Insomnia Files #71 and #72: Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (dir by Bruce Bilson) and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders II (dir by Michael O’Herlihy)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have gone over to YouTube and watched 1979’s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders!  And then, if you were still having trouble getting to sleep, you could have followed it up with 1980’s Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders II!  And then if you were somehow still not able to get any rest …. well, sorry.  There’s only two of them.  I guess you could watch that Making the Team show.  I don’t know.

Anyway, back to the movies!

The first Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders stars Jane Seymour as a serious journalist who at first scoffs at the idea of going undercover as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader.  But her ex-boyfriend and editor (Bert Convy) insists that she take the assignment.  Jane goes undercover and even makes the squad!  (It’s never mentioned whether she has any sort of dance or cheerleading experience so I find it a bit odd that she actually made it onto a professional cheerleading squad but whatever….)  Seymour gets to know the other members of the Squad, including the Love Boat’s Lauren Tewes.  She comes to realize that she doesn’t want to write up a tabloid story about the cheerleaders.  These are “good, down home girls,” she tells Convy.  Convy doesn’t care.  He wants scandal!

He’s not going to get it, though.  The main message of this film is that the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders are basically saints with pom poms.  Sure, one of them has a loser ex-boyfriend.  And another one of them struggles a bit with the routines.  It’s not an easy job but, in the end, everyone does their bit to support the team!

It’s all pretty silly but I’m from Dallas and I’m surrounded by Cowboy fans who have been complaining nonstop about the team for as long as I can remember so I enjoyed watching a movie that portrayed the Cowboys organization as being the greatest group of people on the planet.  (No drug or gun problems here!)  It’s very much a film of the 70s, made for television and straddling the line between being exploitive and being wholesome.  Yes, the costumes are skimpy but no one smokes, drinks, or curses.  The film features soapy drama, actual Dallas locations, 70s fashion, a great disco soundtrack, and dorky Bert Convy as a womanizer.  Plus, like me, Jane Seymour has mismatched eyes.  How can you not love this film!?

As for the sequel, it ditches almost everyone from the first film.  Only Laraine Stephens, as the squad’s no-nonsense coach, returns.  She’s got a whole new squad to deal with and only a limited amount of time to perfect the cheer that will win the Cowboys the Super….sorry, I mean to say the playoff game.  Whenever anyone in the film says, “playoff game,” their lips read “Super Bowl,” so I guess there was some last-minute tinkering after shooting was completed.  The squad also has to get ready to tour with the USO and to perform at a children’s hospital.  (Ray Wise appears as a doctor at the children’s hospital.)  The Cheerleaders are not only going to bring peace to the world but they’re also going to give those children the inspiration they need to get better.  Yay!

This one isn’t as much fun, largely because Laraine Stephens’s character isn’t that much fun.  The first film featured the very British Jane Seymour in Texas, somehow becoming a member of an all-American football team’s cheerleading squad and it was impossible not to enjoy the implausibility of it all.  The second film is just Laraine Stephens getting mad at people for not having the routine down to perfection.  No thanks, movie, I’m done with dealing with demanding choreographers.  There’s a reason why I turned down all of those offers to join the cheer squad in high school.  (For the record, my sister was the greatest cheerleader our high school ever had or ever will have!  Erin watched the first movie with me a few weeks ago.  She said it was okay but she didn’t think Jane Seymour was a convincing cheerleader.)

According to what I’ve read online, the first Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders film was a huge rating success.  The second film was less so, which I guess is why there was never a third.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost
  66. Ghosts Can’t Do It
  67. Heist
  68. Mind, Body & Soul
  69. Candy
  70. Shortcut to Happiness

Music Video of the Way: Will You Help Me Repair My Door by Afroman (2022, dir by Afroman)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 2022, sheriff’s deputies in Adams County, Ohio raided the home of rapper Afroman.  According to the warrant, they were doing so on suspicion of drug trafficking and kidnapping.  They found neither drugs nor kidnapping victims but they did find and seize over $5,000 worth of Afroman’s money.  The money was later returned, with $400 of it missing.  During the raid, they also damaged the front gate, blow up a door, and illegally turned off the house’s security cameras.

Afroman responded with three songs about the raid, all utilizing the footage that security cameras recorded before being shut down.  The deputies attempted to sue, claiming that the videos were an invasion of their privacy.  The judge eventually threw out their lawsuit though another lawsuit, claiming that the video and the songs “defamed” the deputies was allowed to proceed.

So, I guess you should enjoy the video for Will You Help Me Repair My Door? while you still can.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.16 “The Waiting Room”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, on Monsters, a dark room leads to trouble.

Episode 3.16 “The Waiting Room”

(Dir by Philip Alderton, originally aired on January 13th, 1991)

Newlyweds John (Christian Jules LeBlanc) and Catherine (Lisa Waltz) are invited to come stay at an isolated hotel by John’s father, Benjamin (John Saxon).  Benjamin explains that the hotel is where he spent his honeymoon.  He tells Catherine, “Your husband was conceived in this very room.”  Uhmm …. okay.  That’s not a creepy thing for a father-in-law to say or anything.

When John disappears, Benjamin tells Catherine the truth.  On his wedding night, Benjamin cheated on his wife with a mysterious woman (Denise Gentile) who was staying in a darkened room that appeared to be next door to Benjamin’s.  The woman turned out to be an otherworldly creature, one who lived between the real world and spirit world.  The woman trapped Benjamin in the room, only allowing him to go after he promised to give her a child.

Benjamin thought he had escaped the woman but, over the years, he discovered that she would show up whenever he walked into a dark room.  For that reason, he always has all of the lights on.  Now, John has been captured by the woman and it seems like she’ll only exchange him for Benjamin.  The problem is that Benjamin doesn’t want to go….

Now, this was a good episode of Monsters!  The story was interesting, the direction was atmospheric, the monsters were menacing, and the entire cast did a good job of bringing their characters to life.  John Saxon especially gave a good performance as the guilt-ridden Benjamin, alternating between moments of sublime creepiness, truly pathetic cowardice, and very real regret.  For once, the story felt neither rushed nor incomplete.  In 21-minutes, this episode told an effective story that stayed with the viewer, even after the macabre ending.

Anthology shows are, by their very nature, uneven but the third season of Monsters really did feature some excellent episodes.  This was definitely one of the best.

Brad’s “Scene of the Day” – Jill Clayburgh as Jill Ireland and Lance Henriksen as Charles Bronson 

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Jill Clayburgh would have been 81 years old today. She was quite an actress, receiving 2 Academy Award nominations during her career for her performances in the films AN UNMARRIED WOMAN (1978) and STARTING OVER (1979). She will always be special to me based on her performance as Jill Ireland in the 1991 Made-for-TV film REASON FOR LIVING: THE JILL IRELAND story. Clayburgh passed away in 2010 after a long struggle with leukemia.

Stallion Road (1947, directed by James V. Kern)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

Writer Stephen Purcell comes out to the country to visit an old school friend, veterinarian Larry Hanrahan (Ronald Reagan).  Larry is great at taking care of horses but a little clueless when it comes to women.  Both rancher Rory Teller (Alexis Smith) and Rory’s neighbor, Daisy Otis (Peggy Knudsen), have a thing for Larry but Larry is kept pretty busy taking care of all the horses in the community.  Stephen decides that he likes Rory but, deep down, he knows there’s no way he can compete with Larry.  When Larry gets busy tending to an anthrax outbreak, Rory finds herself tempted to give Stephen a shot.

When Stallion Road originally went into production, Humphrey Bogart was cast as Stephen and Lauren Bacall was cast as Rory.  Both of the stars refused to do the movie, feeling it was too lightweight.  Audiences were cheated out of a chance to see Reagan and Bogart, who were friends despite their differing styles of acting, co-starring opposite each other.  (They were both in Dark Victory but they didn’t share any scenes.)  Speaking of Bogart and Reagan, it’s a Hollywood legend that Reagan was originally offered the role of Rick in Casablanca though I’ve also read that Reagan was actually offered the role of Victor Laszlo.

Bogart and Bacall were right.  Stallion Road is the epitome of lightweight entertainment, with Reagan giving a pleasant but bland performance as Larry and the film never really allowing any doubt as to who Rory belongs with.  It’s the type of movie that would be a Hallmark film today so if you’re actually looking for a realistic drama about ranching and taking care of horses, it’s best to look elsewhere.  This film does show why Reagan was such a successful politician.  Even though his character isn’t exactly exciting, he’s innately likable and, from the minute he first appears, he’s dependable.  He’s someone who any rancher would trust to take care of their horses.

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.26 “Pal-I-Mony-O-Mine/Does Father Know Best?/An ‘A’ for Gopher”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Ted Lange presents three stories of cruise ship love.

Episode 5.26 “Pal-I-Mony-O-Mine/Does Father Know Best?/An ‘A’ for Gopher”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on April 10th, 1982)

Dr. John Hanson (Ben Vereen) boards the ship with his new girlfriend, attorney Jenny Brooks (Denise Nicholas).  John is shocked to discover that his former girlfriend, Ellen (Lynne Moody), is also on the cruise.  Jenny befriends Ellen and, after listening to all the details of how Jenny supported John while he was going through medical school, she suggests that Ellen should sue John for palimony.  Jenny even offers to help Ellen and John figure out how much John owes her.  John agrees.  As he and Ellen itemize their former relationship, they come to realize that they’re still in love.  Sorry, Jenny!  Jenny leaves the boat alone.  John and Ellen leave the boat engaged.  (Jenny does give them a bill for her legal services.  John and Ellen have a good laugh.)

WOW!  That’s not the type of story that you regularly see on The Love Boat.  It’s rare for a passenger to leave as angry as Jenny did.  What’s surprising is that neither Ellen nor John seemed to feel that bad about Jenny getting her heart broken.  Then again, what was Jenny thinking when she invited Ellen back into their lives to begin with?  This is why you’re never friendly with your significant other’s exes.  I don’t care how nice they seem or act.  They’re all potential enemies!  I don’t care how polite they are when they approach you outside the Dallas Museum of Art and start speaking in their fakeass British accent, don’t trust them …. well, anyway, let’s move on.

Gopher is super-excited when his junior high English teacher, Susan Wilkham (Susan Strasberg), boards the ship.  Gopher explains that he’s always had a crush on her and, now that Gopher is an adult, Susan appears to also now have a crush on him.  (Don’t freak out, she doesn’t even realize he was a former student until he specifically mentions that he was in her class.)  Except …. oh no!  Captain Stubing has a crush on her as well!  Well, don’t worry.  Things work out for Gopher.  While Vicki does not get a stepmother, Gopher gets a girlfriend who we will probably never hear about again.  Fred Grandy and Susan Strasberg made for a surprisingly cute couple.  (It helped that they both appeared to be the same age, despite the show’s effort to cast her as being “the older woman.”)  Good for Gopher, it’s about time something good happened to him.

Finally, a father (Lloyd Bochner) encourages his nerdy son (Kevin Brophy) to hit on a beautiful but snobbish blonde (Kristina Wayborn).  The son prefers the blonde’s shy best friend (Patty Freedman).  On every episode of The Love Boat, there’s one story that doesn’t amount too much and that what this story was.

Hey, this episode was directed by Isaac Washington himself, Mr. Ted Lange!  Obviously, The Love Boat isn’t really a show that demands or even allows an auteurist approach but I will say that this was one of the better acted episodes that I’ve seen.  Vereen and Moody, Grandy and Strasberg, they all had plenty of chemistry.  This was a truly pleasant cruise, despite Jenny’s anger.

 

 

Scenes I Love: Burt Young Takes Out A Pinball Machine in Rocky III

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today would have been the 85th birthday of the great character actor Burt Young.

Burt Young appeared in a lot of classic films.  He had a streetwise authenticity about him and he was one of those guys who looked a bit older than his years.  (He was only 36 when he appeared in Rocky.)  Young played cops and gangsters and New York characters of all stripes.  That said, to most people, he’ll always be Paulie, the brother-in-law of Rocky Balboa.  Young did such a good job playing Paulie that this character became beloved, despite being a racist misogynist who managed to screw up Rocky’s life in nearly every Rocky film in which he appeared.

(In real life, Burt Young was a painter and a poet, showing that one should never judge a book by its cover.  Unless it’s one of those really badass covers that my sisters likes to share.)  

Today’s scene that I love is a classic Paulie scene.  Rocky may be the world’s most popular boxer but Paulie’s getting a little tired of him.  A pinball machine is about to pay the price.  From Rocky III, here is a scene that I love.

 

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Lars Von Trier Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy 69nth birthday to cinematic provocateur, Lars Von Trier!

It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Lars Von Trier Films

Europa (1991, directed by Lars Von Trier, DP: Henning Bendtsen,
Edward Kłosiński, Jean-Paul Meurisse.  Released as Zentropa in North America)

Breaking the Waves (1996, dir by Lars Von Trier, DP: Robby Muller)

Dogville (2002, dir by Lars Von Trier, DP: Anthony Dod Mantle)

Melancholia (2011, dir by Lars Von Trier, DP: Manuel Alberto Claro)