Category Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.3 “The Rig”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Mitch and Ryan head out to an abandoned ocean oil rig.  Do they find love or do they find a glowing green slime monster?  Read on to find out!

Episode 2.3 “The Rig”

(Dir by Jon Cassar, originally aired on October 13th, 1996)

Donna is super-excited because she’s saved her first person as a lifeguard.  (Apparently, the nightclub is no longer a thing and Donna is no longer a cynical and tough-minded businesswoman.)  She tracks down Griff and she tells him about it.  Griff is impressed.  Donna wants to tell Mitch but he’s not on the beach!

Instead, Mitch and Ryan are investigating a deserted oil rig.  A few weeks ago, the crew of the oil rig died under mysterious circumstances.  The official story is that they fell victim to cabin fever or maybe a mass delusion.  But Diamont thinks that maybe something paranormal has happened and he has asked Mitch and Ryan to check it out.  Despite the fact that this is the third “paranormal” mystery that Mitch has investigated in as many episodes, he remains a skeptic.  Ryan, however, thinks that it is possible that the rig was attacked by some sort of prehistoric one-celled organism.

And it turns out that Ryan is right!  Ryan and Mitch find themselves being threatened by a green gelatinous goo that eats away at everything from metal to skin.  Joining Ryan and Mitch is Claire (Jennifer Campbell), whose boat was earlier attacked by the goo.  Claire does very little in this episode and there’s really no point to her being there, beyond the fact that the show’s producers needed someone to wear a bikini and to scream.

Featuring an absolutely ludicrous monster and a finale that involves a self-destruct mechanism slowly counting down, The Rig is actually a lot of fun.  It’s totally ludicrous and silly and everything that an episode of something like Baywatch Nights should be.  Mitch and Ryan make for an entertaining team.  Angie Harmon’s naturally sarcastic delivery contrasts nicely with David Hasselhoff’s most earnest style.  The Rig is at its best when it just follows Mitch and Ryan as they flirtatiously argue about the paranormal while walking around the abandoned rig.

And fear not!  Mitch survives his meeting with goo, jumping off the rig at the same moment that it explodes.  We get a little bit of slow motion, followed by a short of an obvious dummy crashing into the water.  When Hasselhoff jumps off the rig, the night sky is pitch black.  When he emerges from the ocean, the sun is shining.  That’s type of easily avoidable continuity error that makes Baywatch Nights so much fun!

This was a fun episode.  Next week, Mitch gets involved with a UFO!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, season 4 comes to an end.

Episode 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 23rd, 1981)

This week, Tattoo is stunned to see Manuel (A Martinez) and Consuelo Lopez (Linda Cristal) get off the plane with their young son, Paquito (Anthony Trujillo).  Tattoo immediately guesses that Mr. Roarke must have given them a special deal so they could come to the Island and he snaps that Roarke is too nice.

Roarke, never one to worry about being nice when it come to Tattoo, replies that young Paquito nearly died earlier in the year and now, Manuel and Consuelo are on the verge of losing their frame.  Manual and Consuelo wanted to give Paquito a wonderful birthday party before they end up homeless.  Take that, Tattoo!

Manuel’s wealthy relative, Dona Delores (Victoria Racimo), is also on the Island and Paqutio soon starts hanging out with her, despite Manuel resenting her for having money.  Delores, who cannot have children of her own, has an idea.  Maybe she could adopt Paquito and give him the life that Manuel and Consuelo never could.  In return, she could help Manuel’s out with his money problems.

Don’t worry!  Manuel and Conseulo don’t lose Paquito and they even get to stay on Fantasy Island.  And it also turns out that Delores isn’t so bad after all.  This is Fantasy Island and nothing bad has happened on Fantasy Island since that hunter died at the end of his fantasy.  The ending is happy and the fantasy is ultimately pleasant and kind of forgettable.  In the end, what I’ll always remember is that the voice of young Paquito was obviously dubbed by an adult woman trying to sound like a child.  That was kind of weird.

Of course, it wasn’t as weird as the other fantasy.

Nancy Harvester (Randi Oakes) has spent the past few years of your life taking care of her terminally ill uncle.  After her uncle passed, he left her a fantasy in his will.  He wants Nancy to enjoy life and finally get a boyfriend.  When Roarke informs Nancy why her uncle wanted his will to be read on Fantasy Island, Nancy replies that she’s never even been with a man and there’s no way she can make her uncle’s last fantasy come true.  (Her uncle’s last fantasy was for his niece to lose her virginity?  That is definitely kind of creepy….)  Fortunately, Nancy’s childhood crush, Gene (Jim Stafford), is on the Island and Roarke summons a special friend to give Nancy advise.

Meet Helen of Troy (played by Jill St. John)!

Yes, the same Helen of Troy who inspired one of the bloodiest and most tragic wars in ancient history is the person that Mr. Roarke recruits to give advise to Nancy.  I mean, was the mermaid busy?  What about Aphrodite?  Remember how Aphrodite lives on Fantasy Island?  Couldn’t Mr. Roarke have asked them to help out?

Interestingly enough, the dialogue between Helen and Roarke indicate that they are lifelong friends, which would indicate that Mr. Roarke is several thousand years old.  Helen also makes a few comments that suggest that she and Roarke were once quite close.  Was Mr. Roarke involved in the war with Sparta?  I wonder which side he was on.

But what about Nancy?  Does Helen help out Nancy?  Yes, of course she does.  This is Fantasy Island so, of course, Nancy and Gene depart on the same plane.

All fantasies come true on Fantasy Island, which is one reason why the original show continues to be so loved. I would argue that the reason why the recent Fantasy Island reboot failed was because it complicated things by attempting to explore the lives of the people who lived and worked on the Island, as opposed to just focusing on fantasies with happy endings.  For all the time that I’ve spent speculating about what the Island actually is and how it works, it ultimately doesn’t matter.  No one cares how Fantasy Island works.  All that matters is that it does.

So ends season 4 of Fantasy Island.  It was a bit of an uneven season.  The obvious hostility between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize made more than a few scenes a bit awkward to watch.  I miss the playfulness that defined their interactions during the earlier seasons.  But still, the Island is lovely and it’s fun to imagine what it would be like to really go there.

Next week, Roarke and Tattoo are joined by a new helper as the fifth season begins!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.3 “Family Crisis”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, a Partridge leads a Brady into a life of crime!

Episode 2.3 “Family Crisis”

(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on September 30th, 1978)

Tired of being confined to a police car, Officer Sindy Cahill (Brianne Leary) cannot wait to graduate from motor school so that she can become the Highway Patrol’s first female bike cop.  She’s so eager for the job that, when she’s off-duty, she rides around Los Angeles on a motor scooter and occasionally even makes an arrest.  Most of the other motorcycle cops are skeptical about Sindy …. because she’s a woman.  But Ponch is supportive of Sindy’s ambition …. because she’s a woman who he likes to look at.  Ponch spends the majority of this episode standing behind Sindy and leering.

A fancy black Trans Am has been stolen from a movie set and it is being used in a series of robberies.  The thieves have made no effort to disguise the car.  They didn’t even bother to paint over the very noticeable green racing stripe that, in theory, would make impossible for them to drive around without being spotted.  However, it doesn’t matter because the car is so fast and it can do so many fun movie tricks (like covering the street in smoke and oil) that no one can stop it.  Sindy has come up with a plan to catch the thieves but Getraer doesn’t want to hear it and we all know why.  In fact, when Sindy crashes her car while chasing the thieves, Getraer tells her that she needs to get checked out by the doctors before she goes back on duty.  “If I was a man, you’d let me right back out on the street!” Sindy snaps.  Sindy knows that Getraer is treating her differently …. because she’s a woman!

Fortunately, Getraer’s boss somehow finds a copy of Sindy’s plan and he decides that it’s brilliant.  With both the LAPD and the Highway Patrol working together, they manage to ambush and corner the Trans Am on the Los Angeles docks.  The two thieves push the wrong button in the car and they end up getting ejected from their seats and landing in the ocean.  Baker and Ponch share a laugh while the two men probably drown.

The two nameless thieves are not the only ones stealing cars.  Fred (Danny Bonaduce), a high school senior, is also stealing cars and — oh no! — he’s convinced his friend Wes (Christopher Knight) to go joyriding with him.  What Fred didn’t count on was Wes being the nephew of Officer Jon Baker.  Baker isn’t going to let anyone corrupt his nephew.  When Ponch and Baker eventually catch Fred and Wes and their girlfriends in a stolen car, they put the handcuffs on everyone, even though only Fred is going to be charged with a felony.  Baker tells Wes that he put the handcuffs on him to show him where his life is heading.  Wes thanks his Uncle Jon and hopefully, he’s learned an important lesson about why the Bradys didn’t hang out with the Partridges.

Finally, Ponch has finally moved out of his RV and into a swinging new apartment!  He’s got a view of the pool, so he’s happy.  Good for him.

This episode …. actually, this episode wasn’t that bad.  I liked Sindy because, if i was waiting to find out if I was going to be a motorcycle cop, I would probably ride around on a motor scooter too.  And having Danny Bonaduce leading Christopher Knight astray appealed to me as a student of pop culture.  There were some nice chase scenes.  The Trans Am was cool.  The California scenery was lovely.  It was a fun episode.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 2.13 “Definitely Miami”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

Things get weird this week.

Episode 2.13 “Definitely Miami”

(Dir by Rob Cohen, originally aired on January 10th, 1986)

This week’s episode of Miami Vice is all about heat.

Seriously, it literally starts with a shot of a solar flares erupting off the surface of the sun.  The camera then pulls away, letting us see what the sun looks like a cloudless blue sky.  Finally, we find ourselves in Miami, where the sky is clear and a heat wave is raging.  The camera focuses on the beads of sweat forming on skin.  Every pastel shirt is stained with sweat and everyone is wearing sunglasses.  When a drug dealer drives out to a quarry to meet connection, the heat seems to radiate out of the screen.  When he’s shot and killed by Charlie Basset (Ted Nugent — yes, the musician and gun enthusiast), the dust that rises up looks like smoke rising from a burning planet.

Sonny and Rico are working undercover as Burnett and Cooper, hanging out at a hotel pool and complaining about the heat.  Their target is Sergio Clemente (Roger Pretto) but Sonny is actually more interested in Callie (Arielle Dombasle), a beautiful blonde who he spots laying by the pool.  Callie sees Sonny watching her and brings him a drink.  Sonny introduces himself as Sonny Burnett.

Clemente is willing to turn himself in but only if he can see his sister, Maria (Kamala Lopez), and know that she’s still alive.  Maria testified against her brother at a trial and is currently in the witness protecting program.  Joe Dalva (Albert Hall), an arrogant Department of Justice official, is willing to bring Maria to Clemente, despite the fact that Maria indicates that Clemente used to sexually abuse her.  Castillo thinks that it’s a terrible idea and tries to use a decoy.  In the end, the government orders Castillo to do what Dalva wants.  Castillo stands in a corner and stares down at the ground, which viewers of the show know is something Castillo does whenever he knows just how badly things are going to turn out.  When the meeting finally happens, Tubbs, Castillo, and Davla can only watch as Maria pulls a knife and stabs her brother to death.

Sonny is not there to see Clemente die.  Callie has told him that her husband is physically abusive and she wants Sonny — as Burnett — to meet him in a quarry, make a drug deal with him, and then kill him.  Sonny suspects that he’s being set up and he’s right.  Callie’s husband is Charlie and he only hits her when she tells him to.  Callie seduces drug dealers and then Charlie kills them.  Sonny, however, is smart enough to bring Zito with him to the quarry.  During a shoot out, Charlie ends up dead.  While the police dig up the quarry and find body after body, Sonny goes to the beach so that he can arrest Callie.  When Sonny approaches Callie, she’s making a sand castle that looks exactly like the quarry.  At first, Callie thinks that Sonny is Charlie but then she forces herself to smile when she sees that Charlie is dead.  She assumes Sonny will be her new partner.  Instead, Sonny calls in a police helicopter and Callie is taken into custody by two cops.  Callie flirts with one of the cops while she’s being led to the helicopter.

And the sun continues to burn in the sky….

This was an odd episode, one that put far more emphasis on vivid and sometimes surreal imagery than it did on telling a coherent story.  That’s not a complaint, of course.  This episode had a dream-like intensity to it that I really appreciated.  It was weird but entertaining, with the grinning Ted Nugent popping up like a gleefully evil goblin.  Sonny is targeted because Callie thinks that he’s a drug dealer when he’s actually a cop.  The idea of Sonny being able to maintain his undercover identity despite having personally arrested or killed a countless number of Miami drug dealers has always been one of the stranger elements of Miami Vice.  This episode, though, it makes a strange sense that Sonny could be mistaken for a drug dealer despite always acting like a cop.  That’s definitely Miami.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi Junior High 3.3 “A Big Girl Now”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Lucy learns that she has the worst friends in the world.

Episode 3.3 “A Big Girl Now”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on December 5th, 1988)

Lucy is totally in love with Paul, her older boyfriend from the high school.  At first, all of her friends are excited for her but then Lucy stops spending time with them and they start to get jealous.  When Lucy misses L.D.’s big soccer game because she already has plans with Paul, Lucy promises to make it up to L.D. and everyone else by letting them have a party at her house.

But then Paul and his high school friends discover that Lucy’s parents are out of town and they decide that they should throw a party of their own.  And when they announce that they don’t want any “niners” other than Lucy at the party, Lucy agrees to lie to her friends.  She tells them that the party’s been cancelled because of a family crisis.

Needless to say, both L.D. and the Farrell twins discover that Lucy lied to them.  (It doesn’t help that Paul and his friends chant, “Party!  Party!” when they pull up in front of Degrassi.)  Lucy loses their friendship and, because she doesn’t want to have sex and risk getting pregnant like Spike did, Lucy also loses her boyfriend.  What she does get is a “reputation” because everyone assumes she had sex with Paul even though she didn’t.

Poor Lucy!  Listen, Lucy should not have lied about the party.  And Paul really was a jerk.  But her friends need to cut Lucy some slack.  Lucy’s parents are never home, she’s still dealing with the trauma of being groomed by that creepy substitute last season, and she’s not even allowed to shoplift anymore.  So, Lucy made some mistakes.  Everyone makes mistakes!

Why can’t Lucy’s friends be as forgiving as Wheels?  During this episode, Snake finally approaches Wheels and apologizes for not talking to him since the funeral for Wheels’s parents.  Snake admits that he didn’t know what to say and Wheels admits that he’s struggling with depression.  Wheels explains that he no longer wants to go to school and he certainly doesn’t want to be a part of the Zit Remedy.  Still, Wheels is clearly touched by Snake’s apology.  Both Neil Hope and Stefan Brogren did a good job of portraying the combination of awkwardness and sincerity that lies at the heart of their friendship.

.Finally, the results of the student election are announced.  To the surprise of no one, Nancy Kramer defeats Kathleen for student council president.  Kathleen becomes Vice President.  Melanie begs Kathleen to nominate her for the dance committee.  Kathleen, however, tells Nancy that only niners (and Melanie is not a niner) should be allowed to serve on a committee.  Melanie overhears and proceeds to pour a carton of milk in Kathleen’s hair.  Poor Kathleen!  Seriously, ladies, be more like Snake and Wheels and support each other!

This episode felt like it was setting up a lot of future storylines.  Will Lucy get her friends back?  Will Wheels ever regain his love of life?  Will Kathleen be able to get all the milk out of her hair?  We’ll find out next week!

Retro Television Review: Playmates (dir by Theodore J. Flicker)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1972’s Playmates!  It  can be viewed on YouTube.

Playmates tells the story of two divorces.

Marshall Barnett (Alan Alda) is an attorney.  He went to Yale and Harvard.  He has a successful career.  He has rich and educated friends.  He has a nice bachelor pad.  He also pays hundreds of dollars in alimony.  He and Lois (Barbara Feldon) got divorced 3 years ago and Marshall is still bitter.  He’s bitter that he has to pay her so much money.  He’s bitter that he only gets to see his son on the weekends.  He’s bitter that he can’t seem to start a new, meaningful relationship with anyone.  He’s bitter that his wife still asks him to critique her modernist paintings.

Kermit Holvey (Doug McClure) is a blue collar welder.  He has only been divorced for a few months and his relationship with ex-wife Patti (Connie Stevens) is nowhere near as contentious as Marshall’s relationship with Lois.  Still, Kermit is struggling to adjust to being single and to only seeing his son on the weekends.

Marshall and Kermit meet one weekend while they are both taking their sons to the Kiddieland Amusement Park.  Marshall is so overjoyed to meet someone else who is dealing with divorce that he comes on a bit strong in trying to get to know Kermit.  Kermit, however, does eventually get over his initial weariness and soon, he and Marshall are best friends.  It doesn’t matter that Marshall has a tendency to be a little bit condescending and that Kermit often can’t follow what Marshall is talking about.  They spend most of their time talking about their ex-wives.

But then Kermit meets Lois and he discovers that her paintings really aren’t as bad as Marshall made them out to be.  And Marshall meets Patti and he discovers that she’s not as dumb as Kermit made her out to be.  Soon, Kermit is secretly dating Lois and Marshall is secretly dating Patti and anyone who has ever watched a comedy before knows that there is a big mess waiting in the future.

Playmates was one of those films that pretended to be a lot naughtier than it actually was.  For all the winking and the occasional sly smiles, all that happens is that Kermit and Marshall both end up going out with women with whom they really don’t have much in common.  And while it’s tempting to read a lot into how quickly Kermit and Marshall become friends and how they both end up dating the other’s female equivalent, I think that might be giving this film too much credit.  (If it were made today, things might be different.)  In the end, the film really has more to say about class than it does marriage, as both Marshall and Lois obviously view spending time with Kermit and Patti as being a way of slumming and building up some working class bona fides without actually having to be working class.  Patti, to her credit, calls Marshall out on this.  Marshall admits that she has a point but he still come across as if he’s talking down to her, largely because he’s played by Alan Alda, an actor who is a master at being somehow both likable and condescending at the same time.

Playmates is a well-acted film and there are some funny lines.  The four main characters are all ultimately likable, even if they all have their moments where you can tell why they would be difficult to live with.  It deserves some credit for following its story through to its natural conclusion, with one couple realizing that they still love each other while the other realize that they are better off divorced.  The film may not be as radical as it pretends to be but it still doesn’t cop out on the ending.  In the end, Playmates is probably best watched as a time capsule.  It’s here if you ever want to experience 1972 firsthand.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Gabe finally realizes that there’s more to life than teaching!

Episode 3.20 “There’s No Business: Part One”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on January 26th, 1978)

After Vinnie attempts and fails to be a hit at the Comedy Connection’s open mic night, the Sweathogs decide that Gabe should give it a shot.  According to the Sweathogs, the audience at the Comedy Connection loves it when people get on stage and tell really old jokes.  Gabe admits that he’s thought about doing stand-up before.  He decides to give it a shot.

And you know who is really happy about that?  Mr. Woodman.  Mr.  Woodman can’t wait to heckle Gabe.  Woodman explains that he’s a master heckler.  He’s been heckling people his entire life.  “Ever hear of Shecky Rubinstein?” Woodman asks.  No, Gabe replies.  That’s because Woodman heckled him until he quit show business.

The first night that Gabe performs, Woodman gets many opportunities to heckle.  While Woodman, the Sweathogs, and Julie sit in the audience, Gabe struggles through a routine about his aunts and uncles.  The audience is not amused.  Woodman laughs but only at the fact that no one likes Gabe.  As dispirited Gabe retreats to his dressing room, where he tells Julie that he’s going to give up on comedy.

That’s when agent Peter Charnoff (Sam Weisman) enters the room and tells Gabe that he’s funny.  It doesn’t matter that Gabe bombed because “there’s some crazy old man out there heckling anyone.”  Peter tells Gabe that he should talk about his students in his act.

The Sweathogs are surprisingly cool with the idea of Gabe making fun of them.  The next week, Gabe again takes the stage and the audience loves his jokes, especially the ones about how Freddie always says “Hi there,” and Epstein forges his own notes.  Gabe is a hit!  And, with Peter’s encouragement, he announces that he’s stepping away from teaching so that he can be a stand-up comedian.  The Sweathogs and Julie are stunned!

And run the end credits!

Hey, Gabe quit and apparently, he’s abandoning his wife and children.  I guess the show’s over now.  Thanks for reading, everyone!  I wasn’t expecting things to end this abruptly but overall, I enjoyed….

Oh wait.  This is a two-parter and this is just the end of part one.  So, maybe the series isn’t over.  We’ll find out next week, I guess!

As for this episode, it made sense that Gabe would eventually become a stand-up comedian.  I’m a bit surprised it took him this long.  I’m not really sure that audiences would actually go crazy over the rather anodyne jokes that Gabe told about his students but whatever.  It’s television.  (In Gabe Kaplan’s actual stand-up act, Arnold Horshack was named Arnold Horseshit.  Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen on network television in 1978.)  The highlight, as usual, was Woodman’s unhinged delight in being a jerk.  Mr. Woodman is a true treasure.

We’ll see how Gabe’s new career progresses next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Micki, Ryan, and Jack get involved in voodoo!

Episode 2.2 “The Voodoo Mambo”

(Dir by Timothy Bond, originally aired on October 7th, 1988)

This episode opens with Micki and Ryan watching a street party that just happens to be taking place in front of Curious Goods.  It’s a Haitian voodoo party and, judging from Micki and Ryan’s comments, it is apparently some sort of annual event that takes place wherever this show is supposed to be set.

(If Curious Goods was set in New Orleans, I could maybe buy this without giving it too much thought.  But the show is filmed in Canada and, judging from the states that were specifically mentioned over the course of the first few episode, it appears that Curious Goods is meant to be located in the Northeast.  How many voodoo street parties do you see in New Jersey?)

Micki and Ryan want to join the party but Jack insists that they first meet his old friend, Hedley (Joe Seneca).  Hedely is a powerful voodoo priest and he has traveled to the city so that his daughter, Stacy (Rachael Crawford, who was on the first season of T & T until her character vanished), can become a priestess.  Ryan is obviously attracted to Stacy but the attraction goes nowhere, which I guess is good considering that every woman who likes Ryan ends up dying in some terrible way.

Meanwhile, good-for-nothing Carl Walters (David Matheson) is in danger of losing the mansion that has been in his family’s possession ever since their days as plantation overlords.  Carl finds a voodoo mask in the basement.  Whenever he puts the mask on, the spirit of a voodoo priestess named Laotia (Suzanna Coy) rips out someone’s throat.  Laotia wants to rip out the throats of the city’s top voodoo priests so that she can gain their powers.  Carl agrees to help because part of the deal is that Carl will get what he wants as well.  I’m not sure what Carl wants, though.  Money, I guess.  But it doesn’t matter because, of course, Laotia is really only concerned with what she wants.

This episode had some atmospheric moments, especially in the scenes featuring the big party outside of Curious Goods.  There’s also some black-and-white footage of actual voodoo ceremonies that is randomly inserted throughout the episode.  I assume that black-and-white footage is meant to be a flashback or something like that, though the show never really makes it all that clear.  That said, this episode was a bit on the dull side.  Carl and Laotia were not particularly interesting and this is the second episode this season to feature an old friend of Jack’s.  (That wouldn’t be a problem, except for the fact that we’re only two episodes in.)  This episode felt a bit tired, as if someone entered the production office and shouted, “I need an episode about Voodoo!  You’ve got 48 hours!”

Next week, hopefully, thing will be a bit more interesting.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

In this episode, Terri finally get to show what she can do in court.

Episode 3.7 “A Lesson In Values”

(Dir by Clay Borris, originally aired on February 17th, 1990)

While working late at the courthouse, Terri stumbles across a homeless man named Nesmith.  Nesmith explains that he’s not a drug addict or a drunk or a criminal or anyone dangerous.  He’s just a man who lives on the streets and travels the country, jotting down his thoughts in notebooks.  Terri is charmed by Nesmith and offers to find him room at a nearby hostel.  Nesmith accepts the offer but then drops dead of a heart attack.

Terri takes it upon herself to serve as executor of his estate.  In his will, Nesmith asks that all of his money — several thousand dollars — be left to his friend and traveling companion, Junior Grayson.  Turner tracks down Grayson, which is about all T.S. Turner does in this episode.  Instead, the entire episode revolves around Terri trying to prove that Nesmith’s will is legitimate.  Nesmith’s wife (Fran Gebhard) and her sleazy attorney (John Stocker) want the money for themselves, despite the fact that Nesmith left home 12 years previously and had little contact with her afterwards.

It took seven episodes but Terri finally gets to be at the center of an episode.  Unfortunately, it’s a pretty predictable episode and it’s also one that presents the homeless as being not people in need of support but instead as whimsical truth-tellers who enjoy living on the streets.  As played by Kristina Nicoll, Terri is not a particularly credible attorney.  I mean, Amy was definitely an underused character but you never doubted that she knew what she was doing in court.  Terri, on the other hand, seems to think that suggesting that the judge will be a big meany head if she doesn’t find for Grayson is an effective argument.

In the end, Grayson does get the money but, because Nesmith’s owed a bunch of back taxes (Come on, Canada, the mans dead!), Grayson will only be getting a few dollars.  That’s okay, though.  Grayson knows that there’s more to life than money.  Grayson gives Terri all of Nesmith’s notebooks and the episode ends with Terri starting to read them while Turner and Decker box in the background.  (Seriously, Turner does next to nothing in this episode and, from what we do see of him, he just seems to be annoyed in general.)  Personally, I was hoping that the episode would end with Terri announcing that she was going to get the notebooks published so that everyone could know who Nesmith was.

Another strange thing about this episode is that the actors playing Nesmith and Grayson were not credited.  I sat through this show a handful of times, looking for their names but they were never listed.  (And they’re not listed at the imdb either.)  The actor playing Grayson gave a heartfelt performance and was this episode’s redeeming factor.  I wish I could credit him.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark head to Broadway!

Episode 2.8 “The Smile In The Third Row”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on November 20th, 1985)

Fred Fusco (Lorne Greene) is a veteran actor who is appearing in a Broadway play.  In the play, Fred plays a man who learns that he’s about to die.  During the third act, Fred’s character actually does die and Fred ends the play with a monologue about owning the choices he made in his life before he ascends into Heaven (via a harness).

It’s a depressing play and the theater is usually half-empty whenever Fred performs.  But one night, Fred claims that he spotted God sitting in the third row.  Fred also says that God really enjoyed the show.  When the news get out, the play becomes a huge success as audiences turn out to see a play endorsed by God.  Fred becomes a huge celebrity and befriends a terminally ill boy who promises to say hi to God when he goes to Heaven.  However, when Fred starts to talk about leaving his fortune to charity, both his sister (Mary Ann Gibson) and his nephew (David L. Lander) conspire to have him committed.

Fred also happens to be Jonathan and Mark’s later assignment.  Mark gets a job at the theater while Jonathan puts on a collar and becomes Father Jonathan.  While Mark is convinced that Fred is actually seeing God, Jonathan is skeptical because Jonathan doesn’t see God in the theater.  Why, Jonathan asks, would God reveal himself to an actor but not an angel?  There’s an interesting subtext here, as it quickly becomes obvious that Jonathan isn’t so much skeptical as he’s jealous.  He even rather recklessly reveals to Fred that he’s an angel in his quest to convince Fred that he hasn’t actually seen God.  Fred reveals that he’s willing to accept Jonathan’s word that he’s an angel but then asks why Jonathan is not willing to accept his word that he sees God in the theater.

Is God in the theater?  At the end of the episode, Fred’s harness is broken but, at the end of the third act, he still ascends above the theater and then vanishes.  The newspapers call it a hoax but the show suggests that, much like Elijah, he’s been assumed straight to Heaven.  Is Fred meant to be a modern day Elijah?  Would that therefore make his sister a modern-day Jezebel?  Perhaps but, fortunately for her, she is never eaten by wild dogs.

As usual, there wasn’t much subtlety to be found in this episode of Highway to Heaven but it still worked surprisingly well.  When Fred met the dying child, my first instinct was to roll my eyes at the obviousness of it all but those same eyes had tears in them by the time the scene was over.  The episode benefitted greatly from Lorne Greene’s strong performance as Fred Fusco and Michael Landon’s strong portrayal of Jonathan’s mixed feelings about Fred’s claims.  All in all, this was a strong episode.