Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Seeds of Yesterday (dir by Shawn Ku)

Posted on November 20, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For this past week, I’ve both been dealing with a sprained foot (and it’s doing much better, thank you very much) and I’ve been cleaning out my DVR. As I woke up this morning, I realized that I only had four more movies left in the DVR that I needed to watch and review. So, I decided to jump right into things and I finally watch Seeds of Yesterday.

Seeds of Yesterday serves as a sequel to Flowers in the Attic, Petals on the Wind, and If There Be Thorns. Like those three previous films, Seeds of Yesterday is based on a novel by V.C. Andrews and premiered on the Lifetime network. Seeds of Yesterday was originally broadcast on April 12th and, considering how much I enjoyed Flowers and Thorns, I’m not sure why I missed Seeds. Maybe drugs were involved, who knows?

Anyway, Seeds of the Yesterday continues the story of the Dollangangers, the family that simply cannot stop literally and figuratively fucking each other. As the film opens, 13 years have passed since the end of If There Be Thorns. Bart (James Maslow) is now a 25 year-old religious fanatic. Since learning, in Thorns, that his parents were actually brother-and-sister, Bart wants nothing to do with them. He has even changed his last name to Foxworth, in honor of his evil great-grandfather, Malcolm. Bart has rebuilt Foxworth Hall and, on the occasion of his birthday, he invites his estranged family to come visit him.

Jory (Anthony Konechy) is now a ballet star and is married to an emotionally fragile dancer named Melodie (Leah Gibson). The parents, Chris (Jason Lewis) and Cathy (Rachel Carpani), have finally come to peace with the fact that they are also brother and sister. And then there’s adopted daughter Cindy (Sammi Hanratty), who Bart considers to be sinful even while he lusts after her. When all of these people arrive at Foxworth Hall, they are excited to learn that Melodie is pregnant.

Well, everyone’s excited except for Bart. Bart not only lusts after his stepsister but also after his sister-in-law. Bart does a lot of lusting in general.

For some reason, Bart has demanded that Jory and Melodie perform a dance from Samson and Delilah at his birthday party. However, since Melodie is pregnant, she can’t dance. (“You’re not even showing!” Bart snaps, angrily.) Instead, Cindy says that she’ll be Bart’s dance partner and, on the night of the performance, a huge piece of scenery falls on Bart and severs his spine. Bart will never dance, walk, or make love again…

So now, Melodie is depressed and can’t bring herself to even visit Jory in the hospital. She discovers that Jory will never be able to have sex again so, instead, she and Bart start fucking. Bart, however, is still lusting after Cindy and complaining that everyone around him is a sinner…

And it goes on like that for about 90 minutes and then the movie’s over.

On a strictly personal level, I enjoyed Seeds of Yesterday because it had a lot of sex, a lot of overacting, a lot of gorgeous clothes, some dancing, and a big mansion. But, for the most part, Seeds of Yesterday is a total mess that never really makes much sense. I have not read the original novel but just taking a quick look at its Wikipedia page reveals that a lot of plot and quite a few characters were left out of the adaptation. Obviously, there’s only so much you can put into an 88 minute movie but, in the end, Seeds of Yesterday still fills rushed and overly busy. All the characters are so busy scheming schemes and having melodramatic confrontations that you never really get any sort of emotional insight into them. All in all, Seeds of Yesterday is a disappointing end to fairly entertaining series of films.

That said, we should give praise to James Maslow. From the minute that Bart shows up, it’s obvious that he’s batshit insane and, for lack of a better term, Maslow “goes there.” His performance is so enjoyably melodramatic (and, just so there’s no understanding, perfectly appropriate for the material that he’s been given to work with) that he elevates the entire film.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: A Mother’s Instinct (dir by Jason Bourque)

Posted on November 20, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching and reviewing Night of the Wild, it was time to continue cleaning out my DVR by watching A Mother’s Instinct. A Mother’s Instinct premiered on Lifetime on November 9th. On that night, I was out celebrating my upcoming birthday with my family. Fortunately, before I left, I remembered to set the DVR to record A Mother’s Instinct.

Like many Lifetime films, A Mother’s Instinct takes place in the suburbs. It’s the type of place that is perfect on the surface but the digger you deep, the more ugliness you discover. It’s the type of place where happy families are never quite as happy as they seem. It’s the type of place where danger lurks in the shadows, waiting for the chance to make itself known. It’s the type of place where the pervert across the street takes pictures of his neighbor undressing in front of her bedroom window. It’s the type of place where pets are kidnapped and killed and left on a driveway as a threat.

It’s also the home of the Bettners, mother Nora (Josie Bissett), teenage daughter Scarlett (Sarah Grey, who had a similar role in director Jason Bourque’s earlier Lifetime film, The Wrong Girl), and youngest child, Gus (Spencer Drever). When Gus disappears, Nora and Sarah immediately suspect that he’s been kidnapped by Seth Durand (Richard Harmon). Seth and his mother have just moved in across the street. Before Gus vanished, Seth was spying on and harassing Scarlett. After Gus vanishes, Seth taunts the Bettners. Or, at the very least, it seems that he does. Is Seth guilty or is he just a jerk? This is the question that rests at the heart of A Mother’s Instinct.

Nora’s instinct is that Seth is guilty but despite her belief, the police have no proof that Seth kidnapped Gus. So, with Scarlett’s help, Nora abducts Seth and, after stripping him down to his underwear, locks him in a cage and proceeds to torture and interrogate him. Soon, that cage becomes Nora’s private version of Gitmo, with Seth as her helpless prisoner. The more that Seth claims to be innocent, the more extreme Nora’s methods become. Eventually, even Scarlett starts to worry that they’re going too far…

But are they? Up until the final 30 minutes of the film (at which point something happens that pretty much answers all of our questions), we’re never quite sure whether Seth is innocent or if he’s guilty. Our natural instinct is to assume that he must be guilty because the kid is such a creep. But, as Nora’s methods get more and more extreme, we’re left to wonder if she’s the one making the mistake. Has she now crossed the lines and become the dangerous one? Or is she just doing what needs to be done to save her family? That sense of moral ambiguity is what sets A Mother’s Instinct apart from other abduction-theme Lifetime movie.

Though the plot is similar to 2013’s Prisoners, A Mother’s Instinct manages to establish an identity of its own. It’s an intense film that will keep you guessing about whether Seth is guilty or innocent. Richard Harmon gives an excellent performance as the creepy Seth, making the viewers feel both sympathy and revulsion towards the character. Josie Bissett is perfectly intense as the determined mother while Sarah Grey does a good job of capturing both Scarlett’s anger and her doubts. A Mother’s Instinct is a good and intense Lifetime movie, the type that will keep you guessing until the end.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Night of the Wild (dir by Eric Red)

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished up my review of Buried Secrets, it was time to watch Night of the Wild. Night of the Wild, which was produced by the wonderful people at The Asylum, originally aired on the SyFy network on October 3rd. Much like Ominous, The Hollow, and They Found Hell, it was aired as a part of their 31 Days of Halloween. I was on vacation when Night of the Wild was originally aired, so I missed it.

Night of the Wild is exactly the type of film that appears to have been made to give me nightmares. It’s a film about killer dogs and I’ve always been a bit scared of dogs. Recently, as a result of meeting some very well-behaved and sweet-natured members of the species, I’ve become a little bit more accepting of them but, for the most part, dogs still make me very nervous. I just can’t deal with all the barking and the growling and the jumping. Add to that, it freaks me out that dogs are apparently attuned to human emotions because I tend to be pretty moody. Get a dog around me and chances are my emotional nature will cause them to have a nervous breakdown.

Night of the Wild opens with a green meteorite crashing down to Earth. It lands near a small farming community. Soon, glowing chunks of the meteorite are appearing everywhere and the town’s dogs start to turn against their owners. (It’s debatable whether or not it’s just dogs that go crazy. One of my favorite shots of the movie is of a hundred cats safely perched up in a tree, as if they’re aware that the dogs are having issues and don’t want anything to do with them. There’s another shot the features several cows mooing in a slightly ominous fashion, as if they also can’t wait to take out a few farmers.) It’s pretty much a typical SyFy/Asylum scenario — the dogs go on a rampage through town, a lot of people die, and the members of a family (made up of Rob Morrow, Kelly Rutherford, Tristin Mays, and Carmen Tonry) try to get to safety.

And yet, there are a few things that set Night of the Wild apart from other SyFy films.

First off, there’s the look of the film. According to the imdb’s trivia section, director Eric Red and cinematographer Spencer Hutchins were inspired by the look of Dario Argento’s classic Suspiria. And you can certainly tell while watching the film. The colors are vibrant. The green glow of the meteorite is often seen in the background. When the dogs lay siege to a farmhouse, the reddish lighting will remind you of Suspiria‘s scenes of Jessica Harper investigating the hidden passageways of that haunted dance academy.

The other thing that sets apart Night of the Wild is just how violent and gruesome the film eventually becomes. Unlike Sharknado 3, this is not a comedy. This is not a film that invites you to laugh over all the mayhem. Night of the Wild is a grim and dark movie, one in which you’re never quite sure who is going to survive and who is going to fall victim to the dogs.

Night of the Wild is a film that will make you want to hug your favorite cat.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Buried Secrets (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, as you know if you’re one of our regular readers, I am currently in the process of cleaning out my DVR. That means that I’ve spent this week watching and reviewing a countless number of Lifetime and SyFy films. It’s been fun and I do love watching Lifetime films but I also have to admit that I’m glad to see that I only have 8 films left to go.

Earlier today, I continued to make progress by watching Buried Secrets. Buried Secrets originally aired on October 25th, on the Lifetime Movie Network. I didn’t get to see it when it originally aired because I was busy dancing in my underwear at a Halloween party. Fortunately, that’s why we have DVRs!

So, how to describe the plot of Buried Secrets? Seriously, it’s not easy as you might assume. There is a lot of stuff going on in Buried Secrets. In fact, it’s probably one of the most convoluted Lifetime films that I’ve ever seen. But let’s give it a shot:

Sarah Winters (Sarah Clarke) was a police detective who was involved in investigating the mysterious murder of police informant, Derrick Saunders (Fulvio Cecere). However, before Sarah could solve the crime, she was accused of corruption and kicked off the force. Sarah, of course, was totally innocent and she feels that she was set up by one of her fellow detectives, Joan Mueller (Veena Sood). Mueller is now chief-of-police, largely because of the attention she gained by accusing Sarah of being corrupt.

Sarah also has a teenage daughter (Angela de Lieva) and a mother (Gabrielle Rose), who she doesn’t get along with. This is largely because Sarah was adopted and she is upset because her adoptive mother refuses to give her any information about her biological parents.

Since Sarah is no longer on the force, she writes a novel that becomes a best seller. The novel is based on the murder of Derrick Saunders and features an incompetent, untrustworthy detective named Meckler. When Mueller demands to know if Meckler is based on her, Sarah says that she is. In the real world, this would lead to Sarah being sued for libel and probably being driven to bankruptcy.

However, this is Lifetime world! Mueller is concerned about much more than the real identity of Detective Meckler. Mueller thinks that the book contains details of the crime, which prove that Sarah was the murderer.

Meanwhile, Sarah’s boyfriend, Barry (Dan Payne), is working on the security detail of Mayor Harding (Sarah-Jane Redmond). Harding is running for reelection but it looks like she might be on the verge of losing her office. So, Harding starts to sleep with Barry to get information about Sarah. Mayor Harding has decided that if she campaigns on a platform that calls for banning Sarah’s book, she’ll win reelection.

And yes, that makes absolutely no sense but just go with it.

Meanwhile, there’s a mysterious homeless-looking guy (Teach Grant) and he keeps popping up at the strangest times. He shows up at a book singing. He follows Sarah’s daughter in the park. And, of course, he spends a lot of time at the local DNA lab…

Okay, so you might think, after reading all of this, that Buried Secrets doesn’t make much sense. And it doesn’t! But that, to be honest, is the film’s main appeal. Since Buried Secrets refuses to be tied down by logic, that means that literally anything can happen! At it’s best, Buried Secrets creates its own hyper realized world, where everything is just a bit over-the-top and strange. It’s a world where a major municipal election hinges on banning a novel, where book signings are fraught with drama and peril, and where one teenager can change an entire city’s mind just by grabbing a microphone and giving an impassioned speech. It’s all so strange that there’s no way not to enjoy it.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: The Wrong Girl (dir by Jason Bourque)

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I wrote my review of Caught and watched the latest episodes of Survivor and South Park, it was time for me to continue cleaning out the DVR by re-watching and reviewing The Wrong Girl. The Wrong Girl premiered on Lifetime on May 16th of this year. At the time that it originally aired, I was in the middle of doing my Embracing The Melodrama, Part II series of reviews and I simply did not have the opportunity to properly review it. But fortunately, I did DVR it.

The Wrong Girl tells the story of Sophie Allen (Sarah Grey), a teenager who is intelligent, responsible, fairly chaste, and a talented pianist. She’s the dream teenager but one day, she meets and befriends the new girl in school, Michelle (Kirsten Prout).

At first, Michelle — with her oversized glasses and her social awkwardness — seems like she’s just shy and introverted. But, the more that she hangs out with Sophie, the more another side of Michelle starts to emerge. It soon becomes obvious that Michelle is obsessed with being Sophie’s friend and more than a little possessive. She’s also a bad influence, telling Sophie that she’s playing well when she clearly is not. When Sophie’s music teacher says she doesn’t want Michelle hanging out around piano practice, Michelle goes to extreme methods to change her mind. When a condescending English teacher threatens to fail Sophie, Michelle blackmails him into changing his mind.

But then Sophie starts to feel that Michelle is getting too possessive and Michelle starts to turn against her “best friend.” Michelle starts to dress and do her hair exactly like Sophie and then Sophie catches Michelle making out with her crush. Someone breaks into Michelle’s mother’s office and throws stuff around. When Sophie makes the mistake of telling Michelle that she’s scared of spiders, can anyone really be surprised when a huge spider suddenly shows up creeping across her piano in the middle of a recital?

The Wrong Girl starts out as a typical Lifetime “obsessive friendship” film but, once Sophie starts to investigate Michelle’s background, there’s a plot twist that pushes The Wrong Girl over the line from melodrama to over the top craziness. And that’s okay! The over-the-top craziness is one reason why people like me tend to love Lifetime movies!

Sarah Grey and Kirsten Prout are both well-cast, director Jason Bourque keeps the action moving at a good pace, and you get to hear a lot of really good piano music. Kara Veri is credited as playing the piano and she does a great job! The Wrong Girl is enjoyable fun, the exact type of movie that justifies why so many of us watch Lifetime.

(On a purely administrative note: With this review, I have 8 more films to watch and review and then my DVR will be officially cleaned out!)

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Caught (dir by Maggie Kiley)

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since I’m still in the process of recovering from my sprained foot, I am spending today at home. And I have to tell you that this whole resting and taking it easy thing is starting to drive me crazy! Other than a very short police standoff in Arlington, there was absolutely nothing interesting on TV this afternoon. So, in an effort to stave off impending boredom, I decided to continue cleaning out my DVR.

I just finished watching Caught, a film which made its Lifetime premiere on November 7th. (I missed it because I was out celebrating my upcoming birthday with my friends in the SBS. Sexy Bitch Squad Forever!!!) Much like Stockholm, Pennsylvania, Caught was originally meant to be a theatrical release. It played at a few film festivals earlier this year until it was finally picked up by Lifetime.

And watching Caught, it’s easy to see why it ended up going straight to television. It’s not that Caught is a bad movie (especially when compared to the turgid mess that was Stockholm, Pennsylvania). It’s just that there’s nothing really cinematic about Caught. There’s no one moment or scene that makes you think, “I really wish I could see this on a big screen.” From the start, Caught feels as if it was tailor-made for Lifetime and that’s where it belongs.

And again, that’s not a criticism. I’ve lost track of how many of them that I’ve reviewed on this site but, by now, you should have no doubt that I happen to like Lifetime movies.

Caught opens with teenager Allie (Stefanie Scott) having a bad day. Because she’s failing some of her classes, she’s been kicked off the school’s track team. When she’s not sleeping through class or going for a run, Allie works at a resteraunt, where her boss just happens to be her mother (Mary B. McCann). After a day of dealing with bad grades and rude customers, Allie is looking forward to continuing her affair with the much older, Justin (Sam Page). However, once Allie’s mom meets Justin, she declares that she no longer wants Allie to see him.

And then, to top it all off, Allie gets kidnapped and ends up chained to a chair in an attic.

Who has kidnapped Allie? Well, judging from such previous Lifetime movies as The Bride He Bought Online and Stolen From The Suburbs, the obvious answer would be the Russian Mafia but, in Allie’s case, the obvious answer is wrong. Instead, she has been kidnapped by two sisters who aren’t really sure what they’re planning on doing with her. The younger of the two, Paige (Amelia Rose Blaire), is a shy introvert who starts to have second thoughts almost immediately. The older sister is Sabrina (Anna Camp). Sabrina masterminded the abduction. Sabrina also happens to be married to Justin…

Now, I have to admit, that I had my doubts when this movie started. Allie seemed like such a boring character that it was difficult for me to get emotionally invested in … well, in anything that she was involved with. When her coach told her she was off the team, I thought to myself, “You should have paid attention in class.” When her mom yelled at her for being late to work, I thought to myself, “I’m glad that I’ve never had to really work hard for a living.” And when Justin showed up, I shrugged and thought, “Why wouldn’t the two most boring people on Earth be drawn to each other?”

But then Allie got kidnapped and I quickly realized that Allie’s blandness may have very well been intentional. Because, ultimately, Caught is not about Allie. Instead, Caught is totally about Sabrina and, even more importantly, it’s about Anna Camp’s thoroughly wonderful performance in the lead role. Sabrina is totally batshit insane and Camp has a lot of fun playing that aspect of her personality. And, because she is so insane and so neurotic about trying to hide that fact, Sabrina is also the only interesting person in the entire movie. Throughout Caught, she struggles so hard to keep the kidnapping from going wrong that it’s hard not to sympathize with her. It didn’t matter what happened, I found myself on Sabrina’s side. Really, I found myself thinking, Sabrina just killed a cop? Well, maybe he shouldn’t have insisted on trying to search the house even after she told him it wasn’t necessary! Oh, did Sabrina just threaten to kill someone else? Well, maybe everyone just needs to get off her back, y’know!? Sabrina’s like a suburban hostess watching in terror as a drunk uncle and an out-of-control pre-schooler team up to destroy her dinner party. It’s up to her to somehow clean up the mess while continually to assure all of her guests that all is well, even when it obvious is not. Sabrina may say some hateful things during the movie but she always manages to say them all with a smile. Quite frankly, we could all learn a listen from Sabrina.

Once you realize that Caught is totally about Sabrina (and, even more importantly, totally about Anna Camp’s lead performance), it actually works fairly well.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Cleveland Abduction (dir by Alex Kalymnios)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished up Ominous, it was time to deal with Cleveland Abduction. Why was it something that I had to “deal with?” Well, I originally watched Cleveland Abduction when it was broadcast on Lifetime way back in May. I meant to review it when I originally watched it but, every time I sat down to write about this movie, I just couldn’t. Just thinking about the movie and the true story that inspired it was too overwhelming and upsetting. Cleveland Abduction is one of the most disturbing and depressing (and yet also inspiring) movies that I’ve ever seen. It’s certainly the most emotionally intense film to ever be made for Lifetime.

A friend of mine actually told me that she could only watch 15 minutes of Cleveland Abduction and then had to stop because she didn’t want the film’s ugliness to get inside her head. And I don’t blame her. Cleveland Abduction is an ugly film about three young women who were kidnapped, held prisoner, and repeatedly raped by an evil man. The film does not flinch from showing the details of their ordeal and it is all the more disturbing for being based on a true story.

I don’t know if I believe in demons or possession or anything like that but I do know that Ariel Castro was an evil man. Castro, a school bus driver and wannabe musician, abducted Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry off the streets of Cleveland. For 11 years, he held them prisoner in his filthy house. (Disturbingly, some of Castro’s neighbors actually saw the girls in the house but refused to get involved.) Rather than face a jury and spend the rest of his life as imprisoned as the three women he held captive in his house, Castro committed suicide in his jail cell.

The film centers on Castro’s first known victim, single mother Michelle Knight (a poignant performance from Taryn Manning, who perfectly captures Michelle’s quiet strength). Castro (played, in properly brutal fashion, by Raymond Cruz) runs into Michelle while she’s walking to court to try to win custody of her son. Castro offers her a ride and Michelle agrees. Castro takes her back to his house and her 11-year nightmare begins.

And it’s not easy to watch, nor should it be. The film doesn’t shy away from showing what Michelle and, eventually, the other two victims went through. Spending her days either handcuffed or in a locked bedroom, Michelle’s only escape comes from thinking about her son. When the other two girls are abducted, Michelle comforts them and help them to remain strong. Meanwhile, on the outside, the police assume that Michelle has just run away from her old life and they refuse to even look for her.

It’s ugly and disturbing and difficult and infuriating to watch. As I watched, I continually asked myself if I would be able to survive if I ever found myself in the same situation. I always like to assume that, since I always have pepper spray and I’m a fairly god runner, nobody would ever be able to abduct me but, as I sit here couch-bound with a sprained foot, I know that it’s never that simple. I also like to assume that I could be as strong as Michelle Knight. Hopefully, I’ll never have to find out.

But here’s the thing — as disturbing and nightmarish as this film has to be — it’s ultimately a very inspiring film. For all the ugliness, Cleveland Abduction is ultimately a film about survival and tribute to the strength, courage, and sisterhood of Michelle Knight, Gina DeJesus, and Amanda Berry. Based on Michelle’s book and featuring a compelling lead performance from Taryn Manning, Cleveland Abduction is not an easy film to watch but it is one that should be watched.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Ominous (dir by Peter Sullivan)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished writing my review of Lavalantula, it was time to bitch about my sprained foot to anyone who would listen. After that, it was time to have dinner and then it was time to lay on the couch and try to get some rest and finally, after all that, I got back to the task of cleaning out my DVR. The film that I ended up watching was Ominous, a SyFy film which was originally broadcast on October 10th.

Ominous opens with recovering alcoholic Michael Young (played by Barry Watson) putting his car into reverse and promptly running over his six year-old son, Jacob (Gavin Lewis). Michael and his wife, Rachel (Esme Bianco), rush Jacob to the hospital but it’s too late. Jacob dies. Later, as they’re driving back from the funeral, Rachel demands to know if Michael was drunk when he ran over Jacob. Michael says that he wasn’t drinking and that it was just an accident and then, as if to prove that he really is the worst driver in the world, Michael promptly runs over a dog.

When they arrive home, a man is waiting for them. Known only as The Stranger (and played, in properly sinister style, by Mark Lindsay Chapman), the man says that he can bring Jacob back to life. All Michael and Rachel have to do is dig up their son and bring his body back to the house. And then, to prove his point, the Stranger brings the dog back to life.

So, of course, Michael and Rachel go out to the cemetery and dig up Jacob. They bring him back to the house. The next morning, Jacob is suddenly alive. Yay! Of course, Jacob promptly re-kills the dog, which is our first clue that Jacob is not quite himself.

We then jump forward a few months. The Youngs have moved to a new town and appear to be living as normal a life as you can when your six year-old son is demon-possessed hellspawn. (Actually, he’s the Antichrist and don’t even pretend like that was a spoiler.) Michael fears his son, especially after Jacob has a seizure in church and causes a priest to burst into flames. Rachel continues to make excuses for her son, even when he does stuff like summon a sudden dust storm that manages to kill everyone on a playground.

There’s a scene early on in the film in which Jacob asks his mother if they can get a cat.

“I don’t think so,” Rachel replies, “Daddy’s allergic.”

“What about when Daddy’s dead?” Jacob cheerfully asks.

That scene pretty much tells you everything you need to know about Ominous. This is an unapologetically over-the-top demon child film, one that doesn’t make much sense but which is never boring. It’s easy to recognize which films are being ripped off — The Omen, The Visitor, The Birds — but the film is so shameless in its thievery that it’s easy to be forgiving. Is Ominous a rip-off or an homage? How about both?

Barry Watson actually does a pretty good job as a recovering alcoholic and his performance is reminiscent of some of Patrick Muldoon’s better work. Mark Lindsay Chapman is properly intimidating as the Stranger. Full of gore, melodrama, metaphysical posturing, and children with creepy demon eyes, Ominous is more entertaining than you might expect.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Lavalantula (dir by Mike Mendez)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The SyFy film Lavalantula opens in Los Angeles and we immediately know what that means. If it’s a day of the week ending with a y, it means that Los Angeles is about to attacked by some sort of giant monster. In this case, it’s due to a series of volcanic eruptions that lead to a swarm of gigantic, fire-breathing tarantulas being released into California.

Now, if Schwarzenegger was still governor of California, these spiders probably wouldn’t have been much of a problem. But have you seen the current governor of California? Seriously, I take one look at Jerry Brown and my first thought is that he’s not someone I would call if I needed someone to come over and kill a giant spider for me. I just wouldn’t. Sorry, Jerry.

(Incidentally, y’all love to make fun of people in Texas for loving guns but when was the last time we had a giant spider invasion get out of hand like the one in Lavalantula?)

When the spiders do show up and promptly start burning Los Angelenos alive, the police, the military, and the fire department all prove to be pretty much useless. Fortunately, L.A. is also the home of the film industry and, as has always happened whenever America has faced a monster-related crisis, the unsung heroes of the movie industry are willing to step up and save the day. Actor Colton West (Steve Guttenberg) may not know much about spiders. And, as we’re told at the start of the film, it’s been a while since he had a hit movie. But none of that matters. All that matters is that, back in the day, Colton starred in enough action movies that he now has a unique set of skills that can be used to defeat giant, fire-breathing tarantulas.

Of course, while saving California, Colton also has to save his wife, Olivia (Nia Peeples) but fortunately, Olivia is totally capable of kicking ass on her own. In fact, the entire film industry is shown to be capable of kicking ass, as Colton recruits the crew from his latest movie to help him save Los Angeles.

(Ian Ziering also pops up for a funny cameo. He can’t help Colton save Los Angeles becase he’s too busy trying to save the rest of the country from flying sharks. It’s a cute scene that works a lot better than you might think.)

Now, I have to admit that when I went to the DVR to track down and rewatch Lavalantula, I was shocked to discover that I didn’t record Lavalantula when it originally aired on July 25th! Usually, I both watch and record but, in the case of Lavalantula, I just watched. This review has been written from memory but that’s okay because Lavalantula‘s an extremely memorable film. Much like director Mike Mendez’s previous giant monster film — the beloved Big Ass Spider — Lavalantula is an enjoyably over-the-top B-movie that succeeds because, while it never takes itself too seriously, it does take itself just seriously enough to remain interesting. It expertly walks the fine line between tribute and parody. Regardless of how silly the film may get, the entire cast brings a lot of commitment to their roles and the end result is a genuinely fun movie.

One final sidenote: Apparently, this film was full of inside jokes about the Police Academy franchise. Having never seen any of the Police Academy films, I have to admit that the majority of the references probably went right over my head. I did, however, recognize Michael Winslow, the guy who does all the sound effects. He was one of the heroic crew people and he did a damn good job protecting California.

In fact, they all did.

Thank you, Hollywood.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (dir by A.B. Stone)

Posted on November 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished watching Stolen Daughter, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films. So, for my next DVRed movie, I watched Lake Placid vs. Anaconda. Lake Placid vs. Anaconda premiered on the SyFy Channel on April 25th. It was the first original SyFy film of the year and so, of course, my friends, the Snarkalecs, and I had to watch and record it.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda is a bit of a tribute to such classic monster movies as King Kong vs. Godzilla and … well, any other movie where Godzilla ended up fighting another big monster. In this case, it’s a battle between the giant crocodiles from the Lake Placid films and the giant snakes from the Anaconda films. However, it’s not really much of a battle. The crocodiles don’t really meet the snakes until the last 20 minutes of the film and the battle pretty much ends in a draw.

Instead, the majority of the film deals with the typical collection of SyFy character types trying to escape from the beach and surrounding wilderness without getting devoured. There’s a group of sorority girls, all of whom are basically slaves to the hilariously bitchy Tiffani (Laura Dale, who appears to be having a lot of fun with her role). There’s the tough, no-nonsense Sheriff (Yancy Butler), who always seems to be on the verge of declaring that she’s “too old for this …. shit!” There’s the forest ranger (Corin Nemec) who is trying to rescue his daughter, who happens to be one of the sorority girls.

My favorite group, however, was a group of mercenaries hired by Sarah Murdoch (Annabel Wright), the evil CEO of Wexel Pharmaceuticals. Sarah is so evil that she even talks about her evil plans while casually undressing in front of her subordinates. Now, I have to be honest. I have sat through this movie twice and I’m still not quite sure what Sarah’s evil plan actually was. It involved a blood orchid and capturing an anaconda. But, regardless of what the actual scheme was, Sarah and the mercenaries were so melodramatic that it was impossible not to be entertained by them.

Anyway, Lake Placid vs. Anaconda takes way too long to get the creatures on screen together and the final battle is a bit of a let down. Fortunately, however, Robert Englund is there to joyfully chew up all the scenery until the crocodiles and the snakes arrive. Englund is playing a crocodile hunter. He drinks too much, he talks too much, and he’s missing an eye, a leg, and an arm. Englund appears to be having a lot of fun playing the role and he’s the best thing in the movie.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda really can’t compare to any of the excellent shark films that would later premiere on SyFy in July but it’s worth seeing for Annabel Wright and Robert Englund.