Before I talk too much about the last night’s Lifetime premiere, Pregnant at 17, I want to share something with you. As of 10:00 pm on the night at February 20th, this is the imdb plot description, which was posted by Reel One Entertainment:
When Sonia finds out her husband of 10 years is having an affair, she decides to get to know the young woman, Chelsea, he’s fallen in love with. Chelsea, a free-spirit who believes in polyamory, brings a happiness and fulfillment to Sonia that she’s never experienced before– especially since her miscarriage which left her depressed and hopeless. The three form a polyamorous relationship until an unexpected turn of events sends all of their lives into a tailspin.
Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it!? Certainly, this is the first time that I’ve seen the term “polyamory” used in a plot description since Utopia went off the air!
However, by the time you read this review, I imagine that the plot description will probably have been changed because it’s absolutely inaccurate. It is true that Sonia (Josie Bissett) does find out that her husband, Jeff (Roark Critchlow), is having an affair with Chelsea (Zoe De Grand Maison). However, Chelsea is not a polyamorous free spirit. Instead, she’s a 17 year-old girl who works at an ice cream parlor. (The name of the parlor is Stella Lama.) And, though Jeff does have an affair with her, he never falls in love with Chelsea. In fact, when Chelsea tells him that she’s pregnant (at 17!), he promptly attempts to pay her off.
That’s right — Pregnant at 17 is yet another installment in Lifetime’s endless series of “…at 17” films. Over the past few years, we’ve seen everything from Betrayed At 17 to Stalked At 17 to Framed At 17 to Accused at 17. Seriously, it’s not easy being a 17 year-old girl on Lifetime! The worst things are always happening to you. Since I had a lot of melodrama in my life when I was 17, I always enjoy and relate to the “…at 17” movies. Pregnant at 17 was a film that I could especially relate to because it was about a girl who had both red hair and a boyfriend named Jeff!
Even without the promised softcore polyamory, Pregnant at 17 was still wonderfully melodramatic in the way that only a good Lifetime film can be. After Sonia discovers that Chelsea has been sleeping with her husband, she goes down to the ice parlor to confront her. However, within seconds of their first meeting, Chelsea is offering Sonia free ice cream and talking about how difficult her life is. Sonia feels sorry for Chelsea and, instead of confronting her, ends up befriending her.
And Chelsea really needs a friend! Not only has she been abandoned by her married boyfriend but she’s also being stalked by Greg Foster (Rogan Christopher). Apparently, before she met Jeff, Chelsea witnessed Greg robbing a convenience store. Chelsea identified Greg to the police and Greg has spent the last year in jail. Now, he’s out and he wants revenge! Helping Greg is his sister, Laren (Corina Bizem). We know that Laren is dangerous because she wears way too much dark eyeliner.
When Sonia confronts Jeff about his affair, he replies, “You’re not perfect, either.” Guys, if you’re reading this — if you are ever caught cheating, do not attempt to excuse your actions by saying, “You’re not perfect, either.” SERIOUSLY, THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.
(Forgive me for the all caps but I think this is an important message to impart. If I can teach a lesson, I am always happy to do so.)
Now, at this point, I was thinking about a friend of mine who found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she responded by supergluing his penis to his stomach. (Yes, that is a true story and yes, the person who suggested it to her was inspired by Reservoir Dogs.) However, Sonia doesn’t go that far. Instead, she just makes Jeff sleep in the guest room. The next morning, Jeff gets hit by a car and ends up laid up at the hospital.
That now means that there’s extra room in Sonia’s house! And who better to move in but her husband’s pregnant mistress!? Of course, by doing so, Sonia is now being stalked by the same people who have been stalking Chelsea…
Seriously, being pregnant at 17 is the least of Chelsea’s problems. This is pure Choas at 17.
And no, there’s no polyamory. There’s no threesomes. I know that the plot description promised a threesome but that’s not the type of movie that Pregnant at 17 is. This is not Carnal Wishes or Big Bad Mama. And really, that’s okay. Pregnant at 17 is a lot of fun, just the way it is. This film epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies. It’s so over the top that watching it is a pure delight.
Both Josie Bissett and Zoe De Grande Maison also deserve a lot of credit for fully committing to their roles. Bissett, who was so good in A Mother’s Instinct, gives another excellent performance here. Meanwhile, Maison does all of us redheads proud!
Keep an eye out for Pregnant at 17! You will not be disappointed.
Artie Logan (Charlie Schlatter) is a wannabe James Dean who keeps getting kicked out of school because he is such a rebel. His father, a judge, gives Artie one more chance. Artie can either enroll at Fairfield College or he can go to jail. Artie chooses Fairfield, where he meets and falls for the beautiful and popular Tally Fuller (Josie Bissett). However, no sooner does Artie show up for their first date than someone sets Tally on fire and crashes through a window. Artie is the number one suspect but Detective P.J. Decker (Christopher Walken) still gives him 24 hours to solve the murder and clear his name. Artie investigates and discovers that Tally was not the innocent, all-American girl that everyone thought she was. This leads to a nudity-filled flashback that explains why All-American Murder was an HBO mainstay in the 90s. It also leads to other people being murdered by snakes and hand grenades.
Dumb. Just dumb.
Through the Shattered Lens 