Sid Gould | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard! They’re expecting you!

Episode 3.14 “The Stimulation of Stephanie/Life Begins at 40/The Next Step”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 1st, 1979)

After being unexplainably absent last week, Vicki returns this week and is once again somehow a member of the Love Boat crew, despite only being 12. Nobody asks where she was last week and certainly, no one asks her how she’s doing in school. In fact, not only the crew but also the passengers seem to be totally accepting of the idea of a 12 year-old working as the assistant to the cruise director. I guess the 70s were a different time.

If I seem to be harping on the strangeness of Vicki living on the boat, that’s because this week’s episode really isn’t that interesting. This week’s episode is a fairly bland one. It’s so bland that it really leaves you with no choice but wonder about the logistics of how the boat works. And really, that’s something that should never happen when you’re watching a show like The Love Boat. If you’re worrying about real-life questions while watching a show like this, it means that you’re watching an episode that just isn’t working. The Love Boat, like Fantasy Island, should be an escape from reality and not an excuse to wonder about how it all works.

As usual, we’ve got three storylines to deal with. Jo Anne Worley plays Dottie Anderson, who is 39 years old and still unmarried. She’s booked herself in the honeymoon suite because she is determined that she is going to meet a man and get married over the course of the cruise. Julie assures Dottie that there’s nothing wrong with being single when you’re 4o, which is easy for Julie to say because someone asks her to get married during almost every cruise. Anyway, Dottie flirts with a lot of men and ultimately, she comes to realize that Julie was right. She embraces being single and leaves the boat happy. Yay! This storyline didn’t add up too much but at least Jo Anne Worley knew how to deliver a joke.

Meanwhile, pro football player Virgil Plummer (Roosevelt Grier) is upset because he’s about to retire from the game that he loves and he doesn’t know what the future holds for him. With the help of his wife (Melba Moore) and Isaac, Virgil realizing that he can pursue a career as a cook. Personally, I’m not sure why he wouldn’t just retire and live off the millions he made as a football player. Or maybe he could become a coach or one of those “fight for every inch” motivational speakers. Grier and Moore had a likable chemistry (even if it did feel more like a close friend chemistry as opposed to a married chemistry) but again, this storyline just didn’t add up too much.

Finally, sex research Norman Bridges (Dick Martin) and his assistant, Stephanie Champman (Char Fontane) board the boat. Bridges wants to research the roots of sexual simulation. Stephanie is in love with Bridges, though you have to wonder why because he’s kind of a boring jerk. Still, when Norman thinks that Doc Bricker is trying to seduce Stephanie, Norman goes down to Bricker’s cabin and punches him. Unfortunately, Norman wasn’t wearing his glasses and didn’t initially realize that the woman in Doc’s cabin was not Stephanie but was instead a passenger named Lena (Judy Landers). Eventually, Norman does figure out that Stephanie loves him and they leave the boat together. Somehow, Norman got away with assaulting the ship’s doctor. This storyline was just dumb. No one in their right mind would fall in love with someone as clueless and self-absorbed as Norman.

This was a less-than-satisfactory cruise. But that’s what happens when you break child labor laws.

This week, Captain Stubing’s in love again. Things don’t work out.

Episode 3.13 “Not Now, I’m Dying/Too Young To Love/Eleanor’s Return”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 24th, 1979)

The first thing that I noticed about this episode is that the name of guest star Jon Cypher was misspelled as “Jon Cyphers” on his intro card. I’m sure that Cypher appreciated that. Jon Cypher may never have been a household name but he appeared in several movies and a ton of television shows, usually cast as autocratic authority figures. Misspelling his name is an odd error for a guest star-driven show like The Love Boat to make.

The other thing I noticed was that Jill Whelan was not listed in the opening credits and indeed, Vicki is not in the episode. The simple explanation is that this episode was originally meant to air before Stubing adopted Vicki. Still, I did find myself wondering if maybe Captain Stubing finally realized that it was kind of weird for a 12 year-old to live on a cruise ship. Vicki living on the ship has always confused me. I mean, she’s 12 and she’s apparently now working for the cruise line. Shouldn’t she be in school? Does she have a tutor on the boat? I mean, how is any of this legal?

Captain Stubing didn’t say anything about Vicki in this episode but that’s because he was devoting most of his attention to Eleanor (Barbara Rush). Eleanor previously appeared during the second season, during which Stubing fell for her. Stubing is excited that Eleanor will be taking the cruise for a second time but, before he can ask her out, Eleanor is approached by Russell Evans (Jon ~~Cyphers~~ Cypher). Russell asks Eleanor to dance with him and Stubing can only watch helplessly as Eleanor has a whirlwind romance with Russell. Unfortunately, Russell turns out to be a bit of a cad but, by the time time Eleanor realizes this, the cruise is almost over! Stubing chastely comforts her and I did appreciate that the show didn’t have her just magically get over her broken heart and have her hook up with the Captain. At the end of the cruise, Eleanor says goodbye once again and Stubing can only hope that she’ll take a third trip on the boat.

While this is going on, Doc is excited because his friend, Lucy (Barbi Benton), has boarded the boat with her fiancé, Peter Welch (Dack Rambo). Lucy is really enthusiastic about getting married but Peter’s not sure if he wants to settle down. So, in an example of incredibly weird thinking, Peter lies and tells Lucy that he’s dying of a tropical disease and it wouldn’t be fair of him to marry her. When Lucy tells Doc the news, Doc informs Lucy that Peter’s disease doesn’t exist. In order to get back at Peter, Lucy arranges for Peter to be examined by Doc. The plan is for Doc to violate his Hippocratic oath and risk his medical license by giving Peter a false diagnosis. However, Doc discovers that Peter actually is sick. He has Lou Gehrig’s Disease. This leads to Peter and Lucy realizing that they really do love each other.

Finally, two underage kids — Terry (Timothy Patrick Murphy) and Monica (Christen Kauffmann) — board the boat under false names and check into the honeymoon cabin so that they can take their relationship to the next level. However, Monica is the daughter of one of the cruise line’s executives and, when he discovers what is going on, he orders Stubing to keep the kids apart. Since Stubing is more interested in pursuing Eleanor, he gives the job to Gopher.

Instead of just confronting the kids about lying to get the honeymoon suite and assigning them to different cabins, Gopher decided to rely on his mastery of disguise. Gopher disguises himself as both an old man and a bearded Scotsman and continually makes sure that Terry and Monica never get any time alone. Terry is annoyed but Monica is happy because she’s not sure if she actually wants to lose her virginity to a handsome and considerate guy who has enough money to afford a luxurious cabin on a cruise ship.

This episode was …. well, it was okay. It was a typical episode of The Love Boat, in that everyone was attractive and the boat looked really nice. With the exception of Eleanor’s story, this was a fairly superficial 45 minutes. That said, it was a pleasant episode even if it wasn’t particularly memorable.