Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewingthe Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, the first season comes to an end! Will Howard be promoted and, if he is, will there be a season 2? Let’s try to find out.
Episode 1.22 “Sex Appeal”
(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on March 12th, 1986)
Who will be the new vice president of the Cobb Corporation? Will it be Howard or will it be another store manager? Mrs. Cobb has sent her daughter, Tiffany (Ruth Buzzi), to interview and test both men. When Tiffany arrives at Howard’s store, she takes one look at him and decides that she’ll promote him but first, she wants to seduce him. Soon, Tiffany is forcing Howard to identify all of the items in the produce section with his eyes closed. When she places his hands on her face, Howard says, “Uhmmm …. pineapple! Moldy peaches!”
When Edna comes to the office late and discovers Howard and Tiffany in what appears to be a compromising position, she is scandalized. Howard insists that nothing happened and that Tiffany came onto him. He announces that he is charging Tiffany with sexual harrassment….
….and this somehow leads to a mock trial that is held in the breakroom, with all of the employees watching and Mrs. Cobb acting as judge. Is Mrs. Cobb really the best person to judge an accusation made against her daughter? Is this how they do things in Canada?
Howard is, of course, cleared of any wrong-doing. We all knew that was going to happen, largely because Tiffany is portrayed as being insane from the minute she shows up at the store. So, we get a resolution as far as the harassment is concerned but the whole storyline about Howard wanting a promotion is forgotten about and left unresolved.
And so, the first season ends with a bit of whimper. The first season was uneven. At its best, season one of Check It Out! had some episodes that were enjoyably weird. Any episode in which Gordon Clapp, Kathleen Laskey or Jeff Pustil were allowed to take center stage was guaranteed to be memorable. But there were also plenty of episodes like this one, where the show couldn’t seem to figure out whether or not Howard was a competent, well-meaning professional or a total and complete moron. Regardless of the individual content of each episode, there was never anything particularly subtle about Don Adams’s performance as Howard. For some episodes that worked. And, in episodes like this one, it definitely did not.
Next week, we start season 2! Two cast members say goodbye while Gordon Clapp’s Viker becomes a regular. Since season 2 is still taking place in the supermarket and Howard is still the manager, I’m going to assume that the other guy got the promotion.
The 1983 film, The Being, takes place in the town of Pottsville, Idaho.
Pottsville is a small town with a quaint downtown, a drive-in that shows violent slasher films, and a group of neighborhood activists who have come together to take a stand against smut. (Maybe they should start with that drive-in….) It’s home to a quarry, several potato farms, a trailer park, a diner, a church, and a …. ahem …. nuclear waste dump.
Strange things are happening in town. The young son of Marge Smith (Dorothy Malone) has vanished and Dorothy has become a familiar sight, wandering around the town in the middle of the night and searching for her child. One person loses his head while fleeing an unseen assailant. Two rednecks are killed while smoking weed at the drive-in theater. People are dying and Detective Mortimer Lutz (Bill Osco) is determined to find out who (or what) is doing the killing. He’s particularly concerned about the fact that a mysterious green slime is found at all of the crime scenes.
Meanwhile, Mayor Gordon Lane (Jose Ferrer) is more concerned with just covering up the crimes and the history of nuclear waste disposal because he’s got potatoes to harvest and he also hopes to be the first potato farmer in the White House. (George Washington already beat him to that, though one could point out that Washington never actually lived in the current White House.) While his wife (Ruth Buzzi) encourages everyone in town to take a stand against smut, Mayor Lane calls in a chemical safety engineer named Garcon Jones (Martin Landau) to investigate.
The Being is a bit of an oddity. On the one hand, the title character is grotesque and the scenes in which the creature attacks its victims are notably gory. On the other hand, the film has a strangely off-center sense of humor, starting with Bill Osco’s opening narration, which Osco delivers in the teeth-clenched rat-a-tat style of Rod Serling. Halfway through the film, the action stops so that Lutz can have a rather bizarre dream in which he sees Garcon fall out of an airplane while the mayor’s wife flies by on a broomstick with blood flowing from her eyes. This is the type of film in which the notably bloody conclusion is followed by satiric title cards that tell us what happened to each of the survivors. The Being is a horror film that seems to be cheerfully aware of its budgetary limitations and, as a result, it’s full of moments in which it seems to wink at the audience and say, “Hey, don’t worry so much. Sit back and have fun.”
For a low-budget, often poorly lit film about a killer mutant, The Being has an impressive cast. Dorothy Malone, Jose Ferrer, and Martin Landau were all Hollywood veterans and all three of them give admirably straight-faced performances in their smallish roles. (Ferrer and Malone won Oscars long before appearing in The Being. Landau won his Oscar a decade after.) Ferrer, in particular, does a good job of portraying the mayor’s irritation at having to actually deal with the people that he governs. I also liked the performance of Ruth Buzzi. Buzzi plays someone who should be very familiar to anyone who has ever lived in a small town, the person who has found a small amount of power and who is determined to never give up.
Low-budget aside, The Being is just odd enough to be watchable.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Welcome aboard. Don’t expect much from your cruise this week.
Episode 2.14 “Julie Falls Hard / Double Wedding / The Dummies”
(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)
Agck! It’s the most horrifying episode in the history of the Love Boat!
Your eyes do not deceive you. There are indeed two ventriloquists on this week’s cruise. Married entertainers Patti Harmon (Ruth Buzzi) and Michael Harmon (Sid Caesar) have been hired to amuse the ship’s passengers. Unfortunately, they’ve recently separated. Patti thinks that Michael is incapable of expressing his emotions unless he’s carrying around his dummy. And it turns out that she’s right because Michael really does carry that dummy around with him everywhere and he has frequent conversations with it. Even when Michael inevitably apologizes for being a bad husband and asks Patti for another chance, he has to use the dummy to do it.
Seriously, it’s creepy! I mean, everything works out in the end. Michael and Patti decide to give their marriage a second chance and their dummies end up kissing as well. But seriously, ventriloquist dummys are just weird. Have you seen that episode of The Twilight Zone where the guy tries to switch one dummy out for another so the original dummy gets mad and destroys his replacement? Have you seen the classic Anthony Hopkins film, Magic? CREEPY!
Of course, this episode features not just the scariest story in Love Boat history. It also features the stupidest. Two twins (Cyb Barnstable and Trish Barnstable) board the cruise with their fiancés (played by David Nelson and Fred Travelena). No one can tell the twins apart! Not even Isaac!
Anyway, the twins worry that they might be making a mistake because it seems like each one is marrying a man with the opposite personality. The twin who likes to stay up late is engaged to the man who goes to bed early. The twin who likes to be responsible and level-headed is engaged to man who is wild and unpredictable. So, when the twins disembark the boat so that they can get married in Mexico, they decide to switch places on their wedding day. But then when the twins return to the boat with their new husbands, they decide that they made a mistake so they switch back. They can do that because they’re twins! Seriously, that’s the entire story.
Bleh! This was so stupid. Even writing about it was painful.
Finally, Julie’s in love!
Jack Chenault (Tony Roberts) is taking the cruise with his two young daughters and, when he sees Julie, it’s love at first sight. The daughters wants their Dad to marry Julie as well. One of the daughters is played by a very young Melora Hardin, who would grow up to play Jan Levinson on The Office.
After knowing Julie for one day, Michael announces that he’s in love with her and he wants her to come live with him in Alaska. Julie is tempted but ultimately, she can’t leave her life on the boat behind. Jack is heart-broken but Julie promises to see him the next time that she’s in Alaska. So, I imagine we will never hear about Jack again.
This third storyline wasn’t bad. Especially when compared to the other two, it was actually sweet and rather touching. It helps that Tony Roberts gave a convincing performance Jack. That said, asking someone to marry you after only knowing them for one day? Unless you’re a young king looking to legitimize the Treaty of Troyes, that’s never a good idea.
This week’s cruise was not a good one. Hopefully, next week’s will be less scary and less dumb.
Now that I’ve fully recovered from the trauma of writing about Grease, let me tell you about a little movie from 1979. It’s a movie about teenagers, love, and competition. It’s also a movie about disco and some actors who had some extra time on their hands. It has a great soundtrack and the whole movie is pure 70s. It even features the debut performance of a future movie star!
What film am I talking about?
SKATETOWN, USA, of course!
But before I talk about the movie, check out the trailer. This is one of my favorite trailers of all time. It pretty much tells you everything that you need to know about the movie. There’s not a deceptive moment to be found in this preview:
Skatetown, U.S.A. is one of those movies that you watch and think, “This could only have been made in the 70s.” Remember how watching Hollywood High caused me to doubt whether or not the 70s were actually all they were cracked up to be? Well, Skatetown USA has renewed my faith! Skatetown is such a 70s film that I personally think someone should send me an honorary coke spoon to reward me for watching it.
(Maureen McCormick, who is best known for playing Marcia Brady and who had a small role in Skatetown, wrote in her autobiography that the main thing she remembers about Skatetown is all the cocaine on the set.)
Skatetown USA doesn’t really have a traditional plot. Instead, it’s a collection of “comedic” skits mixed in with roller skating performances and a nonstop soundtrack. There is not a second that music is not playing in the background and, for what appears to be a low-budget film, the soundtrack is truly impressive. Basically, almost every great disco song from the 1970s is heard at some point during Skatetown USA. (Even that “Boogie Nights” song that Paul Thomas Anderson was apparently not allowed to actually use in Boogie Nights! Imagine being the copyright holders who said yes to Skatetown but no to Paul Thomas Anderson…)
The film’s main character appears to be an unnamed DJ (Denny Johnston). The DJ wears a big white afro wig and is always dancing in his booth. Occasionally, he shoots a lightning bolt from his middle finger and suddenly, professional roller dancers appear and do a routine. At the end of the movie, he looks at the camera, says that it’s all a fantasy, and winks.
Skatetown is the most popular disco roller rink in town. Clean-cut teenager and all around nice guy Stan Nelson (Greg Bradford) wants to win Skatetown’s roller dancing contest. (The prize is $1,000 and a moped!) His best friend, Richie (Scott Baio), accompanies him and hopes to win a lot of money by betting on the outcome of the contest. Stan angrily reprimands him, “This isn’t the streets! This is Skatetown, U.S.A!”
That’s right — don’t mess with the good name of Skatetown!
Anyway, Stan’s actually a pretty good performer and he does this trick where he rides a skateboard while wearing roller skaters so you would think he would be a sure bet to win.
BUT NO!
The reigning Skatetown champion is Ace Johnson (Patrick Swayze, making his film debut) and we know that Ace is a bad guy because he wears all black and he occasionally snaps a whip while he’s rolling around! Ace isn’t above cheating to win but really he doesn’t have to cheat! Ace may be the bad guy but, seriously, he totally kicks ass while wearing roller skates. As soon as he rolls out there, you understand why he’s the reigning champion.
See, here’s the thing with Skatetown: We’re supposed to be rooting for Stan but Ace really is a hundred times better than him. There’s a reason why Patrick Swayze went on to have a career after Skatetown while Greg Bradford only has 8 credits on the imdb. Swayze, even in this silly role, had movie star charisma whereas Bradford — well, he’s comes across as a nice guy but there’s nothing special about him. Swayze, meanwhile, is dangerous and smoldering.
For instance, when Stan does his routine, his background music is The Village People singing “Macho Man” and you can’t help but snicker a little. Whereas, when Ace performs, his background music is a slightly menacing cover of Under My Thumb. Stan is the Village People. Ace is the Rolling Stones.
Anyway, the film might not be good in the traditional sense but I absolutely loved Skatetown, U.S.A. Why? Because it’s a total time capsule! Watching it is such a totally 70s experience that I was even tempted to get a frizzy perm, start wearing bell bottoms, and stop wearing a bra. Fortunately, the temptation passed but still, I enjoyed getting to use my cinematic time machine.
Add to that, the film itself is just so over-the-top and silly that … well, you can really believe that everyone involved in the movie was snorting mountains of cocaine in between takes. There’s not a subtle moment to be found in Skatetown, U.S.A. Instead, it’s all bright neon, loud music, flamboyant characters, silly melodrama, and corny humor.
(My personal theory is that Skatetown, U.S.A. was taking place in the same cinematic universe of A Clockwork Orange and it was showing what normal teenagers were doing while Alex and his droogs were seeking out the ultraviolence. The over-the-top design of Skatetown reminded me of the similar flamboyance of the Korova Milk Bar and the droogs’s bowlers and oversized codpieces weren’t that different from some of the costumes worn by the cast of Skatetown.)
Anyway, Skatetown is one of those films that everyone should see once. Unfortunately, because of all the music in the film, it’s never been released on DVD or Blu-ray and it probably never will be because life sucks. It is on YouTube, though it was recorded off an old VHS tape so the transfer is not the best.
Here’s Skatetown, USA:
One final note: Skatetown, USA was directed by the same William Levey who also directed Blackenstein, Hellgate, and The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington. It was written Nick Castle, who played Michael Myers in the original Halloween and directed a film that is well-liked by several of the writers here at the Shattered Lens, The Last Starfighter.
Through the Shattered Lens 