Insomnia File #11: Summer Catch (dir by Mike Tollin)

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Whenever I look at my cable guide, I always notice that channel 834 is listed as being “MorMax.” For some reason, I always assume that MorMax stands for Morman Max and I’m always expecting that it’s going to show movies about Joseph Smith and Brigham Young. But actually, MorMax stands for More Cinemax.

Anyway, last night, if you were having a hard time sleeping around midnight (though why anyone would ever try to go to sleep before midnight is beyond me), you could have turned on MorMax and watched the 2001 romantic comedy Summer Catch!

Though it may be hard to believe today, there was a time when Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a pretty big deal. From 1997 to 2001, Prinze appeared in 179 movies. Well, actually, he only appeared in 10 but since they were all aimed at teenage girls and played on cable constantly, it felt like 179. (Seriously, there was a time when I could not get through an entire day without seeing at least a few minutes of She’s All That.) For the most part, all of these films were pretty much the same. Freddie Prinze, Jr. plays a kind of dumb guy who falls in love with a girl. Prinze’s character was usually from a working class family and had at least one wacky friend. The girl was usually from a rich family and had one bitchy friend who would be an ex-friend by the end of the movie. There was usually at least one scene set on the beach or at a swimming pool, the better for Freddie to remove his shirt and his costar to chastely strip down to her underwear. There was usually a falling in love montage and at least one big misunderstanding. Freddie would always flash the same goofy smile whenever the misunderstanding was cleared up. Even at the time that the films were being released, nobody was ever under the impression that Freddie Prinze, Jr. was a particularly good actor. But he was likable, unthreatening, and hot in an oddly bland sort of way.

(Speaking of oddly bland, check out the titles of some of Prinze’s films: She’s All That, Down To You, Boys and Girls, Head over Heels, and, of course, Summer Catch.)

Summer Catch opens with Ryan Dunne (Freddie!) explaining that he’s just a working class kid from Massachusetts but this summer, he’s going to be playing amateur baseball in Cap Cod and hopefully, he’ll get signed to a professional contract as result. (Freddie adopts an inconsistent “pahk ya cah by the bah” accent and its kind of endearing to see him trying so hard.) Ryan, of course, is just a local guy who mows lawns for a living but he’s determined to succeed. He just has to stay focused.

However, that’s going to be difficult because he’s just met Tenley Parrish (Jessica Biel). The Parrishes own a vacation home on Cape Cod and they are so rich that they can afford to name their oldest daughter Tenley. Soon, Tenley and Ryan are a couple but Tenley’s father wants Tenley to marry a rich boy and Ryan’s father is too busy being all surly and working class to appreciate Ryan’s dreams.

(Tenley’s father, incidentally, is played by Bruce Davison because all snobbish WASPs of a certain age are played by Bruce Davison. Ryan’s father is played by Fred Ward because Summer Catch was made in 2001.)

Because every Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie needs a hyperactive and wacky sidekick, Ryan’s best friend on the team is a catcher named Billy Brubaker (Matthew Lillard.) Billy is known as “Bru.” There’s a lot of scenes of people saying stuff like “Yo, Bru,” and “Come on, Bru!” After a while, I found myself hoping for a scene where Bru went crazy and started shouting, “My name is Billy, dammit! BILLY! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!” Instead, however, we get a subplot about how Billy can’t get any hits until he has sex with and wears the thong underwear of a local baseball fan.

Anyway, Summer Catch is an extremely predictable film. It’s not surprising that this was one of Freddie’s final star vehicles because, other than his heroic effort to maintain a Massachusetts accent, even he seems to be bored with it all. Perhaps the most remarkable thing about Summer Catch is that there’s next to no actual conflict in the film. Oh sure, Ryan and Tenley have a few misunderstandings but it’s never anything serious.

If there’s an unheralded hero to Summer Catch, it’s the uncredited guy who we hear providing commentary during the games. Seriously, I would have been so lost if not for him constantly saying stuff like, “This is Ryan Dunne’s chance to show what he can do,” and “Billy Brubaker needs to get a hit here…” They should have made the entire movie about him and his efforts to remain up-to-date on all the players.

Because Summer Catch was a baseball film, I begged my sister Erin to watch it with me so that she could explain all the baseball stuff to me. For the record, Erin says that the game scenes were okay (and I personally liked all of the totally gratuitous slow motion) but that the film wasn’t really a deep examination of baseball. To be honest, I really wasn’t expecting that it would be. I just wanted to make my sister stay up late and watch a movie with me.

Previous Insomnia Files:

A Few Thoughts On The X-Files 10.6 “My Struggle II”

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(WARNING: This review will contain spoilers.)

I have to admit that, after I finished watching the finale of The X-Files “revival,” I felt totally and completely confused. I wasn’t really sure what I had just seen and I don’t mean that in a good way. I wondered if maybe, as a relatively new viewer of The X-Files, I simply did not have the necessary background information to follow the episode’s plot. And then I wondered if maybe I just had not been paying enough attention while I was watching. Maybe I was too ADD to follow an episode of The X-Files…

So, I rewatched the episode. I made sure to sit right in front of the TV and to turn on the closed captioning so that I would be able to understand what everyone was mumbling about. During the second viewing, I came to understand just why exactly I had been so confused. To say that the editing of My Struggle II was ragged would be an understatement. It was often difficult to figure out how much time had passed between scenes or where the characters were in relation to one another. The whole episode felt as if it had been haphazardly constructed, with scenes randomly tossed together. But then again, that’s been true of the entire season. Even the better episodes have shared that ragged quality. The parts, as good as they have occasionally been, have rarely added up to a coherent whole. I imagine that, if you were a fan of The X-Files before the revival, you might have enough of an emotional commitment, in Mulder and Scully as characters, that you can overlook the revival’s weaker moments. But for a new viewer, like me, it can get frustrating.

This has been a very uneven season. Season 10 was made up of 6 episodes, each of which seemed to have a totally different tone and outlook from the other. There’s been one great episode (Mulder & Scully Meet The Weremonster), one terrible episode (My Struggle), one mediocre episode (Babylon), and two episodes that were above average but nothing special (Founder’s Mutation, Home Again). For the first 40 minutes or so, I thought that My Struggle II would be another mediocre episode. But, towards the very end, things started to get better. After spending most of the episode separated from each other, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson finally got to share a scene. (The only time that Duchovny and Anderson seem truly invested in their roles is when they’re playing off of each other. Each brings out the best in the other.) And the scene ended with a cliffhanger that was so batshit crazy that, almost despite my better instincts, I found myself saying, “Yes, give us a season 11 because I have to know what just happened!”

And really, thank God for that cliffhanger. A good final scene can make up for so much. My Struggle II opens with Mulder missing and, it’s a sign of that ragged editing that I mentioned earlier, that I wasn’t sure how long he had been missing or who exactly was aware that he was missing. It turns out that Mulder’s missing because he’s busy driving to South Carolina so he can confront the Cigarette-Smoking Man (William B. Davis), the big villain from the show’s original run. Apparently, the CSM is aware that humanity is about to be wiped out by an alien plague but he has a cure and he wants Mulder to join him and a few others that he has judged worthy of survival.

Meanwhile, Tad O’Malley (Joel McHale) is back! When we last heard, Tad had vanished and his web site had been shut down. And yet, at the start of this episode, Tad has suddenly returned and his web site is once again active. No mention is made of where O’Malley has been and nobody — not even Scully — seems to be curious about the details. Maybe O’Malley was never really missing in the first place. It’s hard to tell with this show.

Anyway, the main reason that Tad shows up is so that he can announce, during his podcast, that humanity’s DNA has been corrupted with alien DNA and, as a result, everyone is essentially a walking time bomb. This, of course, leads to rioting in the streets which is … odd. I mean, let’s be honest. He may look like Joel McHale and his show may be surprisingly well-produced but, ultimately, Tad is just a guy with a podcast. As I watched the original world react to Tad’s podcast, it occurred to me that Season 10 may be airing in 2016 but it still has a 2002 sensibility.

Working with Agent Einstein (Lauren Ambrose), Scully is able to use her DNA to create a cure for the virus. I’m not sure how that works but, in all fairness to The X-Files, this may be one of those plot points that would make more sense to me if I had watched more of the previous seasons of the show. By this point, Mulder has returned from confronting the CSM and is on the verge of dying from the virus. Scully announces that, in order to cure Mulder, they have to get DNA from their son William but she’s not sure where he is and…

AND THAT’S WHEN A BIG OLD FLYING SAUCER APPEARS IN THE SKY ABOVE!

And, as frustrated as I had been with My Struggle II, I cheered a little when that UFO showed up. Ever since this revival started, I have been predicting that William would return. Now, I don’t know for sure who is in that flying saucer but seriously, it has to be William, doesn’t it? I mean, who else would it be? As frustrated as I have often been with The X-Files, I ended My Struggle II wanting a season 11 because I want to know who is in that flying saucer.

And, ultimately, I guess that has to be counted as a point in the show’s favor. When a show can be as flawed as The X-Files has been this season and still leave the viewer hoping for more, that has to be considered a success of some sort.

So, my final verdict on My Struggle II: Uneven but intriguing when it mattered. I think the same can be said of Season 10 as a whole.

Will The X-Files return for an 11th season? Well, if it doesn’t, there will be a lot of disappointed people on twitter. Assuming the show does return and that William is on that flying saucer, can we all start calling him “Sculder?”

Seriously, I’ve been trying to make Sculder a thing for a while now…

Film Review: The Red Dress (dir by Leif Bristow)

Posted on February 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I was watching The Red Dress, I found myself thinking that it had to be one of the most deliberately paced Lifetime film that I had ever seen. It moved slowly, taking its time to tell its story and, as far as I could tell, attempting to build up a certain atmosphere of existential doom. (In many ways, it reminded me of the trailer for Angelina Jolie’s By The Sea.) It really wasn’t paced right for TV but that’s probably because it really wasn’t made for TV.

From the occasionally blanked out lines of dialogue to a blurred hint of sideboob, it was obvious that The Red Dress was a theatrical film that somehow ended up making its American premiere on the Lifetime Movie Network. What would have worked just fine when watched in one uninterrupted 90 minute viewing worked less well when stretched out to two hours and frequently interrupted by commercials for Liberty Mutual Insurance. The film, itself, frequently plays with time and makes heavy use of flashbacks. It’s not necessarily a complicated story but it’s still one that requires a bit of concentration. It’s not always easy to concentrate when you have to deal with a commercial about an insane person who named her car Brad.

As for the story that the movie tells, Patricia (Rachel Skarsten) and Rainer (Callum Blue) are young, rich, married, and maybe in love. Of course, Patricia did have an affair with Rainer’s business partner, James (Sean Maguire). And, after Patricia announced that she was pregnant, Rainer did start to feel like “an appendage.” As for the baby, it died in a mysterious fire that may or may not have been arson.

With Patricia in a deep depression, Rainer suggests that they move to a beachfront house in Malta. It’s here that Rainer can spend all of his time floating in the pool and Patricia can deal with the constant nightmares that make it impossible for her to sleep. At times, being in Malta seems to bring the spark back to their marriage. But then there are other times when Patricia suspects that Rainer is keeping a secret from her.

And then there’s the mysterious girl who Patricia keeps seeing. The girl seems to always be heading towards a castle that lies in the distance, lit up with a crimson glow that makes it seem like it belongs in a Jean Rollin film or maybe Inception‘s Limbo. Patricia suspects that the girl may have been kidnapped by the mysterious local hunter, Angelo (John Rhys-Davies). Rainer, however, seems to believe that the solution to everything is for Patricia to take more pills.

The Red Dress doesn’t really work as a film, largely because Rainer and Patricia are such unlikable characters that you really don’t care what happens to them. Far too often, they put the idle into idle rich. As well, the film’s final twist is not as much of a surprise as the film seems to think it is. You’ll see it coming. That said, I did like the look of a film. Malta is a great location and the film takes advantage of that fact.

As for the film’s title, it refers to a dress that Patricia wears in a few of the flashbacks. And you know what? It is a really nice dress.

Film Review: The Wrong Roommate (dir by David DeCoteau)

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s always interesting to me when my favorite exploitation and grindhouse filmmakers end up making a movie for Lifetime. It happens a lot more that you might expect and it’s always undeniably fun to see how they adapt their own sensibilities to the requirements of the network. For instance, last year, Fred Olen Ray gave Lifetime both River Raft Nightmare and The Christmas Gift.

And then, in January of this year, David DeCoteau gave us The Wrong Roommate. As far as Lifetime films are concerned, The Wrong Roommate is pure perfection. It gives the viewer everything that she could possibly want from a Lifetime film. There’s melodrama. There’s romance. There’s an untrustworthy ex-fiance. There’s a mysterious artist who is both hot and dangerous and who has got like the most incredible abs. There’s a big fancy house and lots of pretty clothes and there’s even a sex-positive best friend who is eager to help her BFF rebuild her life. I enjoyed The Wrong Roommate when I first watched it and I enjoyed it when I rewatched it earlier today. But as I watched The Wrong Roommate, I wondered how members of the typical Lifetime viewing audience would have reacted to seeing some of DeCoteau’s other 122 films, like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama or Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper.

It’s DeCoteau’s background in B-movies that made him the perfect director for The Wrong Roommate. Like many filmmakers, DeCoteau began his career working with Roger Corman and then later worked with Charles Band. These are filmmakers who understood how to tell a story. Above all else, Roger Corman and his best students all understood the importance of storytelling. They understood the importance of keeping the audience entertained.

And, whatever else one may say about it, The Wrong Roommate is a terrifically entertaining film.

The film opens with a man getting run over by a car. That man is Prof. Floyd and he’s played by Eric Roberts. From the minute that I saw that Eric Roberts was going to be in The Wrong Roommate, I assumed that he would be playing another one of his trademark crazy stalker roles but instead, Roberts is one of the good guys here. He’s actually playing a sympathetic character. It’s clever casting because, even once it starts to become clear that he’s not going to kill anyone, you’re still uncertain about him because he’s played by Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts as a good guy keeps the audience off-balance and tells them not to take anything for granted.

That said, Roberts only has a supporting role here. The film is about Laurie Valentine (Jessica Morris). Laurie has just broken up with her controlling jerk of a fiancee, Mark (William McNamara). And now, she’s rebuilding her life. Her best friend (Dominique Swain) has gotten her a job teaching at the local college. And her older sister has invited Laurie to spend the summer at her mansion. The only catch is that Laurie has to look after her rebellious 17 year-old niece, Ricki (Brianna Joy Chomer).

After moving in, Laurie discovers that there’s someone else living on the estate. Alan (Jason-Shane Scott) is staying in the guest house. Ricki has a huge crush on him and soon, so does Laurie. And why not? Alan has amazing abs, spends all of his time shirtless, and he’s an artist! He specializes in wood work and there’s nothing sexier than a man who is good with his hands and his wood…

But, wait a minute!

If Alan’s so great, why does he stage a break-in at the house?

Why doesn’t he ever seem to be surprised when Mark drops by the mansion?

And, of course, we have to consider the fact that Alan has installed a secret webcam in Laurie’s bedroom so that he can watch her undress on his laptop.

Hmmmm…something might not be quite right….

You’ll probably be able to guess what’s going on within the first 30 minutes of the film but who cares? This is a fun movie and David DeCoteau’s direction strikes a perfect balance between melodrama and parody. The film looks great, the cast looks great, and I was jealous of that big house. The Wrong Roommate is wonderful entertainment, in the best tradition of Corman, Band, and DeCoteau.

Film Review: Flashback (dir by Claude Desrosiers)

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

No, that image above is not my sister‘s latest discovery for artwork of the day. Instead, it’s the only promo image that I’ve been able to find for a film called Flashback. Flashback premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network on January 31st. Because I was on a road trip when it originally aired, I had to set the DVR to record it. I watched the film earlier today and I jotted down a few notes for my review. Then, because I desperately needed the space on my DVR, I erased the recording. I assumed that I would be able to get any other details I needed from the film’s imdb page.

Big mistake.

Unlike some obscure films, Flashback actually does have a page on the imdb. But there’s next to no information about the movie! There’s a brief (but surprisingly accurate) plot description. Three members of the cast are listed. Jeffrey Roy is listed as being the adr mixer. But otherwise, no director is listed. No producer. No writers. It’s very odd.

So, after discovering that the imdb was going to be little to no help, I decided to go to MyLifetime.com and look up the film. And guess what? The MyLifetime page does not list a director either!

After doing a few more fruitless Google searches, I quickly looked through my notes. Maybe I had jotted down the director’s name. Of course, I did not.

The lesson here is not to take the imdb for granted as a resource. Especially when it comes to fairly obscure Lifetime films.

I would especially like to be able to name the director and writer responsible for Flashback because it actually tells a very heartfelt story and attempts to deal with a serious issue. The films tell the story of Samantha (Roxanne McKee), a soldier with the National Guard who has just returned from Iraq. While Samantha struggles to maintain an outward normalcy, she is actually suffering from severe PTSD. (When we first see her, she’s holding a gun and hiding in a bathroom stall while her friends throw her a welcome home party.) In Iraq, Samantha was involved in a friendly fire incident that led to the death of two soldiers. Back home, she finds herself being stalked by another soldier (Tim Rozon), who blames her for the incident. What gives this story a twist is that Samantha herself is unsure about what actually happened. Whenever she tries to remember, she just has hazy flashbacks to a battle in Iraq.

(And, let it be said, the battle scenes were surprisingly well-done for what appeared to be a rather low-budget film. The director did a good job of creating and capturing the feel of total chaos and confusion.)

And, in many ways, Flashback is a standard Lifetime film. Even while Samantha is being stalked, she enters into a relationship with yet another soldier (Steve Lund), who is politically ambitious and has secrets of his own. The whole thing even includes, as almost every Lifetime film does, a chase and confrontation at an isolated cabin. But then the film ends with some statistics about PTSD and suicide and with two final words on the screen: “For Cathy.” It’s a powerful moment and I’d like to give the director proper credit. So, if you are the director or you know the director, leave a comment and let us know so that we can give credit where credit is due.

(UPDATE: Val has just informed me that this film was directed by Claude Desrosiers. — LMB)

The other great thing about Flashback is that it featured Stacey Farber in the role of Samantha’s best friend! If you’re a fan of Degrassi, like me and Valerie Troutman, then you will immediately recognize Stacey from her role as Ellie Nash! Ellie was always my favorite character on Degrassi, largely because, as a redheaded film lover who used to dress exclusively in black and who has had some experience with rubber band therapy, I related to her in so many ways. And while I remain a fan of the show, it definitely lost something when Stacey Farber left the show. (That said, at least Ellie finally ended up with the totally hot Craig Manning! Go, Ellie!)

Anyway, it’s interesting seeing Stacey Farber play a character who suggests that the best way for Samantha to deal with wartime trauma is to go on a shopping spree. (That said, I probably would have made the same suggestion. Shopping is always a good fallback remedy.) But she does a good job in her role (as does the entire cast) and it was nice to see that, for her, there is life after Degrassi.

In fact, I’m going to end this review with three of my favorite Ellie gifs.

Film Review: Wrong Swipe (dir by Matthew Leutwyler)

Posted on February 21, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The image above is a still from a film called Wrong Swipe. The women are sisters. Anna (Anna Hutchison, who may be best known for playing doomed Jules in The Cabin In The Woods) is an uptight law school student who spends way too much time studying. Her sister, Sasha (Karissa Lee Staples), decides that Anna desperately needs to get laid so she goads her into downloading the Swipe app.

What’s Swipe?

Well, for one thing, it’s an app with a really bad name. But, beyond that, it’s kinda like Match.com for people who specifically want to run the risk of being stalked by a psycho. If a user finds a profile that she likes, she “swipes” the profile. The app uses the phone’s GPS to send you an alert whenever someone who you’ve swiped is nearby.

“Your crush is 100 feet away…”

So, Anna joins Swipe. In order to make sure that her sister understand how it all works, Sasha decides to swipe some random guy’s profile. That random guy just happens to be Todd (Blake Berris), the creepy guy who sits behind Anna in her criminal justice class. Now, Todd thinks that Anna has a crush on him.

“You swiped me!” Todd says, at one point.

Anna goes on a few other Swipe dates. She reconnects with a guy she vaguely knew in high school, Nate (Kevin Joy) but it turns out that Nate is kind of a jerk and plus, he attempts to drug her drink during their date. Uh-oh, Nate’s not a good guy!

Then Anna meets Pete (Philipp Karner). Pete is sweet and sensitive and handsome. Anna and he have an immediate connection and, as you watch them together, you just know that they’re eventually going to end up in a commercial for Swipe.com. Anna and Pete will be sitting in front of a fireplace. Anna will say, “I joined Swipe.com and two days later, look what I found.” And then Pete will say…

Well, actually, Pete won’t say anything. Pete ends up getting murdered. Sorry, Anna. Could Pete’s murder be somehow connected to the anonymous threatening messages that Anna has been getting ever since she joined Swipe?

In case you hadn’t already guessed, Wrong Swipe is a Lifetime film. It aired on February 13th, just in time for Valentine’s Day. There are a few things that you can always be sure about when it comes to Lifetime films. You can always be sure that men will be untrustworthy, mom will always be right, and the bonds of sisterhood will never be broken. You can also always be sure that using any sort of technology will lead to grave misfortune. I’ve lost track of how many Lifetime films I’ve seen about terrible things happening as a result of someone spending too much time online.

(It’s kinda like that film Disconnect, except more fun and less preachy.)

With Wrong Swipe, Lifetime exposes the dangers of online dating for the hundredth time. At this point, Lifetime has gone from being Television For Women to being the “You Kids And Your Goddamn Gadgets!” Network. That said, there’s a certain charm to how predictable it all is. Lifetime is all about the melodrama and Wrong Swipe has plenty of that. It may be familiar but it’s comfortable at the same time.

Wrong Swipe was probably at its best when it dealt with the bond between Anna and Sasha. Their relationship reminded me of my relationship with my sisters. At the same time, it was hard not to wonder how Anna could possibly have randomly met so many weird men in such a short amount of time. One of them, of course, had to be weird because he was the psycho who was stalking her. But the others were just red herrings who all happened to act like psychos even if they weren’t the psycho. In fact, all of the men were so over-the-top in their suspicious behavior that it actually made it easy to figure out who the stalker was because he was the only suspect who wasn’t totally and completely obvious.

One final note: Wrong Swipe is unique for actually showing Anna doing a Google search. Usually, Lifetime films will come up with a fake search engine for its characters to use but Wrong Swipe went ahead and just used google. That said, Anna was not using quotation marks when she typed in her search terms so it probably took her far longer than necessary to find what she was looking for.

As for whether or not you should make it a point to see Wrong Swipe the next time it comes on TV … eh. It’s nothing special but if you enjoy Lifetime films, it’s okay.

Film Review: Pregnant At 17 (dir by Curtis Crawford)

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Before I talk too much about the last night’s Lifetime premiere, Pregnant at 17, I want to share something with you. As of 10:00 pm on the night at February 20th, this is the imdb plot description, which was posted by Reel One Entertainment:

When Sonia finds out her husband of 10 years is having an affair, she decides to get to know the young woman, Chelsea, he’s fallen in love with. Chelsea, a free-spirit who believes in polyamory, brings a happiness and fulfillment to Sonia that she’s never experienced before– especially since her miscarriage which left her depressed and hopeless. The three form a polyamorous relationship until an unexpected turn of events sends all of their lives into a tailspin.

Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn’t it!? Certainly, this is the first time that I’ve seen the term “polyamory” used in a plot description since Utopia went off the air!

However, by the time you read this review, I imagine that the plot description will probably have been changed because it’s absolutely inaccurate. It is true that Sonia (Josie Bissett) does find out that her husband, Jeff (Roark Critchlow), is having an affair with Chelsea (Zoe De Grand Maison). However, Chelsea is not a polyamorous free spirit. Instead, she’s a 17 year-old girl who works at an ice cream parlor. (The name of the parlor is Stella Lama.) And, though Jeff does have an affair with her, he never falls in love with Chelsea. In fact, when Chelsea tells him that she’s pregnant (at 17!), he promptly attempts to pay her off.

That’s right — Pregnant at 17 is yet another installment in Lifetime’s endless series of “…at 17” films. Over the past few years, we’ve seen everything from Betrayed At 17 to Stalked At 17 to Framed At 17 to Accused at 17. Seriously, it’s not easy being a 17 year-old girl on Lifetime! The worst things are always happening to you. Since I had a lot of melodrama in my life when I was 17, I always enjoy and relate to the “…at 17” movies. Pregnant at 17 was a film that I could especially relate to because it was about a girl who had both red hair and a boyfriend named Jeff!

Even without the promised softcore polyamory, Pregnant at 17 was still wonderfully melodramatic in the way that only a good Lifetime film can be. After Sonia discovers that Chelsea has been sleeping with her husband, she goes down to the ice parlor to confront her. However, within seconds of their first meeting, Chelsea is offering Sonia free ice cream and talking about how difficult her life is. Sonia feels sorry for Chelsea and, instead of confronting her, ends up befriending her.

And Chelsea really needs a friend! Not only has she been abandoned by her married boyfriend but she’s also being stalked by Greg Foster (Rogan Christopher). Apparently, before she met Jeff, Chelsea witnessed Greg robbing a convenience store. Chelsea identified Greg to the police and Greg has spent the last year in jail. Now, he’s out and he wants revenge! Helping Greg is his sister, Laren (Corina Bizem). We know that Laren is dangerous because she wears way too much dark eyeliner.

When Sonia confronts Jeff about his affair, he replies, “You’re not perfect, either.” Guys, if you’re reading this — if you are ever caught cheating, do not attempt to excuse your actions by saying, “You’re not perfect, either.” SERIOUSLY, THAT IS THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN SAY IN THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES.

(Forgive me for the all caps but I think this is an important message to impart. If I can teach a lesson, I am always happy to do so.)

Now, at this point, I was thinking about a friend of mine who found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her and she responded by supergluing his penis to his stomach. (Yes, that is a true story and yes, the person who suggested it to her was inspired by Reservoir Dogs.) However, Sonia doesn’t go that far. Instead, she just makes Jeff sleep in the guest room. The next morning, Jeff gets hit by a car and ends up laid up at the hospital.

That now means that there’s extra room in Sonia’s house! And who better to move in but her husband’s pregnant mistress!? Of course, by doing so, Sonia is now being stalked by the same people who have been stalking Chelsea…

Seriously, being pregnant at 17 is the least of Chelsea’s problems. This is pure Choas at 17.

And no, there’s no polyamory. There’s no threesomes. I know that the plot description promised a threesome but that’s not the type of movie that Pregnant at 17 is. This is not Carnal Wishes or Big Bad Mama. And really, that’s okay. Pregnant at 17 is a lot of fun, just the way it is. This film epitomizes everything that we love about Lifetime movies. It’s so over the top that watching it is a pure delight.

Both Josie Bissett and Zoe De Grande Maison also deserve a lot of credit for fully committing to their roles. Bissett, who was so good in A Mother’s Instinct, gives another excellent performance here. Meanwhile, Maison does all of us redheads proud!

Keep an eye out for Pregnant at 17! You will not be disappointed.

A Few Thoughts On The X-Files 10.5 “Babylon”

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“How do you say ‘howdy pardner’ in Arabic?”

Hey, X-Files, how do you say “Fuck you” in English?

I was flying between Dallas and San Antonio last Monday when the 5th episode of The X-Files revival aired. I did DVR it but, as soon as I found out that this episode was set in Texas, I found myself reluctant to actually watch it.

Why?

Well, why not?

TV shows and movies never get my home state right. After all, Texas is the state that the rest of the world loves to hate. We are a convenient scapegoat for the rest of America. Every sin of this country is blamed on my state and it gets a little tedious after a while. And yes, I know that some people (mostly folks up in Vermont) would claim that it’s our own fault for being so confident and outspoken but you know what? We only do that because we know it bothers you.

But anyway, the Babylon episode of The X-Files was set in Texas and, having just watched it, I have to say that it really is no surprise that it gets the entire state wrong. After all, The X-Files movie portrayed Dallas as sitting out in the middle of the desert, surrounded by mountains and caves. (There are no mountains or caves in North Texas.) Babylon, meanwhile, portrayed every single person in Texas as wearing a cowboy hat and denim and talking like a bunch of actors who just finished the first day of James Lipton’s “How To Talk Southwestern” class at the Actor’s Studio. I lost track of how many denim skirts I saw in the background of a scene that was meant to be set at DFW. It was embarrassing. Seriously, X-Files, do a little fucking research in the future, okay? I mean, I know it’s hot but it wouldn’t kill you to spend two hours down here and see what we actually dress and sound like.

And if I seem like I’m making a huge deal about this, you should understand that Babylon made a huge deal about being set in Texas. If I had taken a drink every single time somebody made a point of saying that they were in Texas or that they were going to Texas, I would have gotten drunk off my ass within a matter of minutes. Of course, I would already have been drunk from taking a drink every time that someone wandered by wearing a cowboy hat or a denim skirt.

As for the rest of the episode — well, it was technically okay. It actually had an interesting idea at the center of it, with Mulder attempting to communicate with a brain-dead terrorist. Robbie Amell and Lauren Ambrose showed up as Agents Miller and Einstein, who were basically younger versions of Mulder and Scully. (Lauren Ambrose, in particular, was well-cast.) If, for some reason, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson refused to ever appear in another episode of The X-Files, I wouldn’t have any problem with the series following the adventures of Miller and Einstein.

But, I have to be honest here. I could not look past how thoroughly this episode failed in portraying my home state. And really, there was no reason to set this episode in Texas. Draw Mohammed exhibitions take place all over the country and Babylon could have just as easily been set in New York or California. (Except, of course, that would have meant acknowledging that there is prejudice in all the states of the union, even the ones that serve as home base for the entertainment industry.)

Anyway, this upcoming Monday will give us the finale of The X-Files revival. My Struggle II will feature the return of Joel McHale and, if I had to guess, I would say that it will somehow involve Mulder and Scully’s long-missing son, William (a.k.a. Sculder). If you want a season 11 of The X-Files, be sure to watch.

I just hope they won’t return to Texas.

Here’s The Trailer for Amityville: The Awakening

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh God.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit too quick to dismiss the possibility that Amityville: The Awakening could be a great film but …

No, it’s not going to happen. I love horror movies. I love grindhouse films. I think they deserve a lot more respect than they receive. But I just cannot enthusiastic about this film or this trailer. From the minute that poor Jennifer Jason Leigh says, “Home sweet home,” the trailer promises your standard PG-13 horror movie.

(Yes, I know the movie has been rated R but this trailer screams PG-13. You want to see an R-rated Amityville film? Go see 1980’s Amityville: The Possession. Now, that is pure nightmare fuel…)