Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

Posted on December 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, there’s a lot happening on the beach!

Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

(Dir by Vern Gillum, originally aired on December 1st, 1989)

Eddie gets his wisdom teeth taken out. Feverish and on pain-killers, he has a hallucination in which Gina Pomeroy (Holly Gagnier) kisses him. Eddie spends the entire episode nervous that Craig is going to discover that he’s having an affair with his wife but actually, Eddie isn’t having an affair. It’s not until the end of the episode that Gina tells Eddie that they never kissed and Eddie finally starts to relax. Gina promises not to tell Craig because “I think it’s sweet.” Myself, I’m just curious as to how stupid Eddie actually is.

Shauni and Jill deal with a teenage boy who has made a bet with his friends that he’ll be able to get a kiss from both of them.

And a horrifying serial killer (Robert Trebor) is stalking the night, brutally murdering people on the beach.

One of these storylines is not like the other!

The first season of Baywatch was seriously weird. Light-hearted lifeguard hi-jinx would be mixed in with scenes of people being murdered. Mitch and Craig weren’t just lifeguards. They were also cops who solved mysteries (Kind of like Baywatch Nights!) and they put their lives at risk to do so. Remember how I mentioned that Gina told Eddie that they never kissed? She told him that after she had been rescued from the serial killer. Gina nearly died! Neither Gina nor Craig seemed to be too upset about that, though. I would be a little bit traumatized but that’s just me.

This episode really didn’t work for me. Personally, I like the light-hearted stuff. It’s dumb but, at heart, Baywatch’s appeal is that it’s a dumb show with nice scenery. Tossing a serial killer into the mix just made things unpleasant. It didn’t feel like it belonged on a show about people running on the beach in red bathing suits.

This is my last Baywatch review of 2025. Retro Television Reviews will be taking a break for the holidays so that I can focus on Awards Season and Christmas movies! Baywatch will return on January 10, 2026.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.6 “The Sky Is Falling”

Posted on November 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the ocean is full money!

Episode 1.6 “The Sky Is Falling”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 27th, 1989)

Baywatch was a show that was often known for being unintentionally funny.

Of course, it’s open for debate just how self-aware Baywatch may or may not have been. Some of the show’s writers and directors have claimed that the show was meant to be campy. At the same time, there are cast members who specifically left because they felt that there was no way to play some of the scenes they were expected to perform. Professional surfer Kelly Ward left the cast after he read a script that involved him fighting an octopus that tried to steal his surf board. Jason Momoa has said that appearing on Baywatch Hawaii early in his career made it difficult for him to convince other casting directors to give him a chance. That said, David Hasselhoff reportedly continues to swear that Baywatch was a sincere tribute to lifeguards and that it was responsible for people learning how to perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver. Once you’ve watched Hasselhoff tear up while talking about a girl who saved her little brother using a technique she saw on Baywatch, you’re left with little doubt that Hasselhoff took the show very seriously.

That said, I do think most of the humor on Baywatch was unintentional. That’s especially true of the first season, which was about as earnest as a network television show can be. With this week’s episode, Baywatch tried to be intentionally funny and the results were definitely mixed.

The humor came from Harv (James Sloyan) and Sylvia (Carol Siskind), two frumpy bank robbers who crashed their private plane in the ocean and subsequently lost a suitcase containing thousands of dollars. Throughout the episode, there are shots of the suitcase floating in the ocean. Finally, a boat collides with it and money goes flying everywhere. Soon, everyone is running into the water and getting trapped in a riptide. Lifeguards to the rescue! As for Harv and Sylvia, they were meant to be funny but instead, their constant bickering just got annoying. Watching them, I thought to myself, “If these two idiots can rob a bank, anyone can do it!” That’s not a Hasselhoff-approved message.

Slightly more successful was a storyline about Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham) deciding that he needed to get back on the beach. For Thorpe, this meant working a tower with Eddie and Shauni. For Eddie and Shauni, that meant having to spend hour after hour listening to Thorpe’s long-winded stories. Billy Warlock and Erika Eleniak actually did a pretty good job portraying the mind-numbing boredom of being stuck with Captain Thorpe.

As for the serious storyline, Gail has accepted a job in Ohio and wants to move there …. with Hobie! However, when Mitch helps Gail pack, they both get sentimental and end up sleeping together, leading Hobie to believe that his parents are going to get back together. Hey, divorced parents — DO NOT DO THIS! Seriously, divorce is hard enough on a child without giving them false hope. In the end, Gail decides to let Hobie stay in California after Hobie uses his junior lifeguard training to save the life of a drowned girl. Hobie’s a hero and his big reward is that he doesn’t have to go to Ohio. I’m going to say “Ouch!” on behalf of the Buckeye State.

In the end, this episode was pretty uneven. The thieves weren’t ever a credible threat but I did laugh at everyone running into the ocean to try to grab the stolen money. The important thing is that the show didn’t have to relocate to Ohio.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

Posted on November 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)

Hobie’s such a dumbass.

For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing. This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.

Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad. So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers. It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.

In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team. Truth be told, Eddie is a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people. That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot. (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.) Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time. I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help. Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.

This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie. Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible. Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark. It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.3 “Second Wave”

Posted on October 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Trouble comes to Malibu!

Episode 1.3 “Second Wave”

(Dir by Scott Brazil, originally aired on October 13th, 1989)

Jimmy Roche (Daniel Quinn), an old friend-turned-enemy of Eddie’s, is in Malibu and he and his gang are eager to give Eddie a hard time. When Eddie tries to rescue a man in the water, Jimmy trips him and then plays keep-away with Eddie rescue can. Dang, these guys are hardcore!

Eddie doesn’t want to tell anyone about his past, even after Jimmy files an assault complaint against him. (Eddie was provoked into throwing a punch.) Jimmy threatens to robs Gina and Craig unless Eddie gives him some money. Eddie agrees to meet with Jimmy but then tells the cops. Garner Ellerbee decides to set up an undercover sting, which basically means that Garner stands next to Eddie while Eddie waits for Jimmy to show up. Somehow, Jimmy figures out what’s going on. Looks like Eddie will just have to beat Jimmy up on the beach and prove that he’s no longer a delinquent from Philadelphia.

That would be an intense storyline, if not for the fact that Jimmy himself comes across as being kind of a wimp. I mean, a young David Spade is a member of his gang! Eddie allows himself to be intimidated by a young David Spade! Think about that. This storyline just made Eddie seem kind of dumb,

Meanwhile, a young Mariska Hargitay gave a terrible performance as Lisa (hey!), the daughter of the head of the country club. Lisa (!) decided to pursue a romance with the country club’s lifeguard, Trevor, as a way of upsetting her father. When Lisa (!) jumped into the ocean to make a point (though I’m not sure what point), Trevor rescued her. However, Lisa (!) later went into shock because she still had water in her lungs. Trevor was able to get her to the hospital in time but he learned an important lesson about not being a cocky lifeguard.

“The county lifeguards know about secondary drowning,” he’s told.

Okay, so why wouldn’t Trevor know about that? The whole idea behind Trevor’s character is that he was a hotshot lifeguard in Australia before he came to California. So, is the show implying that he wasn’t trained in lifeguard basics in Australia because given how famous Australia is for its beaches, I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, after she recovers Lisa (!) announces that she’s going back to New York and Trevor realizes that she was only using him to make her father angry. Trevor stops by Baywatch HQ and talks to Mitch and admits that he doesn’t enjoy working as a lifeguard. Lifeguard Jill Riley gives him a sympathetic look. It looks like they’re falling in love but I’ve seen this series before so I already know that Jill is going to get eaten by a shark and Trevor is going to vanish after a few more episodes.

This episode could have used a shark.

We love you, Roboshark!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.2 “Heat Wave”

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.2 “Heat Wave”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 29th, 1989)

Not much of an episode this week, I’m afraid.

California is dealing with a heat wave and no one has air conditioning (really?) so everyone in Los Angeles is heading down to the beach so that they can relax in the hot sand. Eddie and Trevor keep giving each other the side eye because Eddie is a Baywatch lifeguard and Trevor is a country club life guard. Eddie tries to hit on a woman who has spent the entire day relaxing near his tower but it turns out that she’s visiting from Australia and only has eyes for Trevor. “Maybe next time,” she tells Eddie.

Craig is told by his boss that he has to choose between being a lawyer at a big firm or a lifeguard. Craig’s wife, Gina, suggests that Craig quit the law firm and become a beachfront lawyer. She says that he can still be a lifeguard and he can just use their kitchen table as his desk. I don’t know if I would be as understanding as Gina. Craig was making a lot of money as a big corporate lawyer, even if he apparently couldn’t afford to get an air conditioner.

(What the Heck, California? How are you surviving with air conditioning!?)

Meanwhile, two stupid kids get trapped in a storm drain. Mitch sends the junior lifeguards out to look for them. Hobie asks, “What can a bunch of junior lifeguards do?” Mitch replies that this is an opportunity for the junior lifeguards to go to all the places that they’re usually not allowed to go. So, basically, Mitch’s plan to find the missing kids is to put a bunch of other kids at risk. I guess that’s why he’s the lieutenant.

Luckily, the two dumb kids are rescued. One of the kids is the son of Steve Humboldt (Jeffrey Byron), a former Baywatch lifeguard. It turns out that Steve lost custody of his kid in a court case and he basically abducted him. But, after the kid nearly dies, Steve is like, “We’re going to call your mom and go home!” and that apparently makes everything okay under the “He Changed His Mind Afterwards” clause.

This was all pretty dumb. Stay out of the storm drain, kids! It’s not that difficult.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.1 “In Deep”

Posted on October 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Hobie’s a snitch!

Episode 1.1 “In Deep”

(Dir by Peter H. Hunt, originally aired on September 22nd, 1989)

Hobie, you idiot!

Mitch’s young son is spending the summer with his father and he’s supposed to be concentrating on summer school. Instead, he hanging out with two older guys, Scott (Christopher Murphy) and Ron (Lance Gilbert), and basically letting himself be used as a slave in return for jet ski lessons.

Mitch is not a fan of jet skis. They’re unregulated and they’re dangerous, he says. As if to prove Mitch’s point, Scott collides with a windjammer! The woman on the windjammer is killed. (Craig and Eddie pull her body out of the ocean, which is the type of sad thing that Baywatch would eventually stop featuring.) Hobie, realizing Scott is guilty, tries to find the evidence to prove it and nearly gets himself killed as a result. Fortunately, Mitch is able to save him and Scott is arrested. I have to say that, after this episode, I kind of found myself agreeing with Mitch’s ex-wife. The beach is too dangerous!

Meanwhile, Craig caught Eddie sleeping in his lifeguard tower and realized that Eddie, who I assume is getting paid to be a lifeguard, doesn’t have a home. Did he ever have a home? Has he been sleeping on the beach all this time? How did he apply for Lifeguard School without an address? Anyway, Craig takes Eddie back to his Venice loft, where Craig’s wife (now played by Holly Gagnier, replacing the pilot’s Gina Hecht) decides that they should let Eddie rent their storage room. It’s even got a view of the beach, if you ignore all the other buildings in the way and instead just find that one unobstructed alley to look down. (Actually, Eddie finding and looking down that alley was cute and likable. He was so excited!) I have to say that, for a lawyer, Craig’s loft really sucked. It was pretty impressive for a lifegaurd, though.

The other big development this week is that Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams) made his first appearance as the beach cop who hates sand. (Then why become a beach cop?) He and Mitch appear to be old friends. Little do they know that they will eventually open up a detective agency together.

This episode was predictable but the cast was super likable. The earnestness of it all carried the day.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier

Posted on October 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, I start a new series of reviews. Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch. All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….

“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

It’s not easy being a lifeguard.

That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch. Consider the drama:

Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call). Hobie doesn’t like going to school. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father. Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues. He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard. His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that. Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks. Ewwww. You have to wear socks, Mitch!

Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard. He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system. Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl. Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard. I bet it’s never happened to Mitch. Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself. Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.

Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.

Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”

Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower. Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower. He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick). Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him. When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her. Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht). This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.

This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages. Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks. Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out. Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.

And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success. The beach scenery is nice. The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it. Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention. It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.

Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit. Baywatch followed. We’ll get into that next week.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 10/9/22 — 10/15/22

Posted on October 15, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I spent most of this week watching movies but I did catch a few shows. Here’s some thoughts on them:

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

Ava is such a cool principal! This week’s episode wasn’t as strong as the previous three episodes but the scenes in which we saw how Ava dealt with disciplinary problems were entertaining. “I want to go to the principal’s office!”

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I reviewed the latest episode of The Amazing Race here!

Atlanta (Thursday Night, FX)

Another crazy day at the mall. I’m glad Al survived. Earn and Darius got their shoes. The Crank Dat Killer was taken off the streets. Some Guy Named Doug finally got to collaborate with Al. Another day in Atlanta.

Bachelor in Paradise (Monday and Tuesday Night, ABC)

Eh. This season is too complicated for me. The scenery’s nice.

Baywatch (Weekday Morning, H&I)

I watched an episode of Baywatch on Wednesday morning. After an accident left him paralyzed, Manny had a crisis of confidence. Meanwhile, Neely and Mitch continued to argue on the beach. This was an episode from Baywatch’s final season. It was all a bit silly but the scenery was nice.

Fantasy Island (Tubi)

You can read my review of what I watched by clicking here!

Full House (Sunday Evening, MeTV)

In the first episode, Aunt Becky went back to work and Danny panicked because it meant his new girlfriend would be leaving Wake Up, San Francisco. Fortunately, she got hired to do weather so I guess that all worked out. Becky going back to work reminded me of how little Jesse actually does.

In the second episode, a singer was hired to perform at Stephanie’s birthday party. Stephanie had a crush on him but he had a crush on DJ. The singer was like 30 so he really shouldn’t have had a crush on either of them.

Ghosts (Thursday Night, CBS)

Poor Jay! He just wants some friends, like his wife has with the ghosts. Unfortunately, he always seems to end up finding the worst possible friends around. This week, he nearly got sucked into a cult. Perhaps Jay should follow the ghost’s advice and become a snake oil salesman.

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)

O’Shay being eliminated was not a huge surprise. It really should have happened last week, when he tried to send out raw chicken. The episode ended with Chef Ramsay announcing that the 20s vs. 40s competition was over and the show was reverting back to its usual women vs men format. Again, this wasn’t a huge surprise. Hell’s Kitchen, unlike several other reality shows, has pretty much stuck with its original format and I don’t see it changing any time soon.

Interview With A Vampire (Sunday Night, AMC)

I’m still struggling to get into this one, for whatever reason. I’ll give it another try next week and maybe rewatch the first two episodes as well.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

This week, the criminal was a serial killer who was also a famous actor. The episode wasn’t anything special but at least it wasn’t obnoxiously political.

Law & Order: Organized Crime (Thursday Night, NBC)

I watched it but I’d be lying if I said I remembered a thing about it, beyond Stabler looking like he was about to give himself a heart attack with all of his pent-up rage.

Law & Order: SVU (Thursday Night, NBC)

Again, I watched it but I don’t remember much about it. By broadcasting all of these Law & Order shows on the same night, NBC is causing them to blend together in my mind.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I reviewed what I watched here!

Mike Judge’s Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount Plus)

I honestly thought last week’s episode was the season finale but it turns out I was wrong! A new episode dropped on Thursday. Beavis and Butt-Head building their own dinosaur was hilarious and also sad. “Why did we do this?”

The Real Love Boat (Wednesday Night, CBS)

Who cares? The old Love Boat is more fun.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I reviewed the latest episode of Survivor here!

Talking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

I didn’t pay much attention. Chris Hardwicke seemed kind of bored with it all.

The Walking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

I hate to admit it but I have yet to find the time to write out full length reviews of the past two episodes of The Walking Dead. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to do it next week. As for last week’s episode, it was an improvement on the episode that came before it. I’m kind of bored with the downfall of the Commonwealth, though. I think the show made an excuse taking that long break before starting the final half of season 11. I was really into the show before that break but now I’m struggling to get reinvested.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 3/13/22 — 3/19/22

Posted on March 19, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I probably watched too much television this week. It happens. But, on the plus side, I finally finished the first season of Baywatch Hawaii and I’m making progress on Silk Stalkings. Plus, The Bachelor is over and I’m finally going to get a break from that franchise. It’s always good to find the positive in things.

Here are some thoughts on what I watched this week:

American Idol (Sunday Night, ABC)

Despite having announced last week that they had found the next great superstar in that girl who played the piano, the American Idol judges were back for more auditions this week. As I’ve been saying ever since this season began, American Idol could use a little more negativity. I know that we’re all supposed to be super supportive nowadays but these shows are more fun when some obnoxious dude who can’t carry a tune gets his dreams shattered by a snarky Brit. Maybe Katy should bring Orlando with her to the next set of auditions. He seems like he could handle the role.

That said, I did like the gospel singer because he seemed to be a genuinely nice person and I just hope the show doesn’t ruin him. If he says he wants to sing gospel, let him sing gospel and let America decide whether or not to keep him around. Personally, I’m not a huge gospel music fan but whatever. It obviously meant a lot to him.

The Bachelor (Monday and Tuesday Night, ABC)

Mostly because I found Clayton to be rather dull (hence, why I called him the Claytonbot), I didn’t watch much of the latest season of The Bachelor. (It didn’t help, of course, that the Bachelor was scheduled opposite both Celebrity Big Brother and the Olympics.) However, I did join my BFF Evelyn to watch the two-part finale on Monday and Tuesday nights.

Wow, what a mess. The Claytonbot finally learned what love is and then promptly told three separate women that he was in love with them. He then slept with two of them, which led the third one — Susie — to leave the show. Then, at the Rose Ceremony, Claytonbot informed Gabby and Rachel that 1) he loved both of them and 2) that he had slept with both of them. This caused Gabby to walk off the show. Claytonbot, however, convinced Gabby to come back and accept the rose. The next day, Gabby and Rachel both had a nice meeting with the Claytonbot’s human family. After Gabby and Rachel left, Claytonbot informed everyone but the two women that he had decided that actually was in love with Susie and that he wanted a chance to try to convince her to return to the show. It didn’t seem to occur to the Claytonbot that Gabby and Rachel might not be happy with the idea of going through all of this emotional turmoil just so he could then track down the woman who had previously dumped him. The Claytonbot’s human family looked deeply disappointed in him and somewhat embarrassed to be associated with him on national television. That was all on Monday’s episode.

Tuesday’s episode was even messier as the Claytonbot dumped both Gabby and Rachel because he had decided that he was “most in love” with Susie. Gabby yelled, Rachel cried, and they both ended up leaving. Claytonbot proposed to Susie and Susie …. turned him down. Bachelor Nation rejoiced! But then host Jesse Palmer revealed that, after filming wrapped up, Susie slid into the Claytonbot’s DMs and now the two of them are dating. The live studio audience was not happy, especially when Claytonbot said that all of the emotional turmoil was worth it to end up with Susie. Try telling that to Gabby and Rachel, you dumbfug! (I gave up cursing for Lent.)

Anyway, this season of the Bachelor ended not with an engagement but instead a lot of pain and hostility. At least Gabby and Rachel will be the next bachelorettes.

Bar Rescue (Sunday and weekday mornings, Paramount)

I watched one episode on Sunday morning. The owner of an Irish pub was drinking too much so Jon Taffer called him a jerk in front of all of his friends. That probably helped with the alcoholism.

On Monday, I watched another episode. In this one, Taffer and the crew revealed that the bar was selling cheap beer at premium prices. This, of course, led to a Roadhouse-style bar brawl. If only Dalton had been there to break it up. Oh well!

On Tuesday, I again watched one episode. Why was I watching so much Bar Rescue? It’s kind of a fun show. Jon Taffer is amusing and the show itself has a sense of humor about itself. Anyway, Tuesday’s episode was about yet another bar owner who had a drinking problem. Why do so many drunks end up owning bars? I would never want to mix my hobbies with my day job. Taffer yelled at her to get sober and, by the end of the episode, the alcoholism had been vanquished and the bar was making a lot of money. Yay!

Baywatch Hawaii (Prime and Hulu)

On Tuesday night, I watched two episodes from the first season of Baywatch Hawaii. The first episode featured Jessie training for a triathlon and then abandoning the race as soon as she realized that the team needed her to help out with a rescue. Jessie put aside her personal goals for the good of the team. If I was in a similar situation, I cannot say that I would have done the same. This second episode that I watched featured Sean, Jenna, and the team heading to the Big Island for a conference on drowning. With Jenna’s help Sean came to terms with the drowning death of his son. Both episodes felt like they had been assembled from scenes that had been cut from previous episodes. There was an odd subplot during the first episode in which Jason was haunted by an apparently malicious water demon. That whole storyline got abandoned after 20 minutes and was never mentioned again. It was odd. Like, seriously, how do you just forget about a water demon?

On Wednesday afternoon, I finally finished up season 1 with the final two episodes of the season. Top-billed David Hasselhoff, who was absent for most of the season, finally returned as Mitch Buchanon. In the first episode I watched, he helped Jessie’s grandfather deal with the guilt that he felt over surviving the attack on Pearl Harbor. Awwww! Make fun of the Hoff all you want but sentimental stuff like this is what he’s good at and it was actually a pretty effective episode (by Baywatch Hawaii standards, of course). The 2nd episode and the season finale featured Mitch …. GETTING BLOWN UP BY ECO-TERRORISTS! Well, I guess that’s one way to get out of the show. (Reportedly, the Hoff felt that he had been typecast as a result of his work on Baywatch. Well, when you do a show for ten years, that will happen, I suppose.) From what I understand, though, there was later a Baywatch reunion movie that established that Mitch actually survived the explosion, though with a case of amnesia. That’s good because Mitch deserved better. Other than Mitch getting blown up, the most interesting thing about this episode was that it revealed that both he and Sean were apparently part-time CIA agents, along with being lifeguards. Good for them! It’s always interesting to me how many part-time CIA agents there are on shows like this.

On Friday afternoon, I watched the first episode of the second season of Baywatch Hawaii. There was no mention of Mitch or his sacrifice. No one even seemed to be in mourning. Instead, the episode introduced the viewers to a few new trainee lifeguards and also one new senior lifeguard, played by Brande Roderick. Quite a few members of the first season cast were gone without explanation. Jason Momoa was still there, however. He looked kind of embarrassed. As for the episode itself, it dealt with Sean and a former friend of his, an arrogant jet skier who didn’t care about stuff like teamwork. *GASP!*

Beyond the Edge (Wednesday Night, CBS)

In this new reality show, 9 celebrities spend two weeks in the jungle and compete to raise money for charity. Who will stay the entire two weeks!? I watched the first episode and I don’t really care. The celebs don’t really have any sort of personal stake in all of this so the competition aspect of it all is pretty dull. I’m just glad that they’ve never done a celebrity edition of Survivor. You know it’s going to happen someday, though.

The Bold and the Beautiful (Weekday Afternoon, CBS)

I watched an episode of the world’s greatest daytime drama on Tuesday afternoon. Not much happened in the episode but the clothes were to die for and everyone owned a really nice house. That’s the important thing. It’s still hard for me to accept anyone other than Ronn Moss as Ridge. Yes, I know it’s been ten years since Moss left the role but you have to understand that I don’t watch this show that often so, in my mind, it should still be exactly the same way that it was in 2009.

The Brady Bunch (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

MeTV showed four driving-related episodes of The Brady Bunch on Sunday. Greg bought a car, without talking to his father about it first. Carol had an accident and was sued by the other driver, who was faking his injuries. Greg was told that he would not be allowed to drive his car for a week after nearly having an accident and then outsmarted his father by driving someone else’s car. Marcia tried to get her license and this, of course, led to her and Greg getting into a fight over whether men were naturally better drivers than women.

I’m a bit disappointed that MeTV did not show the controversial episode were Mr. Brady ran over the homeless guy and then forced Alice to take the blame. (Fortunately, Alice got out of prison just in time to appear on The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.)

Children’s Hospital (Hulu)

Yay! My favorite medical show is on Hulu! I rewatched season one on Sunday night. Fortunately, since there were only five 11-minute episodes in that season, it only took me an hour. But what an hour! How great it was to see the early days of Children’s Hospital, when Dr. Cat Black was narrating her thoughts and Dr. Lola Spratt was pretending to have a brain tumor so she could break up with Owen. And let’s not forget Dr. Blake Downs, curing people with the power of laughter!

Court Cam (Wednesday, A&E)

I only watched one episode on Wednesday evening. This episode featured too much true crime footage for me. I prefer when the episode focuses on lawyers acting strangely and judges speaking sarcastically. Watching the actual crimes that led to people ending up in court in the first place just isn’t as much fun.

The Dropout (Hulu)

I reviewed the latest episode of The Dropout here!

Full House (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

Things continued to get heated at the Tanner household. First, Joey and Jesse had to write a jingle together. Then, the Beach Boys mysteriously showed up. This was followed by Joey trying to be an authority figure as opposed to just a second-rate comic with an angry ex-girlfriend. Finally, Danny was frustrated to discover that there apparently wasn’t a single woman in San Francisco who hadn’t already dated Jesse. Poor DJ and Stephanie, it had to be traumatic growing up in that household! That said, everything always worked out in the end. The sentimental music would play. Danny would say something wise. The audience would respond with, “Awwwwwww!”

Happy Days (Weekday Evenings, MeTV)

I’m never quite understood the popularity of this old show but I did watch one episode on Tuesday evening. The Fonz had to convince his cousin, Spike, not to be a delinquent. Ron Howard only appeared for a few minutes at the start of the episode. I guess it was largely filmed during his week off.

Inventing Anna (Netflix)

On Friday, I finally decided to return to watching Inventing Anna. It’s not so much that Inventing Anna is any good (it’s not) as much as it’s just a case of me not wanting to leave anything unfinished. I started watching this show and dammit, I’m going to finish it! Even if it takes me until 2024.

Anyway, I finally watched the 6th episode, which was all about Anna and her friends traveling to Morocco and Anna apparently committing credit card fraud in order to pay for the whole vacation. To be honest, though, the episode was really about the character of Vivian Kent bulging her eyes and going overboard with the facial expressions while listening to everyone’s story. After spending an hour presenting Anna as being a terrible and manipulative friend, the episode suddenly shifted gears and had people talking about how, “I felt so sorry for Anna, in Morocco all alone.” It was kind of annoying and didn’t make much sense. Nothing about the way Anna has been portrayed on this show makes it believable that she would inspire that type of loyalty. Maybe I’ll finish this show next year.

King of the Hill (Hulu and weekday afternoons on FXX)

I watched one random episode on Hulu on Monday evening. Kahn mortgaged his house to be buy Scrubby’s Car Wash, which was apparently an Arlen institution despite having never been mentioned on the show before this episode. Needless to say, Kahn’s abrasive management style was not a hit with the redneck customers and eventually, Mr. Strickland had to step in. It was an okay episode, if not one of the show’s best. The highlight of the episode was the introduction of infomercial huckster Dr. Money. Dr. Money promised to make his customer so rich that they would have “champagne for breakfast and caviar for your cat!”

On Tuesday, I watched four episodes on FXX. I watched as Peggy attempted to run a used bookstore and end up instead running a gun shop. I watched the classic Halloween episode where Louanne ended up a prisoner of insane pork product industrialist Trip Larsen. This was followed by the episode in which Dale was hired to kill the rats at the Mega-Lo Mart and instead discovered that jazz trumpeter Chuck Mangione was secretly living in the store. Finally, I watched an episode in which Louanne became a boxer and ended up fighting George Foreman’s daughter. Hank nearly got into a fight with Foreman himself over whether or not the Foremen Grill was a novelty product or not. Luckily, George’s son broke up the fight. “No, Daddy! He ain’t worth it!” still makes me laugh every time that I hear it.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

On this week’s “ripped from the headlines” Law & Order, a tennis player who was definitely not meant to be one of the Williams sisters stood accused of murdering a family court judge. The tennis player went with an insanity defense, claiming that she was suffering from a manic episode at the time of the murder and that only her father’s conservatorship could keep her from losing control. So, just like that, the episode went from being about the Williams sisters to being about Britney Spears. In short, this episode was so ripped from the headlines that it was actually kind of dumb.

The Love Boat (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

On this week’s cruise: Sharon Gabet, Laurence Lau, Denise Miller, Taylor Miller, Robert Pine, Janine Turner, and Ruth Warrick. Admittedly, that’s not exactly the most memorable list of passengers and it was a bit of a silly episode. Somehow, Gopher got trapped in a suit of armor while a preacher was romantically pursued by two of his followers. And then, out of nowhere, there was this huge dramatic storyline, in which Warrick tried to forgive the son of the man who killed her husband in a drunk driving accident. It was an odd cruise but the scenery was nice.

M*A*S*H (Hulu and Weekday Evenings, MeTV)

Like Happy Days, this is another old show that I usually don’t really care for but I did watch two episodes on Tuesday. Both of them featured Alan Alda talking about how much he hates the war and basically getting in everyone else’s way. Like, seriously, Hawkeye — EVERYONE HATES WAR! It’s not all about you.

On Friday, I discovered that M*A*S*H is on Hulu and I decided to give the show another shot, mostly because people really do tend to rave about it. Jeff suggested that I check out a later episode called “Dreams” and oh my God, was it effective! While dealing with a seemingly never-ending amount of wounded soldiers, each of the main characters tried to get an hour or two of sleep and everyone ended up having a dream about what the war was doing to them, mentally. It was a bit heavy-handed but it was undeniably effective. Who knows? I may have to give this show another shot next week.

Saved By The Bell (Saturday, E!)

E! did a Saved By The Bell marathon on Saturday. I watched as Kelly broke up with Zack, Zack solved the mystery weekend, and Johnny Dakota tried to get all the students at Bayside hooked on the weed with roots in Heck. Bad Johnny Dakota!

(Yes, I said “roots in Heck.” I gave up cursing for Lent. I realize that I probably could have gotten away with not using Heck because it’s a name of place, as opposed to an actual exclamation. But I decided that it’s best not to get cutesy with Lent.)

Savoring Our Faith (Sunday Afternoon, EWTN)

Fr. Leon Patalinghug talked about St. Patrick and why we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day while preparing a meal. I watched this with Erin on Sunday and, somewhat unexpectedly, I enjoyed it. It’s an Irish Catholic thing.

Silk Stalkings (Tubi)

On Monday, I returned to Silk Stalkings. I watched the show’s 41st episode, in which Chris got shot at after witnessing yet another fight between a man, his mistress, and his wife. Chris literally couldn’t leave his apartment without witnessing a fight. Once again, the no-funsters at the police department were trying to get Chris in trouble but luckily, Rita was there to solve the crime. To be honest, it was kind of a confusing episode but, as I’ve said before, this isn’t show that you watch for the plots. You watch it for the frequently unclothed people committing crimes and having melodramatic conversations. It’s a lot of fun.

On Tuesday, I watched episode #42. A serial killer was stalking women who had sought the advice of a fake astrologer. Chris not only flirted with every woman he met (even if he happened to meet them at a crime scene) but he also tossed the killer into the ocean. Way to go, Chris!

On Friday morning, I watched episode #43, in which Chris and Rita investigated a murder connected to phone sex and prostitution. Can you guess what happened next? If you guessed, “Chris goes undercover as a client and Rita goes undercover as a phone sex operator,” you are correct! This was a supremely silly episode, largely because there was only one suspect so it was pretty easy to guess who was going to end up getting shot at the end of it all. Still, Chris and Rita! How can you not love them?

I followed this with Episode #44 (entitled “Crime of Love”), which was also the first episode of the show’s third season! Rita suspected that an author that she had previously arrested was responsible for murdering the wife of his publisher. She was certain that there was no way that he could have reformed but it turned out that he wasn’t the murderer. Sometimes you have to give people a second chance, Rita!

Since I was on a bit of a Chris & Rita roll, I decided to to watch two more episodes. The first was Episode #45 (entitled “Team Spirit”), in which Chris and Rita investigated a serial killer who was targeting wealthy men. However, the most interesting thing about the episode was the B-plot, in which Chris was audited by the IRS after he attempted to write off his wardrobe as a business expense! Even while being audited, Chris couldn’t help but flirt with the IRS agent. Oh, Chris!

Episode #46 (“The Perfect Alibi”) found Chris and Rita investigating a hot tub murder that was linked to a gang of video tape bootleggers. It was all very 90s but the main bad guy was named Sorkin so that was kind of amusing. As usual, every suspect that Chris visited was just getting out of shower when Chris arrived at the apartment. This happened every single episode but anyone who has watched the show knows that it didn’t matter how many half-naked people tried to come between them, Chris and Rita were always meant to be together.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about this week’s episode at Reality TV Chat Blog!

Talking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

Yay! For the second week in a row, Talking Dead was broadcast from the studio as opposed to Chris Hardwicke’s living room. Nature is healing.

Vaticano (Sunday Afteroon, EWTN)

It’s news for Catholics! It’s also Lent so I watched this with Erin on Sunday afternoon. I couldn’t help but remember the time that we visited Italy and took a tour of the Vatican. It was, needless to say, beyond amazing.

The Walking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

I reviewed this week’s episode here!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 10/17/21 — 10/23/21

Posted on October 23, 2021 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s a few thoughts on what I watched this week!

(How’s that for a detailed intro?)

Allo Allo (Sunday Night, PBS)

This week, yet another attempt to smuggle the British airmen out of France failed. As usual, the plan was too complicated to succeed and the British airmen themselves remained cheerfully oblivious to the danger that they’re putting everyone else into. (“I say,” one of them said after missing his chance to get smuggled out on a fish truck, “When’s the next fish truck?”) This episode’s highlight was Crabtree getting to speak perfect English to all of the British airmen who had gathered in Rene’s Cafe before then switching back to his usual mangled French to speak with Rene. Episodes of Allo Allo are not particularly easy to describe but they almost always make me laugh.

The Bachelorette (Tuesday Night, ABC)

I don’t know. Going straight from one season of the Bachelorette to Bachelor in Paradise to another season of the Bachelorette is a little bit too much. It works better when there’s some downtime between the seasons. I have to admit that I was pretty bored with the premiere of the new season. I mean, the first episode wasn’t even over and already, I was having to listen to all of that crap about whether or not the men were there for “the right reasons.” The whole thing with Ryan getting kicked off the show felt very staged and pre-planned and Michelle seems like she’ll be canceling a lot of cocktail parties to get right to kicking people off the show. I think I’ve just been oversturated with this dumb show for the past few months.

Baywatch (Friday Afternoon, H&I)

H&I has changed up their schedule. Instead of daily showing of Baywatch, they now air a five-hour block on Fridays. I watched two episodes. They were both from the 2nd season and I remembered them both from when I binged the show a few months ago. The first episode featured Eddie trying to clear his name after being accused of assaulting a teenager. The 2nd was yet another episode where a mysterious woman stayed with Mitch while someone with a gun hunted for her. This seemed to happen quite frequently to Mitch but he never commented on either the strangeness or the familiarity of it all.

The Brady Bunch (Sunday Afternoon, MeTV)

I watched three episodes on Sunday while working on my Cry Macho review. The Brady kids were so self-centered that Alice quit. Greg conspired to make Marcia the head cheerleader. Marcia fell in love with a much older dentist and decided she was too mature to go on a date with a classmate. The Bradys were the worst.

Court Cam (Wednesday Evening, A&E)

I watched two episodes when I got home from work on Wednesday. One episode featured a loser who was arrested several times for pretending to be a traffic cop. Maybe he wanted to get on Parking Wars. Regardless of his motivation, everyone he stopped could tell he wasn’t a cop and no one treated him with the respect that he very loudly demanded. That was kind of fun to watch.

Day of the Dead (Friday Night, SyFy)

I finally watched last week’s premiere on Thursday and I reviewed it for the site.

Fear the Walking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

I reviewed the season premiere here!

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

Once Horrorthon is over and I have the time, I’m going to go back and binge this entire series.

Hunter (Weekday Mornings, ZLiving)

I watched two episodes of this surprisingly violent 80s cop show on Friday. I was also working at the time so the show mostly served as background noise. (I find having the TV on helps me to focus, oddly enough.) From what I did see, it seemed like an awful lot of people ended up getting shot. In fact, Hunter’s main personality trait appears to be that he’ll shoot anyone. (The second episode featured Hunter blowing away a psycho motorcyclist played by Don Swayze.) One thing I will say about the show, though, is that I love the propulsive music that plays over the opening credits.

King of the Hill (Weekday Afternoons, FXX)

I watched two episodes of Tuesday. In the first one, Bobby became a peer counselor and quickly started to abuse his position. This is actually one of my favorite episodes, even though Bobby definitely owed Stacy an apology. The highlight of the episode was Stacy singing, “I’m your Stacy in a bottle.” The second episode featured Hank visiting the Platter Ranch in Montana and discovering that Henry Winkler was refusing to allow the ranchers to herd their cattle across his land. Yes, that Henry Winkler.

The Office (Saturday afternoon, Comedy Central)

I watched some classic episodes from season 5. Dwight and Michael conducted corporate espionage against Prince Family Paper. Pam and Michael hit the lecture circuit. Stanley had a heart attack. Michael’s golden ticket promotion blew up in his face. I always say that this show started to go downhill after the third season but Season 5 was actually pretty good.

Open All Hours (Sunday Night, PBS)

This week’s episode was actually kind of charming, as it featured Granville dancing in the rain while holding a mop. For a second, it seemed like Granville might be something other than incredibly depressed. It didn’t last long but it was still good to see him vaguely smile. Of course, once the rain stopped, it was time to go back to plotting Arkwright’s death.

Saved By The Bell (Sunday Morning, MeTV)

I watched two episodes on Sunday morning. The first one featured Zack launching a hostile takeover of the student store and then secretly photographing all of the girls for a calendar. That was kind of icky but at least Kelly got a modeling career out of it. She even went to Paris, something that was never mentioned in subsequent episodes. This was followed by the infamous Running Zack episode, in which Zack learned he was Native American and Jessie demanded that Lisa forgive her for being from a family of slave traders. The important thing is that Zack was able to compete at the track meet. So cringey!

Silk Stalkings (Weekday Afternoons, ZLiving)

Agck! Where are Chris and Rita!? It’s been over a month since I last caught any episodes of this 90s cop show. I watched two episodes on Friday and Rob Estes and Mitzi Kapture were gone! Apparently, they left the show and were replaced by two other cops who had the exact same backstory as Chris and Rita. What a coincidence! Anyway, the show still featured the same mix of murder, sex, and attractive people getting undressed but these new detectives just didn’t have the same chemistry.

That said, both of Friday’s episodes were enjoyably sordid, featuring a lot of sem-clad, attractive rich people doing a lot of very bad things. It was fun! I may have to start binging this show.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about the latest episode of Survivor here!

Talking Dead (Sunday Night, AMC)

This week’s episode was a bit by-the-numbers. Even Chris Hardwick seemed to be struggling to pretend to be interested in either Fear the Walking Dead or Walking Dead: World Beyond, which was odd since both of those shows were fairly good this week.

Walking Dead: The World Beyond (Sunday Night, AMC)

This week’s episode was actually pretty good. It still feels like Christopher Pike’s The Walking Dead (or maybe Saved By The Dead) but this week’s episode actually did a good job of capturing the contrast between wanting to be a teenager while, at the same time, having to survive in a world that leaves you with little time to actually grow up.