Retro Television Reviews: Swimsuit (dir by Chris Thomson)

Posted on November 13, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1989’s Swimsuit. It can be viewed on Tubi!

Mrs. Allison (Cyd Charisse, in what is basically an extended cameo) is determined to make Saltare Swimsuit Company the most popular swimsuit brand in the world. And, as we all know, the key to popularity is picking the right models. She assigns her second-in-command, Brian Rutledge (William Katt, giving off a pure Malibu vibe), to find the most beautiful women and men on the beach. Joining Brian on this mission is his goofy assistant, Willard Thurm (Tom Villard).

Brian and Willard quickly manage to gather a group of potential models, all of whom will now compete for the chance to represent Saltare. Among the hopefuls:

Maria (Nia Peeples) is hoping that she will not only become the body of Saltare but that she’ll also be able to launch an acting career. Complicating matters is that she used to be married to Brian and he tends to get upset whenever an audition causes her to be late to a photoshoot.

Jade (Catherine Oxenberg) wants to be famous and rich and she’s already living a wealthy lifestyle. Everything about Jade suggests that she’s probably doing massive amounts of cocaine but, since this is a made-for-TV movie, we don’t get to see any of that. Instead, she ends up having a very unlikely romance with Willard.

Romella (Ally Walker) is Hungarian and speaks mangled English, which this film plays for cringey laughs. She befriends a male model named Scott (Paul Johansson) and schemes to make money.

Finally, Rosy (Cheryl Pollak) is an innocent and naïve waitress who, like all good Americans, has always dreamed of being a model. As she competes, she finds herself torn between two potential suitors. Chris Cutty (Billy Warlock, showing off the blue collar beach style that landed him the role of the troubled lifeguard on Baywatch) is working class but honest and he has big plans of opening up his own business. Hart Chadway (Jack Wagner) is slick and wealthy and older. Gee, I wonder who Rosy will end up with?

You know all the horror stories that you hear about the modeling industry? The sexual harassment? The eating disorders? The constant pressure to be perfect? The drug addiction and the depression and the stalkers and the cancel crowd watching your every move? Well, absolutely none of that is present in Swimsuit, which basically portrays modeling as perhaps the most earnest and wholesome industry to be found in the United States. Mrs, Allison wants the best for all of her models and Brian and Willard are complete gentlemen. You’ll be able to guess, from the minute she first appears onscreen, who is ultimately going to be the winner of the model search but, in the end, everyone gets something to be happy about. This is a film without any real conflict, beyond Rosy trying to decide whether to date a working class hunk or a slightly more wealthy hunk.

You may have guessed that there’s not a huge amount of depth to Swimsuit. It’s a movie about good looking people posing in swimsuits. It’s the type of film that you can play in the background while you do other things. Whenever someone starts singing a song on the soundtrack or you hear the sound of waves hitting the beach, you know that it’s time to look at the screen. No one in the film makes a huge impression, though Cyd Charisse is properly eloquent as Mrs. Allison and William Katt is likable as Brian. Tom Villard and Catherine Oxenberg make for an unexpectedly cute couple, which just goes to show that it’s never a bad idea to temper beauty with goofiness and vice versa. Otherwise, this is an inoffensive but slightly forgettable fantasy of what it’s like to be a model.

Adventures in Cleaning Out the DVR: Lavalantula (dir by Mike Mendez)

Posted on November 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The SyFy film Lavalantula opens in Los Angeles and we immediately know what that means. If it’s a day of the week ending with a y, it means that Los Angeles is about to attacked by some sort of giant monster. In this case, it’s due to a series of volcanic eruptions that lead to a swarm of gigantic, fire-breathing tarantulas being released into California.

Now, if Schwarzenegger was still governor of California, these spiders probably wouldn’t have been much of a problem. But have you seen the current governor of California? Seriously, I take one look at Jerry Brown and my first thought is that he’s not someone I would call if I needed someone to come over and kill a giant spider for me. I just wouldn’t. Sorry, Jerry.

(Incidentally, y’all love to make fun of people in Texas for loving guns but when was the last time we had a giant spider invasion get out of hand like the one in Lavalantula?)

When the spiders do show up and promptly start burning Los Angelenos alive, the police, the military, and the fire department all prove to be pretty much useless. Fortunately, L.A. is also the home of the film industry and, as has always happened whenever America has faced a monster-related crisis, the unsung heroes of the movie industry are willing to step up and save the day. Actor Colton West (Steve Guttenberg) may not know much about spiders. And, as we’re told at the start of the film, it’s been a while since he had a hit movie. But none of that matters. All that matters is that, back in the day, Colton starred in enough action movies that he now has a unique set of skills that can be used to defeat giant, fire-breathing tarantulas.

Of course, while saving California, Colton also has to save his wife, Olivia (Nia Peeples) but fortunately, Olivia is totally capable of kicking ass on her own. In fact, the entire film industry is shown to be capable of kicking ass, as Colton recruits the crew from his latest movie to help him save Los Angeles.

(Ian Ziering also pops up for a funny cameo. He can’t help Colton save Los Angeles becase he’s too busy trying to save the rest of the country from flying sharks. It’s a cute scene that works a lot better than you might think.)

Now, I have to admit that when I went to the DVR to track down and rewatch Lavalantula, I was shocked to discover that I didn’t record Lavalantula when it originally aired on July 25th! Usually, I both watch and record but, in the case of Lavalantula, I just watched. This review has been written from memory but that’s okay because Lavalantula‘s an extremely memorable film. Much like director Mike Mendez’s previous giant monster film — the beloved Big Ass Spider — Lavalantula is an enjoyably over-the-top B-movie that succeeds because, while it never takes itself too seriously, it does take itself just seriously enough to remain interesting. It expertly walks the fine line between tribute and parody. Regardless of how silly the film may get, the entire cast brings a lot of commitment to their roles and the end result is a genuinely fun movie.

One final sidenote: Apparently, this film was full of inside jokes about the Police Academy franchise. Having never seen any of the Police Academy films, I have to admit that the majority of the references probably went right over my head. I did, however, recognize Michael Winslow, the guy who does all the sound effects. He was one of the heroic crew people and he did a damn good job protecting California.

In fact, they all did.

Thank you, Hollywood.

Embracing the Melodrama #55: Inside Out (dir by David Ogden)

Posted on July 15, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Eriq La Salle in Inside Out

Welcome to the suburbs!

It’s a world of secrets and lies, where friends spend their time exchanging gossip and no one’s marriage is that happy once you get behind closed doors. It’s a place where any sign of nonconformity is viewed as being a threat and where everyone is desperate to be a neighborhood insider because being an outsider is Hell on Earth.

The suburbs have also been the setting of a countless number of Hollywood melodramas. I’ve reviewed a few of them, like Sin In The Suburbs, over the past two weeks. The 2005 film Inside Out continues the cinematic tradition of casting a skeptical eye on the suburbs and it actually works pretty well, up until about the final 10 minutes of the movie. Yes, Inside Out is one of those movies that basically starts out strong and then ruins it all by building up to a thoroughly ludicrous final twist.

Don’t get me wrong. I love twist endings when they work. When they don’t work, they lead to something like Inside Out.

Inside Out starts out well enough. Eriq La Salle plays a mysterious man who moves into an idyllic suburban neighborhood in the middle of the night. When his neighbors attempt to greet him, he simply responds with a cold glare and then proceeds to alienate them even more by loudly mowing his lawn in the middle of another night. When he decides to hold a sudden garage sale, everyone is surprised to discover that he’s not selling the usual second-hand stuff. Instead, he’s selling expensive and new electronics and valuable antiques. When one neighborhood woman asks why he’s selling all of it, La Salle simply replies that they once belonged to his son.

Finally, La Salle does start to socialize with one neighbor (played by Steven Weber) but the friendlier that La Salle is, the more suspicious Weber becomes. Weber cannot bring himself to trust his new neighbor and instead, he starts his own investigation. As Weber finds out more and more about La Salle, he starts to grow more and more paranoid….

And, up until the final 10 minutes, the entire movie is actually kind of working. Director David Ogden is keeping things nicely off-center. Weber is both sympathetic and somewhat frightening as he grows more and more paranoid. Best of all, Eriq La Salle creates a character that seems to radiate a very genuine sort of menace. You really want to know what La Salle is hiding in his basement and you worry what will happen to Weber once he inevitably breaks in La Salle’s house to investigate…

And then, out of nowhere, the film launches one of the biggest and stupidest twists in the history of the movies. No, you won’t see it coming. Yes, you will be shocked. But not because the twist is effective or surpising. No, the twist is shocking because it makes no sense, it comes out of nowhere, and it is just amazingly stupid.

And that’s a shame because there’s a lot of talent on display in this film.

Is the film worth seeing despite the twist? Perhaps. It shows up on Encore occasionally and I would recommend it on the strength of Weber and La Salle’s performances. As I said, there’s a lot to appreciate during the first 80 minutes of the film. But, before it reaches that twist, you might want to stop the film and come up with a better ending of your own.