Horror On TV: Fear Itself 1.7 “Community” (dir by Mary Harron)


In tonight’s episode of Fear Itself, Bobby (Brandon Routh) and Tracy (Shiri Appleby) are a young couple who move to a gated community and learn that there are consequences to upsetting the HOA.  The story is familiar but Mary Harron does a good job of combining satire with chills.  Watching how Bobby and Tracy are pressured to conform to the rules of the community, it was hard not to be reminded of the excesses of the COVID era.

(Of course, the truly interesting thing about the COVID era was seeing how many self-styled nonconformists revealed their true selves once they were actually put in a position where taking a stand could have had consequences.  They know who they are.)

This episode originally aired on July 24th, 2008.  Mary Harron, of course, is best known for directing American Psycho.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.15 “Santa, Santa, Santa/Another Dog Gone Christmas/Noel’s Christmas Carol”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Merry Christmas!

Episode 8.15 “Santa, Santa, Santa/Another Dog Gone Christmas/Noel’s Christmas Carol”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 15th, 1984)

It’s time for the Christmas voyage!

Assigned to hire a Santa Claus for the trip, Judy McCoy has finally managed to find one in the surprisingly thin form of Max Phelps (Ray Waltson).  Uh-oh!  Apparently, Gopher didn’t get the memo and he hired a Santa Claus of his own, Patrick Turney (Avery Schreiber).  Well, this is awkward but surely …. wait a minute, who is that with Isaac?  Isaac also hired a Santa Claus, in this case Shakespearean actor Malcolm (Scatman Crothers)!

How did this happen and I mean that sincerely.  I guess I can understand Gopher having the power to hire a Santa Claus because he is the ship’s pursuer.  But why is Isaac hiring people?  How does the Captain not know who is and who isn’t being hired for his ship?  And why didn’t either Gopher or Isaac tell Judy that they hired a Santa Claus?

These are legitimate questions but they really don’t matter.  The three Santa Clauses are all wonderful in their roles and watching them try to outdo each other is actually pretty entertaining.  This is a storyline that worked better than it had any right to, largely because there wasn’t a hint of cynicism to be found on The Love Boat.  Most modern sitcoms would have made the Santa Clauses angry or bitter.  But, on The Love Boat, three Santas are always better than one!

As for the other stories, Carol Kelsey (Kim Lankford) lies to her mother (Anne Francis) and tells her that Ace is her fiancé.  Carol is just trying to get her mother off of her back.  But when Carol falls for Ace’s friend, Noel Kane (Shea Farrell), Carol’s mother fears that her daughter is cheating on Ace.  No worries!  What can go wrong when you fall in love with someone named Noel on Christmas?  Again, this is another episode that worked specifically because of The Love Boat’s utter and complete earnestness.  It was goofy and it was perfect for a Christmas voyage.

Finally, Vicki is sailing with her dog, Tundra (played by the adorable Tundra The Wonder Dog).  Because Vicki’s aunt and uncle can no longer look after Tundra and a boat is no place for a dog to live, she gives Tundra to a down-on-his luck stand-up comedian (Howard Morris).  This was such a sweet story that it brought tears to my eyes.  Tundra was adorable and he brought a lot of cheer to the entire boat.

Wow, Christmas in October!  Happy holidays everyone!

Horror On The Lens: Robot Monster (dir by Phil Tucker)


 

I love this movie!

In this 1953 film, a gorilla wearing a diving helmet uses the Calcinator Death Ray to wipe out almost all human life on Earth.  Only 8 people survive, among them a professor, his family, and Roy (future Eurospy star, George Nader).  Ro-Man (George Barrows) is hounded by his superior to track down and destroy the survivors.  Ro-Man does his best, though the humans prove to be …. well, they’re not really that resourceful.  In fact, they’re pretty dumb.  But Ro-Man is pretty dumb himself.

Regularly (and incorrectly) cited as being one of the worst films ever made, Robot Monster is an enjoyably absurd hybrid of horror and science fiction.  Earth is destroyed through a combination of bad lighting effects and stock footage and the arguments between Ro-Man and his superior have to be heard to be believed.  Robot Monster is actually a bit more self-aware than a lot of people realize.  This is a low-budget Z-movie that realizes that it’s a low-budget Z-movie and which cheerfully embraces its identity.  Robot Monster is a personal favorite and it’s a bit of Halloween tradition around these parts.

And now, enjoy Robot Monster in all of its black-and-white glory!

 

 

Horror Song of the Day: Buio Omega by Goblin


Today’s horror song of the day comes from the 1979 film, Beyond The Darkness.

This film’s theme song, courtesy of Goblin, was so acclaimed that it later turned up in several other Italian horror film, usually without anyone bothering to credit Goblin.  In this video below, it’s performed by the members of Goblin Reborn, who should not be confused with the members of Claudio Simonetti’s Goblin or Goblin Legacy.

(I swear, the members of prog rock bands are almost as difficult to keep track of as the minor members of European royalty.)

As for the image behind the band, that is Cinzia Monreale, who played two roles in Beyond The Darkness.

Horror Scenes That I Love: Cheatin’ Harry Gets Grabbed In Attack of the 50 Foot Woman


From 1958’s Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Harry discovers that cheaters never get away with it.  Especially when they’re cheating on someone who is 50 feet tell….

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films: October 7th


4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films

The Exorcist (1973, dir by William Friedkin)

Torso (1973, directed by Sergio Martino)

The Iron Rose (1973, dir by Jean Rollin)

The Crazies (1973, dir by George Romero)

October Positivity: Cancel Me Not (dir by Jason Campbell)


Over the past decade, Cancel Culture was has gone though an interesting evolution.  Whether or not its exists often seems to depend on who you ask or whether or not they feel that they’re the ones getting canceled.

Before 2016, it was agreed that Cancel Culture was real but it was viewed as largely being an internet meme.  On Twitter, people would announce that “so-and-so is canceled” because that person had failed to mouth the right political platitudes or they were friends with someone else who had been canceled.  Cancel Culture was around but few took it seriously because the main advocates were anonymous social media users who spent way too much time obsessing on Glee.

During the 2016 election and the year 2017, the Right claimed that the Left was trying to cancel anyone who voted Republican.  This led to the Left declaring that Cancel Culture was a myth and that the Right was just being whiny.

In 2018, when Al Franken resigned from the Senate, the Left briefly decided that Cancel Culture was real and it was a bad thing if it led to someone that they liked getting in trouble.  Once the Right started calling them out on this, the Left went back to saying that Cancel Culture was a myth but it was still bad in that it caused Al Franken to have resigned.  And that’s why Kirsten Gillibrand will never be President.

In 2020, the Left decided that Cancel Culture was fine as long as the only people being canceled were people who didn’t wear masks or who had doubts about the lockdowns.  However, at the same time, it was also decided that anyone who lost a job opportunity due to Cancel Culture would have lost that opportunity anyway because of …. reasons.  It doesn’t matter if, like Gina Carano, you were one of the most popular actors on a show that was, for the moment, capturing the pop culture zeitgeist.  The message seemed to be, “Yes, we’re cancelling people but it’s not anybody truly important so what do you care?”

Then, from 2022 to roughly 2026, the mainstream once again decided that Cancel Culture didn’t actually exist, except for when people like Eric Swalwell and Graham Platner were the ones getting canceled and that it was hypocritical of those who were previously canceled for tweeting a joke to take any joy over people being canceled for sexual assault.

In other words, Cancel Culture doesn’t exist except for when it does and hey, why do you care?  Are you looking to get canceled?

As you can probably guess from the title, 2024’s Cancel Me Not is a film about Cancel Culture.  Actor Chase Murray (Eddie McClintock) is accused of sexual harassment and assault by an actor who just wants to further their career.  Chase is acquitted by a jury of his peers but after spending a year being relentless attacked online, he’s  not ready to return to the spotlight.  He travels to Florida, where he finds himself staying next door to Heather Campbell (Jana Lee Hamilton), who has just left her husband.  Heather’s daughter, Emma (Arabella Weaver), is attending a college where the dean refers to the students as being his “children.”  When Emma is harassed for being a Christian, it looks like it’s time for Chase to go to the school and give a speech at an assembly.

Cancel Me Not is another low-budget, faith-based film from Jason Campbell.  On a technical level, the sound recording is often muddy and, despite only running for a little over an hour, it still feels a bit overlong.  On the plus side, while it’s not a film that’s likely to change anyone’s mind about Cancel Culture, it is a film that is specifically designed to annoy those who claim that it doesn’t exist.  It’s a “let’s tick off the other side” film and, when it works, it’s in a “Oh, I can’t wait to trick my Bernie-loving, DSA cousin into sitting through this” sort of way.  There’s nothing subtle about it but it’s entertaining as long as you already agree with the film’s conclusions.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.22 “The Right Thing”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the fourth season comes to a close.

Episode 4.22 “The Right Thing”

(Dir by John B. Moranville, originally aired on April 25th, 1999)

Businessman John Patrone (Fred Saldone) has negotiated a peace treaty between two gangs, one black and one Latino.  Finally, there will be peace in Santa Monica!  However, at a rally to celebrate the treaty, a sniper shoots Patrone dead.  At first, I was amazed that the police didn’t have anyone on those rooftops to prevent something like this from happening.  Then I realized that security for the rally was being provided solely by Pacific Blue.  Of course, the bicycle cops would screw this up.

Despite the fact that John Patrone was a major figure in Santa Monica, we never see any Homicide detectives working the case.  Instead, it somehow falls to the bicycle cops to investigate.  What they discover is that, despite his altruistic image, Patrone was actually a monster who sold weapons and drugs to the gangs and who raped and impregnated the daughter of Bruce Best (Kevin McClatchey).  Bruce’s daughter killed herself and that’s why Bruce assassinated Patrone.

Bruce doesn’t make any effort to disguise the fact that he killed Patrone.  He admits it to Bobby, Granger, Jamie, and Monica.  However, the four rookie cops are convinced that Patrone deserved to die and that Bruce did “the right thing” by shooting him.  In a move that is totally out-of-character for him, Bobby decides to throw all of the evidence implicating Bruce into harbor.  Unfortunately, Bobby is being watched by Susan Jessup (Holly Gagnier) of Internal Affairs.  Susan goes to TC and offers to let Bobby off the hook in exchange for sex.  (As ludicrous a character as Susan may be, Holly Gagnier’s wonderfully unhinged performance was the highlight of the episode.)  TC replies that he will arrest Bobby and Bruce personally.  This episode ends with a cliffhanger as all four of our rookies pose for their mugshots.

Meanwhile, Chris and Cory deal with a teenager who wants to shoot himself out of a cannon.  It’s a bit odd that the bike patrol’s two most experienced cops aren’t working the Patrone murder but whatever.  I’ve given up on trying to follow Pacific Blue logic.

We’ll find out the fates of Bobby, Jamie, Granger, and Monica next week, when we start the final season of Pacific Blue.  I really can’t wait for all this to be over with!

Horror On TV: Fear Itself 1.6 “New Year’s Day” (dir by Darren Lynn Bousman)


Tonight’s episode of Fear Itself is a macabre zombie story that takes place on New Year’s Day and which features a twist ending!  Watch this one with the lights off.

The episode originally aired on July 17th, 2008.  Director Darren Lynn Bousman is best-known for his Saw films.  Personally, I’m a fan of his 2010 thriller, Mother’s Day.

October Hacks: The Bye Bye Man (dir by Stacy Title)


There are certain films that have scenes that make you laugh even though you really shouldn’t. When I finally got around to watching 2017’s The Bye Bye Man earlier this year, there was one scene that almost caused me to fall off my couch from excessive giggling.

It really shouldn’t have made me laugh, but I couldn’t help it. It’s hard for me to explain what was so funny about it, but I’ll try. One of the film’s characters is standing in the middle of some train tracks. A train is rapidly approaching. Yikes! Nothing funny about that. The character does not move. She fully intends to get struck by the train. We get a close-up of the character on the tracks, and then we get a close-up of the train’s engineer suddenly realizing that she’s standing in front of his train.

“NO!” he says.

It’s the “No!” that gets me. He doesn’t yell, “Get out of the way!” He doesn’t yell, “STOP THE TRAIN!” In fact, as far as I can tell, he doesn’t even try to stop the train, and seeing as how he’s the engineer, one would think that would be something he would know how to do. Instead, he sees her and he goes, “NO!” When he says it, he uses the same tone of voice that I use when I’m telling a cat not to sharpen its claws on the furniture. He’s not saying, “No, this can’t be happening!” He’s not saying, “Oh God, NO!” Instead, he’s saying, “No, don’t you stand on those tracks!” It’s such a fake and awkward moment that I couldn’t help but laugh. Later, I couldn’t help but wonder why no one was willing to say, “Well, let’s just leave that NO! on the cutting room floor. It’s not like it really adds anything to the film.”

That’s the type of film that The Bye Bye Man is. It’s inept in almost every way, from the acting to the script to the editing to …. well, everything. It’s a film that was obviously meant to launch a franchise. The Bye Bye Man was meant to be the type of evil presence who would haunt the nightmares of a generation of filmgoers. If you don’t want The Bye Bye Man to come after you, all you have to do is not say or think his name. But as soon as you see that name, that’s all you can think about. He’s kind of like Candyman, just without any sort of subtext. One has to wonder how he ended up with a name like Bye Bye Man. Maybe it’s explained in the film and I was too busy laughing at that awkward “NO!” to notice. It’s entirely possible.

I may have also been busy wondering what Faye Dunaway was doing in this film. She only has a small role. It’s really more of a glorified cameo than anything else. She plays the widow of a reporter who, years earlier, discovered the existence of The Bye Bye Man. This film came out a month or so before Dunaway and Warren Beatty accidentally gave the Best Picture Oscar to the wrong film at the 89th Annual Academy Awards. I’d like to think that was her getting revenge on Hollywood for not giving her better roles.

The Bye Bye Man did not lead to a franchise, which is a shame. I would pay money to see the future adventures of that engineer.