Retro Television Reviews: The Feminist and the Fuzz (dir by Jerry Paris)

Posted on April 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1971’s The Feminist and The Fuzz! It can be viewed on YouTube!

At first glance, Jane Bowers (Barbara Eden) and Jerry Frazer (David Hartman) don’t have much in common.

Jerry is a cop, though he’s attending night school with the hope of someday becoming a lawyer. Jerry is an old-fashioned law and order man. He expects the law to be followed. He’s also the type who definitely believes that there are clear differences between men and women. As he explains it, there are some thing that men are just better at. Jerry is dating Kitty (Farrah Fawcett), who works as a waitress at the local Playboy Club.

Dr. Jane Bowers is a pediatrician and a proud feminist, one who takes it personally when a cop like Jerry refuses to give her a parking ticket just because she’s a woman. She wants to be treated as an equal in all matters. She’s dating Wyatt Foley (Herb Edelman), an attorney who still lives with his mother and who constantly goes out of his way to let everyone know that he’s an ally. Jane’s best friend is Dr. Debby Inglefinger (Jo Anne Worley), who has decided that it’s time to lead a protest at the Playboy Club.

The only thing that Jerry and Jane have in common is that they both desperately need an apartment but apparently, apartments were not easy to find in San Francisco in the early 70s. Fortunately, a hippie (Howard Hesseman) has just been evicted from his apartment because the landlord (John McGiver) didn’t like the fact that he was constantly having overnight guests. Jane and Jerry both end up at the apartment at the same time, with Jane getting offended by Jerry’s refusal to give her a traffic ticket. (Jerry makes the mistake of saying that he’s going to let her off “with a warning.” He wouldn’t give a warning to a man! Seriously, though, who in their right mind would actually demand a ticket? Those things cost money.) Even though they take an instant dislike to each other, Jane and Jerry still decide to pretend to be husband and wife so that they can rent the apartment together. With their busy schedules, they figure that they’ll never have to see each other. They won’t even know the other is around.

Of course, it doesn’t work out like that. Jane allows Debby to hold a consciousness raising meeting at the apartment. (Future director Penny Marshall appears as a participant.) Meanwhile, Jerry lets a prostitute (Julie Newmar) stay at the apartment, just to keep her off of the streets for the night. The landlord is getting suspicious. So, for that matter, is Jane’s father (Harry Morgan). And, as you probably already guessed, Jerry and Jane are falling in love.

With its hippies and its militant feminists and its jokes about the Playboy Club, The Feminist and the Fuzz is a film that practically yells, “1971!” Unfortunately, script’s attempt to turn the film’s rather predictable plot into a Neil Simon-style jokefest never quite works. The “humorous” dialogue feels forced and the film’s 75-minute run time doesn’t do it any favors, as we never really have the time to get to know Jerry or Jane as human beings. Instead, they just remain “The Fuzz” and “The Feminist.” As a result, it’s not that easy to care about whether or not they actually get together. Some of the supporting performances are amusing. Barbara Eden manages to avoid turning Jane into a caricature of a humorless activist but poor David Hartman is stiff as a board and in no way convincing as a veteran cop.

The main thing I took away from this movie is that the Playboy Clubs were exceptionally tacky. Way back in 2011, NBC actually tried to air a drama series that took place at a Playboy Club in the 60s. (This was when every network was trying to come up with the next Mad Men.) The pilot started with creepy old Hugh Hefner assuring the viewers that, “Everybody who was anybody wanted to be a member of the club.” I mean, seriously? What a strange world.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop” and 5.5 “Diss Honored”

Posted on April 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Jake’s Dad gets a job and Sam wins an election!

Episode 5.4 “Mop n’ Pop”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 28th, 1996)

With graduation approaching and everyone feeling restless, the senior class of PCHS have all gotten caught up in the newest game, Ba-Boominator! Basically, it’s a game of elimination, where everyone carries a phallic-looking Ba-Boom gun and they shoot silly string at one another. The goal is to be the last one untouched by the milky, white string that spurts out of the end of the gun.

Needless to say, it’s a rather messy game. Fortunately, the school has a new janitor who is very understanding and doesn’t have any problem cleaning up after the students. Unfortunately, that janitor also happens to be Jake’s Dad. Jake’s Dad was an airplane mechanic but, after getting laid off from his job, he had to take whatever he could find and he ended up as a janitor. Jake is not particularly happy about it.

His friends are supportive about it, except for Sly who makes one too many janitor jokes and ends up getting punched in the face by Jake. Sly ends up with a black eyes and Jack’s Dad ends up quitting his job because he realizes how much it embarrasses Jake. At first, Jake is happy but after Sly yells at Jake and tells him that he should be happy just to have a father who cares about him (which is something Sly does not have), Jake realizes that he’s been a jerk.

This episode was a bit of a change-of-pace, if just because it featured Jake learning a lesson as opposed to teaching one. It was also another strong fifth season episode, highlighting just how much the cast had grown as actors over the course of the show.

Finally, the Ba-Boominator competition is won by Sam and Tony, who both decide that their love is more important than winning any game. Awwwwww!

Episode 5.5 “Diss Honored”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 5th, 1996)

Samantha has been elected President of the Honors Society! Everyone’s totally excited, even though Sly says that it’s a stupid office that nobody really cares about. In this case, I tend to agree with Sly but, apparently, it really is a big deal in the world of California Dreams. Suddenly, Sam has a lot of extra responsibilities and she can’t spend as much time with Tony. Tony fears that he’s going to lose her! To be honest, if their relationship can’t survive Sam holding a ceremonial post for a few months, maybe there are bigger issues at play.

Tony decides that he has to do get into the Honors Society so he cheats on his midterm. Unfortunately, Sam’s rival and the former president of the Society, Harvey, figures out what Tony did and publicly challenges him to some sort of weird Honors Society duel. At first, Tony lies but then he comes clean and all of his friends act like a bunch of jerks and shun him.

(Because, seriously, no one in the entire history of the world has ever cheated on a high school midterm, right?)

The main highlight of this episode was Tony being haunted by two spirits, an evil spirit that looked like Sly and a good spirit that looked like Tiff. It was a bit silly but William James Jones, Michael Cade, and Kelly Packard really threw themselves into their roles. In particular, this episode probably features Jones’s best work on California Dreams.

And feat not! Tony comes clean to Sam and everything works out in the end.

Next week: Jake appears on a reality show and we finally meet Sly’s father!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson 1.6 “Nose Job”

Posted on April 21, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!

This week, Rocky gets involved with a case that’s all about obsession!

Episode 1.6 “Nose Job”

(Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman, originally aired on April 19th, 1985)

Way back in March, when I watched the pilot for Half Nelson, one thing that I immediately noticed was the chemistry between Joe Pesci and Victoria Jackson. In the pilot, it was pretty clear that Annie O’Hara (played by Jackson) had a crush on Rocky (played, of course, by Pesci) and it was actually kind of cute. The streetwise Rocky and the spacey Annie seemed like they could be an interesting couple and I was actually looking forward to seeing how that storyline developed.

Unfortunately, it didn’t develop. In the episodes immediately following the pilot, both Annie and Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), were sidelined so that the show could focus on Rocky interacting with Beau (Dick Butkus) and Kurt (Bubba Smith). Annie was relegated to staying at the office and answering the phone while Rocky flirted with each week’s guest star. That was definitely a missed opportunity. While Smith and Butkus both provided adequate comedy relief, it’s still hard not to feel that the show often focused so much on them that performers like Dean Martin, Fred Williamson, and Victoria Jackson were pushed to the side.

In this week’s episode, Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) asks Annie to go on a date with him and Rocky encourages her to accept, so I guess the potential Rocky/Annie romance is officially dead. At first, Annie doesn’t want to date Hamill because she thinks he’s “a jerk.” (Gary Grubbs, who is one of those actors that most people will immediately recognize even if they don’t know his name, has such an amiable presence that it’s hard to understand where Annie got that idea from.) However, in return for Hamill helping him out with this week’s case, Rocky convinces Annie to give Hamill a shot. Annie and Hamill are a couple by the end of the episode. Yay! Who doesn’t love a romantic ending?

As for this episode itself, it opens with Rocky, Beau, and Kurt providing security on the set of a film. The film appears to be about a revolution in Latin America. April Gray (Mary-Margaret Humes) is playing the lead role, a revolutionary who wears a red beret. (Seriously, it looks like a great film.) When April is nearly run over by an out-of-control truck, Rocky becomes convinced that someone is stalking her. When he discovers that the truck’s accelerator was rigged with surgical string, he decides that a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jonathan Gaines (Jon Cypher), is trying to kill her.

However, before he can accuse Dr. Gaines, he has to find out if April has actually had plastic surgery. As opposed to just asking her, Rocky takes her out on a date. (Beau and Kurt come along as well, so that they can check out the other actresses in the cast and see if any of them had plastic surgery as well.) The only way that Rocky can convince her to go out with him is to take her to an exclusive club. But how can Rocky get reservations!? Fear not, it’s Dean Martin to the rescue! It turns out that Dean is co-owner of the club so he puts down his martini glass for a few minutes and makes a phone call. It’s kind of nice that Dean actually got to be involved in the case this week. Dean’s appearances on this show never last for more than a minute or two and it’s obvious that he wasn’t in the best shape when he filmed them but still, it’s fun to watch him and Pesci act opposite of each other. Pesci always seem to be in awe of Dean.

Before the date, Rocky has to teach Beau and Kurt how to discreetly look for surgery scars. This leads to him showing them how to peak behind someone ears while dancing with them. With the help of Annie, he shows how pretending to lose a contact lens can provide a chance to get on the floor check out someone’s legs for scars. (Unfortunately, the scene is rather awkwardly blocked and framed and, in a few shots, it appears as if Rocky is basically looking straight up Annie’s skirt.) Beau and Kurt are impressed. Chester is less impressed, especially when he catches Rocky crawling around Annie’s legs. Chester yells at Rocky and then goes in his office. And that concludes Fred Williamson’s role in this episode.

During the date, Rocky spots the surgical scars behind April’s ears, indicating that she’s had plastic surgery. It turns out that April not only got a nose job from Dr. Gaines but she also briefly dated him. Rocky realizes that Gaines is now trying to kill her but, as always, everyone tells Rocky that he doesn’t have enough evidence to prove anything. Let’s see. Gaines was on the set when the truck went out of control. The truck’s accelerator was tied down with surgical string. Gaines was the only person on the set with a job that would give him easy access to surgical string. It’s hard not to feel that everyone’s being too quick to dismiss Rocky’s suspicions here.

In fact, Dr. Gaines is so obviously guilty that it’s also pretty obvious that there has to be someone else involved as well. About halfway through the episode, we learn that the film’s director (played by Timothy Bottoms) also used to date April! In fact, he’s the one who paid for her nose job!

Half Nelson really has not turned out to be the lost classic that I was hoping it would be. The pilot was strong but the episodes after that have struggled to really establish a consistent identity for the show. Watching this show, one gets the feeling that the show’s producers couldn’t decide if they wanted to do a comedy or a drama. As I already mentioned, the focus on the antics of Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith pretty much left the rest of the talented cast with little to do. It’s easy to see why Half Nelson did not last longer than two months.

That said, this was actually a pretty good episode. Yes, there were plenty of detective show clichés but both Jon Cypher and Timothy Bottoms were convincing as the show’s two villains and Joe Pesci’s New York persona provided a nice contrast to the sleek phoniness of Hollywood and Beverly Hills. There was even an exciting car chase, which was entertaining even if it was ultimately a bit superfluous to the plot. Plus, the episode featured Rocky throwing a bomb more seconds before it exploded. This is what the explosion looked like:

Seriously, did Rocky just nuke L.A.!?

This was an entertainingly melodramatic episode. You could see hints of the show that Half Nelson could have been if only it could have maintained a consistent tone.

Next week, Rocky meets Marjoe Gortner!

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 4.16 “Jamal X” and 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

Posted on April 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Let’s check in with the neat guys.

Episode 4.16 “Jamal X”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 11th, 2000)

In this episode, we learn that Jamal has an uncle who is a fairly prominent academic and activist. This seems like something that would have come up in the past but this is the first time that he’s ever been seen or even mentioned on City Guys. When Ms. Noble invites him to give a guest lecture at Manny High, he stops by the diner to visit with his favorite nephew and to meet Jamal’s “best friend, Chris.” After initially assuming that L-Train is Chris, Jamal’s uncle is shocked to discover that Jamal’s best friend is a rich white kid.

After listening to his uncle speak on systemic racism and realizing how little his three white friends understand about what it’s like to have to deal with racism on an everyday basis, Jamal goes militant. He wears his hair in an afro. He refers to Ms. Noble as being “my Nubian queen.” And he tries to start a school club only for black students. After Ms. Noble tells him that she won’t allow a blacks-only club at the school, Jamal instead holds his meeting at the New York Diner. When Chris attempts to attend the meeting, Chris explains that he’s only there because he wants to understand what the black students are having to deal with. Despite this, Chris is kicked out by the other club members. A guilt-stricken Jamal realizes that he’s been going about things the wrong way. He apologizes to Chris and they become friends again.

This seems to be the episode of City Guys that everyone remembers from when it first aired and it’s not badly done. Wesley Jonathan, in particular, gives a good performance as Jamal. Though the episode ends with Jamal reaffirming his friendship with Chris, it also doesn’t deny the everyday realities of racism. (An early scene in the episode features a cop spotting L-Train’s new watch and baselessly accusing him of having stolen it.) If nothing else, this episode is a bit more honest about prejudice than Saved By The Bell’s infamous Running Zack episode. That said, I get the feeling that, if this episode aired today, it would be criticized for taking an All Lives Matter approach to the issue. In the end, this episode is most noteworthy as a reminder that the issues of today are many of the same issues of the 90s and all the decades before.

Episode 4.17 “Subway Confessions”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, Originally aired on November 18th, 2000)

Chris, Jamal, Al, L-Train, Cassidy, and Dawn are preparing to enter the school when they hear that Funkyfest tickets are going on sale. Convinced that they’ll be able to get the tickets and get back to school in time for Ms. Noble’s class, they leave school grounds and head for the subway. When they return 3 hours later, Ms. Noble is so angry that she sentences them to three weeks of detention. Ms. Noble also confiscates the Funkyfest tickets, which is another way of saying that Ms. Noble steals them. Seriously, just because the tickets were bought while skipping school, that doesn’t change the fact that those tickets were not Noble’s to take.

Everyone has a different story about what happened on the train to make them late. Dawn and Cassidy claim that they were giving a homeless woman a makeover. L-Train and Al claim that they were fighting Russian spies. Chris and Jamal claim that a woman in clown makeup went into labor and they had to deliver the baby. Ms. Noble doesn’t believe a word of it, even after the homeless woman shows up, introduces herself as an undercover cop, and reveals that a clown really did go into labor. (That said, she also reveals that Chis and Jamal did not deliver the baby.) Everyone still has detention for skipping school because Ms. Noble is a harsh taskmaster.

This was a funny episode, though it’s hard not to notice that it’s also an episode that’s totally dependent on every character being an idiot. Still, I’m not ashamed to admit that Al and L-Train fighting the spies made me laugh. I’ve learned not to expect too much from City Guys and, with that in mind, this episode delivered.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

Posted on April 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to give thanks as the Love Boat sets sail for another holiday adventure!

Episode 2.10 “Man of the Cloth / Her Own Two Feet / Tony’s Family”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 17th, 1978)

It’s time for the big Thanksgiving cruise and love is in the air!

Unfortunately, the ship’s chief engineer calls in sick the day of the cruise. The ship can’t sail without a chief engineer! Rather than cancel the cruise, Captain Stubing decides that assistant engineer Tony Santini (Larry Storch) will just have to give up his Thanksgiving and work on the cruise. Needless to say, Tony is not happy about this. As he explains to Gopher and Julie, his entire family is in town and he was planning on spending his holiday with them. Julie comes up with a brilliant idea! Maybe Tony’s family could secretly take the cruise with Tony. They can just sneak on board and remember to stay away from the captain. Tony agrees. Of course, it then turns out that Tony has a gigantic family. Along with his wife and his children, he is also accompanied by his parents, neither of whom speak English. His parents bring a chicken with them.

The crew goes out of their way to keep the Captain from discovering the stowaways but, eventually, the chicken gets loose and Stubing figures out what is going on. The entire crew — including the Captain — volunteers to pay for the family’s tickets but Tony announces that he doesn’t take charity. He’ll figure out a way to pay the bill.

While that’s going on, Rev. Gerald Whitney (Peter Graves) is excited to find love on the cruise. The only problem is that the woman who he’s fallen in love with (Roz Kelley) is also a stripper! Rev. Whitney doesn’t care but unfortunately, Barbara Sharp (Vivian Blane) does. Barbara just happens to be a member of Whitney’s church and she is shocked to see the reverend and the stripper together on the cruise. Barbara gets so judgmental that her husband, Phil (Alan Young), threatens to divorce her. Barbara and Phil finally have a heart-to-heart talk in the casino. Barbara agrees to stop being so judgmental. Phil agrees to stop gambling as soon as he puts his last silver dollar in the ship’s slot machine. That silver dollar was given to him by one Tony’s kids and when the slot machine pays off, Phil and Barbara give all of the money to Tony’s family. Yay! Now Tony can pay for the cruise.

(I guess the lesson here is that, if you’re going to be a stowaway, make sure the ship has a casino.)

Finally, Bert (Van Johnson) and his wife, Audrey (June Allyson), are having to adjust to life now that Audrey has gone blind. Fortunately, Doc Bricker takes a break from hitting on every woman on the boat and gives them some words of encouragement. Soon, Bert is no longer lying about Audrey’s condition and Audrey is using her cane and learning how to read braille.

This episode felt a bit weird. Obviously, the most interesting story was the reverend falling in love with a stripper but the show itself devoted more energy to Tony and his family and Phil gambling. To be honest, with the amount of time that Phil spent in the casino, he came across like he might have a problem. Hopefully, he went straight from the cruise to Gamblers Anonymous. The guest stars themselves just seemed to be going through the motions and the end result was a fairly forgettable Thanksgiving.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we have a special, super-sized episode of Fantasy Island!

Episode 2.18 “Casting Director/Pentagram/A Little Ball”

(Dir by George McCowan and Michael Vejar, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

This week, we get three fantasies, instead of the usual two!

Sister Mary Theresa (Lisa Hartman) is a nun who has been struggling with her faith even since the death of her mentor. Her fantasy is a chance to meet the only mortal man that her mentor ever loved. Colin McArthur (John Saxon) is tall, dark, handsome, and he loves animals! Not only does he seem like the perfect guy but he’s also played by John Saxon. Today, Saxon is best-known for appearing in horror movies and for playing B-movie villains and it’s easy to forget that he could also be quite a charming actor when given the chance. That said, as charming as he is, Colin just can’t compete with God and Sister Mary Theresa once again dons her habit before leaving the Island.

Meanwhile, Felix Birdsong (Don Knotts) has spent his life fantasizing about being a big time Hollywood casting agent and he gets his chance when he comes to the Island and is put in charge of selecting the woman who will star in a film called The Most Beautiful Girl In The World. Felix soon discovers that Hollywood isn’t as glamorous as he thought. (Uh, yeah, no doubt.) The film’s producer (Abe Vigoda) is a sleaze. The film is being funded by a combination of gangsters and oil sheikhs (one of whom is played by Cesar Romero) and all of them expect Felix to select their girlfriends for the role. Felix ends up very disillusioned, though you have to wonder what type of sheltered existence he experienced before coming to the island. I mean, he’s shocked to discover that Hollywood can be a heartless place and that rich men have mistresses! In the end, Felix announces that all 20 of the women will be cast as The Most Beautiful Girl In The World and that every single one of them will get the prize money. Yay! Of course, now the production is probably out of money so it’s not as if the film will ever actually be made. Actually, if I was a contestant in a beauty pageant and the judge just declared a 20-girl tie instead of giving me the prize, I would probably think he was the biggest jerk in the world. Boooo! Felix, you jerk!

Finally, Jane Garwood (Florence Henderson, continuing the tradition of Brady Bunch cast members showing up on the island) is a television news reporter who recently gained a lot of attention for a report she filed on Satanic cults. As a result of the report, a Satanic priest put a curse on Jane. Jane laughed it off until all of the men in her life started dying. Jane’s fantasy is to learn whether the curse is real. Mr. Roarke’s solution is to become the new man in Jane’s life. When he doesn’t die, Jane will see that the curse is not real….

Except, the curse is real! The cult has followed Jane to the Island and now they’re not only trying to kill her but Mr. Roarke as well! I have to admit that I’ve always assumed that Mr. Roarke was meant to be a supernatural being and I also assumed that he was immortal. Apparently, that’s not completely true. Still, despite the cult leader kidnapping Jane and dancing around with a cobra, Roarke is able to reveal that the cult leader is not only not a supernatural being but that he’s also Jane’s ex-boyfriend!

This episode was a fun mix of cartoonish comedy, sincere romance, and ludicrous melodrama. It was entertainingly silly in the way that only Fantasy Island could be at its best. I mean, with the exception of The Brady Bunch Hour, how many other shows would have the guts to give us Florence Henderson being menaced by a Satanic cult? For that, you have to go to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Review: Hang Time 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth” and 4.12 “Shoot Out”

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

When last we checked in with Hang Time, the Tornadoes were in San Antonio and the show was doing an absolutely terrible job of portraying Texas. Wow, I hope that’s over with! Let’s find out.

Episode 4.11 “Restless Mary Beth”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

Hey, we’re back in Indiana! I guess that stupid and insulting Texas storyline is over with. Yay!

Freaking out because she’s worried that she doesn’t have enough extra-curricular activities to get into the college of her choice, Mary Beth starts taking on every activity that she can. She joins the band. She rejoins the cheerleaders. She joins the Speech and Debate club. When she finds out that a special election is being held to select a new student council president, she decides to run. Julie, Hammer, and Kristy warn her that she’s taking on too much but Mary Beth laughs them off. One scene later and Mary Beth is having a nervous breakdown and sobbing in the locker room because she’s working herself to exhaustion.

No worries! Mary Beth ends up falling asleep and she has a dream where she’s competing against Kristy in a shopping spree. Mary Beth has more stuff in her cart but Kristy still wins because, as Hammer explains, Mary Beth didn’t make it to graduation because she tried to take on too much. So, I guess the implication is that Mary Beth is going to die if she takes on too many extra-curriculars? Wow, that’s dark!

That said, I could relate to this episode. I tend to take on too much as well. Despite a rather stupid B-plot about the team losing the Coach’s championship ring while lounging in the new hot tub, this was a pretty good episode and it made a good point about taking time to rest. Plus, it returned the action to Indiana, where it belongs.

Episode 4.12 “Shoot Out”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

The Tornadoes are in San Antonio for the Tri-state Tournament….

WAIT A MINUTE, THEY’RE BACK IN TEXAS!? They were just in Indiana, how are they back in Texas!?

The obvious answer is that NBC showed these episodes out-of-order. NBC tended to do that to all of their Sunday morning shows so it shouldn’t come as a shock that they would do it to Hang Time. Still, it always surprises me how blatant NBC was in its utter disregard for the three or four people who were actually paying attention to continuity back in the 90s.

Anyway, the team is back in San Antonio and, as always, they are just one game away from winning not only the tournament but also a trip to New York. Coach K is excited to learn that their next game will be against a team coached by his protegee, Rick. However, when the Coach discovers that 1) Rick is now in a wheelchair and 2) Rick might get an NBA job but only if his team wins, Coach K finds himself feeling a bit conflicted. The Tornadoes interpret this as Coach wanting them to throw the game! Fortunately, after a terrible first half, Coach K tells them that he doesn’t want them to throw the game and that deliberately losing is an insult to the other team. Just as with every other game they’ve ever played, the Tornadoes come back in the second half and win by one point. They win a trip to New York and Rick gets his NBA position regardless. Does the NBA regularly hire high school coaches?

While this is going on, Antonio (Jay Hernandez) begs Kristy to forgive him for not telling her that he could speak English. He eventually wins Kristy over, mostly because he’s totally adorable and, since this show was filmed in the 90s, no one mentions how messed up it was that Kristy automatically assumed that Antonio and his friends couldn’t speak English to begin with.

Ugh. This episode did a slightly better job of presenting Texas than the previous San Antonio episode did but there were still way too many people walking around wearing cowboy hats. Not everyone in Texas is a cowboy.

Anyway, I guess the team is going to New York now! If they can make it there, they can make it anywhere …. well, you know the rest.

Retro Television Reviews: The Secret Night Caller (dir by Jerry Jameson)

Posted on April 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1975’s The Secret Night Caller! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Though the show pretty much guaranteed that he would forever be a part of the American pop cultural landscape, Robert Reed was not a fan of The Brady Bunch. Onscreen, Reed played Mike Brady, the stern patriarch who always knew the right thing to do and who, as a result, was named father of the year by the local chamber of commerce. (Of course, even though she was responsible for him getting the reward, Mike still grounded Marcia for sneaking out to mail in his nomination forms.) Offscreen, Reed was notoriously difficult, complaining that the scripts for the show were juvenile and shallow. Reed was correct and it should be noted that all of the actors who played the Brady kids have said that Reed never took out his frustration on the cast and actually became a bit of a surrogate father to all of them. Still, you have to wonder what Reed was expecting when he signed up for a show that was created by the man responsible for Gilligan’s Island.

The Brady Bunch was cancelled in 1974, temporarily setting Robert Reed free from the burden of playing Mike Brady. (Of course, he would later return to the role in The Brady Bunch Hour and we all know how that turned out.) One of the first post-Brady movies that Reed starred in was The Secret Night Caller.

In this film, Reed plays a seemingly mild-mannered IRS (booo!) agent named Freddy Durant. Freddy has a good career and a nice home but he’s deeply unsatisfied. He barely communicates with his wife, Pat (Hope Lange). He freaks out over his teenage daughter, Jan (Robin Mattson), wearing a bikini. He fantasies about hitting on almost every woman that he sees. He hangs out at a strip club and, when he’s really feeling unsatisfied, he makes obscene phone calls! Because this is a made-for-TV movie from the 70s, we never actually get to hear what Freddy says on the phone but he manages to disgust and/or horrify everyone who has the misfortune to answer his call. He even calls a woman who works in his office, scaring Charlotte (Arlene Golonka) so much that she subsequently has an auto accident. Unfortunately, for Freddy, one of his victims, a stripper named Chloe (Elaine Giftos), recognizes his voice and tries to blackmail him. Freddy’s life is falling apart. Can his psychiatrist (played by Michael Constantine) help him put it all back together again?

Freddy Durant is obviously meant to come across as being the exact opposite of Mike Brady. (Of course, many of us who have seen The Brady Bunch have our suspicions about what Mike was actually doing in his office….) Whereas Mike Brady was the perfect father, Freddy is cold, distant, and repressed. Reed is convincingly uptight as Freddy and he’s surrounded by a fine supporting cast, including Sylvia Sidney as his disapproving mother-in-law. That said, it’s still impossible to watch this show without thinking to yourself, “There’s Mike Brady making an obscene phone call.” That’s the difficulty of typecasting unfortunately. For all of his efforts to escape the shadow of the Brady Bunch, it’s impossible not to associate Robert Reed with the show, even when he’s talking dirty on the phone.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled” and 5.3 “Honest Sly”

Posted on April 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Dreams finally experience an earthquake!

Episode 5.2 “Shaken, Rattled, and Rolled”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Sly has just discovered that radio executive Joey DeParna’s legendary thick head of hair is actually a wig and he’s blackmailing Joey into giving the Dreams an audition! The only problem is that, due to a recent earthquake, Tony is suffering from PTSD and can’t even play the drums without having a flashback! Mark suggests recreating the earthquake so that Tony can conquer his fears but, when the Dreams start shoving Tony’s drum kit back and forth, Tony panics and runs straight into a wall. It looks like Tony’s going to have to live with his aunt and uncle in Ohio. Fortunately, right as Tony is getting ready to say goodbye to his friends, another earthquake hits and Tony gets in a doorway. When he realizes that the second earthquake didn’t kill him, Tony conquers his fears and decides to stay in California. I don’t know. I think two earthquakes in one week would be enough to make me leave but then again, I like Ohio. Actually, we do have earthquakes in Texas but it’s rare that we ever actually notice them. California, on the other hand, is probably going to plunge into the ocean and float away in another year or two.

I’m a little bit surprised that it took five seasons for a show called California Dreams to feature an earthquake. I was also surprised that this was apparently Tony’s first earthquake, even though he grew up in California. The scenes where Tony freaked out and flashed back to the quake were actually a lot better done than you would expect from a Saturday morning kids show. I could understand Tony’s fear! That said, the highlight of this episode was not the earthquake but instead a B-plot in which Tiffani got a job at an animal shelter and, while the shelter was closed for a week, all of the Dreams (except for Lorena) got to take care of an animal. Tony’s beagle was adorable!

Episode 5.3 “Honest Sly”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 21, 1996)

Sly has a new job! He’s working for Gem Diamond (Gary Beach) and selling used cars! Sharp-eyed viewers will recognize Gem Diamond as being the same guy who sold Zack Morris a cheap class ring on Saved By The Bell. As such, you can probably guess what type of cars Gem has on his used car lot. Sly, of course, doesn’t have any problem selling crappy used cars for too much money. Or, at least, he doesn’t until Sam buys a car and it crashes because the brakes were bad. Struck with guilt, Sly goes on live TV and reveals that Gem sold Sam a defective car. Gem gives Sam back her money and is so impressed with Sly’s sneakiness that he offers to go into business with him. Sly, however, has had it with selling used cars.

Meanwhile, Lorena pretends to be Mark’s girlfriend so that Mark will develop the confidence necessary to ask out another girl. Being Lorena’s fake boyfriend means doing stuff like shining her boots. (I need to get a new pair of boots myself.) The other girl is so impressed that she asks Mark to wash her car and do her French homework. Seriously, this show’s writers could never decide just how much of a loser Mark actually was. He was always either dating an Olympian or having an anxiety attack.

Usually, Lorena is the character to whom I most relate on this show but, during this episode, I related to Sam because everyone kept giving her such a hard time about being a bad driver. Much like me, Sam wasn’t a bad driver as much as she was just someone who found it difficult to focus while the person sitting beside her kept yelling, “LOOK OUT!”

This was a good episode. Gary Beach was genuinely funny as Gem Diamond. For continuity watchers, there’s a moment in the episode where Jake mentions the time that Sly got conned by a fake modeling school. The modeling school episode didn’t actually air until 4 months later. We’ll get to that episode in another few weeks.

Coming up next week: Jake’s father is hired by the school and Tony cheats on a test!

Retro Television Reviews: Half Nelson Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

Posted on April 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

L.A. …. you belong to me….

Episode 1.5 “Diplomatic Immunity”

(Dir by Alan Cooke, Originally aired on April 12th, 1985)

Somebody is stealing luxury cars in Beverly Hills! Detective Hamill (Gary Grubbs) is pretty sure that he’s caught the responsible party, a teenager who was seen near one of the cars when it was taken. The teenager, who is in danger of losing his athletic scholarship, insists that he was just thinking about stealing the car but he didn’t actually do it. Instead, the car was stolen by some guy who arrived on the scene via a limousine. Why would a car thief be getting transported around in a limo?

That’s what Rocky Nelson (Joe Pesci) wants to find out! Just as in the previous episodes, everyone tells Rocky to not get involved. The police tell Rocky to stay out of the way. Rocky’s boss, Chester (Fred Williamson), tells him that it’s not his concern. Rocky’s landlord, Mr. Martin (Dean Martin), stops by the guesthouse to use Rocky’s phone and, though he doesn’t say not to get involved, it’s still pretty obvious that Dean Martin doesn’t care about the car thieves.

Only Rocky cares! Actually, Kurt (Bubba Smith) and Beau (Dick Butkus) care as well. In fact, in this episode, Kurt and Beau get almost as much screen time as Rocky. They follow Rocky around, hoping to learn how to become better detectives. As critical as I can sometimes be of Dick Butkus’s character on Hang Time, he was actually pretty funny on Half Nelson. He and Bubba Smith made a good comedy team and they seem to be having so much fun together that it makes up for the fact that neither one of them had much range as an actor. For instance, when Rocky goes to Beverly Hills High School to do some investigating, Kurt and Beau follow him. Kurt and Beau claim to be two new teachers at the school. “We got traded to this school from Harvard,” Beau says before Kurt explains that they got traded for another teacher and several draft picks. It’s a dumb joke but Butkus and Smith sell it with their enthusiasm.

Eventually, Rocky figures out that the car theft ring is being led by a diplomat (John Saxon) from Central America. Saxon pretends to be collecting money for charity but he’s actually just stealing cars and smuggling them out of the country. Rocky’s investigative techniques are not particularly complex. He “borrows” an expensive car from the studio and then hides in the trunk with his pitbull, Hunk. When Saxon’s henchman (Lewis van Bergen) steals the car, Rocky and Hunk jump into action. Hunk cripples the thief by biting his ankle and then Rocky and his dog run away as the car explodes. “Run, Hunk, run!” Rocky yells.

Rocky, Kurt, and Beau manage to catch Saxon right before he boards a plane to leave the country. The teenager is freed from jail. As he leaves his cell, he complains about the incompetence of the cops. Rocky yells at him for being disrespectful. It’s the best scene in the show, just because it feels spontaneous. It’s almost as if Pesci himself suddenly got mad and started yelling at the kid.

Rocky, Amanda (Victoria Jackson, who has been underused in every episode, with the exception of the pilot), and the rest of the Beverly Hills Security team throws a birthday party for Chester. Dean Martin does not show up. The end credits roll.

Half Nelson‘s main weakness is that, despite having an once-in-a-lifetime cast, the plots tend to feel somewhat generic. It just doesn’t feel right to have actors like Joe Pesci, Fred Williamson, Dean Martin, and even Dick Butkus and Bubba Smith dealing with the type of boring cases that any 80s TV detective could have solved. That said, compared to the previous episodes of Half Nelson that I’ve watched, this episode was okay. Pesci got to show off his streetwise attitude and, as always, he seemed to be happiest when acting opposite Dean Martin. John Saxon was stuck playing a one-note villain but it’s still always enjoyable to watch Saxon as he plots to do something bad. This episode was enjoyable if not exactly memorable.