Brad reviews UNDER SIEGE (1992), starring Steven Seagal!

Posted on January 3, 2026 by Bradley Crain

I’ve always liked UNDER SIEGE. After his sudden emergence with a series of brutal action films in the late 80’s and early 90’s, like ABOVE THE LAW and OUT FOR JUSTICE, Steven Seagal entered the world of high concept action filmmaking when he starred in this “Die Hard on a Battleship.” Seagal would not be the underdog cop taking on drug dealers, coked up mafia hitmen, or crooked cops here. Rather, he emerges as a full blown movie star in a big budget studio action film. Directed by Andrew Davis, whose credits include Chuck Norris’ best movie CODE OF SILENCE (1985), Seagal’s debut ABOVE THE LAW (1988) and the next year’s global smash THE FUGITIVE (1993), this is the movie where everything came together for Seagal. I watched UNDER SIEGE at the movie theater myself in 1992 and had a great time with it. I didn’t realize at the time that this would be his career peak, with a global box office of over $156 million. No other film would really even come close.

Casey Ryback (Seagal) is a “cook” aboard the USS Missouri, a battleship that is scheduled to be decommissioned. He’s also a former badass Navy SEAL who was demoted after punching out his commanding officer when a mission in Panama had gone wrong. When a group of mercenaries led by ex–CIA operative William Strannix (Tommy Lee Jones) seize control of the ship under the guise of a birthday celebration, they overlook Ryback. In classic John McClane style, Ryback goes on to become a fly in their ointment, a monkey in their wrench, and a big-time pain in their asses! Moving through the narrow corridors of the ship, and with the assistance of Playboy Playmate Jordan Tate (Erika Eleniak), Ryback begins taking out mercenaries one by one. But will he be able to stop Strannix and his partner Krill (Gary Busey) from stealing the ship’s nuclear Tomahawks and preserve the safety and security of the world? I’ll give you one guess!

First and foremost, UNDER SIEGE is a damn good action movie. It definitely helps that a director as talented as Andrew Davis is calling the shots. His film delivers on the entertainment front, with lots of well staged shootouts, violent scenes of close quarter, hand-to-hand combat, and a cake emergence sequence that still makes my head spin! I think the battleship makes for a great “movie” setting for this type of action. With its concoction of narrow hallways, engine rooms, and mess halls, there’s all kinds of interesting places for fighting and killing. Back in 2007, I was lucky enough to take a tour of the USS Alabama battleship, the primary filming location for UNDER SIEGE, which only enhances my appreciation for the work done here. On the heels of his confident and charismatic performance in the prior year’s OUT FOR JUSTICE, this is Steven Seagal at his most watchable. He’s in peak physical condition, so he can believably kick all the ass that’s necessary for this kind of film, and he’s also likable in his role as the underestimated “cook.” He will never be mistaken for Bruce Willis, but Seagal is good here.

Great action movies will usually have great villains, and UNDER SIEGE is especially blessed in this area. Tommy Lee Jones goes way over-the-top, chewing on scenery like he’s at a Golden Corral buffet, turning Strannix into the type of irrational lunatic that I love in my early 90’s action movies. And looking back now, Gary Busey seems to do what he does best. His traitorous Commander Krill comes off as goofy, disgusting, and unstable. In other words, he’s perfect. Even though Seagal does smile more in this film, Jones and Busey do bring an energy to the movie that balances out Seagal’s more stoic character, providing the type of spark not often found in the star’s movies.

At the end of the day, I rank UNDER SIEGE as my second favorite Steven Seagal film, slightly below my preference for the more down and dirty OUT FOR JUSTICE. What it lacks in grit is more than made up with entertainment value, strong performances, and action on a scale that the star’s future films would never rise to again. If I were put in a position where I could only recommend one Steven Seagal film to a person who’d never seen one of his movies before, I’d probably go with this one. It’s an excellent, mainstream 90’s action movie.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

Posted on December 6, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, there’s a lot happening on the beach!

Baywatch 1.7 “The Cretin of the Shallows”

(Dir by Vern Gillum, originally aired on December 1st, 1989)

Eddie gets his wisdom teeth taken out. Feverish and on pain-killers, he has a hallucination in which Gina Pomeroy (Holly Gagnier) kisses him. Eddie spends the entire episode nervous that Craig is going to discover that he’s having an affair with his wife but actually, Eddie isn’t having an affair. It’s not until the end of the episode that Gina tells Eddie that they never kissed and Eddie finally starts to relax. Gina promises not to tell Craig because “I think it’s sweet.” Myself, I’m just curious as to how stupid Eddie actually is.

Shauni and Jill deal with a teenage boy who has made a bet with his friends that he’ll be able to get a kiss from both of them.

And a horrifying serial killer (Robert Trebor) is stalking the night, brutally murdering people on the beach.

One of these storylines is not like the other!

The first season of Baywatch was seriously weird. Light-hearted lifeguard hi-jinx would be mixed in with scenes of people being murdered. Mitch and Craig weren’t just lifeguards. They were also cops who solved mysteries (Kind of like Baywatch Nights!) and they put their lives at risk to do so. Remember how I mentioned that Gina told Eddie that they never kissed? She told him that after she had been rescued from the serial killer. Gina nearly died! Neither Gina nor Craig seemed to be too upset about that, though. I would be a little bit traumatized but that’s just me.

This episode really didn’t work for me. Personally, I like the light-hearted stuff. It’s dumb but, at heart, Baywatch’s appeal is that it’s a dumb show with nice scenery. Tossing a serial killer into the mix just made things unpleasant. It didn’t feel like it belonged on a show about people running on the beach in red bathing suits.

This is my last Baywatch review of 2025. Retro Television Reviews will be taking a break for the holidays so that I can focus on Awards Season and Christmas movies! Baywatch will return on January 10, 2026.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.6 “The Sky Is Falling”

Posted on November 29, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the ocean is full money!

Episode 1.6 “The Sky Is Falling”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 27th, 1989)

Baywatch was a show that was often known for being unintentionally funny.

Of course, it’s open for debate just how self-aware Baywatch may or may not have been. Some of the show’s writers and directors have claimed that the show was meant to be campy. At the same time, there are cast members who specifically left because they felt that there was no way to play some of the scenes they were expected to perform. Professional surfer Kelly Ward left the cast after he read a script that involved him fighting an octopus that tried to steal his surf board. Jason Momoa has said that appearing on Baywatch Hawaii early in his career made it difficult for him to convince other casting directors to give him a chance. That said, David Hasselhoff reportedly continues to swear that Baywatch was a sincere tribute to lifeguards and that it was responsible for people learning how to perform CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver. Once you’ve watched Hasselhoff tear up while talking about a girl who saved her little brother using a technique she saw on Baywatch, you’re left with little doubt that Hasselhoff took the show very seriously.

That said, I do think most of the humor on Baywatch was unintentional. That’s especially true of the first season, which was about as earnest as a network television show can be. With this week’s episode, Baywatch tried to be intentionally funny and the results were definitely mixed.

The humor came from Harv (James Sloyan) and Sylvia (Carol Siskind), two frumpy bank robbers who crashed their private plane in the ocean and subsequently lost a suitcase containing thousands of dollars. Throughout the episode, there are shots of the suitcase floating in the ocean. Finally, a boat collides with it and money goes flying everywhere. Soon, everyone is running into the water and getting trapped in a riptide. Lifeguards to the rescue! As for Harv and Sylvia, they were meant to be funny but instead, their constant bickering just got annoying. Watching them, I thought to myself, “If these two idiots can rob a bank, anyone can do it!” That’s not a Hasselhoff-approved message.

Slightly more successful was a storyline about Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham) deciding that he needed to get back on the beach. For Thorpe, this meant working a tower with Eddie and Shauni. For Eddie and Shauni, that meant having to spend hour after hour listening to Thorpe’s long-winded stories. Billy Warlock and Erika Eleniak actually did a pretty good job portraying the mind-numbing boredom of being stuck with Captain Thorpe.

As for the serious storyline, Gail has accepted a job in Ohio and wants to move there …. with Hobie! However, when Mitch helps Gail pack, they both get sentimental and end up sleeping together, leading Hobie to believe that his parents are going to get back together. Hey, divorced parents — DO NOT DO THIS! Seriously, divorce is hard enough on a child without giving them false hope. In the end, Gail decides to let Hobie stay in California after Hobie uses his junior lifeguard training to save the life of a drowned girl. Hobie’s a hero and his big reward is that he doesn’t have to go to Ohio. I’m going to say “Ouch!” on behalf of the Buckeye State.

In the end, this episode was pretty uneven. The thieves weren’t ever a credible threat but I did laugh at everyone running into the ocean to try to grab the stolen money. The important thing is that the show didn’t have to relocate to Ohio.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

Posted on November 1, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)

Hobie’s such a dumbass.

For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing. This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.

Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad. So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers. It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.

In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team. Truth be told, Eddie is a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people. That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot. (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.) Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time. I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help. Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.

This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie. Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible. Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark. It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.3 “Second Wave”

Posted on October 25, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Trouble comes to Malibu!

Episode 1.3 “Second Wave”

(Dir by Scott Brazil, originally aired on October 13th, 1989)

Jimmy Roche (Daniel Quinn), an old friend-turned-enemy of Eddie’s, is in Malibu and he and his gang are eager to give Eddie a hard time. When Eddie tries to rescue a man in the water, Jimmy trips him and then plays keep-away with Eddie rescue can. Dang, these guys are hardcore!

Eddie doesn’t want to tell anyone about his past, even after Jimmy files an assault complaint against him. (Eddie was provoked into throwing a punch.) Jimmy threatens to robs Gina and Craig unless Eddie gives him some money. Eddie agrees to meet with Jimmy but then tells the cops. Garner Ellerbee decides to set up an undercover sting, which basically means that Garner stands next to Eddie while Eddie waits for Jimmy to show up. Somehow, Jimmy figures out what’s going on. Looks like Eddie will just have to beat Jimmy up on the beach and prove that he’s no longer a delinquent from Philadelphia.

That would be an intense storyline, if not for the fact that Jimmy himself comes across as being kind of a wimp. I mean, a young David Spade is a member of his gang! Eddie allows himself to be intimidated by a young David Spade! Think about that. This storyline just made Eddie seem kind of dumb,

Meanwhile, a young Mariska Hargitay gave a terrible performance as Lisa (hey!), the daughter of the head of the country club. Lisa (!) decided to pursue a romance with the country club’s lifeguard, Trevor, as a way of upsetting her father. When Lisa (!) jumped into the ocean to make a point (though I’m not sure what point), Trevor rescued her. However, Lisa (!) later went into shock because she still had water in her lungs. Trevor was able to get her to the hospital in time but he learned an important lesson about not being a cocky lifeguard.

“The county lifeguards know about secondary drowning,” he’s told.

Okay, so why wouldn’t Trevor know about that? The whole idea behind Trevor’s character is that he was a hotshot lifeguard in Australia before he came to California. So, is the show implying that he wasn’t trained in lifeguard basics in Australia because given how famous Australia is for its beaches, I find that hard to believe.

Anyway, after she recovers Lisa (!) announces that she’s going back to New York and Trevor realizes that she was only using him to make her father angry. Trevor stops by Baywatch HQ and talks to Mitch and admits that he doesn’t enjoy working as a lifeguard. Lifeguard Jill Riley gives him a sympathetic look. It looks like they’re falling in love but I’ve seen this series before so I already know that Jill is going to get eaten by a shark and Trevor is going to vanish after a few more episodes.

This episode could have used a shark.

We love you, Roboshark!

October Positivity: Meant To Be (dir by Bradley Dorsey)

Posted on October 20, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2012’s Meant To Be tells the story of …. well, it tells a few stories.

Tori (Erin Sossamon) is a teenage girl who has a bright future but only if she can survive her less-than-wonderful present. She has an abusive boyfriend. Her parents seem to be absent. She’s a photographer and her high school counselor (Michael Gross) has helped her to find a scholarship but Tori has recently discovered that she’s pregnant!

Linda Dickson (Erika Eleniak) is a social worker, who lives in a nice house and who has a wonderful husband (Dean Cain) but who also seems to be struggling with an overwhelming depression. Maybe it’s because her 18 year-old daughter has recently left home for college. She obsesses on finding newspaper stories about 20 year-olds doing wonderful things. She cuts them out of the paper and puts them in a shoebox. (I do the same thing with well-written obituaries.) When a call comes in about a loud argument at Tori’s house, Linda is the one who investigates. When she realizes that Tori is pregnant, Linda becomes a part of Tori’s life, giving her advice. Linda is determined to convince Tori to not get an abortion, even if it means that Tori will lose her scholarship.

And finally, there’s Nathan (Bradley Dorsey), a twenty year-old aspiring writer who doesn’t know what he should write about. In a voice-over, he says that he’s learned that writing about only what you know can be a trap so he’s decided to write about what he doesn’t know. (By that logic, my next short story should be about trigonometry.) Nathan grew up in the foster system. He doesn’t know who his mother was. He’s not even fully sure where he was born. But he’s still going to search for her so he can discover not only where he came from but also why he was abandoned.

Nathan finds himself staying at a mysterious hotel, one where all of the other guests also appear to be people who never knew their mother. Even though Nathan puts a do-not disturb sign on his door, the motel maid (Della Reese) still regularly enters his room and encourages him to get out of bed and continue his search. With the help of two other guests, Shelly (Kristen Renton) and Becky (Colleen Foy), Nathan is able to track down his mother and her address….

Can you guess who she is?

Of course, you can! Now, in all fairness to the movie, it doesn’t present the fact that Linda is Nathan’s mother as some sort of surprise twist. From the moment that Nathan figures out that his mother was named Linda and then Becky comes across an old glamour shot of Erika Eleniak in a high school yearbook, it’s pretty clear that Linda Dickson gave up Nathan and she’s never stopped thinking about him and that’s why she’s so obsessed with Tori. That’s not the twist.

But there is a twist and here it is….

Are you ready?

Nathan and all the residents at the hotel and most of the passengers on the flights that Nathan takes in and out of town are …. ABORTION GHOSTS! That’s right. Linda had an abortion. Nathan was the son she was meant to have but didn’t.

Is it heavy-handed? Yes. Is it effective? Well, the answer to that question probably depends on how you feel about abortion. That’s one thing about all of these abortion movies. It’s hard for me to imagine that any of these films — whether it’s the church-produced Pro-Life films or the studio-produced Pro-Choice films — have ever changed anyone’s mind about abortion. As such, movies about abortion largely exist to preach to the choir. Abortion movies, regardless of which side they come down on, are largely movie that people watch so that they can nod and think to themselves, “My side really is the only correct one.”

As for the film itself, it’s rather slow and the voice-over tends to get rather portentous. Dean Cain was probably on the set for one day. Colleen Foy gave the best performance while Erika Eleniak was a bit bland in the lead role. On the plus side, it looked like a real movie, which is more than one can say for a lot of faith-based films. Again, how you react to the film will largely depend on whether or not you agree with its message.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.2 “Heat Wave”

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Save me!

Episode 1.2 “Heat Wave”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on September 29th, 1989)

Not much of an episode this week, I’m afraid.

California is dealing with a heat wave and no one has air conditioning (really?) so everyone in Los Angeles is heading down to the beach so that they can relax in the hot sand. Eddie and Trevor keep giving each other the side eye because Eddie is a Baywatch lifeguard and Trevor is a country club life guard. Eddie tries to hit on a woman who has spent the entire day relaxing near his tower but it turns out that she’s visiting from Australia and only has eyes for Trevor. “Maybe next time,” she tells Eddie.

Craig is told by his boss that he has to choose between being a lawyer at a big firm or a lifeguard. Craig’s wife, Gina, suggests that Craig quit the law firm and become a beachfront lawyer. She says that he can still be a lifeguard and he can just use their kitchen table as his desk. I don’t know if I would be as understanding as Gina. Craig was making a lot of money as a big corporate lawyer, even if he apparently couldn’t afford to get an air conditioner.

(What the Heck, California? How are you surviving with air conditioning!?)

Meanwhile, two stupid kids get trapped in a storm drain. Mitch sends the junior lifeguards out to look for them. Hobie asks, “What can a bunch of junior lifeguards do?” Mitch replies that this is an opportunity for the junior lifeguards to go to all the places that they’re usually not allowed to go. So, basically, Mitch’s plan to find the missing kids is to put a bunch of other kids at risk. I guess that’s why he’s the lieutenant.

Luckily, the two dumb kids are rescued. One of the kids is the son of Steve Humboldt (Jeffrey Byron), a former Baywatch lifeguard. It turns out that Steve lost custody of his kid in a court case and he basically abducted him. But, after the kid nearly dies, Steve is like, “We’re going to call your mom and go home!” and that apparently makes everything okay under the “He Changed His Mind Afterwards” clause.

This was all pretty dumb. Stay out of the storm drain, kids! It’s not that difficult.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 1.1 “In Deep”

Posted on October 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Hobie’s a snitch!

Episode 1.1 “In Deep”

(Dir by Peter H. Hunt, originally aired on September 22nd, 1989)

Hobie, you idiot!

Mitch’s young son is spending the summer with his father and he’s supposed to be concentrating on summer school. Instead, he hanging out with two older guys, Scott (Christopher Murphy) and Ron (Lance Gilbert), and basically letting himself be used as a slave in return for jet ski lessons.

Mitch is not a fan of jet skis. They’re unregulated and they’re dangerous, he says. As if to prove Mitch’s point, Scott collides with a windjammer! The woman on the windjammer is killed. (Craig and Eddie pull her body out of the ocean, which is the type of sad thing that Baywatch would eventually stop featuring.) Hobie, realizing Scott is guilty, tries to find the evidence to prove it and nearly gets himself killed as a result. Fortunately, Mitch is able to save him and Scott is arrested. I have to say that, after this episode, I kind of found myself agreeing with Mitch’s ex-wife. The beach is too dangerous!

Meanwhile, Craig caught Eddie sleeping in his lifeguard tower and realized that Eddie, who I assume is getting paid to be a lifeguard, doesn’t have a home. Did he ever have a home? Has he been sleeping on the beach all this time? How did he apply for Lifeguard School without an address? Anyway, Craig takes Eddie back to his Venice loft, where Craig’s wife (now played by Holly Gagnier, replacing the pilot’s Gina Hecht) decides that they should let Eddie rent their storage room. It’s even got a view of the beach, if you ignore all the other buildings in the way and instead just find that one unobstructed alley to look down. (Actually, Eddie finding and looking down that alley was cute and likable. He was so excited!) I have to say that, for a lawyer, Craig’s loft really sucked. It was pretty impressive for a lifegaurd, though.

The other big development this week is that Garner Ellerbee (Gregory Alan Williams) made his first appearance as the beach cop who hates sand. (Then why become a beach cop?) He and Mitch appear to be old friends. Little do they know that they will eventually open up a detective agency together.

This episode was predictable but the cast was super likable. The earnestness of it all carried the day.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier

Posted on October 4, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, I start a new series of reviews. Since I already did Baywatch Nights, it just made sense to go ahead and do Baywatch. All together, this show ran for 11 and a movie so it should only take 241 weeks to finish up the series….

“Baywatch: Panic At Malibu Pier”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on April 29th, 1989)

It’s not easy being a lifeguard.

That would seem to be the main theme running through Panic at Malibu Pier, the two-hour movie that also served as a pilot for Baywatch. Consider the drama:

Mitch Buchanan (David Hasselhoff) loves the beach and he loves getting in the water but it’s cost him his marriage and now, his ex-wife (Wendie Malick) is suing for sole custody of their young son, Hobie (Brandon Call). Hobie doesn’t like going to school. He doesn’t understand why he can’t just spend all day on the beach like his father. Mitch, meanwhile, has been promoted to lieutenant of Baywatch and he’s now no longer supposed to do rescues. He’s just supposed to supervise the other lifeguard. His boss, Captain Thorpe (Monte Markham), is very insistent on that. Mitch explains that he doesn’t even like wearing socks. Ewwww. You have to wear socks, Mitch!

Eddie Kramer (Billy Warlock) is a rookie lifeguard. He finished at the top of his class but he’s also a tough kid from Philadelphia who grew up in the foster system. Shauni (Erika Eleniak) is another rookie lifeguard who freezes up when she has to provide CPR to a drowned girl. Her mentor, Jill (Shawn Weatherly), tells Shauni that it happens to every lifeguard. I bet it’s never happened to Mitch. Shauni seems to have a crush on Eddie and Eddie seems to be driven to prove himself. Eddie has guts because he wears a Philadelphia t-shirt in California.

Al Gibson (Richard Jaeckel) is the veteran lifeguard who is reaching retirement age and who dies at the end of the episode and gets a big lifeguard funeral on the beach.

Trevor (Peter Phelps) is the Australian lifeguard who calls everyone “mate.”

Finally, Craig Pomeroy (Parker Stevenson) is the attorney who prefers to spend his time in his lifeguard tower. Even when he should be at the office and working for his clients, Craig just hangs out at his tower. He saves the life of a disturbed teenager named Laurie (Madchen Amick). Laurie subsequently becomes obsessed with him. When the married Craig tells her to stay out of his lifeguard tower and stop taking off all of her clothes, she accuses Craig of assaulting her. Later, she tries to murder Craig’s wife (Gina Hecht). This all could have been avoided if Craig had just gone to his office like he was supposed to.

This pilot film for Baywatch has everything that the show would make famous — stiff line deliveries from the supporting cast, red swimsuits, David Hasselhoff’s earnestly goofy sincerity, slow motion, and plenty of musical montages. Amongst the guest cast, Madchen Amick stands out at the obsessive Laurie, showing an ability for handling melodrama that would be put to good use on Twin Peaks. Take a drink every time Mitch says, “Rescue can,” and see how long you can go before passing out. Unlike a lot of pilots that don’t really resemble the eventual show, Panic at Malibu Pier is unmistakably Baywatch.

And, watching it, you can see why the show eventually became a success. The beach scenery is nice. The men are athletic, the women are pretty, and the slow motion is cool the first time you see it. Of course, the most important thing about the pilot — and the show itself — is that it doesn’t require a good deal of attention. It’s one of those things where you can step away from the screen for a few minutes and then come back without having worry about having missed anything important.

Panic at Malibu Pier was a ratings hit. Baywatch followed. We’ll get into that next week.

Final Voyage (1999, directed by Jim Wynorski)

Posted on May 27, 2025 by Jedadiah Leland

Aaron (Dylan Walsh) has been hired to sever as a bodyguard for spoiled heiress Gloria (Erika Eleniak) while she takes a cruise. Things go wrong when Josef (Ice-T) and Max (Claudia Christian) hijack the cruise. They think that they’ll make a fortune by taking everyone hostage and searching the boat. Little do they know that the boat is very slowly sinking. (They would known except they killed the engineers when they first took over.) Aaron and Gloria have to defeat the terrorists before the boat sinks.

Imagine Die Hard or Under Siege made not with expensive special effects but instead with a healthy supply of stock footage and built not around proven action stars like Bruce Willis and Steven Seagal but instead around the charisma-free Dylan Walsh and you have a pretty good idea why Final Voyage is one of the more forgettable movies to be ripped off from either one of those two films. At least Dylan Walsh has the excuse of being miscast. Erika Eleniak actually was in Under Siege and still seems clueless as to what she’s supposed to be doing during Final Voyage. Ice-T is an amusing villain and the movie opens with a gunfight on an airplane that is so poorly choreographed and improbable that it becomes entertaining to watch. Otherwise, Final Voyage is a cruise best not taken.

This is a Jim Wynorski film so there’s plenty of gratuitous bra and cleavage shots for those who are specifically looking for that. Jim Wynorski definitely has a style and he manages to bring it to every film that he makes, even when it doesn’t really make sense for the story being told. Give Wynorski this, he understands why people are watching his movies.