I knew that I had to review an Alex Magana film. Afterall, he makes them … on purpose and I’m sure that I’ve been wrong about things … maybe? But, not these films. This is going to be terrible because you can’t fix this, but we’ll get through this together. Maybe.
A woman is taking the elevator in a parking garage, but all of the buttons are pressed. Every time the door opens, who’s there – yep, Elevator Man. He appears to be Amish. He’s aggressively Amish; for real, check out this Amish vibe. Maybe, Rumspringa took a dark left turn?
I think you can survive Elevator Man, if you just throw a zipper at him; he’ll be confounded for weeks…weeks!
She sees him on every floor. She gets to the 5th floor and he’s waiting for her; so, she goes to the roof and he’s now in the elevator and really slowly grabs her like really slowly. You could’ve just walked to your car and he’d be like “A Car?”. Then, you drive away to safety and he goes back to selling well-made furniture.
Like New is another short film from High Low productions, which specializes in terrible short films. I can only imagine the business plan! They also made The Call … on purpose.
The protagonist is dressing up his mannequin and then taking photos. Out of nowhere, she now has her arms up. Oh No! The mannequin is also now moving on her own or at least sliding. Then, the mannequin puts the Whammy on him; so, he becomes a mannequin! The ending is fair because he did not say, No Whammies!
Uh Oh, she forgot to say, No Whammies!
Like New will hopefully get us to a world without Whammy-related tragedy!
Why am I supposed to care about this woman? Ok, she lives alone and she ordered food. Maybe, the guy delivered the food to the inside of her house. But how? She was at the door and there was no way he could’ve gotten past her and she didn’t have headphones on.
Is he a ghost delivery driver? If so, score! No tip! I’m not tipping a dead guy and neither should you. I think that I’m going to review AI again because people are really disappointing me!
Momo is a home movie short; in fact, I have the same fridge. The short is straight forward- beginning, middle, and an end. A man hears a noise, gets a baseball bat, and jump scare.
I know some of you are gonna be like- Case, this is barely a film. I respond with “Relax”; he’s got some talent and he’s trying to make art. Also, it’s A LOT better than some that have a budget …. of any kind. Think on this, he made this with no budget and it had a clear story and payoff- that’s storytelling. I hope he tries to make something longer with a developed plot.
No, I have not gone soft. If it were bad, I’d say so- it’s fun.
Ethan, the creator, never makes title cards and I find that… just ughhhhh, but the films are kinda … okay. I am reviewing this short because it was his most watched and he deserves to be judged by his best work; so, here we go!
This is NOT good, but people liked it; in fact, 500,000 people liked it. I want them to know that I am VERY disappointed in them and they will just have to live with that!
The short is voice over with AI Cthulhus that have taken over the Earth because we sent out messages into space to find us. Really, that is the whole film.
I know that AI films aren’t for everyone, but I’m convinced now that they are the future. To my actor, writer, director, and producer friends, you need to get on board or be left behind. Yes, they are aggressively mediocre today, but they didn’t even exist three years ago. Three years from now, there will be feature films written and self-distributed in a weekend. AI film is evolving and will soon surpass current film. The difference between the films I reviewed last year to this year is a quantum leap.
“Don’t Go to Wolf 1069” is actually pretty good. It has a beginning, middle, and an end. It has a clear story with distinct characters and, most importantly, suspense. Worth noting, Wolf 1069 is an actual star that likely has an planet in the habitable zone. Also, I actually cared that the protagonists were in peril- that is new for an AI film.
“Don’t Go to Wolf 1069” has an “Alien” vibe. It’s a group of surveyors going to an alien planet to find minerals for corporations to exploit and they discover murderous creatures. Okay, that is the exact plot of “Alien”, but this is a little different because the aliens are …. wait for it…. HUMANS… sorta. I give credit to the writer because using an actual star and planet helps anchor the story with some realism. The film is flawed- the characters don’t use each others names enough and there isn’t a lot of character development, but that could be resolved if it were a feature length film. The leader, Xu, is the only character with a clear personality and the only other memorable character who has a personality, in that he is horny and English, goes missing almost immediately.
Back to the plot. the group goes around the alien planet and finds evidence of cities, roads, and worship sites. They get separated and the remaining crew investigate the ruins, but discover that the bones are human-lite. They are, in fact, Neanderthals’ who we are to believe 1) ate us (not true), 2) were more advanced (unlikely), and 3) fled earth ages ago using their awesome spaceships (really?). The crew searches for their lost horny comrade and finds him – well, what’s left of him. His flesh was ripped from his bones and the remains were crucified; so, that’s bad. Therefore, the crew decides to flee for their lives and hopefully not lead the Neanderthals’ back to Earth.
With some work, this could be a feature length film. Producers need to figure out how to co-opt this creativity or they will be obsolete.
He didn’t make a title card; so, I don’t have to either! Take that, Ethan! This is your run of the mill interstellar space craft crashes on an unknown alien planet and they wander around and get eaten.
Have none of these people ever gone hiking? There is dangerous stuff right here on planet Earth that should make you wary!
If you are ever on a space craft that crashes and you see bizarre abandoned stuff everywhere, don’t investigate like you’re in an 80s horror movie.
Last year, I reviewed A LOT of AI horror films and yes…most were terrible. It is sad that these films exist and someone spend time making them. However, there are some that are not the worst.
“They Have Awakened” by Ethan is a super short film on Antarctic explorers who find a cave that is just chock full of Cthulhu…Cthulhus(?)…Cthulhossiers(?). Cthulhossiers are like other Cthulhus, but they’re mostly into college hoops.
The explorer team finding Cthulhus is essentially a sub-genre; the stories are always the same, BUT some times the rendering is slightly better. I am actually tired of explorers continuing to unleash Cthulhus- can’t they be like the other Antarctic scientists that I’ve met and just turn to alcoholism and amphetamines?
The film is aggressively mediocre, but it’s only 4 minutes and change; so, have an oat-forward pancake and spend four minutes watching.
This movie should be called- Thank Goodness, my friends are all dead!
I don’t always hope for the death of comrades, but when I do I drink… well, it’s Pellegrino…
“The Devil’s Mouth” is a movie that looks more expensive that it is and that is actually a signature of the producer/director Jeff Wadlow. He budgets his films to have nothing left at the end; so, it looks like a studio film, but it was only 3.5MM.
If you’re trying become a filmmaker on a budget, watch an interview with Jeff Wadlow below.
This was a great way to begin my Horrorthon because I got to start it with Lisa. My regular readers know that Horrorthon films are a mixed bag, AT BEST. There are movies that don’t take themselves seriously and just have fun, there are short films that are masterworks, and there are Alex Magana films that strain my belief in humanity’s ability for redemption.
“The Devil’s Mouth” takes place in Thailand and Sara McKenna (Kathryn Newton) is on an caving trip with her MANY toxic friends. Five minutes into the film and the friends are all snorkeling; unfortunately, Sara decides to snorkel too, but her terrible friends mix themselves up and boat off and leave her behind “47 Meters Down” style. Then, she gets attacked by jellyfish and gets actual wounds. Her most toxic friend Max (Lana Condor) doesn’t even apologize. Max’s main personality trait is that she bosses people around the whole movie (badly) and gets most of the group killed.
Sara needs a tough love friend or dad to say, “Look, you’re comin home or I’ll meet you there. Leave that trash behind!”
Also, why are these 20 somethings going caving in the first place and not wanting to just drink and sleep around…ON LAND?! You’re in Thailand! You all should be trying create some souped up version of HPV.
Sara and her terrible friends go to this cave system that was flooded with salt water and it looks super creepy and Max demands the group ignore the guide and go in the evil cave system. It is really amazing that Max and her friends have lived as long as they have. They can barely swim, they have claustrophobia, relationship issues, and Max, the toxic garbage person, leading them.
Because the cave was flooded with salt water, bull sharks have come into the cave system and start eating them all. Unfortunately, Max stubbornly continues to live until the final 15 minutes. Sara valiantly fights off sharks and risks her life to try to keep the body count down, but the sharks just want it more!
There is cocaine. There are shark movies. There are shark movies that appear to be written whilst on cocaine. Maybe the writer is a straight up teetotaler; in which case, he has no excuse for what he brought forth. Alex Magana is horrible, but you get what you signed up for: smiling woman- there’s a smiling woman. His movies are terrible, but they deliver- terrible terrible stories. Lone Star Shark was like watching a big box store of jumbled ideas with Great Value props.
This movie clocked at 65 minutes and had the following plot threads: relationship on the skids, mental illness, sibling suicide, computer hackers, random parable quoting evil people in suits, a ghost, repeated discussions of couples weekend day trip planning, and a paper mâché shark. There was nothing to indicate that there were even in Texas; so, that was not one of the many many plot threads. It also took near a third of their 65 minute runtime to get on the water. The water was a pond- a small pond. For some reason, they were docked on shore and you could see that from the camera angle, but they kept shouting how they had to swim across the “lake”. Why? Just get out and walk home. It’s not like the paper mâché shark that was basically a poorly made pinata (credit to Lisa for seeing that) could’ve followed them home.
I guess that I will stick to the shark plotline because the others were just a mess. There’s a paper mâché pinata shark in a pond that has a really hard time eating people. I think that the time on the water was – at most – 40 minutes. The movie had no idea what it was and the shark was really an add-on the many story lines that were like a bowl of mixed up spaghetti. There’s not a lot to say about this strange movie.
