Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Epstein smokes and the Sweathogs learn the true meaning of Christmas!

Episode 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle, a doctor who used to trick his patients into sticking their tongue out and staring out his office window as a way to anger the people on the other side of the street.

At school, Horshack is stunned to see Epstein lighting up a cigarette in the boys room.  (Epstein hides his cigarettes in the paper towel dispenser.)  Horshack says that he is shocked and he points out that smoking is against the school rules.  (Since when do Sweathogs care about the school rules?)  Epstein responds by blowing smoke in Horshack’s face.  Then, Gabe and Woodman step into the restroom and Epstein desperately flushes his cigarette but not before everyone sees him exhaling a cloud of smoke.

Woodman takes Epstein to the office of the perpetually unseen Principal Lazarus.  Woodman tells Gabe that he can’t wait to see how Epstein gets punished but it turns out that Epstein is the only person at the school who Lazarus likes.  Disillusioned at the lack of punishment for Epstein, Woodman announces that he’s moving to Scarsdale and goes into his office.  Epstein, meanwhile, promises both Gabe and Barbarino (who just happens to be in the front office for some reason) that he’ll quit smoking.

However, the next day, Gabe again catches Epstein in the boys room, smoking.  Epstein confesses that he can’t quit smoking.  Gabe tells a story about how, when he was 12, he was addicted to potato knishes.  Gabe explains that his knish habit led him to moving onto harder junk food, like Twinkies.  In order to break his habit, Gabe says he went cold turkey.

“Cold turkey!?” Epstein says.

“That’s right.  For five days, I ate nothing but cold turkey!”

Gabe says that he and the Sweathogs will help Epstein break his smoking habit through aversion therapy.

“Oh yeah,” Barbarino nods, “Perversion therapy.  We’ll torture Juan until he quits smoking.”

The next day, Gabe, Epstein, Woodman, and the Sweathogs gather in Gabe’s classroom to make Epstein “unlearn” smoking.  After talking about his own struggle to quit smoking, Woodman leaves the classroom.  It’s probably for the best because one can imagine how Woodman would have reacted to Juan smoking a cigarette while Barbarino and Freddie walked in place on a red carpet in an attempt to generate enough static electricity to shock Epstein every time that he took a puff.

When shock therapy proves ineffective (for some reason, Gabe is the one who keeps getting shocked), Horshack comes into the classroom, dressed like a doctor.  While twirling his stethoscope, Horshack asks Epstein about his sex life because “I thought it would be fun to hear about.”  Gabe suggests that Horshack not ask anyone about their sex life until “you get one yourself.”  Freddie then says, “Hi, there,” and pretends to be someone who has been smoking for four years and can now only say a few words without coughing.  Gabe then forces Epstein to smell a cup full of soggy cigarettes.  They then force Epstein to smoke three cigarettes at once.

“Doesn’t taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff!?” Gabe shouts.

Epstein gives up cigarettes but, seven days later, he shows up at school with a pipe.  Gabe says that he’s disappointed in Epstein but then Epstein points out that Gabe is eating a knish.  Gabe agrees to give up knishes if Epstein gives up smoking.  Epstein agrees and he and Gabe dramatically toss all of the tobacco and knishes into the trash.  It turns out that Gabe had a knish hidden in every corner of the classroom.

Back at the apartment, a knish-free Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who was a famous frontiersman.

This episode worked because it centered not on a guest star or a gimmick but instead on the Sweathogs acting like their usual goofy selves.  The second season has, so far, been a bit more uneven than the first but the chemistry between Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Ron Pallilo, and John Travolta continues to be, along with John Sylvester White’s delightfully unhinged turn as Woodman, the show’s greatest strength.

Episode 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 23rd, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who got drunk at the zoo.  “They don’t sell liquor at the zoo,” Julie replies.

It’s Christmas in Brooklyn!  Horshack is hoping that he’ll finally get a Marie Osmond doll from Santa.  The other Sweathogs are more interested in Angie (Michael V. Gazzo, who played Frankie Pentangelli in The Godfather Part II), the homeless man who is hanging out in the school’s courtyard and who claims that he was once a corporate executive.  Gabe reveals that Angie has been coming by the school ever since Gabe was a student at Buchanan himself.  After Gabe hears the Sweathogs making fun of Angie, he decides to invite Angie to come speak to the class.

“What’s he going to teach us?” Epstein asks, “Advanced vagrancy?”

Before Angie can start his speech, Woodman steps in the room and refers to Angie as being “our Christmas hobo.”  Gabe says that Woodman probably goes around from house-to-house on Christmas Eve and tells all the kids that there’s no Santa Claus.

“Someone has to do it,” Woodman says and, as always, John Sylvester White totally nails the line.  One of the underrated joys of this show is watching Woodman go progressively more and more insane.

Angie finally tells his story, explaining that he was a butcher with a wife and a family but he gambled away all of his money.  One night, coming home broke, Angie discovered that his wife and his kids had left.  Wiping away the tears, Angie leaves the classroom.

Feeling guilty, the Sweathogs want to do something for Angie.  Freddie suggests putting Angie on their “shop-lifting lists.”  Horshack makes a slightly more legal suggestion, saying that they should pool the money that they were going to use to buy each other gifts and instead, do something for Angie.

What do they do for Angie?  Barbarino gets him some fresh clothes.  Freddie gives him a haircut while Epstein shaves his beard and mustache.  And Gabe invites Angie to come to the Christmas party that Julie and he are throwing at the apartment.

The action cuts to the apartment, where Julie is complaining about having to spend Christmas Eve with Gabe’s students.  Julie then gives Gabe the Hanukkah bush that she bought for the holidays while Gabe explains that he has nothing for Julie because he spent all of his money on Angie.  Epstein, Freddie, Horshack, and Barbarino show up, complaining that they haven’t seen Angie since helping him out.  On cue, Angie shows up at the apartment, once again dressed like he was when the Sweathogs first saw him in the courtyard.  Angie thanks the Sweathogs for everything but says that, for now, he’s comfortable living on the streets.  Angie leaves and the Sweathogs are angry that they spent all of their money on someone who doesn’t appreciate it.  Gabe tells them that the important thing is that they tried to help another human being.  And then he reveals that he has presents for all of the Sweathogs.  Yay!  Merry Christmas!

After everyone leaves and Julie has fallen asleep on the couch, Gabe spots Santa Claus sitting in the kitchen and tells him about his cousin Eileen, who was so skinny that she had to wear snow shoes in the shower.

“Ho ho ho!” Santa replies.

This was a sweet episode, featuring good performances from not just the regulars but also from Michael V. Gazzo.  Gabe telling a joke to Santa was adorable and the perfect way to end the episode.  I love Christmas shows!