Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.23 “Man-Beast/Ole Island Opry”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, we learn something new about the Island.

Episode 4.23 “Man-Beast/Ole Island Opry”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on May 16th, 1981)

Did you know that Fantasy Island is home to a world-famous country music venue?

Yes, I’m talking about the Ole Island Opry!  Operated by Lottie McFadden (Anne Francis), the Ole Island Opry is a mainstay of the Island, even though it’s never been mentioned before.  Lottie says that everyone from Charley Pride to Hank Williams to Dolly Parton has played at the Ole Island Opry.

If you’re anything like me, you’re saying, “What the heck?”

I mean, seriously, why have we never heard of this place before?  How many country music fans live on the Island?  Why would established artists be so eager to play at a venue that’s sitting on an isolated island?  And how big is this Island anyway?  With the fishing village, the native villages, the downtown area that we see sometimes, the children’s side of the Island, the ancient castles, the isolated mansions, the Ole Island Opry, and all the magical portals, Fantasy Island has got to be at least the size of New Zealand.

These questions go unanswered, as usual.  Instead, the episode focuses on Charlie Rowlands (Jimmy Dean), who was an up-and-coming country music star until his wife died and he gave up stardom to raise his daughter, Jennie (Wendy Schaal).  Charlie is an old friend of Lottie’s and his fantasy is for Jennie to make her singing debut at the Ole Island Opry.

What Charlie doesn’t know is that Jennie has a fantasy of her own.  She wants her father to stop pressuring her to become a singer so that she can focus on her love of photography!  Mr. Roarke is able to grant both fantasies.  Jennie sings but is really bad and her father finally realizes that she’s not meant to be a country-western star.  Instead, Jennie asks her father to come up on stage and sing a song.  Charlie sings King of the Road and, despite being a bit older than the usual up-and-comer, he gets a recording contract.  He also wins the love of Lottie, who leaves the Island with him.  As for Jennie, she can now attend a Yankee art school without feeling guilty.  Yay!

Jimmy Dean gave a charming performance but otherwise, this fantasy was just silly.  Perhaps it would have worked if Charlie and his daughter had stepped into the past and found themselves in Nashville in the 40s but having Jennie make her debut (and farewell) at the “Ole Island Opry” just required a bit too much of a suspension of disbelief.  As well, Mr. Roarke has a habit of combining people’s fantasies without giving them any advance warning.  It always seem to work out okay but I still think Mr. Roarke is lucky that he hasn’t gotten sued by a guest who didn’t want to share their fantasy with anyone else.

The other fantasy featured David (David Hedison) and Elizabeth Tabori (Carol Lynley) coming to the Island in an attempt to cure David of a recurring nightmare that he’s been having, one in which Elizabeth and he are in a dark cave and Elizabeth is terrified of something.  Mr. Roarke quickly deduces that David is a werewolf.  David can be cured by a very rare plant.  Unfortunately, it will take the plant a few days to arrive so David will have to survive two full moons on Fantasy Island.

As with most of this show’s horror-themed fantasies, this fantasy was simple but fun.  The werewolf makeup was pretty basic but David Hedison poured himself into the role of the tortured David Tabori.  Fortunately, the magic flower arrives just in time to curse David of his ancestral curse.

As David and Elizabeth leave, Tattoo says that David must have been crazy because werewolves don’t exist.  Suddenly, Tattoo realizes that he’s turning into a werewolf.  Roarke has a good laugh as the end credits roll.

This week was another uneven trip to the Island.  It’s interesting that, even with a werewolf on the loose, everyone still braved the night to attend the show at the Ole Island Opry.  Fantasy Island is a strange place and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.1 “The Devil and Mandy Breem/The Millionaire”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, season 4 begins with …. THE DEVIL!

Episode 4.1 “The Devil and Mandy Breem/The Millionaire”

(Dir by Vince Edwards, originally aired on October 25th, 1980)

The fourth season of Fantasy Island opens with Mr. Roarke and Tattoo once again upset with each other.

When a man named Fred Catlett (Arte Johnson) wrote to Mr. Roarke and said that his fantasy was to become an instant millionaire, Roarke turned down his fantasy for …. reasons, I guess.  Seriously, becoming an instant millionaire sounds like a typical fantasy and I seem to remember that it’s one that Roarke has granted for other guests on the series.  I’m not sure why Roarke decided that poor, meek Fred Catlett was somehow unworthy of his fantasy.

For whatever reason, though, Roarke does turn down the fantasy.  So, imagine his surprise when Fred shows up on the island!  Tattoo explains that he decided to give Fred his fantasy.  Roarke tells Tattoo that he’ll receive no help and no money from him.  Tattoo is shocked and I’m wondering if this means that Fred will get a refund.  I mean, Fantasy Island is not cheap.  Actually, if Fred already had enough money to come to Fantasy Island, that does make his fantasy seem a little bit weird.  It seems like you have to be a millionaire to get your fantasy in the first place.

Roarke, I should add, is a hypocrite because he totally suspends the rules for this week’s other guest.  Mandy Breem (Carol Lynley) has come to the Island with her fantasy being that she wants the Island to save her life.  However, Mandy refused to explain all of the details of her fantasy until she came to the Island.  Roarke allows her to come, despite not knowing what she wants.  If Tattoo did something like that, Roarke would never let him hear the end of it.

So, what is Mandy’s fantasy?  A year ago, Mandy’s husband (Adam West) underwent a surgery.  Fearful of his life, Mandy made a deal with …. THE DEVIL!  She agreed that, if he saved her husband’s life, she would give up her soul in a year’s time.  Well, that year is coming to a close and Mandy has come to Fantasy Island, hoping that she can somehow get out of the deal.  The Devil (played by a dapper Roddy McDowall) has followed her and soon, Roarke must confront the Lord of Darkness for the sake of Mandy’s soul.

This is a really fun story, largely because the performance of Roddy McDowall as the devil.  Wearing a black suit and a white tie and delivering all of his lines with just the right mix of menace, sarcasm, and camp McDowall is the ideal trickster.  The smoky confrontation between Roarke and the Devil is the highlight of the episode, with both Montalban and McDowall both seeming to relish they drama of the moment.  Ricardo Montalban once said that, while the show’s producers wanted to keep Roarke as enigmatic as possible, he always envisioned Roarke as being a fallen angel who was doing his penance on Fantasy Island.  And, indeed, there is a hint of that in his confrontation with the Devil, with the show suggesting that this is neither the first nor the final time that the two shall meet.

As for the other fantasy, Tattoo’s solution is to steal a magic lamp and give it to Mike.  Mike rubs the lamp and wishes for a million dollars.  A briefcase full of money flies through the sky and lands in front of him.  Mike is convinced the magic worked but actually the briefcase was tossed out of a moving car and now, three thieves (Arlene Golonka, Ross Martin, and Joe Turkel) want their money back!  It all works out in the end.  Despite Roarke’s earlier refusal to grant Fred his wish, this was ultimately a typical Fantasy Island fantasy.  While it really couldn’t compete with Mr. Roarke facing off against the Devil, it did, at least, give Tattoo something to do.  One gets the feeling that this episode was specifically conceived so that both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize could get their chance in the spotlight without having to actually interact with each other.  And it works out wonderfully, with Tattoo’s silly antics providing a nice balance to the more dramatic stuff involving Mr. Roarke.

All in all, even if it’s obvious that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize were still not getting along behind the scene, this was a fantastic start for season 4!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, Fantasy Island goes to ancient Egypt!

Episode 3.22 “My Fair Pharaoh/The Power”

(Dir by George McCowan, originally aired on May 10th, 1980)

This week, Mr. Roarke welcomes two people with two very different fantasies.  Neither one of their fantasies really make much sense but you know Mr. Roarke.  He’s going to give the people what they want, unless he takes some sort of personal dislike to them.  Then, they’re totally going to get screwed.

Lucy Atwell (Joan Collins), for instance, has always fantasized about going back to ancient Egypt and living the life of Cleopatra.  Now, you may wonder why that is, seeing as how Cleopatra lost every man that she ever loved and was eventually killed by an asp.  But no matter!  Mr. Roarke sends Lucy into the past and Lucy quickly discovers that …. wait a minute!  She’s not Cleopatra!  Instead, she’s a part of the harem of Ptolemy (Michael Ansara)!  What the Hell, Mr. Roarke!?  What part of “I want to be Queen of Egypt” sounds like “I want to be a part of some old guy’s harem?”

However, Lucy does look exactly like the real Cleopatra and that might be useful, seeing as how the real Cleopatra is currently being held prisoner.  After a proper amount of royal training, Lucy fills in for Cleopatra and gets to meet and fall in love with Marc Anthony (Ron Ely).  When the real Cleopatra is killed by an asp, the fake Cleopatra gets to rule Egypt and it all works out nicely until …. the fantasy ends.

Oh well, it was a nice weekend.  Time for Lucy to go home except …. who is that waiting for the airplane?  Why, it’s Marc Anthony!  Except his real name is Eric Williams and apparently, he was just a guy living out a fantasy of his own.  He always wanted to know what it would be like to be Marc Anthony because who hasn’t fantasized about briefly ruling Rome and then being exiled and hounded to death by the forces of Augustus?  Anyway, Lucy finds her love and Joan Collins finally gets to play Cleopatra, the role that she was nearly awarded in 1960 before Elizabeth Taylor was selected instead.

Meanwhile, in the episode’s comedic fantasy, dorky Fred Webster (Larry Linville) wants to impress his girlfriend, Laura (Julie Sommars) by being telekinetic.  What?  Seriously, that’s how he wants to impress her?  I mean, it’s Fantasy Island!  Ask for a better job or a nicer car or something.  Anyway, Fred gets his power of telekinesis and uses it to cheat at gambling.  This brings him to the attention of Stephanie (Carol Lynley) and her goons.  When Fred realizes that Stephanie is evil, Stephanie has Laura kidnapped but she’s forgotten that Fred has telekinesis and can just mentally cause a fishing net to wrap up her and her men.  This was an extremely silly fantasy.  In fact, it was too silly for its own good, right down to the scenes where Fred’s eyes take on a green glow while he uses his powers.

This was a pretty forgettable episode but at least there were some nice costumes in the Egyptian fantasy.  Next week, season 3 comes to an end.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

The past two weeks of Fantasy Island saw Mr. Roarke getting married (and losing his wife) and Tattoo getting his heart broken.  Will this week’s episode be just as dramatic?  Read on to find out!

Episode 3.9 “The Dancer/Nobody’s There”

(Dir by Gene Nelson, originally aired on November 17th, 1979)

For the third week in a row, this episode of Fantasy Island features Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading straight to the docks so that they can meet their guests without making any time for any Roarke/Tattoo banter.  On the one hand, the scenes where Tattoo would tell Roarke about his latest scheme were always a bit awkward because of the obvious bad feelings between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize.  On the other hand, they did reveal that Tattoo had a life outside of just following around Mr. Roarke.  I will be a little bit sad if they’re gone forever.

As for this week’s fantasies, neither one adds up too much.

Big Jake Farley (Max Baer, Jr.) is a big, strapping cowboy who will tell anyone who will listen that he’s from “Big D.”  (“It’s a mite south of Heaven.”)  I’m from Big D too and I will admit that I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole “All Texans are cowboys” stereotype so I pretty much spent this entire fantasy in cringe mode.  Big Jake wants to meet Valeska de Marco (Carol Lynley), the ballerina whose hard work and perfectionism inspired him when he was just a penniless cowpoke.  Now that Big Jake is a wealthy rancher and oilman, he wants to marry Valeska and take her back to the ranch.  Unfortunately, Valeska is already engaged to Stuffy Q. Borington III (Howard Morton).  When Valeska suffers a career ending injury, will Big Jake be able to convince her to come open an acting school in Big D and will Mr. Roarke help everyone’s fantasy come true?

You already know the answer.  Everyone gets a happy ending on Fantasy Island, except for that time Mr. Roarke got married.

Eh.  Considering that this fantasy combined several of my favorite things — ballet, Texas, tropical islands — it’s a bit of a shock just how boring it turned out to be.  The main problem was that there was zero chemistry between Baer and Lynley.  Both of them came across as if they would rather be anywhere but on Fantasy Island.

As for the other fantasy, it featured Toni Tennille as Betty Foster, a former fast food worker turned private investigator.  Her fantasy was to solve a big case.  With Roarke’s help, Betty was hired by Contessa Christina Kastronova (Stepfanie Kramer) to accompany the Contessa to the reading her cousin’s will.  The Contessa felt her cousin had been murdered and she feared she might be next.  Betty pretended to be the Contessa during both the reading of the will and the subsequent night spent in a scary, dark house with all of the Contessa’s relatives.  Anyway, Dick Sargent turned out to be the murderer and Betty realized that she’d rather marry one of the Contessa’s relatives than continue on as a private eye.

As far as this fantasy went, I liked the scary house and I found the scene where Roarke and Tattoo debated which one of them should stay behind with Betty to be amusing.  (Tattoo, of course, ended up having to stay.)  But the mystery didn’t add up too much.  To be honest, as soon as Dick Sargent showed up, I knew he was going to be the bad guy.  I mean, I’ve seen Clonus.

Especially when compared to the previous two episodes, this episode was fairly forgettable.  Everyone got their fantasy but no one made much of an impression.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is just weird.

Episode 2.20 “Best of Friends/Aftermath/Dream Boat”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This cruise is all about excitement and letdowns.

For instance, Doc Bricker is super excited because his former mentor, Dr. Art Akers (Richard Anderson), is a passenger on the cruise.  But then Bricker is letdown when he discovers that, due to a traffic accident, Dr. Akers has lost his arm and can no longer practice medicine.  Bricker also discovers that Dr. Akers feels that Bricker has wasted his potential by taking a job as a cruise ship doctor.  As Dr. Akers puts it, Doc Bricker should be performing surgery and working in a hospital and not wasting his time dealing with seasick debutantes.  Obviously, we’re meant to feel that Dr. Akers is being unfair and Akers is definitely a jerk.  At the same time, it is really hard to think of very many times that this show actually showed Dr. Bricker doing anything other than hitting on the passengers.  I know that there was an episode where he delivered a baby and another where he performed surgery while at sea but, for the most part, Doc does seem to spend most of his time drinking at the bar and hanging out at the pool.

Anyway, Doc Bricker does get a chance to prove himself.  He notices that Akers’s wife, Laura (Diana Muldaur), appears to be hooked on the anti-anxiety pills that she’s been taking ever since the car accident that cost her husband his arm.  At first, Akers refuses to listen to Bricker but then Laura ends up stumbling around the ship in a daze and Akers is first to admit that his wife is a junkie and Doc Bricker is actually a doctor.  So, I guess that’s a happy ending to that story.

Carol Gilmore (Carol Lynley) is super excited when she boards the cruise because she’s going to finally meet the man who is engaged to her best friend, Gwen (Donna Pescow).  She’s also excited because a handsome passenger named Paul (Ben Murphy) hits on her as soon as he sees her.  However, she’s letdown when she subsequently discovers that Paul is Gwen’s fiancé!  Even after he learns that Carol is Gwen’s best friend, Paul asks Carol to meet him on the deck at midnight.  Carol does so and Paul tells her that he hit on her because he was feeling nervous about getting married but that he felt terrible and ashamed as soon as he did so and that hitting on Carol only reminded him of how much he loves Gwen.  Carol thinks that is the most romantic thing that she’s ever heard.  Gwen is far less impressed and she dumps both her fiancé and her best friend.  However, Gwen reconsiders when she later sees Paul dancing with Carol and she decides that she needs both of them in her life.

Finally, the crew is super excited when Captain Stubing is offered a job as the captain of the Lorelei, which is a legendary cruise ship.  Though they don’t want to lose him, they do want Stubing to be happy so they spend the entire cruise telling the Lorelei’s owner (Hans Conreid) about what a great guy the Captain is.  However, the Captain does not want to leave the Pacific Princess so he starts acting like a jerk in hope that the offer will be rescinded.  When the Lorelei’s owner announces that Stubing is such a great captain that he’ll hire him even if he is a jerk, Stubing is forced to finally admit that he doesn’t want the job.

This was a weird episode.  All of the stories felt as if they were only halfway written before filming started.  The stuff with Gwen, Carol, and Paul felt especially strange, as there was really absolutely no reason for Gwen to change her mind about taking Paul back, beyond the fact that the story had to resolve itself somehow.  The storyline about Dr. Akers was a bit more developed but Akers himself was such a jerk that it was hard to really care about him or his bitterness over Bricker having an enjoyable life.  As for Captain Stubing’s storyline, it required Stubing to act in ways that were totally out-of-character for him.  A Stubing who can’t speak his mind is not the Stubing that the viewers know.

Yeah, this was a weird cruise.  I’m just glad everyone made it back home.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles everyone!  Smiles!

Episode 2.11 “Carnival/The Vaudevillians”

(Dir by Georg Stanford Brown, Originally aired on December 2nd, 1978)

Tattoo has come up with a new way to become a millionaire!  He’s invented a sleeping bag that he claims can hold two people.  Mr. Roarke is a bit skeptical that the small roll of material that Tattoo is holding could possibly be big enough to hold two people.  Tattoo tells him that all he has to do is remove a key and the material will inflate.  Roarke removes the key and several feathers explode into the air.  Tattoo shrugs and says that he obviously has to get back to the drawing board.

“Inventor indeed,” Mr. Roarke says, in a tone that suggests that the only he reason he’s not physically killing Tattoo is because it’s time for them to greet their guests.

(Why is Tattoo always trying to make extra money?  Does Fantasy Island not pay well?)

This week, the fantasies are all about reliving the past.  Charlie Parks (Phil Silvers) and Will Fields (Phil Harris) used to be stars on Vaudeville but, like so many of the old time entertainers, they’ve now found themselves forgotten.  Charlie’s even been put in a nursing home.  Still, he manages to make the trip to Fantasy Island, where his fantasy is to be reunited with Will so that they can try to bring Vaudeville back to life.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work.  Tattoo loves their corny old jokes but when they perform for a larger audience, they only get a few pity chuckles.  Dejected, Charlie plans to return to his retirement home when he and Will are approached by a man who claims that he works for the city of Baltimore.  (Oh no!  Run!)  The man explains that he wants to hire Charlie and Will to perform at nursing homes, where their old-fashioned routines will enliven the golden years of people who don’t like loud music and R-rated movies.  Charlie and Will agree.  Yay!

Meanwhile, Dorothy Weller (Carol Lynley) is a woman who has spent the past few months in a coma.  Now, she’s not sure if the man she thought she loved really existed or if he was just someone she dreamed up while she was in the hospital.  Mr. Roarke arranges for her to travel to a recreation of the same Mexican town where she met the mystery man.  She finds her former lover, Tom Parnell (Stuart Whitman), on the beach.  Tom explains that he is real and he is in love with her.  He’s also a spy and there’s an international assassin (an appropriately sinister Luke Askew) after him!

This episode was kind of a mixed bag.  The Vaudeville fantasy featured charming performances from Phil Silvers and Phil Harris but their jokes were never quite as funny as Tattoo seemed to think that they were.  The spy fantasy was not helped by the casting of the reliably dull Stuart Whitman but the story itself was intriguing and Carol Lynley gave a believable and emotional performance as Dorothy.  The end result was a thoroughly pleasant but not altogether memorable trip to Fantasy Island.  But really, when it comes to Fantasy Island, hasn’t the appeal always been just how pleasant everything is?

Well, except for the relationship between Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, of course.  I still suspect Tattoo is secretly plotting to kill Mr. Roarke and take over the island.  Who knows?  Maybe that’ll be a future episode.  We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Reviews: The Elevator (dir by Jerry Jameson)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1974’s The Elevator!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Marvin Ellis (Roddy McDowall) hates his job.  He’s been assigned to be the manager of a new high-rise office building.  Parts of the building are still under construction but that hasn’t stopped the company that owns it from selling out office space.  When Mrs. Kenyon (Myrna Loy) comes by and asks to look at the top floor penthouse, Ellis agrees.  In public, Ellis is always friendly and always courteous.  It’s only under the most stressful of circumstances that Ellis reveals that he feels as if the building has been built of out lies and cheap material.

Ellis and Kenyon soon find themselves in a stressful situation when they are trapped in an elevator.  Of course, they’re not alone in the elevator.  There’s also Dr. Reynolds (Craig Stevens), his wife (Teresa Wright), and his mistress (Arlene Golonka).  And then there’s Robert Peters (Barry Livingston), a teenager who has inherited a fortune.  And finally, there’s Eddie Holcomb (James Farentino).  Eddie has a suitcase full of money that he’s stolen from an office in the building.  He’s also got a loaded gun.  And, perhaps worst of all, he has an intense fear of tight places.  The longer that he’s trapped in the elevator, the worse his claustrophobia becomes.

Because the building isn’t really finished yet, the elevator’s alarm button doesn’t really work.  Other than the passengers trapped inside, the only people who know about the stalled elevator are Eddie’s partners-in-crime.  Irene (Carol Lynley) is Eddie’s girlfriend and she just wants to get the situation resolved with as little violence as possible.  Pete (Don Stroud) is Eddie’s sociopathic friend.  Pete is not only determined to rescue Eddie and retrieve the suitcase.  He’s also determined to take care of any potential witnesses by killing everyone on the elevator.

The Elevator is a disaster film, along the lines of Airport and The Towering Inferno.  Due to the hubris of a faceless corporation, a group of people find themselves trapped in a potentially catastrophic situation.  Some of them react with bravery.  Some of them react with cowardice.  All of them get a chance to reveal a bit of who they are on the inside.  Some might say that being trapped in an elevator is not quite as bad being trapped in a fiery skyscraper or being a passenger on a airplane that’s being held hostage by a mad bomber.  Technically, they’re right but I am also going to admit right now that I absolutely hate elevators and I try to avoid them whenever I can.  I always say that this is because running up and down several flights of stairs is a good way to keep my legs looking good and certainly that’s part of it.  But an even bigger reason is that I dread the thought of being stuck in a confined space with a bunch of strangers.  If I was on an elevator that was stuck between floors, I would probably lose my mind.  I have a hard enough time just standing in line for longer than 3 minutes.  As directed by Jerry Jameson, The Elevator does as good job of capturing the feeling of being trapped in a small space.  It’s not a film to watch if you have claustrophobia.

As for the cast, Myrna Loy is a delight as the eccentric Mrs. Kenyon.  And seriously, how can you dislike any film that gives Roddy McDowall a monologue about how much he hates skyscrapers?  It’s an entertaining, if undemanding, film.  After watching The Elevator, I’ll keep taking the stairs.

Movie Review: Beware! The Blob (by Larry Hagman)


Everyone has one movie or two that hit them so hard it caused them to develop habits. It could be shaking your shoes to confirm no spiders are in them, counting the seconds after a lightning strike for the thunder, or checking the back seat of your car before you get into it, just in case. Some movies kind of imprint themselves on you in different ways.

Beware! The Blob (or Son of The Blob in some circles) was the most terrifying film I saw as a kid. I watched it in front of my grandmother’s living room tv that had a little alarm clock on the floor beneath it. Unlike Friday the 13th and Halloween, where I could rationalize my fears, Beware! The Blob had me fearing the summer and any open crevice we had. On any visits to our local video store (in the Pre-Blockbuster days), I’d pick out video games to rent and could see the box for the film in the horror section. I’d never walk over there, even in my early teenage years.

Most consider the 1958 original a Classic, and Chuck Russell’s 1988 update often goes toe to toe with John Carpenter’s The Thing on the Best Remakes list. Beware! The Blob will probably never make that list, but it’s not a total loss, given a recent rewatch. The film’s greatest strengths are in the casting and the special effects. From a cinema history/trivia standpoint, the film marks one of the earliest credits for Cinematographer Dean Cundey. Cundey worked as a 2nd Unit Cinematographer for the film, particularly with the animal shots in the opening and later on. That might not sound like much, but Cundey would go on to be picked by Debra Hill to help out on Halloween in 1978. From there, he had The Fog, Halloween II, The Thing, Romancing the Stone, Back to the Future, Big Trouble in Little China, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and Jurassic Park, to name a few.

With 14 years since the first film, there were some tech upgrades to how the blob was made. A large plastic balloon was used for some scenes (particularly the bowling alley sequences). Additionally, silicone was added to a drum to allow for the “blob pov” during the bowling alley sequences. In most sequences, a red dyed powder mixed with water was used. To make sure the audience was aware the Blob was close, a high whistle would sound, giving anyone with even the slightest bit of tinnitus some cause to look over their shoulder. Academy Award Winner Tim Baar (The Time Machine) and Conrad Rothmann worked on the effects, along with Cundey.

In his film directing debut, Larry Hagman (TV’s I Dream of Jeannie, Dallas) weaves a tale of horror lurking through a town peppered with parties, hobos, a boy scout team, an angry bowling alley owner, some dune buggy aficionados and a sheriff (Richard Webb, The Phantom Stagecoach) who’s a little confused about some of the events happening in town. To his credit, it’s amazing to see who Hagman assembled here, as he called in some friends to join in on the fun. Comedian Godfrey Cambridge. Cindy Williams, just a few years shy of American Graffiti. Gerrit Graham, about two years before Phantom of the Paradise. Sid Haig (The Devil’s Rejects) is here as well. You can even spot Hagman in the film as one of three hobos squaring off with the Blob. It should be noted that the other two hobos with him are Burgess Meredith (Clash of the Titans) and Del Close (Chuck Russell’s The Blob).

The film flows like it’s namesake, with some chapters having little do to with anything – Dick Van Patten’s boy scouts, while funny, could have had one of their scenes cut for speed. It’s not incredibly terrible, but it’s exactly great, either. Most of the script, written by Anthony Harris, was tossed with ad-libbing done on set. Despite all this, it does looks like the cast enjoyed themselves making the film. It has that going for it, at least.

Sid Haig was caught unaware in Larry Hagman’s Beware! The Blob

Chester, A construction worker from the Arctic (Cambridge) is getting his camping gear stowed away when his wife, Marlene (Marlene Clark, The Beast Must Die) discovers a thermos in their freezer. He explains he performed some work and brought home a piece of what the found in the Arctic. Setting it on a countertop, the couple forget about the thermos, which pops open. The newly released blob absorbs a fly and a kitten before moving on to larger prey. Before we know it, Chester is having problems with his TV – which happens to be playing the original 1958 movie – as it slithers into his favorite recliner. It’s a sequence that’s burned into my mind. I always check a chair before sitting in it. Some check for thumbtacks, I check for alien goo.

When Lisa (Gwynne Gilford, Masters of the Universe & actor Chris Pine’s Mom) discovers Chester with his new friend, she dashes out and heads to her boyfriend, Bobby (Robert Walker, Easy Rider). By the time the couple return to Chester’s place, they find the house empty. Can the couple convince the cops and the town of the danger ahead before it’s too late? Most of Beware! The Blob‘s scenes are set up in a way where people are completely oblivious of it until it’s touched them, causing said individual to slip and fall into the camera. The climax of the film takes place in a bowling alley, which is actually impressive for the techniques used, but even with the casting, you might spend more time laughing than anything else. Perhaps that’s my way of rationalizing the film years later.

At the time of this writing, Beware! The Blob is currently available to watch on the Plex streaming service. We’re also labeling this an Incident – out of respect to the kitten – and returning the timer to Zero.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 1.5 “Lady of the Evening/The Racer”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles!  It’s time for another trip to Fantasy Island, the most dramatic mystical island this side of Lost!  This week, we have three fantasies and Tattoo tries to grow mustache.

Episode 1.5 “Lady of the Evening/The Racer”

(Directed by Don Weis, originally aired on February 25th, 1978)

This episode begins with the bell ringing and Tattoo yelling that the plane is arriving.  Before Mr. Roarke and Tattoo drive off to greet the plane, Mr. Roarke tells Tattoo to wash his face because he has what appears to be a smudge on his upper lip.  Tattoo explains that he’s growing a mustache because all of the world’s great lovers (including, Tattoo says, Burt Reynolds) have mustaches.  Tattoo’s effort to grow a mustache is a running joke through this episode of Fantasy Island.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well for him.  Eventually, he resorts to using shoe polish.  By the end of the episode, Tattoo finally washes his face and presumably returns to doing whatever it is that he actually does on the island.

As for the fantasies….

Renee Lansing (Carol Lynley) is a high-priced New York “call girl” who just wants to take a vacation some place where no one knows what she does for a living.  At first, the fantasy seems to be going well.  She even meets a nice guy named Bill (Paul Burke).  But then, on the tennis court — OH MY GOD, IT’S ONE OF HER CUSTOMERS!  Renee runs off to Mr. Roarke’s office and demands her money back.  Mr. Roarke tells her that she’s not being honest with herself about what her fantasy actually is.  At this point, I was really wondering what one goes through when one signs up to Fantasy Island.  I assume some sort of agreement has to be signed.  Does the agreement actually state that Mr. Roarke gets to decide what your fantasy actually is?  Renee’s fantasy was to not be recognized.  She’s been recognized.  GIVE HER BACK HER MONEY, ROARKE!

Anyway, it all turns out for the best.  Bill reveals that he also knows who Renee is (GIVE HER BACK HER MONEY!) but he doesn’t care because he’s secretly been in love with her for years and apparently, it was his fantasy to be reunited with her.  Good for Bill but Renee still didn’t get her fantasy.  Someone needs to introduce her to a good lawyer.

Meanwhile, Jack Kincaid (played by the master of overacting, Christopher George) is a race car driver who has never mentally recovered from a serious crash.  His fantasy is to reexperience the crash so that he can get back his confidence.  Mr. Roarke goes through a lot of trouble to build an exact replica of the race track on which Jack crashed.  He even brings Jack’s mechanic, Corky (Alan Hale, Jr.), to the island.  Fortunately, Jack’s wife (Carol Lawrence) convinces Jack that he has nothing to prove.  So, Jack doesn’t get his fantasy but he does become a better person.

Did anyone get their fantasy this week!?  Actually, Mr. Brennan (Jerry Van Dyke) did.  Mr. Brennan shows up in one scene and tells Roarke that he loved his fantasy, which was apparently to play tennis without having to deal with his wife nagging him …. wait, what?  That’s the fantasy that Roarke actually honors?

I’m starting to think Fantasy Island might be a scam!  We’ll find out more next week, I guess.

Horror on the Lens: The Night Stalker (dir by John Llewelyn Moxey)


For today’s horror on the lens, we have a real treat!  (We’ll get to the tricks later…)

Long before he achieved holiday immortality by playing the father in A Christmas Story, Darren McGavin played journalist Carl Kolchak in the 1972 made-for-TV movie, The Night Stalker.  Kolchak is investigating a series of murders in Las Vegas, all of which involve victims being drained of their blood.  Kolchak thinks that the murderer might be a vampire.  Everyone else thinks that he’s crazy.

When this movie first aired, it was the highest rated made-for-TV movie of all time.  Eventually, it led to a weekly TV series in which Kolchak investigated various paranormal happenings.  Though the TV series did not last long, it’s still regularly cited as one of the most influential shows ever made.

Anyway, The Night Stalker is an effective little vampire movie and Darren McGavin gives a great performance as Carl Kolchak.

Enjoy!