Lisa Marie Review A Best Picture Nominee: Raiders of the Lost Ark (dir by Steven Spielberg)


I can hear you right now.

“Really? You’re reviewing Raiders of the Lost Ark for Horrorthon? That’s not a horror movie!”

Well, you’re right, it’s not. That said, it’s definitely a film that borrows from the genre even if it doesn’t embrace it. If you’ve got a thing about spiders, you’ll cringe when Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) has to wipe all of those tarantulas off of that guy’s shirt while they’re exploring the Peruvian temple. If you’ve got a thing about snakes, you’ll share Indiana’s reaction when the cobra hisses at him. And don’t even get me started on the justifiably famous finale. “It’s beautiful!” Belloq (Paul Freeman) shouts right before the angels turn into skeletons. A man’s eyes pop out of his head. Another one melts. Another explodes. There are plenty of scary moments in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but it’s such a thrill ride that the fear doesn’t necessarily linger the way that it would need to for Raiders to actually be considered a horror film. We’re too busy cheering on Indy and Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen) to duck behind the couch. That said, I think Raiders of the Lost Ark is still a perfect film for the Halloween month. Though it was released a little before my time, I imagine that Indiana Jones, with his hat and his bullwhip, was a popular figure when Halloween rolled around in 1981.

I rewatched Raiders of the Lost Ark on Tuesday and, as always, I found myself more than a little amazed at how well it holds up. There’s not a single wasted moment. The action scenes are still exciting. The moments of humor — that poor swordsman! — still make me laugh. There’s not a single weak performance to be found in the film’s large cast. Denholm Elliott is instantly lovable as Prof. Brody and John Rhys-Davies plays Sallah with just the right amount of gusto. Ronald Lacey and Wolf Kahler are thoroughly hissable as the Nazi villains and Paul Freeman brings just enough wit to the role of the duplicitous Belloq that you can understand why he and Indiana were once friends. Of course, the film truly belongs to Karen Allen and Harrison Ford. Karen Allen projects a toughness and an inner strength that keeps Marion from being just another damsel-in-distress. Harrison Ford was the perfect choice for Indiana Jones and he’s equally believable whether he’s running through the jungle, falling into a crypt, or teaching a class. (Indiana is so cute when he puts on his glasses!) My mom always used to say that she liked the way Indiana would smile in a semi-confused way before taking decisive action. For all the arguments about why the last two Indiana Jones movies failed, the answer is pretty simple. They forgot that an Indiana Jones movie is supposed to be about Indiana Jones, not Shia LaBeouf and certainly not some condescending Brit. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. He’s the reason we watch.

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a film that is so good that I think there’s a tendency to take it for granted. That’s why, much like with the best of the James Bond films, I think it’s important to rewatch it and re-experience just how good it is. Producer George Lucas and director Steven Spielberg sought to recreate the experience of watching the serials and the adventure films of their youth and they succeeded. Spielberg directs like a man in love with the movies and, as a result, it’s hard not to fall in love with this movie.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was, of course, a huge box office success. It was nominated for several Oscars, including Best Picture and Best Director. Harrison Ford was (unforgivably, in my opinion) not nominated for Best Actor. In the end, the Academy selected Warren Beatty over Steven Spielberg and Chariots of Fire over Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The Eric Roberts Horror Collection: Something (dir by Stephen Portland)


2019’s Something tells the story of a married couple who are still adjusting to parenthood and who have recently moved into a new home.  The Woman (Jane Rowen) is struggling with post-partum depression and the realization that her condescending husband doesn’t have the slightly idea what she’s going through.  The Man (Michael Gazin) lives by Occam’s Razor.  “The simplest explanation is the correct one,” he continually repeats.  At first, the Man is dismissive of his wife’s fear that there’s someone in the house with them.  But then The Man himself starts to see strange things.  Is there someone or something in the house?  Or is something else causing them to see the threatening intruder?

Considering the low budget and the somewhat derivative plot, Something is surprisingly effective.  The low budget actually works to the film’s advantage.  There’s no fancy makeup or CGI to give viewers the escape of saying, “It’s just a movie.”  Instead, the movie becomes the very relatable story of two ordinary people who aren’t sure what they’re actually seeing.  Anyone who has ever had to deal with someone who insists that there’s a rational explanation for everything will share the wife’s exasperation as her husband continually insists that Occam’s Razor can explain everything.  Jane Rowen gives a strong performance as the Woman and the film does a good job of keeping you guessing.

As for Eric Roberts, he appears towards the end of the film.  It’s a small role but it’s always good to see Eric Roberts and his oddly cheerful demeanor actually works within the context of the strange world that the film has created.  Watching him in this film and listening to him explain what he thinks has been going on, it’s hard not to regret that Eric Roberts never played a crime-solving coroner on a Law & Order spin-off.  That was definitely a missed opportunity.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

  1. Paul’s Case (1980)
  2. Star 80 (1983)
  3. Runaway Train (1985)
  4. To Heal A Nation (1988)
  5. Best of the Best (1989)
  6. Blood Red (1989)
  7. The Ambulance (1990)
  8. The Lost Capone (1990)
  9. Best of the Best II (1993)
  10. Love, Cheat, & Steal (1993)
  11. Voyage (1993)
  12. Freefall (1994)
  13. Love Is A Gun (1994)
  14. Sensation (1994)
  15. The Specialist (1994)
  16. Dark Angel (1996)
  17. Doctor Who (1996)
  18. Most Wanted (1997)
  19. The Alternate (2000)
  20. Mercy Streets (2000)
  21. Tripfall (2000)
  22. Raptor (2001)
  23. Rough Air: Danger on Flight 534 (2001)
  24. Strange Frequency (2001)
  25. Wolves of Wall Street (2002)
  26. Border Blues (2004)
  27. Mr. Brightside (2004)
  28. Six: The Mark Unleased (2004)
  29. We Belong Together (2005)
  30. Hey You (2006)
  31. Cyclops (2008)
  32. Depth Charge (2008)
  33. Amazing Racer (2009)
  34. The Chaos Experiment (2009)
  35. In The Blink of an Eye (2009)
  36. Bed & Breakfast (2010)
  37. Enemies Among Us (2010)
  38. The Expendables (2010) 
  39. Groupie (2010)
  40. Sharktopus (2010)
  41. Beyond The Trophy (2012)
  42. The Dead Want Women (2012)
  43. Deadline (2012)
  44. The Mark (2012)
  45. Miss Atomic Bomb (2012)
  46. The Night Never Sleeps (2012)
  47. Snow White: A Deadly Summer (2012)
  48. Assault on Wall Street (2013)
  49. Bonnie And Clyde: Justified (2013)
  50. Lovelace (2013)
  51. The Mark: Redemption (2013)
  52. The Perfect Summer (2013)
  53. Revelation Road: The Beginning of the End (2013)
  54. Revelation Road 2: The Sea of Glass and Fire (2013)
  55. Self-Storage (2013)
  56. Sink Hole (2013)
  57. A Talking Cat!?! (2013)
  58. This Is Our Time (2013)
  59. Bigfoot vs DB Cooper (2014)
  60. Doc Holliday’s Revenge (2014)
  61. Eternity: The Movie (2014)
  62. Inherent Vice (2014)
  63. Road to the Open (2014)
  64. Rumors of War (2014)
  65. So This Is Christmas (2014)
  66. Amityville Death House (2015)
  67. Deadly Sanctuary (2015)
  68. A Fatal Obsession (2015)
  69. Las Vegas Story (2015)
  70. Sorority Slaughterhouse (2015)
  71. Stalked By My Doctor (2015)
  72. Story of Eva (2015)
  73. Enemy Within (2016)
  74. Hunting Season (2016)
  75. Joker’s Poltergeist (2016)
  76. Prayer Never Fails (2016)
  77. Stalked By My Doctor: The Return (2016)
  78. The Wrong Roommate (2016)
  79. Dark Image (2017)
  80. The Demonic Dead (2017)
  81. Black Wake (2018)
  82. Frank and Ava (2018)
  83. Stalked By My Doctor: Patient’s Revenge (2018)
  84. The Wrong Teacher (2018)
  85. Clinton Island (2019)
  86. Monster Island (2019)
  87. The Reliant (2019)
  88. The Savant (2019)
  89. Seven Deadly Sins (2019)
  90. Stalked By My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare (2019)
  91. The Wrong Mommy (2019)
  92. Exodus of a Prodigal Son (2020)
  93. Free Lunch Express (2020)
  94. Hard Luck Love Song (2020)
  95. Her Deadly Groom (2020)
  96. Law of Attraction (2020)
  97. Top Gunner (2020)
  98. Deadly Nightshade (2021)
  99. The Elevator (2021)
  100. Just What The Doctor Ordered (2021)
  101. Killer Advice (2021)
  102. Megaboa (2021)
  103. Night Night (2021)
  104. The Poltergeist Diaries (2021)
  105. The Rebels of PT-218 (2021)
  106. Red Prophecies (2021)
  107. A Town Called Parable (2021)
  108. The Wrong Mr. Right (2021)
  109. Bleach (2022)
  110. Dawn (2022)
  111. My Dinner With Eric (2022)
  112. 69 Parts (2022)
  113. The Rideshare Killer (2022)
  114. The Wrong High School Sweetheart (2022)
  115. The Company We Keep (2023)
  116. D.C. Down (2023)
  117. If I Can’t Have You (2023)
  118. Megalodon: The Frenzy (2023)
  119. Aftermath (2024)
  120. Bad Substitute (2024)
  121. Devil’s Knight (2024)
  122. Insane Like Me? (2024)
  123. Space Sharks (2024)
  124. The Wrong Life Coach (2024)
  125. Broken Church (2025)
  126. Shakey Grounds (2025)
  127. Stand Your Ground (2025)
  128. When It Rains In L.A. (2025)

Horror On TV: The Curse of Degrassi (dir by Stefan Brogren)


Can you believe it?  The first day of Horrorthon is nearly over!  I’ve got tears in my mismatched eyes.

You may remember, from previous horrorthons, that I like to end each day in October by sharing a classic example of televised horror.  Much as with the the horror movies that I share at the start of each day, it should be remembered that I’m a bit at the mercy of YouTube here.  If YouTube decides to yank down a video after I share it on this site, there’s nothing that I can do about it.  That’s why I encourage everyone to watch these now!  Don’t wait until 2035.  Who knows if YouTube will even still be a thing in 2035?

Let’s start things off with The Curse of Degrassi!

This is a special episode of my favorite TV show of all, Degrassi: The Next Generation!  Originally airing on October 28th, 2008, The Curse of Degrassi features Degrassi’s then-main mean girl, Holy J Sinclair (Charlotte Arnold), getting possessed by the vengeful spirit of deceased school shooter, Rick Murray (Ephraim Ellis).  Chaos follows!  Fortunately, Spinner (Shane Kippel) is around to save the day.  As any true Degrassi fan can tell you, only Spinner has a chance against the forces of the undead.

Enjoy The Curse of Degrassi!

 

October Hacks: Deadly Manor (dir by Jose Ramon Larraz)


1990’s Deadly Manor begins, as so many slasher films do, with a road trip.

Tony (Greg Rhodes), Helen (Claudia Franjul), Rod (Mark Irish), Susan (Liz Hitchler), Peter (Jerry Kerion), and Anne (Kathleen Patane) are driving through upstate New York.  Their ultimate destinate is a lake but they don’t really seem to have a very good grasp on how to actually get there.  They stop to pick up a surly but sexy hitchhiker named Jack (Clark Tufts).  Maybe Jack knows where the lake is!  Actually, Jack is an escaped convict who is traveling with a gun but he doesn’t tell anyone else.  He’s actually rather well-mannered for a fugitive.

With night falling and a storm approaching, the group decides to camp out for the night.  When the car proves to be too small, they decide to break into a nearby mansion.  The mansion has a wrecked car sitting in front of it and, on the inside, there’s all sorts of evidence that someone else has been staying there.  The house is full of pictures of a beautiful woman.  There’s also several pictures of a bunch of naked bikers, who all appear to be dead.  Still, the group decides to spend the night because this is a slasher film and people do stupid things.

As you probably already guessed, the group is not alone.  There’s a woman wearing a mask and walking around with a knife.  Unlike most slasher villains, our killer here likes to keep things simple.  She’s all about slashing throats.  I actually found myself appreciating the fact that the movie stayed consistent as far as that was concerned.  This isn’t the type of slasher movie where the killer somehow has a huge collection of weapons at their disposal and this also isn’t a movie where the killer drops a one liner with each kill.  The kills come quickly and without a hint of playfulness or mercy.  As for the throat slashings, they’re effective because the throat is such a vulnerable and uniquely exposed part of the body.  I love my throat and I’d hate for anything bad to happen to it.  The kill that always seems to get mentioned is one that takes place in slow motion towards the end of the film.  That is a memorably gruesome moment but, for me, the most effective kill is one where the actual attack takes place off-screen and we only see the aftermath.  It’s a moment that takes us by surprise and confirms that no one is safe inside the house.

When Deadly Manor started, I wasn’t expecting much from it.  The characters were all incredibly dumb and the terrible dialogue didn’t do anyone any favors.  Things picked up once they broke into the mansion.  Yes, their decision to stay in the obviously dangerous mansion didn’t make much sense but the location itself was full of atmosphere and the killer was memorably odd.  The film itself is full of small details, like an ever-widening crack on one of the walls, that eventually pay off in unexpected ways.  Deadly Manor turns out to be a bit more engrossing than anyone would have any reason to suspect.

Deadly Manor didn’t shy away from blood and it didn’t shy away from nudity and it didn’t shy away from being a slasher film.  After watching countless “modern” horror films that take themselves too seriously and almost seem to be apologizing for following the rules of the genre, there was something very entertaining about watching an old school, unapologetically sordid slasher like Deadly Manor. 

SOV Horror Review: Beyond The Seventh Door (dir by Bozidar Benedikt)


In the early ’80s, a revolution took place in the horror genre. Amateur filmmakers started to direct their own horror films, using home video cameras. In those days before YouTube, they released the films not in theaters but instead on VHS tape. These shot-on-video horror movies usually only cost a few thousand dollars to make and, what they lacked in polished cinematography and big stars, they often made up for in raw immediacy, strange plot twists, and crudely effective gore. These were films that were made by horror lovers who didn’t have a studio looking over their shoulder and saying, “That might cost us at the box office.” The end results were films that critics either ignored or hated but which true horror fans made a point of tracking down. Admittedly, most of the old SOV horror films aren’t particularly good. Usually, when I watch these films, I find myself developing an appreciation for things that I usually take for granted, like clean sound recording. But there are a few that are memorable, either because of their bizarre plots or because of their willingness to go to the extremes that mainstream films tend to avoid. For this year’s Horrorthon, I hope to review several SOV horror films for this site.

1987’s Beyond the Seventh Door is a good example of a SOV horror film. Directed by Bozidar Benedikt and filmed in Canada, Beyond the Seventh Door stars actor Lazar Rockwood as Boris. Boris has just gotten out of prison. His ex-girlfriend, Wendy (Bonnie Beck), tells him that she is currently working as a maid for a paraplegic millionaire. She suggests that, during a costume party, she and Boris should break into the estate’s basement and steal some of her boss’s possessions. Boris agrees but, soon after they break in, they discover that the basement is actually a series of seven escape rooms. If Boris and Wendy can successfully solve the puzzle of each room and escape without dying, they’ll get what they’re looking for in the seventh room. But even the final room has a deadly twist.

It’s an intriguing plot and, considering that it appears that the film was basically shot in a warehouse and that the same room was redecorated multiple times, the film still manages to generate a little suspense. The twist ending is clever and Bonnie Beck does a good job with the role of Wendy. I felt bad for Wendy, who had to maneuver her way through each death trap while wearing high heels. That said, her red dress was to die for.

However, the main thing that most people will remember about Beyond the Seventh Door is the bizarre performance of Lazar Rockwood. With his dark, unkempt hair and his hollowed-out facial features, Rockwood bears a disturbing resemblance to Richard Ramirez, the infamous California serial killer who was known as the Night Stalker. Rockwood delivers his lines in a nearly indecipherable accent and, whenever a door closes behind him, he lets out a shrill little “Nooooo!” that is more likely to make you smile than feel any sort of real fear. It’s such a bizarre performance that it becomes oddly fascinating to watch. It’s not exactly a good performance, but he is totally credible as the type of easily misguided weirdo who would end up getting trapped in one escape room after another.

There’s a relentless drive to Beyond the Seventh Door’s narrative, one that makes the film easy to watch despite the low budget and the occasionally clunky dialogue. The action stops briefly for a totally out-of-place sex scene but somehow, even that works. I mean, if you’re trapped in a basement with your ex and it’s totally possible that you’re going to be dead within the hour, you might as well. It’s a far more watchable film than it probably has any right to be and the things that make it watchable are exactly the things that no studio would have allowed the filmmakers to get away with, like casting Lazar Rockwood in the lead role. This is an SOV film that actually works.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: The Phantom of the Opera (dir by Dwight H. Little)


1989’s The Phantom of the Opera opens in what was then-modern day Manhattan.

Christine Day (Jill Schoelen) is a young opera singer who is searching for the perfect audition piece.  Her friend, Meg (Molly Shannon), suggests that she use an obscure opera piece called Don Juan Triumphant.  The opera was written by Erik Destler, a mysterious composer who was accused of murdering several opera singers in the 1800s.  That morbid fact only makes Christine all the more convinced that she should use the piece in her audition and you know what?  I would probably feel the same way.  If nothing else, it would certainly appeal to my subversive side.

Even after Christine imagines seeing blood seeping off the pages of the opera, she remains committed to auditioning with it.  Unfortunately, at the audition, a sandbag falls on her head.  She’s knocked unconscious and, when she wakes up, she finds herself in 1885 London.  She’s an understudy for a diva named La Carlotta (Sharon Lawrence).  Carlotta has skill and technique but her singing lacks emotion.  She hits each note perfectly but she brings no deeper meaning to her performances.  Christine may lack Carlotta’s polish but she sings with emotion.  For that reason, Carlotta is jealous of Christine.  Meanwhile, Erik Destler (Robert Englund), who lives in the sewers of London’s opera house and who wears a mask over his disfigured face, feels that Christine is the only one who can do his work justice and he’s willing to go to any length to make sure that she’s the one who performs on stage.

At the time he made The Phantom of the Opera, Robert Englund was still regularly playing Freddy Krueger.  The film’s version of Erik Destler does owe a bit to Krueger.  Erik is as ruthless as Freddy, he’s good with a quip, he’s just as willing to kill, and, needless to say, he also has a face that will haunt your nightmares.  That said, Erik is also a creative artist, which is something that Freddy never was.  If Freddy was motivated by revenge, Erik is motivated by a desire to see his work come to life the way that he’s always imagined it.  Erik murders to help Christine (regardless of whether or not Chrsitine actually wants the help) whereas Freddy killed because he enjoyed it.  Englund gives a good performance as Erik, occasionally playing the role with the type of broadness that is to expected from a B-horror film but also still offering hints of the artist that Erik once was.  Englund is well-matched with Jill Schoelen, who brings a likable energy to Christine.

Produced by Menahem Golan and Harry Alan Towers, The Phantom of the Opera is an entertaining B-movie, one that is obviously not meant to be taken too seriously.  Director Dwight H. Little keeps the action moving at a steady pace, the sets and the costumes are to die for, the kills are unapologetically bloody, and the film even manages to put an interesting twist on the whole “it was all dream!” thing.  The Phantom of the Opera is an enjoyably macabre showcase for two of the best horror performers of the 80s and 90s, Jill Schoelen and Robert Englund.

 

A Blast From The Past: Count Floyd Brings You Whisper Of The Wolf


Starting last month, I’ve been watching SCTV on Netflix.  Probably to the surprise of absolutely no one, Count Floyd (played by the wonderful Joe Flaherty) is my favorite character and Monster Chiller Horror Theatre is my favorite SCTV “show.”

In today’s blast from the past, Count Floyd brings us something “pretty scary!”  From 1978, here’s Count Floyd and Ingmar “Burgman’s” Whispers of the Wolf!

Seriously, it takes a special guide of genius to accurately satirize not just cheap horror hosts but also Ingmar Bergman in the same sketch.

I also love the fact that, even though it’s never specifically stated, Count Floyd is obviously meant to be straight-laced newsman Floyd Robertson, doing double duty at the station.

“Wasn’t that scary, kids!?”

Judge Dredd (1995, directed by Danny Cannon)


Judge Dredd, the legendary British comic about life in Mega-City One, has twice been adapted for the movies.

In 2012, Pete Travis and Alex Garland teamed up to give us Dredd, a film that starred Karl Urban as Joseph Dredd, the famous helmeted cop who is tasked to serve as judge, jury, and executioner in Mega-City One. Dredd was acclaimed for being an exciting action film that stayed true to the comic’s satiric subtext. Karl Urban was praised for bringing Dredd to life even while wearing the judge’s signature helmet and armor. Of course, another reason Dredd was acclaimed was because it was totally different from the first attempt to turn Judge Dredd into a movie.

In 1995, Sylvester Stallone played the title character in Judge Dredd. “I am the law!” Stallone shouts throughout the film, even while he’s being set up to take the fall for a murder that he did not commit. Working with talkative criminal Fergie (Rob Schneider) and Judge Hershey (Diane Lane), Dredd tries to stop his brother, Rico (Armand Assante), from destroying Mega-City One. Max von Sydow and Jürgen Prochnow appear as other judges, and James Earl Jones provides the opening narration, telling us how society collapsed and a world patrolled by judges arose in its place.

As a film, Judge Dredd is typical of many of the now-forgotten comic book adaptations of the ’90s. Tim Burton’s Batman had made comic book films viable, but they still weren’t taken seriously as anything other than a way to get teenage boys to part with their money. It’s obvious that a lot of time and money went into duplicating the look of the Judge Dredd comic, but far less time was spent on what actually made the comic so successful in the first place. Mega-City One looks great and so does Dredd’s armor. However, Dredd loses both his armor and his trademark helmet early on because he’s being played by Sylvester Stallone, and why would you spend all that money on a star just to hide his face? Unfortunately, once Stallone removes the helmet, the character goes from being Judge Joseph Dredd to just being another generic Stallone action hero. And while the film does feature plenty of humor, it’s self-conscious slapstick as opposed to the sharp satire that distinguished the comic. The performances become more and more cartoonish as the movie plays on. Armand Assante ends up making Schwarzenegger’s turn in Batman & Robin look subtle by comparison.

Director Danny Cannon was reportedly a fan of the original comic, and his original vision for Judge Dredd stuck closer to the source material. However, Sylvester Stallone wanted the film to be more of an action comedy in the style of his previous hit, Demolition Man. (Stallone even brought Rob Schneider over from the previous film.) Cannon’s vision was for a violent, R-rated movie. (The first cut was hit with an NC-17.) Stallone and the studio wanted a PG-13 film, and the end result is a film that does not seem to know what it wants to say or who it was made for. It has enough gunfire and explosions that it’s not a terrible action film, but as an adaptation of Judge Dredd, it’s the pits.

Fortunately, years later, Dredd would come along and set things right.

The Ghostmaker (2011, directed by Mauro Borelli)


Three college students — meth-addicted Kyle (Aaron Dean Eisenberg), paraplegic Sutton (J. Walter Holland), and occultist Platt (Jared Grey) — come in possession of a 15th century casket that also has a built-in music box.  Kyle discovers that, when you lie down in the casket and play the music at the same time, you briefly become a ghost and you can go anywhere without being seen.  However, a piece of your soul dies every time that use the music box and Death itself soon starts to follow you around.  Platt thinks the box is dangerous but Kyle sees it as a way to pay off his debts and Sutton sees it as a way to both walk and stalk Kyle’s girlfriend, Julie (Liz Fenning).

To give credit where credit is due, the concept behind The Ghostmaker is interesting.  Even if the film’s plot is just a retread of Flatliners, I liked the idea of the casket killing Kyle and Sutton’s soul a piece at a time.  Just as Kyle has become addicted to crystal meth, Sutton soon becomes addicted to using the casket and the end results aren’t good for anyone.  The first half of the movie is genuinely good, with some quality jump scares and plenty of creepy scenes of Kyle and Sutton walking around as ghosts.  The second half of the movie is where things fall apart as the story becomes less about the consequences of using the casket and more about Kyle and Sutton’s personal problems.  The endless victimization of Julie becomes exploitive and the film’s final scenes really reveal the limitations of the mostly unknown cast.  What started out as a thought-provoking look at what it means to have a soul becomes a standard thriller.

The movie opens by saying that it’s based on a true story.  If you believe that, I have a ghost-making casket to sell you.

Retro Television Review: Blood Ties (dir by Jim McBride)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursday, I will be reviewing Blood Ties, which aired its only episode on Fox in 1991.  The pilot film can be found on Tubi!

 

Episode 1.1 “Blood Ties”

(Directed by Jim McBride, originally aired on May 27th, 1991)

In Long Beach, California, there is a thriving community of Carpathians. Eli Chelarin (Patrick Bauchau) is the patriarch, a businessman who builds skyscrapers, makes deals, and flies into a rage whenever he learns of anti-Carpathian prejudice. Harry Martin (Harley Venton), born Harlevon Martinescu, is the reform-minded journalist who thinks it is time for the Carpathian community to start mingling with the rest of America. Celia (Michelle Johnson) is Eli’s sultry sister. While Eli is making big business deals and Harry is preaching coexistence, Celia and the younger generation are having a good time.

And then there is Cody Puckett (Jason London), who grew up in small-town Texas and was barely even aware of his Carpathian heritage. That all changed when a group of Carpathian hunters (led by Bo Hopkins) killed Cody’s parents and burned down his house. Cody flees Texas and ends up in California, where he hooks up with his distant relatives.

Harry reveals to Cody that the Carpathians are actually vampires, but that does not mean what Cody initially assumes. Yes, the Carpathians are directly descended from Lilith, and yes, they do have a taste for blood. However, they are not immortal (though they do tend to live to be at least 120). They can go out in the sunlight. They cannot turn into bats. They cannot be stopped by a cross. A wooden stake only kills them because it would kill anyone. The Carpathians are stronger than the average human, but they are not super-strong. (Cody nods and then asks if Carpathians are better at sex than average humans.) In short, the Carpathians are vampires who do not actually get to do any of the fun vampire things. To me, that defeats the whole purpose of being a vampire. Harry and his relatives spend so much time scoffing at misconceptions about vampires that they seem to miss the point: vampires are only interesting as long as they are doing vampire stuff. Vampires that turn into bats will always be more entertaining than vampires who just happen to live a long time.

Blood Ties was a made-for-TV movie that also served as a pilot for a potential series. It is easy to see the direction the series would have taken. Blood Ties mixes 90210-style teenage antics with older adults debating the best way to protect their community. Eventually the Carpathian hunters show up in Los Angeles, and the vampires make quick work of them. Presumably Bo Hopkins would not have been a series regular. Jim McBride’s direction is stylish, and the pilot is well acted, especially by Michelle Johnson. That said, it is hard not to feel that the pilot sabotaged itself by focusing on how the Carpathians were different from traditional vampires. The film rather cavalierly dismisses a lot of things that most horror fans love about vampires. Making the characters vampires who are not really vampires just feels kind of pointless.

Perhaps fortunately, Blood Ties did not become a regular series. If nothing else, that left Jason London available for Dazed and Confused. It is a fair trade.