G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987, directed by Don Jurwich)


“G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world!”

Actually, you only thought that Cobra was a ruthless terrorist organization. In G.I. Joe: The Movie, it is revealed that Cobra is actually the brainchild of Golobulus (voiced by Burgess Meredith), a human/serpent hybrid who is the ruler of Cobra-La, an ancient civilization hidden away in the Himalayas. Golobulus not only recruited Cobra Commander, but his servant Pythona implanted the dream that led to Dr. Mindbender creating the Cobra Emperor. Despite having the power to do all that, Golobulus still has to steal G.I. Joe’s latest weapon so that he can launch and open a bunch of space spores that will turn all of humanity into snakes. It’s up to G.I. Joe to stop them. Everyone thinks that new recruit Falcon (Don Johnson) is just Duke’s irresponsible kid brother, so, of course, it will be up to him to save the day.

G.I. Joe: The Movie is actually not bad as far as 1980s animation is concerned. Cobra-La may have a silly name, but it’s a memorable location, and the scenes involving Cobra Commander being put on trial while trapped in a giant Venus flytrap are actually pretty impressive. Cobra Commander was turned into a snake in this movie, and his hissing “I was a man” is a hundred times more effective than it should have been. Since the original G.I. Joe animated series was canceled around the same time this was released, G.I. Joe: The Movie actually does wrap up the show. After fighting an ancient civilization of flying monsters and talking serpents, what was really left for G.I. Joe to do?

There are a lot of battle scenes and, again, no one dies. Originally, that wasn’t the plan. When G.I. Joe: The Movie was animated, Duke was killed while saving his brother’s life. However, when Transformers: The Movie underperformed at the box office, it was decided to release G.I. Joe: The Movie straight to video and not to kill off anyone in the cast. Dialogue was added to indicate that Duke was actually just severely injured, despite the fact that he obviously died in battle. In the movie, Duke passes out and everyone looks away with tears in their eyes. Falcon defeats Cobra-La and then says, “That was for you, brother,” while looking up at the star-filled sky. It was just a flesh wound!

No matter what else might be said, the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie was better than any of the live-action films that came out thirty years later.

A Horrific Blast From The Past: Dr. Tongue’s House of Cats In 3D


Today, we have another comedic blast from the past from SCTV.

Like last week’s, this one features Joe Flaherty’s Count Floyd.  It also features John Candy, Eugene Levy, and Catherine O’Hara.  So, put on your 3D glasses and enjoy these scenes from Dr. Tongue’s House of Cats!

Horror Film Review: The Harbinger (dir by Andy Mitton)


In 2022’s The Harbinger, Gabby Beans stars as Monique. At the height of the COVID hysteria, Monique and her family have done everything that they’ve been told to do. They’ve locked their doors. They’ve kept outsiders from entering their home. Monique always wears a facemask. For all of their attempts to be safe, Monique and her family still seem like the most anxious people on the planet. However, anyone who is honest about the COVID era and who doesn’t listen to the revisionists who insist that it was actually just a little inconvenience and not a major trauma-causing event will immediately recognize Monique and her family. Even those of us who didn’t lose our minds during the lockdowns all know someone who did.

(Three things that I’ll never forget about the COVID era: 1) all of my friends on Twitter changing their bio to “Wear your damn mask” and not understanding how pointlessly aggressive that sounded, 2) my cousin Allison in tears because she thought everyone in Tyler, Texas was trying to kill her by getting her sick, and 3) the fat lady at Target who screamed at me because I wasn’t wearing a mask because my asthma was acting up.)

When Monique learns that her best friend, Mavis (Emily Davis), is currently being haunted by nonstop nightmares that are threatening her sanity, Monique makes a momentous decision. She decides to leave her house, drive through New York, and check on her friend. What she discovers is that Mavis, locked away in her apartment and even wearing a mask when she’s inside and alone, is even more anxious than her. In the apartment above her, there’s a child who is sick and in quarantine and who, in theory, could infect everyone with COVID. Meanwhile, Mavis’s neighbor thinks the whole masking inside thing is ludicrous and refuses to put on one. Monique loses some points, in my book at least, when she confronts the neighbor and points to a sign that says masks are required in the building. The movie tries to hedge its bets with the neighbor character, as if it’s saying, “See? We’re on the right side!” What’s funny is that, when I watched this movie with the #ScarySocial live tweet group, most of the people watching were pretty much on the neighbor’s side.

Soon, Monique is having nightmares, both about the sick kid upstairs and also about her family back home. The nightmares are the film’s strongest element. The Harbinger really does capture the feeling of finding yourself in a dream that feels like real life, and I have to admit that it succeeded in fooling me more than a few times. The film really does keep you off-balance as to what is real and what isn’t. Ultimately, the film suggests that a monster is feeding off of all of the fear and anxiety in the world. If such a monster did exist, the COVID era is definitely when it would show up.

The Harbinger has its flaws. Like a lot of “elevated” horror films, the pace is a bit slow at times. There was an interesting subtext to the intensity of Monique and Mavis’s friendship that felt a bit unexplored. But the dream sequences are effectively done and the film does capture the bleak worldview that many held during the COVID era. (We tend to forget that The New York Times referred to the pre-COVID era as “the before times.”) Today, as the truth about the COVID era itself is being rewritten by revisionists, this film almost feels like a time capsule.

“Human Holes” Short Film Review by Case Wright


I have been spoiled so far this year. I have yet to see a bad film or short. The AIs have been pretty good too. Are people getting better at making things? I think Gen-Z is really throwback generation. The stories have structure and order. I went to school with Gen-Z and they talked in hushed tones a lot about the 2009 crash and the War; honestly, they all sounded like my Depression Era grandparents. The men sounded really conservative and the ladies were taking a sharp left turn. In all of their angst, they returned to clear storytelling. “Obsession” followed proper story structure to the letter and this short does too. It’s a sci-fi comedy, but it has a clear plot with good jokes.

The story takes place in the early 70s with a sleazy land developer and a waitress, who despise one another, are abducted by aliens. The aliens just want to probe and eat the two captives and then annihilate all of mankind. However, the Gotterdammerung is not until 2026 because today is all about probing and eating the captives. The land developer convinces the aliens to let them go, but the aliens insist on probing still – off screen.

It is a simple plot, but the jokes are funny and the acting is good. It’s weird for me to see actual people acting because I’m so used to seeing AI films. Humans can still act! Who knew?! I recommend this highly. Enjoy it!

Horror On The Lens: Bride of the Monster (dir by Edward D. Wood, Jr.)


 

Oh, how I love Bride of the Monster.

First released in 1955 and directed by the legendary Ed Wood, Bride of the Monster is a classic mix of a haunted house, a mad scientist, a lumbering assistant, and a giant octopus.  The plot may be impossible to follow but it doesn’t matter when you’ve got Tor Johnson grunting and Bela Lugosi giving a surprisingly good performance as the persecuted Dr. Vornoff, a man who “tampered in God’s domain.”

A lot of people consider this to be Wood’s best film.  Personally, I would go with Plan 9 From Outer Space but Bride of the Monster is still an entertaining look at monsters and madmen.

 

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Buffy The Vampire Slayer!


 

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly watch parties.  On Twitter, I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday and I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday.  On Mastodon, I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  Join us for 1992’s Buffy The Vampire Slayer!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, find Buffy The Vampire Slayer on Prime, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there happily tweeting.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

See you there!

 

 

Horror Song of the Day: Main Theme From The Cat O’Nine Tails by Ennio Morricone


Today’s song of the day the main theme from Dario Argento’s The Cat O’Nine Tails.  Ennio Morricone’s score brought a lot of atmosphere to Argento’s classic giallo.

And here it is:

 

 

Horror Scene That I Love: The Pool Scene from Cat People


Today’s horror scene that I love comes to us from the 1942 psychological thriller, Cat People!

In this noirish scene, Alice (Jane Randolph) goes for a swim, just to find herself suspecting that she may not be alone.

Music Video of the Day: You Could Be Mine by Guns N’ Roses (1991, directed by Andy Morahan, Stan Winston and Jeffrey Abelson)


In this video, Arnold Schwarzenegger is sent to the past to eliminate Guns N’ Roses but ultimately decides that it would be a waste of ammo.  Obviously, he knew that fulfilling his mission would change history and the world would never get to hear Chinese Democracy.

This song (and this video) were used to promote Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

Enjoy!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Hunter 2.5 “Killer In A Halloween Mask”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Hunter, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1991.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Hunter faces off against a scarred killer wearing a mask!  Pretty scary, kids!

Episode 2.5 “Killer In A Halloween Mask”

(Dir by Sidney Hayers and Michael Peerce, originally aired on October 26th, 1985)

After getting the bill for yet another high-speed chase involving Hunter and McCall, Captain Wyler (the great Bruce Davison) decides that they need to take a week off from causing trouble.  He assigns them to work as technical advisors for a cop show called Street Heat. 

At first, everything seems fine.  Hunter hits on the publicity woman.  The star of the show, J.J. Hendrix (Stephen Shortridge), asks McCall out to dinner.  But then, one night, a man in a cheap plastic mask breaks into Hendrix’s house, bashes in his skull in with a fireplace poker, and sprays acid on the star’s face!  (I guess he wasn’t a fan of the last season of Welcome Back Kotter.)

A masked killer is targeting the cast and crew of Street Heat!  Hunter and McCall suspect that it might be Dave Tolan (Gary Graham), the former star of the show whose career ended when he set himself on fire while freebasing.  The horribly scarred Dave now works at a wax museum and has access to all sorts of chemicals and acids.  Plus, Hendrix was dating Dave’s ex-girlfriend….

And, of course, Hunter and McCall are correct.  We know that they’re correct because we see Dave plotting the murders at the start of the episode.  I have to admit that I spent the entire episode waiting for some sort of twist.  I thought Dave would have an accomplice or something similar.  But nope, it’s just Dave.  It all leads to a confrontation in the wax museum.  During a struggle with Hunter, Dave gets impaled.  Hunter doesn’t say, “Works for me,” but you can tell that he’s thinking it.

There weren’t any big surprises in this episode but I still enjoyed it.  It aired on October 26th and it was obviously produced with Halloween  in mind.  The late Gary Graham gave an appropriately unhinged performance as Dave.  The scenes on the set of Street Heat also served as a commentary on Hunter as a show.  After watching Hendrix “shoot” a suspect in a scene that felt like it could have been lifted from any episode of Hunter, McCall and Hunter commented that Street Heat wasn’t very realistic.

Fans of washed-up politicians will be happy to see Jesse “The Body” Ventura in this episode.  He shows up at the start of the show.  He’s been arrested for attacking his dentist.  Ventura complains about his toothache.  Hunter knocks the tooth out of his mouth.  Ventura thanks him.  Whenever I see Jesse Ventura in an old TV show or movie, I always regret that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the only other future governor that he co-starred with.  If Fred Dryer had later been elected governor of California, this episode would have been legendary.

Governor Dryer.  It has a nice ring to it.