Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.
Let’s celebrate Christmas early with Monsters!
Episode 3.12 “A New Woman”
(Dir by Brian Thomas Jones, originally aired on December 16th, 1990)
It’s the day before Christmas and businessman Tom (Thomas McDermott) is dying. His wife, Jessica (Linda Thorson), want him to sign over the deed for several building that he owns so that she can kick out everyone who isn’t paying their rent. His son (Dan Butler) thinks that is an inhumane thing to do on Christmas. Tom’s doctor (Mason Adams) informs Jessica that she will be visited by three spirits that will help her change her ways….
And indeed, she is! But these aren’t the ghosts that Charles Dickens made famous. Instead, they’re horrifying zombies that are being led by Tom’s vengeful spirit. That’s enough to scare Jessica into changing her ways. She doesn’t want to become a zombie! Who would? It’s a Merry Christmas for all!
Monsters’s take on A Christmas Carol actually isn’t bad. It takes a while to get going but the zombies are effectively frightening and Jessica’s terrifying night is full of ominous atmosphere and effective scares. I guess my main problem with this episode was that the pacing was odd. It seemed to take forever to get around to that doctor telling Jessica she would receive visitors from the other side. And when the visitors did arrive, it was effective but it still felt a bit rushed.
Still, it was nice to see Monsters not only do a Christmas episode but also, in a rarity for this show, one that had a happy ending.
What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!
If you find yourself awake later tonight, you can always go over to Tubi and watch the 2015 direct-to-video action thriller, Heist.
Heist takes place in Louisiana. Francis “The Pope” Silva (Robert De Niro) is a mobster and businessman who owns a riverboat casino. The Pope lives his life according to a set of simple but very specific rules. He doesn’t lend money. He doesn’t forgive people who betray him. If you steal from him, he will track you down and he will get his money back and he will make you regret your decision. Working as his main henchman is the sadistic Dog (Morris Chestnut). The Pope’s former main henchman was a man named Luke Vaughn (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) but Luke grew tired of the violence and walked away from it all. Now, Luke works as a dealer in The Pope’s casino. His daughter is sick and Luke desperately needs $300,000 to pay her medial bills. When The Pope refuses to give him the money, Luke teams up with security guard Jason Cox (Dave Bautista) and sets out to rob the place.
The robbery is carefully planned by Luke but, inevitably, things go wrong. A security guard shows up earlier than he was supposed to. A shootout leads to Jason’s best friend, Dante (Stephen Cyrus Sepher), getting shot. The getaway driver panics and drives off, leading to Luke, Cox, and Dante hijacking a bus. Cox orders the bus driver (D.B. Sweeney) to take them to Galveston but Luke is more concerned with getting the money to his daughter. Meanwhile, two police officers — Kris Bajos (Gina Carano) and Detective Marconi (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) — follow the bus, each pursuing their own agenda.
Considering that this film is basically a low budget rip-off of Speed (albeit without a bomb threatening to take out the cast), Heist has an impressive cast and they all do a good job of elevating the film above its B-movie origins. Don’t get me wrong. There are hundreds of plot holes to be found in Heist. The film’s big twist really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. But, in the end, Heist is an entertaining thrill ride that moves quickly enough that most viewers really won’t have time to obsess on all the lapses of logic. Morgan plays his role with just enough heart that you want his criminal to succeed. De Niro brings some extra layers to a role that could have been a caricature. There’s a brief scene in which he meets his estranged daughter (Kate Bosworth) and, as a result, you suddenly see his character in an entirely new light. As a character who seems like a much more sinister version of Zach Morris, Mark-Paul Gosselaar keeps you guessing. And finally, Gina Carano — years before her cancellation — gives an earnest performance that works despite her character being rather inconsistently written.
Heist is an entertaining and fast-paced action film with a good cast and an interesting story. If you can’t sleep, you might as well be entertained.
Happy birthday to the legendary Bruce Willis. Here he has in the 80s, performing Under The Boardwalk with The Drifters. It’s also our song of the day.
Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
From the park you hear the happy sound of the carousel You can almost taste the hot dogs and french fries they sell, yes you can Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
Yeah, under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be
Out of the sun (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun (Under the boardwalk) People walking above (Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love (Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)
Episode 12 opens with Shane (David Carradine) and Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) looking over a beautiful Appaloosa colt. Shane wants to buy it for Joey (Christopher Shea) and offers Ryker $50. Ryker gets a good laugh at that, but he does make Shane a counteroffer: if Shane will work at his cattle ranch for one month, he’ll then let Shane have the colt for $50. Shane doesn’t really want to do it, but it’s important to him to get Joey the colt, so he agrees. Ryker allows Shane to go ahead and take the colt to the Starett ranch and give him to Joey. Of course, Joey is ecstatic and can’t wait to start taking care of him. Marian Starett (Jill Ireland) isn’t that happy with Shane about the deal to work for Ryker for a month, but it’s soon clear that no amount of protesting from her will stop Shane from doing this for Joey.
The next day Shane is moving into Ryker’s bunkhouse for the month, and we begin getting a feel for the various men working for Ryker. The foreman Kyle (Jack Ging) immediately takes a disliking for Shane for no particular reason other than jealousy, I guess. He’s a real jerk, and he seems to have some kind of inferiority complex. In more modern times, it seems possible that Kyle might drive a big truck with swinging testicles attached to the trailer hitch. We also meet Jingles (J. Pat O’Malley), an older man who the other cowboys pick on for sport. He takes it because he doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers or get turned out by Ryker. Jingles tells Shane that this job is the only thing he has in life, and he doesn’t know what he’d do if he were to lose it. That night Ryker comes into the bunkhouse and tells Shane that there will be no fighting, and that if he puts his hands on one of his men, he’ll be fired and the deal for the colt is off. Shane just wants to keep his head down and work out his month and then get back to his life at the Starett ranch. Even though Shane works extremely hard and proves to be a good “hand,” it becomes clear that foreman Kyle is going to do everything he can to make his life a living hell. Will Shane be able to finish out a month at Ryker’s place and pay for Joey’s gift? Will Jingles tell the truth when Kyle picks a fight with Shane? Will Joey learn valuable lessons in life from the colt? Will Marian admit to Shane how much she misses him when he’s gone? All good questions: episode 12 has the answers!
While it may be a slight step down from the sheer awesomeness of the prior installment, episode 12, “The Silent Gift,” is another fine episode of the Shane TV series. I mention the name of the episode because its use of the word “silent” captures part of what I enjoy so much about the series. Shane doesn’t say a lot throughout the entire series, but he continuously lets his actions prove out who he is as a person. In this case, his love for Joey is on full display because of what he does for him in this episode. Now don’t get me wrong, words are important, and I still tell my wife and children that I love them daily. But words are hollow if they’re not backed up by actions. Shane always backs up his words. Shane’s motives are the antithesis of a person like the foreman Kyle, who’s outwardly all bluster and bravado, but whose actions are fueled completely by lies and deceit. The character of Jingles, who seems like a nice enough old guy, is also shown to be in sharp contrast to Shane. Jingle’s life is controlled by fear and his actions are all about self-preservation. The sad truth is the fact that there are a lot more Kyle’s and Jingle’s in this world than there are Shane’s. On a positive note, the character arc of Jingles ultimately gives us hope that it’s never too late for any of us to do the right thing.
The main guest stars in this episode, Jack Ging and J. Pat O’Malley, both caught my attention. Ging, who played foreman Kyle, looked very familiar to me. A look at his filmography shows he was the dad in WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS (1974) and appeared in three different Clint Eastwood films a few years after appearing in this episode. One of the first books I remember reading purely for pleasure was “Where the Red Fern Grows.” I loved it so much and watched the movie many times growing up. To be honest, I haven’t thought about it for years, but now I’m hankering for a rewatch. And O’Malley, who played Jingles, also has an interesting filmography. He provided voiceover work for many classic animated films like ONE HUNDRED AND ONE DALMATIONS (1961) and THE JUNGLE BOOK (1967). And what really amazes me is the fact that he voiced characters in Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, including one of the prisoners coaxing the dog with the keys in his mouth. When you’ve been to Disney World as many times as I have, I now see O’Malley as a rock star!
Shane’s relationship with Marian has one really good moment in this episode. When Shane is visiting the Starett ranch one night, Marian tells him how much they miss him, how much SHE misses him, when he’s gone. I believe she would have been open to a big kiss if Shane would have gone for it, but instead he just said “that’s nice to hear” before saying goodnight. Here’s one time I don’t agree with the action Shane takes. With only five more episodes to go, the romantic in me is still hoping for a big-time payoff in love!
Today’s scene that I love comes from 1994’s Pulp Fiction.
There aren’t many happy endings to be found in Pulp Fiction. Vince ends up gunned down in Butch’s bathroom. Jules leaves to wander the Earth. Mia is still married to Marcellus. Marcellus may get his briefcase but he’s still going to be traumatized for life. However, Bruce Willis’s aging boxer, Butch, gets a happy ending. And good for him!
Bob Randall (John Wayne) is a coast guard boatswain, headquartered in Alaska where he and the members of his crew battle evil seal poachers like oily Phil Morgan (Russell Hicks). When Randall returns to port after his latest patrol, he has to deal with two disappointments. First off, he is passed over for a promotion to commanding officer, even though everyone knows that he deserves it. Instead, the promotion goes Lt. Commander Mays (William Blakewell), the son of a commander (George Irving). Mays doesn’t even want the job. He’s scared of the water and he’d rather fly airplane as a part of the Coast Guard’s aviation force. Bob is disappointed but he’s a professional and he’s going to support Mays. Secondly, Bob’s girlfriend (Nan Grey) witnesses a murder and is kidnapped by Phil Morgan. Bob and his sidekick (dependable western mainstay Fuzzy Knight) go undercover as fisherman to try to find her.
The Sea Spoilers was the first of six B-movies that John Wayne did for Universal. Wayne, who had been stuck in the B’s for a while, was trying to prove that he was more than just a singing cowboy so, in this one, he plays a tough and ready sailor. Wayne is convincing in the role, even if the movie is really just a western set in what was then modern day Alaska. Though only 30, Wayne shows the no-nonsense professionalism that would become his trademark once he became one of the world’s biggest movie stars. Unlike some of Wayne’s early films, it’s possible to see the icon that John Wayne would eventually become while watching him here. The Sea Spoilers is only 66 minutes long but fans of the Duke should enjoy it.
Finally, The Sea Spoilers was written by George Waggner. Waggner would later go on to direct the original Wolf Man.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
It’s time to set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance. The Love Boat promises something for everyone so welcome aboard …. it’s love!
Episode 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 27th, 1982)
I tried, everyone. Seriously, I really did try.
This week’s episode was a musical. It’s not just that the crew of the Love Boat was putting together their first annual crew talent show. It’s not just that Ethel Merman appeared as Gopher’s mom while Carol Channing played Julie’s aunt and Della Reese played Isaac’s mom while Ann Miller showed up as Doc’s former mother-in-law. All of that was fine. The episode was called The Musical and, looking at that guest list, I expected that the majority of this super-sized, two hour musical would feature the crew and their relatives rehearsing. I was looking forward to it. I’m a dancer. Ann Miller’s one of my heroes. Bring it on!
The problem was that the crew also sang and danced when they weren’t rehearsing. Every few moments there was a big production number. Some of them were entertaining. Again, Ann Miller was there and I love watching her dance. But most of the production numbers were pretty bad. It quickly became obvious that the Love Boat crew was not made up of natural-born singers and dancers. Fred Grandy tried really hard whenever he had to sing and he earnest dedication was charming but otherwise, most of the musical numbers fell flat. Each number was followed by wild applause but, seeing as how The Love Boat was not shot in front of a live studio audience, it quickly became apparent that the applause — much like the laugh track — was being piped in. Fake applause just made the whole thing feel …. not right.
I really wanted to like this episode but it just didn’t work for me. If it had limited the singing and dancing to the talent show, it would have been fun. But by turning the entire episode into a musical, it just became a bit too much, an experiment that ultimately didn’t work.
Do I sound like a feel guilty for not liking this episode? Well, I guess I do. Of all the shows that I review, The Love Boat is frequently my favorite and I really, really wanted to like this episode. I could tell that the cast was doing their best. I could tell that they probably had fun shooting this episode. But, in the end, it just didn’t work. I wanted it to work but it didn’t.
Oh well. I applaud the show for experimenting, even if it didn’t quite come together. Next week will be better!
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Today, Bruce Willis turns 70. It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 Bruce Willis Films
Die Hard (1988, directed by John McTiernan, DP: Jan de Bont)
Pulp Fiction (1994, dir by Quentin Tarantino, DP: Andrzej Sekuła)
12 Monkeys (1995, dir by Terry Gilliam, DP: Roger Pratt)
Last Man Standing (1996, dir by Walter Hill, DP: Lloyd Ahern II)
2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).
Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis). Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull). Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen. Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump. “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna. Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.
It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss. Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross! The plot is nothing special. It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently. It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist. The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.
That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film. Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack. To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor. (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode. I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does. So there.) Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.
Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis. This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career. When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition. I don’t know if that’s quite true. (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.) But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in. That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part. He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day. Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.
Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.
2012’s Lay the Favorite is a movie about gambling.
Rebecca Hall stars as Beth Raymer, a dancer in Florida who makes her money by giving private shows and lap dances to paying customers. Bored and disillusioned with her life, she follows the advice of her father (Corbin Bernsen) and decides to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a Las Vegas cocktail waitress.
(Really, that’s your dream? I mean, my mom occasionally worked as a waitress because she was essentially taking care of four girls by herself and she needed the extra money but it was hardly a lifelong dream.)
Vegas is a union town, which means that Beth can’t just walk in and start serving drinks. Instead, she gets a job working with Dink Heimowitz (Bruce Willis), a big-time gambler who hires other people to place bets for him. Dink is surprisingly nice for a professional gambler and it’s not long before Beth finds herself falling for him. Dink’s wife, Tulip (Catherine Zeta-Jones), is not happy about that. Tulip need not worry about Beth eventually ends up falling in love with a journalist named Jeremy (Joshua Jackson) and the two of them quickly become one of the most boring couples that I’ve ever seen in my life. Eventually, Tulip does demand that Dink fire Beth and Beth ends up in New York, working for a decadent gambler named Rosy (Vince Vaughn). Uh-oh — bookmaking’s illegal in New York!
Rebecca Hall is one of those performers who tends to act with a capitol A. There’s not necessarily a bad thing. Hall has given some very strong and very memorable performances, in films like Vicky Christina Barcelona, Please Give, and the heart-breaking Christine. However, when Hall is miscast — as she is in this film — her style of acting can seem overly mannered. Hall plays Beth as being a collection of quirks and twitches and nervous mannerisms and embarrassed facial expressions and the end result is that Beth comes across not as being the endearing ditz that the film wants her to be but instead as just a very annoying and very immature human being. It’s actually perfectly understandable why Tulip would demand that Dink fire her. What’s less understandable is why we should care. Myself, I wanted someone to warn Joshua Jackson because I don’t think he knew what he was getting into.
Lay The Favorite is yet another film that tries to use Las Vegas as a metaphor for American culture. That’s not a bad idea. David Lynch made great use of Vegas in Twin Peaks: The Return. Martin Scorsese did the same with Casino. However, Lay The Favorite was directed by the British Stephen Frears and, as happens so often whenever a European director tries to understand American culture, the entire film leaves you feeling as if you’re on the outside looking in. Lynch and Scorsese, for instance, both understood that Las Vegas represents both the ultimate risk and the ultimate second chance. If you have the courage, you can bet every asset that you have. And if you’re lucky, you might win. If you lose, you know you can still rebuild. Whether it’s grounded in reality or not, it’s a very American idea. Lay The Favorite, on the other hand, can’t see beyond the glitz of the strip and the harsh concrete reality of a nearby apartment complex. It’s portrait of Vegas is as superficial as a tourist’s postcard. Thematically, Lay The Favorite feels as empty and predictable as its double entendre title.
On the plus side, Bruce Willis, Vince Vaughn, and Catherine Zeta-Jones all gave better performances that the film probably deserved. Willis, especially, gives a poignant performance as temperamental, henpecked, and good-natured Dink. Bruce Willis spent so much time as an action star that it was often overlooked that he was a very good character actor. Even in a bad film like this one, Willis came through.
Through the Shattered Lens 