Arthur Burghardt – Through the Shattered Lens

“G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world!”

Actually, you only thought that Cobra was a ruthless terrorist organization. In G.I. Joe: The Movie, it is revealed that Cobra is actually the brainchild of Golobulus (voiced by Burgess Meredith), a human/serpent hybrid who is the ruler of Cobra-La, an ancient civilization hidden away in the Himalayas. Golobulus not only recruited Cobra Commander, but his servant Pythona implanted the dream that led to Dr. Mindbender creating the Cobra Emperor. Despite having the power to do all that, Golobulus still has to steal G.I. Joe’s latest weapon so that he can launch and open a bunch of space spores that will turn all of humanity into snakes. It’s up to G.I. Joe to stop them. Everyone thinks that new recruit Falcon (Don Johnson) is just Duke’s irresponsible kid brother, so, of course, it will be up to him to save the day.

G.I. Joe: The Movie is actually not bad as far as 1980s animation is concerned. Cobra-La may have a silly name, but it’s a memorable location, and the scenes involving Cobra Commander being put on trial while trapped in a giant Venus flytrap are actually pretty impressive. Cobra Commander was turned into a snake in this movie, and his hissing “I was a man” is a hundred times more effective than it should have been. Since the original G.I. Joe animated series was canceled around the same time this was released, G.I. Joe: The Movie actually does wrap up the show. After fighting an ancient civilization of flying monsters and talking serpents, what was really left for G.I. Joe to do?

There are a lot of battle scenes and, again, no one dies. Originally, that wasn’t the plan. When G.I. Joe: The Movie was animated, Duke was killed while saving his brother’s life. However, when Transformers: The Movie underperformed at the box office, it was decided to release G.I. Joe: The Movie straight to video and not to kill off anyone in the cast. Dialogue was added to indicate that Duke was actually just severely injured, despite the fact that he obviously died in battle. In the movie, Duke passes out and everyone looks away with tears in their eyes. Falcon defeats Cobra-La and then says, “That was for you, brother,” while looking up at the star-filled sky. It was just a flesh wound!

No matter what else might be said, the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie was better than any of the live-action films that came out thirty years later.

David Phillips (Gary Coleman) is a teenager who sets fires when he gets upset. He has many reasons to be upset. His parents (Ron O’Neal and Cicely Tyson) are getting divorced and are constantly fighting. His teachers at school are always getting on his back. He has to take care of his younger siblings and his dog. He can’t even get the bigger kids in school to let him play basketball with them. At first, David just plays with his lighter but, after he accidentally sets his mother’s coat on fire, David discovers that he likes to watch things burn. David and his mother both claim it’s just coincidence that David is always nearby whenever a fire breaks out but Fire Chief Walker (Yaphet Kotto) knows what’s really going on. After David nearly burns down his house, Walker tries to reach him before it’s too late.

This isn’t really meant to be a horror film but it’s shot like one, with plenty of scenes of Gary Coleman staring at a burning fire with a possessed-look in his eyes. The movie tries to make David sympathetic but the scene where he threatens his own dog with a lighter suggests that David has more problems than just his parents splitting up. This was Gary Coleman’s first dramatic role. I think it may have also been his only dramatic role. It’s not that he’s not convincing as a really angry kid. It’s just that he’s Gary Coleman so, no matter how much the movie tries, it still comes across as being a special episode of Diff’rent Strokes where Arnold becomes a pyromaniac. Coleman tries to play up the drama of the situation but it’s hard not to laugh whenever he looks shocked at one of the fires that he has just started. Every scene seems like it should end with Conrad Bain showing up with the cops.

For years, this movie was next to impossible to find but finally, someone found an old VHS tape in their garage and uploaded the movie to both YouTube and the Internet Archive, ensuring the world will never forget the time that Gary Coleman played with fire.

One final note: the director is better known for eventually becoming business partners with notorious Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss.