Guilty Horror Pleasure #87: The ‘Burbs (dir by Joe Dante)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1989’s The ‘Burbs takes place in …. well, it’s right there in the title.

Welcome to the suburbs! It’s place with big houses, green lawns, and neighbors who often don’t have much to do other than watch each other and gossip. Ray Peterson (Tom Hanks) lives with his wife, Carol (Carrie Fisher), and is friends with Art Weingartner (Rick Ducommun) and Mark Rumsfield (Bruce Dern). Ricky Butler (Corey Feldman) is the local teenager. It’s a nice neighborhood …. at least, until the Klopeks move in.

The Klopeks are viewed with suspicion from the minute they show up. They’re from a different country, they always seem to be burying something in their backyard, and Dr. Werner Klopek (Henry Gibson) is oddly stand-offish. When Walter Seznick (Gale Gordon) disappears and the the Klopeks are seen around Walter’s house and with Walter’s dog, Ray and his friends start to suspect that their new neighbors might be ritualistic murderers!

Oh, how I love The ‘Burbs. The film’s portrait of the suburbs as being a hotbed of paranoia may be a familiar one but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got actors like Tom Hanks and Bruce Dern throwing themselves into their roles. As always, Hanks is the glue that holds the film and its disparate parts together, giving a likable performance as a man who goes from being the voice of reason to being convinced that his neighbors are cannibals. Bruce Dern gleefully sends up his own image as a paranoid Vietnam vet but there’s also a sweetness to Dern’s performance that really makes it stand out. Dern’s character might be a little crazy but he does truly care about his neighbors.

Just as he did with Piranha and The Howling, Dante balances humor with suspense. He does such a good job of telling the story and getting good performances from his cast, that even the film’s big twist works far better than one might expect. It’s an 80s film so, of course, a few things explode towards the end of it. The film’s character-based humor is replaced with some broader jokes but no matter. The Burbs is an entertaining trip to the heart of suburban paranoia.

As the saying goes, just because you’re paranoid, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t out to get you.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.9 “The Thanksgiving Cruise/The Best of Friends/Too Many Dads/Love Will Find A Way”

Posted on July 23, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard….

It’s a holiday….

THE LOOOOOOOOOOVE BOAT

Episode 6.9 “The Thanksgiving Cruise/The Best of Friends/Too Many Dads/Love Will Find A Way”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 20th, 1982)

It’s Thanksgiving and the Love Boat crew is not getting along!

It all starts when Gopher makes a joke about Doc being a womanizer. Doc, who has spent five seasons bragging about being a womanizer, gets offended and stops talking to Gopher. Isaac tries to give Gopher some advice but Gopher offends him by saying that he’s sick of hearing stories about the wisdom of Isaac’s grandfather. (I have never heard Isaac mention his grandfather in the past.) Julie gets mad when Doc says that he didn’t care much for some of her past hairstyles. (Julie’s hair does look terrible this episode.) Everyone is fighting …. except for Captain Stubing and Vicki. They do have an argument but Stubing refuses to take it personally and Vicki says she could never stay angry with her father. Awwwww!

(I think it’s seriously irresponsible to raise someone on a cruise ship but I still tear up at the Stubing/Vicki scenes. Can you tell I’m missing my Dad?)

I have to admit that it kind of upset me to see the Love Boat crew fighting. The passengers come and go but the crew has remained the same for six seasons and their likable chemistry has always been one of the show’s greatest strengths. Julie getting mad at Doc? No, it can’t happen! We all know Julia and Doc are secretly in love! I was really concerned that the crew was going to have a bad Thanksgiving but luckily, everyone forgave everyone else in time for Thanksgiving.

I was so worried about the crew that I barely paid attention to the other two stories. Lorne Greene and Dorothy McGuire played parents who were initially alarmed when their daughter (Wendy Schaal) announced that she was going to marry a paraplegic (Jim Knaub). Luckily, they saw the error of their ways. Meanwhile, Michael Lembeck boarded the boat with a court order that stated that he had been given legal custody of B.J. Lewis (Christian Jacobs), who was traveling with his stepfather, Roger (Richard Hatch). In the end, everyone agreed that Roger was the better father and B.J.’s biological father gave up custody which …. I don’t know. That doesn’t seem like something that would happen in real life. I mean, if you go through the trouble of hiring expensive lawyers and then storm a cruise ship, I don’t think you’re just going to shrug and give up.

“Now I have two Dads!” BJ announces.

Kid, one of your Dads just rejected you.

Oh well! It’s Thanksgiving! And I’m giving thanks that the Love Boat crew all learned an important lesson about friendship. That’s what life is all about.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.21 “The Big Bet/Nancy and the Thunderbirds”

Posted on December 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s the last Julie episode.

Episode 5.21 “The Big Bet/Nancy and the Thunderbirds”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on May 1st, 1982)

Because I’ve got a cold and I’ve still got a lot to do for the holidays, I’m only going to do a mini-review for this episode. It’s not a very good episode so the less time spent talking about it, the better.

I knew this episode wasn’t going to be my cup of tea when Julie was the one who greeted Mr. Roarke as he stepped out of his office. That’s nothing against Wendy Schaal, the actress who played Julie. It’s just that the episodes in which Julie helps out Roarke are never as good as the Tattoo episodes. Ricardo Montalban and Wendy Schaal just didn’t have the same type of entertaining chemistry as Montalban and Herve Villechaize.
I think a huge part of the problem with Julie is that she is Roarke’s goddaughter and spends a lot of time looking up to him and treating him like a father figure. Tattoo and Roarke were, more or less, equals and they could relate to each other on a much more honest and, by the standards of the show, realistic fashion.
As for the fantasies, neither one is very interesting.
Mary Ann Mobley plays Nancy Carsons, who was adopted and raised by an Indian chief. Nancy]s fantasy is to fulfil the Chief’s prophecy and conquer a thunderbird. Apparently, only by doing this can Nancy prevent the tribe from falling apart when the Chief dies. The problem is that the thunderbird is a mythological bird who does not exactly exist.
However, there is a squadron of airplanes known as the Thunderbirds and they’re visiting Fantasy Island. Can Nancy, who is a licensed pilot, fly one of those plans and kind of make the prophecy come true?
Of course, she does! And she also falls in love with Major Wood (Patrick Wayne) so, not only is the Tribe saved but Nancy will now be doing even more flying.
If the Thunderbirds fantasy was just kind of bland, the “Big Bet” fantasy is downright offensive, with Corky Daniels (John James) making a bet with his co-workers that he can have sex with Playpen model, Judy Moreau (Lydia Cornell). Judy just happens to be on the Island, accompanied by Playpen published ~~Hugh Hefner~~ Al Henshaw (Edd Byrnes).
Corky tells Judy a lot of lies to get her to fall for him. When Judy finds out about the bet, she’s so upset that she …. sleeps with Corky anyways. But then Corky doesn’t tell his friends about sleeping with Judy and loses the bet which proves to Judy that he really does love her.
Now, let’s give credit where credit it due. Both Roarke and Julie tell Corky that he’s being a sexist pig. I always like it when Roarke gets offended with his guest’s because Montalban always seemed to enjoy playing up Roarke’s anger. Mr. Roarke comes across as being the perfect host but you don’t want to get him mad.
Corky and Judy leave the Island together. Judy should have tossed Corky in the lagoon.

We’ve got one episode left in season 5. I checked and it’s a Tattoo episode, which means this week’s episode was Julie’s grand finale. Unfortunately, it’s not really much of a finale. Julie’s sudden presence on the Island was never really adequately explained, though it was kind of nice to be reminded that there’s always a lot taking place on the Island and Roarke doesn’t always have time to oversee every little thing. I suppose Roarke probably has many assistants who we rarely see.

Because of the holidays, this is my final Fantasy Island review of 2024. I will resume reviewing Fantasy Island on January 7th!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.20 “Forget-Me-Not/The Quizmasters”

Posted on December 3, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Tattoo is still missing.

Episode 5.20 “Forget-Me-Not/The Quizmasters”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 10th, 1982)

Amnesiac Ellen Layton (Jill St. John) comes to the Island in hopes of remembering who she was in her past life. Ever since she was tossed off a horse and struck her head, Ellen has not been able to recall a single detail of her old life. Roarke agrees to help, using another one of those magic plants that seem to grow in abundance on Fantasy Island. However, Roarke also shows Julie a hologram that reveals that, in her previous life, Ellen was a ruthless businesswoman who fired people at the drop of a hat.

As quickly becomes obvious, amnesiac Ellen is far happier than corporate Ellen. Afterall, amnesiac Ellen has all sorts of friends on the Island and she even has sleazy Mike Collins (Dan Gautier) pretending to be in love with her. (In what I believe is a Fantasy Island first, we hear the thoughts of Mike and several other men when they first learn that the wealthy and beautiful Ellen can’t remember anything about her past life.) But when Ellen’s real husband (Brett Halsey) comes to the Island looking for her, she has to decide if she wants to go back to who she used to be or if she wants to continue being the carefree amnesiac that she’s been for the last several months. Which will she choose?

You already know the answer to that one. Ellen’s fantasy really wasn’t that interesting. I preferred the first part of the show’s other fantasy. Two game show hosts (Gene Rayburn and Jan Murray), who are both in love with the same woman (Vikki Carr), come to the Island because they want to compete in the ultimate game show. Roarke actually sets up a game show for them, with himself as host and a studio audience. The two men are asked a question. The first man to answer correctly is given the choice of opening one of four doors. Three of the doors contain prizes, like love and money. The other door is the …. DOOR OF DEATH!

One of the joys of this episode is watching Ricardo Montalban play a game show host. He appears to be having a blast, especially when he gets to dramatically remind the two contestants about “the Door of Death!” And, while the two men do manage to open up two of the doors successfully (leading one contestant rescuing Vikki Carr from being burned at the stake as a witch and the other contestant robbing a 1920s bank), the third door that the two men open is THE DOOR OF DEATH!

Unfortunately, the Door of Death turns out to be a bit anticlimatic. The two men and the women they love have to survive in the wilderness while being pursued by an archer whose fantasy is to — *sigh* — hunt the most dangerous prey of all, man. The show just did a Most Dangerous Game knock-off just two episodes ago so why do it again? Fortunately, both of the game show hosts and the woman they’re fighting over survive. They leave the Island together, their love triangle unresolved.

The game show had a lot of potential but this episode was disappointing. Unfortunately, Tattoo was not in this episode and Julie served as Roarke’s assistant. Nothing against Julie but the whole game show thing seemed like it would have been a perfect set up for some Roarke/Tattoo banter. This show was definitely better with Tattoo than without him.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.19 “Face of Love/Image of Celeste”

Posted on November 26, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week …. hey, where’s Tattoo!?

Episode 5.19 “Face of Love/Image of Celeste”

(Dir by Don Chaffey, originally aired on March 20th, 1982)

Once again, as I did with Miami Vice and CHiPs, I am going to save time by doing this review bullet-point style. It’s the holidays, after all.

After two (or was it three) weeks of just Roarke and Tattoo, this episode features only Julie as Roarke’s assistant. Apparently, Tattoo has been busy helping a guest fulfill a “Cinderella fantasy” but things have gone wrong. The carriage turned back into a pumpkin. The horses turned back into mice and are now running all over the Island. Tattoo is not seen in this episode, which is a shame because the last few episodes (featuring only him and Roarke) really did feel like a throw-back to the first two seasons of the show.
It’s been kind of weird during this season, continually hearing that various fantasies are going wrong. That’s not the Fantasy Island that we all know. Fantasy Island has previously been portrayed as a place where Roarke would never allow anything to truly go wrong.
Julie doesn’t really do anything as Roarke’s assistant in this episode. Roarke tells her who each guest is and gives her the details of their fantasy but that’s pretty much it.
Laura Jensen (Erin Gray) has spent her life with a face that was scarred during a housefire. She’s grown up to be bitter and angry. She’s just gotten out of prison and she’s brought to the Island by her parole officer, Ron (Monte Markham). Ron’s fantasy is for Laura’s scars to go away so that Laura can let go of her anger and live a norma;l life.
Though initially weary, Laura is amazed when Roarke gives her a magical cream that causes her scars to temporarily vanish. In fact, Laura appears to be ready to get on with her life and accept that she and Ron are in love. But then Laura’s sleazy ex (Larry Manetti) shows up and tempts her back to her old ways. Don’t worry. It all works out in the end and Ron and Laura leave as a couple. However, I get the feeling that Ron’s going to lose his job as a parole officer. Falling in love with a parolee and taking a tropical vacation with her seems like something that would go against every rule in the book.
The other fantasy was slightly more interesting, if just because it featured Paul Gauguin. When Celeste Vallon (Joanne Pettet) discovers that Roarke owns a Gauguin portrait of a woman who looks just like her, Celeste requests to go back to the past and be that woman. Roarke agrees, even though he warns her that she will also have to make a very serious decision, one that could change history.
Right away, this fantasy ran into a major stumbling block. The Gauguin painting looked absolutely nothing like something that Gauguin, one of the great post-impressionists, would have painted. Instead, it’s a very conventional painting.
The second stumbling block is that the legendary and charismatic Gauguin is played by the handsome but mild-mannered Robert Goulet.
What Celeste discovers is that she is directly descended from the woman in Gauguin’s painting. The woman was Gauguin’s mistress and was engaged, against her will, to marry a soldier (Christopher Stone). If Celeste agrees to remain with Gauguin, then Gauguin will never paint another painting. If Celeste agrees to return to France, her ancestor will lose the love of her life but Gauguin will continue to paint.
Celeste chooses not to change history. Good for her! Of course, that’s kind of an easy decision to make when Celeste isn’t the one who is actually going to have to live the rest of her life in Paris, dreaming of returning to Tahiti and Gauguin.
I wanted to like this episode more than I did. The parole officer bringing one of his parolees to the Island felt strange to me and the Gauguin story would have worked if the painter had been anyone other than the Paul Gauguin. If they had come up with a fictional painter, perhaps Goulet would have seemed more appropriate in the role. As it was, this episode felt bland and miscast.
Herve Villechaize was an accomplished painter so it’s a shame he wasn’t present for the Gauguin story. It’s previously been established that Tattoo is quite a painter himself so this episode definitely feels like a missed opportunity.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.16 “The Challenge/A Genie Named Joe”

Posted on November 5, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Fantasy Island reminds us why we love this show in the first place.

Episode 5.16 “The Challenge/A Genie Named Joe”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 13th, 1982)

Now, this is a great episode!

Julie doesn’t appear in this episode, beyond the usual stock footage that appears at the start of every season 5 episode. In fact, Julie isn’t even mentioned in this episode. Instead, it’s Roarke and Tattoo all the way. Roarke and Tattoo greet the visitors together. Tattoo is the one who helps Roarke put the fantasies together. Roarke and Tattoo say goodbye to everyone at the end. In a way, this episode felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island.

The fantasies feel like throwbacks to the first two seasons as well, with both of them featuring interesting guest stars and just enough twists to keep things interesting. We’ve got one comedic fantasy and one dramatic fantasy but the comedic fantasy is not too silly and the dramatic fantasy is not too serious. The episode manages to strike a pretty good balance between the two so, for once, neither fantasy feels rushed or short-changed.

The comedic fantasy features Kim Darby as Rebecca Walters, who wants to find a husband who is courteous and handsome. Tattoo takes her out to the magical Fantasy Island lagoon, where she meets a genie named …. well, he has a really long genie name but fortunately, he’s happy to be called Joe (Larry Linville). Joe can grant Rebecca three wishes. As always happens with genies, Rebecca wastes her first two wishes. For instance, when she says that it’s a little bit too warm for her, Joe grants her wish and temporarily turns Fantasy Island into a winter wonderland, complete with snow and Christmas music playing. (Seriously, the sight of snow on Fantasy Island was surprisingly charming, as was Tattoo’s shocked reaction.) In the end, of course, Rebecca comes to discover that she loves Joe. Joe transforms from a genie-into-a-man and they leave the Island together. It was a charming and cute fantasy. Both Darby and Linville seemed to be having fun with their roles and they had a surprising amount of chemistry together. This was a fun fantasy.

As for the dramatic fantasy, it allowed us to learn a little about the history of the Island. Apparently, centuries ago, the Island belonged to a Spanish sea captain. Ruthless tycoon Douglas Picard (Vic Morrow) came across the deed to the island after he moved into a villa that once belonged to the captain. Picard claims that the Island is legally his. Roarke points out that the deed is several centuries old and that it would take years for the legal system to sort out who owned what. Picard challenges Roarke to three challenges to decide who will own the island, challenges that will test the mind, body, and spirit of the two men. The person to win two of the matches also wins the Island. Roarke agrees.

Here’s the thing that I find interesting about all of this. First off, it’s implied that the Spanish sea captain was a part of the Spanish Armada. Why would the Spanish Armada have been in the South Pacific? Even more importantly, though, was the island still capable of granting fantasies when it was owned the Captain? Are the fantasies created by the Island or by Mr. Roarke? The case for the Island being magical can be found in this very episode, in which Tattoo takes Rebecca to a lagoon inhabited by a genie. Throughout the series, there have been many such locations on the Island. But Roarke himself is clearly more than just the charming owner of a resort. Ricardo Montalban once said that he felt Roarke was a fallen angel who was doing penance on the Island. That’s an interesting idea and would certainly explain why Roddy McDowall’s Devil always seemed to want to steal Roarke’s soul. Of course, the Blumhouse film and the recently-canceled reboot both suggested that Fantasy Island has had many different caretakers but I’m not sure that I consider either one of those to be canonical. I kind of like the idea Roarke having lived on the Island for centuries, like Richard on Lost.

Anyway, the three competitions are actually pretty interesting. The first one is a chess match that is won by Roarke. The second one features Roarke and Picard arm-wrestling over a killer spider. Roarke is in on the verge of winning that one but allows Picard to have the victory rather than kill him. The third competition is to do something selfless that improves someone else’s life. (I’m not sure how the winner would be selected but we’ll just go with it.) Picard gives money to a charity that he knows little about. Roarke, however, wins because he made Picard’s sister, Eunice (Jane Powell), happy by choosing not to kill Picard. Picard is so happy to finally see Eunice happy that he decides he doesn’t need to take ownership of Fantasy Island. Everyone leaves the Island a better person than they were when they arrived. Yay!

As I said before, this episode felt like a throwback to the earlier seasons of Fantasy Island. This was a great trip to the Island!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.14 “Daddy’s Little Girl/The Whistle”

Posted on October 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the stars align and John Carradine shows up on Fantasy Island.

Episode 5.14 “Daddy’s Little Girl/The Whistle”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 30th, 1982)

The plane is landing and Mr. Roarke and Julie are getting ready to meet their guests for the weekend. But wait a minute — where’s Tattoo!? Roarke explains that Tattoo has volunteered to spend the weekend learning how to do CPR. When a voluptuous nurse walks by, Julie rolls her eyes and says that Tattoo only cares about learning “mouth-to-mouth.”

“Julie!” Mr. Roarke snaps, even though Julie is probably correct.

Anyway, any episode without Tattoo feels strange and that’s certainly true of this episode. There are two fantasies, one of which was dramatically better than the other. The lesser of the two fantasies involves Christa Ackland (Genie Francis) and her efforts to find out the identity of her father. All she knows is that her mother (Carolyn Jones) knew her father in the Philippines during World War II. Christa is going to be married on Fantasy Island and she wants her real father to give her away.

Three men, all of whom served in the Air Force together, step forward and claim, one after the other, to be Christa’s father. When Christa finally confronts her mother, she learns that her father is not Gene (John Ericson), Al (Alan Hale, Jr.), or Bert (Gene Nelson). Instead, he was a guy named …. well, Guy. Guy was shot down while on a mission. Gene, Al, and Bert all explain that the stepped forward and claimed to be her father out of loyalty to Guy and because they didn’t want Christa to learn on her wedding say that her father was dead. (Apparently, they felt that information would be better received after the honeymoon.) Christa is surprisingly forgiving. She realizes that her stepfather (William Windom) has more than earned the right to give her away. Christa marries George Stickney (James Daughton, the head of the evil frat in Animal House) and Julie cries at the wedding. Awwww!

The main problem with this storyline was that Genie Francis gave a surprisingly bad performance as Christa. Instead of coming across as someone who truly wanted to know about her real father, she instead came across as being petulant and more than a little self-righteous. Carolyn Jones, William Windom, and the three potential fathers were all likable but none could make up for the unsympathetic lead character.

The other fantasy was a bit more fun, even if was impossible to follow the story. Iconologist Adrian Brilles (Edward Winters) dreams of making a great discovery that will bring him fame and prove his theories about ancient hieroglyphics to be correct. Mr. Roarke sends him to a ghost town that is also the home of a museum of ancient artifacts. Working with curator Leila Proctor (Ann Turkel), Adrian discovers what he describes as being “the Rosetta Stone of hieroglyphics.” He also discovers an ancient whistle that will grant him three wishes.

There are a few townspeople, all of whom take a lot of interest in Adrian’s work. Their leader is the town’s mortician and he’s played by — YES! — JOHN CARRADINE! And though Carradine doesn’t get to do much and was obviously physically frail when he filmed this episode, his famous voice and his piercing stare combine to make the Mortician a memorable character. There’s also a fairly ridiculous scene where the townspeople reveal their true selves, which means dancing around while wearing rubber demon masks. It’s silly but it’s effective.

It’s never quite clear what’s happening at the ghost town, beyond the three wishes being a set up to bring the demonic townspeople into the world and to cost Adrian his soul. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke pops up and gives Adrian some cryptic advice about the third wish being the most important. For his first wish, Adrian wishes for the townspeople to be their true selves. (Cue the demon dance.) For his second wish, he goes for fame and adulation. For his third wish, he cancels the first two wishes and this somehow set free not only his soul but Leila’s as well.

Yep, it doesn’t make much sense but it’s got John Carradine and a bunch of horror imagery so it’s fun. That’s all I really ask for when it comes to Fantasy Island. The whistle fantasy makes up for the wedding fantasy and the lack of Tattoo. This was a worthwhile trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

Posted on October 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, King Arthur comes to Fantasy Island!

Episode 5.13 “King Arthur in Mr. Roarke’s Court/Shadow Games”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 23rd, 1982)

Yay! Tattoo is present in this episode!

Listen, there’s nothing wrong with Wendy Schaal and it’s not her fault that the character of Julie was seriously underdeveloped by the show’s writers. But I have to admit that I always cheer a little whenever an episode opens with Julie being sent to take care of something elsewhere on the Island. In this case, Julie is sent to find a home for five adorable kittens while Tattoo and Mr. Roarke deal with this episode’s guests.

Sara Jean Rawlins (Linda Blair) is a country music singer who comes to Fantasy Island with her manager, Sam (the always sinister Peter Mark Richman). Sara Jean wants to record her song Shadow Games and she wants her former collaborator and boyfriend, Billy, to play guitar on the track. The only problem is that Billy is believed to have died in a fiery car crash. Mr. Roarke says that Sara Jean’s fantasy can come true but only if she has total and complete faith. Plus, she needs to let guitarist Todd Porter (Don Most) play with her. “It is very important to the success of your fantasy,” Roarke tells her. Hmmm….I wonder why.

Hey, do you think that maybe Billy isn’t dead and instead, he’s disguised himself as Todd Porter? That would certainly explain why Todd’s guitar playing sounds just like Billy’s. And do you think it’s possible that Sam, who is played by an actor who was always cast as a villain no matter what, might turn out to be the story’s true villain?

This fantasy was predictable and Linda Blair overacted the whole “country” aspect of her character but I did like the Shadow Games song. And Mr. Roarke played the piano at one point! It’s always fun when Mr. Roarke shows off a new skill. (Apparently, Montalban himself was a very talented pianist.)

As for the other fantasy, Ralph Rodgers (Tom Smothers) wants to go to the past so he can meet King Arthur. He specifically says his fantasy is to “meet King Arthur.” Ralph is briefly sent back to Camelot but, just as abruptly, he returns to the present and he brings Arthur (played by Robert Mandan) with him! Roarke admits that something must have gone wrong with the time traveling spell but he also points out that Ralph wanted to “meet King Arthur” and now he’s met him.

Now, what do you picture when you think of King Arthur? Young? Handsome? Battle-weary? Romantic? British?

Here’s what Fantasy Island gives us.

Now, if you’ve ever seen any old sitcoms from the 70s and the 80s, you’ll probably recognize Robert Mandan. He was one of those actors who always seemed to play stuffy authority figures. He was always the overprotective father or the greedy businessman or the principal who wasn’t going to stand for any foolishness in his school. Robert Mandan was not a bad actor but he was also definitely not British. But you know what? Robert Mandan is so miscast as King Arthur that it actually becomes kind of charming.

King Arthur and Ralph wander around the Island while Roarke works on finding a way to send Arthur back to Camelot. Arthur gets harassed by a group of roughnecks who don’t seem like they really belong on the Island. (Maybe they work at that fishing village that showed up in one episode and was then never mentioned again.) Arthur also reveals that his wife, Gwynevere, had vanished. Ralph eventually goes off on his own and runs into a British woman who says her name is Gwen (Carol Lynley). She explains she came to the Island because her politician husband was too consumed with work. Hmmmmm….

The important thing is that

Arthur and Gwen are reunited
Arthur knights Ralph before he and Gwen return to Camelot and,
There’s a masquerade ball and Tattoo dressed up like a knight!

This was a silly but cute episode. Between Robert Mandan as King Arthur and Linda Blair singing country music, this episode was so weird that it was impossible not to enjoy it. I just hope Julie found a home for all those kittens.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode presents your erstwhile reviewer with a bit of an ethical quandary.

Episode 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 16th, 1982)

I don’t feel completely comfortable about reviewing this episode of Fantasy Island and I’ll tell you why.

Occasionally, Fantasy Island would broadcast an extra-long episode. These episodes would typically feature three fantasies as opposed to the usual two. Unfortunately, when these long episodes were syndicated, one of the fantasies would be edited out so the episode would fit into an hour-long slot. Usually, the editing was not particularly smooth, either. The end result would usually be an episode that seemed oddly paced and the performances of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize would often seem uneven as well. As such, it’s neither easy nor particularly fair to review those edited episodes. When it comes to reviewing, I always want to see the complete episode.

And yet, now that the original Fantasy Island is no longer streaming anywhere (seriously, what the Hell, Tubi?), I’m stuck using the episodes that I have on my DVR. And that means reviewing the edited, syndicated versions of these episodes.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those edited episodes. The Valerie fantasy was removed for syndication. That’s a shame because Valerie featured the final televised performance of actor Christopher George, a charismatic B-movie veteran who is pretty popular around the Shattered Lens offices. It also featured Michelle Phillips, though apparently she did not return as the mermaid who she played earlier on the show. I’d love to review Valerie but I can’t. And that sucks,

As for the other two fantasies, one is basically a remake of the Lillian Russell fantasy, except this time Martha Harris (Phyllis Davis) goes into the past and finds herself transformed into her great-grandmother, Mata Hari. She gets to dance. She gets to spy. She gets thrown in prison and sentenced to death but, fortunately, her life is spared when the firing squad’s rifles are filled with blanks and she’s given a drug by one of the men who is in love with that makes her appear to be dead. This was a enjoyable fantasy, mostly because of the costumes and the melodrama.

The other fantasy features Bob Denver, coming to the Island for the second week in a row. This time, he’s a photographer who wants to take the type of pictures that the world’s greatest photographers couldn’t. Because of the awkward way the fantasy was stated, the photographer ends up with a camera that takes pictures of the future. At first, the photographer is really happy and uses his camera to commit a little insider trading. But then he takes a picture of a newspaper and sees a headline announcing his death in a fiery auto accident. Uh-oh!

Again, neither of the two fantasies is bad (though the second one does require a certain tolerance for Bob Denver that some people may not have) but it was hard for me to enjoy them knowing that I was missing out on a third fantasy. For that reason, I assigning this episode a grade of incomplete. If I ever get a chance to watch the complete episode, uncut, I’ll revisit this review but until then, I really can’t give an overall grade to this episode.

Finally, for those keeping track, both Julie and Tattoo join Roarke when it’s time to greet the guests. That’s only second time that’s happened this season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s all about the power of imagination.

Episode 5.11 “House of Dolls/Wuthering Heights”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on January 9th, 1982)

After being absent last week, Tattoo returns for this episode. That means that Julie, once again, is too busy on the other side of the Island to assist Mr. Roarke this week. The excuse that the show’s writer come up with to explain Julie’s absence is that she accidentally opened up a box of Fantasy Island butterflies that were meant to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. Now, Julie has to catch all of the butterflies. Good luck, Julie!

As for the fantasies, they both deal with imagination.

Clarissa Bevis (Britt Ekland) is a librarian who is single because she’s never met a real-life man who can compare to Heathcliffe from Clarissa’s favorite novel, Wuthering Heights. Clarissa wants to enter the world of the novel so that she can meet Heathcliffe and hopefully put her obsession with him behind her. Mr. Roarke grants her fantasy but warns her that she must not change the plot of the book in any way. That strikes me as an odd rule because it’s not as if Clarissa is traveling into the past. She’s entering her imagination so why would it matter if she decided to do what so many other readers have done and imagine a different ending to her favorite novel?

Clarissa finds herself approaching Wuthering Heights. Heathcliffe (Hugh O’Brian) sees her and declares that his beloved Catherine has come back to life. Meanwhile, Edgar Linton (Richard Anderson) believes that this proves Heathcliffe has gone mad and starts to plot to have Heathcliffe declared insane so that Edgar can claim Wuthering Heights and all of its farmland as his own. To be honest, if we’re in Clarissa’s imagination, I can only assume that she’s only seen a movie version of Wuthering Heights because neither Heathcliffe nor Edgar behave like their characters in the book (In particular, Edgar is portrayed as being a cartoonishly evil villain.) And, it should be noted, no mention is made of Cathy, Linton, Hindley, Isabella, Harleton, or any of the book’s other characters. How is Clarissa supposed to stay true to the plot of a book that she’s never read?

As for the other fantasy, Francis Elkins (Bob Denver) is a maker and dresser of mannequins, He’s fallen in love with one of his mannequins — “Hey, that’s not creepy at all,” I say while dramatically rolling my eyes — and his fantasy is for her to come to life. Roarke gives Francis a magical medallion thing that Francis uses to bring Courtney (Barbi Benton) to life, with the understanding that Courtney will only be human for two days. Eager to live as much life as possible, Courtney uses the medallion to bring to life three other mannequins to serve as the members of her squad. She also flirts with two salesmen (Larry Storch and Joey Forman) by telling them that’s she’s from Bloomingdale’s (“Oh yeah,” Storch says, “that town in Indiana,”) and that she’s only six years old. Fortunately, Francis’s love for Courtney is so strong that Courtney remains human even after the two days are up.

At the start of this fantasy, Roarke promises Tattoo that it will be the most delightful fantasy ever. Barbi Benton did a good job in the role of Courtney and she certainly showed more comedic timing here than she did during previous visits to the Island. But I don’t know …. the whole falling in love with a mannequin thing was a little too creepy to be delightful.

That said, this was an entertaining episode, even if neither fantasy really worked. Barbi Benton got to show off her comedic timing and the Wuthering Heights fantasy was enjoyably melodramatic, even if it got the book wrong and even though all-American Hugh O’Brian was not exactly the most convincing Heathcliffe. This was a nice enough trip to the Island.

I wonder if Julie ever found those butterflies.