Author Archives: Jedadiah Leland

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #18: Daleks (1985)

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For my next adventure in the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Daleks (1985).

I’m the Doctor!?  It’s about time!  And I’m battling the Daleks?

It’s time to let those dogmatic salt and pepper shakers know who’s the boss!  Press any key to continue?  Just try to stop me!

Those do not look like Daleks.  I guess that stick figure is me, the Doctor.

The game itself is simple.  Every time that The Doctor moves, the Daleks move:

If a Dalek touches you, the game is over.  The only way to eliminate a Dalek is to get it to run into another Dalek.  It is not easy but it can be done, as my high score of 30 attests.  It took me a while to get over my disappointment that the Daleks in the game did not say “Exterminate!” but if you can overlook that, Daleks is an addictive and challenging game.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures in The Internet Archive #17: Uninvited (1986, ICOM Simulations, Inc)

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Continuing my journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Uninvited (1986, ICOM Simulations, Inc.).

At the start of Uninvited, you are driving down an isolated road when something darts out in front of you.  You swerve to avoid it and crash your car.  When you regain consciousness, you discover that your younger brother, who was in the passenger’s seat, has disappeared.  Did he go for help or has something else happened?

Maybe it has something to do with the mansion that is looming in front of your car.

You can search for your brother in the house.  In fact, that is the only option that is available to you.  There are a lot of rooms to explore but be careful.  There are also ghosts, zombies, and other things that you do not want to run into.  On the plus side, the game will usually warn you before you go into the wrong room.  On the negative side, sometimes it won’t and this will happen:

Though Uninvited‘s point-and-click system can seem clunky by today’s standards, I enjoyed playing it.  I haven’t found my brother, yet, but I am sure he is out there somewhere.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #16: Scapeghost (1989, Level 9)

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Continuing my journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Scapeghost (1989, Level 9).

Scapeghost is a blast.

At one time, you were Alan Chase, a narcotics detective who was on the verge of a big bust.  Then you and your partner, Sarah, were ambushed by the dealers.  Sarah was kidnapped.  You died.  When you returned as a ghost, you got to attend your own funeral.  That is when you found out that Sarah was still missing and that everyone blamed you for getting killed.

Why was your spirit still in the mortal plane?  Was it so you could save Sarah and clear your name?

You have three days to get the job done.

Scapeghost is a text adventure, with optional graphics.  Strangely, the game is written in the first person.  For instance, type “go north” and the game will respond with something like, “I headed north.”  At first, it’s awkward but it doesn’t take too long to get used to it.  The puzzles are challenging but not impossible and there’s a lot of fun to be had in haunting people.  (You get extra points every time you scare a certain character.)

The best thing about Scapeghost?  Once the drug dealers figure out that you’ve come back from the dead, they bring in a priest to perform an exorcism!  Don’t worry, though.  Just leave your grave before he finishes the ceremony and you will still be able to save Sarah and clear your name.

One final note: Scapeghost was the last text adventure to be published by Level 7.  They went out on a high note.

A Movie A Day #291: Pale Blood (1990, directed by V.V. Dachin Hsu and Michael W. Leighton)

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Someone is murdering women in Los Angeles and draining them of their blood.  A mysterious detective named Michael Fury (George Chakiris) arrives from London and starts to investigate.  Fury is a vampire but he is a thoroughly modern vampire.  He even has his own special travel coffin that he takes with him on trips.  To help him with his investigation, he hires a researcher named Lori (Pamela Ludwig).  Lori is convinced that the killings are being committed by a real vampire but Michael believes that they are actually the work of a human who is only pretending to be one of the undead.  Michael is worried that this fake vampire will make real vampires look bad.  Meanwhile, a crazy photographer (Wings Hauser) stalks Michael, determined to capture a vampire of his very own.

Pale Blood went straight-to-video and does not have the budget to match its ambitions but it is still a fairly good, if overlooked, vampire movie.  George Chakiris, who is best known for his role in West Side Story, had the right look to play a brooding vampire and he and Pamela Ludwig made a good team.  Not surprisingly, the best thing about Pale Blood was Wings Hauser.  In this movie, Wings Hauser gave a performance that was demented even by the standards of Wings Haauser.  Hauser is so crazy in this movie that Pale Blood sets the standard by which all other crazy Wing Hauser performances must be judged.

One final note: the vhs cover art, which is pictured above, features a shot of Wings Hauser that was apparently lifted from a different movie.

 

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #15: Ghostbusters — Basic Training (1987, Activision)

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Who wouldn’t want to be a member of the Ghostbusters?  (No, not the new version.  I’m talking about the version with Venkman and Ray and Egon.)  I got a chance to try when, while exploring the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Ghostbusters — Basic Training (1987, Activision, Inc.).

Unfortunately, it turns out that catching ghosts is far more difficult than I originally assumed.

This is what the game starts with.  A night in a haunted house?  No problem, I can do that standing on my head.  I pressed return.

There’s the familiar logo!  I pressed return again.

Good.  I’m in front of the house.  Let’s get started with the training.  From my own experience playing text adventures, I know that the first thing I should do is check my inventory.

A text adventure that does not understand one of the most basic commands in interactive fiction?  That seems strange but I’ll adjust.  Since the description of my location disappeared when I typed in inventory, I’ll take another look around.

“Look,” I type.

An adventure game that doesn’t know the look command?  I search my memory and try to remember the directions that were previously listed.  The house was to the northwest.

“NW” I type.

“Northwest”

What?  Maybe I got the directions wrong.

“North”

“South.”

“East.”

“West.”

“Go house.”

“Go porch.”

“Annoyed.”

“Rage”

You get the idea.  Because the game and I are speaking different languages, I have yet to actually enter the house and get trained.  I haven’t even managed to step on the porch yet.

I’m never going to be a Ghostbuster.

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #14: Terror in Christmas Town (1995)

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For my latest journey through the dark side of the Internet Archive, I played Terror In Christmas Town (1995).

In Terror in Christmas Town, you are on a mission.  A magic elf has been kidnapped by an evil demon and is being held prisoner in a castle.  You must rescue the elf.  It’s a typical first person shooter.

Does this look familiar?  Is anyone else getting a Wolfenstein/Doom feel yet?

Using the arrow keys, I start to explore the game.  This sure is reminding me of Wolfenstein 3D.  Remember how exciting it was the first time that you managed to kill Hitler in that game?  That was so cool and … oh hey, who is that ahead of me?  Maybe this friendly polar bear will show me how to break into the castle.

Excuse me, Mr. Polar Bear?

Bad idea.

Just as Wolfenstein has Nazis and Doom has demons, Terror in Christmas Town has mutant polar bears and they are definitely not your friend.  I do not know if that snowman in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen was meant to literally be me but I do know that, every time I got hit by the polar bear, the snowman melted a little.  Once Frosty has been reduced to a puddle and a hat, the game ended.

As with all games, there is a learning curve here.  The curve is even steeper when you’re playing the instructionless version that has been uploaded to the internet archive.  Once you figure out how to actually draw and fire your gun, the game gets a lot easier.  I like the holiday theme but the game mostly just made me want to play Wolfenstein again.

A Movie A Day #290: The Granny (1995, directed by Luca Bercovici)

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Granny Gargoli (Stella Stevens) is an old, wealthy, and dying.  With the exception of her niece, Kelly (Shannon Whirry, wearing glasses so it’s clear that she is not a gold digger), Granny hates her entire family.  When they come by for Thanksgiving dinner and start arguing about who is going to inherit Granny’s money, Granny snaps at her oldest son, “You’re the load that I should’ve swallowed!”

Since Granny does not want anyone to inherit her money, she decides that the best course of action would be to never die.  She buys a magic elixir that will grant immortality to whoever drinks it.  The salesman (played by director Luca Bercovici) tells her that it is very important to keep the elixir out of direct sunlight.  Of course, that gets screwed up faster than a mogwai turning into a gremlin.  When her family poisons her, the corrupted elixir does not keep Granny from dying.  Instead, it allows Granny to return as a demon who hunts down her greedy relatives one at a time.  One son is castrated.  A daughter-in-law is attacked when her mink stole comes to life.  Even after being killed, the members of the family return as wisecracking members of the living dead.

A mix of comedy and horror, The Granny used to show up regularly on late night Cinemax.  It may not be scary (though the castration scene is the reason why I get nervous whenever I see scissors) but, with the exception of Kelly, everyone in the family is so hateful that it is still fun to watch all of the get what they deserve.  Stella Stevens and Shannon Whirry are the main reasons to watch The Granny.  Stella gets all the best lines while Shannon Whirry shows why those who grew up watching late night Cinema still debate which Shannon was the best, Whirry or Tweed?

 

Jedadiah Leland’s Horrific Adventures In The Internet Archive #13: Night of the Walking Dead (1992, John Olsen)

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For today’s horrific journey through the Internet Archive, I played Night of the Walking Dead (1992, John Olsen).

In order to claim a million-dollar inheritance, you have to find the grave of your Aunt Bedilia, dig her up, and get her locket.  It will not be easy because the graveyard is haunted by zombies and other strange things.  Plus, you have decided to search at night.

This is a text adventure, where you have to solve puzzles and examine your surroundings.  The puzzles are not too difficult and, while the game’s descriptions are terse, they still provide you with everything that you need to know.

Still, as with most text adventures sometimes this will happen:

I turned out that the proper command was “get recorder.”  Sometimes, coming up with the right command can be frustrating but it is nothing that cannot be figured out.  After you get the recorder, you can find a tape and get some background information on what’s been happening in the cemetery:

The game picks up once the zombies show up.

It is not just zombies that you have to worry about.  There are also bats.

Night of the Walking Dead is a very simple game but I enjoyed it.  Now, if I can just figure out how to avoid those bats…

RIP, Fats Domino

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This is from a 1956 episode of the Ed Sullivan Show:

Rock and roll legend Fats Domino passed away yesterday in Harvey, Louisiana.  He was 89 years old.  Beginning his career in 1947, Fats Domino performed for 60 years straight before retiring in 2007.  He leaves behind 5 gold records, 37 Top 40 singles, and 35 records in the Billboard Top 40.

Once, when a reporter called Elvis “the king,” Elvis pointed at Fats Domino and said, “No, the real king of rock and roll is right over there.”

RIP, Fats Domino.

Thank you for the music.

 

A Movie A Day #289: Night Visitor (1989, directed by Rupert Hitzig)

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Billy Colton (Derek Rydall) is a teenager who has a reputation for exaggeration.  Lisa Grace (Shannon Tweed) is his next door neighbor, a high-priced prostitute who does not mind if Billy spies on her.  When Billy tries to tell everyone about his wild new neighbor, no one believes him.  Billy decides to prove his story by grabbing his camera and sneaking next door.  Instead of getting proof that she’s a prostitute, Billy witnesses his neighbor being murdered by a robed Satanist, who just happens to be Zachary Willard (Allen Garfield), Billy’s hated science teacher!  Billy goes to the police with his camera but Captain Crane (Richard Roundtree) points out that Billy forgot to take off the lens cap.

What can Billy do?  He knows that Zachary and his strange brother, Stanley (Michael J. Pollard), are sacrificing prostitutes to Satan but he can’t get anyone to believe him.  Working with his best friend (Teresa Van der Woude) and a burned out ex-cop (Elliott Gould), Billy sets out to stop the Willard Brothers.

Combine Rear Window with late 80s Satanic conspiracy theories and this is the result.  Not as bad as it sounds, Night Visitor is an unfairly obscure movie about Satanism in suburbia. While it has its share of dumb moments (like when Billy uses a watermelon to end a car chase), it also has enough good moments that suggest that Night Visitor is deliberately satirizing the excesses of the Satanic panic that, at the time of filming, was sweeping across the nation.  It also has a once in a lifetime cast.  Along with those already mentioned, keep an eye out for character actor extraordinaire Henry Gibson and future adult film star Teri Weigel.  Allen Garfield is especially good as the evil Mr. Willard.  Any actor can say, “I sacrifice you in the name of Satan.”  It takes a good actor like Allen Garfield to say it without making anyone laugh.

One final note: this movie was originally called Never Cry Devil, which is a much better title than Night Visitor.