date arrives on time. Unfortunately, Wheels shows up early and, when Stephanie’s mom opens the door, both dates are standing on the porch, holding flowers.

“You’re the boy from the pharmacy!” Stephanie’s mom says before yelling at Stephanie to come downstairs.

Stephanie’s hasty attempt to toss on a bathrobe as she comes downstairs doesn’t fool her mother. After seeing how her daughter usually dresses outside of the house, Stephanie’s mom sends her date home and then yanks Wheels into the house so that she can give both Stephanie and Wheels a lecture about being too young for sex. Unfortunately, before she can really get into that lecture, Yick and his friends show up wanting to watch their porn….

Seriously, this was a great episode and it represented everything that made Degrassi special. It was honest but it was funny and it had me cringing as I had flashbacks to my own days of wannabe wild youth. Like last week’s episode, Best Laid Plans (great title) proved to be too controversial for the UK and the BBC declined to air the episode.

Seriously, Degrassi goes there!

Retro Television Reviews: Return To Cabin By The Lake (dir by Po-Chih Leong)

Posted on October 29, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 2001’s Return To Cabin By The Lake! It can be viewed on YouTube.

Stanley Caldwell (Judd Nelson) is back!

At the end of Cabin By The Lake, screenwriter Stanley had managed to escape from the police by faking his own drowning. Return to Cabin By The Lake finds Stanley using a variety of disguises and fake identities in his effort to once again become a part of the film industry. He is particularly interested in the fact that his previous murder spree is being turned into a movie. He’s considerably less happy about the fact that everyone involved in the movie continually disparages his work as a screenwriter. He’s even less happy when he hears them speculating that there was a sexual-motive behind Stanley’s murders or that Stanley was acting out against his mother. For someone who spent the previous movie drowning innocent women and then visiting their bodies in the lake, Stanley sure does seem to be shocked to discover that most people don’t have a high opinion of him. You’re a murderer, Stanley. People don’t like murderers.

Anyway, as a master of disguise, Stanley is able to work his way into the production of the film. Even though everyone on the set is spending 24 hours a day obsessing on and recreating the crimes of Stanley, no one is suspicious of the guy who looks just like Stanley and who keeps saying stuff like, “Stanley would never do that!” Stanley becomes obsessed with script writer Andrea (Dahlia Salem). He also comes to resent the film’s shallow director, Mike Helton (Brian Krause, giving the film’s best performance). Stanley decides that he would be a better director of the film so he buries Mike alive and then takes over direction.

Return To Cabin By The Lake is a bit more deliberately humorous than the first film. If Cabin By The Lake was full of pleasant townspeople and earnest police officers, Return To Cabin By The Lake is populated with caricatures of various Hollywood phonies. Everyone involved in Return To Cabin By The Lake‘s film-within-a-film is blithely unconcerned with the feelings of the the victim’s loved ones nor do they really care about telling the story accurately. Helton’s only concern is that the script have enough sex. That Stanley not only takes over as director but turns out to be a pretty good at it would appear to be Return To Cabin By The Lake’s ultimate statement on the film industry.

Judd Nelson is a bit more energetic in the sequel than he was in the first film. That said, Return To Cabin The By The Lake makes the mistake of asking us to buy the idea of Stanley being a master of disguise. Judd Nelson is always going to look and sound like Judd Nelson, regardless of whether he’s wearing a wig or not.

Though it’s a bit constrained by being a made-for-TV movie, Return To Cabin By The Lake is a marked improvement on the first film, one that has more humor and a better performance from its lead. The film ends with an opening for another sequel but it was apparently never to be.