Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

Posted on November 19, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!

Episode 5.18 “Sitting Duck/Sweet Suzi Swann”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 6th, 1982)

Once again, Julie is not involved in either of this week’s fantasies. At the start of the episode, Roarke tells Tattoo that Julie has been trying to help a guest whose fantasy was to introduce “women’s lib” to cavemen. A woman then runs by while being chased by a caveman. Apparently, the fantasy did not go well. I’m a bit worried that Julie might lose her job because none of the fantasies that she’s involved with ever seem to go well.

As for this week’s guests, Chuck Conners shows up as Frank Barton. Barton is a big-game hunter. He has hunted and conquered almost every type of animal. Now, he wants to hunt the most dangerous animal of all …. okay, okay, you’ve heard all this before. This is not the first time that Fantasy Island has looked to The Most Dangerous Game for inspiration. However, this is the first time that the show has featured a hunter who specifically wants to stalk Mr. Roarke.

It’s a bit of an odd fantasy, though. Frank doesn’t want to chase Mr. Roarke through the forest or anything like that. Instead, Frank just wants to plant booby traps around the Island. If Mr. Roarke survives 24 hours, he’ll be fee to set a few traps of his own. Roarke agrees, explaining to Tattoo that, if Frank doesn’t come after him then he’ll go after someone else. Roarke is doing the world a favor by distracting Frank.

Frank tries, he really does. He tries poison. He tries explosives. Even though Mr. Roarke agrees not to use any of his “special powers,” he always manages to stay a step or two ahead of Frank. Finally, Frank kidnaps Tattoo and that’s when Mr. Roarke says enough of this. If you’ve ever wanted to see Mr. Roarke beat up a guest, this is the episode for you. Frank ends up leaving the Island in the custody of two burly men who are apparently going to check him into a mental hospital. Frank got his fantasy but it didn’t turn out well for him. At least he wasn’t trying to reason with cavemen….

Meanwhile, Suzi Swann (Helen Reddy) comes to the Island with her boss, fashion designer Jack Becker (George Maharis). Suzi is in love with Jack but Jack takes her for granted. Suzi’s fantasy is to fall out of love with him and …. wait a minute! Didn’t Helen Reddy sing “I am Woman?” Why is the show wasting her time with this fantasy when they could have cast her as the guest who wanted to teach the cavemen about equality? If they had done that, Julie could have worked with Helen Reddy and Roarke and Tattoo would have been free to concentrate on Frank and his homicidal fantasy! I mean, I think it was a mistake to give Roarke two assistants for this season but if you’re going to have Julie around, at least let her take part in one of the main fantasies….

Oh well. Let’s get back to the fantasy that actually did happen.

Roarke gives Suzi some magic gumdrops that were apparently made with special Fantasy Island berries. The gumdrops make Suzi feel the opposite of whatever she previously felt. She takes one and immediately announced that she doesn’t like either Roarke or Tattoo. “You’re short!” Suzi says to Tattoo which …. ugh. That’s a terrible line, considering that the show has previously always treated Tattoo’s height with a good deal of sensitivity.

Suzi is no longer in love with Jack and instead, she finds herself attracted to the mysterious Claude Duvalle (James Darren). But the fact that she is no longer willing to be Jack’s doormat leads to Jack realizing that he failed to appreciate her. Jack falls in love with Suzi and Suzi falls back in love with Jack.

As Suzi and Jack leave together, Tattoo suggests that Rorake failed to give Suzi her fantasy. Roarke explains that Suzi fell out of love with the old Jack but then she fell in love with the new Jack so actually, he totally succeeded. Uhm….whatever you say, Mr. Roarke.

Roarke then takes a magic gumball and tells Tattoo, “I don’t like you.”

AGCK! But actually, the gumball makes its user for the opposite of what they actually feel so Mr. Roarke actually does like Tattoo! Awwww! I’m glad that’s cleared up.

I enjoyed this episode. Much like last week’s episode it felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island. Neither fantasy really made much sense but both Roarke and Tattoo got to do a lot and that really made all the difference. Fantasy Island always works best when Roarke and Tattoo are more than just bystanders.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

Posted on November 13, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher almost gets rich!

Episode 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Florence Henderson was going to be one of the passengers on this week’s cruise. I still haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and, whenever Florence Henderson showed up on any of these shows, she always had to sing a song. Florence wasn’t a bad singer but she wasn’t a particularly interesting one either. I remember that she always seemed like she was trying too hard to be Barbra Streisand whenever she performed a song of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Her version of Broadway and easy listening was always adequate without being very memorable.

And, on this cruise, Florence does sing. She’s playing Annabelle Folker, a country singer who is hired to provide entertainment for the cruise. She sing a few country songs and speaks with a thick (and not very convincing) country accent. Annabelle is happy to discover that her childhood friend, Martin Correll (James Noble), is on the cruise with his uptight girlfriend and campaign manager, Barbara (Carol Lawrence). Martin — or Blinky as Annabelle calls him — is thrilled to be reunited with Annabelle. Barbara is less enthused and she eventually tells Annabelle that, if Martin is ever going to be a success in politics, he can’t spend all of his time with a country singer who says whatever pops into her head. What’s weird is that Annabelle decides that Barbara is right. She and Martin aren’t meant for each other. Martin is too much of a career politician. In the end, Martin leaves with Barbara and Annabelle leaves alone. It was a weird story. Annabelle came across like a stalker but Barbara wasn’t particularly sympathetic either. Martin was just kind of wimpy.

Meanwhile, Marcy Crane (Randi Oakes) boards the boat with her father, Richard Simmons (Mason Adams). Marcy’s just gotten a divorce and Richard is very protective of her. At first, he’s concerned when she meets Dr. Jonathan Hunt (Frank Bonner), a veterinarian. Once Marcy explains that she’s not going to rush into another relationship and she’s just looking for casual sex, her father gives the couple his blessing. This was an oddly inconsequential story.

Finally, Gopher finds a bag that’s full of money! After he counts the money, he discovers that he is now $47,612 richer! (Adjusted for inflation, that’s the equivalent of $130,000 today.) Or, at least, that’ll be the case if Gopher keeps the money. But Gopher’s a good man at heart so, ultimately, he tells Captain Stubing about the money. Stubing says that money will be Gopher’s if no one claims it at the end of the cruise. And indeed, it turns out that the money was not lost by any of the current passengers. Gopher’s happy until he spots a little old woman crying on the dock in Los Angeles. She says that she took a cruise two weeks ago and lost a bag with her life’s savings. Gopher gives her the money. Awwwww!

This was a sweet story and it was kind of nice to see Gopher get a plotline. Fred Grandy was a likable actor and I always like the episodes where Gopher reveals that he’s actually got a good heart underneath his goofy exterior. This story did feature one rather silly fantasy sequence, in which Gopher imagined riding in a limousine with Stubing as his chauffeur, Julie as his wife, and Viki as a little beggar child. It was kind of a weird fantasy, to be honest.

One good story out of three does not make for a great cruise. I enjoyed Gopher’s plotline but the other two stories alternated between being dull and annoying. This was not a great cruise.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.19 “Bio-Rhythms”

Posted on November 4, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, it’s all about bio-rhythms!

Episode 2.19 “Bio-Rhythms”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

The Davis family is back!

Now, if you don’t remember the Davises. they were the family of independent truckers who appeared in an episode called The Volunteers. Patriarch Charley Davis (Tige Andrews) is taciturn and protective. Their friend, Sam (Steve Franken), is taciturn and protective …. actually, to be honest, he and Charley are kind of interchangeable. Daughter Robbie (Katherine Cannon) is in charge of the business and is being pressured by another trucker (Michael Conrad), who is willing to resort to sabotage to keep Robbie from making her deliveries. It’s a good thing that Robbie has got Ponch on her side!

Technically, Robbie also has Baker on her side but this is definitely a Ponch episode. Baker is present but he does very little. Instead, it’s Ponch who flirts with Robbie. It’s Ponch who stops by Robbie’s apartment and uses her shower. It’s Ponch who spends an extended period of time wearing just a towel. Somewhat inevitably, Charley shows up around the same time that Ponch steps out of the shower. Ponch is kicked out of the apartment and his clothes are tossed out the window. Ponch loses his towel while retrieving his clothing. Cue the close-ups of an old woman staring at him with a impressed look in her eyes and Erik Estrada flashing his Estrada smile. It’s not that Erik Estrada wasn’t nice to look at. It’s just that he was so obviously aware that he was nice to look at that the whole scene ends up feeling rather smarmy. One gets the feeling that there was a clause in Estrada’s contract specifying that he, and only he, would be allowed to show off on the show.

While Ponch helps Robbie deal with her rivals, he also learns about biorhythms, the pseudo-science that says that, by calculating how long someone’s been alive, it can be determined which days are going to be good for them and which days are going to be bad. Sindy Cahill is doing a study on biorhythms for her master’s degree. Getraer tells his squad that the department is also very interested in whether or not biorhythms effect an officer’s productivity. Baker is skeptical about biorhythms but Ponch believes in them and even buys a biorhythm calculator.

Believing the Baker’s biorhythms have him at peak physical perfection, Ponch arranges for Baker to play handball against Getraer. Ponch even takes bets. Unfortunately, Ponch spent so much time figuring out Baker’s biorhythms that he never stopped to consider Getraer’s. The episode ends with Getraer on his way to victory and Baker looking embarrassed.

Handball? Biorhythms? Corrupt labor unions? Could this episode be more Californian?

This episode was fairly dull. A huge problem was that the Davis family and their drama are never as interesting as the show seems to think that they are. Much as with The Volunteers, I felt like I was watching a backdoor pilot for a show about the Davises when I really just wanted to watch a show about the Highway Patrol. This episode didn’t do much for me. Maybe everyone’s biorhythms were off when they filmed it.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Mr. Roarke might be a father!

Episode 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

After last week’s episode with Julie, Tattoo returns this week and Julie is nowhere to be seen. When Mr. Roarke asks where Julie is, Tattoo mentions that Julie is helping with the Custer’s Last Stand fantasy. At this point, I can only assume that a life insurance policy has been taking out on Julie and Roarke or Tattoo, or maybe both are trying to get her killed so they can collect.

Julie not being present means that she misses out on one of the biggest scandals in Fantasy Island history. A former guest, Fran Warner (Laraine Stephens), returns to the Island after seven years. Accompanying her is her six year-old daughter, Nancy (Nicole Eggert). Fran loudly declares that Mr. Roarke is Nancy’s father and that he now has an obligation to take care of her. Fran even has a birth certificate where, under the father’s name, someone has written — and I kid you not — “Mr. Roarke.”

Is Mr. Roarke the kid’s father? As is his habit, he refuses to answer the question directly when Tattoo asks it. But it soon turns out that no, Mr. Roarke is not Nancy’s father. Instead, Fran is sick and may be dying and she wants to make sure that Nancy is cared for. When Nancy learns the truth, she runs away and Tattoo leads a search party across the Island. Fear not, of course. Nancy is found and a very forgiving Mr. Roarke allows Nancy and Fran to stay on the Island. And Fran’s terminal disease suddenly becomes less terminal!

While this is going on, security guard Kevin Lansing (Ron Ely) gets to live his fantasy of helping a great detective. Kevin doesn’t care which detective he gets to help so Roarke sends him back to Victorian-era London so that Kevin can work with Dr. Watson (a charming Donald O’Connor) to save Sherlock Holmes (Peter Lawford, not looking well in one of his final performances) from the clutches of Moriarty (Mel Ferrer, being as sinister here as he was in countless giallo films). Kevin also falls for Nurse Heavenly (RIta Jenrette, the wife of a corrupt Democrat member of Congress) and is pleased to discover that she’s not really Moriarty’s assistant. Instead, she was just another guest on the Island having a fantasy.

The Sherlock Holmes story was silly but fun, in the way that Fantasy Island often is. It’s always interesting when this show goes into the past and we get to see how the show’s crew dressed up the show’s sets to try to make them look historically accurate. The same street appears in every episode but sometimes, that street is in 1890s London and sometimes, it’s in 1690s Salem and sometimes, it’s just in modern day Fantasy Island! As for the Mr. Roarke’s a father storyline, it was predictable but still, it was a good showcase for Ricardo Montalban’s enigmatic interpretation of Mr. Roarke.

This was a pleasant trip to the Island!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.14 “Daddy’s Little Girl/The Whistle”

Posted on October 22, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the stars align and John Carradine shows up on Fantasy Island.

Episode 5.14 “Daddy’s Little Girl/The Whistle”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 30th, 1982)

The plane is landing and Mr. Roarke and Julie are getting ready to meet their guests for the weekend. But wait a minute — where’s Tattoo!? Roarke explains that Tattoo has volunteered to spend the weekend learning how to do CPR. When a voluptuous nurse walks by, Julie rolls her eyes and says that Tattoo only cares about learning “mouth-to-mouth.”

“Julie!” Mr. Roarke snaps, even though Julie is probably correct.

Anyway, any episode without Tattoo feels strange and that’s certainly true of this episode. There are two fantasies, one of which was dramatically better than the other. The lesser of the two fantasies involves Christa Ackland (Genie Francis) and her efforts to find out the identity of her father. All she knows is that her mother (Carolyn Jones) knew her father in the Philippines during World War II. Christa is going to be married on Fantasy Island and she wants her real father to give her away.

Three men, all of whom served in the Air Force together, step forward and claim, one after the other, to be Christa’s father. When Christa finally confronts her mother, she learns that her father is not Gene (John Ericson), Al (Alan Hale, Jr.), or Bert (Gene Nelson). Instead, he was a guy named …. well, Guy. Guy was shot down while on a mission. Gene, Al, and Bert all explain that the stepped forward and claimed to be her father out of loyalty to Guy and because they didn’t want Christa to learn on her wedding say that her father was dead. (Apparently, they felt that information would be better received after the honeymoon.) Christa is surprisingly forgiving. She realizes that her stepfather (William Windom) has more than earned the right to give her away. Christa marries George Stickney (James Daughton, the head of the evil frat in Animal House) and Julie cries at the wedding. Awwww!

The main problem with this storyline was that Genie Francis gave a surprisingly bad performance as Christa. Instead of coming across as someone who truly wanted to know about her real father, she instead came across as being petulant and more than a little self-righteous. Carolyn Jones, William Windom, and the three potential fathers were all likable but none could make up for the unsympathetic lead character.

The other fantasy was a bit more fun, even if was impossible to follow the story. Iconologist Adrian Brilles (Edward Winters) dreams of making a great discovery that will bring him fame and prove his theories about ancient hieroglyphics to be correct. Mr. Roarke sends him to a ghost town that is also the home of a museum of ancient artifacts. Working with curator Leila Proctor (Ann Turkel), Adrian discovers what he describes as being “the Rosetta Stone of hieroglyphics.” He also discovers an ancient whistle that will grant him three wishes.

There are a few townspeople, all of whom take a lot of interest in Adrian’s work. Their leader is the town’s mortician and he’s played by — YES! — JOHN CARRADINE! And though Carradine doesn’t get to do much and was obviously physically frail when he filmed this episode, his famous voice and his piercing stare combine to make the Mortician a memorable character. There’s also a fairly ridiculous scene where the townspeople reveal their true selves, which means dancing around while wearing rubber demon masks. It’s silly but it’s effective.

It’s never quite clear what’s happening at the ghost town, beyond the three wishes being a set up to bring the demonic townspeople into the world and to cost Adrian his soul. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke pops up and gives Adrian some cryptic advice about the third wish being the most important. For his first wish, Adrian wishes for the townspeople to be their true selves. (Cue the demon dance.) For his second wish, he goes for fame and adulation. For his third wish, he cancels the first two wishes and this somehow set free not only his soul but Leila’s as well.

Yep, it doesn’t make much sense but it’s got John Carradine and a bunch of horror imagery so it’s fun. That’s all I really ask for when it comes to Fantasy Island. The whistle fantasy makes up for the wedding fantasy and the lack of Tattoo. This was a worthwhile trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

Posted on October 8, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode presents your erstwhile reviewer with a bit of an ethical quandary.

Episode 5.12 “The Magic Camera/Mata Hari/Valerie”

(Dir by Don Chaffey and Don Weis, originally aired on January 16th, 1982)

I don’t feel completely comfortable about reviewing this episode of Fantasy Island and I’ll tell you why.

Occasionally, Fantasy Island would broadcast an extra-long episode. These episodes would typically feature three fantasies as opposed to the usual two. Unfortunately, when these long episodes were syndicated, one of the fantasies would be edited out so the episode would fit into an hour-long slot. Usually, the editing was not particularly smooth, either. The end result would usually be an episode that seemed oddly paced and the performances of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize would often seem uneven as well. As such, it’s neither easy nor particularly fair to review those edited episodes. When it comes to reviewing, I always want to see the complete episode.

And yet, now that the original Fantasy Island is no longer streaming anywhere (seriously, what the Hell, Tubi?), I’m stuck using the episodes that I have on my DVR. And that means reviewing the edited, syndicated versions of these episodes.

As you can probably guess, this is one of those edited episodes. The Valerie fantasy was removed for syndication. That’s a shame because Valerie featured the final televised performance of actor Christopher George, a charismatic B-movie veteran who is pretty popular around the Shattered Lens offices. It also featured Michelle Phillips, though apparently she did not return as the mermaid who she played earlier on the show. I’d love to review Valerie but I can’t. And that sucks,

As for the other two fantasies, one is basically a remake of the Lillian Russell fantasy, except this time Martha Harris (Phyllis Davis) goes into the past and finds herself transformed into her great-grandmother, Mata Hari. She gets to dance. She gets to spy. She gets thrown in prison and sentenced to death but, fortunately, her life is spared when the firing squad’s rifles are filled with blanks and she’s given a drug by one of the men who is in love with that makes her appear to be dead. This was a enjoyable fantasy, mostly because of the costumes and the melodrama.

The other fantasy features Bob Denver, coming to the Island for the second week in a row. This time, he’s a photographer who wants to take the type of pictures that the world’s greatest photographers couldn’t. Because of the awkward way the fantasy was stated, the photographer ends up with a camera that takes pictures of the future. At first, the photographer is really happy and uses his camera to commit a little insider trading. But then he takes a picture of a newspaper and sees a headline announcing his death in a fiery auto accident. Uh-oh!

Again, neither of the two fantasies is bad (though the second one does require a certain tolerance for Bob Denver that some people may not have) but it was hard for me to enjoy them knowing that I was missing out on a third fantasy. For that reason, I assigning this episode a grade of incomplete. If I ever get a chance to watch the complete episode, uncut, I’ll revisit this review but until then, I really can’t give an overall grade to this episode.

Finally, for those keeping track, both Julie and Tattoo join Roarke when it’s time to greet the guests. That’s only second time that’s happened this season.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

Posted on September 17, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Smiles, everyone, smiles! It’s time to visit the Island.

Episode 5.9 “Romance Times Three/The Night of the Tormented Soul”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on December 5th, 1981)

This week again finds Tattoo working as Roarke’s assistant, which again means that the episode opens with Julie explaining that she won’t be able to help out Roarke and Tattoo with any of the new people coming to the Island. What makes this week memorable as far as Julie excuses are concerned is that the reason Julie can’t help is because she’s been given a difficult task by Tattoo. A 300-pound woman has come to the Island with a fantasy of leading the Charge of the Light Brigade and Tattoo has told Julie to find a horse for her. Tattoo smirks as Julie tells Roarke. Roarke wishes Julie luck while declining to help her himself.

As for the fantasies, let’s get the boring one out of the way first. Sally Harris (Georgia Engel) works for a phone answering service. I had to look this up via Google but apparently a phone answering service was something that people and companies used in the days before texts, voice mail and email. Someone like Sally would answer the phone for you, collect your messages, and then call you later to give them to you. I guess it was something that companies did when they were too cheap to hire a receptionist or a personal assistant. I don’t know, it just seems strange to me.

Sally has fallen in love with three of her clients, though she hasn’t actually met any of them. Jack (Frank Bonner) is a bon vivant who calls her for love advice. Tony (Frank Converse) is a businessman who calls her for financial advice. Ben (David Groh) is a writer who often discusses his writer’s block with Sally. All three of the men have come to the Island. Sally fears how the men will react to discovering the real her so Mr. Roarke casts a spell and tells Sally that each men will see her the way that he thinks of her. Tony sees Sally as a prim and determined businesswoman. Jack sees her as a dark-haired seductress. And Ben sees her as a …. well, as a clown. He has always resented Sally’s advice. Of course, Ben is the one who ultimately falls in love with the real Sally.

It’s not a bad idea for a fantasy but it doesn’t really work because Georgia Engel isn’t convincing whenever she takes on any of Sally’s different personas. No matter what costume she’s wearing, she still delivers all of her lines in this high-pitched whisper that sometimes make it difficult to understand what she’s saying. (She’s not quite as inaudible here as she was in Jennifer Slept Here but still, I did struggle to hear everything she said.) The men are all thinly written, as well. I was glad she ended up with the writer but in the end, I really wouldn’t have cared that much if she had ended up with the businessman or the sex addict.

The better fantasy features Stephen Shortridge and Dianne Kay as Jason and Beth Martinique. When they were children, Beth and Jason survived a shipwreck and washed up on the shore of Fantasy Island. They were raised by a local millionaire, Richard Martinique (Richard Anderson) and their nanny, Blanche Barrens (Elinor Donahue). Both Richard and Ms. Barrens died one stormy night. Richard was shot and Ms. Barrens’s neck was broken in a fall. Jason and Beth want to go back to their childhood home so they can learn what happened that night. Fortunately, the ghosts of Richard and Ms. Barrens are still in the mansion, giving Jason and Beth a chance to see the tragic accident that led to the deaths of both Richard and Ms. Barrens. Even better, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo show up to inform Jason and Beth that they aren’t really brother-and-sister and therefore, they are free to pursue a romance. That’s good because, before Roarke showed up, Jason and Beth were gazing at each other like the brother and sister from the old Folger’s commercial. You know who I’m talking about.

I always enjoy it when Fantasy Island deals with ghosts and haunted mansions and this fantasy was filled with atmosphere and melodrama. The accident that led to death of Richard and Ms. Barrens was ludicrous and yet somehow poignant at the same time.

So, an overall mixed review on this episode but I think the ghost fantasy makes up for the other fantasy. Plus, Tattoo gets to show off his karate skills! Let’s see Julie do that!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

Posted on September 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Episode 5.8 “Lillian Russell/The Lagoon”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 28th, 1981)

Tattoo is in this episode, which means that Julie only appears long enough to tell Mr. Roarke that she’s going to busy exploring the island with a bunch of hunky professors. (It says a lot about how poorly the Julie character has been developed that I couldn’t tell if Julie was supposed to be naive or clever when it came to going off with the men.)

At this point, it’s obvious that Julie was only added to the show to act as insurance in case Herve Villechaize walked off the set. Early on in the season, when Herve was apparently negotiating for a better contract, Julie had a few episodes where she was Roarke’s main assistant while Tattoo was described as being elsewhere on the island. But in the episodes where Tattoo is present, Julie always has to go do something else for the weekend. Ironically, Julie is such a bland and unnecessary character that it actually proves Herve Villechaize’s point about how important Tattoo was to the success of the show. By having Julie always leave whenever Tattoo is present, the show really only reminds the viewer that Roarke only needs on assistant and it’s Tattoo.

As for this week’s fantasies, they both have to do with the past.

Calvin Pearson (Claude Akin) has just spent years in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. He’s finally been released and, understandably, he really doesn’t want to have much to do with the rest of the world. When he was a child, he spent a summer on a nearby island with his father. His father was fisherman and Calvin claims that he once caught a fish that could sing. Calvin wants to spend the weekend on the Island and he wants to catch the same serenading fish.

Sound like a pretty simple fantasy, right? Well, Calvin is not happy to discover that the he’s not alone on “my island.” There’s now a trading post, run by Jake Dutton (Broderick Crawford) and his daughter, Mira (Pamela Susan Shoop). Even worse, there are some recently escaped convicts (led by Glenn Corbett) who want to kidnap Mira! At first, Calvin refuses to get involved. He just wants to fish. But, in the end, he finally does the right thing and saves the Duttons.

What about the “serenading fish?” Calvin may not have caught a fish but he did capture the heart of Mira, who hums a tune that she says she once heard out on the lagoon. Calvin leaves the Island alone but he tells Roarke that he plans to return so that he can work at the trading post with the Duttons.

This fantasy was a bit predictable and you really do have to wonder why Roarke insists on nearly getting his guests killed every week. It seems like that would lead to a lawsuit. But the fantasy does feature a good performance from Claude Akin as a man who manages to conquer his own bitterness.

As for the other fantasy, it features Phyllis Davis as a writer named Lilly Martin who wants to write a book about the singer Lillian Russell. Roarke sends her back to 1890s New York and literally transforms Lilly into Lillian Russell, complete with singing talent and two notorious suitors, “Diamond Jim” Brady (Gene Barry) and Peter Whiting (Craig Stevens). This fantasy was enjoyable eye candy, with Lilly getting to dress up as Lillian Russell and getting to wear all sorts of jewels. Unfortunately, it’s also a fantasy that ends with a poker game. I’ve never been able to follow poker and I always groan a little whenever the plot of a show hinges on the outcome. Whenever people start talking about “bluffing” and “royal flushes,” and all that, my eyes just glaze over and that was the case here.

That said, at least Mr. Roarke got to take part in Lilly’s fantasy, popping up not once but three times to see how everything was going! In fact, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo also popped up in Calvin’s fantasy. It’s always fun when Roarke drops in.

The poker game aside, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island. Season 5 has been a bit uneven but this was one of the better episodes.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion, YouTube, Plex, and a host of other sites.

Let’s see what’s happening on Fantasy Island this week!

Episode 5.6 “Druids/A Night In A Harem”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

Hey, Tattoo is back!

Now, interestingly enough, Tattoo is in this episode but Julie only appears for a few seconds, just long enough to tell Roarke that she will be too busy babysitting to help out with any of the fantasies this week. Considering that she’s screwed up almost everything she’s been entrusted with, I’m sure Roarke was relieved to hear this. Still, you have to wonder if there was some rule that Julie and Tattoo couldn’t be equally featured in the same episode.

Tattoo is enthused about one of the fantasies this week. Shy and nerdy Herbie Snyder (Paul Williams) wants to have a harem for the weekend so that he can build up his confidence. Tattoo offers to accompany Herbie on his fantasy but Roarke says that won’t be necessary. It turns out Herbie screwed up when he requested his fantasy and asked to be a part of a harem.

Soon, Herbie finds himself surrounded by a bunch of oily body builders as he becomes a member of an all-male harem that belongs to the Contessa (Jayne Meadows)! Herbie is not comfortable being a sex toy but he is happy to meet and fall in love with Lisa (Pat Klous), the daughter of the Contessa. Fortunately, it turns out that the Contessa has a fantasy of her own and that’s for Lisa (hey, great name!) to meet and fall in love with a good man. Herbie and Lisa even get married on Fantasy Island!

This whole fantasy was silly, with Jayne Meadows devouring the scenery as only a veteran guest star can. That said, Paul Williams and Pat Klous were a cute couple.

As for the other fantasy, Lauren Fandell (Joan Prather) wants to be the center of attention. Roarke informs her that she’s a descendant of Druid queen. It turns out that there’s some druids living on a nearby island! Lauren heads over to Druid Island and is promptly proclaimed Queen of the Druids. “Are you married? she is asked. When she says she’s not, she is proclaimed the Virgin Queen. Uhmmm, okay. Maybe that’s a druid thing but that just seems like a huge assumption to me….

Unfortunately, being the Virgin Queen means that she’s due to be sacrificed to their God, the evil Pan. Roarke shows up briefly and gives her a magic acorn necklace, which she does eventually use to distract Pan and escape with her new boyfriend, Paul (Dennis Cole).

(And yes, it does turn out that Paul was another guest whose fantasy was to study the druids.)

This was a good episode. The fantasies were entertainingly silly and Tattoo was back. We even got a little of the old Roarke/Tattoo banter, which used to be a highlight of the show. This episode, with all of its silliness and melodrama, felt like what Fantasy Island was meant to be.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

Posted on May 7, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, season 4 comes to an end.

Episode 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 23rd, 1981)

This week, Tattoo is stunned to see Manuel (A Martinez) and Consuelo Lopez (Linda Cristal) get off the plane with their young son, Paquito (Anthony Trujillo). Tattoo immediately guesses that Mr. Roarke must have given them a special deal so they could come to the Island and he snaps that Roarke is too nice.

Roarke, never one to worry about being nice when it come to Tattoo, replies that young Paquito nearly died earlier in the year and now, Manuel and Consuelo are on the verge of losing their frame. Manual and Consuelo wanted to give Paquito a wonderful birthday party before they end up homeless. Take that, Tattoo!

Manuel’s wealthy relative, Dona Delores (Victoria Racimo), is also on the Island and Paqutio soon starts hanging out with her, despite Manuel resenting her for having money. Delores, who cannot have children of her own, has an idea. Maybe she could adopt Paquito and give him the life that Manuel and Consuelo never could. In return, she could help Manuel’s out with his money problems.

Don’t worry! Manuel and Conseulo don’t lose Paquito and they even get to stay on Fantasy Island. And it also turns out that Delores isn’t so bad after all. This is Fantasy Island and nothing bad has happened on Fantasy Island since that hunter died at the end of his fantasy. The ending is happy and the fantasy is ultimately pleasant and kind of forgettable. In the end, what I’ll always remember is that the voice of young Paquito was obviously dubbed by an adult woman trying to sound like a child. That was kind of weird.

Of course, it wasn’t as weird as the other fantasy.

Nancy Harvester (Randi Oakes) has spent the past few years of your life taking care of her terminally ill uncle. After her uncle passed, he left her a fantasy in his will. He wants Nancy to enjoy life and finally get a boyfriend. When Roarke informs Nancy why her uncle wanted his will to be read on Fantasy Island, Nancy replies that she’s never even been with a man and there’s no way she can make her uncle’s last fantasy come true. (Her uncle’s last fantasy was for his niece to lose her virginity? That is definitely kind of creepy….) Fortunately, Nancy’s childhood crush, Gene (Jim Stafford), is on the Island and Roarke summons a special friend to give Nancy advise.

Meet Helen of Troy (played by Jill St. John)!

Yes, the same Helen of Troy who inspired one of the bloodiest and most tragic wars in ancient history is the person that Mr. Roarke recruits to give advise to Nancy. I mean, was the mermaid busy? What about Aphrodite? Remember how Aphrodite lives on Fantasy Island? Couldn’t Mr. Roarke have asked them to help out?

Interestingly enough, the dialogue between Helen and Roarke indicate that they are lifelong friends, which would indicate that Mr. Roarke is several thousand years old. Helen also makes a few comments that suggest that she and Roarke were once quite close. Was Mr. Roarke involved in the war with Sparta? I wonder which side he was on.

But what about Nancy? Does Helen help out Nancy? Yes, of course she does. This is Fantasy Island so, of course, Nancy and Gene depart on the same plane.

All fantasies come true on Fantasy Island, which is one reason why the original show continues to be so loved. I would argue that the reason why the recent Fantasy Island reboot failed was because it complicated things by attempting to explore the lives of the people who lived and worked on the Island, as opposed to just focusing on fantasies with happy endings. For all the time that I’ve spent speculating about what the Island actually is and how it works, it ultimately doesn’t matter. No one cares how Fantasy Island works. All that matters is that it does.

So ends season 4 of Fantasy Island. It was a bit of an uneven season. The obvious hostility between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize made more than a few scenes a bit awkward to watch. I miss the playfulness that defined their interactions during the earlier seasons. But still, the Island is lovely and it’s fun to imagine what it would be like to really go there.

Next week, Roarke and Tattoo are joined by a new helper as the fifth season begins!