Original Sin”

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s time for the fashion festival!

Episode 4.25 and 4.26 “This Year’s Model/The Model Marriage/Vogue Rogue/Too Clothes for Comfort/Original Sin”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on May 2nd, 1981)

This week, the Love Boat sails to Acapulco for the International Fashion Festival! Vicki, who hopes to grow up to be a fashion designer, is excited about meeting her idols. Doc, Gopher, and Isaac are excited about the models. Captain Stubing starts the cruise by reminding everyone to do their job for once. It’s about time Stubing told them that. Does Doc even keep office hours anymore?

This one of those two-hour episodes of The Love Boat that gets chopped into two episodes for syndication. As such, it’s double-sized, with twice as many guest stars and the boat actually sailing to Acapulco during filming. That doesn’t mean that the storyline are any more complicated than usual on this episode. Despite being longer then usual, the episode follows the usual Love Boat pattern. The extra time is largely taken up with a travelogue of Mexico (watch as a limo very slowly drives to a luxury hotel!) and the fashion show.

Fashion designers Gloria Vanderbilt, Bob Mackie, Halston, and Geoffrey Beene all appear as themselves. They’re listed as guest stars but they don’t actually do anything other than board the ship and then show off their designs. They don’t find love on the boat, nor do they search for it. (Well, Halston probably did….) Interestingly enough, none of them — not even the famous Halston — has much of a screen presence and in the scene where they introduce themselves to the crew, they’re all so stiff that it is somewhat difficult to watch. It’s obvious that none of them were actors but it’s also interesting to consider that there was a time when someone could be internationally famous without being a natural on camera.

There are also a few fictional designers on the cruise. They’re the one who actually have storylines. Harvey Blanchard (Dick Shawn) is not aware that his daughter, Mandy (Debra Clinger), has married his nerdy assistant, Alvin Beale (Richard Gilliand). Mandy wants Alvin to tell her father that they re married during the cruise but first, Alvin is going to have to figure out what to do after he accidentally dumps some designer clothes down a laundry chute and they end up shrinking in the dryer. (“Have you ever considered designing children’s clothing?” Alvin asks his boss.)

Benita James (Elke Sommer) is an “up-and-coming” fashion designer who falls in love with Sidney Sloan (Mike Connors), despite the fact that he’s an industrial spy who has been hired to steal her designs. Sid falls in love with Benita as well and decides that he can’t betray her. But when Sid’s partner (Steve Franken) ransacks Benita’s cabin, will Sid be able to convince her that he wasn’t involved?

Charles Paris (Robert Vaughn, looking somewhat embarrassed) is a cosmetics tycoon who boards the boat looking for the new Ms. Paris, the model who will be the face of his company. Will he pick Liz(Morgan Brittany) the model with whom he is falling in love, or will he pick Joanne Atkins (Carmilla Sparv), the model who has been told that, since she’s now over 35, her career is over?

Speaking of Joanne, she falls in love with Captain Stubing and Stubing falls in love with her. Meanwhile, the married heads of her modeling agency (Anne Baxter and McClean Stevenson, who looks almost as embarrassed as Robert Vaughn) argue over whether or not Joanne is too old to continue on as a model.

Julie is excited because her former sorority sister, Melissa (Cristina Ferrare), is a model on the cruise. Julie can’t wait to spend the whole cruise with her but Melissa meets and falls in love with Larry (Chris Marlowe). When Melissa and Larry run off to get married, Julie takes her friend’s place in the fashion show.

And really, the fashion show is what this episode is all about. The stories aren’t particularly important. We’re here for the clothes!

Bob Mackie starts things off with a really cute collection of lingerie and pajamas, which happen to be my favorite things to wear. I loved his collection.

Gloria Vanderbilt follows with sporty summer fashion, and watching her collection, I found myself wanting to go play tennis with my neighbors.

Geoffrey Beene follows with a collection of plaid suits that will be familiar to anyone who has ever binged a 70s sitcom.

“Up and comer” Benita James presents a collection of truly hideous cocktail dresses.

And Halston closes things out with evening wear. “Red is my favorite color,” Halston says, “It’s so fun.” This redhead appreciates the sentiment, even if it was kind of obvious that Halston didn’t bring his top designs on the cruise with him.

As the highlight of the episode, the fashion show was definitely entertaining though. it was impossible not to smile at just how ugly Benita James’s designs actually were. Seriously, someone went to the trouble to hire two industrial spies to steal those designs?

As for everything else, it all works out. This is The Love Boat. Everything always works out. Charles Paris announces that the new Ms. Paris will be Joanne but then he asks Liz to be “Mrs. Paris.” Sid and Benita decide to get married as well. Captain Stubing gets to have sex for once. I think that may be the first time that’s happened since this show started. Julie enjoys modeling. Everyone either finds love or decides not to get divorced. That’s a successful cruise!

This cruise was fun in its silly way. Bob Mackie definitely won the fashion show. Though the designers may not have been comfortable on camera and McClean Stevenson looked like he was on the verge of jumping overboard from embarrassment, this was The Love Boat at its most entertaining.

Horror Book Review: Bats Out Of Hell by Guy N. Smith

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“You think those are bats?” someone said as we all stood out on the balcony of a hotel in the mountains of Switzerland.

I was 18 years old, a recent high school graduate who was spending my summer in Europe with my sisters. We were in Switzerland and had just eaten dinner at our hotel. I had stepped out onto hotel’s balcony, joining several other tourists who were looking up at the evening sky. The sky was was full of shadowy, winged creatures that seemed to be circling the hotel. As I stared up at the creatures and listened to the people around me wonder what they could be, I thought to myself that they very well could be bats. That freaked me out a little. Growing up in the Southwest, I had seen my share of bats. I’ve seen bats get trapped in garages. I’ve seen bats come flying out of tunnels. I’ve never been attacked by a bat. In fact, you have to be pretty obnoxious to attract the attention of a non-rabid bat. But that doesn’t make the sight of them any less frightening or the thought of them sucking your blood any less alarming.

We all stood out on the balcony, staring up at the bats and wondering if we were about to be attacked.

“Those are definitely bats,” someone else said, “Is it safe to be out here?”

By this point, my sister Megan had come out onto the balcony in order to make sure that I hadn’t fallen off.

“What’s everyone looking at?” she asked.

“Those are bats!” an old woman exclaimed, pointing at the sky.

“Those are birds,” Megan replied.

The “bats” chirped in agreement.

I found myself thinking about that Swiss evening as I read the 1978 horror paperback, Bats Out Of Hell. This novel opens with Professor Brian Newman developing a new virus as part of an attempt to find a cure for Meningitis. Unfortunately, he has tested his virus on a bunch of bats at the laboratory and now, they’ve all become increasingly aggressive. Since the virus also appears to ultimately be fatal to the bats, Newman can’t help but feel guilty about what he’s putting the bats through. Even though he’s told he just be happy that the bats are going to die eventually, he can’t stop thinking about their accusatory stare. He knows that the bats blame him and well they should!

An argument with his girlfriend leads to Brian falling and accidentally setting free all of the infected bats. The bats swarm across the British countryside, attacking everyone that they see and spreading the virus. The government reacts by declaring martial law and trying to isolate the bats to one city. Soon, rioters are taking to the streets and vigilantes are enforcing their own violent interpretation of the law.

That’ll teach humanity to try to cure Meningitis!

Bats Out Of Hell is a pulpy read, one that works because bats are scary and author Guy N. Smith keeps the action moving quickly. The novel is at its best when envisioning a world where fear of disease has led to mass panic and a suspension of civil rights. Hmmm …. why does that seem so familiar? It’s amazing how science fiction can eventually become science fact.

October True Crime: Ripper’s Revenge (dir by Steve Lawson)

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Taking place in Victorian-era London, 2023’s Ripper’s Revenge tells the story of Sebastian Stubb (Chris Bell.)

Sebastian Stubb is a journalist, writing stories for one of the many sleazy tabloids that keep the people of London in a state of constant agitation. Just a few months ago, things were going well for Stubb and his fellow reporters. Jack the Ripper was terrorizing the city and sending bloody letters to both the police and the newspaper. Every day, there was a new detail to be reported and a new panic to stoke. Stubb and his colleagues left London obsessing over the crimes and the motivation of the mysterious Jack the Rippe, to such an extent that Stubb now feels that his reporting probably inspired more murders than it stopped.

Jack the Ripper’s killing spree has come to an apparent end and the Ripper himself has disappeared, though Londoners still continue to speculate about who he could have been. (In real life, the police rather infamously claimed that an obscure lawyer named Montague Druitt was the murderer but there really wasn’t much evidence for that, beyond the fact that the murders appear to have ended at the same time that Druitt committed suicide. Personally, I suspect that the assassin was an American con artist named Francis Tumblety, who fled back to America shortly after the final murder was committed.) Stubb is now struggling financially. While his girlfriend, Iris (Rachel Warren), walks the streets just as the victims of Jack the Ripper once did, Stubb searches for the next big story.

Then, one day, Stubb gets a letter. The letter is from someone claiming to be Jack the Ripper. The writer apologizes for having not written sooner and then tells Stubb that his latest victim can be found in a warehouse. Though believing the letter to be a hoax, Stubb goes to the warehouse and discovers a dead prostitute. At the same time, Stubb is himself discovered by the London police and is hauled off to jail.

Now, at this point, I should mention that Ripper’s Revenge is a sequel to a film called Ripper Untold. That film also featured Chris Bell as Stubb and apparently, it featured him investigating the original Ripper murders. I point this out because I haven’t seen Ripper Untold, so I don’t know how directly Ripper’s Revenge follows the story from the first film. It doesn’t really matter, though, This is a case where you can follow the sequel’s plot without having seen the original.

We know Stubb is not the Ripper but who is? Because this is a low-budget film, there really aren’t that many suspects. Inspector Wingate (Carl Wharton) seems to have a nasty puritanical streak. Junior reporter Lenny (Rafe Bird) seems to be almost too eager to help out Stubb. And even Iris seems to be really excited about the idea of the murders starting again, if just so Stubb can make more money. Who is the murderer? I won’t spoil it, beyond to say that the ending has so many twists that it almost starts to feel like a parody of a surprise ending.

That said, this low-budget and rather talky film is actually surprisingly effective. Bell, Warren, Wharton, and especially Rafe Bird all give excellent performances and the film really does capture the claustrophobic desperation of living on the fringes of acceptability, (This is a case where both the low budget and the limited amount of locations really work to the film’s benefit.) The discussion about whether or not the Ripper would have existed without the press shows that this film has more on its mind than just exploiting the crimes of history’s first celebrity killer. As I said, the ending is a twisty one and it doesn’t quite make sense but things rarely do when it comes to Jack the Ripper.

Horror Film Review: Terror of Mechagodzilla (dir by Ishiro Honda)

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Megchagodzilla has returned!

The robot version of Godzilla, Mechagodzilla made his debut in 1974’s Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla. In that film, it was revealed that Mechagodzilla was built and controlled by a bunch of aliens who wanted to use him to subjugate humanity so that the aliens could take over the Earth. The real Godzilla put an end to those plans, not only saving the world from an alien invasion but also tossing Mechagodzilla into the ocean.

Unfortunately, it would appear that Godzilla didn’t do a good enough job taking care of his robotic counterpart because, in 1975’s Terror of Mechagodzilla, the aliens are able to resurrect Mechagodzilla and they once again sent it out to destroy humanity, starting with Japan. Working with the aliens is a mad scientist named Dr. Mafune (Akihko Hirata). Mafune’s daugther, Katsura (Tomoka Ai0), is a cyborg who has a mechanical and mental connection to Mechagodzilla. Whenever her eyes glow, Mechagodizlla does something destructive. The aliens team Mechagodzilla up with a new monster, the fearsome Titanosaurus.

Mechagodzilla and Titanosaurus work together to once again destroy Japan and it must be said that they appear to be quite capable of doing just that. Say what you will about the special effects in these films, the scene where Mechagodzilla blows up an entire city block does pack a punch. If Mechagodzilla is laser-focused on blowing stuff up, Titanosaurus just seems to be looking for a fight with someone. Titanosaurus is a very enthusiastic monster, like a previously bullied kid who has just hit a growth spurt and now can’t wait to beat up everyone on the playground. Eventually, Godzilla shows up to give Titanosaurus the fight that he’s looking for.

This film is one of the ones where Godzilla is firmly established as being humanity’s champion. The atomic beast who once represented the trauma of the nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki is now a friend to all humans. That said, it’s hard not to notice that it takes Godzilla a while to actually show up. He allows Mechagodzilla and Titanosaurus to blow up a lot of buildings and probably kill a lot of people before he finally puts in an appearance and orders them to stop. It’s nice that Godzilla showed up in time to save a group of children from Mechagodzilla but you have to wonder how many of those children are now orphans because Godzilla wasn’t willing to do anything while Mechagodzilla was blowing up apartment buildings.

The majority of this film centers not on Godzilla but instead on some Interpol agents who are trying to figure out what the professor and the aliens are planning on doing. (To me, it seemed pretty obvious that the aliens were planning on using a bunch of giant monsters to destroy humanity but maybe Interpol had some information that I didn’t.) The agents do eventually manage to track down the aliens and the professor. There’s some sub-James Bond style action as the agents attack the evil lair. Despite everything that Interpol does in this film, it’s obvious that Godzilla is man’s only hope.

This was the last of the original Godzilla films. After this film came out, it would be nearly ten years before the monster was revived and returned to once again being a threat to humanity as opposed to being a friend. Sadly, Terror of Mechagodzilla doesn’t feature enough giant monster action. When the monsters are onscreen and fighting, this movie is a lot of fun. Godzilla’s visible frustration with having to deal with Mechagodzilla again is very endearing. Unfortunately, the majority of the film gets bogged down with the humans searching for the bad guys and trying to figure out their extremely simple plot. In the end, the movie leaves the viewer thankful for Godzilla but also frustrated that he didn’t get more to do.

Previous Godzilla Reviews:

Horror Film Review: You’re Not Alone (dir by Eduardo Rodriguez)

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh, screw this.

About fifty minutes into this movie, an adorable calico kitty cat is killed for no good reason. We’re not supposed to care because the cat belonged to an annoying neighbor, the cat had a silly name (Mr. Nibbles, though considering that the cat’s a calico, it really should have been named Ms. Nibbles), and the cat was trespassing in the main character’s house. But, to tell you the truth, I’ve had it with movies that feature animals being killed for nothing more than shock value. Don’t get me wrong. I know that cat wasn’t really killed and the cat’s owner probably got paid for her services but I’ve seen so many movies with so many dead pets that it just feels lazy at this point.

As for the rest of the film, it tells the story of Emma (Katia Winter) and her daughter, Isla (Leya Catlett). Emma, a recovering alcoholic and a recent widow, has recently gotten custody of Isla. They live in a gigantic house, one that I’m not sure how Emma affords on her salary as a waitress. While Emma tries to bond with the uncommunicative Isla, strange things start to happen around the house. Doors seem to open and close on their own. The home security system keeps going off. Things keep disappearing. People keep disappearing. Isla starts to talk about “the lost ghost” who apparently lives in her closet. Isla explains that the lost ghost is “always here” and he’s always watching Emma. Along with the ghost, Emma is haunted by memories of her past and an obsessive stalker who keeps showing up at inopportune moments.

You’re Not Alone actually gets off to a good start. Haunted house films are almost always effective because everyone can relate to them. We’ve all had the experience of lying in bed and wondering if someone is wandering around outside or if the sounds are just in our imagination. You don’t even have to live in a house to have that fear. Even when you’re living in an apartment, things get creepy once you turn out the lights, Katia Winter gives a good and sympathetic performance as Emma and you’re on her side from the minute you see her having to deal with a snooty woman at the custody hearing. The early scenes of Emma trying to keep calm and do her best even while her life seems to be falling apart are the best in the film.

But You’re Not Alone loses its way as it continues. The cat dies. A visit to a church feels like it was lifted from a hundred other horror films. Emma’s best friend disappears in the closet but Emma never seems to notice her absence and Isla, who witnessed the disappearance, never mentions it to her. A bunch of flies invade the house because someone’s seen The Amityville Horror. The film commits the unpardonable sin of getting boring and a sudden twist ending can’t change that fact.

Call it the Curse of Mr. Nibbles. Kill the cat and your film falls apart.

Horror Film Review: X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes (dir by Roger Corman)

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

X: The Man With The X-Ray Eyes (1963, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Floyd Crosby)

Eyes. They’re one of the most important parts of our body but they’re also frightening easy to damage. Unlike the heart or the liver or the brain, they don’t have a protective covering of skin and bone. They sit exposed and are easily injured. They can be ripped out of one’s head, which is a scary thought. As well, they tend to grow weaker over time. I love my multi-colored eyes and I think they’re one of my best features but I still spend a lot of time wishing that they weren’t quite as vulnerable as they are. I often say that I’m blind without my contacts or my glasses. That’s not quite true, of course. I can see enough to get by if I forget to put in my contacts but I still have to do a lot of squinting, enough so that most people can take one look at me and say, “You forgot to put in your contacts, didn’t you?” In my case, my eyesight has definitely gotten even worse over the past few years. I’ve been told that’s normal but it still freaks me out. I worry about waking up one day and not being able to see anything at all.

Director Lucio Fulci, a diabetic who was slowly going blind during the final years of his life, was infamous for including scenes of eyes being either pierced or gouged out in his films. The New York Ripper even featured one scene where an eye was slit in half with a razor blade. (This occurred in a close-up, no less!) In Joe D’Amato’s Beyond the Darkness, there’s a scene where a mad taxidermist replaces the eyes of his dead fiancée with glass and for me, that’s one of most disturbing elements of the film. Horror directors understand the vulnerability of the eyes and the sadness when life is extinguished from those eyes. Eyes are said to be the windows to soul and when those eyes are lifeless, it’s a reminder that a living soul is a fleeting thing.

Perhaps that’s why 1963’s X: The Man With The X-Ray Eyes is such an effective work of art. Directed by Roger Corman, the film tells the story of Dr. James Xavier (Ray Milland), a doctor who has developed eye drops that, when taken, allow one to have x-ray vision. Dr. Xavier claims that the eye drops will allow doctors to more easily diagnose their patients and certainly, he has a point there. His friend, Dr. Sam Brant (Harold J. Stone), points out that the eyes are directly connected to the brain and that using experimental eye drops on them could potentially drive a person mad. Dr. Xavier proves Dr. Brant’s point by losing his tempter and accidentally pushing him out of a window.

Ah, x-ray vision. It all starts out fun. Dr. Xavier is performing miracle surgeries and seeing what everyone looks like naked. (The swinging jazz party scene is a classic example of how 60s B-movies teased audiences while never quite showing everything.) But once he’s forced to go on the run from the police, Xavier finds himself making a living as a carnival psychic while still trying to refine his eyedrops. Xavier’s sleazy manager (Don Rickles) tries to turn Xavier into a faith healer but, with Xavier’s x-ray vision growing more erratic and more intense, Xavier ends up running off to Vegas with a former colleague, Dr. Diane Fairfax (Diana Van der Vils).

And again, it’s all fun and games as Xavier uses his powers to cheat at cards. But then the megalomania kicks in and, after Xavier basically announces that he’s cheating, he finds himself being chased through the desert by a police helicopter and freaking out as more and more of the universe is revealed to him. Much like a Lovecraftian protagonist who has been driven mad by the sight of the Great Old Ones, Xavier finds himself overwhelmed by the center of the universe. At a tent revival, a preacher shouts, “If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!”

The film’s final image is a shocking one and it stays with you. (There were rumors that the film originally ended with Xavier shouting, “I can still see!” but Corman himself said that never happened.) Even without that final image, this would be one of Corman’s best films, a surprisingly intelligent and rather sad story about a man who, in trying to see what is usually hidden, was driven mad by what he discovered. Ray Milland was well-cast as Dr. Xavier and watching him go from being a somewhat stiff but good-hearted scientist to a raving madman at a revival is quite an experience, a testament to the vulnerability that all humans share. In the name of science, Xavier goes from being a respected researcher to being chased through the desert by a helicopter. The man who wanted to be able to see everything finds himself wishing to be forever blinded. Sometimes, the film suggests, it’s best not to be able to see everything around us. Sometime, the mysteries of the universe should remain mysteries and the rest of us should respect our own vulnerabilities.

Horror on the Lens: The Terror (dir by Roger Corman, Francis Ford Coppola, Jack Hill, Monte Hellman, Dennis Jakob, and Jack Nicholson)

Posted on October 2, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “I’d love to see a movie where a youngish Jack Nicholson played a French soldier who, while searching for a mysterious woman, comes across a castle that’s inhabited by both Dick Miller and Boris Karloff?”

Of course you have! Who hasn’t?

Well, fortunately, it’s YouTube to the rescue. In Roger Corman’s 1963 film The Terror, Jack Nicholson is the least believable 19th century French soldier ever. However, it’s still interesting to watch him before he became a cinematic icon. (Judging from his performance here and in Cry Baby Killer, Jack was not a natural-born actor.) Boris Karloff is, as usual, great and familiar Corman actor Dick Miller gets a much larger role than usual. Pay attention to the actress playing the mysterious woman. That’s Sandra Knight who, at the time of filming, was married to Jack Nicholson.

Reportedly, The Terror was one of those films that Corman made because he still had the sets from his much more acclaimed film version of The Raven. The script was never finished, the story was made up as filming moved alone, and no less than five directors shot different parts of this 81 minute movie. Among the directors: Roger Corman, Jack Hill, Monte Hellman, Francis Ford Coppola, and even Jack Nicholson himself! Perhaps not surprisingly, the final film is a total mess but it does have some historical value.

(In typical Corman fashion, scenes from The Terror were later used in the 1968 film, Targets.)

Check out The Terror below!

October Positivity: The Wager (dir by Judson Pearce Morgan)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 2007’s The Wager, Randy Travis plays Michael Steele, an Oscar-nominated actor who….

Stop laughing, that’s not nice.

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that Randy Travis is not exactly the first person that I would cast as an Oscar-nominated actor. And, I’ll also be the first to admit that having Randy Travis act in this film makes it even harder to believe him as someone who could someday be nominated for an Oscar. A lot of country music stars have tried their hand at acting and most of them have been able to survive on the basis of their own authenticity. But there’s nothing authentic about Travis’s performance here. Even when he picks up a guitar and sings a song about the difficulties that he’s facing, he’s not convincing. In this, it’s not so much that Travis is a stiff actor as he just seems to evaporate whenever he’s on screen.

As for the film, Michael Steele is an actor who is known for his strong faith and his refusal to do sex scenes. When a director (Bronson Pinchot) throws a fit over Steele’s refusal to shoot once such scene, Steele says that he’ll do the scene but only if it’s followed by a scene in which his co-star has to deal with being a single mother. OUCH! Michael Steele seems like he’s fun at parties….

(Apparently, it doesn’t occur to Michael that his character could wear a condom.)

Wait a minute. This guy has the same name as that jackass who is always on the news talking about how he’s a Republican who thinks everyone should vote for the Democrats. I wonder if that’s intentional. Anyway….

Michael Steele’s career has had its up and downs. His recent divorce from Annie (Nancy Stafford) has damaged his family friendly image. But his Oscar nomination and the fact that he’s expected to win has once again made the world’s most popular star. But then — scandal! A tabloid photographer snaps a picture of Michael talking to a young actress at his house. In the background, a little kid watches. Now, the kid is a part of the Big Brother program and Michael was just trying to help the younger woman with her career but it doesn’t matter. Soon, Michael finds himself being portrayed as being some sort of pervert. When he punches a photographer, he finds himself getting arrested — RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS CHURCH!

Now, as you may have guessed, this is yet another retelling of the story of Job, with Michael having his faith tested by one disaster after another. He doesn’t lose his faith and, as a result, he wins both an Oscar and he also becomes a hero when he rescues the kid from the Big Brother program from his abusive stepfather. Anyone who thinks that God wouldn’t have a hand in who wins an Oscar obviously did not listen to Will Smith’s acceptance speech.

The Wager is a film that would probably not be made today. Today, you’re not likely to see a socially conservative, faith-based film where a successful actor is wrongly accused of being a pervert. Then again, you also probably wouldn’t see a politically liberal film in which a successful white male actor was wrong accused of being an abuser, not in today’s cultural climate. On both the Left and the Right, attitudes towards Hollywood have changed. Beyond the film’s political and cultural subtext, its portrait of the Oscars as being the most important event of the year also feels rather old-fashioned. I imagine it felt old-fashioned in 2007 as well….

Then again, this is a film in which Randy Travis plays the best actor of his generation so perhaps it’s best not to take any of it too seriously. The miscasting of Travis pretty much sabotages the movie from the start but, on the positive side, Bronon Pinchot is amusing as a bitchy director and Jude Ciccolella has a few good scenes as Michael’s supportive agent. Give those men an Oscar!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.12 “Frozen Out Of Time”

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

From Iceland to Malibu, you can’t keep a good Viking down.

Episode 2.12 “Frozen Out Of Time”

(DIr by Rick Jacobson, originally aired on February 9th, 1997)

After a volcanic eruption in Iceland, a frozen Viking boat is discovered floating in the ocean. Inside the boat are two Vikings, who have spent the past 900 years in blocks of ice. Under the orders of Dr. Lancaster (Edward Mulhare), the Vikings are transported to Malibu. Lancaster’s plan is to thaw the Vikings out and see if they can be revived. Daimont Teague, who has a habit of popping up anywhere that someone is trying to do something stupid, is not sure if Dr. Lancaster knows what he’s doing so he decides to call Mitch and Ryan to the lab.

Now, you can justifiably say, “What is Mitch going to do with a frozen Viking?” It’s a legitimate question. Of course, you can also wonder why Dr. Lancaster thinks that he’ll be able to revive the Vikings. I mean, they’ve been frozen for 900 years! That’s a long time to float around in a block of ice.

Of course, the Vikings are revived. Unfortunately, it turns out that they were on that boat because they were trying to settle a blood feud. The first Viking (Sven-Ole Thorsen) goes on a rampage through the lab and then runs around Malibu pier. Mitch and Griff are able to capture him and bring him back to the lab. Unfortunately, the other Viking (Nils Allen Stewart) has woken up and the two Vikings soon reignite their interrupted duel to the death.

I’m actually leaving out a few details but you can probably guess everything that happens in this episode from what I’ve told you. It’s not really a shock when Mitch turns out to be an expert in Viking culture. It’s also not a surprise when the two Vikings end up killing each other and Mitch gives them a traditional Viking funeral. It’s not just that Mitch puts them on a wooden raft and then shoots a flaming arrow at it. It’s that Mitch dramatically yells, “Valhalla!” while doing so.

Myself, I’m a bit curious about how the Vikings manage to go right back to fighting as soon as they thawed out. It would seem like, after 900 years of lying prone in one position, they would be a little bit stiff. I would imagine that there would at least be some backpain or maybe a touch of arthritis. (I mean, I’m not even 40 and I’ve already got arthritis in my ankle.) Also consider that the Vikings have no trouble breathing the air, despite the fact that Los Angeles’s polluted air is undoubtedly a lot different from what their lungs are used to. And that’s not even to mention all of the germs that the Vikings have never experienced before. It seems like the Vikings should have at least had a cold or something.

Was this episode a good one? Hey, it featured David Hasselhoff, Angie Harmon, and two 900 year-old Vikings. Of course, it was good! Baywatch Nights is always at its best when it embraces the absurdity and there’s nothing more absurd than this episode.

Guilty Pleasure No. 71: Submerged (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

THUNDERSTRIKE!

Listen, if you’re going to watch the 2000 film Submerged, you better be a big fan of the term “Thunderstrike,” because it’s repeated so many times that one gets the feeling that the actors just loved saying it.

Thunderstrike is a satellite that was built by western businessman Buck Stevens (Dennis Weaver). He and his daughter (Nicole Eggert) and her sort-of boyfriend (Hannes Jaenicke) are all flying to Hawaii so that they can conduct more tests on the Thunderstrike. However, arms dealer Owen Cantrell (Tim Thomerson) wants the Thunderstrike for himself so he sends a mercenary named Jeff Cort (Coolio. Yes, Coolio.) to steal the plans from the airplane. The plan is to kill the pilot, substitute a new pilot, and then crash the plane into the ocean …. which is pretty much what happens, despite the best efforts of heroic CIA agent, Rex Manning (Maxwell Caulfield).

Actually, wait a minute. Maxwell Caulfield’s character is named Jim Carpenter. Well, I don’t care. He’ll always be Rex Manning to me!

While Special Agent Mack Taylor (Brent Huff) tries to stop Cantrell from stealing the Thunderstrike, Captain Masters (Fred Williamson) tries to figure out a way to bring the plane to the surface.

If this sound familiar, it’s because Submerged has the same plot as Airport ’77.

If it looks familiar, it’s because Submerged lifts a lot of footage from Airport ’77, including the scene where the plane crashes, the scene where the plane settles on the ocean floor, and the scene where the plane is lifted off the ocean floor. Even a scene of water pouring into plane is lifted from Airport ’77, which means that the plane in Submerged suddenly has a staircase that no one apparently noticed before.

Submerged was directed by the wonderful Fred Olen Ray and seriously, how can you not love it? Between the cast and the fact that it features all of the best parts of Airport ’77, this is a film for which the term guilty Ppeasure was invented! It helps that the cast, for whatever reason, appears to be taking the film rather seriously. This film was Dennis Weaver’s final screen appearance and he seems to be having a ball playing a cheerful good old boy who can’t wait to put a dangerous satellite in the sky.

Plus, the film features Rex Manning!

Plus, Jack Deth!

Plus, Black Caesar!

Plus …. THUNDERSTRIKE!

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